Jewish Voice for Peace hires Hanin Zoabi

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/9/2019 at 1:20 PM

Oakland: In an amazing coup, the Anti-Israel’s Existence Anti-Occupation NGO “Jewish Voice for Peace” just hired Hanin Zoabi to be their newest “Director of Outreach”!  Jewish Voice for Peace (Street Name: “The Ridiculous JVP“) snapped up the talented but soon to be unemployed anti-Israel-but-an-Israeli Knesset Member just as soon as it was obvious that Hanin would not make the cut of her Balad Party’s candidates in the upcoming Israeli election. The Daily Freier spoke with JVP Executive Director Rebecca Vilkomerson to find out just how they were able to hire the Knesset’s most easygoing and chill member.

This was not a traditional move.” explained Ms. Vilkomerson. Ms. Zoabi might not meet your outdated and racist definition of ‘Jewish’. And her ideas might not meet your outdated and racist definition of ‘Peace’ either. But her voice is just fine.” The Daily Freier asked Ms. Vilkomerson if her definition of “racist” was “people to the right of me who I disagree with” and she nodded in agreement and we continued the interview.

Incidentally, this power move by Jewish Voice for Peace has caused quite a ruckus among its allies on the Sorta-Jewish-But-Dislikes-Most-Other-Jews-Intersectional-Left. In fact, many of JVP’s peers reacted to the move with a mixture of excitement tinged with Envy. “OMG, they hired Zoabi? I wanted to have her write our special edition for Yom HaAtzmaut this year. Damn their luck!” fumed The Forward’s Opinion Editor Batya Ungar-Sargon. “Please excuse me, but I hear that Hen Mazzig just brushed his teeth with water from The Occupation and I need to go write a 700 word blog post on why this is NOT OK……Wait, do you think I’m acting clingy and obsessed?

For her part, Ms. Zoabi was looking forward to this new career move. “They asked me to plan a nice mixer in the Spring, so I’m thinking ‘Boat Ride’, you know? Rebecca just LOVED the idea, but I’m afraid to break it to her that Hamas vetoed the Open Bar and dance-off competitions. But It’s just refreshing to work with people who share my values.” Ms. Zoabi smiled slightly and continued. “Who knows, maybe I will meet someone nice!

We wanted to continue our chat, but Ms. Zoabi had to say goodbye. “They said I need to be in the United States for Friday Morning’s Staff Meeting. Maybe I can call Azmi Bishara and ask about the best deals on last-minute flights out of Israel.

 

Advertisements

Amman taxi driver has recurring nightmare that he’s trapped in his cab with Thomas Friedman

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/5/2019 at 11:40 AM

Queen Alia International Airport, Jordan: Local taxi driver Omar A. has not been himself lately. It seems that for the last 6 months, he has suffered from the same horrible nightmare: being trapped in his taxi cab with noted pundit and New York Times contributor Thomas Friedman.

I wake up each morning in a cold sweat.” explained a visibly shaken Omar has we sat in the Airport’s Taxi Driver break room. “Sometimes, he is on the way to a Green Energy Expo at the Palace, and he asks me what I think about building windmills on the Dead Sea. How the Hell should I know? Then, in last night’s dream, I was driving him to the Queen’s Conference on the Status of Women. Fine, no problem. But he kept asking me if my daughter was learning to code. I pretended not to speak English, but he switched to Arabic.” Omar rubbed his bloodshot eyes as he continued to chain-smoke Marlboros. “I feel sick. If this does not stop before next month’s UNESCO Seminar on Agriculture, I’m going to lose my mind.”

As if this were not bad enough, Omar’s problems are beginning to affect his marriage. Omar’s wife Fatima spoke to the Daily Freier about how these nightmares have stressed their relationship. “All of my other girlfriends are worried that their husbands are betting on horses too much or seeing a younger woman…… you know, normal problems. But my Omar? This bad man Mister Thomas has made him majnoon. Just last week he was talking in his sleep about a high-speed rail link between Aqaba and Mecca that would be funded by India’s second-most popular Soap Opera actress and Mark Zuckerberg.

The Daily Freier tried to reach out to Mr. Friedman for comment on this unfolding tragedy, but his personal assistant said that he was busy writing a Think-Piece for the New York Times arguing that the Six Day War could have been avoided if Nasser had Instagram.

