Ariel Gold dumps Hen Mazzig for Pine Tree

“Seriously Pine?”

By Emily Goldstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/23/2021 at 5:00 PM

Ithaca: And that’s Hen’s heart that’s breaking down this long-distance line tonight, but he ain’t missing Ariel at all. Since she’s been gone away. He ain’t missing her. No matter what his friends say…. Wait, where were we? Oh yeah. Noted anti-Zionist Ariel Gold has ended her tumultuous relationship with Mossad-funded Hasbara Guy Hen Mazzig. That’s right, the BDS/Zionist Power Couple is no more, before we could even think of a cute name for them like “Bennifer“.

For the past couple of years, self-described Jew-indigenous-to-Spain Ariel Gold feuded with Hen on the Internets, leading to such gems as the time she criticized his shirtless selfie, an amazing online debate for which the Daily Freier created Bingo cards, and the time Ariel tried to kidnap Hen’s pet rabbit. Sure, they broke up from time to time while Ariel yelled at Morton Klein or Ben Shapiro, but they always managed to continue their tumultuous online relationship.

So it was with heavy heart that the Daily Freier discovered that Ariel had recently dumped Hen. For a pine tree. Last week noted British actor Eddie Marsan wrote a nice post on Twitter about a tree planted in his honor by the Jewish Community of the United Kingdom. It all went downhill from there, with Ms. Gold replying with accusations of stolen land, ethnic cleansing, and… (checks notes) ….promoting forest fires. That’s right, there is another target of Ariel’s Anti-Zionist Righteous Indignation, and it’s a Pine Tree named Ido currently growing in the Shfela Region just south of Tel Gezer. With Ido the Pine Tree suddenly the new target of Ariel’s online activism/diary entries, naturally Hen began feeling like the losing end of an Evergreen Love Triangle. The Daily Freier contacted Mr. Mazzig for his take on Ariel branching out leaving breaking up with him for a member of the Coniferous family.

I still haven’t processed this.” lamented Hen while staring at his coffee hafuch. “This is a complete shock. Just last week I was picking out a house for us in our indigenous land…. near Barcelona.”

The Daily Freier tried to cheer Hen up, noting that there were plenty of wacky and performative BDS activists from the Finger Lakes Region out there waiting to meet him, but he was inconsolable. “I’ve been dumped before for other men, for other women, once even for a cat. But what Ariel has done is the most humiliating thing I’ve ever experienced. I feel like I’ve been cuckolded by Etz HaHayim.

We had more questions for Mr. Mazzig but he cut the interview short “because it’s time for Mincha.” As we got up to leave, we could hear Hen praying “Shema Spain Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Ehad.

 


Editor’s Note: If you think this is the last you’re going to hear from Ido the Pine Tree, then you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.

 

Top Ten Reasons the Irish Embassy Drunk Tweeted at Israel

Apparently we are all back in High School, because this week our Frenemies at the Irish Embassy stayed up until Midnight in order to find our photo in the Yearbook and draw devil horns on our heads and blacken our teeth send a nasty Tweet and then delete it. Yet much like the timeless music of The Corrs, the Internet is Forever and we have screenshots.  One would think that Ireland would admire a country that actually managed to completely evict the British, but no. Ireland is upset that Israel is cracking down on all the PFLP-affiliated charities that they fund. They even took the time to complain about that tiny kerfuffle back in 2010 when Israel (Allegedly!) flew to Dubai and knocked off one of their friends in Hamas using tennis rackets, bad wigs, and Irish passports. So this is where our relationship is now.

Yet in the spirit of Goodwill, the Daily Freier set out to get the Irish Government’s side of the story. So we spent the week lurking in their favorite watering holes and BDS Chatrooms in order to get the Top Ten reasons that they angrily drunk tweeted us. Here they are, for your reading pleasure.


1) Gerry Adams keeps tickling us.

2) Daylight Savings Time

3) Was reading “The Merchant of Venice” for the 47th time and dozed off. 

4) You always end up hurting the ones you love.

5) You killed Christ.

6) Gal Gadot still won’t return our phone calls.

7) Roger Waters came to us in a dream and instructed us to do this.

8) Yeah, we dream about Roger Waters like twice a week.

9) Leprechauns!

10) We’re really busy and don’t want invites to any Chanukah parties.


