Tag: Hamas

But Mr. Haniyeh, Why is My Bus Ticket to the March of Return Only One-Way?

Mr. Haniyeh, it is a great honor to join you in the heroic struggle to end the Occupation of Gaza! We will drive the Jews out of Gaza….. Wait. They all left in 2005? But we are still Occupied! Because!

But our struggle is not just about the Occupation. It is about breaking down the Walls that separate Gaza from the World! Wait. We border the largest nation in the Arab World, and they say that we are Brothers!

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Palestinians fear fallout from huge cut in aid. Also, they bought a $50 Million Jet

Abbas AirlinesBy Lee Saunders and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/29/2017 at 5:30 PM

Ramallah: There was renewed hope among Palestinians this week after Mahmoud Abbas bagged $50 million in aid money to buy himself a private jet. While some accused the Palestinian President of selling out his people, Abbas said he deserved it.

I am in the 14th year of my 4-year term and my legs aren’t what they used to be. I can’t be sat in armed jeeps the whole time, making things up, cursing, and handing out sweets to the kids.” he added.

The UN’s favorite little grandpa went on to say that he intended to use “Abbas Airlines” to transport his friends between Gaza City and Ramallah, once the freiers at the European Union  finished building them a luxury airport with a lovely baggage carousel.

Hamas also welcomed the move, adding that foreign visitors would be most welcome. Visas would be free, but tourists are expected to take out their own insurance n the unlikely event that yada yada yada. Tourists are already lining up for the opportunity to see Arafat’s Tomb, the Roger Waters Wax Museum, the United Nations School that definitely was NOT used to fire mortars at Israel, and the Hamas Bumblebee. Also, Hamas mentioned something about a tunnel connecting Gaza International’s main concourse and downtown Tel Aviv.

The Abbas Airlines aircraft, dubbed “Quds Force 1”, boasts 72 flight attendants, each covered head to toe. And apparently they’re virgins.

ISIS and the West: moving past the name-calling, by Jeremy Corbyn

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

What I am about to say may cause some discomfort, but perhaps it is time that we move beyond the Neo-Thatcherite/Neo-Blairite visions of the world and find a new approach. Today the West finds itself once again mixed up in a war in the Middle East, and once again we are hearing the name calling of our so-called enemies. Words like “fascist”, “murderous”, and “evil”. But I used those words just last week to describe proposed changes to the NHS. So perhaps it is time to step back, take a deep breath and try to understand “The Other”.  To work toward a more even-handed vision.

Again, the usual suspects continue to use quite slanderous words about ISIS. Yet right here in London, we can witness genuine outreach on their part, with the very real example of Anjem Choudary, who has made sincere efforts to work with the Progressive Community by defending a Labour MP when she got slightly ahead of herself and suggested that Israel should be dismantled and the Jews shipped off to the United States. In fact, one can even compare ISIS to Israel, which I have been known to do in the past.

So today I stand before you as a proud member of the Progressive Left and say: It is time for us to look at ISIS objectively and see it for what it truly is. A community that is ethnically diverse, dissatisfied with the status quo, critical of Western Imperialism, and clearly motivated enough to take direct action.  They embrace the philosophy of Said Qutb. But so do many people whom I count among my friends. They are fond of their beards, as am I. They have some serious problems with a certain group of people clustered along the Levant and the London Northern Line. As do I.

And to those of you who think this speech is crazy and something I can’t possibly have really said, please think long and hard and ask yourself: If Jeremy Corbyn said this would I actually be shocked?

Hamas catfishing plot busted after “Israeli girls” discussed no post-Army plans to do drugs in Goa or sell Dead Sea products in a Texas mall

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/16/2017 at 10:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Israel is still in shock after the revelation that Hamas conducted an online espionage campaign against Israeli soldiers by posing as attractive Israeli women. The “women” infiltrated Facebook groups of Israeli soldiers and veterans, and attempted to gather classified information through “catfishing” innocent and unsuspectingly horny Israeli guys. The IDF revealed the plot late last week and explained how they busted the ring: the failure of the “women” to mention all the drugs they’re going to do at a rave in India when they finish their Army service, along with their failure to describe a plan to sell Dead Sea skin cream with their cousin out of a kiosk in a mall outside of Houston. The IDF unveiled the details in a Press Conference today, so The Daily Freier walked down to their Headquarters to check things out for ourselves.

