Gaza: Tragedy struck the Gaza Strip yesterday as Israel destroyed a giant tunnel complex, trapping many Hamas fighters in the rubble. Yet this crisis has been compounded with news that three of Democratic Congresswoman Ilhan Omar’s brothers and/or ex-husbands are among the missing. We’re not 100% sure. You see, with the Honorable Ms. Omar, the whole “husband” or “brother” title often gets lost in the weeds. Ms. Omar has a history of saying some not so nice things to say about the Jooz, but that didn’t stop us at the Daily Freier from showing up at the press conference in solidarity with her missing Brusbands.
“Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” Congresswoman Omar sta…..Wait, sorry! She really really said this once! Sorry folks, running satire pieces about these people is harder than you think.
Anyhoo, where were we? Oh yeah, so Ms. Omar was asked about why the United States continued to support Israel and she replied “It’s all about the Benjamins.” which was…. wait what? She actually said this in real life? OK we quit.
So yeah, we tried to write this story but it got away from us. Tune in next week when Ilhan accidentally sings “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahood” on a hot mike and Peter Beinart puts it in context for us.
UPDATE: While credible reports place Roger Waters in the same tunnel complex, he is not currently a husband and/or brother of Congresswoman Omar. We think.
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Israel scored a major victory today over Hamas forces in the Gaza Strip, as sources claim that dozens of Hamas fighters were killed in their underground bunkers. Yet the tactical deception that preceded the attack is just as important as the aerial strikes. You see, The IDF sent out a tweet claiming that the IDF was attacking “in the Gaza Strip” leading Hamas troops to move to their attack tunnels. However, whoever wrote the Tweet had as much of a grasp of English prepositions as the guy on Banana Beach last year who wanted to sleep with you and/or invite you to his mom’s Moshav for Shabbat that weekend. In fact, IDF troops were engaged in combat operations on the Israeli side of the border. The Daily Freier rushed to an impromptu News Conference at IDF Headquarters on Kaplan Street.
As newscasters from throughout Israel and the World waited, an IDF spokesperson named Dudi strolled into the briefing room carrying a darbuka drum and a bag of sunflower seeds.
“The ehhmm….ehmm the Tweet it was good, no?” inquired Dudi as he rolled a spliff and sipped a coffee hafuch.
An attractive female newscaster from Denmark asked Dudi just what went into the strategic decision to trick Hamas with false information.
“Ehhm, it was a big nothing, you understand what I’m saying?” Dudi replied while winking. Then he offered the newscaster a chaser of Arak.
The Daily Freier demanded to know how a World-Class Military force with access to thousands of native-English speaking citizens failed to produce proper English sentences, yet Dudi responded that all of the Anglo Olim in Israel had been called up on emergency taskings in order to augment the IDF’s Olah Hadashah Code talking Unit.
As the news conference drew to a close, Dudi indicated that upon completion of his IDF obligations, he would go back to writing the English translations for Tel Aviv menus.
So Israel and the Palestinian Authority ended some sort of dispute, and now Jordan can give them some mail that’s been held up since 2008 (Anyone who thinks this is just because of “The Occupation” is welcome to help us get our $50 worth of clothes from the Gap™ out of Ben Gurion Airport Customs without paying the $30 in fees that they demanded from us). But what long-hidden truths have been revealed? The Daily Freier got one of our Scandinavian backpacker friends to check out Ramallah and come back with a full report. And what a report it was! It’s like a Time Capsule from 2008! The first iPhone! Obamamania! Taylor Swift just broke up with a Jonas Brother! If only we could…. never mind. Anyhoo, here are the Top 10 Revelations in the mail!
10) That gift we need to get Hosni Mubarak for his “30 Years as President” party? Skip.
9) That invite to Qadaffi’s 2011 Folk Dancing Expo and Film Festival in Tripoli? Same.
8) The 2012 “Bashar Assad Salute to Arab Unity Weekend” in Damascus? You seeing a pattern yet?
