Jerusalem, Judaism, Our "Cousins"

Top Ten Mistakes Made By Palestinian Burglar Disguised as Haredi Guy

So they arrested a Palestinian for stealing computer equipment from a shop in Jerusalem’s Ma’alot Dafna neighborhood. But get this, he was disguised as a Haredi man, which is kinda CULTURAL APPROPRIATION, isn’t it? Anyhoo, according to News Reports, the man was “behaving suspiciously” before he was busted with stolen license plates, burglary tools, and the purloined merchandise. But the Daily Freier wanted to know more about how our “Cousin” messed up his disguise. In order to get to the bottom of this mystery, we dispatched our Almost-Back-on-the-Derech Reporter Yekutiel Bornstein and our Greater Jerusalem/Shomron Bureau Chief Chava Ewa to the scene of the crime. So behold: “Top Ten Mistakes That Busted The Palestinian Burglar Disguised as Haredi Guy”:

1. Never asked the Cops if they do Daf Yomi with Eli Stefansky.

2. He refused a cup of water during Interrogation “because plastic cups are bad for the environment“.

3. Was found with a bottle of “fancy” Coca Cola and not RC Cola.

4. Managed to get through a sentence without saying “Baruch HaShem” three times.

5. His shirt was ironed.

6. He wasn’t carrying a plastic bag.

7. His phone was manufactured after 2002.

8. A search of his pockets did not reveal 4 borekas from a Simcha wrapped in a napkin.

9. He wasn’t looking at the ground as he walked.

10. His pants weren’t hemmed 3 inches above his ankle.

11. He said he was going to work.

Iran War 2026, Top 10

Top 10 Signs That Your New Ayatollah Might Be Gay

1. The Straits are closed but he still has more oil than Diddy.

2. He works out at Holmes Gym in Dizengoff Center.

3. Still Looking for an Iftar with Bottomless Mimosas.

4. His Safe House has track lighting and tasteful but subdued carpeting.

5. Selling his tickets to Lady Gaga because “something came up“.

6. Grindr profile says he’s “On the DL” and “does not travel“.

7. The TikTok of him singing “Islands in the Stream” with Yahya Sinwar.

8. Blew his cover at the Bazaar today because he wanted to “make an Entrance”. 

9. Always on fishing trips with Mohammed El-Kurd but they never bring back any fish.*

10. Skipped last year’s Al Quds Conference because he was “in my Annie Lennox Phase“.

* This is clearly a Brokeback Mountain Reference.

 Special Thanks to Tireless Citizen Journalists Ari Calvo and Lee Saunders!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mossad, Operation Epic Fury, Top 10

Top Ten Signs That Israel Is About To Blow Up Your Staff Meeting

1. There’s a red dot on the wall but nobody has a laser pointer.

2. Why did the tea lady just call you “Mami”?

3. Your new IT guy insisted on working from home today.

4. The security guard is snacking on Hamantaschen.

5. Conference room is reserved for “Soleimani Reunion 2026”.

6. You open Bluetooth and see “Dudu’s burner phone”.

7. The felafel guy gave you a free Apple Air Tag with your order.

8. Bird on the windowsill is tweeting Hatikvah.

9. You sneeze and a man in the heating ducts says “LeBriyut!”.

10. Photographer for the group picture wants you to stand on some red and white concentric circles.

Operation Epic Fury, Top 10

Top Ten Other Times That The Iranian News Anchor Cried On Live TV

1. Zayn quit One Direction
2. NBC didn’t renew Freaks & Geeks
3. Candace Owens tried to pronounce “anecdote”
4. Barbra Streisand announced her Goodbye Tour
5. “That” scene in The Crying Game
6. Last year’s Finale of The Bachelor
7. Kim told Khloe that Tristan cheated on her
8. Bruce Willis died at the end of Armageddon
9. Bennifer broke up for the second time
10. Trump called Rosie O’Donnel fat

Shameless Self Promotion

Canadian Writer Suspended from Daily Freier over Curling Scandal
 
 
Israellycool

Qatar’s Emir Takes Brief Break From Using Tucker Carlson as Hand Puppet

Doha: In a move described by Gulf Insiders as World-Class Gamesmanship and 3-D Chess, Qatar’s Emir Tamim bin Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani pulled his hand out of Tucker Carlson‘s butt for 5 minutes this morning. “This sort of work is exhausting.” explained a Palace Insider on condition of anonymity.  “Think of this as a ‘Self Care’ regimen for Royalty….everybody needs a break sometimes.”

Qatar’s relationship with Tucker Carlson has been described by some critics as “more puppetry than that Being John Malkovich movie.” Yet Mr. Carlson has taken this criticism in stride.  In fact, he generously joined the Daily Freier for a video chat from his Doha hotel room. “Some people say that I’m an Opportunist. But Fox News fired me in 2023, and my fishing lodge is not going to pay for itself.” Tucker Carlson paused for a moment and stared into the distance. “Strangely enough, that’s about the time I decided I don’t like Israel anymore. Crazy, huh?”

(We published this story on Israellycool today. Go check out the entire story here!)

 

"The Squad", Hamas

IDF Finds Hamas Tunnel Under Ilhan Omar’s Gaza Daycare Center
“Some People Leared Something”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2 January 2026 at 2:35 PM

Rafah: Combat Engineers working in concert with elements of the Golani Brigade announced the discovery of a Hamas Tunnel under the City’s “Quality Learing Center“. The Daycare Center is part of a franchise operated by Representative Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Mogadishu) that receives funding from the State of Minnesota and has been open since 2021. The Daily Freier reported from today’s IDF Conference about the discovery.

