Our "Cousins"

Next Week’s Palestinian Hunger Strike is Sponsored by Tortit Chocolates!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6 September 2023 at 3:30 PM

Ramallah: With tensions rising throughout the region, Palestinian media stated today that their prisoners in Israeli jails plan a Hunger Strike starting next week. “The Palestinian freedom fighters incarcerated in Israel for their resistance to the occupation to start a hunger strike on September 14 in protest of repressive decisions against them.” reported the WAFA News Agency, which is apparently the Palestinian version of the Daily Freier (Ha Ha, Just kidding! The REAL Palestinian version of the Daily Freier is called the Daily Majnoon, and they still think we Occupied their Bandwidth.)

In related news, Tortit Chocolates is the Proud Sponsor of next week’s Hunger Strike! Tortit Chocolates rose to prominence thanks to Palestinian prisoner Marwan Barghouti, the phoniest Barghouti who does not have a PhD from Tel Aviv University. In addition to being a convicted terrorist, Mr. Barghouti is also a connoisseur of Tortit’s line of tasty yet affordable chocolate snacks. Back in 2017, Barghouti himself went on a Hunger Strike, but with snacks. He was caught on camera enjoying a delicious Tortit chocolate bar, but you can’t really trust the Right Wing Media that reported this, such as, umm, Haaretz.

In an act of Defiant Solidarity, former Palestinian prisoner/”Freshman 15″ Victim Ahed Tamimi proudly informed the Daily Freier that she too will go on a Hunger Strike, but then she asked us if we were going to finish our pizza.

 

Israelis Abroad, Start Up Nation

El Al flight delayed after Stowaway Birds refuse Mixed Gender Seating

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Mark Levy

Last Updated 8/29/2023 at 12:50 PM

Ben Gurion Airport, Terminal 3: The Times of Israel reported Monday that an El Al flight from Tel Aviv to New York was delayed due to stowaway birds in the cargo hold. Yet the story failed to report the specific reasons for the delay: numerous birds refused to sit next to birds of the opposite gender for reasons of religious modesty. The Daily Freier rushed to get the facts that the Mainstream Media refused to divulge.

“I can’t sit next to a female.” explained Nahum, a crow from Beit Shemesh. “What if she starts singing? It would be Kol Isha….except for birds.“

Itzhik, a pigeon currently getting his Smicha at a prominent coop in Bnai Brak, patiently explained the conundrum to Irit, a confused Heloni dove from Holon. “On such a long flight passengers could accidentally touch, on the shared armrest for example. Sitting next to a male bird would just make things less complicated.“

Yet it appears that not all of the birds’ claims of religious modesty were authentic. “I told that weird seagull who tried to sit next to me that I was Dati and followed Shomeret Negiya.” explained Smadar, a hoopoe from Petach Tikva. “But honestly, I just thought he was gross“. Smadar looked furtively around the cargo hold and lowered her voice. “Also, there’s a really cute hoopoe near the bulkhead who is looking for a seat.” Smadar briefly glanced at him and then looked away. “Wait, do you think he sees me?“

The El Al flight finally took off after ground personnel promised the deplaned birds that they could still visit Duty Free.

Jerusalem, Start Up Nation

Jerusalem Cafe offers dishes made 100% from ingredients they schnorred off Secret Jerusalem

(Based on a True Story!)

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/28/2023 at 1:50 PM

Jerusalem, Machane Yehuda: The city’s Foodie community is abuzz today with news of the latest Hot Pop-Up in the Machane Yehuda market. “Yoni’s Crowdsource Kitchen” has a diverse menu consisting of Israeli favorites, Italian dishes, Tapas, and even some Asian Fusion. But here’s the catch. they don’t own a refrigerator. Or a freezer. Or a pantry. Customers place their orders, then the kitchen staff go onto popular community Facebook page “Secret Jerusalem” and ask random strangers to give them the required ingredients!

