(Link to Original Story in English)
Tel Aviv, Rothschild: La policía está corriendo contrarreloj en un intento de rescatar a un hombre atrapado en un ascensor del centro de Tel Aviv sin nada que leer, excepto la edición de hoy del Haaretz. Éste periódico, conocido por su postura de izquierdas antisionista, así como por organizar conferencias culturales en las que los artistas del espectáculo tiran naranjas a la audiencia y se ponen banderas israelíes en el trasero, se considera algo así como la personificación de la corrección política y de la buena conciencia. Las autoridades pronto se dieron cuenta de que las gruesas paredes del edificio bloqueaban la cobertura de los móviles, lo que obligó al hombre a pasar el tiempo leyendo el Haaretz en lugar de revisar su móvil. Al enterarse de esto, se apresuraron a traer a un equipo de policías, bomberos y paramédicos para rescatar al hombre, identificado como un reciente inmigrante estadounidense, Zachary F, antes de que fuera demasiado tarde. The Daily Freier se acercó a la escena para obtener todos los hechos.
“El tiempo es precioso, explicó el comandante que llevaba el caso, un teniente de policía llamado Moti. La salud mental de este hombre corre un grave peligro, tememos que una vez que lea los artículos de hoy de Amira Hass y Roger Alpher, pueda perder su voluntad de vivir. Como ese pobre chimpancé de la Universidad de Tel Aviv“.
Moti continuó monitoreando la situación a través de un circuito cerrado de televisión antes de gritar órdenes repentinamente a un grupo de bomberos. “¡Dénse prisa con la escalera! ¡Está llegando a la parte en la que el artículo de Peter Beinart afirma que deben romper con Israel porque Bibi ganó las últimas elecciones!“.
Si bien las gruesas paredes del edificio obligarían a Zachary a leer el Haaretz en primer lugar, Moti explicó que también podrían haber evitado una nueva tragedia. “Gracias a Diós, esos espesos muros significan que no tiene acceso a la cuenta de Twitter de Amos Schocken (el propietario del Haaretz)“.
ACTUALIZACIÓN: A medida que el artículo salía a la luz, los paramédicos luchaban por insertar un tubo de respiración en el hueco del ascensor, ya que el último artículo de Gideon Levy sobre Gaza amenazaba con extraer todo el oxígeno del ascensor.
(left to right: Rachel, Sarah-Rachel, Rachel)
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 6/22/2018 at 3:50 PM
Jerusalem: Israeli non-profit Nefesh B’Nefesh is speaking out today to denounce published reports that every woman who made Aliyah in 2017 was named Rachel or Sarah. Or Sara. Or Rakhel. Or Rochel. Or Racheli…. Anyhoo, they are not happy about that rumor and are now setting the record straight.
“This is just ridiculous.” admonished Sarah B., a Nefesh B’Nefesh spokesperson from the Jerusalem office. “You really shouldn’t believe everything you hear. It’s like you’re totally ignoring the Leahs. And the Devorahs. And the Devorah Leahs.”
In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier reached out to members of the local community to get their take on this important story.
“That just doesn’t even make any sense.” mused Rachel S. as she walked her dogs on Bograshov Street. “Like how do people come up with this stuff?”
“Fake News!” wrote Sara L. on her popular Aliyah Blog “Sara’s Adventures in the Shuk!”
“OMG where did you hear something so silly?” asked Rachel E. from the Jewish Agency’s Public Affairs Department.
“First I’ve heard of this.” stated Rakhel W., the Officer in Charge of the IDF’s Olah hadasha code talker unit.
“This is the sort of propaganda that I would expect to hear in the age of Trump and Bibi.” complained local author Sarah Tuttle-Singer. “Also, you forgot to add Jessica.”
In other news, Nefesh B’Nefesh today also denied allegations that their next citizenship ceremony will be held at “a nice sushi place with a hecshcher.”
Oslo: The International Community is positively giddy with the news that Former President Barack Obama is to receive his SECOND Nobel Peace Prize! Nobel Committee spokesperson Lars Olaf addressed the assembled news media earlier today.
“The Nobel Committee is proud to award this year’s prize to Barack Obama for his steadfast work uniting former enemies in the belief that his policies posed a clear and present danger to their respective nations. Mr. Obama’s Iran Policy has managed to bring Israel into a de-facto alliance with Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and the United Arab Emirates. Ten years ago, this would be unthinkable!”
The electrified crowd burst into applause when Mr. Obama strode into the room to accept his prize. “Please excuse my lateness, I was leading from behind…Then again, we are the one we’ve been waiting for.”
(The Daily Freier is published over at Israellycool today. Go check it out!)
(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Mark Levy
Last Updated 6/20/2018 at 5:10 PM
Tel Aviv: Startup Nation has given the world some amazing things: Waze, the cherry tomato, Gal Gadot, the thumb drive. But for every great Israeli idea, rest assured they have come up with some failures. And here they are: the 10 biggest flops of Israeli tech!
- Ara-Mazing: Translate your sexts into Aramaic!
- E-Z Steal: Choose the most convenient time & place to have your bike stolen!
- Gaydar Tel Aviv
- Misrad HaTindr: Match with someone who is also waiting in line at the Ministry of the Interior!
- John Kerry Meetup!: Connects you with other fans of the former Secretary of State in Israel
- AngloWhine: Deletes any texts from your Anglo friends when they’re complaining about something
- Pokémon Pee: An app that finds you a sidewalk in Tel Aviv where nobody has peed yet
- Tag-Lit: Lets Israeli men track the real-time location of every Birthright bus in the country
- Matkot Simulator: It’s as if there’s a matkot game being played one meter away from you!
