Tag: Hamas

Top Ten surprises in the Ten Year Backlog of Palestinian Mail

So Israel and the Palestinian Authority ended some sort of dispute, and now Jordan can give them some mail that’s been held up since 2008 (Anyone who thinks this is just because of “The Occupation” is welcome to help us get our $50 worth of clothes from the Gap out of Ben Gurion Airport Customs without paying the $30 in fees that they demanded from us). But what long-hidden truths have been revealed? The Daily Freier got one of our Scandinavian backpacker friends to check out Ramallah and come back with a full report. And what a report it was! It’s like a Time Capsule from 2008! The first iPhone! Obamamania! Taylor Swift just broke up with a Jonas Brother! If only we could…. never mind. Anyhoo, here are the Top 10 Revelations in the mail!


10) That gift we need to get Hosni Mubarak for his “30 Years as President” party? Skip.

9) That invite to Qadaffi’s 2011 Folk Dancing Expo and Film Festival in Tripoli? Same.

8) The 2012 “Bashar Assad Salute to Arab Unity Weekend” in Damascus? You seeing a pattern yet?

7) Can somebody tell Mahmoud Al-Mabhouh to watch out for women in floppy hats and guys with tennis rackets when he goes to Dubai?

6) They say that the Zionist Dogs are going to build a High Speed Rail from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv by 2016.

5) That Real Estate Investment Prospectus from Ehud Olmert? No. Just No.

4) Bibi is in BIG Trouble! There is NO WAY the Israeli Left can screw up the 2015 Elections!

3) Obama just beat McCain! We will never get a more sympathetic friend in the White House! Now is the time to really sit down for negotiations and finally get our Palestinian State living in peace next to Israel! Wait, what’s that? We’re just going to blame Israel, do nothing for the next 8 years, and wait for something to happen? OK that also works.

2) Hahahaha! Donald Trump is running for President in 2016! Hahahaha!

1) Wait, Mahmoud Abbas is still in Office???

 

 

Advertisements

Natalie Portman’s new film set in a Parallel Universe where Natalie Portman doesn’t say dumb sh*t

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/4/2018 at 2:15 PM

Hollywood: Critics and audiences are raving about the new Sci-Fi hit starring Natalie Portman. The Film titled “Being De-Woked“, is set in a reality where Natalie Portman does not feel the need to constantly make statements about current events that make Snooki sound like Margaret Thatcher. In the film, the Israeli Government notices that Hollyweird is turning Natalie dangerously “Woke“,  so they dispatch a crack team of time-traveling Frechot Commandos (names: Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav) to find Natalie in the year 2008, kidnap her, and bring her to a secret Mossad laboratory in the Mojave Desert where she undergoes a controversial “De-Wokeification” process, thus preventing the current reality of a “Woke” Natalie from ever taking place. (Spoiler Alert: the mission is almost compromised when Roni diverts the Time Machine so she can visit the Duty-Free at LAX).

(We’re published over on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

“I chickened out.” Hamas arson bird quits martyrdom operation

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/17/2018 at 7:50 PM

Gaza: Southern Israel breathed a little easier today after a Hamas bird fitted with explosives abandoned his suicide mission to Israel and flew home instead (And yes, Hamas arson birds is apparently a thing now). The Arson Bird, named Fuad, spoke with the Daily Freier from his nest near Gaza City.

I chickened out.” admitted Fuad. “When the Hamas bigshots sold me on becoming a Shahid bird, it all sounded great. A lifetime in paradise eating birdseed and screwing 72 females. I mean, where do I sign up, right?

Fuad went on to explain his change of heart. “It all seemed a bit final, you know? I want to experience life. And there are so many opportunities out there. I mean, my cousin Eddie was a spy falcon for the Mossad…. now he’s in Breaking the Silence I guess.”

As the Daily Freier ended the interview, Fuad claimed he had no regrets. “I am so happy to be home. Besides, who wants to die in Ashkelon?