3) Obama just beat McCain! We will never get a more sympathetic friend in the White House! Now is the time to really sit down for negotiations and finally get our Palestinian State living in peace next to Israel! Wait, what’s that? We’re just going to blame Israel, do nothing for the next 8 years, and wait for something to happen? OK that also works.
2) Hahahaha! Donald Trump is running for President in 2016! Hahahaha!
Hollywood: Critics and audiences are raving about the new Sci-Fi hit starring Natalie Portman. The Film titled “Being De-Woked“, is set in a reality where Natalie Portman does not feel the need to constantly make statements about current events that make Snooki sound like Margaret Thatcher. In the film, the Israeli Government notices that Hollyweird is turning Natalie dangerously “Woke“, so they dispatch a crack team of time-traveling Frechot Commandos (names: Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav) to find Natalie in the year 2008, kidnap her, and bring her to a secret Mossad laboratory in the Mojave Desert where she undergoes a controversial “De-Wokeification” process, thus preventing the current reality of a “Woke” Natalie from ever taking place. (Spoiler Alert: the mission is almost compromised when Roni diverts the Time Machine so she can visit the Duty-Free at LAX).
Gaza: Southern Israel breathed a little easier today after a Hamas bird fitted with explosives abandoned his suicide mission to Israel and flew home instead (And yes, Hamas arson birds is apparently a thing now). The Arson Bird, named Fuad, spoke with the Daily Freier from his nest near Gaza City.
“I chickened out.” admitted Fuad. “When the Hamas bigshots sold me on becoming a Shahid bird, it all sounded great. A lifetime in paradise eating birdseed and screwing 72 females. I mean, where do I sign up, right?”
Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: There was shock, confusion and blame in the city today when Gaza’s March of Return was diverted through Tel Aviv’s Pride March. LGBT organizers were left bewildered when Hamas militants emerged from the AM:PM on Bograshov dressed in rainbow bandanas, provocatively enjoying lolly ices and flinging their balaclavas in the air like they just don’t care.
Nobody knows exactly how this all happened, although residents in-the-know suspect there is some sort of tunnel on Rothschild. By the time the 200,000-strong parade reached Hayarkon, Islamic Jihad had its own float, waving kites and offering Molotov cocktails to the Bears. Meanwhile, at Charles Clore, drag queens had pinched placards demanding the right to return home. In 40 degree heat, their make up was running.
Miri Regev, Minister for Culture and Sport, profoundly stated: “I have no words, but as long as people are enjoying themselves…. By the way, Have you seen our new pamphlets?”
……Although there were some hurt feelings when parade attendees noted that a lot of the Hamas guys looked better in their GRINDR profile pics.
Mr. Haniyeh, it is a great honor to join you in the heroic struggle to end the Occupation of Gaza! We will drive the Jews out of Gaza….. Wait. They all left in 2005? But we are still Occupied! Because!
But our struggle is not just about the Occupation. It is about breaking down the Walls that separate Gaza from the World! Wait. We border the largest nation in the Arab World, and they say that we are Brothers!
Ramallah: There was renewed hope among Palestinians this week after Mahmoud Abbas bagged $50 million in aid money to buy himself a private jet. While some accused the Palestinian President of selling out his people, Abbas said he deserved it.
“I am in the 14th year of my 4-year term and my legs aren’t what they used to be. I can’t be sat in armed jeeps the whole time, making things up, cursing, and handing out sweets to the kids.” he added.
The UN’s favorite little grandpa went on to say that he intended to use “Abbas Airlines” to transport his friends between Gaza City and Ramallah, once the freiers at the European Union finished building them a luxury airport with a lovely baggage carousel.