- The Dizengoff Center Navigation App (Oops! This really exists!)
So Taglit has come up with some A-Ma-Zing themes for its trips: Classic Birthright, Outdoor Adventure Birthright, LGBT Birthright, ride a camel, get black-out drunk in Machane Yehuda and hook up with the soldier on your bus Birthright, and Campus Birthright. And it’s this type of “thinking outside the box” that has allowed Taglit to really “expand the brand.” But for every Taglit Great Idea, there are a whole bunch that turned out to be not so great. Here are some of Taglit’s greatest mistakes:
- OMG Everyone on my bus has peanut allergies too!
- In 2018 let Taglit take you to Israel with your college stalker!
- This Summer Taglit is going to take you to the Negev and then drive off!
- Explore Israel’s Binary Options industry with Taglit!
- Forget Masada and the Kotel, this year Taglit is taking you to Afula!
- This summer, be the only non-French speaker on your bus!
- Spend a day in the Knesset with Hanin Zoabi!
- Just for fun, we told Ben Gurion Passport Control that you work for BDS.
- This week your Taglit tour guide is Oren Hazan!
- Wait, are we in Syria? Taglit’s hiking tour of the Golan….without pesky maps!
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Mark Levy
Last Updated 6/13/2018 at 5:10 PM
Haifa: The Computer Science Department at Israel’s premier Technion Institute of Technology is in chaos today as they try desperately to shut down their experimental chatbot that is quickly becoming more and more….. Israeli. The chatbot, named Dudi, has begun picking up the mannerisms and traits of all of the people it encounters at the University, along with those with whom it interacts online. Last week it began listening to Radio Galgalotz. Finally, a custodian accidentally left the television on over the weekend, leaving Dudi to watch the comedy show Eretz Nehderet and a political talk show that seemingly consists of 8 men and women yelling at each other for 24 minutes, only with commercial breaks. All of these input sources have merged into Dudi’s consciousness, causing him to quickly morph into an out of control vortex of Chutzpadik. The Daily Freier sat in on a hastily put-together press conference at the Haifa campus with our favorite Tech experts, Gideon B. and Alex G.
“Dudi is way past the danger point.” explained Gideon B. “Asking strangers what their salary is? That was last week. Yesterday he had a loud animated conversation with a complete stranger about his toilet habits…..This morning he asked a visiting Chinese Professor about her sex life.”
“Dudi has begun to take on the personality of an Israeli man in his late 20’s.” explained Alex. “Last night we caught him bragging about all the hash he smoked in Thailand two years ago. At this very moment Dudi and the guys who work in the campus gym are planning a trip to Bulgaria with a daily budget of 12 Euros per person to include hotel and airfare.”
The Daily Freier wanted to find out just how the rest of the University Community feels about this crisis. One passerby explained his encounter with Dudi. “I know that it’s not a physical object, but somehow Dudi cut me in line this morning at the third floor snack bar. Also, he kept telling the girl behind the counter that he had his scuba license and that they should go down to Eilat next week together.”
As the Daily Freier left the campus, word broke that Dudi wants to open a bar in Tel Aviv with 12 of his friends as co-owners.
By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 6/12/2018 at 5:50 PM
Jerusalem, Machane Yehuda Market: Jerusalem is still in shock from the news that the United Torah Judaism Party’s Yaakov Litzman wants to close down Jerusalem’s Machane Yehuda Market, a move that would deprive the city of its one cool hangout and thus “make the city just as boring as the Daily Freier thinks it is”. Reaction across the city was intense, with particularly strong objection from your one friend who has somehow convinced himself that Jerusalem really has a great party scene. Mr. Litzman outlined his objections to the market, calling it a “focal point for debauchery“, whereas our research revealed it to be about as decadent as a particularly edgy Tel Aviv laundromat.
Yet the Daily Freier wanted to get “all the facts” so it set out on a deep investigation of this topic to include reading a Times of Israel article and taking the bus to Jerusalem and walking around. According to the article, one of Mr. Litzman’s objections to the market is that recently two drunk women accidentally wandered into a nearby Yeshiva, a tragedy that the traumatized Yeshiva bochers have no doubt reacted to by telling and re-telling the story to their friends a thousand times, each re-telling somehow better and more exciting than the last.
In addition, Litzman claimed to have witnessed cannabis use in the market, leading the Daily Freier to send his office an official inquiry as to the specific part of the Market where he witnessed this so-called “cannabis”. And whether these “cannabis users” were passing it around or just being a dick about it keeping it to themselves. And whether they still had any left.
Furthermore, Mr. Litzman said that “if people want to have such a raucous nightlife, they should do so outside the capital.” Wait a minute…. he really really did say this. Sorry, writing satire is just getting harder and harder for us. Anyhoo, Jerusalemites who want to have a good time are invited to take the high-speed rail line to Tel Aviv, which will be ready last March/Bzrat HaShem/in the Fall/Inshallah/after the Chagim/Before Moschiach/when Hanin Zoabi and Matisyahu record a duet/ next Pesach “soon”.
Fortunately, this extreme action seems unlikely to take place, for just because Mr. Litzman controls a powerful bloc of voters, mainstream Israeli politicians would never sell out their constituents just to gain a short-term political advanta…….Bwahahahahahahaha! Good luck, Jerusalem!