The IDF spokesperson was flanked on stage by a panel of soldiers who found themselves caught up in the plot. The spokesperson then started a PowerPoint presentation and outlined all of the clues that led to the failure of the Hamas plan. “So let’s look at some of the texts.” explained Captain Tomer K. “At first, this appears like a target-rich environment for Hamas. Specifically, by approaching Israeli guys, they chose a demographic that will seemingly say or do anything to get laid …..But wait.Here we have a text where the supposed woman, “Stav”, is seemingly unfamiliar with the concept of hard-selling Dead Sea products in an Ohio mall next to the Forever 21 shop.” Tomer then summoned a soldier to the podium to give his testimonial.

I was talking to this girl named Orit. And everything seemed chill. So I started bragging about all the hash I smoked in Laos.” explained Danny C.  “And then she said that drugs are haram. Also she never complained about the price of cheese.”

Captain Tomer continued his presentation. “So here is the profile of another Hamas spy.  Notice how she does not indicate any plans to get her scuba instructor license in Cancun. Nor does her Facebook history reveal any stories of showing up at the Kathmandu Chabad for Pesach while tripping on mushrooms. Dead giveaway.

Captain Tomer summoned another soldier named Yair to the podium to give his testimony. “So I started chatting with this one girl named Tamar. She seemed really chill and down to earth. She didn’t start arguing with me at any point. So yeah… I just knew that something wasn’t right….. Then I told her that I am going to Amsterdam with friends for a week, and that we were going to stay 7 to a room in our hotel. She replied that if you rent a double occupancy hotel room, that only 2 people should stay there….and that it is inappropriate to take towels or bathrobes from the establishment. Right after that I called my Commander and told him something was wrong.

Finally, Captain Tomer brought up one of the true victims of the affair, a woman whose identity had been stolen, alert local Ronit S.  She explained her shock at the entire series of events. “So I got a call from my mom last Thursday and she told me to turn on the TV. And there was my face. This is just so humiliating.” Ronit then motioned to the assembled soldiers on stage. “I just don’t understand how any of them felt that they would ever have a chance with me.

The Press Conference experienced a bit of a diversion after Ronit explained that while the profile using her photo was NOT her, she does in fact have a fitness and nutrition themed Instagram account. Ronit then commandeered the PowerPoint remote from Captain Tomer in order to display a series of slides showing her doing leg lifts in HaYarkon Park while wearing spandex and a crop top, the new healthy smoothies that she is marketing online, and her cute basset hound named Chris.

Hanukkah Miracle as Ketchup Heiress with nothing to say speaks for 75 Minutes

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2016 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem: People around here have seen a lot, but something is different this week. On Wednesday, something happened that was so profound that it very well may have been a modern Hanukkah miracle. Ketchup heiress/Navy Veteran/Dude who lost to Dubya/Diplomat John Kerry spoke for 75 minutes without actually having anything to say. With only enough relevant ideas to fill a 5 minute chat, Kerry somehow summoned enough J-Street talking points, Senate anecdotes, and Thomas Friedman clichés to make his talk last 75 minutes. Nes Gadol Haya Sham! So the Daily Freier hit the streets to find out the word. On the streets.

As the Daily Freier exited Jerusalem’s Central Bus Station, we ran into a familiar face: Alert Local Ronit S., who was on her way to the Ministry of Education to get a scuba diving certification from Cancun translated into Hebrew so she could be a dive instructor or something. We asked Ronit if she heard the speech.

Yeah. They played it on the bus the whole way here. Seventy. Five. Minutes. It was so bad that the driver actually had to pull over to get some fresh air near Latrun. I made a bet with the guy next to me on how long it would last. He said 90 minutes, I said 70. So I won. 50 Shekels. The guy was mad and insisted that if Kerry was allowed to also speak in French that the speech would have hit 2 hours.

The Daily Freier said goodbye to Ronit and proceeded onto the Light Rail toward the  Illegally Occupied Western Wall. On the Light Rail, we saw Historian Yoni K. who went on to explain the significance of Kerry’s speech. “What Secretary Kerry did was like transporting me back in time.” explained Yoni as he looked into the distance. “It was like I was in Barack Obama’s Columbia University Dorm Room bull session circa 1983. Imagine a reality where Israel never offered the Palestinians a State in 2000, 2001, and 2008.  A reality where Ehud Barak never completely withdrew from South Lebanon in a UN certified move in 2000, and Hezbollah never promptly moved in and kidnapped an Israeli patrol. In this Alternative Universe, Ariel Sharon never removed every Jew from Gaza and handed it over to the Palestinian Authority in 2005; and Hamas never evicted the PA from Gaza in 2007…. You know, for a minute while I was listening to his speech….. I thought that I was high.

