Well, the people voted and the competition was fierce. We had stories about hard-hitting issues like, umm, Wolt Delivery people and also the new tax on plastic utensils. Plus some random complaints about how the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem took the Corona crisis as a good time to stop actually doing stuff.
Somewhere in the Arava– So this Taglit trip has been A-Ma-Zing! I can’t believe they let us into the country finally! We’ve seen EVERYTHING! And our bus is so fun!
Also, the IDF guys on our bus are so down to earth and chill! This one guy Danny is something called a “Lone Soldier“? He’s pretty cool, but is it weird that he eats all the food off our plates when we’re full? Or when we get up to go to the bathroom? Is that like an Israeli custom? Anyways, they’re all great. This other guy named Itzhik was in the Navy, and get this: He’s a dolphin! Can I say that? Is that racist?
Anyway, Itzhik is so cool! He just got back from Gaza and I guess he did some crazy stuff there. So it gets even crazier! Every time we get back on the bus, Itzhik brings me a small present! Yesterday he brought me a piece of string. Today he brought me a small mackerel! Is this like an Israeli thing that I don’t know about? Is he flirting with me?
So tonight we’re going to stay at a Guest House on the edge of this giant crater in the Negev! How cool is that? And guess who wants to show me a special spot where you can see all the stars! Itzhik! Wait, is this moving too fast?
OK, this is bullshit. As we were getting ready to leave the Ecological Desert Kibbutz, I ran into Jessica from Boston and she was talking about how tonight Itzhik promised to show her “a special spot where you can see all the stars.“
Hi Freiers! So 2021 kinda…. sucked. Nevertheless, let’s stroll down Memory Lane and look back at some of this year’s A-Ma-Zing journalism at the Daily Freier. Here’s your chance to vote and have your voice heard! But unlike certain Democracies on the Eastern Shore of the Mediterranean, we don’t intend to draw this vote out for 2 years and 5 elections. Ha Ha! Just kidding! We think!
Anyhoo, go ahead and vote. Winner of this Fake Vote will win a Fake Prize. Barring any unforeseen circumstances like Aryeh Deri shaking us down for a bribe, results will be declared before Shabbat this Friday,
*Note for our readers who insist on being Extra: You have the option of submitting your own entry for this Contest.
So it’s been a minute since we heard from Trump Yeshiva, which was once a spin-off of the Daily Freier but somehow went rogue. Ever since The Donald tweeted the Bible for us, Trump Yeshiva was a bit out of control. Their Tisch about Covfefe, musings on Selichot, and bizarre Twitter feud with Preoccupied Territory… the Trump years were a wild ride. But then he lost the Election (Trump fans: Please email us your Conspiracy Theories as to how he actually won!), got deplatformed from Twitter, and then they took down Parlour. It felt like the end of a crazy era. But guess what? Trump Yeshiva is back! We stopped by their Shteibl at the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station* on the floor below the Filipino Markets. So here is the transcript of Mr. Trump’s latest Tisch. It’s about Loyalty! (Warning: Not Safe For Work!)
King Menashe? What. A. Loser. His dad Hezekiah was a Great Builder. Great, Great, Builder. Built an amazing tunnel to the Pools of Siloam. Just an Amazing tunnel. For water. Lots and Lots of Water. So during the Assyrian siege, Evil Senacherib had no water. Because Jerusalem had all the water, Am I right? There was so much water, that the residents of Jerusalem actually got bored of water! They said, please Hezekiah, enough water! We’re tired of water….. So where was I? Oh yeah, Menashe. Now normally, when a guy’s dad is a great developer, the son turns out pretty good too! I mean, Helllooo! But this Menashe, not so much. He turned to other Fake Deities. Like Baal. And Moloch. Really creepy things with the kids, I mean, we’re talking PizzaGate stuff here. So Disloyal. Fuck Him.
Flavius Jospehus? OK, Not a King. So sue me. I’m kidding, people, I’m kidding. Anyway, this guy’s plan to defend Yodfat stinks! I mean, we’re talking a real Mark Milley plan. But when they lose to the Romans, he tricks all his friends into committing suicide. Then he goes out and kisses Vespasian’s butt, and gets invited to his Inauguration as Emperor. This guy is the Mike Pence of the 1st Century. Fuck Him.
King Ahab? Technically a Northern Kingdom loser, but bear with me, OK? The guy marries a hot foreign chick. So far, so good, right? But this Jezebel was a real Jezebel. This woman was a giant pain in the ass. Forces people to worship Fake Deities. Treats the Prophets badly. Finally, Jehoshaphat kills Ahab and Jehoshaphat’s son throws Jezebel out of a window. This is better than Game of Thrones! Fuck ’em both.
King David? I got mixed feelings about this one. So his Best General was married to Batsheba, a real dime piece. Anyways, he sees her laying out on the roof in a bikini and decides to send Uriah the Hittite off to, I dunno, Afghanistan or something. So that he could get Bathsheba alone and maybe grab her by the…..
