Tag: Tubi

Elections 2022, Israeli Politics

Crisis: 35% of Israelis have never formed a Political Party with Ayelet Shaked

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/6/2022 at 09:50 AM

Jerusalem:  Late Thursday afternoon, Israel’s Knesset TV station released shocking news. According to published reports and confirmed sources, as many as 35% of Israeli citizens have never been in some sort of political coalition with MK Ayelet Shaked. The Daily Freier set out to discuss this breaking development with real people from across Israeli society, so this isn’t going to be like the times we just interviewed our Juice Guy or our Vaad Bayit.

Yet before this story goes any further, we must stress that we are huge fans of Ms. Shaked. This is because she consistently provides the Daily Freier with amazing fresh material. For example:

1) In order to mock the Israeli Left, she once made a fake commercial for a perfume called “Fascism”. Really.

2) Before the 2019 elections, she made an 80’s-style conceptual music video that can only be described as the weirdest thing that we have ever seen in Israel… and we hang out at the Kerem House. It was a breakup song. Except it’s about the IDF and the Supreme Court. And the Supreme Court is a lawyer with more than a passing resemblance to Ms. Shaked. And the Army is a dude in uniform with a Tel Aviv beard.  (Bonus Points: Naftali Bennett performed a spoken-word rap on the video. We wish we were lying to you.)

3)  She helped us create one of our favorite memes.

So once again, the Daily Freier set out to speak to Real Israelis about their feelings about Ayelet Shaked not yet joining them in a Coalition.

“Hmmm.… are you sure I have never been in a Coalition with Ayelet?” inquired Rehovot resident Dorit S. as she walked through her Shufersal looking for Watermelon and Arak. “I’m quite sure that I met her at my cousin’s Tzimmer up North last summer and signed some papers. Wait, that was my building’s Pinui Binui papers. Never mind.“

The Daily Freier then spoke with Danny C. as he waited for his order of chicken and fries at the Ashdod KFC. “I don’t know why Ms. Shaked has not reached out. I spoke with my friend Yair from Miluim. He says she offered him one of the less important Ministry positions if he signed on with her.“

Finally, we spoke to Stav as she purchased her train tickets at the Hadera station. “I joined her Coalition last year, but we got in an argument over Monetary Policy and I quit. At least that’s how I remember the story. We were at MidBurn.“

The Daily Freier hereby announces that it will enter a Coalition with Ms. Shaked in exchange for a free parking spot in that Municipal Lot near HaBima, some Tubi, and tickets to Lola Marsh.

Haaretz, Judaism

Haaretz discovers new Gods that it can disappoint

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 10/12/2021 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv (Surprise!): Summer might be over, but for Haaretz it’s still apparently Four-Twenty. That’s right, the uniquely ridiculous Lefty News Institution on the other side of town has apparently dipped into the edibles again, because they just discovered some new Gods that they will no doubt soon disappoint with their self-absorbed goofy schtick. You see, our friends at Haaretz are like a gift. A gift that once allowed us to write a story about a performance artist at a Haaretz cultural symposium who threw oranges at the audience and stuck a flag in his tuchus (This. Really. Happened.). So growing into a disappointment to other deities besides the Yud Hey Vav Hey isn’t really a stretch. The Daily Freier launched an intensive flurry of investigative journalism, tracking down several of these deities on their alternative planes of existence.

“I just feel that Gideon Levy’s writing is getting so…. derivative.” complained Thoth the Egyptian deity of Wisdom and Science as he languished on the shores of the Nile. “And don’t get me started on Amira Hass. She just seems nuts…..Can I say that? Is that offensive?  My kid just came back from Oberlin and said that I’m ‘part of the problem’. I’m honestly having a hard time keeping track of the new rules.“

The Daily Freier then spoke with Ishtar, the Akkadian Goddess of Love and Beauty. “I like going out with my girlfriends on Fridays to check out a new cafe or maybe a gallery opening, so I still get the weekend paper delivered to my flat in Neve Tzedek. But their online English edition just seems insane.” Ishtar took a sip of her Tubi and stared into the distance. “So what’s Bradley Burston upset about this week?“

In order to ensure impartiality, the Daily Freier spoke with HaShem, who was dwelling just outside of Tzfat in a reality beyond human concepts of Time and Space. “I know that Schocken has been trying to bait me for years, so right now I’m giving him the silent treatment.” mused the Tetragrammaton as (your favorite pronoun) absentmindedly created a new marsupial. “For years I’ve been complaining about Haaretz to Thor, Quetzalcoatl, and Vishnu at our Sunday poker games…. now maybe they will see what I’ve been dealing with.”