So what’s going on with Secret Jerusalem that it would become Ground Zero for Ingredient Schnorring? You see, Secret Tel Aviv used to be a veritable Wildlife Preserve of Anglo Olim Public Mishigas. But the Indigenous Population were displaced by settlers Native Israelis discovered Secret Tel Aviv so now it’s lost that goofy feeling from circa 2016 when a woman publicly sought out the owners of the men’s boxers that got mixed in with her laundry at the laundromat (really), a woman tried to pimp out her cat (really), a dude tried to sell “someone else’s” porn collection (really), and Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark signed a sperm bank as an Affiliate (really). Now oversharing Anglo Olim are seeing their natural habitat shrinking, and Secret Jerusalem is their last big refuge. So basically the Anglo Olim are Marsupials and Secret Jerusalem is their Australia (try to keep up with our metaphors, OK?). Thus the Torch of Random Anglo Weirdness has been passed from Secret Tel Aviv to Secret Jerusalem.

Wait, where were we? Oh yeah, Yoni’s Crowdsource Kitchen is quickly building a loyal customer base in Jerusalem’s Central Market. To maintain their hechsher, employees from the Rabbanut will even accompany the chefs and randomly inspect the kitchens of the people who give them their ingredients. The Daily Freier stopped by to talk to some very excited customers.

“This is amazing!” gushed Rasko resident Shayna. “I just ordered a dish called “lemon chicken yakitori“. Shayna opened her phone. “Hey look, someone just went onto Secret Jerusalem and asked for soy sauce and a lemon.*  I can’t wait!“

Yet not all reviews were 100% positive. “The shakshouka was delicious but I had to wait 90 minutes.” complained Katamon resident Zachary. “Why did it take so long just to get eggs and a tomato? Did he get lost in Binyan Clal or something?”

Contrary to published reports, this bistro is NOT currently run by noted Jerusalem epicure Shimshon Leshinsky.

* Real World Non-Satire Alert: This Really happened.

Binyamin Netanyahu, Joe Biden, Protests 2023, Thomas Friedman

Biden Threatens Bibi: End Reforms Or Else Thomas Friedman Writes More Op-Eds

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/24/2023 at 11:00 PM

Washington: Israel-American relations are in deep crisis today with news that President Biden made explicit threats to Prime Minister Netanyahu: either call off judicial reforms or Thomas Friedman will continue writing his Opinion pieces about the situation. Mr. Friedman, famous pundit and taxi cab whisperer, has written a series of increasingly bizarre columns about the situation in Israel. Sources close to the White House were able to provide a partial transcript of the tense phone call.

Bibi: Hello?

Biden: Hey Bibi man, you gotta call off this Malarkey. This…. Come on, man.

(20 Second of Silence)

Bibi: What’s going on?

Biden: You want another Thomas Friedman Op-Ed? Because this is how you get another Thomas Friedman Op-Ed.

Bibi: Joe, be reasonable.

Biden: Corn Pop was a Bad Dude. But if you don’t back off this court stuff, we’re giving the Green Light to Friedman. Two Op-Eds a week, baby. We’re going to pay for all of his taxi rides for the next month. How do you like them, umm, what do you call them… them apples?

News of Biden’s hard line tactics shocked Washington insiders, who noted that Biden and Netanyahu have 40 years of history together.  Yet Israelis were just as equally shocked at the news.  Ramat Gan housewife Orit C. shared her views on the development while she waited on line with her kids at the Tel Aviv Namal McDonalds.

“Friedman’s dumb articles haunt me.”  Orit explained. “It’s like he’s a ghost. A Scary Boomer Ghost. Who won’t leave.“

For his part, Mr. Friedman was rather sanguine about these developments. “Bibi is playing Sheish Beish, but the protesters are watching Seinfeld. If King David learned to Code, then Arafat and Shimon Peres could have opened a Start-Up. If the Saudis run out of oil before Mark Zuckerberg fixes Facebook, then Elon Musk should have studied Farsi. To understand the Arab Street, you first must understand how The Smurfs changed Cairo in the 1980’s. Please, somebody stop me.”

As the story went to print, the Israeli public breathed a sigh of relief upon news that Friedman is currently busy writing a Think Piece about Bollywood, Al Gore, and Kabballah.

 

 

 

Binyamin Netanyahu, Protests 2023

Protesters! Wanna defeat Bibi? Follow our Secret Plan!

———–?
———————?
————————————?
———————————————————-?
—————————————————–———————?

1) Get more votes.

2) Win an Election.

Start Up Nation, The Israel Barbie Collection

Introducing Uri the Startup Guy, from our Barbie Israel Collection!

