Top Ten Worst Kerem House Events

So there’s an exciting new Events Venue in Central Tel Aviv, and it is Off. The. Hook….. Clothing Swaps, Yoga, Modern Dance and also some events for men! They’re doing Shabbat, they did this weirdly awesome night full of Israeli Midburn enthusiasts. They’re doing Country Night. The Daily Freier may even host a meet-up there in the near future. (Stay Tuned!) But for every successful event, there have been some that were…. not so good. So without further ado, here is our Top Ten List of Worst Kerem House Ideas!


 

1.  Fyre Festival Tel Aviv

 

2. “Come wash our dishes!”

 

3. “Is it still good?” A tasting buffet of stuff that’s been in our freezer since Shavuot

 

4. Win a chance to talk to the cops at our next noise complaint!

 

5. Come dressed as your favorite angry rant from Secret Tel Aviv

 

6. “50 randoms we found on Allenby” speed-dating night

 

7. After everyone gets drunk, we’re Skyping your parents

 

8. Come trade your cash for our new Crypto Currency!

 

9. “Misrad HaPnim” theme party

 

10. “Return our Deposit Bottles” Field Trip

 

 

 

 

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“Maybe if she votes Lieberman”: Litzman sets terms for Leifer extradition

“Or if she buys the wrong phone”
(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/5/2019 at 8:30 PM

Jerusalem: Israel’s Deputy Health Minister Yaakov Litzman this evening gave specific details of a scenario where he would approve the extradition of accused child molester Malka Leifer to Australia. “Maybe if she voted for Lieberman.”

Ms. Leifer, a former Principal at an Australian school for religious girls, was charged with 74 counts of sexual abuse back in 2008. So the school reacted as any school would react, by purchasing her a short notice airplane ticket to Israel! Since then Ms. Leifer has claimed to be mentally incapable of being extradited to Australia for trial. Yet thanks to some undercover sleuthing, we learned that her mental incapacity is the funky kind where she can still go shopping, talk on the phone, run errands around town, and basically do everything normal people do. Fascinating, huh?

Anyhoo, the case has progressed about as quickly as the queue at an Israeli Post Office on a Thursday afternoon. The court called state mental health experts to testify as to whether Ms. Leifer is mentally competent for extradition. Interestingly enough, some experts who said she was competent then changed their mind and ruled that Ms. Leifer is not competent to stand trial.

Yet, and we really need to stress this, absolutely NONE of this was due to illegal influence or intimidation from Deputy Health Minister Litzman. No way. That’s crazy! Just because he has the power to affect the careers of State Mental Health experts. Or because the police recommended his indictment on this issue for “fraud, breach of trust, and impeachment in testimony.” We’re still not convinced. Besides, Mr. Litzman spelled out multiple scenarios where he would support Leifer’s extradition.

If Malka votes for Lieberman, she can pack her bags.” Mr. Litzman informed the Daily Freier. “Or if she buys a phone with Internet Connectivity. Or, you know, if she breaks Shabbes.

The Daily Freier admonished Minister Litzman that this case and his behavior was turning a lot of average Israelis against him, but he dismissed the charge. “They should thank me! Think of how many new Hilonim that we created with this case!”

Only in Israel: an Amazon Store that sucks!

(Photo Credit: Globes Israel)

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/3/2019 at 10:30 AM

Bet Shemesh: The Anglo Israeli Community was paralyzed with fear today over rumors that Amazon Israel had been hacked… and turned into a website selling a poor selection of overpriced Israeli products. The eagerly anticipated launch of the online retail giant in Israel only fueled confusion and disappointment among Olim.

I put off my yerida for this!” explained Ramat Bet Shemesh resident Dassie S. “I stopped myself from publishing an angry rant on Keep Olim In Israel announcing my departure. I let my brother come and visit from America without bringing me a suitcase of Ziploc bags! They told us Amazon was opening up here, so I decided that I could tough it out. But when I opened my computer and typed in Amazon.co.il and just saw stam overpriced Israeli products, I was sure they had been hacked or something. Why does HaShem hate us?

The Daily Freier then went to Amazon Israel’s Headquarters in Haifa to demand answers. “No, we haven’t been hacked.” replied an exasperated Customer Service rep named Yuval. “It’s not a prank. Yes, it’s supposed to be like that. And no, I haven’t heard about your special steak spice. Can’t you just buy your spices at the Shuk? I’ve had this conversation a million times today.

