Daily Freier criticized for “Anglos Only” Pétanque Tournament

No Francophones were harmed in the making of this article

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 12/1/2019 at 3:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Apparently the Daily Freier is in a lot of trouble.  Like, a LOT of trouble. In the spirit of Community, we decided to organize a pétanque tournament. In Tel Aviv. On Rothschild Boulevard. Where apparently a certain….group of Olim congregate and play this really cool looking game that looks like bocce only even more ridiculous. Anyhoo, we organized this Competition, and somehow accidentally added “Anglos Only” to the Facebook Event. Must have been an oversight. You see, the Daily Freier has been obsessed with pétanque for a long time. But now we are getting a bunch of angry texts from the principal of Collège Français de Tel-Aviv, the French Embassy, and that kinda hot/kinda crazy French girl from your Ulpan. The Daily Freier hastily held a News Conference to dispel rumors.

Daily Freier editor Yuval Weiss greeted the assembled press, but before he could finish his introduction, an angry editor from I24-Francaise lit into him.

It is simply…absurd that the Daily Freier would exclude the very Nation that created this noble sport from your tournament. Do you not notice that the pétanque courts of Rothschild are absolutely French?”

Wait, they’re French?” replied Yuval. “You sure? Because I’m so Woke that I don’t see race or color or national origin.”

The Daily Freier tried to change the subject to our upcoming Chanukah Scavenger Hunt in Dizengoff Center, but the French Embassy Chargé d’affaires stood on his chair and began reading from the Declaration of the Rights of Man and name-dropping the Marquis DeLafayette.

Finally, Yuval was able to regain control of the Press Conference. “We apologize for the oversight. It’s just that as Anglos we are used to creating new opportunities on very short notice. It’s hard to explain this concept sometimes….. Wait, what’s the word for ‘entrenpeneur’ in French?

Finally, The Daily Freier was able to defuse the situation by inviting everyone to a Mickey Rourke Film Festival at the Kerem House.

*In the spirit of Jewish Solidarity, we promise to hold next year’s Daily Freier Pétanque Tournament in Netanya.

 

 

 

 

 

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Bibi calls on Minority Communities to march with him against Police bias

“I too am a victim of profiling.”

By Josh Warhit

Last Updated 11/26/2019 at 2:00 PM

Jerusalem: Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu spent the day reaching out to leaders in the Ethiopian and Bedouin Communities, urging them to join him in a demonstration against the Israeli Police.

When asked by community leaders why he chose now to reach out for a joint protest, Mr. Netanyahu discussed what he considers to be a natural and obvious connection between himself and Minority Communities. “For years, the establishment has been biased against me, determined to keep me down and oppressed. My advisors tell me that you and your children feel similarly, perhaps even as much as I do.

This past summer, Israelis of Ethiopian descent protested against police brutality following the killing of 18-year-old Solomon Teka by an off-duty officer, an incident seen by many as emblematic of systemic racism.

As you know, they’ve been out for me since the beginning. I’ve heard you feel the same way.” Israel’s leader told the group of head-shaking activists. “The system is biased against people like us. We need to stick together.”

Unsurprisingly, some thought the timing of this initiative was a bit…. convenient. Late last week, Prime Minister Netanyahu was formally indicted on charges of bribery, fraud, and breach of trust. In recent years, Bibi has been accused of requesting and receiving gifts in return for favors.

This protest will be about standing up together in the face of discrimination.” the Prime Minister explained to media after the event. “Ethiopian Israelis should not fear drinking champagne or enjoying the occasional cigar, nor should I. Interrogate the interrogators.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister’s office said that Netanyahu’s outreach has actually been part of his Likud platform for quite some time. “Prime Minister Netanyahu has wanted to initiate this demonstration for years, but obstacles have presented themselves time and time again. The Attorney General’s current witch hunt against him simply demonstrates his foresight.”

Supporters of the Prime Minister’s Legal Defense Fund are urged to bring their Deposit Bottles to the nearest Likud Office.

“We just ordered toilet paper!” Anglo Olim react calmly to Amazon’s free shipping

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/24/2019 at 3:00 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh-Mem Sofit: “Is it a fast day? Some kind of holiday? There is some religious reason why people aren’t shopping now, right?” asked Israeli-born makolet owner Rami K. as he stood outside his mini-market in Ramat Beit Shemesh-Alef. Rami dragged on a cigarette and wondered out loud exactly why his business has come to a dramatic slowdown this past week. “I sell everyday things that people need: toilet paper, trash bags, tissues, laundry soap. These Americans living here still use the toilet, right? So, if they aren’t buying toilet paper in my store, where are they getting it from…. America?… hahahahaha. I make joke, yes?

