So the United States Embassy in Jerusalem decided that they want to be the Capitol of Buzzkills, because nobody can get appointments for nothing. We don’t want to say we called it, but back in 2021 we kinda called it. You see, the Embassy has been in a bit of a funk ever since they had to move from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. Then Covid arrived and the virus became the perfect reason for government employees not to do things like “their jobs”.
But now it’s 2023, and The People are restless. How do we know this? Because we’re Anglo Olim; and if there are two things that Anglo Olim love, it’s complaining and WhatsApp groups. Right now we are on a bunch of these groups, where Olim are complaining and sending around petitions demanding that the Embassy give us some appointments.
Will the petition do any good? Here at The Daily Freier we like to speak in riddles. So behold: a list of Ten Things that will happen before you get your appointment at the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem!
“Fiddler on the Roof” duet featuring Matisyahu & Roger Waters!
Kerem House thinks your idea for an event is just Too Crazy to work.
Soldier on your Taglit trip wants a commitment before things go any further.
Bartender works at Mike’s Place for over a month.
Hen Mazzig & Ariel Gold move to Spain together.
Allenby doesn’t smell like pee today.
“Asking for a friend” post on Secret Tel Aviv is actually asking for a friend.
“I’m going back to Ulpan next year!”
Your friend comes back from Midburn but doesn’t really have much to say about it.
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Start-Up Nation has done it again! Basking in the amazing success of his Speech at the Israel Bonds Conference in Washington, Israeli Politician Bezalel Smotrich is now in high demand as a translator of Tel Aviv menus. But one lucky Pub on Dizengoff Boulevard drew first honors. You know the Pub. It’s the one with the really long benches outside and the hot but indifferent wait staff. Not that one. The other one.
You see, Israeli restaurants have to endure the VERY UNFAIR stereotype that their English menus were written with a combination of Google Translate, Indian Tech Support, and reruns of “Friends”. Anyhoo, The Daily Freier spoke to Alon, one of the Pub’s 12 owners about this new business model.
“This menu will be the best for tourists who want to sit on a beer, no?” enthused Alon. “Maybe they can order a plate of laziness.”
“Do you mean lasagna?” inquired The Daily Freier. But Alon looked at us like we were high.
Finally, The Daily Freier contacted Mr. Smotrich himself about this exciting new business opportunity.
“Thanks for you face in me. My land Grandmeizer would be so proud.” stated Mr. Smotrich. “There is a sorting way that these Menus must be wrote. The Elephant is in the Room!“
As the Daily Freier went to print, we learned that Prime Minister Netanyahu has hired former President George W. Bush as an English Language tutor for Smotrich.
Jerusalem, The Dung Gate: With inter-communal tension in Israel on the rise, police today prevented a potentially serious escalation in Jerusalem’s Old City. A Reform Jewish activist aroused the suspicion of Police as he attempted to enter the Western Wall Plaza. When police searched his WGBH Boston totebag, they discovered a tambourine and some Debbie Friedman bootlegs. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all the facts.
As the suspect was led away in handcuffs, the Daily Freier asked security personnel just what aroused their suspicion. A police spokesman named Assaf answered our questions. “We get a lot of Jerusalem Syndrome here, but this was different. When we asked the suspect what he was doing at the Kotel, he mentioned Tikkun Olam. A lot. He really mentioned Tikkun Olam a lot.”
The Daily Freier then asked Assaf about the suspect’s current state of health and welfare. “At first he was very upset and refused to stop singing ‘Bim Bam’ again and again.” Assaf explained. “But we gave him some back issues of Tikkun Magazine and a nice carob cake. He seems happy.“
The Daily Freier then contacted Jerusalem’s Hebrew Union College and asked if they had anything to do with today’s disturbance. A faculty member named “Rabbi Danny” disputed our line of questioning. “These stereotypes have got to stop. You act like Reform Rabbis walk around barefoot in Shul all day when we’re not busy composting. This simply is not True.“ **
News of the arrest spread like wildfire throughout Israel. “This meddling by so-called Reform Jews is unacceptable and an insult to our Community.” fumed a spokesperson for the United Torah Judaism Party. “Now if you will excuse me, we need to block the extradition of an accused sex offender to Australia.“
As the article went to press, the entire Rabbinical Class from HUC was standing outside of the police station holding candles and singing “Shalom Rav” while some of the students played the guitar.
** Real World Alert: We did in fact visit a Shul where the Rabbi wasn’t wearing any shoes. But in fairness, he was Masorti. Zero points awarded for guessing that this happened in Tel Aviv.