Mayhem as Hamas “March of Return” accidentally merges with Tel Aviv Pride Parade

Pride Week March of Return(Editor’s Note: This won’t offend Anybody)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 6/5/2018 at 12:50 PM

Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: There was shock, confusion and blame in the city today when Gaza’s March of Return was diverted through Tel Aviv’s Pride March. LGBT organizers were left bewildered when Hamas militants emerged from the AM:PM on Bograshov dressed in rainbow bandanas, provocatively enjoying lolly ices and flinging their balaclavas in the air like they just don’t care.

Nobody knows exactly how this all happened, although residents in-the-know suspect there is some sort of tunnel on Rothschild. By the time the 200,000-strong parade reached Hayarkon, Islamic Jihad had its own float, waving kites and offering Molotov cocktails to the Bears. Meanwhile, at Charles Clore, drag queens had pinched placards demanding the right to return home. In 40 degree heat, their make up was running.

Miri Regev, Minister for Culture and Sport, profoundly stated: “I have no words, but as long as people are enjoying themselves…. By the way, Have you seen our new pamphlets?

……Although there were some hurt feelings when parade attendees noted that a lot of the Hamas guys looked better in their GRINDR profile pics.

 

 

But Mr. Haniyeh, Why is My Bus Ticket to the March of Return Only One-Way?

Mr. Haniyeh, it is a great honor to join you in the heroic struggle to end the Occupation of Gaza! We will drive the Jews out of Gaza….. Wait. They all left in 2005? But we are still Occupied! Because!

But our struggle is not just about the Occupation. It is about breaking down the Walls that separate Gaza from the World! Wait. We border the largest nation in the Arab World, and they say that we are Brothers!

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

 

Palestinians fear fallout from huge cut in aid. Also, they bought a $50 Million Jet

Abbas AirlinesBy Lee Saunders and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/29/2017 at 5:30 PM

Ramallah: There was renewed hope among Palestinians this week after Mahmoud Abbas bagged $50 million in aid money to buy himself a private jet. While some accused the Palestinian President of selling out his people, Abbas said he deserved it.

I am in the 14th year of my 4-year term and my legs aren’t what they used to be. I can’t be sat in armed jeeps the whole time, making things up, cursing, and handing out sweets to the kids.” he added.

The UN’s favorite little grandpa went on to say that he intended to use “Abbas Airlines” to transport his friends between Gaza City and Ramallah, once the freiers at the European Union  finished building them a luxury airport with a lovely baggage carousel.

Hamas also welcomed the move, adding that foreign visitors would be most welcome. Visas would be free, but tourists are expected to take out their own insurance n the unlikely event that yada yada yada. Tourists are already lining up for the opportunity to see Arafat’s Tomb, the Roger Waters Wax Museum, the United Nations School that definitely was NOT used to fire mortars at Israel, and the Hamas Bumblebee. Also, Hamas mentioned something about a tunnel connecting Gaza International’s main concourse and downtown Tel Aviv.

The Abbas Airlines aircraft, dubbed “Quds Force 1”, boasts 72 flight attendants, each covered head to toe. And apparently they’re virgins.

ISIS and the West: moving past the name-calling, by Jeremy Corbyn

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

What I am about to say may cause some discomfort, but perhaps it is time that we move beyond the Neo-Thatcherite/Neo-Blairite visions of the world and find a new approach. Today the West finds itself once again mixed up in a war in the Middle East, and once again we are hearing the name calling of our so-called enemies. Words like “fascist”, “murderous”, and “evil”. But I used those words just last week to describe proposed changes to the NHS. So perhaps it is time to step back, take a deep breath and try to understand “The Other”.  To work toward a more even-handed vision.

Again, the usual suspects continue to use quite slanderous words about ISIS. Yet right here in London, we can witness genuine outreach on their part, with the very real example of Anjem Choudary, who has made sincere efforts to work with the Progressive Community by defending a Labour MP when she got slightly ahead of herself and suggested that Israel should be dismantled and the Jews shipped off to the United States. In fact, one can even compare ISIS to Israel, which I have been known to do in the past.

So today I stand before you as a proud member of the Progressive Left and say: It is time for us to look at ISIS objectively and see it for what it truly is. A community that is ethnically diverse, dissatisfied with the status quo, critical of Western Imperialism, and clearly motivated enough to take direct action.  They embrace the philosophy of Said Qutb. But so do many people whom I count among my friends. They are fond of their beards, as am I. They have some serious problems with a certain group of people clustered along the Levant and the London Northern Line. As do I.