What I am about to say may cause some discomfort, but perhaps it is time that we move beyond the Neo-Thatcherite/Neo-Blairite visions of the world and find a new approach. Today the West finds itself once again mixed up in a war in the Middle East, and once again we are hearing the name calling of our so-called enemies. Words like “fascist”, “murderous”, and “evil”. But I used those words just last week to describe proposed changes to the NHS. So perhaps it is time to step back, take a deep breath and try to understand “The Other”. To work toward a more even-handed vision.
So today I stand before you as a proud member of the Progressive Left and say: It is time for us to look at ISIS objectively and see it for what it truly is. A community that is ethnically diverse, dissatisfied with the status quo, critical of Western Imperialism, and clearly motivated enough to take direct action. They embrace the philosophy of Said Qutb. But so do many people whom I count among my friends. They are fond of their beards, as am I. They have some serious problems with a certain group of people clustered along the Levant and the London Northern Line. As do I.
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Israel is still in shock after the revelation that Hamas conducted an online espionage campaign against Israeli soldiers by posing as attractive Israeli women. The “women” infiltrated Facebook groups of Israeli soldiers and veterans, and attempted to gather classified information through “catfishing” innocent and unsuspectingly horny Israeli guys. The IDF revealed the plot late last week and explained how they busted the ring: the failure of the “women” to mention all the drugs they’re going to do at a rave in India when they finish their Army service, along with their failure to describe a plan to sell Dead Sea skin cream with their cousin out of a kiosk in a mall outside of Houston. The IDF unveiled the details in a Press Conference today, so The Daily Freier walked down to their Headquarters to check things out for ourselves.
The IDF spokesperson was flanked on stage by a panel of soldiers who found themselves caught up in the plot. The spokesperson then started a PowerPoint presentation and outlined all of the clues that led to the failure of the Hamas plan. “So let’s look at some of the texts.” explained Captain Tomer K. “At first, this appears like a target-rich environment for Hamas. Specifically, by approaching Israeli guys, they chose a demographic that will seemingly say or do anything to get laid …..But wait.… Here we have a text where the supposed woman, “Stav”, is seemingly unfamiliar with the concept of hard-selling Dead Sea products in an Ohio mall next to the Forever 21 shop.” Tomer then summoned a soldier to the podium to give his testimonial.
“I was talking to this girl named Orit. And everything seemed chill. So I started bragging about all the hash I smoked in Laos.” explained Danny C. “And then she said that drugs are haram. Also she never complained about the price of cheese.”
Captain Tomer continued his presentation. “So here is the profile of another Hamas spy. Notice how she does not indicate any plans to get her scuba instructor license in Cancun. Nor does her Facebook history reveal any stories of showing up at the Kathmandu Chabad for Pesach while tripping on mushrooms. Dead giveaway.”
Captain Tomer summoned another soldier named Yair to the podium to give his testimony. “So I started chatting with this one girl named Tamar. She seemed really chill and down to earth. She didn’t start arguing with me at any point. So yeah… I just knew that something wasn’t right….. Then I told her that I am going to Amsterdam with friends for a week, and that we were going to stay 7 to a room in our hotel. She replied that if you rent a double occupancy hotel room, that only 2 people should stay there….and that it is inappropriate to take towels or bathrobes from the establishment. Right after that I called my Commander and told him something was wrong.”
Finally, Captain Tomer brought up one of the true victims of the affair, a woman whose identity had been stolen, alert local Ronit S. She explained her shock at the entire series of events. “So I got a call from my mom last Thursday and she told me to turn on the TV. And there was my face. This is just so humiliating.” Ronit then motioned to the assembled soldiers on stage. “I just don’t understand how any of them felt that they would ever have a chance with me.”
The Press Conference experienced a bit of a diversion after Ronit explained that while the profile using her photo was NOT her, she does in fact have a fitness and nutrition themed Instagram account. Ronit then commandeered the PowerPoint remote from Captain Tomer in order to display a series of slides showing her doing leg lifts in HaYarkon Park while wearing spandex and a crop top, the new healthy smoothies that she is marketing online, and her cute basset hound named Chris.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.