Category: Beards

Half of Tel Aviv Under Arrest After Witness Describes Bike Theft Suspect as “Guy with Sort of a Hipster Beard”

(Photo Credit: The Artist Formerly Known as Snir)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/12/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: Approximately 46% of the city is in police custody today after a man spotted stealing a bicycle on Allenby was described by eyewitnesses as “brown or black hair, with sort of a hipster beard. Possibly a man bun, but maybe not”.  The Daily Freier went down to Police Headquarters to check out the balagan first-hand.

With thousands of men milling around in giant makeshift holding pens, Jabotinsky between Dizengoff and Ben Yehuda Streets was completely cut off to traffic.  The police shouted orders to the assembled men by bullhorn, but to little effect. It appeared that the prisoners had themselves issued a list of demands, to include: better Wi-Fi, some coffee hafuch, rolling papers, more outlets to charge their I-Phones, and Krembo.

Despite the chaos, the Daily Freier was able to speak to those citizens who had assisted the authorities in their investigation. Alert local Ronit S. witnessed the theft and immediately went to the police to provide a statement.  “So I went to Headquarters and sat down with a sketch artist and described the guy who stole the bike. But when he was done drawing, the picture looked kinda like my last three ex-boyfriends. Oh yeah, I also told the cops that I overheard the suspect talk about his trip to Southeast Asia and that he was thinking of joining a start-up. Wait. Why are you laughing at me? I thought I was being helpful!

As the city adjusts to the mass incarceration, the effects are already being felt. At least 22 coffee shops failed to open today due to a lack of employees.  In addition, Birthright Israel reported much more efficient movement of their tours throughout the city, unimpeded by guys approaching the women in their groups because they “just want to talk to you for a second”. The Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” crashed after 12,000 people asked, “for a friend”, how to bail yourself out of jail, create a makeshift pipe out of an apple and tinfoil, and/or which pizza places will deliver to jail. Over 5000 “arrested selfies” were also uploaded to the site before the server went down.

While incarcerated, four of the detainees have already collaborated on an app that allows you to crowd-source prison break attempts with other people currently detained in the same jail as you.

 

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Rothschild Area Woman Gives Boyfriend 2 Weeks to Grow a Decent Beard or the Relationship is Over

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By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/25/2015 at 11:20 AM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Local web designer Tamar B. has given her boyfriend Natan an ultimatum: either grow a decent beard within 2 weeks or they are breaking up.  Tamar opened up to the Daily Freier’s Lifestyles and Leisure reporter: “When I first met Natan, I really thought he had potential.  It was summer and he had some stubble that looked really good with his tan. Then time went by and I started dropping subtle hints about a beard, but he just didn’t get it. I mean HELLO, not only do I live in Tel Aviv, but I live on Rothschild. Should I have made this a bit more obvious and just moved to Florentin???”  Tamar went on to note just how embarrassing it was that all of her girlfriends knew she was dating a beard-deficient man. “I can’t take this.  Everyone’s starting to talk. Like, Naomi’s boyfriend has the full Tel Aviv hipster beard.  She’s basically dating Theodor Herzl.  And me? I’m stuck with Mister ‘I can’t help it, it’s genetics’.”

Daily Freier caught up with Natan for his take on this troubling development. “I really don’t know what to do” shared a visibly shaken Natan.  “I’ve tried everything.  I asked the Yeshiva Bochers at the booth outside Shuk HaCarmel, I mean they’re only like 19 with beards twice as thick as mine, but they just told me to lay Tefillin and the problem would solve itself……It didn’t.”  Natan went on to explain the potentially dangerous procedures he was subjecting himself to; “My Vad Bayit, Shlomo might be the hairiest man who can still be classified as human.  He told me to apply a mixture of hummus and motor oil to my face before bed each night…….nothing. But now I smell like a snack bar in a Be’er Sheva gas station.”

As the story went to press, there were unconfirmed sighting of Natan outside of the Jaffa Scientology Headquarters, gesturing to his face  and talking to a sympathetic woman wearing khaki pants, a denim shirt and carrying a clipboard.

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