The Daily Freier invites Lara Al-Qassem for brunch & Shopping in Dizengoff Center

Wuddup Girlfriend!

As the foremost source for great news here in the Zionist Entity, we at the Daily Freier want to offer you a heartfelt welcome! We know that you’ve had a rough couple of days, but we hope you’re settling in nicely up at Hebrew University!

Anyhoo, let’s meet up! Friday morning 11:00 at Dizengoff Center, Tel Aviv’s most A-MA-ZING spot for brunch and shopping! So you know how when it comes to when you stopped doing BDS, you sorta told the court one thing but the truth is really something else? Well Dizengoff Center is a lot like that. The signs say one thing, but you just sort of have to figure things out. But it’s totally worth it.

So let’s meet on the 3rd Floor. No not the 3rd Floor above Holmes Gym. The other side. Follow the bathroom sign until you get to where they removed the bathroom. Then pass the talking information kiosk that has its circuit board ripped out (really!)

Hey, do you want to download their Navigation App? Wait, it looks like you can only download the Hebrew version and you need the English. Well to be honest it probably is 6 of one half-dozen of the other anyway.

Anyways, go past the sketchy tattoo shop. Then go up the escalator that goes to the playground with the elephant butt slide. If you see us there, say hi!

Hugs,

The Daily Freier

 

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“Better than a Saudi Consulate!” Misrad HaPnim unveils new slogan

By Mark Levy and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/19/2018 at 6:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Derech Menachem Begin: Today the Start-Up Nation’s Ministry of the Interior revealed its new slogan: “Better than a Saudi Consulate!“, reminding its customers that despite long lines, unannounced closures, and indifferent service…… your chances of getting taken out by a Saudi hit squad are extremely low. The Daily Freier attended a press conference at their Tel Aviv office after receiving a press invite via fax.

We are very proud of our customer service standards.” explained Ministry of the Interior spokesperson Nava K. “After negotiations between our Union and the Government broke down last week, we staged an unannounced work slowdown…. But Hey! All of our customers survived! Only in Israel!

The Daily Freier asked Nava if, much like Israeli carrier El Al, the Ministry was perhaps suffering from low expectations. But she was insistent. “If Mr. Khashoggi had come to our office instead of the Istanbul Consulate, he would still be alive! Of course, he might not have  gotten service yet because our computer skipped the number he had taken from the kiosk…. but one should not be too picky. Welcome to Israel!

As the Press Conference came to an end, Nava announced that the Interior Ministry has begun an Efficiency Campaign for speedier customer service….. led by experts from Israel’s High Speed Rail network.

 

 

High-Speed Train reaches Jerusalem just minutes after High-Speed Sherut

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 10/19/2018 at 6:00 PM

Jerusalem Navon Station: There were cheers and celebrations today in Start-Up Nation after a High Speed Train came, like, “this close” to making the Tel Aviv-Jerusalem run quicker than a “very fast” sherut. You see, the High Speed rail is something that Israel is quite proud of. Even though it took 18 years to build just 50 kilometers of line. And you have to switch trains at the Airport. And the first leg is on a normal train. And you are supposed to make reservations on line. But they don’t check. And the train drops you in the Jerusalem railroad station approximately 3 Gazillion meters underground. And the escalator ride to the top lasts longer than some Tel Aviv relationships. But anyhoo, today the ride was extra fast. So fast in fact that there were moments when it appeared that the train might overtake the Sherut (a shared minibus taxi) that had left Tel Aviv’s Central Bus Station at the same time that the train had left Tel Aviv’s Savidor Station. The Daily Freier went up to Jerusalem to get all the facts.

We are quite proud of our High Speed rail’s performance today.” explained Israel Rail spokesperson Sarit K. “Our riders got here almost as quickly as people who rode in a van from the 1980’s.” Sarit continued. “In addition, we feel it isn’t very fair to make the comparison. I mean, we were up against Moti, one of their more aggressive Sherut drivers.” Sarit dropped her voice to a whisper. “I heard that he didn’t even stop at all of the red lights either.

The Daily Freier asked Sarit if maybe High Speed Rail would aim for a higher metric than beating a minibus. “Today we almost beat a Sherut. Who knows, maybe in 2019 we will almost beat the Number 480 Bus.”

UPDATE: In an effort to make their High Speed Rail even more competitive with traditional forms of mass transit, Israel Rail announced that all trains will now play tinny high-pitched Israeli music from the 1970’s out of busted out speakers, display a weathered photo of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef on the dashboard, and have an old compact disc hanging from the conductor’s rear view mirror.

Ahed Tamimi Wakes Up From Nightmare Where She Was in an Arab Jail

Judea & Samaria– Everyone’s favorite soldier-slapping Woke Poster Girl has a lot on her mind lately. You see, Ahed Tamimi has had a recurring series of very disturbing dreams this week. Instead of doing time for slapping an Israeli soldier, Ahed dreams that she slapped a soldier of an Arab nation…..and the Arab nation reacts by…..well, let’s just say she doesn’t get a free Mercedes in any of these dreams. The Daily Freier skyped with Ahed and she spilled some serious tea.

So yeah, I keep having these really creepy dreams.” explained Ahed as she absent-mindedly texted with Al Jazeera. “I slap a soldier that I think is Israeli, but when he turns around, I realize that he’s a soldier from a Brotherly Arab Nation in Eternal Solidarity with the Palestinian People. And yeah, he kicks the shit out of me and sends me to prison.

