Tag: Roger Waters

Aliyah, U.S. Embassy in Israel

Top Ten things that will happen before your Appointment at the American Embassy in Jerusalem
(photo credit: Wikipedia)
BDS

Huge win for BDS after Hurricane cancels Israel visit
“OK, can you stop texting me now, Mr. Waters?”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/28/2019 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Israel’s Hasbara efforts suffered a crushing blow this weekend after a Category One Hurricane failed to show up for its scheduled appearance. Hurricanes are fairly rare in this part of the world, so there was quite a bit of anticipation building up for its arrival. Yet last minute lobbying forced the hurricane, who goes by “Bob”, to cancel his trip. The Daily Freier spoke with Bob as he wandered aimlessly off the coast of Cyprus.

“I just couldn’t take the pressure.” lamented Bob. “Which is ironic, because I’m supposed to thrive in fluctucations of barometric pressure, right?” Bob half-heartedly threw some rain clouds into the atmosphere and continued. “It started when my friend Gus the Tornado told me about the open letter from Roger Waters on the Weather Channel accusing me of ‘Climate Apartheid’. Then some bizarre cat lady started tweeting at me from her vacation to Iran. I couldn’t really understand her message, but she kept saying ‘Seriously, Bob?’…. I just felt unsafe.”

The Daily Freier asked Bob if he had any regrets about his canceled trip. “I really wanted to visit my family in Israel. The Flash Floods down south, my cousin Humidity, and of course my brother-in-law Boaz the Golani Cloud.”

Reaction from the BDS people was unsupringly giddy, with many of the usual suspects chiming in:

“Israel might have hypnotized the world, but it cannot hypnotize the weather. Me and my (EDITOR’S NOTE: Check CNN and insert name of current boyfriend/husband as of 5 AM Eastern Standard Time before this story goes to print) applaud the courage of Bob the Hurricane.” -Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (Democrat, Minnesota)

“If Bob the Hurricane truly wants to educate himself about Palestine, he can listen to the folk songs I heard growing up in my grandmother’s village. You know, songs like ‘Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahud’. or ‘Falastin Baladna Yahud Kalabna’ . Stuff like that.” – Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib (Democrat, Michigan)

“What’s a Hurricane?” -Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes (Democrat, New York)

Reaction to Bob’s cancellation among the “Only in Israel!” crowd was unsurprisingly glum, forcing Taglit to cancel a planned stop at the Technion where a representative from ‘Stand With Us’ would explain how Israel invented hurricanes in the mid-1980’s using only solar panels, Waze, and Dead Sea skin products.

 

Israellycool

Mocking Nike? We Just Did It!

This week, Nike showed just how #Woke they are by making an ad starring this guy named Colin Kapaernik who people say once actually played football (we’ve found no proof). Anyhoo, the Daily Freier is not about to let a mere Gazillion Dollar Sneaker Company Out-Woke us.

(We’re over at Israellycool today. Check it out!)

BDS, Roger Waters

Huge loss for BDS after Ozzy Osbourne blacks out halfway through angry phone call from Roger Waters

Ozzy in Israel with the Daily FreierBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/1/2017 at 9:50 AM

Los Angeles: In a serious loss for the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement, famed rocker Ozzy Osbourne lost consciousness halfway through a phone call from an angry Roger Waters. The Prince of Darkness has a July 2018 concert planned for Tel Aviv, and noted singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters was none too happy. As fellow veterans of the late 60’s scene, Roger felt a need to reach out to Ozzy and dissuade him from playing in Israel, and thus called the Blizzard of Ozz himself. Unfortunately, about 7 minutes into Roger’s rant, Ozzy was no longer responding to stimuli on our current plane of existence and entered a deep sleep. But with his eyes still open. Mr. Osbourne explained the situation to the Daily Freier from his Los Angeles home.

“Roger rang me up all hot and bothered and I had Zero Idea what the F— he was F—– talking about. After a few minutes it felt as if Sharon was yelling at me again. Something about my concert in Tel Aviv next year I reckon. And then I blacked out, and woke up an hour later on the couch with the f—– dog f—- licking my face. But Israel sounds great. By the way, just asking…. but are bats kosher?”