As the Daily Freier was about to end our Zoom call with the Lord of Hosts, we could have sworn that we overheard The Creator offering to trade Haaretz to the Gentiles for Dolly Parton and Chinese food.

Israeli Politics, The IDF

Lone Soldier Political Party will join Coalition for an iPhone charger, 2 spliffs, and some Bamba

(photo credit: The Leeor Institute for Lone Soldier Research)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/20/2021 at 4:30 PM

The Lone Soldier Center, Tel Aviv: With news that our idealistic and naive Prime Minister was outmaneuvered by Yair Lapid offering Mansour Abbas some sweet political freebies to join his coalition, a new Political Party has signaled that it too is ready to be bought off. The Recently formed Chayal Boded (“Lone Soldier”) Party has signaled that it will swing its electoral strength behind the right coalition… for a price. The Daily Freier joined a hastily convened Press Conference in the Lone Soldier Center Dining Hall just as they finished serving that tasty Chinese chicken with the sticky rice.

“Our demands are simple.” explained Party Spokesperson Doron S. “We need an iPhone charger. A couple of spliffs. Some tuna fish. A big bag of Bamba. Also maybe a bottle of Tubi this weekend after we get back from the South.” Doron whispered hastily with a cluster of advisors behind the microphone and then continued. “Don’t worry about the tuna fish, Josh is doing Miluim this weekend so when he gets back we should be good to go in terms of groceries for at least 2 weeks.”

“Before we join any Coalition…” Doron admonished  “The Lone Soldier Party has some serious questions that need answers. Like the Knesset Dining Hall… MK’s eat for free, right? Also, will this give us some sort of discount on our Arnona?”

The Daily Freier stood up to challenge Doron on his Party’s short-sighted platform, but the Lone Soldier Center manager announced that she had an extra toaster oven that she was giving away and we got knocked to the ground in the subsequent chaos.

Tel Aviv Living

Economy plunges after Australians discover Bracelet Bar

Israeli economy crisis Australians Bracelet Bar Daily Freier(Based on a True Story!)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 6/23/2016 at 12:40 PM

Tel Aviv, Allenby: Israeli stocks were in free fall this morning as the crisis involving a group of Australians sequestered inside a Tel Aviv Bracelet Bar enters its second week.  Last Thursday, a group of seven Australian backpackers entered a “Bracelet Bar” on Allenby in Central Tel Aviv, and have until now not departed the premises.  The seven tourists continue to drink alcohol at a rate that Israeli’s Industry is simply not prepared to accommodate, as for Israelis having six drinks is the “craziest night”, whereas in Australia this could in fact be “breakfast”. As the guests continued to consume stocked inventory, the bar owner was first forced to place a lien on his apartment before defaulting to his business’s Insurance Provider. As the Australians discovered “Tubi” on Sunday, the Insurance Provider went into default, leaving beer distributors and peanut wholesalers with massive unpaid bills for goods provided.

As the Crisis continued to eat through the Israeli Economy, the Government summoned the Australian Ambassador on Wednesday.  After discussions described as “frank” the Ambassador dispatched a Consular Team to the bar to repatriate their bogans citizens.  However, upon learning the selection of drinks available in unlimited quantities for as little as 68 Shekels, the team elected to stay “for a beer” and have since been absorbed into the original group.

The Daily Freier was able to speak to one of the Australians during a momentary lull in service during Shift Change. “Mike” then explained how the Crisis originated. “We were walking back to our hostel from the beach and we passed a bar. The hostess asked us if we wanted to buy a bracelet. I asked her what a bracelet was and she explained that it allowed you to drink as much as you wanted to…… And I thought to myself “If we had this back home we would burn the ****ng country down.” Mike continued to describe what would happen if Australia ever got bracelet bars until a man later identified as his father interjected to share an anecdote about his son’s comparatively “lightweight” drinking habits that involved a father-son trip, Thailand, and vomit. (Editor’s Note: This paragraph actually really kind of happened once!)

A Police Hostage Negotiation Team has been called in and are currently attempting to lure the Australians out of the bar with the promise of “Macca’s“.