OK, that’s enough learning for one day! Tune in tomorrow when we test Trump Neckties for Shatnez!
* With the impending closure of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station, Trump Yeshiva is looking for a new home. Please add your suggestions/hot real estate tips in the Comments Section!
Yesterday, we released an ad without properly vetting, for a free all expenses-paid Shabbaton next Wednesday at IfNotNow’s Editor’s Dad’s Summer House outside of New Paltz. This ad is not in line with our values as an organization dedicated to stories about Dizengoff Center, Taglit jokes, the shortcomings of Jerusalem nightlife, and some occasional dunking on the Woke Dorks of Anti-Zionism. We are returning the money that we received for this ad, and will immediately begin a critical evaluation of our ad process and policies. Specifically, we will try to figure out how we missed them talking about JVP’s Acapella group performing “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahood” in Three Part Harmony. Also the part about Mairav Zonsein teaching everyone how to dance the Dabka until Ali Abunimah inevitably busts in and yells at her for appropriation. Same with the BDS puppet show based on Simone Zimmerman’s dream journal. Not to mention Ariel Gold’s amazing “Poetry Slam for Palestine” featuring some not so subtle references to her love-hate relationship with a certain Gay Israeli Mizrahi Indigenous Rights Activist.
Ithaca: And that’s Hen’s heart that’s breaking down this long-distance line tonight, but he ain’t missing Ariel at all. Since she’s been gone away. He ain’t missing her. No matter what his friends say…. Wait, where were we? Oh yeah. Noted anti-Zionist Ariel Gold has ended her tumultuous relationship with Mossad-funded Hasbara Guy Hen Mazzig. That’s right, the BDS/Zionist Power Couple is no more, before we could even think of a cute name for them like “Bennifer“.
For the past couple of years, self-described Jew-indigenous-to-Spain Ariel Gold feuded with Hen on the Internets, leading to such gems as the time she criticized his shirtless selfie, an amazing online debate for which the Daily Freier created Bingo cards, and the time Ariel tried to kidnap Hen’s pet rabbit. Sure, they broke up from time to time while Ariel yelled at Morton Klein or Ben Shapiro, but they always managed to continue their tumultuous online relationship.
So it was with heavy heart that the Daily Freier discovered that Ariel had recently dumped Hen. For a pine tree. Last week noted British actor Eddie Marsan wrote a nice post on Twitter about a tree planted in his honor by the Jewish Community of the United Kingdom. It all went downhill from there, with Ms. Gold replying with accusations of stolen land, ethnic cleansing, and… (checks notes) ….promoting forest fires. That’s right, there is another target of Ariel’s Anti-Zionist Righteous Indignation, and it’s a Pine Tree named Ido currently growing in the Shfela Region just south of Tel Gezer. With Ido the Pine Tree suddenly the new target of Ariel’s online activism/diary entries, naturally Hen began feeling like the losing end of an Evergreen Love Triangle. The Daily Freier contacted Mr. Mazzig for his take on Ariel branching outleaving breaking up with him for a member of the Coniferous family.
“I still haven’t processed this.” lamented Hen while staring at his coffee hafuch. “This is a complete shock. Just last week I was picking out a house for us in our indigenous land…. near Barcelona.”
The Daily Freier tried to cheer Hen up, noting that there were plenty of wacky and performative BDS activists from the Finger Lakes Region out there waiting to meet him, but he was inconsolable. “I’ve been dumped before for other men, for other women, once even for a cat. But what Ariel has done is the most humiliating thing I’ve ever experienced. I feel like I’ve been cuckolded by Etz HaHayim.“
We had more questions for Mr. Mazzig but he cut the interview short “because it’s time for Mincha.” As we got up to leave, we could hear Hen praying “Shema Spain Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Ehad.“
Editor’s Note: If you think this is the last you’re going to hear from Ido the Pine Tree, then you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.
Apparently we are all back in High School, because this week our Frenemies at the Irish Embassy stayed up until Midnight in order to find our photo in the Yearbook and draw devil horns on our heads and blacken our teeth send a nasty Tweet and then delete it. Yet much like the timeless music of The Corrs, the Internet is Forever and we have screenshots. One would think that Ireland would admire a country that actually managed to completely evict the British, but no. Ireland is upset that Israel is cracking down on all the PFLP-affiliated charities that they fund. They even took the time to complain about that tiny kerfuffle back in 2010 when Israel (Allegedly!) flew to Dubai and knocked off one of their friends in Hamas using tennis rackets, bad wigs, and Irish passports. So this is where our relationship is now.
Yet in the spirit of Goodwill, the Daily Freier set out to get the Irish Government’s side of the story. So we spent the week lurking in their favorite watering holes and BDS Chatrooms in order to get the Top Ten reasons that they angrily drunk tweeted us. Here they are, for your reading pleasure.
