*Disclaimer: The man in this story is NOT the man in the photo! Please don’t get mad at him! (We sort of have a history of messing these things up.)

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/25/2020 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Today a Tel Aviv man discovered something amazing: that the popular Facebook page Secret Tel Aviv has purposes other than being an impromptu Corona Dating Site. You see, for the past month, people returning from abroad have gone on Secret Tel Aviv to, umm, “spice up” their Quarantine arrangements. Some dude even had a Lady Friend advertising him to potential partners, explaining that he was hot and there was “Yoga and Books” at his place. Then ANOTHER guy advertised his Corona Pad to potential candidates, with something about kombucha and naked sunbathing. So one could forgive Start-Up employee/surfer Danny S. for not knowing that Secret Tel Aviv actually does other things. Danny took time out of his busy schedule to explain his moment of clarity with the Daily Freier.

“So I found a woman’s credit card, and I went on Secret Tel Aviv to meet her and return it. But, ehhm, I also mentioned that I wear a Size 44 Shoe.” Danny grinned mischieviously. “Get it? Get it?” (REAL LIFE ALERT: A dude just did this.)

The Daily Freier tried to focus Danny on just what he discovered on Secret Tel Aviv that was different from his perception. “Oh yeah!” Danny exclaimed. “So I was looking around the site and saw all this other stuff. I thought, ‘Hey, I can swap apartments, find a yoga class, and sell my stuff.’ I never knew! You can even ask for a home-pedicure during Lockdown!” (REAL LIFE ALERT: A woman just did this.)

The Daily Freier wanted to get more of “The Big Picture” so we asked one of our female readers just what the heck was going on, and she explained. “Corona 2020 is basically ‘guy who ghosted me in 2017′ suddenly coming out of the woodwork with new shitty invitations. Total sweetheart in my inbox just thinking about my health during this pandemic, offering to come straight to my bedroom for safety purposes. ‘No problem, in the Corona time we date in the car or house so your choice.’ ….Please kill me.”

This is even better than the time Secret Tel Aviv opened a Sperm Bank.