The Daily Freier had to gently inform Rami that the downward turn of his business was in fact due to Amazon.com and their recent free shipping offer (stop us if you’ve heard this one before). After a few glasses of Arak and an hour on Facebook, we managed to convince our Israeli friend that Americans were indeed buying their trash bags, toilet paper, and laundry soap from the United States. “You Americans are crazy.” said Rami as we showed him that in the great tradition of Jews building community, there are now multiple Facebook groups dedicated to shipping Amazon to Israel… and they can’t stand each other.

The Daily Freier then set out to ask RBS-Alef residents exactly why they were shopping online for their basic necessities. “It’s just easier to buy on Amazon and wait a week for delivery” explained local homemaker Esty C. “If I need to buy from Israeli stores, I actually have to… you know…. speak Hebrew. I thought I was done with all of that… are we still in Hebrew Day School or something?

As we left RBS-Alef, we asked Rami if he had ever considered taking his makolet business online and creating a user-friendly website for Americans to buy his products online. “Yeah, My daughter said I should make a nice website, but then I woud actually have to… you know… speak English.

 

Israel adds extra Yom Kippur just for Scooter Riders

“This is your chance to apologize to us.”
(photo credit: Hazel Orpen)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/11/2019 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: In the greatest change to Judaism in centuries, Israel has added an extra Yom Kippur. Yet it’s reserved specifically for scooter riders, because they suck  their actions have posed a unique challenge to 21st Century Israeli society. Specifically: how does one repent for anti-social behavior if a single Yom Kippur is not enough? The Daily Freier walked over to the Tel Aviv Rabbanut to get all of the facts.

 

We were greeted in the Lobby by Yossi, the Rabbanut’s Director of Community Outreach. We asked him exactly what prompted this drastic action. “The rise of the scooter has affected us all.” he explained. “Bird, Lime, whatever. Remember when electric bicycles were the most annoying vehicle on the sidewalk? Good Times.”

The Daily Freier asked Yossi just how the Rabbanut could possibly change the Jewish calendar. “Why not?” he replied. “We have 3 Election Days this year. What’s an extra Kol Nidre?” Yossi thumbed through the Gemara looking for a specific passage.  “This extra Yom Kippur…. it is a chance for you to repent for being such a… how do I say this without committing Lashon Hara?….. for being such a sociopathic ass.

The Daily Freier challenged Yossi, noting that anti-social behavior takes many forms. “You raise a compelling point.” Yossi replied, as he pulled another book from the shelf. “Next year, bzrat HaShem, ‘Extra Yom Kippur’ will also apply to people who play matkot on the beach.”

In the spirit of diversity, Daily Freier will also be accepting repentance from those of you who park on the sidewalk.

 

 

“He was never even banned from Keep Olim!” Israel’s fake Aliyah stories debunked

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/8//2019 at 2:00 PM

Jerusalem: This week The Times of Israel reported a mini-scandal rocking the nation: the Ministry of Absorption created make-believe Olim for their Social Media Campaigns. That’s right, the Ministry in charge of immigration had a hard time finding actual….. immigrants. Which is weird, because we’re not shy about sharing things. Such as how much better the Banking was in our country, how the country isn’t doing enough for us, and how we’d already be multi-trillionaires if we hadn’t made Aliyah. So it’s not like it would be hard to find us, seeing how Extra we can be when it comes to complaining. But apparently the Absorption Ministry wanted Olim who wouldn’t spend the whole article whining about the lack of Ziploc bags and a real Apple Store, and instead wanted something more positive. C’mon that’s nuts, right? Yet it was just these incredibly suspicious positive attitudes that first alerted the Olim Community to this shady enterprise. The Daily Freier set out to ask our fellow immigrants of the exact moment that they detected the Government’s Fake Online Olim.

So I was reading this one profile about a guy, and it said he had a real job.” explained an Olah Hadasha named Jess. “Major Red Flag, right? So I tried to CyberStalk him and I couldn’t find any history of him getting banned from Keep Olim. That’s when I called BS. Also, none of them had ever begged me to bring a bag of their winter clothes back on my next flight from New York.”