1) Gerry Adams keeps tickling us.
2) Daylight Savings Time
3) Was reading “The Merchant of Venice” for the 47th time and dozed off.
4) You always end up hurting the ones you love.
5) You killed Christ.
6) Gal Gadot still won’t return our phone calls.
7) Roger Waters came to us in a dream and instructed us to do this.
8) Yeah, we dream about Roger Waters like twice a week.
10) We’re really busy and don’t want invites to any Chanukah parties.
Jerusalem, Neve Yaakov: “I feel personally victimized…. by this government! This obviously anti-religious bill attacks me personally!” lamented Yisroel M, a 20-year-old yeshiva student, describing his feelings about the new tax on disposable plasticware. “If the Yeshiva wanted us to do dishes, they should have put dishwashers in our dorm rooms, but all they gave us was a ‘negel vasser’ sink in the middle of the kitchenette.“
“When my sister Shevy in Sanhedriya heard the news she tore keriya.” Yisroel explained. “As a mom with seven small children, how does anyone expect her to wash dishes? Between her unlicensed gan that she runs out of her house and her cash-only sheitel washing business, she doesn’t have time. With this extra expense, she’s looking for another job….. a few of her neighbors approached her to join their shady MLM.“
We wanted to speak with Shevy but Yisroel warned us not to. “She’s just going to pester you about when you’re going to America next and if you can bring her back some plastic plates in your luggage.” he admonished. “Our aunt just visited and half her suitcase was filled with American toilet paper! What’s wrong with Shevy? Can’t she just order it on Amazon like everyone else?“
Yisroel offered us a cup of grainy instant coffee from his yeshiva lounge as we discussed his distrust of coercive government. “They tax stuff we really need …because they’re telling us what to do! I’m an independent thinker, nobody tells me what to do…. except for my Rosh Yeshiva.”
As we left, Yisroel noted that he was afraid the government would impose taxes on other things that he loved in order to try to make him buy less of them. “What if they taxed black pants that don’t reach my ankles? Or buying cholent Thursday night? Or imagine if they put a tax …. on our cigarettes!“
Joint Base McGuire-Dix, New Jersey: A junior officer described by superiors as having “tremendous potential” washed out of his Joint Planning Course this week. The Captain, who goes by “Mark”, was summoned to a closed-door meeting with the School Commandant on Monday after the catastrophic failure of his Course Capstone Project. The assignment, which he kept on a floppy disc labeled “Kabul Airport“, ended ignominiously for the Captain, and also crashed the building’s server. The Daily Freier stopped by the Schoolhouse to get some answers.
“The signs were all there.” complained Mr. Higgins, a retired Air Force Logistics Planner. “He answered his phone in the middle of my Classified lecture on Redeployment. When I yelled at him, he said that it was ‘Woodward’ and that he had to take the call.” Mr. Higgins took a sip from his coffee mug and stared out the window toward the flightline. “Also, he blamed a Supply shortfall on White Fragility.”
The Daily Freier then spoke to some of Mark’s classmates. “At first he seemed like a motivated officer. Decorations and assignments all checked out.” mused a Navy Chief. “But during our group project on Base Defense, he kept wandering off to read “The 1619 Project”. Honestly, I blame his NCO’s for not nipping this in the bud.”
As the Daily Freier prepared to leave, we bumped into Mark, who insisted that his final project wasn’t really due “until sometime in the Spring“. We pressed Mark on the accuracy of this response, but he told us that he was “late for a Board Meeting at Raytheon“.
Many us share a love for Young Adult Womens’ literature, but found it lacked a particular focus on boycotting a certain country. A country populated by certain Rootless Cosmopolitans who lacked a capacity for British irony. A country located to the Southwest of Syria, a nation whose leader I consider a friend. So imagine how chuffed I was upon hearing the news that Sally Rooney has decided not to translate her works into Hebrew.
As I told my comrades in the Islington Gardening Allotment this morning, Chick Lit finally has a champion in the struggle to erase the Zionist Entity for Palestine. Sally’s books now truly have “something for everyone”. Our steadfast colleague Diane Abbott noted that Sally’s female protagonists “displayterrible choices in men that remind me of some of the choices that I once made as a young woman.” I’m not sure what she’s referring to, but it sounds like a rather authentic endorsement.
Ms. Rooney’s stand is truly a breath of fresh air. For too many months, the Progressive Left in this nation has been hectored by a series of reactionary Kulaks Blairites spinning yarns such as “Why did Corbyn’s Labour rallies feature a sea of Palestinian flags but no Union Jacks?” Yet what these critics don’t understand is that the Northern Counties that abandoned Labour were not interested in jobs or their childrens’ education. Rather, they were waiting for a Woke Novelist to rally the Proletariat in the Struggle for Palestine.
Ms. Rooney, please consider yourself invited to my next High Tea at the House of Commons.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.