Who among us is not beyond excited for the next season of Fauda? With Season 4 already on the streets, we now have a new excuse to stay home and socially distance from all you weirdos. Yes it is the talk of the town, and now that it’s on Netflix, it also gives you something to talk about with your relatives in Chul! But (SPOILER ALERT!) there are some crazy plot twists coming up in Season 5, and the Daily Freier has the inside scoop! Here are just a few of the twists and turns that the writers and actors have in store for us next season!
1) Doron chases suspect into Dizengoff Center but gets lost and walks around for a 3-episode story arc
2) Hamas suicide bomber thwarted after heroic scooter riders knock him over on the Tel Aviv Tayelet
3) Doron, Sagi, and Captain Ayub buy an old beat-up van and go on stakeout dressed as Nachmanis
4) Weird subplot about a cranky washed-up British rock star from the 1960’s who dislikes most Jews
5) Nurit almost gets killed after she insists on stopping at the Brussels Airport Duty Free
6) Mossad starts using Anglo Olim speaking Hebrew over the phone in order to confuse Hezbollah
7) Mossad equally confused by Anglo Olim speaking Hebrew over the phone
8) Captain Ayub yells at the Team after they all share the same Netflix password and blow their cover
9) Episode One is just Sagi waiting for an informant to come up the escalator in Yitzhak Navon train station
10) Doron suspended after he forces a prisoner to listen to John Kerry speeches for 48 hours straight
Tel Tzion: “It’s like early Purim! The evil decree has been lifted and we are free again!” exclaimed Rivky, a resident of Tel Tzion who is busy planning a Bar Mitzvah and a Bat Mitzvah. “My son’s Bar Mitzvah is in Iyar… I didn’t want to choose between buying plasticware and soda drinks …. or buying tefillin for him. A boy can always borrow tefillin, but it is literally impossible to make a simcha without plastic plates. Baruch Hashem, this evil tax has been repealed just in time.“
We spoke to some of Rivky’s friends, many of whom recently had Bar and Bat Mitzvah celebrations and asked them how they managed. “My brother was coming in from New Jersey, so he brought us a suitcase of plastic plates.” explained one friend. “Now that Israel has Ziplocs , he had a lot of extra room in his luggage.”
“We ordered plasticware on Amazon…. Baruch Hashem they have free shipping to Israel!” noted Rivky’s friend Rochel.
Another friend quietly confided that she had taken a second job off-the-books (in addition to her regular off-the-books job) in order to buy all the plasticware for her kids’ smachot.
We asked the women if, in light of recent events, they were now supportive of the current government. “I’m happy that they repealed the plastics tax.” noted Rivky. “But I’m sure I’ll always find another reason to hate the government.”
Tel Aviv, Trumpeldor Cemetery: Guess What? “Secret Tel Aviv” just built a Geniza! That’s right, the venerable Tel Aviv online institution has created a dignified burial/storage spot for all the fantastically bizarre posts that once peppered the site back in the era of 2014-2020 when it was specifically populated by goofy Anglo Olim with LOTS of issues and was way more bizarre and fun than it is today. You see, Secret Tel Aviv was new Olim’s first encounter with Israel. It was at this site that we learned about the woman who tried to pimp out her cat (really), Secret Tel Aviv’s affiliate with a sperm bank (really), also the German ballet instructor and his Israeli husband who used Secret Tel Aviv to try to get their legally blind, prudish, anti-social dog laid (really). So we are talking about a lot of classic content. The Daily Freier caught up with Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark as he supervised the construction of the Geniza in Tel Aviv’s Trumpeldor Cemetery.
Jonny led us to the Geniza, which is a shack near the northwest corner of Trumpeldor Cemetery (Just go in the front, take your first left, pass Arik Einstein, and take a right when you see Bernard Lewis. Pass Max Nordau and walk another 50 meters.) Johnny was sitting with several members of the Tel Aviv Rabbanut as an intern carefully folded a 2015 post from a guy who was looking for a Rave party that offered babysitting. “There is so much history that will simply disappear if we don’t do something.” explained Mr. Stark as he glanced at several random complaints about the French from the Summer of 2016. As Jonny spoke, the Daily Freier noticed a pile of papers crumpled up in a dusty corner. “What’s that?” we inquired. Mister Stark stared thoughtfully for a moment and replied. “Those are posts from every Oleh in 2015 who asked about the best place for Israeli Breakfast and/or when the buses start running after Shabbat.“
The Daily Freier then asked one of the Rabbis (named Yossi) about the Rabbanut’s role in this important archival endeavor. Rabbi Yossi explained. “Some people think that Tel Aviv is just a hive of hedonistic idiots. Last month I met a guy who wouldn’t eat at Bodega because he didn’t like the Tel Aviv Rabbanut Hechsher (Editor’s Note: This Really Really Happened. Also, Bodega is Awesome.). Did he picture us sitting around waxing our surfboards, cutting the sleeves off our t-shirts, charging our electric bikes, and lying to Taglit girls about our Army service? …. So Yeah, setting up this Geniza just seemed like a good way to put some of the weird stuff behind us and move on.”