And to those of you who think this speech is crazy and something I can’t possibly have really said, please think long and hard and ask yourself: If Jeremy Corbyn said this would I actually be shocked?

Hamas catfishing plot busted after “Israeli girls” discussed no post-Army plans to do drugs in Goa or sell Dead Sea products in a Texas mall

idf-catfish_rev2863667969.pngBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/16/2017 at 10:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Israel is still in shock after the revelation that Hamas conducted an online espionage campaign against Israeli soldiers by posing as attractive Israeli women. The “women” infiltrated Facebook groups of Israeli soldiers and veterans, and attempted to gather classified information through “catfishing” innocent and unsuspectingly horny Israeli guys. The IDF revealed the plot late last week and explained how they busted the ring: the failure of the “women” to mention all the drugs they’re going to do at a rave in India when they finish their Army service, along with their failure to describe a plan to sell Dead Sea skin cream with their cousin out of a kiosk in a mall outside of Houston. The IDF unveiled the details in a Press Conference today, so The Daily Freier walked down to their Headquarters to check things out for ourselves.

The IDF spokesperson was flanked on stage by a panel of soldiers who found themselves caught up in the plot. The spokesperson then started a PowerPoint presentation and outlined all of the clues that led to the failure of the Hamas plan. “So let’s look at some of the texts.” explained Captain Tomer K. “At first, this appears like a target-rich environment for Hamas. Specifically, by approaching Israeli guys, they chose a demographic that will seemingly say or do anything to get laid …..But wait.Here we have a text where the supposed woman, “Stav”, is seemingly unfamiliar with the concept of hard-selling Dead Sea products in an Ohio mall next to the Forever 21 shop.” Tomer then summoned a soldier to the podium to give his testimonial.

I was talking to this girl named Orit. And everything seemed chill. So I started bragging about all the hash I smoked in Laos.” explained Danny C.  “And then she said that drugs are haram. Also she never complained about the price of cheese.”

Captain Tomer continued his presentation. “So here is the profile of another Hamas spy.  Notice how she does not indicate any plans to get her scuba instructor license in Cancun. Nor does her Facebook history reveal any stories of showing up at the Kathmandu Chabad for Pesach while tripping on mushrooms. Dead giveaway.

Captain Tomer summoned another soldier named Yair to the podium to give his testimony. “So I started chatting with this one girl named Tamar. She seemed really chill and down to earth. She didn’t start arguing with me at any point. So yeah… I just knew that something wasn’t right….. Then I told her that I am going to Amsterdam with friends for a week, and that we were going to stay 7 to a room in our hotel. She replied that if you rent a double occupancy hotel room, that only 2 people should stay there….and that it is inappropriate to take towels or bathrobes from the establishment. Right after that I called my Commander and told him something was wrong.

Finally, Captain Tomer brought up one of the true victims of the affair, a woman whose identity had been stolen, alert local Ronit S.  She explained her shock at the entire series of events. “So I got a call from my mom last Thursday and she told me to turn on the TV. And there was my face. This is just so humiliating.” Ronit then motioned to the assembled soldiers on stage. “I just don’t understand how any of them felt that they would ever have a chance with me.

The Press Conference experienced a bit of a diversion after Ronit explained that while the profile using her photo was NOT her, she does in fact have a fitness and nutrition themed Instagram account. Ronit then commandeered the PowerPoint remote from Captain Tomer in order to display a series of slides showing her doing leg lifts in HaYarkon Park while wearing spandex and a crop top, the new healthy smoothies that she is marketing online, and her cute basset hound named Chris.

Hanukkah Miracle as Ketchup Heiress with nothing to say speaks for 75 Minutes

John Kerry(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2016 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem: People around here have seen a lot, but something is different this week. On Wednesday, something happened that was so profound that it very well may have been a modern Hanukkah miracle. Ketchup heiress/Navy Veteran/Dude who lost to Dubya/Diplomat John Kerry spoke for 75 minutes without actually having anything to say. With only enough relevant ideas to fill a 5 minute chat, Kerry somehow summoned enough J-Street talking points, Senate anecdotes, and Thomas Friedman clichés to make his talk last 75 minutes. Nes Gadol Haya Sham! So the Daily Freier hit the streets to find out the word. On the streets.