“Our troops were forced to move slowly, as we overestimated the number of Hamas terrorists in the tunnels.”  explained IDF Spokesman Captain Ron C. “You see, our Intelligence Unit counted both Ilhan Omar’s ‘husbands’ and ‘brothers’ without understanding that there’s a bit of overlap. But the lack of any actual kids in the Daycare Center made the operation easier.”

Representative Omar reacted swiftly to the accusations, writing on Twitter “Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” (Haha! Just kidding! But not really!)

For his part, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz blamed the political fallout over the tunnels on “White Supremacy.” (Haha, just kidding again! But not really!)

Music fans were relieved to learn that famed musician/activist/dick Roger Waters emerged unhurt from the tunnel.

 

BDS, Top 10

Cameron Kasky’s Top Ten Excuses for Visiting Israel

So Jerry Nadler is retiring from Congress and Hashem has a sense of humor. Because an even more annoying Jew-ish person is running for his vacant seat. Cameron Kasky’s brand is basically being a less-accomplished version of Mamdani, only kinda Jewish. And he HATES Israel. So imagine our surprise when journalist Eliana Goldin cold busted him at Ben Gurion Airport wearing a Covid mask and trying to be incognito! Then, in a fit of bravery, he accused Eliana of being a “narc“! Does he think that she’s his mean Freshman Dorm RA or something? But we here at the Daily Freier just KNOW that Cam had to have a good reason to run the BDS gauntlet and visit Altneuland. Because if he didn’t, that would make him kind of a hypocrite. So behold: Cameron Kasky’s Top Ten Excuses for Visiting Israel!


1. My HMO assigned me to Doctor Shakshuka.             

2. Jewish Voice for Peace told me that Sukkot is this week.       

3. Muhammad El-Kurd said there’s a really chill hookah bar in Ramallah where he “keeps it on the DL”.

4. Wanted a free trip with Taglit but they banned me after “the hummus incident” in Williamsburg.

5. Zohran asked me to “take lots of pictures” of Army bases, bus terminals, and ports.

6. Really wanted to see the Bernie Sanders statue on Frishman Beach.

7. Ilhan wants to open a Daycare Center in Jenin and asked me to look at some Real Estate.

8. Needed some talking points for Tucker’s show next week.

9. Rashida dared me to tape $50,000 in non-sequential bills to my body and deliver it to her Uncle in Nablus.

10. Honestly, I thought I would get away with it.

Start Up Nation

The Freier Guide to Home Renovation

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 27 December 2025 at 6:00 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh: “The Chagim are long over. Why do my downstairs neighbors still have their Sukkah up?” wondered Leah C. “It’s not just them, the folks in the other building made this big elaborate Sukkah and they still haven’t taken it down either. The other night, I walked by and it sounded like they were having a party in there.” Leah stared into the distance for a minute and then continued. “That’s strange, right?“

Here at the Daily Freier we love a good mystery, so we started an investigation into this sudden spate of Sukkahs that seemingly stayed up long past the season of the Chagim. After we reassured Leah’s neighbor that we were not sent by the Arnona department (or Maas HaChnasa!) she finally spilled the tea: “This apartment was half this size when we moved in.” she noted. “But every year, we built another extension… one here in front and one there in the back. But as far as the Moatza knows, that’s a Sukkah, that’s a Sukkah and the extra level we added on the roof is a Sukkah too. We just left some old palm branches on the roof and hung up a few plastic pomegranates.”

According to Leah, there is a neighborhood legend about a family who ran a Yeshiva dormitory in their backyard during the Corona lockdown. “They made a Sukkah covered with old plywood and some bamboo pieces.” she explained. “It looked very neglected and run-down, which is actually quite a lot for this neighborhood!“

“But why didn’t the noise from all those yeshiva boys attract attention?” we inquired.

“She has a bunch of kids.” Leah replied. “There were noise complaints from the neighbors who thought she was running an illegal Gan, but nobody heard the yeshiva boys through the noise from 9 kids and the CD player blasting Uncle Moishy.“

 

Haaretz

Caught! Hitler Found Hiding in the Haaretz Online Comments Section
“Drag their ass, Kween!”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 18 December 2025 at 3:15 PM

Tel Aviv: At long last, the world’s most infamous war criminal is behind bars. Adolf Hitler was caught early this morning hiding in plain sight: within the comments section of the Haaretz Online English Edition. Nobody knows just how long the Austrian Corporal was hiding there as his behavior did not arouse any suspicion and he was able to easily blend in with his environment. You see, the Haaretz Comments Section is quite the Rogue’s Gallery: a mix of bad faith Eurotrash who “only have a problem with Zionists”, Arabs saying the foulest crap while reminding you that they are Semites and thus incapable of Anti-Semitism, and a guy with a profile picture of Reinhard Heydrich who “has some questions” about the Holocaust.  The whole thing is made weirder by the fact that Haaretz Hebrew print edition is reliably Leftist but not completely insane (OK, ALMOST completely insane) and is read by as many as 700 people who all live within 3 blocks of Sheinkin Street in Tel Aviv. 

Hitler himself was rather relaxed about the whole affair. Looking much younger than his 136 years (which the Former Fuhrer credited to his vegetarian diet, daily walks, and some hot yoga), Adolf noted stated that he spent the last 8 years hiding next to a story about a Jewish family who died in a Jerusalem house fire that garnered 150 “laughing” emojis. Hitler was not shy about sharing his opinions about Haaretz online, noting that while its Middle East coverage was “fairly even-handed“, columnist Gideon Levy struck him as “a little crazy“. Hitler vowed to keep in touch with some of the people he met while hiding in the comments section, to include “ZyklonHeiler“, “StopZios1948” and “Candace Owens“.

When asked how he would spend his time in prison, Hitler stated that he was recently asked to be an informal campaign advisor by “a promising new leader in the State of Maine“.