 

Daily Freier losing ground to hot new satire site called “The Forward”

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2018 at 12:30 PM

New York: With 2018 drawing to a close, the Daily Freier reviewed its web traffic numbers and discovered that it has been consistently losing market share to a hot new competitor in the “Goofy Jewish Satire” niche market that calls itself “The Forward”. This wacky blog has popped up out of nowhere it appears, and is consistently putting out material that is funnier and more nuts than anything the Daily Freier has managed to produce. So did the Daily Freier just give up? Heck No! We put together a focus group! Yes, the Daily Freier gathered a focus group of Jews: Young and Old. Gay, Straight, and the Israeli guy who you think is Gay but ends up trying to hook up with your girlfriend. Reform, Conservative, Conservadox, Dati, Haredi, and Masorti. Americans, Canuckians, and…. Well you get the point. And if you think this comes cheap, then you haven’t purchased bagels and coffee recently, thank you very much. So anyhoo, we put a bunch of Jews in a room with copies of the Forward downloaded onto Kindles and stealthily recorded their reactions. Like that movie with Sigourney Weaver and the Gorillas. Except the Daily Freier was Sigourney Weaver. Let’s call it “Hebrews in the Mist“. So where were we? Oh yeah, the Focus Group. They LOVED the Forward! But don’t take our word for it, check out some of their reactions below!


Hey, check this one out!” exclaimed “Married North Jersey Dentist” to the other people sitting at his table.  No, You Can’t Be A Feminist And A Zionist“, by Mariam Barghouti! You know, this might be the funniest thing produced by a Barghouti since Marwan invented the “Hunger Strike with Designated Snack Breaks” last year!

OK OK you need to see this!” giggled “Canadian-Israeli Woman” as she took a break from showing everyone pictures of her dogs. “It’s calledLay Off Linda Sarsour’.  I know! Linda! The woman who said that there is nothing creepier than Zionism! And accused Jews of secretly controlling America. Yes! her! So anyways, the article says that Jews only criticize Linda because they’re racists! Amazing! ……What’s that you say? It would be funnier if they also threw in some random stuff about Trump? Well say no more. They did that too!

Suddenly, “Older guy who keeps telling jokes with Yiddish punchlines” interjected. “Wait, Wait! Peter Beinart is about to compare the Israeli-Arab conflict to the #MeToo Movement! This is even better than their ‘Hen Mazzig: Secret Agent Man’  sketch comedy series!

Meanwhile, “Recent college grad who wants to work on the new Cannabis Farm in the Negev” sat in the corner laughing at something written by ‘Jewish Voice for Peace’. “OMG this guy is a pro! He supports BDS! He advocates for the ‘Right of Return’! He says ‘Israel/Palestine’ instead of Israel! And then he says he doesn’t understand why Israel isn’t too crazy about him visiting! And he did it all in a deadpan voice!” Then the man took a long hit from a bong that he somehow had smuggled into the focus group and continued. “You don’t have to be baked to truly appreciate the Forward’s comedy genius. But it helps.

Reform Jew hospitalized after doing whiskey shot each time Rabbi mentioned “Tikkun Olam”

(Please Don’t Try This At Home!)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 12/29/2018 at 5:45 PM

Philadelphia: A member of the Reform Jewish Community is lucky to be alive this evening after engaging in a risky drinking game. Adam G. is currently in stable condition after drinking a shot of Scotch each time the Rabbi at his Reform Temple invoked “Tikkun Olam” during the Shabbat sermon. The Daily Freier spoke with bystanders about this near-tragic event.

I was sitting with Adam in the back of the Sanctuary by that table with all the old issues of Lilith, and things started okay.” explained Adam’s friend Seth. “The Rabbi mentioned the canned food drive, and invoked Tikkun Olam, so Adam took a shot. Fine, whatever. Then the Rabbi kind of got on a roll. When he started talking about Trump, I knew Adam was in trouble. By the time the Rabbi got to his anecdote about meeting Beto O’Rourke at the Austin Rally for Justice, Adam was slurring his words. When the Rabbi started talking about the Fair-Trade Hummus at his Food Co-Op, Adam was on the floor. I started CPR, and everyone sang Bim-Bam until the paramedics arrived.”

According to Adam’s friend Lisa, this sort of risky behavior should not have been a surprise. “Ever since Adam was kicked out of Hebrew Union College Rabbinic School for failing guitar class, he’s been on a bit of a downward spiral. I guess we should have seen this coming.

According to sources close to Adam, he is “totally done” with the Tikkun Olam Drinking challenge. But tomorrow afternoon he intends to read The Forward and do a Bong Hit every time Peter Beinart starts a sentence with As a Jew.

 

 

Choose your favorite Daily Freier story of 2018!

Hi Freiers! It’s time to discuss our favorite topic: Ourselves! So now you can read, re-read, and commit to memory our Top Ten stories of 2018 hyperlinked below, then choose your favorite story from the poll at the bottom of this page! So here they are, in no particular order. Winners will be announced next week. Choose Wisely, Freiers!

