By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/18/2015 at 10:30 PM

Jerusalem: Ahmed Manasrah is pretty upset. Last week when he and his cousin stabbed two Jews, including a 13 year old kid on a bicycle, he was pretty sure he was on a one way ticket to a paradise full of hot chicks with large eyes and firm breasts just for him.  But now he’s woken up in what looks for all intents and purposes like an Israeli hospital. And worse, it’s crawling with Jews.  “This it total bullshit.”  fumed an annoyed Ahmed.  “According to my timeline, I should have gotten at least to second base by now with one of those chicks they promised me.  But no.  I mean, one of the nurses is kinda pretty, but she’s really bossy and always tells me what to do. ‘Go to bed, time to eat, time to go to the bathroom.’  This just sucks.”

When asked by the Daily Freier if maybe he is in fact still alive and staying in a Jerusalem hospital, Ahmed was emphatic. “Nonsense! President Abbas says that I am dead.  And he never lies about anything!”

Ahmed continued his rant; “This place totally blows. It’s like I died and went to Jew Heaven.”   While Ahmed holds out hope that things will turn around, the head nurse just stopped by to tell him that the only virgins in the building are the guys in the basement Tech Support/IT office who play World of Warcraft.  And there’s only five of them.