When the Olah from Britain said she had more than two Israeli friends? Oh Please.” scoffed a recent immigrant named Tali. “It’s just so obvious. I mean, she never even mentioned the time she tried to sell a futon on Secret Tel Aviv and got a bunch of really sketchy DM’s from Israeli guys. Plus, her name wasn’t Rachel or Sarah.”

There was just so much lying.” complained David from Boston. “The Lone Soldier who talked about buying furniture at IKEA? They should have started small, maybe with a Lone Soldier who doesn’t mooch your groceries.”

UPDATE: The Daily Freier wants the Big Money Machers at Misrad HaKlita to know that for the right price, we will create convincingly fake Aliyah Blogs that will fool the most cynical Olim. We know how to do this. Trust us.

‘I’m not Giveret!’ Secular Jerusalem Woman’s winter clothes make her look religious

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/3/2019 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem: “I wish they’d stop calling me ‘giveret’… and stop wishing me ‘b’sha’ah tova’ already!“ yelled secular, unmarried Jerusalem resident Olga R. “It happens every winter.” she explained. “When it gets cold, I wear a warm hat and a big cozy sweater and suddenly they think I’m one of “them”… you know, those religious women who are always pregnant. I would correct them, but then I’d have to give up my seat on the bus.

As winter weather settles over Israel, secular Israelis find themselves in the uncomfortable situation of being mistaken for their religious brethren. The Daily Freier sat down with a few of these misunderstood souls. “It was freezing cold, so I wore a long skirt with thick tights.” Yaffa explained. “So, this cute religious guy starts chatting me up and asks me if I want to go to a hotel with him. I agreed, but when we got there, he just wanted to sit in the lobby and drink a Coke Zero. Worst. Hookup. Ever ….even worse than that Tinder guy who took my old couch.

Yossi G. recalled an incident on the fast train to Tel Aviv. “It was raining, so I was wearing a hat and long black raincoat and reading a vintage Hebrew poetry book when this creepy yeshiva bachur sits down beside me. He said ‘You really look like you know how to shteig. What sugya are you into? I’m looking for a chavrusa.’ I though it was a gay pickup line.”

These religious people are so superficial… they just judge people by external stuff… it’s disgusting.” Yossi complained as Yaffa and Olga agreed. Just then, Yaffa realized that her phone battery had died and asked Yossi to use his phone. “I left it in the car.” he said. Later, as Yaffa was leaving, Yossi confided to the Daily Freier that he had lied about leaving his phone in the car “I have an iPhone X, I didn’t want her to see it and think I’m a nerd. I’m getting my iPhone 11 delivered next week.”

Huge win for BDS after Hurricane cancels Israel visit

“OK, can you stop texting me now, Mr. Waters?”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/28/2019 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Israel’s Hasbara efforts suffered a crushing blow this weekend after a Category One Hurricane failed to show up for its scheduled appearance. Hurricanes are fairly rare in this part of the world, so there was quite a bit of anticipation building up for its arrival. Yet last minute lobbying forced the hurricane, who goes by “Bob”, to cancel his trip. The Daily Freier spoke with Bob as he wandered aimlessly off the coast of Cyprus.

I just couldn’t take the pressure.” lamented Bob. “Which is ironic, because I’m supposed to thrive in fluctucations of barometric pressure, right?” Bob half-heartedly threw some rain clouds into the atmosphere and continued. “It started when my friend Gus the Tornado told me about the open letter from Roger Waters on the Weather Channel accusing me of ‘Climate Apartheid’. Then some bizarre cat lady started tweeting at me from her vacation to Iran. I couldn’t really understand her message, but she kept saying ‘Seriously, Bob?’…. I just felt unsafe.”

The Daily Freier asked Bob if he had any regrets about his canceled trip. “I really wanted to visit my family in Israel. The Flash Floods down south, my cousin Humidity, and of course my brother-in-law Boaz the Golani Cloud.

