Tel Aviv (Surprise!): Summer might be over, but for Haaretz it’s still apparently Four-Twenty. That’s right, the uniquely ridiculous Lefty News Institution on the other side of town has apparently dipped into the edibles again, because they just discovered some new Gods that they will no doubt soon disappoint with their self-absorbed goofy schtick. You see, our friends at Haaretz are like a gift. A gift that once allowed us to write a story about a performance artist at a Haaretz cultural symposium who threw oranges at the audience and stuck a flag in his tuchus (This. Really. Happened.). So growing into a disappointment to other deities besides the Yud Hey Vav Hey isn’t really a stretch. The Daily Freier launched an intensive flurry of investigative journalism, tracking down several of these deities on their alternative planes of existence.
“I just feel that Gideon Levy’s writing is getting so…. derivative.” complained Thoth the Egyptian deity of Wisdom and Science as he languished on the shores of the Nile. “And don’t get me started on Amira Hass. She just seems nuts…..Can I say that? Is that offensive? My kid just came back from Oberlin and said that I’m ‘part of the problem’. I’m honestly having a hard time keeping track of the new rules.“
The Daily Freier then spoke with Ishtar, the Akkadian Goddess of Love and Beauty. “I like going out with my girlfriends on Fridays to check out a new cafe or maybe a gallery opening, so I still get the weekend paper delivered to my flat in Neve Tzedek. But their online English edition just seems insane.” Ishtar took a sip of her Tubi and stared into the distance. “So what’s Bradley Burston upset about this week?“
In order to ensure impartiality, the Daily Freier spoke with HaShem, who was dwelling just outside of Tzfat in a reality beyond human concepts of Time and Space. “I know that Schocken has been trying to bait me for years, so right now I’m giving him the silent treatment.” mused the Tetragrammaton as (your favorite pronoun) absentmindedly created a new marsupial. “For years I’ve been complaining about Haaretz to Thor, Quetzalcoatl, and Vishnu at our Sunday poker games…. now maybe they will see what I’ve been dealing with.”
As the Daily Freier was about to end our Zoom call with the Lord of Hosts, we could have sworn that we overheard The Creator offering to trade Haaretz to the Gentiles for Dolly Parton and Chinese food.
The Lone Soldier Center, Tel Aviv: With news that our idealistic and naive Prime Minister was outmaneuvered by Yair Lapid offering Mansour Abbas some sweet political freebies to join his coalition, a new Political Party has signaled that it too is ready to be bought off. The Recently formed Chayal Boded (“Lone Soldier”) Party has signaled that it will swing its electoral strength behind the right coalition… for a price. The Daily Freier joined a hastily convened Press Conference in the Lone Soldier Center Dining Hall just as they finished serving that tasty Chinese chicken with the sticky rice.
“Our demands are simple.” explained Party Spokesperson Doron S. “We need an iPhone charger. A couple of spliffs. Some tuna fish. A big bag of Bamba. Also maybe a bottle of Tubi this weekend after we get back from the South.” Doron whispered hastily with a cluster of advisors behind the microphone and then continued. “Don’t worry about the tuna fish, Josh is doing Miluim this weekend so when he gets back we should be good to go in terms of groceries for at least 2 weeks.”
“Before we join any Coalition…” Doron admonished “The Lone Soldier Party has some serious questions that need answers. Like the Knesset Dining Hall… MK’s eat for free, right? Also, will this give us some sort of discount on our Arnona?”
The Daily Freier stood up to challenge Doron on his Party’s short-sighted platform, but the Lone Soldier Center manager announced that she had an extra toaster oven that she was giving away and we got knocked to the ground in the subsequent chaos.
Tel Aviv, Allenby: Israeli stocks were in free fall this morning as the crisis involving a group of Australians sequestered inside a Tel Aviv Bracelet Bar enters its second week. Last Thursday, a group of seven Australian backpackers entered a “Bracelet Bar” on Allenby in Central Tel Aviv, and have until now not departed the premises. The seven tourists continue to drink alcohol at a rate that Israeli’s Industry is simply not prepared to accommodate, as for Israelis having six drinks is the “craziest night”, whereas in Australia this could in fact be “breakfast”. As the guests continued to consume stocked inventory, the bar owner was first forced to place a lien on his apartment before defaulting to his business’s Insurance Provider. As the Australians discovered “Tubi” on Sunday, the Insurance Provider went into default, leaving beer distributors and peanut wholesalers with massive unpaid bills for goods provided.
As the Crisis continued to eat through the Israeli Economy, the Government summoned the Australian Ambassador on Wednesday. After discussions described as “frank” the Ambassador dispatched a Consular Team to the bar to repatriate their bogans citizens. However, upon learning the selection of drinks available in unlimited quantities for as little as 68 Shekels, the team elected to stay “for a beer” and have since been absorbed into the original group.
The Daily Freier was able to speak to one of the Australians during a momentary lull in service during Shift Change. “Mike” then explained how the Crisis originated. “We were walking back to our hostel from the beach and we passed a bar. The hostess asked us if we wanted to buy a bracelet. I asked her what a bracelet was and she explained that it allowed you to drink as much as you wanted to…… And I thought to myself “If we had this back home we would burn the ****ng country down.” Mike continued to describe what would happen if Australia ever got bracelet bars until a man later identified as his father interjected to share an anecdote about his son’s comparatively “lightweight” drinking habits that involved a father-son trip, Thailand, and vomit. (Editor’s Note: This paragraph actually really kind of happened once!)
A Police Hostage Negotiation Team has been called in and are currently attempting to lure the Australians out of the bar with the promise of “Macca’s“.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.