Iran’s Top Ten Excuses for Haniyeh’s Assassination

We here in Israel were just as Shocked (Shocked I tell you!) as you were when we learned of Ismail Haniyeh’s untimely passing this week. Yet before we could move on with our lives and attain Closure, we needed to get to the bottom of exactly what went wrong with Iran’s security and how they failed to prevent this tragedy. So we put on our Journalist hats and did some real shoe leather work that may or may not have entailed joining a Code Pink Zoom Virtual Shiva. The results were 100% Pure Journalism with a side of hummus. So behold: Iran’s Top Ten Excuses for Ismail Haniyeh’s Assassination!

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1. Our new Chief of Security came highly recommended by the U.S. Secret Service.

2. Busy binge-watching “Tehran”.

3. Still understaffed because we thought Ilhan Omar’s ‘brother’ and ‘husband’ were two different people.

4. Roger Waters smoked a joint on the patio and left the sliding door unlocked.

5. Sloped Roof

6. Haniyeh’s Bodyguard incapacitated by the smell from Jeremy Corbyn’s compost pile in the garden.

7. Medea Benjamin keeps sexting us.

8. Our Nightshift Zoom Meeting went late because Trita Parsi doesn’t know how to stop talking.

9. Should have been more suspicious of the Tubi bottles we found behind the shrubs.

10. Our interns from Jewish Voice for Peace were at a Shabbat Dinner on Wednesday night.