Sadly, this was indeed not an elaborate prank. After several email exchanges with Amazon Israel customer service, the Daily Freier confirmed that they do not intend to stock Montreal Steak Spice, Neosporin, or the snack-size Ziplocs that you can’t even find at Osher Ad. They do, however have t-shirts from Adika (um… whoever they are) and dishes from Naaman. We caught up with our friend Dassie to get her opinion on this business model.

So, like instead of going to literally any Israeli mall to buy Naaman dishes, I can pay extra on Amazon and still have to wait for the Doar? Yeah….no.

These spoiled Americans, they expect too much.” laughed Yuval. “They want cheap prices, they want fast delivery, they want cheerful customer service reps. Who do they think we are? Next thing you know, they’ll be wanting their parcels delivered by flying robots. Hahahahaha.

If you don’t think I’m going to complain about this in my Aliyah Blog, you’re in for a big surprise.” warned Dassie. The Daily Freier admonished Dassie that as we approach Yom Kippur, it’s imperative not to spread malicious gossip. Yet she was adamant. “It’s not Lashon Hara if it’s true.

 

BREAKING: Reform Judaism to permit Tallit on Men

(photo credit: Our Friends/Really Good Sports over at Reform Judaism)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 10/2/2019 at 8:20 AM

Cincinnati: Last week’s Conference on Reform Judaism at Hebrew Union College apparently yielded a far-reaching and controversial ruling. Effective immediately, Reform Synagogues will also allow men to wear Tallit! As soon as The Daily Freier found out, we grabbed our funky oversized kippot and flew to Cincinatti for this historical occasion. We almost couldn’t wait until after Rosh Hashana to publish the story, but we somehow found the strength.

We first met with HUC Spokesperson Melissa T. about the big change. “This ruling is truly a symbol of Tikkun Olam. The very act of men now donning Tallit embodies the concept of Tikkun Olam.” The Daily Freier asked if she had anything to add to her statement. “Tikkun Olam!” she replied.

The Daily Freier then spoke to aspiring Rabbi Adam G. “This ruling is a real game changer. I can’t wait to wear tallit in my congregation as a new Rabbi….. I mean, just as soon as I get a passing grade in guitar class.

Results from Israel were swift, with Prime Minister Netanyahu making a strong statement. “My message to American Jews is simple: Regardless of how you feel about today’s ruling, we in Israel stand ready to continue cashing your checks. And when it comes to questions of religious pluralism versus tradition, we in Israel stand ready to continue cashing your checks.

UPDATE: The Reform Movement says it’s “too soon” to speculate whether they will permit Shabbat services without tambourines.

Jerusalem cab driver writes book about Sarah Tuttle-Singer

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/27/2019 at 2:30 PM

Jerusalem: Israel’s Literary Community is abuzz with news of the nation’s Latest Besteller. Titled “OMG, Can You Just Tell Me?“, the book is written by Gruff but Lovable Israeli cab driver Shlomo D. The story tells of his free-form discussions with journalist/author Ms. Tuttle-Singer and includes tales of war, love, loss, family, reconciliation, and who sells the best pomegranates.

Written over the course of 3 years, the book is entirely derived from conversations Shlomo had with Sarah as they drove around Jerusalem, and it covers the course of a friendship that started with Shlomo innocently trying to charge Sarah double the normal rate and graduated to Shlomo inviting Sarah to his niece’s wedding 40 minutes later. The Daily Freier bought a copy of the book, and it was almost as good as the advance copy of Sarah’s book that we stole from Crave Gourmet Street Food last year.  So without further ado, here is our synopsis:


Chapter 1: It’s December. Where the Hell is her coat?

Chapter 2: We’re in a traffic jam & Sarah is writing her Fauda fan-fiction again.

Chapter 3: That’s a police checkpoint. Please put away your flask.

Chapter 4: I never actually said “Nu, Saralah?

Chapter 5: Those cats are NOT getting in my cab.

Chapter 6: I don’t think she likes Bibi.

Chapter 7: The time she had me read her kid’s 6th Grade Essay about Tu B’Shvat and Feminism.

Chapter 8: What’s are edibles?

Chapter 9: No, I never asked myself whether Queen Esther was secretly bi-sexual.

Chapter 10: By all means, please tell me who makes the best hummus in Lod.


