The Lone Soldier Center, Tel Aviv: With news that our idealistic and naive Prime Minister was outmaneuvered by Yair Lapid offering Mansour Abbas some sweet political freebies to join his coalition, a new Political Party has signaled that it too is ready to be bought off. The Recently formed Chayal Boded (“Lone Soldier”) Party has signaled that it will swing its electoral strength behind the right coalition… for a price. The Daily Freier joined a hastily convened Press Conference in the Lone Soldier Center Dining Hall just as they finished serving that tasty Chinese chicken with the sticky rice.
“Our demands are simple.” explained Party Spokesperson Doron S. “We need an iPhone charger. A couple of spliffs. Some tuna fish. A big bag of Bamba. Also maybe a bottle of Tubi this weekend after we get back from the South.” Doron whispered hastily with a cluster of advisors behind the microphone and then continued. “Don’t worry about the tuna fish, Josh is doing Miluim this weekend so when he gets back we should be good to go in terms of groceries for at least 2 weeks.”
“Before we join any Coalition…” Doron admonished “The Lone Soldier Party has some serious questions that need answers. Like the Knesset Dining Hall… MK’s eat for free, right? Also, will this give us some sort of discount on our Arnona?”
The Daily Freier stood up to challenge Doron on his Party’s short-sighted platform, but the Lone Soldier Center manager announced that she had an extra toaster oven that she was giving away and we got knocked to the ground in the subsequent chaos.
Tel Aviv, Allenby: Israeli stocks were in free fall this morning as the crisis involving a group of Australians sequestered inside a Tel Aviv Bracelet Bar enters its second week. Last Thursday, a group of seven Australian backpackers entered a “Bracelet Bar” on Allenby in Central Tel Aviv, and have until now not departed the premises. The seven tourists continue to drink alcohol at a rate that Israeli’s Industry is simply not prepared to accommodate, as for Israelis having six drinks is the “craziest night”, whereas in Australia this could in fact be “breakfast”. As the guests continued to consume stocked inventory, the bar owner was first forced to place a lien on his apartment before defaulting to his business’s Insurance Provider. As the Australians discovered “Tubi” on Sunday, the Insurance Provider went into default, leaving beer distributors and peanut wholesalers with massive unpaid bills for goods provided.
As the Crisis continued to eat through the Israeli Economy, the Government summoned the Australian Ambassador on Wednesday. After discussions described as “frank” the Ambassador dispatched a Consular Team to the bar to repatriate their bogans citizens. However, upon learning the selection of drinks available in unlimited quantities for as little as 68 Shekels, the team elected to stay “for a beer” and have since been absorbed into the original group.
The Daily Freier was able to speak to one of the Australians during a momentary lull in service during Shift Change. “Mike” then explained how the Crisis originated. “We were walking back to our hostel from the beach and we passed a bar. The hostess asked us if we wanted to buy a bracelet. I asked her what a bracelet was and she explained that it allowed you to drink as much as you wanted to…… And I thought to myself “If we had this back home we would burn the ****ng country down.” Mike continued to describe what would happen if Australia ever got bracelet bars until a man later identified as his father interjected to share an anecdote about his son’s comparatively “lightweight” drinking habits that involved a father-son trip, Thailand, and vomit. (Editor’s Note: This paragraph actually really kind of happened once!)
A Police Hostage Negotiation Team has been called in and are currently attempting to lure the Australians out of the bar with the promise of “Macca’s“.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.