(The Freier is on Israellycool today. Go check us out!)

Jeremy Corbyn reviews the new Eichmann Movie

(photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today we look at the newly released film “Operation Finale“, the sad tale of a rogue nation taking so-called justice into its own hands. This movie recounts the story of Israel’s illegal and extra-judicial kidnapping of Adolph Eichmann from Argentina, a lovely country that is also home to the Malvina Islands. Apparently, Mr. Eichmann had some sort of role in the Holocaust. Now let me say clearly that the Holocaust was a tragedy (although truth be told some of my friends in Hamas whom I have hosted for tea would agree to disagree. Also, they would have put quote marks around the word “Holocaust.”) Yet Israel’s all-too-familiar use of force was to compound a tragedy with a tragedy, much like America’s illegal execution of one Mr. Bin Laden (Real World Non-Satire Alert: He Really Really said this about the death of Bin-Laden). Truly, if Mr. Eichmann were in fact guilty of a crime, why not simply notify the nearest Argentinian constabulary?

The movie depicts the commendable efforts Mr. Eichmann had made to open himself up to other cultures, to include learning the local language, and adopting the lovely Spanish name of “Ricardo Klement.” And in a singular act of proletarian solidarity, he took the bus to work every day. Yet Mr. Eichmann’s earnest attempts at multiculturalism failed to impress the Mossad, which took upon itself the task of kidnapping him and trundling him off to “Israel” for trial. And if being kidnapped by the Mossad wasn’t unpleasant enough already, Eichmann then had to fly on EL AL..

Israel then tried and executed Eichmann, another sad tally on its list of victims. Just to add insult to injury, Israel then spread his ashes in the sea, precluding any future graveside memorials, like the wreath that I specifically did NOT lay at the grave of Black September activists.

Now you may scoff at my review. You may even accuse me of willful ignorance. Yet remember this: it’s still not as dumb as what Hannah Arendt wrote about the Eichmann trial.

Michael Chabon revisits the story of Abraham

[SCENE: Midnight in a dark storage room, Ur of the Chaldeans, 1800 B.C.E. A young man smashes idols on the ground. Suddenly, a stranger appears.]

Stranger: Hey bro, what are you doing?

Young man: I am Abram, son of Terah. And these idols are a Chillul HaShem. They must be destroyed.

Stranger: Your cultural insensitivity toward this indigenous folk art is most depressing. By destroying these idols, you are actually building Ghetto Walls of Jewish Exclusivity. I suppose you also want to marry a Jewish woman, and build your very own endogamous ghetto for two (Not-Satire Alert: He Really Really Said this about marrying a Jew.)

Abram: How do these idiots keep finding me?

(The Freier is posted on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Amazon!” Free Shipping to Israel cancelled

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 9/14/2018 at 1:00 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh: Israelis are performing their annual ritual of forgiving those who have transgressed against them. Yet there are some things they just can’t forgive. Roger Waters? Sheikh Nasrallah? That Idiot from Code Pink? No, No, No. We’re talking something much more serious: the Customer Service Behemoth known as Amazon, which gave Israelis free shipping for a few days and then took it away from them.  The Daily Freier spoke to one of Amazon’s victims to hear her story of betrayal and loss.

It’s been a difficult year.” explained Rivky G, an immigrant from New Jersey. “I’ve had PTSD (Post-Target Stress Disorder), you know, from Target’s Chillul HaShem last year.” Rivky, like so many of her Ramat Beit Shemesh neighbors, had her Target orders cancelled a year ago. “It wasn’t just that I didn’t get my Pumpkin Spice k-cups, it’s the principle of the matter! They make promises and then the deal just disappears! Who do they think they are? Golan Telecom?

I could never forgive them.” Rivky complained. “It was Erev Yom Kippur and I had forgiven my crooked landlord, my roommate who chipped my iPad screen and even that rotten boyfriend who cheated on me with some frecha from work. But this was too much! And seriously, they should have begged for mechila properly.” Rivky was crestfallen and resolved never to trust anyone ever again.

The Daily Freier then reached out to Rivky’s native Israeli coworker Anat for further perspective on this ongoing tragedy. “It was cool to see her all cynical and jaded.” she chuckled. “All of a sudden, Rivky began to suspect that everyone was out to cheat her and lie to her. She would yell at everyone…. ‘I think you’re lying! I’m not a freier!’…. she said it so convincingly, you know, like a real Israeli. I was so proud of her.” It seemed that, sof sof, Rivky had learned the secret to being Israeli.

But then it happened… Amazon. “I heard about this free shipping promotion and I couldn’t risk missing out, so I made an order… just one.” Rivky said. “OK, maybe more than one, but not like a lot of orders which would cripple the Israeli postal system or anything.” And then the inevitable happened. Amazon, like Target, had miscalculated Israelis’ appetite for American products and stopped its shipping promotion. “I can’t believe I fell for it.” Rivky cried. “Now I need my parents to visit me so they can bring everything I ordered online for Chanukah…. Oh and also Ziplocs. Next time I hear of another American company offering free shipping, I won’t trust them… never ever!… not a chance!… ummm… I mean, unless it’s like something really good?”