Tel Aviv: Today the Daily Freier, in response to published reports, admitted that it invented Ariel Gold. The Code Pink activist best known for her anti-Zionism, junkets to Iran, and sliding into the DM’s of Hen Mazzig wacky protests, is in fact a fictional invention of the Daily Freier editorial staff created after a bizarre 2014 Negev retreat that featured mushrooms, hand puppets, a stack of old Lilith Magazine issues from the 1980’s, and a Belgian-Palestinian mime troupe. The Daily Freier attended a somber press conference convened by the Daily Freier.
“We made the whole thing up.” admitted Daily Freier editor Yuval Weiss. “The Angry Tweets about Israeli food and cultural appropriation? Fake. The time she got deported from Ben Gurion? We hired an actress who we met at Ulpan Gordon. The bad spelling and Yiddish phrases used out of context? We ran old tweets from Jewish Voice for Peace through Google Translate three times.”
What followed next was a cacophony of questions from reporters offended that they had been lied to for so long. Exactly why had the Daily Freier felt the need to deceive the public for so many years?
“Clicks. We did it all for clicks.” answered Yuval. “We tried to do journalism on the straight and narrow, but the cost of living in Tel Aviv is nuts and we were running out of ideas. Creating the character of Ariel Gold allowed us to buy drinks for our friends and pretend that we were getting rich. Also this isn’t the first time we were forced to retract a storyline. By the way, does anybody know who might have snitched on us?”
The gathered reporters continued to bombard Mr. Weiss with angry denunciations until he finally argued back. “OK people, give it a rest. It’s not like a couple of desperate Jews conjuring up a mythical creature ever had any unintended consequences.”
Ithaca: Ariel Gold is not afraid to take a stand. As a member of Code Pink she has stood against American Foreign Policy on topics such as Iran and Saudi Arabia. She is a noted critic of Israel and has clashed frequently online with Israeli advocates. Yet today Ariel is taking on her most dangerous opponent yet: Standard Written English.
For quite a while, Ms. Gold’s tweets have suffered from a certain lack of proofreading, such as this one and this one. It got so difficult to track what she was saying that we developed an app to make things easier for everyone. Now Ariel has laid down the gauntlet and declared war on proper spelling, grammar, syntax and other tools of World Zionism. We caught up with Ms. Gold as she prepared to picket her local food co-op.
“The spellcheck function is just there to police my words. What is this, ‘A Handmaid’s Tale?’ Helllooo! We say No to Spellcheck, No to Grammarly, No to Proofreading! From the River to the Sea!” The Daily Freier could have sworn that the pink bullhorn in Ariel’s hand was not there at the beginning of this conversation, but we sort of just let it go.
The Daily Freier challenged Ms. Gold that maybe people would take her political positions more seriously if she performed basic due diligence on her tweets, but she was adamant. “Seriously? Did Hen put you up to this?The only thing to check is your Privilege!”
As Ariel left for her protest, we extended our sincere appreciation for her tireless work against the malicious stereotype that all Jews are clever.
Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: Law enforcement moved swiftly in the early morning hours, safeguarding a local rabbit from credible threats. “Shani” is a white angora, and the pet of noted Israel Advocate/Indigenous Rights Activist/Shirtless Selfie afficionado Hen Mazzig. So when noted Code Pink Activist/BDS fan/that one really annoying girl in your NFTY Youth Group Ariel Gold escalated her one-way Twitter feud with Hen, police whisked Shani off to an undisclosed location. The Daily Freier spoke with a visibly frightened Hen at a local cafe.
“This all happened so quickly.” Hen said as he nervously picked at his shakshuka. “One moment Shani and I were just chilling on the balcony people-watching, and then all of a sudden the cops show up and say she has only 2 minutes to pack a bag…. she didn’t even have a chance to finish her carrots and celery smoothie.”
The Daily Freier asked Hen what specifically caused the latest crisis. “At first, it was all sort of innocent. You know, Ariel body-shaming me and teaching me important lessons about my Mizrahi heritage. Then shit just got weird. Stuff about my secret payments from the Israeli Government. Honestly, for a moment I thought I was reading the Forward.” Hen looked nervously around the cafe and continued. “Finally, she tweeted something at me about Ilhan Omar and AIPAC. I couldn’t really understand what she was saying, girlfriend could use a spellcheck once in a while…. but the bottom line is she is not going to be ignored.”
Finally, the Daily Freier was able to Skype with Shani from her undisclosed location. “Things are OK in the Safe House. Apparently I’m not the first animal that stayed here.” The Daily Freier asked Shani if she has any regrets. “The real tragedy is that I absolutely LOVE Glenn Close movies….. I hope this doesn’t ruin them for me.”
As the Daily Freier was about to end the interview, a visibly relieved Shani noted that Ariel had moved on to yelling back and forth with Morton Klein.
Las Vegas: There’s some hot new action here in Sin City, and the High Rollers are starting to notice. College Football? Nope. Keno? Nope. Nope. Blackjack? Still Nope. The name of the game this year is picking the date that Peter Beinart goes Full BDS, and everyone wants a piece of the action. You see, Mr. Beinart used to (sorta) be the Conscience of Liberal Zionism. But maybe he switched to a different High School or something, because he’s started to run with the wrong crowd ….and don’t think we haven’t noticed. Anyhoo, as Peter keeps driving down Sanctimony Highway (past the old Tikkun Olam Rest Area) toward BDS City, the bookies have started to notice. And now they’re laying down odds. The Daily Freier put on our best suit, and headed out to the Desert to get a piece of the action.