 

 

———————————————————————————

1.  Obama wins 2nd Nobel Prize for creating the Israeli-Saudi alliance

2.  Mayhem as Hamas “March of Return” accidentally merges with Tel Aviv Pride Parade

3.  Julia Salazar: “My Hebrew name is רחל בת דולזל”

4.  Bulgaria busts Iranians with fake Israeli passports after they said “sorry”

5.  Sarah Tuttle-Singer narrates your Waze directions!

6.  Training for war, Hezbollah builds realistic model of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke &        smells like pee

7.   The Forward exclusive: Hen Mazzig rumored to be Gay!

8.   Yeshiva Student’s delinquent phone bill almost crashes Israeli Economy

9.   Jeremy Corbyn reviews the new Eichmann Movie

10. Tel Aviv-Jerusalem Fast Train aims to remind the cities why they can’t stand each other in just 30              minutes

 

 

Hot Mobile: “We’ve screwed more Olim than the soldier on your Taglit bus!”

By Emily Goldstein & Mark Levy

Last Updated 12/22/2018 at 12:50 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: Hot Mobile announced that as of yesterday afternoon, it has screwed more recent immigrants to Israel than that really cute soldier on your Birthright bus who could also play guitar. The Daily Freier attended an emotional Press Conference at one of Hot’s kiosks in Dizengoff Center.

This just means a lot to all of us.” announced Hot’s spokesperson Dorit H. “But now we have screwed more Olim than Danny, the soldier assigned to your Taglit group who wrote 5 poems to 6 girls, and showed 3 other girls the star constellations, ‘because the Negev sky is so clear at night’. We were going to announce it on our Website, but to be honest, we haven’t really updated it in a while, so why start now?”

Dorit wiped a tear from her eyes and continued.The competition has been strong. Pelephone and Cellcom? Their contracts are also slightly harder to understand than Gemara, but slightly easier to escape from than an Iranian jail. But in the end, it was our blend of gaslighting, bait and switch, and just hanging up on customers that won out.

The Daily Freier then asked Dorit if this amazing story had yet been picked up by any of the Big Names in Israeli Media “Of Course!” she replied. “Just last week the Jerusalem Post published a personal account of one Olah’s quest to try to get a refund for services she did not ask for but we charged her for anyway. You should read the whole thing! It’s like a mix of the boat trip in ‘Heart of Darkness’ and that Horror Movie ‘The Ring’. Except in this movie, nobody calls you back.”

When the Daily Freier challenged Dorit on some of the details of Hot’s Announcement, she told us to publicly Tweet our phone number to Hot’s Twitter account for a follow-up. Then she blocked us.

 

 

Hen Mazzig found guilty of living rent-free in The Forward’s head for 2 months

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/17/2018 at 3:00 PM

New York: A Manhattan judge handed down a stern ruling today, ordering that one Hen Mazzig pay restitution to the The Forward after living in their collective heads since September without paying rent or utilities. Since The Forward’s bombshell article in October alleging that Hen might be gay was a paid agent of the Mossad or something, it has become increasingly obvious that Mr. Mazzig had renovated a nice loft with skylights, hardwood floors, and granite countertops somewhere in the collective cerebral cortex of the Forward’s writing staff.

Clearly the defendant has occupied prime real estate in each of the plaintiffs’ minds.” stated the Judge’s ruling. “After Aidan Pink’s article asserting that Mr. Mazzig was a paid agent of the Israeli Government because, umm, he once served in the Israeli Army, like, umm, almost every other Jewish, Circassian, and Druze Israeli man, the Court had no choice but to award the plaintiff’s claim in full.

As the Judge’s ruling was read in the packed courtroom, The Forward’s editorial staff and writers erupted in cheers. “This is truly a vindication.” explained reporter Josh Nathan-Kazis. Now I know that I didn’t accuse Hen of ‘literally calling me a Nazi’ in vain, even though he didn’t actually, like, call me a Nazi. Now I can get back to my important work of digging up dirt on Jewish charities that aren’t as Woke as I am. But to be honest, I really didn’t appreciate it when the Judge held me in Contempt of Court for not actually knowing what the word ‘literally’ means. It made me really angry… Literally!

Reaction outside the court was chaotic, with partisans on both sides making impassioned speeches. Noted Progressive Jewish pundit Peter Beinart addressed the crowd. “As a Jew I feel this ruling is very important. And as a Jew I truly believe that this gets to the heart of the crisis of modern Zionism. Also as a Jew I feel that my continued use of the phrase “As a Jew I” at the beginning of Every. Single. Sentence strikes a blow for solidarity with the Marginalized and Oppressed. Also, As a Jew I feel that I can probably file a class action lawsuit against every Israeli who has disappointed me this year and maybe recoup some rent and utilities like the Forward did.

As Mr. Mazzig left the courthouse, the Daily Freier asked him at which point he knew that he had lost the case. “I don’t know.” he sighed. “Their legal team just ran circles around me. But if I had to point to one thing that told me they were going to win, I guess it was when their Attorney submitted a Friend-of-the-Court brief from David Duke.”