(Photo Credit:popikphotography.com)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 2/29/2016 at 10:50 PM

Tel Aviv, HaNamal- A local guy is “really in a weird place right now” about the looming decision he must make: exactly which Speedo to buy in preparation for Tel Aviv’s Summer Beach Season. “This is exhausting……I…..I just feel overwhelmed.” sighed an exasperated Shlomi P. as he browsed shops at Tel Aviv’s upscale Namal Port. Shlomi constantly weighed the different factors in his head that would influence his purchase. “I put on some weight this winter in the gut….and so I want a Speedo that will really  accurately reflect this…..you know…..Just a real spillover effect. But at the same time, I want a Speedo that is loose enough that I can carry my Smart Phone in there.” (* Editor’s Note: We actually saw a guy pull his phone out of his Speedos once, and our therapist says that if we continue with our progress, we may un-see this event within two years.)

When it comes to the Speedo purchase, Shlomi must deal with multiple potential conflicts. Not only must Shlomi deal with his own body image issues, bu there is also the hidden menace of peer pressure.  “Is there judgment going on when  you hit the beach? Definitely. You do NOT want to be caught out there wearing last year’s Speedo.”

As he continued to browse the shops, Shlomi stressed that his Speedo purchase is a form of self-expression, a chance to build his brand. “Not everyone on the beach wearing a Speedo is who they say they are. There’s a lot of imposters out there. But I’m just going to keep on keeping it real. Wait….does this navy blue play up my tucchus?  Because I’ve been doing some squats in the gym this winter.”