#ErinGoShtupYourselves

“This is the End!” Yeshiva Bochers react to Tax on Disposable Utensils

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/4/2021 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem, Neve Yaakov: I feel personally victimized…. by this government!  This obviously anti-religious bill attacks me personally!” lamented Yisroel M, a 20-year-old yeshiva student, describing his feelings about the new tax on disposable plasticware. “If the Yeshiva wanted us to do dishes, they should have put dishwashers in our dorm rooms, but all they gave us was a ‘negel vasser’ sink in the middle of the kitchenette.

When my sister Shevy in Sanhedriya heard the news she tore keriya.” Yisroel explained. “As a mom with seven small children, how does anyone expect her to wash dishes? Between her unlicensed gan that she runs out of her house and her cash-only sheitel washing business, she doesn’t have time. With this extra expense, she’s looking for another job….. a few of her neighbors approached her to join their shady MLM.

We wanted to speak with Shevy but Yisroel warned us not to. “She’s just going to pester you about when you’re going to America next and if you can bring her back some plastic plates in your luggage.” he admonished. “Our aunt just visited and half her suitcase was filled with American toilet paper! What’s wrong with Shevy? Can’t she just order it on Amazon like everyone else?

Yisroel offered us a cup of grainy instant coffee from his yeshiva lounge as we discussed his distrust of coercive government. “They tax stuff we really need …because they’re telling us what to do! I’m an independent thinker, nobody tells me what to do…. except for my Rosh Yeshiva.”

As we left, Yisroel noted that he was afraid the government would impose taxes on other things that he loved in order to try to make him buy less of them. “What if they taxed black pants that don’t reach my ankles? Or buying cholent Thursday night? Or imagine if they put a tax …. on our cigarettes!

Promising young Captain washes out of Joint Planning course

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/19/2021 at 2:00 PM

Joint Base McGuire-Dix, New Jersey: A junior officer described by superiors as having “tremendous potential” washed out of his Joint Planning Course this week. The Captain, who goes by “Mark”, was summoned to a closed-door meeting with the School Commandant on Monday after the catastrophic failure of his Course Capstone Project. The assignment, which he kept on a floppy disc labeled “Kabul Airport“, ended ignominiously for the Captain, and also crashed the building’s server. The Daily Freier stopped by the Schoolhouse to get some answers.

The signs were all there.” complained Mr. Higgins, a retired Air Force Logistics Planner. “He answered his phone in the middle of my Classified lecture on Redeployment. When I yelled at him, he said that it was ‘Woodward’ and that he had to take the call.” Mr. Higgins took a sip from his coffee mug and stared out the window toward the flightline. “Also, he blamed a Supply shortfall on White Fragility.”

The Daily Freier then spoke to some of Mark’s classmates. “At first he seemed like a motivated officer. Decorations and assignments all checked out.” mused a Navy Chief. “But during our group project on Base Defense, he kept wandering off to read “The 1619 Project”.  Honestly, I blame his NCO’s for not nipping this in the bud.”

As the Daily Freier prepared to leave, we bumped into Mark, who insisted that his final project wasn’t really due “until sometime in the Spring“. We pressed Mark on the accuracy of this response, but he told us that he was “late for a Board Meeting at Raytheon“.

Sally Rooney’s fight for Chick-Lit Intersectional Justice, by Jeremy Corbyn

Many us share a love for Young Adult Womens’ literature, but found it lacked a particular focus on boycotting a certain country. A country populated by certain Rootless Cosmopolitans who lacked a capacity for British irony. A country located to the Southwest of Syria, a nation whose leader I consider a friend. So imagine how chuffed I was upon hearing the news that Sally Rooney has decided not to translate her works into Hebrew.

As I told my comrades in the Islington Gardening Allotment this morning, Chick Lit finally has a champion in the struggle to erase the Zionist Entity for Palestine.  Sally’s books now truly have “something for everyone”. Our steadfast colleague Diane Abbott noted that Sally’s female protagonists “display terrible choices in men that remind me of some of the choices that I once made as a young woman.” I’m not sure what she’s referring to, but it sounds like a rather authentic endorsement.

Ms. Rooney’s stand is truly a breath of fresh air. For too many months, the Progressive Left in this nation has been hectored by a series of reactionary Kulaks Blairites spinning yarns such as “Why did Corbyn’s Labour rallies feature a sea of Palestinian flags but no Union Jacks?” Yet what these critics don’t understand is that the Northern Counties that abandoned Labour were not interested in jobs or their childrens’ education. Rather, they were waiting for a Woke Novelist to rally the Proletariat in the Struggle for Palestine.

Ms. Rooney, please consider yourself invited to my next High Tea at the House of Commons.

