By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 7/21/2018 at 2:50 PM
Wichita Falls, Texas: A terminally ill teen had his dreams come true when celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay paid a surprise to his home and harshly criticized his cooking skills for a full 45 minutes. Bobby Holliman has been cooking since kindergarten, so when he received news that he had six months to live, his parents contacted the Make-A-Wish Foundation and said Bobby’s lifelong dream was to have Mr. Ramsay trash his signature dish of fish tacos in person. Gordon and his production company showed up at Bobby’s North Texas home this morning and immediately started peppering him with questions.
“Bloody hell, you’re using store-bought tacos shells aren’t you?” demanded Mr. Ramsay as Bobby smiled and his parents looked on with joy. “Do you even know how to make your own tacos shells? And don’t you lie to me or I will walk out the bloody door right now.”
“I’ve been watching his shows since I was a kid.” explained Bobby. “So when he interrogated me about the marinade while angrily waving a bottle of white wine vinegar in the air….. I just felt so special.”
Even Bobby’s mom Kathy enjoyed the spotlight today. “After 10 minutes, Gordon started searching my house and found my second freezer in the garage. Then he yelled at me to come over and demanded to know how long the vegetable stock had been in the freezer. I mean, this made a magical day that much more amazing.”
As the visit came to a close, Mr. Ramsay presented Bobby with a spice rack and a signed copy of his new book and then told him to go back to the kitchen and clean the f—ing cutting board with some f—ing soap before he gives his whole f—ing family a case of f—ing salmonella.
(Photo Credit: DPA)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 1/11/2016 at 6:30 AM
Cologne, Germany: A leading team of European anthropologists has uncovered a fascinating but little-known nomadic group that expresses the concept of gratitude and thankfulness by robbing and sexually assaulting their hosts. Professor Holgar C. from the University of Berlin spoke to the Daily Freier about this exciting discovery.
“What we see here is a nomadic group that has departed a violent and dangerous ecosystem and been welcomed into a safe and peaceful ecosystem. At this point they conduct a ceremonial show of gratitude to their hosts by congregating at train stations and attempting to rape the indigenous women. On some occasions they will also conduct an elaborate ritual of rifling through the women’s purses for trinkets and ornaments. Sometimes they will even record the solemn ritual on a smart phone!”
Professor Holgar also admonished the public not to pre-judge others just because they behave differently. “I think it is important that we don’t inject our own value judgments into this study . Just as Westerners shake hands while Japanese people bow, different groups can express gratitude in different ways. So while you might express gratitude with a small but thoughtful gift or handwritten note, this group expresses gratitude by forming coordinated packs, surrounding women, and then sexually assaulting them. Fascinating, really.”
While the elaborate ceremonies are indeed fascinating, Professor Holgar was quick to stress that this unique expression of thankfulness is only performed when they are residing within the host ecosystem. “Let’s face it. If they pulled this crap in their home country, the victim’s brothers and cousins would hunt the perpetrators down like dogs so fast the rapists would pray the cops got to them first.”
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