(Photo Credit: Our friends at Dizengoff Center)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 7/25/2015 at 5:20 PM
Tel Aviv: A wave of relief passed over the city as Tel Aviv learned that a missing tourist, feared kidnapped, is simply somewhere on the third floor, east wing of Tel Aviv’s sprawling Dizengoff Center Mall. American college senior Zachary F. was last seen walking into the mall from the King George Street entrance last Wednesday. When he failed to return to his hotel for two days, alert staff notified the authorities, who in turn reached out to his family in the United States.
A reporter from the Daily Freier’s Crime and Justice section managed to locate Zachary near the candle shop that nobody ever goes into. “I tried to contact my family, but the Wi-Fi here really sucks. I finally managed to send an email to my dad, but he only checks it when he’s at work. I even tried Facebooking my mom, but since I forgot that she only communicates IN ALL CAPS, BY WRITING ON MY FACEBOOK WALL, she never got the message.”
Despite the harsh environment, Zachary has shown remarkable resourcefulness and resilience. “I took two semesters of Russian, so me and the security guards have really hit it off well. One of them gives me half of his sandwich every morning. But when I asked him for help getting out of here, he just kinda smiled, cackled, rubbed his hands together, and talked in riddles. Also, I think I might have a date with the girl from the coffee shop on the second floor, but where am I going to take her? That sketchy tattoo shop by the Dizengoff street pedestrian overpass??”
As the interview ended, Zachary asked the reporter if he could follow us out to the exit, but we’re really in kind of a hurry and just gotta go. Good luck!
This can’t be real. This kid sure is a dumb ass. The mall has at least 20 exits. And why couldn’t he ask someone in English? 99% of the people who live in Tel Aviv speak it.
“Despite the harsh environment, Zachary has shown remarkable resourcefulness and resilience.” Really?!?. How about “excuse me, where’s the EXIT, to the millions or about people that enters and exits the mall a day… Seriously, embarrassing..
I think this is a joke… for sure can’t be serious. And the tattoo shop is a friend of mine, definitely not a shady place. Probably just trying to make the news or doing something SHADY himself!
I’d feel safer in Gaza City than the Dizengoff Mall.
Yes folks, this is satire 🙂
You can’t prove that.
The mall seems to be designed by the same architect who built the “new” central bus station in South Tel Aviv — designed to trap you like a hamster in a maze.