Welcome to the latest addition to our line of Israel-themed Barbie Dolls! Roxy Cruz has taken time out of her busy schedule of pestering her Facebook friends about the virtues of Veganism in order to bring us this new character in her evolving North Tel Aviv Soap Opera! Back in 2020 we met Covid Meirav Barbie, Ken Yuval Melech HaShuk, Yuval’s European Wife Barbie, and Yuval’s girlfriend Barbie Sigalit. In 2023, Roxy introduced us to #GirlBoss Barbie Danit and her Ex Ken Ofir HaHatir. Danit’s story was so compelling that today we bring you her husband. So without further ado, please say hello to Ken Uri the Startup Guy!

Lives in Ramat Aviv with his wife Barbie Danit and their 3 children. Runs a well-funded Online Investment Startup which he created with the $3 Million that his father gave him after Uri gave up his dream of moving to Ecuador and starting a nudity hostel.

Uri wakes up every day at 5:00 AM for no reason at all other than to watch himself in the mirror and say his affirmations. Then he takes an ice shower before he goes to run meetings at his office in Ramat HaHayal, where Uri gives vague instructions to his managers and throw tantrums like a toddler.

Goes to ‘Sexy Fish’ with Ron on the weekends and has a secret relationship with Barbie Sadie, who he met at a Feminine Power retreat.

Has a picture of Elon Musk tattooed on his butt.

* If our readers make a big enough ruckus, maybe we can nudnik Roxy into creating the “Barbie Sadie” character!

** Please do not Google “Ecuador Nudity Hostel”.

4:20, BDS, Judaism

New Cannabis so Powerful, You’ll Believe that David Mivasair is a Rabbi

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/27/2023 at 9:45 AM

Brooklyn: Authorities today are warning citizens about a disturbingly powerful new strain of marijuana that is hitting the streets. “Ontario as-a-Jew Sticky Smicha” is a brand of cannabis so powerful that after two solid bong rips you will believe that David Mivasair is actually a Rabbi. That’s right, the THC content is so high that just a small dose will have you believing that David the Canuckian BDS Activist is not just a goofy imposter. The Daily Freier spoke to NYPD Narcotics Detective Farrell who warned young people to stay away from this dangerous new high.

“I’m not Jewish myself.” explained Detective Farrell. “But I understand that a few hits of this stuff will have you believing that David isn’t just pretending to be a Rabbi in order to make it more palatable that he opposes Israel’s existence.” Detective Farrell finished his Chocolate Cruller and continued. “Three hits and you’ll think that Ariel Gold is indigenous to Spain.“

You see, Ravreverend Mivasair says he’s a Rabbi. But he works in a Church. He explained that he got his Smicha from famed Jewish Renewal Founder/LSD connoisseur Zalman Schechter. Or from a Tim Hortons in Saskatoon. It’s hard to keep the stories straight.

Yet after eating a brownie made with “Ontario as-a-Jew Sticky Smicha“, we were so high that we were nodding our heads when Monsignor Mivasair agreed that Zionism has nothing to do with Judaism. We were so baked that we didn’t wonder whether Minister Mivasair went to the bathroom each time they sang “Ki Mi Tzion“. After two hours we were eating raw cookie dough straight from the tube and forgetting that Parson Dave has a problem with teaching about the Holocaust.

The Daily Freier contacted Pastor Mivasair for comment, and he promised to Tweet his response “on Saturday right after Mincha“.

Judaism

Top Ten Signs there’s a Messianic in your Minyan

So there’s been a recent surge of news stories about Messianic Christians infiltrating Shuls, and people are suddenly waking up to a “new crisis.” Sure, the Daily Freier warned you about this in 2019, but you fools didn’t listen. Their patient and clever plan is to slowly turn us onto The Big J, but we are frankly not interested. No matter how good Bob Dylan’s “Infidels” album was.

Anyhoo, listen up because this is the last time we are going to lecture you on this disturbing topic. Unless this story goes viral, in which case we will ride those jokes until the wheels fall off. So buckle up suckers, here are the Top Ten Signs that there’s a Messianic in your Minyan:

1. He shows up on time.

2. “That’s OK, everybody wraps Tefillin a little differently.“

3. “Can we please NOT do so many L’Chaims? I need to get up early.“

4. “OMG I just LOVE Matzoh!“

5. “This Rabbi is Amazing!” (Ashkenazi Shuls Only)

6. Bibi & Sara attended his recent wedding to a popular reporter and content creator.

7. He thinks Multi-Level Marketing is “stupid” and “a rip-off“.

8. “Well it sounds like you got a pretty fair deal on your house and that you chose a good realtor.“

9. “Go ahead and pick the restaurant. A hechsher is a hechser.“

10. He found the Daily Freier’s jokes about Jesus and Afula to be in “Bad Taste”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Israel Barbie Collection

Introducing Danit, from our Barbie Israel Collection!