Haaretz discovers new Gods that it can disappoint

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 10/12/2021 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv (Surprise!): Summer might be over, but for Haaretz it’s still apparently Four-Twenty. That’s right, the uniquely ridiculous Lefty News Institution on the other side of town has apparently dipped into the edibles again, because they just discovered some new Gods that they will no doubt soon disappoint with their self-absorbed goofy schtick. You see, our friends at Haaretz are like a gift. A gift that once allowed us to write a story about a performance artist at a Haaretz cultural symposium who threw oranges at the audience and stuck a flag in his tuchus (This. Really. Happened.). So growing into a disappointment to other deities besides the Yud Hey Vav Hey isn’t really a stretch. The Daily Freier launched an intensive flurry of investigative journalism, tracking down several of these deities on their alternative planes of existence.

I just feel that Gideon Levy’s writing is getting so…. derivative.” complained Thoth the Egyptian deity of Wisdom and Science as he languished on the shores of the Nile. “And don’t get me started on Amira Hass. She just seems nuts…..Can I say that? Is that offensive?  My kid just came back from Oberlin and said that I’m ‘part of the problem’. I’m honestly having a hard time keeping track of the new rules.

The Daily Freier then spoke with Ishtar, the Akkadian Goddess of Love and Beauty. “I like going out with my girlfriends on Fridays to check out a new cafe or maybe a gallery opening, so I still get the weekend paper delivered to my flat in Neve Tzedek. But their online English edition just seems insane.” Ishtar took a sip of her Tubi and stared into the distance. “So what’s Bradley Burston upset about this week?

In order to ensure impartiality, the Daily Freier spoke with HaShem, who was dwelling just outside of Tzfat in a reality beyond human concepts of Time and Space. “I know that Schocken has been trying to bait me for years, so right now I’m giving him the silent treatment.” mused the Tetragrammaton as (your favorite pronoun) absentmindedly created a new marsupial. “For years I’ve been complaining about Haaretz to Thor, Quetzalcoatl, and Vishnu at our Sunday poker games…. now maybe they will see what I’ve been dealing with.”

As the Daily Freier was about to end our Zoom call with the Lord of Hosts, we could have sworn that we overheard The Creator offering to trade Haaretz to the Gentiles for Dolly Parton and Chinese food.

Amazon free shipping: a New Year Miracle!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 9/8/2021 at 2:30 PM

Jerusalem: Geula is upon us! As the month of Elul continues, Israelis have miraculously united. Instead of the Internets being filled with Lashon Hara, Sinat Chinam and endless debates about vaccines, Israelis of all stripes have come together in the spirit of Ahavat Yisrael. That’s because they’re sharing Amazon links for free shipping on fluffy towels, kitchen gadgets, and jumbo sized boxes of those little Ziploc bags that you still can’t find in Israel.

This free Amazon shipping is like the Beis haMikdash.” explained Jerusalem Yeshiva Bochur Uri L. “Am Yisroel got it, but we didn’t deserve it, so it got taken away. We cried and repented and mercifully we got it again, but our Averios caused us to lose it again.” Uri grabbed a handful of sunflower seeds and continued. “Now, it’s like the 3rd temple has been given to us.”

Desperate for answers, the Daily Freier asked Uri for his theory on exactly how we managed to merit such miracles like free shipping. “It’s because we Sephardim were getting up for slichos.” Uri’s roommate Yaakov chimed in. “No, it’s because of kabbalistic reasons.” Nachman, Uri’s other roommate argued “You see, Elul has a special mazal.” Hearing their discussion from the hallway, their classmate Shneorr Zalman interjected by quoting a Maamar from the Rebbe. Frustrated at his friends, Uri cried out “No, all of you guys are wrong! We got this bracha because Am Yisroel is totally unified!”

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Uri asked us if we wanted to join him in a vitamin multi-level marketing balagan “after the Chagim.

Old School: Tel Aviv man doesn’t need Wolt job to be a Total Dick

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/22/2021 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Ibn Gavriol: Tel Aviv: Tel Aviv residents “in the know” are facing a dramatic new reality: You don’t need to work for Wolt to be a total dick.* The city has re-discovered a Tel Aviv icon named Dan who is proving once again that being a total dick is a state of mind that should not depend on working for a company where the drivers appear to be encouraged to run over pedestrians on the sidewalk, block bike lanes, and ignore crosswalks.

