Screenshotting My Old Tweets is Racist, by Linda Sarsour

Linda Sarsour Israellycool Ayaan Hirsi Ali Daily FreierSo can we get one thing straight? Screenshotting my old tweets is basically a hate crime. Worse than the NYPD. Worse than Netanyahu. I mean, it’s even worse than the NFL not giving Colin Kapaernik a job. Yes. It’s THAT BAD. Because when you screenshot a tweet like this one….

 

…. Well you are simply taking away my voice as a Woman of Color and a Muslim in Donald Trump’s Amerika. And why are you even screenshotting my old tweets anyway? Is it because I speak Truth to Power? Like the time I told the CIA to “Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself”?

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Check it out!)

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Dystopian Novel depicts a nightmare future Israel run by Anglo Olim

Dystopia Anglo OlimBy Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/12/2017 at 6:20 PM

Ra’anananadingdong: Israelis were frightened to their very core this week with the release of a chilling dystopian novel depicting life in a future Israel that is run by Anglo Olim. The novel, entitled “Lo Hevanti” (second choice: “Avshar Mayim?“), tells the story of an Israel in the year 2021 that is completely run by recent immigrants from the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, South Africa, and Australia. The story takes place two years after all the other Israelis got so tired of listening to Anglos tell them how much better we would run things if we were in charge…..so they all just threw up their hands and told us to have at it. And the whole balagan turns into “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy. Except with better lunch options. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier sat in on a Literary Salon in Neve Tzedek as they reviewed “Lo Hevanti” and discussed how scared they were after reading it.

The Salon’s hostess started off the conversation. “So the Anglos rule that any argument on Secret Tel Aviv that lasts longer than 10 threads must then go to the Knesset for resolution…… and then the Knesset passes a law outlawing anyone from buying or selling dogs…..it just seemed so….so…. real.  Also, when they got Nefesh B’ Nefesh to amend the Basic Law so it now said that ‘Everything must be convenient.’….I couldn’t sleep that night.”

Local artist Tzvi then interjected with his scariest moment in the book. “When the entire economy breaks down after Lone Soldiers start going door to door asking for free shit to furnish their apartments….. I actually stopped answering my door for 3 days.

“I really liked ‘Dudi’, the Sabra hero of the book.” explained Ido. “Like when he hacks into “Keep Olim in Israel”…… in order to try to keep Olim from staying in Israel.

Finally, Florentin poet Meirav spoke up. “Hey! No spoilers! I’ve only read up to the point where the Prime Minister orders MK Tuttle-Singer to stop blogging while a motion is up for debate on the Knesset Floor.”

 

 

Universe implodes after Olim complain about post by Oleh on Keep Olim in Israel complaining about complainers

Keep Olim Universe implodes complaints complainingBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/7/2017 at 9:30 PM

The Andromeda Galaxy: Time and Space no longer exist as a concept that we can understand, and it’s all because of Facebook! Today on “Keep Olim in Israel“, a Facebook community dedicated to helping recent immigrants to Israel, there was a post. By an Oleh. Complaining. About complaining Olim. And then people complained about it. Well this was all a bit much for the old Universe, which has lately been straining to keep up with Keep Olim, and at around 7:30 PM local time this evening, the Universe simply imploded, ending existence as we know it.

Reaction to the implosion could be felt across the Israeli Olim Community. Dozens of people posted on Secret Tel Aviv, with the top posts being:

1) “Hey did anyone just hear something?”

2) “When the Universe implodes, is there supposed to be a siren?”

3) “When do the buses start running again?”

4) “Hi my friend is 35 years old, really cute, and single. He is looking for a nice girl to enjoy the implosion of the Universe with. No smokers.”

5) “Can anyone tell me the best breakfast places in Tel Aviv?”

Despite the confusion with the implosion of time and space, there was an up-side as well. Theological questions that were long wondered about finally have an answer. While Jews don’t really believe in Hell, we now know that those who did bad things must spend an eternity sitting on the beach in the middle of an endless matkot tournament. Yet other things make no sense. Somehow despite the end of time and space as we know it, multiple Aliyah blogs continue to exist and somehow continue to generate new content, mostly about how the “big jerk at the Post Office keeps using the time/space continuum as an excuse for why my package from Ali Baba hasn’t arrived yet.

Also, as the Daily Freier hurtled through the endless void toward Gan Eden, we could have sworn we saw an old bearded guy holding the Book of Mormon.

Cutting Costs, The Forward Now Just Links Straight to Linda Sarsour’s Twitter Feed

The Forward Linda Sarsour Twitter FeedWith the ongoing slow death of a ridonkulous business model consolidation of online Jewish media, the venerable news site The Forward has hit upon a brilliant way to cut costs while still maintaining core brand identity: their web page now sends you directly to Linda Sarsour’s Twitter feed. Ms. Sarsour, noted feminist and Sharia advocate, has featured so prominently in the Forward as of late that it just made sense to cut out the middleman and bring Linda’s woke tweets directly to the Forward’s woke audience. The Daily Freier took a stroll around Park Slope, Brooklyn in order to get all of the facts from The Forward’s key demographic: Lefty Jews in a constant state of Checking their Privilege.

(The Freier is posted on Israellycool today. Check it out!)