The Daily Freier jumped off the Light Rail and walked over to city hall where several children sat in a circle playing dreidel.

Gimmel” shouted one boy as he grabbed a handful of candy from a pile in the center.

Hay” shouted another, as he too grabbed some candy.

Nun” mumbled another boy as the other kids started to taunt him. “Ha Ha!” They shouted as they handed him the headphones of an I-Pod. “Now you have to listen to Kerry recount his special friendship with Shimon Peres.

That’s OK, I guess.” muttered the boy. “At least I don’t have to listen to him talk about his yacht trip to Martha’s Vineyard.

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The Middle East decides to be more like The Donald

The Donald does the Middle East Daily Freier

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 9/5/2016 at 7:00 AM

Jerusalem: Prospects for peace took a turn for the better this week as leaders in the Middle East tried to emulate the goofy logic of Donald ‘The Donald‘ Trump. Suddenly, longstanding enemies have decided to pay for each others’ infrastructure projects, boosting the chances of a less violent 2017.

The day after US presidential hopeful Donald Trump claimed that Mexico would pay for a long wall that HE wants to build, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu was inspired by such an act of generosity, making the Palestinians an offer they can’t refuse. He agreed to pay for the conversion of the maze of tunnels built by Hamas under Israel into affordable housing, offering small (your realtor called them “cozy”) 2.5 room flats with modern conveniences unknown in Israel such as an actual kitchen, a living room where people can sit, functioning air conditioning units and an IKEA shelving unit tailored for grenades. Tel Aviv residents have already begun to include the tunnels into their searches on Yad Shtayim.

Hamas’ northern buddies Hezbollah seemed to appreciate the gesture by Bibi, immediately offering to pay for a higher barbed wire fence separating Lebanon from Israel. Hezbollah leader, Hassan Nasrallah confirmed on their Al Manar Television Station: “We still remain opposed to The Zionist Entity’s right to be on any map but we wanted to make it a little more challenging for our pious and motivated fighters when they fire rockets over the barbed wire. So we set up a standing order to import the metal wire from all of Bar Refaeli’s bras.

The Egyptians called for a ceasefire between its army and the various terrorists wandering around Sinai, who were getting bored with shooting tin cans off the backs of camels. Cairo has built a second set of Pyramids – out of chickpeas – to offer 3 star accommodation to the violent jihadists. Tragically, thirty fighters died when one of the Pyramids collapsed Jenga-style after a local housewife took a handful to make hummus.

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Hamas regrets hiring Tunnel Safety Expert whom they found from a Door Magnet

Hamas regrets hiring Tunnel Safety Expert they found from a door magnet Daily Freier

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/24/2016 at 11:20 PM

Gaza: As Hamas tunnels continue to tragically suffer collapses and cave-ins, each of which enables at least 72 new options for virgin speed-dating, Hamas leadership appears to have determined the underlying problem. It is not Egypt’s flooding the tunnels with sewage, it is not even one of the Mossad’s Spy Animals.  Rather, the problem is that Hamas hired its Occupational Safety/Risk Management expert from one of those little magnets that plumbers, electricians, and exterminators secretly place on the door of your apartment while you are asleep or something.

(Reader Alert: For those of you who don’t reside in Israel, if you want a train-wreck scenario involving your apartment’s plumbing, structural foundation, or electricity grid, go ahead and hire a guy off of a magnet you found on your door.)

Hamas Bridge and Tunnel Commissioner Fares H. explained the problem to the Daily Freier via Skype. “We couldn’t figure out the problem.  The tunnels kept collapsing, martyring many of our best tunnelers and even endangering our friend Mr. Roger Waters.….Yet we couldn’t find the source.  Finally I asked my personal assistant where he hired our Health and Safety expert, and he admitted that he first callled the guy when he found the company’s magnet on his door one morning.”  Fares shook his head and looked out the window into the distance. “Hey Yuval….Let me ask you, one guy talking to one perfidious Zionist imposter…. do you have idiot personal assistants in Israel also?

In an effort at damage control, Hamas has decided not to fire their Safety Expert, but rather to transfer him to the Advertising Department.  While the hiring process continues, the Tunnel Safety position will be temporarily held by the Hamas Bumblee.

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