The Daily Freier met up with “Fat Sal”, who greeted us at his office behind a dilapidated motel a few blocks off the Strip. We asked Mr. Fat Sal if he truly felt that Mr. Beinart was flirting with BDS. Sal took a drag from his cigar and replied. “Has Peter been flirting with BDS lately? Oh he’s been flirting. Lotsa flirting. With BDS. You catch my drift?”
We then asked Mr. Sal just how they put down odds on such a unique form of gambling as Peter Beinart’s very public slow-motion Total Eclipse of the Woke Heart, and Sal explained. “There’s a science to handicapping this. How many times this week did he mention his one-way feud with Bibi? How many times has Code Pink praised his articles on Twitter today? How many times has…” [Sal paused and yelled into the other room] “Hey Jimmy! What’s the over/under on Peter’s ‘As a Jew’ count today?”
Sal continued. “At the end of the day I’m just another conservative businessman. Nothing fancy. I don’t get excited easily. I don’t see anything happening with Peter until after the High Holidays. I mean it’s not like he tweeted an article from Counterpunch…..wait, never mind. ….So what do you think about the horses this year? You got any tips?”
Sal then walked away to take a phone call, and the Daily Freier dutifully eavesdropped. “OK talk to me. Two to One by Labor Day? No friggin way. We’ve already got our odds, and those are the odds, OK? Nothin’ is going to make me change them, got it? Not even if he…. wait you said he just co-hosted a talk via Skype with Omar Barghouti the head of the BDS Movement? ….. OK listen to me. Stop taking any action until we figure this out. OK? I’m out.”
Washington: With the completion of many a successful Passover Seder this year, the streets are buzzing with rave reviews for J-Street’s Haggadah. The Daily Freier wandered around Washington’s Food Co-Ops and Non-Profits until it got enough quotes to finish the article and go home to nap.
Saying that he “liked that there was a message“, Dylan Murray-Levinson-Smith, an intern at the New Israel Fund, extolled the new Haggadah’s educational aspect. “It’s been a long time since Hebrew School at the JCC, so it’s no surprise that I forgot that one of the plagues was named ‘Bibi.‘ Good times.”
Even though local dude “Max” knows “a lot” about Judaism, he too learned something new at his Second Night Seder. “The part where Moses gathers the Israelites and tells them that any entry into the Promised Land will first require “Justice for Jericho” and a “Right of Return for the Canaanites” just really moved me.”
While J-Street is proud of its Haggadah, it promises improvements for next year (not in Jerusalem!) to include addressing the “Root Causes” of Pharaoh’s grievances with the Israelites.
Tel Aviv, Namal: Multiple Pro-Israel bloggers have begun publicizing the fact that Anti-Israel activists such as Max Blumenthal, Code Pink, and Students for Justice in Palestine are using the Israeli Platform Wix for their websites. And Wix is getting a bit annoyed…. at the Pro-Israel Activists! Wix Spokesperson Noam D. addressed the media at a Press Conference today at their Namal Port location.
” So yeah. Jewsnews? Israellycool? Daily Freier? You just publicly mocked clients of ours. Paying. Clients. I know this seems weird to some of you bloggers, but some of us on the Internet actually, like, make money and stuff.”
Noam was asked if she had a message for the Internet’s Israel Advocacy community. “Do I have a message for the Hasbarah Jamboree? Yeah sure I do……Hey guys, STFU!”
When asked for her personal opinion on the BDS organizations using the Wix platform, Noam replied, “Whatever. It’s not like we’re selling FOREX.”
(Photo Credit: Our Legal Department says this does not resemble anything at all)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/12/2015 at 11:20 AM
Washington: The Jewish Community is abuzz over the launch of a new dating site for Jews who are uncomfortable with Israel, dislike most Israelis, can’t stand the Congregation they grew up in, hate Birthright, don’t get along with anyone in their Hillel……OK OK…. it’s a dating site for Jews who don’t really like most other Jews they meet. The site, titled “J-Date Street” was launched with grants from Billionaire George Soros, the Center for American Progress, and the New Israel Fund. And certain segments of the Jewish community are VERY excited.
“OMG This is amazing!” noted Amanda K., a content writer at Jewish Voices for Peace. “I met this guy through the site who seems really nice. His avatar on the site is ‘Blumen to the Maxx’. He says he’s from a prominent Washington family too! We have a date tomorrow night in Georgetown! The only weird thing is he told me to bring a kaffiyyeh, Shabbat candles, and a jar of hummus….. ‘for later on that night’. I don’t know….is that normal?”
Despite this enthusiasm, the site is running into some problems reaching its target audiences. The Daily Freier talked to a spokesperson at Code Pink by telephone, who refused to provide a name, as this would be “an exercise in gender-identity exclusionary hegemony, reminiscent of the Zionist tactics of denying historical memory“. As the Daily Freier tried to wrap its head around that last sentence, the Spokesperson acknowledged that it would actually be nice to “meet someone new” as the writers over at Mondoweiss “just spend all day sipping cocoa in their pajamas”
Yesterday the site expanded to Israel, causing the Blog +972 to miss several publication deadlines as their editorial staff and writers ceased all work related activity for the day and crashed their server when everyone uploaded their dating profiles at once.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.