As the Daily Freier exited Jerusalem’s Central Bus Station, we ran into a familiar face: Alert Local Ronit S., who was on her way to the Ministry of Education to get a scuba diving certification from Cancun translated into Hebrew so she could be a dive instructor or something. We asked Ronit if she heard the speech.

Yeah. They played it on the bus the whole way here. Seventy. Five. Minutes. It was so bad that the driver actually had to pull over to get some fresh air near Latrun. I made a bet with the guy next to me on how long it would last. He said 90 minutes, I said 70. So I won. 50 Shekels. The guy was mad and insisted that if Kerry was allowed to also speak in French that the speech would have hit 2 hours.

The Daily Freier said goodbye to Ronit and proceeded onto the Light Rail toward the  Illegally Occupied Western Wall. On the Light Rail, we saw Historian Yoni K. who went on to explain the significance of Kerry’s speech. “What Secretary Kerry did was like transporting me back in time.” explained Yoni as he looked into the distance. “It was like I was in Barack Obama’s Columbia University Dorm Room bull session circa 1983. Imagine a reality where Israel never offered the Palestinians a State in 2000, 2001, and 2008.  A reality where Ehud Barak never completely withdrew from South Lebanon in a UN certified move in 2000, and Hezbollah never promptly moved in and kidnapped an Israeli patrol. In this Alternative Universe, Ariel Sharon never removed every Jew from Gaza and handed it over to the Palestinian Authority in 2005; and Hamas never evicted the PA from Gaza in 2007…. You know, for a minute while I was listening to his speech….. I thought that I was high.

The Daily Freier jumped off the Light Rail and walked over to city hall where several children sat in a circle playing dreidel.

Gimmel” shouted one boy as he grabbed a handful of candy from a pile in the center.

Hay” shouted another, as he too grabbed some candy.

Nun” mumbled another boy as the other kids started to taunt him. “Ha Ha!” They shouted as they handed him the headphones of an I-Pod. “Now you have to listen to Kerry recount his special friendship with Shimon Peres.

That’s OK, I guess.” muttered the boy. “At least I don’t have to listen to him talk about his yacht trip to Martha’s Vineyard.

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

The Middle East decides to be more like The Donald

The Donald does the Middle East Daily Freier

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 9/5/2016 at 7:00 AM

Jerusalem: Prospects for peace took a turn for the better this week as leaders in the Middle East tried to emulate the goofy logic of Donald ‘The Donald‘ Trump. Suddenly, longstanding enemies have decided to pay for each others’ infrastructure projects, boosting the chances of a less violent 2017.

The day after US presidential hopeful Donald Trump claimed that Mexico would pay for a long wall that HE wants to build, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu was inspired by such an act of generosity, making the Palestinians an offer they can’t refuse. He agreed to pay for the conversion of the maze of tunnels built by Hamas under Israel into affordable housing, offering small (your realtor called them “cozy”) 2.5 room flats with modern conveniences unknown in Israel such as an actual kitchen, a living room where people can sit, functioning air conditioning units and an IKEA shelving unit tailored for grenades. Tel Aviv residents have already begun to include the tunnels into their searches on Yad Shtayim.

Hamas’ northern buddies Hezbollah seemed to appreciate the gesture by Bibi, immediately offering to pay for a higher barbed wire fence separating Lebanon from Israel. Hezbollah leader, Hassan Nasrallah confirmed on their Al Manar Television Station: “We still remain opposed to The Zionist Entity’s right to be on any map but we wanted to make it a little more challenging for our pious and motivated fighters when they fire rockets over the barbed wire. So we set up a standing order to import the metal wire from all of Bar Refaeli’s bras.

The Egyptians called for a ceasefire between its army and the various terrorists wandering around Sinai, who were getting bored with shooting tin cans off the backs of camels. Cairo has built a second set of Pyramids – out of chickpeas – to offer 3 star accommodation to the violent jihadists. Tragically, thirty fighters died when one of the Pyramids collapsed Jenga-style after a local housewife took a handful to make hummus.

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save