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we told Jonny that it’s not too late to turn back time and return Secret Tel Aviv to its former glory of women looking for the owner of the men’s boxer shorts in their laundry basket at the laundromat, rather than silly pursuits like helping people find careers.
Welcome back to “Dear Daily Freier”, an advice column run by the remarkably unqualified! This week we take the questions of our favorite pen pal, Sari Ellen, who has some issues with a certain jerk Transportation App….
Dear Daily Freier:Hi-oosh!! So last Thursday night, last minute, there was an ad in my girls-only WhatsApp group for a Female Side of the Moon/Cacao Ceremony/Sound Bath Ritual. Only 500 sheks!! WOW!! I hadn’t had a Sound Bath in a week, so I was, like, yalla!!
I paid. Got my e-ticket. Yada yada yada.
I quickly stripped off two layers of clothes; then added the big boots, nine chains and my shih tzu, Schmutzy. I was on my way.
Problem arose when I opened my Moovit app so it could do its thing directing me to the appropriate bus.
In the sweet early days when Moovit and I first got together, Moovit had been super supportive. I’d paid for the ad-free version and Moovit seemed genuinely fascinated by wherever I wanted to go. Moovit listened, he really listened. Noted my preferences. Repeatedly asked when, and precisely how, I yearned to arrive. I’d type in my destination and Moovit figured out the rest. We just worked. No interruptions. No digressions into Incognito Mode to sneak off with another rider. I didn’t think I was misreading the signals. Moovit seemed to be truly madly deeply focused on me.
I wondered, could Moovit be The One? The app of my dreams? Should I tell my folks in New Jersey? I couldn’t have been happier. Our interaction was satisfying, like pure pleasure. And so, last Thursday, when I told Moovit where I wanted to go, same as I had many times before, the only thing I expected was yet another smooth easy ride.
As always, Moovit set out the route from my home to the closest bus stop. Then Moovit told me when my bus would arrive. I did my share, too. Made it to the bus stop on time. Patiently waited. Six minutes. Five minutes. Four minutes. Three minutes. Two minutes. One minute. Then Moovit said “Now.” Y’know how that goes, right? My bus was coming “Now.”
Only no bus ever came. I stared into the distance. Gajillion trucks, buses, cars, vans, motorcycles, e-bikes, scooters. Everything but the bus I was expecting. I couldn’t believe Moovit would let me down. For another five minutes Moovit insisted my bus was coming “Now.”
And I believed. I really did. But then the word “Now” disappeared from my screen.
My bus was gone. Like how does a whole bus disappear? And how could Moovit have ghosted me like that? Without warning. Not one single waving red flag.
I’ve been very perplexed ever since. Is this the Universe’s way of telling me I should return to New Jersey? Can a bus be commitment-phobic? I mean, after all, we’re talking Tel Aviv. Should I keep waiting at the bus stop? Or, maybe, should I look up that bartender, Dudi, who offered me a ride to wherever I wanted to go…. whenever…. wherever….
Only not to his apartment, because Dudi says that his roommates are almost always home. Also, most of his roommates believe that they’re his kids, while another seems to think that she’s his wife.
Signed,
Good Vibes Only
Dear Good Vibes Only,
You should totally rebound with that sketchy app Waze who lives in the Shuk but takes his laundry home to his mom in Hadera every weekend.
(Editors Note: If you think this is the first time that the Daily Freier has used Tel Aviv’s public transportation system as a metaphor for boy problems, you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.)
Jerusalem: The Jerusalem Anglo Scene is in turmoil with news today that one of this Summer’s Fun Couples is On The Outs. Shayna and Zachary, who met in late July on the escalators in the Jerusalem Yitzhak Navon Train Station, are in fact still on the escalators…. and just broke off their engagement. You see, the kinda new High Speed Train from Tel Aviv is kinda fast, but it drops you off about 11,000 meters below the city (Don’t question our Numbers. This is Science.) So unless you want to risk getting hip-checked while you jockey for a precious spot on the elevator, you’re going to be on the Escalator for a LONG TIME. Which is great if you want to “meet cute” like Shayna and Zachary, but after a while it just gets old. The Daily Freier was on the scene to find out just where It All Went Wrong.