Please welcome the latest addition to our line of Barbie Israel products!  When last we caught up with our in-house designer Roxy Cruz, she had introduced us to Ken Ofir HaHatir. Today we meet Barbie Danit, who has a somewhat complicated “History” with Mr. Ofir HaHatir.

Also, our Legal Department asked us to remind all of you that any resemblance between our line of Barbies and actual people who may or may not live in or around Tel Aviv is strictly coincidental!

Danit lives in Ramat Aviv with her husband Ken Uri The Startup Guy, and her three children Prince, Lolla and Duke. Also their dog Steve.

Barbie Danit drinks green tea every day with her best friend, Barbie Shoshi, who is married to Ken Ron the Chef and is a busy mom and businesswoman. They both do two daily hours of meditation and manifestation, followed by one hour of affirmation and writing down their goals for the day. Then they go out in their yoga pants to run errands and attend business meetings. Neither of them do yoga.

Barbie Danit has a small store in Basel where she sells 400 shekel succulents because hashtag Bossbabe.  However, as she made only 3270 shekels this month (before Vat), Ken Uri will be investing in her business again because it’s a new business full of potential that only started in 2017 and it’s also hashtag relationship goals. Though the ROI is low, Uri the Startup Guy invests because it’s better than the DYI candle business that she had before. Also because Danit doesn’t know what ROI stands for.

Barbie Danit is going to therapy because whenever she sees her Toxic Ex of 17 years ago Ken Ofir HaHatir, (every time she goes to his falafel business by accident), she has a panic attack. Ken Uri the Startup Guy pays for the therapy sessions.

*Barbie Danit Meditation Retreat Outfit and Xanax Pills each sold separately.

Aliyah, Tel Aviv Living

Disillusioned Olah Hadasha makes Yerida

By Aaron Pomerantz & Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 5/22/2023 at 8:45 PM

Tel Aviv: Another chapter in Olim failing to acclimate to Israel has sadly just been written. Yulia the endangered seal came to our shores just weeks ago with high hopes. Yet she swam away yesterday, after an Aliyah process that those close to her describe as “difficult”.

Yulia began her journey with high hopes, with her own Instagram page dedicated to pictures of her “A-Ma-Zing” Israeli breakfast and cats that she befriended in Neve Tzedek. Yet almost immediately, things took a problematic turn. Her interactions with native Israelis proved difficult. At one point a local seal began pestering Yulia and lying about his military service, claiming he was “a Navy Seal“.

Trying to make sense of it all, The Daily Freier was able to reach out to some of Yulia’s friends. “This all happened so quickly. I just don’t understand.” lamented Yulia’s friend Jessica from Ulpan. “Is this because the French are coming next month?”

The Daily Freier also reached out to Yulia’s friend Zachary. “Yulia found a nice place on the beach and settled down. About an hour later, a realtor showed up and demanded 7,000 Shekels because he showed her the rocks.“

Yet there were many in the Community who reached out to Yulia and tried to “make it work” for her. The Daily Freier spoke with a Nefesh B’ Nefesh spokeswoman from their Jerusalem office named Bat Sheva or Elisheva or Just Sheva, and she described her efforts to find Yulia a nice beach on the Kinneret through their “Go North” program.  In addition, two young ladies from Chabad stopped by Yulia’s beach every Friday and gave her Challah and some candles. Also, when some guy on the Aliyah Support Group “Keep Olim in Israel” made fun of Yulia’s Hebrew, Liami threatened to kick his ass.

Finally, The Daily Freier reached out to some other sea creatures who left Israel with broken dreams, Ethan and Shoshanna Jellyfish. “This doesn’t have to be the end.” explained Shoshanna. “Maybe Yulia can come back for a MASA program in the Fall.” Shoshanna thought for a moment and continued. “I bet MASA has a program for sea creatures. They have a program for everything!“