When asked about his next steps in the literary world, Shlomo told the Daily Freier that the book’s royalties mean he never has to work again. Also, last year in a fit of entrepreneurial genius, Shlomo introduced Sarah to his wife Sarit, who sells scarves.

UPDATE: Israeli literati woke up in shock this morning to allegations that Shlomo had plagiarized several chapters using a controversial algorithm to build counterfeit Sarah Tuttle-Singer stories that are virtually indistinguishable from the real thing. An angry Shlomo addressed these accusations at a hastily held Press Conference, blaming them on “jealous” neighbors and his idiot cousin Dovi who moved to Miami in the 1990’s.

 

 

 

Police foil attempt to smuggle British Flag into Labour Party Conference

“He said it was a keffiyeh”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/23/2019 at 4:30 PM

Brighton: A crisis was narrowly averted today by quick-thinking security personnel at Britain’s annual Labour Conference. A man carrying the Union Jack attempted to gain access to the Conference this morning but was stopped before he reached the auditorium. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all of the facts.

I knew something was amiss when the individual did not quickly provide a list of preferred pronouns.” explained a Momentum activist named Stephanie at the Credentialing Booth. “Then I noticed that he had a bizarre handkerchief in his pocket with red and white crosses on a blue background. He said it was a keffiyeh, but he wasn’t fooling anyone.  I remembered seeing that thing on a Spice Girls album a long time ago. That’s when I called the Police.

As the man was led away in handcuffs, frightened attendees shared their feelings with the Daily Freier. “This is absolutely terrifying.” stated a volunteer wearing a “Free Gaza” smock. “Yet the fear I felt is the same that the people of Jenin have felt since 1967. Today’s events have placed me in greater in Solidarity with Palestine. Yalla.”

With the attempted incursion safely under control, Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn held an impromptu Press Conference to allay fears and restore calm. “Today’s events were an attempt by Boris Johnson’s thugs to destroy our Solidarity. We will not be defeated by Hate, because we are For the Many, Not the J….. Not the J….

At that moment Corbyn’s Spokesperson grabbed the microphone. “Not the Few.”

“What’s an Appointment?”: a guide to Misrad HaPnim

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 9/22/2019 at 2:30 PM

Jerusalem: You want passport? Meet me at 6 in the morning. Don’t worry about computer.

It was with this cryptic reply that our Daily Freier reporter first encountered Magda, a Polish-born Olah with a reputation as a ‘fixer’ in the government bureaucracy. I needed a passport for my son and the Misrad HaPnim (Ministry of the Interior) website showed no appointments available for months.

If there’s anything we learned in Poland, it was how to stand in line.” noted Magda as we arrived at the Misrad Hapnim office at 6 AM. “Website not important. If you come early enough they always let you in.” Amazingly enough, a line soon formed, consisting of everyone who isn’t using the website: Senior Citizens, the Haredim, and former Soviet Bloc citizens who chatted in Russian while smiling with a faint tinge of nostalgia. And yes, they gave me a number and processed my passport even though I didn’t make an appointment online. Who knew that would actually work?

Your cousin needs papers signed? Meet me at Aroma in one hour.” was Magda’s reply when I called in a panic about my cousin Shlomo, a Lone Soldier who needed to get medical paperwork signed immediately and couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment.

Shlomo and I rushed to Aroma and Magda was waiting for us on the street. “Go inside and buy a box of rugelach.” Magda ordered him.  As a Lone Soldier, Shlomo found this confusing. “Buy something? Like, actually pay money?”  But Magda was insistent. “No rugelach, No paper.

As we entered the Kupat Cholim (Insurance HMO) office, rugelach in hand, Magda explained: “Kupat Cholim secretary is Queen of the office. If you want help, you bring gifts.” And yes, after handing the secretary the pastries, she was surprisingly helpful and let Shlomo see the doctor for just a second to get his paper signed.

In Poland, we knew how to get things done.” Magda explained. “Communism wasn’t such a bad system, it was just different…but we knew how to get around it.” This reporter was surprised at Magda’s candor and suggested that perhaps she could leverage her expertise in dealing with Israeli government bureaucracies into a successful business venture. Magda laughed. “You Americans and your jokes. Open a business? What does that mean.. open… a… business? Who do you think I am? The Minister of Labor or something? That’s funny. You Americans!”