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European Anthropologists Discover Fascinating Nomadic Tribe That Expresses Gratitude Through Theft, Sexual Assault

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(Photo Credit: DPA)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 1/11/2016 at 6:30 AM

Cologne, Germany: A leading team of European anthropologists has uncovered a fascinating but little-known nomadic group that expresses the concept of gratitude and thankfulness by robbing and sexually assaulting their hosts.  Professor Holgar C. from the University of Berlin spoke to the Daily Freier about this exciting  discovery.

“What we see here is a nomadic group that has departed a violent and dangerous ecosystem and been welcomed into a safe and peaceful ecosystem. At this point they conduct a ceremonial show of gratitude to their hosts by congregating at train stations and attempting to rape the indigenous women. On some occasions they will also conduct an elaborate ritual of rifling through the women’s purses for trinkets and ornaments. Sometimes they will even record the solemn ritual on a smart phone!”

Professor Holgar also admonished the public not to pre-judge others just because they behave differently. “I think it is important that we don’t  inject our own value judgments into this study . Just as Westerners shake hands while Japanese people bow, different groups can express gratitude in different ways. So while you might express gratitude with a small but thoughtful gift or handwritten note, this group expresses gratitude by forming coordinated packs, surrounding women, and then sexually assaulting them. Fascinating, really.

While the elaborate ceremonies are indeed fascinating, Professor Holgar was quick to stress that this unique expression of thankfulness is only performed when they are residing within the host ecosystem. “Let’s face it. If they pulled this crap in their home country, the victim’s brothers and cousins would hunt the perpetrators down like dogs so fast the rapists would pray the cops got to them first.”

#SORRYNOTSORRY

 

 

 

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Shin Bet Actively Recruiting Your Friend Who Can Say With a Straight Face that Jerusalem Has a Great Party Scene

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By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/13/2015 at 1:30 PM

Jerusalem: Your friend Mike from back home is beginning to attract attention.  As he sat next to you in a bar on Ben Yehuda Street in Jerusalem telling you just how awesome the city’s scene is, a nondescript man in his mid-50’s discreetly eavesdropped from a nearby table and gave the Daily Freier reporter a quiet play-by-play of unfolding events.

“Just look at how he maintains eye contact with the subject while he tells him ‘Dude, you just don’t know what it’s like up here” noted the nondescript man, identified only as ‘Motti’.

“Notice how he keeps his arms at his side, signalling  openness, as he completely bullshits the guy by telling him ‘Jerusalem is just as good, JUST as good as Tel Aviv.”

Mike continued uttering complete BS to you as he explained “Jerusalem is actually BETTER, because it’s so underground. Do you know what I’m saying?” And no, you really don’t know what he’s saying.

As Mike continued to spin yarns to you, Motti explained what he saw; ” We need this guy on the inside. This man is a pro.  The way he completely fabricated a cool Jerusalem subculture that does not in fact actually exist .  I don’t understand how he is able to obfuscate with such a straight face and without any telltale verbal tics…….It’s almost as if he’s lying to himself.”

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Prince of Darkness Gives Joan Rivers 48 Hours to Vacate Hell After She Makes Osama Bin Laden Cry

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Editor’s Note: We don’t really think that Joan Rivers is going to Hell, but this was too good a story to ignore.  Plus we hope she would have liked it.  We also know that Jews aren’t really big on the whole “Hell” concept, which is a good thing because members of the Daily Freier Staff may or may not have been blogging on Shabbes.  But if there is a Hell we hope that Bin Laden is forced to attend an eternal synagogue board meeting debating the time and location of next month’s Sisterhood Rummage Sale……

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/6/2014 at 10:30 AM

Gehenna: A Spokesperson for The Deceiver of Men confirmed today that because of a very public blow-up involving the late Al Qaeda mastermind Osama Bin Laden, Ms. Joan Rivers was no longer welcome in Hell and has been asked to vacate the premises no later than Midnight, 7 September, Hell Central Time. The incident occurred at Hell’s Starbucks [Editor: OF COURSE Hell has a Starbucks] yesterday afternoon, mere hours after Joan River’s passing from this plane of existence. According to bystanders, a very public argument broke out moments after the outspoken Jewish comedienne entered the shop to find Mr. Bin Laden sitting with several of his wives drinking pumpkin-spice blend.

Rivers: Fancy meeting you here, you big putz!

Bin Laden: You are a shameless Jewish whore!

Rivers: Tell me something I don’t know; I sold bracelets on QVC that said the same thing…..(Turning to a very young  looking wife of Bin Laden) Honey, how old are you? Don’t you have a curfew?  (Turning back to Bin Laden) Hey Osama Bin Amber Alert, where did you meet this one, during recess?

Bin Laden: You cannot talk to me like that! I led the confrontation with the Great Satan! I made your nation quake! I…

Rivers: (Interrupting) And you died watching porn in a shithole so disgusting I wouldn’t let my dog pee there. (Lighting a Cigarette, looking Bin Laden in the eye)…. Bubelleh, I’m just getting started with you…..

Starbucks Employee: Excuse me Ms. Rivers, But the 7th Circle Starbucks has a strict No Smoking Policy [Editor: OF COURSE Hell enforces No Smoking Rules]

Rivers: Don’t tell me about your stupid No Smoking rules! I’m f–ing dead!  Do you think I give a…….[The Employee Runs Away]

Bin Laden: [Getting Up, turning to his wives] We are leaving!

Rivers: Your beard makes you look like a low-rent Wolfman Jack! [She starts handing out business cards to Bin Laden’s wives]  Listen up ladies—whenever you want to leave this loser, I know the best divorce lawyer in Hell [Editor: And there are quite a few of them down there]. You’re each entitled to half his shit.  Which is 50% plus 50% plus 50% plus 50%,which equals…..forget it, let me go ask my sheister accountant….

It was at this point when Hell’s Mall Security escorted Ms. Rivers from the premises and presented her with a Persona Non Grata Order.  When contacted, Ms. Rivers’ publicist noted that she currently has no plans post-Hell, but she may do a week of shows in Vegas.