Times of Israel hacked! Jerusalem Post’s confusing outdated website thwarts hackers

Times of Israel Hacked Daily FreierBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/3/2017 at 9:30 AM

Jerusalem: Israel’s Anglo community was rocked to its core yesterday after a team of Turkish Islamist hackers took down their website for much of the afternoon and evening, forcing its loyal readers to stop trolling each other in the comments section until well past 9 PM. Times of Israel spokesperson Danny C. explained.

This Denial of Service attack really hit us unaware. I mean, how did they hack us?? Also….. I’m going to have to talk to the IT guys about changing the password to something stronger than “BibiSux.

Without the outlet provided by the Times of Israel’s comments section, the nation’s Anglo Community were found wandering the streets of Beit Shemesh and other towns muttering to themselves and chiming in on the conversations of perfect strangers with their opinions. In addition, the nation’s literary guild held an emergency meeting after the hack left them unable to access the works of this incredibly talented guy who occasionally blogs for the Times. Finally, ardent fans of the Times writer Sarah Tuttle-Singer were forced to utilize an experimental content generator in order to get their fix of Sarah’s daily musings on deep-thinking cab drivers, Shuk anecdotes, the great hummus places of Ramle, Laphroaig, and some very very bad words about our current Prime Minister.

Yet with today’s tragedy also come tales of heroism. The Jerusalem Post’s Web Designers and IT Department are being hailed as modern-day Maccabees after their clunky and confusing web interface frustrated the hacker’s attempts to take down J-Post. The Daily Freier was able to speak via Skype to a hacker going by the name “Cenk”.

We really wanted to take down all of the news sites of you Zionist dogs, no offense.” explained Cenk. “The Times, Jerusalem Post, Haaretz….. actually Haaretz can stay. Anyways, once we were inside of J-Post’s site, we could do nothing. I mean, none of our guys are familiar with Windows 95 or WordPerfect. We just feel like total failures right now.”

When the Daily Freier asked Cenk why we weren’t hacked, he told us that while we were also  “idiot Zionists“, our web traffic numbers “just couldn’t justify the time and effort.

 

“I’m OK!” Roger Waters reassures his fans after Gaza Tunnel collapse

Roger Waters Gaza Tunnel CollapseBy the Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 10/31/2017 at 6:20 PM

Khan Yunis: Fans of (Rula Jebreal’s ex-boyfriend/the creepy weirdo stalking Bar Refaeli/that guy who used to play with Syd Barrett) famed singer-songwriter Roger Waters breathed a sigh of relief today after he released a tweet confirming that he is safe and sound following yesterday’s tragic tunnel collapse in Gaza. While the IDF’s destruction of the attack tunnel facilitated a speed-dating-event-with-72-virgins for several unfortunate terrorists, Mr. Waters wanted to let all of his fans know that he was OK, and “hadn’t been in that tunnel for weeks“. Mr. Waters, who has previously utilized the tunnels for their unique acoustics, spoke out forcefully in order to clear the air.

(TODAY’S ARTICLE IS POSTED ON TIMES OF ISRAEL TODAY. GO CHECK IT OUT!)

“But if my parents make Aliyah, who will shlep my shopping to Israel?” American Olah sues Nefesh B’ Nefesh

Living the Dream Aliyah Nefesh B' NefeshDISCLAIMER: This article has been submitted by a guest writer and by no means represents the editorial opinion of the Daily Freier. ‘Cuz we mamash love Nefesh B’ Nefesh. Live the Dream!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/29/2017 at 3:30 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph: An American Olah-Sorta-Hadasha has served Nefesh B ‘Nefesh with a restraining order, stipulating that the esteemed Aliyah agency stay no less than 500 meters from her parents and “not to try to reach them on Pinterest.” Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph resident Sherrie M. has laid down the law with Nefesh B’Nefesh on behalf of her elderly parents. Nefesh B’ Nefesh is now barred from any contact or communication with Sherry’s parents for a period of 10 years. Speaking from her home, Sherrie explained how distressed she was upon learning that a Nefesh representative had spoken at their family Shul and was passing out brochures.

The fliers said ‘Live the Dream‘. But how do they know what my parents’ dream is? Maybe their dream is to stay in New Jersey and come visit me every four months with three extra suitcases of my online purchases. Did they every think of that? Huh???

They’re selfish! They’re only thinking about themselves and their agenda… shame on them for taking advantage of vulnerable older people like that!” Sherrie fumed while browsing Amazon for pumpkin spice k-cups. “You think two cases is enough? Or should I get three? What about Ziplocs?

Despite all the current drama, Sherrie assured the Daily Freier that she was reasonable and open to compromise. “I would be happy if they spoke with Nefesh once the restraining order is up. Besides, in 10 years Shloimie my oldest boy should be going off to YU. So you know, I will just have Target ship everything to his dorm and he can bring it to me during Spring Break, Summer Break, the Chagim, and Chanukah.

Using their online package tracer, the Daily Freier was able to follow an Amazon delivery truck to the Teaneck, New Jersey home of Murray and Rhonda, Sherrie’s parents. “Our daughter is a true Zionist pioneer and we are so proud of her. Things are difficult over there. Even Target is afraid to ship to them! So if we can help her by bringing a few things, it’s the least we can do.” explained Rhonda. “Imagine if she had to go to the mall. I mean, those are dangerous places! Our ladies tehillim group has been davening for that poor boy lost in Dizengoff center since 2015. Wait…. did he ever make his way out?