Reaction from the BDS people was unsupringly giddy, with many of the usual suspects chiming in:


Israel might have hypnotized the world, but it cannot hypnotize the weather. Me and my (EDITOR’S NOTE: Check CNN and insert name of current boyfriend/husband as of 5 AM Eastern Standard Time before this story goes to print) applaud the courage of Bob the Hurricane.” -Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (Democrat, Minnesota)

If Bob the Hurricane truly wants to educate himself about Palestine, he can listen to the folk songs I heard growing up in my grandmother’s village. You know, songs like ‘Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahud’. or ‘Falastin Baladna Yahud Kalabna’ . Stuff like that.” – Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib (Democrat, Michigan)

What’s a Hurricane?” -Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes (Democrat, New York)


Reaction to Bob’s cancellation among the “Only in Israel!” crowd was unsurprisingly glum, forcing Taglit to cancel a planned stop at the Technion where a representative from ‘Stand With Us’ would explain how Israel invented hurricanes in the mid-1980’s using only solar panels, Waze, and Dead Sea skin products.

 

Daily Freier Meet-Up & Elections Discussion: What could go Wrong?

Attention all of our Weird Followers:

WHO: You people

WHAT: Meet-Up at the Kerem House

WHEN: Wednesday 23 October, 8:30 PM

WHERE: Gedera 18, Tel Aviv

 


This is your chance to interact with one another. We’re going to make fun of our upcoming 3rd Election (you KNOW it’s going to happen) and have some drinks on a rooftop and you will all share your personal issues which the Daily Freier will spin into future stories. Your previous plans for Wednesday just seem silly now, don’t they?

Also, it’s going to be at Kerem House, and we lampooned them last week.

Top Ten Worst Kerem House Events

So there’s an exciting new Events Venue in Central Tel Aviv, and it is Off. The. Hook….. Clothing Swaps, Yoga, Modern Dance and also some events for men! They’re doing Shabbat, they did this weirdly awesome night full of Israeli Midburn enthusiasts. They’re doing Country Night. The Daily Freier may even host a meet-up there in the near future. (Stay Tuned!) But for every successful event, there have been some that were…. not so good. So without further ado, here is our Top Ten List of Worst Kerem House Ideas!


 

1.  Fyre Festival Tel Aviv

 

2. “Come wash our dishes!”

 

3. “Is it still good?” A tasting buffet of stuff that’s been in our freezer since Shavuot

 

4. Win a chance to talk to the cops at our next noise complaint!

 

5. Come dressed as your favorite angry rant from Secret Tel Aviv

 

6. “50 randoms we found on Allenby” speed-dating night

 

7. After everyone gets drunk, we’re Skyping your parents

 

8. Come trade your cash for our new Crypto Currency!

 

9. “Misrad HaPnim” theme party

 

10. “Return our Deposit Bottles” Field Trip

 

 

 

 

“Maybe if she votes Lieberman”: Litzman sets terms for Leifer extradition

“Or if she buys the wrong phone”
(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/5/2019 at 8:30 PM

Jerusalem: Israel’s Deputy Health Minister Yaakov Litzman this evening gave specific details of a scenario where he would approve the extradition of accused child molester Malka Leifer to Australia. “Maybe if she voted for Lieberman.”

Ms. Leifer, a former Principal at an Australian school for religious girls, was charged with 74 counts of sexual abuse back in 2008. So the school reacted as any school would react, by purchasing her a short notice airplane ticket to Israel! Since then Ms. Leifer has claimed to be mentally incapable of being extradited to Australia for trial. Yet thanks to some undercover sleuthing, we learned that her mental incapacity is the funky kind where she can still go shopping, talk on the phone, run errands around town, and basically do everything normal people do. Fascinating, huh?

Anyhoo, the case has progressed about as quickly as the queue at an Israeli Post Office on a Thursday afternoon. The court called state mental health experts to testify as to whether Ms. Leifer is mentally competent for extradition. Interestingly enough, some experts who said she was competent then changed their mind and ruled that Ms. Leifer is not competent to stand trial.

Yet, and we really need to stress this, absolutely NONE of this was due to illegal influence or intimidation from Deputy Health Minister Litzman. No way. That’s crazy! Just because he has the power to affect the careers of State Mental Health experts. Or because the police recommended his indictment on this issue for “fraud, breach of trust, and impeachment in testimony.” We’re still not convinced. Besides, Mr. Litzman spelled out multiple scenarios where he would support Leifer’s extradition.

If Malka votes for Lieberman, she can pack her bags.” Mr. Litzman informed the Daily Freier. “Or if she buys a phone with Internet Connectivity. Or, you know, if she breaks Shabbes.

The Daily Freier admonished Minister Litzman that this case and his behavior was turning a lot of average Israelis against him, but he dismissed the charge. “They should thank me! Think of how many new Hilonim that we created with this case!”