You see, the Daily Freier first met Dan G. in 2015 when he refused to give in to the Knife Intifada and instead kept going about his business of being a jerk. Next, we caught up with Dan in 2019 when he proved that with an e-scooter, one did not actually need a car to park like a dick. But now Dan is taking a stand once again, insisting that he does not need to work for Wolt to maintain his credential as a total zayin. The Daily Freier caught up with Dan to hear his side of the story.

“You see that?” Dan asked, motioning to a Wolt driver jumping a curb and almost hitting a woman before blocking the sidewalk with his bike and walking into a restaurant to grab an order. “That’s amateur hour. Call me when you double park your car, walk into a supermarket, then cut the line claiming you were there before and just left for a moment.”

The Daily Freier asked Dan if he felt that the proliferation of Wolt drivers doing mildly sociopathic things was diluting his own personal brand of being a dick. “That’s a good question.” Dan mused as he stood in the bike lane forcing cyclists onto the sidewalk. “The Covid epidemic and the rise of takeout food allowed a lot of these guys the opportunity to get paid while making life difficult for others. But what’s going to happen after Corona?” Dan thought for a moment as his unleashed dog chased another dog. “They’re going to learn that their blue insulated delivery bag was just a crutch.”

As the Daily Freier ended the interview, a Wolt deliveryman asked us to step off of the narrow sidewalk into the street so he could pass more easily. Dan stared at him for a moment in silent awe.

OK, now I’m impressed.


*But it helps.

Peter Beinart Named Israel’s Next Top Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Brooklyn: There was celebration in the air last night when the election results were announced. That’s right, Peter Beinart was nominated to serve as Israel’s Next Top Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.* The prestigious award is bestowed upon the former friend of Israel whose Personal Journey has taken them the furthest on the Crazy Train to Woketown. While many worthy aspirants entered this year’s contest, in the end Mr. Beinart was the one who stood above the rest.

Remember your ex? The one who stole your goldfish? And when you asked for them back, (Preferred Pronoun) sent you a mix-tape of songs that you once listened to together, each with a clue as to where (Pronoun) hid the fishbowl? Well that Ex has a name, and it’s Peter.

(This story is published today on Israellycool. Check it out!)

“Meet your contact at the Koisel”: Mossad now recruiting Sem Girls

(*Inspired by a Tweet! )

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 7/1/2021 at 12:30 PM

Jerusalem: Exciting news is afoot at Israel’s Intelligence Agency, as the Mossad has begun recruiting its newest agents from Israel’s Seminaries. This story seemed too crazy to be real, but according to our local Mossad Agent/avid Daily Freier reader “Yuval”, it’s legit. We caught up with Yuval waiting on line at the Post Office and he filled us in on their new strategy.

We started out recruiting Yeshiva Bochers but it didn’t really work out.” Yuval explained. “The Frum guys couldn’t gather information because they literally didn’t know how to talk to women and were always staring at the ground….. and the Modern Orthodox guys quickly blew their cover bragging to all the Birthright girls how they were Secret Agents. So now we just recruit Sem girls.

Yuval introduced us to his newest recruits: Dassie, Shevy and Chavie. Our first question was whether their bulletproof black tights and pleated denim skirts were a uniform issued by the Mossad. “No!” Dassie laughed and explained that she was dressed totally differently from her co-agents. You see, she had bought her skirt at a shop “near the Tachana Merkazayis” while Shevy had bought hers “on Emek…..near fro-yo.” (Editor’s Note: We still don’t know what this means.)

These girls can be speaking Hebrew, but between their heavy American accents and that yeshivish Ashkenazi pronunciation, nobody understands them!” Yuval enthused. “They can have Top Secret conversations in broad daylight!”  Yuval then lowered his voice and asked us if we knew what the word “Koisel” meant. He’s heard the new recruits use it and is genuinely baffled.

Next, we then tested the girls’ powers of deduction by letting them look at our Facebook page for 2 minutes. Chavie pointed to a halfway-obstructed blurry group photo showing a young man standing behind a tree. “That guy’s from Teaneck, he was in Yeshiva with my cousin Yitzie. Give me a second and I’ll find his Shidduch resume and I’ll tell you how many generations back we’re related.

Finally, we asked these highly-trained girls if they had plans to continue in the Intel field after they finished seminary.

I dunno, kinda wanted to run a Gan out of my house after I get married.” replied Shevy.

I’ll probably take a course in OT/PT after I get married.” said Dassie.

Wait!” said Chavie. “Are you saying that I can still work for the Mossad after I get married and move back to Lakewood?