By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 9/28/2016 at 7:00 AM
Tel Aviv: Late wonder-nun Mother Teresa is now officially a Saint, 19 years after her death in India at the age of 87. Following a complex and frankly tedious process, the Catholic Church has collected enough documents and testimony to make her a Saint, a title reserved for people considered so holy during their lives that are they considered to be with God and can actually perform miracles.
Israeli supermodel and part-time taxpayer Bar Refaeli was said to be devastated, angered that Sainthood does not exist in Judaism, or to the living, especially as her magic was not applauded when it came to her income tax forms.
Taking a short break from shopping for lipstick, Refaeli told the Daily Freier: “I know she helped people in the slums of Calcutta but I made a quite frankly hilarious video for ‘Funny or Die‘. And without expecting a thank you.”
Like a Biblical X-Factor, the Vatican goes through several stages, to include:
- Reading the testimonies from sick people who have been cured
- Ploughing through a heap of local references
- Sending documents to the Judges’ Houses, the Theologians, to see if you are even worth the trouble.
A hopeful Refaeli noted: “I dated DiCaprio for a while and that is always worth a few brownie points at the Pearly Gates, although I am not sure, with him being a gentile, whether the Rabbis would let that slide. I mean at least he wasn’t Reform.”
If a potential Saint gets through this stage, you then have to prove that you performed a miracle, such as healing the sick. While Ms. Teresa cured a woman of stomach tumors after the victim prayed to her, Refaeli said she once kissed an aspirin and gave it to her sister and the migraine disappeared instantly. There were some gasps among theologians at this point, who added: “Ms Refaeli, you are quite something else.”
This stage, called beatification, and less painful than it sounds, is followed by the need for a second miracle, like Leicester FC winning the Premier League or Trump being nice to foreigners. Once that is complete, you are considered a Saint.
There appears to be some hope for Ms. Refaeli. The Saint-making machine has not been exempt from corruption and backhanders for many years so if she gets her furry alligator purse out, she may yet get a day named after her.