”I just need to think about my future.” confided Shayna. “Yesterday I asked Zachary where this all is even going. You know what he said? ‘To the top.’…. This is exhausting.”
“What’s he even doing with his life?” Shayna continued as we stepped onto the next escalator. “I mean, he’s always just sort of ‘around’. Does he even WORK?” Shayna sighed with exasperation. “Just what Jerusalem needs… another guy without a real job.”
“Look at him. He’s mentally checked out.” Shayna noted as Zachary fiddled with his phone. “What could he possibly be doing that’s so important?” At that moment, Zachary turned around with an announcement. “Wow, today’s Wordle is Impossible!”
As Shayna rummaged through her purse for some gum, we had a chance to talk to Zachary, who had misgivings of his own. “Ever since we met it just feels like I can’t even control my next step.” he complained as we continued upward. Zachary then fearfully looked in all directions from the escalator. “I feel trapped.”
As The Daily Freier ended the interview, Zachary and Shayna seemed to have reconciled while sharing a laugh about a weird/funny Jerusalem restaurant review by Shimshon Leshinksy.
(Based on a True Story! We changed the name of the Olim! And the dog!)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 9/3/2022 at 5:30 PM
Tel Aviv: The nation was rocked yesterday by shocking news that threatens the Zionist ethos of Aliyah to its very core. Responding to an angry email from Liami published reports, Israel’s Misrad Klita (Ministry of Absorption) admitted that the “Va’ad Bayit” does not actually exist. That’s right, the additional maintenance fees that Olim have dutifully paid each month to their Building’s “Superintendent” was just a giant prank/scam that Israelis have been playing on Olim since the 1970’s. The Daily Freier set out to get to the bottom of this disturbing story.
The Daily Freier met with recent British Oleh David S., the heroic Whistleblower who first uncovered this deception. “A woman in my Building yelled at me about all of the hair that my dog Fred was leaving in the stairwell.” David explained. “I told her that I pay 100 Shekels monthly Va’ad Bayit to my Landlord and that it’s not my problem. She stared at me for ten seconds and then told me that there is no Va’ad Bayit in the Building.” (Real World Editor’s Note: This. Really. Happened.)
In our Quest for the Truth, the Daily Freier then met with American Oleh Danny C. “Each month I get a note on my door explaining who owes Va’ad Bayit, what the money goes toward, and when the next Building meeting will take place. So on the day of the Building Meeting, I knocked on my neighbor’s door and asked where everyone else was. He looked at me like I was on drugs. I told him that according to the memo, this was where the Building Meeting was taking place. He told me that they don’t actually have meetings.” Danny stared into space for a minute and then continued. “I heard that he got in a lot of trouble for telling me the truth.” (Real World Editor’s Note: This. Also. Really. Happened.)
Finally, the Daily Freier spoke with one of the many perpetrators of the scam, Tel Aviv resident Irit M. “Every year we take the Va’ad Bayit money and have a party in HaYarkon Park with balloons and a Bouncy Castle for the kids.” Irit explained. “We wait for a day that none of the Olim in our building will be around. Sometimes we contact Misrad Klita and ask them to call the Olim in for fake ridiculous appointments about their education benefits or something.“
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we asked Irit just how this scheme was able to go on for so long. “Because you Olim are SO Gullible!” Irit chuckled. “I bet you still think that the Hebrew language has vowels!”
Tel Aviv: The world of Anglo-infused Israeli satire is in shambles today after Authorities ordered The Daily Freier to retract a recent story or face stiff financial penalties. Earlier this week the Daily Freier published a humorous story in which Abu Yair Former Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu trolled his political opponents by invoking photos of Outer Space taken by The USA’s National Aeronautics and Space Administration. It was a story in which Bibi compared Pluto’s planet/non-planet status to the Blue and White Party’s shaky power-sharing agreement between Benny Gantz and Yair Lapid. A simple, cute story with a funny punchline involving Naftali Bennet’s kippah.
Little did we know that Mr. Netanyahu would in fact temporarily become a “Twitter Reply Guy”, taking a seemingly innocent NASA tweet about Jupiter as an opportunity to mock Gantz and Lapid. With our satirical story no longer clearly satirical, officials from Israel’s Bureau of Journalistic Standards arrived this morning at the Daily Freier’s office in Dizengoff Center with a Court Order.
“This is a disaster.” lamented Daily Freier writer Aaron Pomerantz. “Something like this has never happened to us. I mean, not since 2016.“
Reactions to Netanyahu’s Tweet in the community were immediate. “This is unprecedented!” noted Tel Aviv web developer Doron R. “Bibi’s Trolling is such absolute Bullshit…it’s…. it’s Majestic!”
(photo credit: Wikipedia)