For his part, Roger Waters insisted that the conversation was going well until it began to cut out for poor sound quality “because I must have been passing through a tunnel at the time.”

Mr. Osbourne, who insists that he’s “Quit the Drinking and Quit the Drugging“, says he looks forward to his visit to Israel next year, and really wants to learn more about the Kapparot Ritual.

 

Hamas, Roger Waters

“I’m OK!” Roger Waters reassures his fans after Gaza Tunnel collapse

Roger Waters Gaza Tunnel CollapseBy the Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 10/31/2017 at 6:20 PM

Khan Yunis: Fans of (Rula Jebreal’s ex-boyfriend/the creepy weirdo stalking Bar Refaeli/that guy who used to play with Syd Barrett) famed singer-songwriter Roger Waters breathed a sigh of relief today after he released a tweet confirming that he is safe and sound following yesterday’s tragic tunnel collapse in Gaza. While the IDF’s destruction of the attack tunnel facilitated a speed-dating-event-with-72-virgins for several unfortunate terrorists, Mr. Waters wanted to let all of his fans know that he was OK, and “hadn’t been in that tunnel for weeks“. Mr. Waters, who has previously utilized the tunnels for their unique acoustics, spoke out forcefully in order to clear the air.

“I think it’s typical of the media, which is actually controlled by you-know-who, that they would put out unfounded rumors.” Mr. Waters explained.  “The fact is, I am currently on tour and have not been in Gaza since I finished recording my latest album of oud, drums, and spoken word in late September.”

While Roger was safe and sound, yesterday’s events hit very close to home for him, as counted among the wounded was his friend and colleague The Hamas Bumblebee. Nachool the Bumblebee is a favorite on Gaza’s children’s shows, as he playfully sings songs and says some not-so-nice things about the Zionist Entity. With Nachool’s hospitalization for smoke inhalation and shock, Mr. Waters sadly announced a delay to their planned collaboration on a Hamas TV Television Special entitled “Hey Kids! Let’s brush our teeth every day, respect our teachers, and tell the Balfour Declaration that it can Go to Hell!“.

While Mr. Waters is now present and accounted for, the Daily Freier has still not received word from former President Jimmy Carter as to his current whereabouts.

(THIS ARTICLE WAS FIRST PUBLISHED ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL IN 2017)

Shameless Self Promotion, Sheikh Nasrallah

Hezbollah TV airs the Daily Freier movie but renames it “That Idiot Jew”

Daily Freier Hezbollha TV That Idiot JewBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/22/2017 at 11:50 AM

South Beirut: The Daily Freier has received some unsolicited and somewhat unwanted publicity lately. Hezbollah, an organization that lately has seemed better at killing Sunni Muslims than it is at killing Israelis, has its very own television station called “Al-Manar”. And Al-Manar just aired the Daily Freier Movie, only they shortened the title from “American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for Seven Years” to “That Idiot Jew“. The Daily Freier tried to call Sheikh Nasrallah for an interview, but he’s scared the Mossad would trace the call. So we settled for Hussein, a production assistant at Al-Manar TV.

“We really felt this was a story for the whole family.” explained Hussein. “Mothers, fathers, children, grandparents…. they can all sit together in the evening and enjoy the story of this walid majnoon named Jeff.”

Yet it was not only Al-Manar that loved the show, but also the average man and woman on the street. The Daily Freier asked one of our friends at Reuters to wander South Beirut and ask random people how they feel about the Daily Freier movie.

“That ridiculous Jew named Jeff! He is so stupid!” chuckled a barrel-chested guy with a mustache named Jaffar. “I will keep tuning in to see if he learns future tense verbs. But I doubt this will happen.”

“I really loved the show! He is such a fool!” exclaimed Fatima. She then quickly looked around to make sure nobody was listening and lowered her voice to a whisper. “I know it’s Haram… but I find ‘Jeff’ strangely attractive.”

Word of Al-Manar’s airing of “That Idiot Jew” has even moved beyond Lebanon and is now enjoying popularity abroad. Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters was quite excited about the new show. “Finally! a show that really has a message!” Roger exclaimed.

While Al-Manar has enjoyed significant success with their new show, it has not come without protest from the Daily Freier itself. Our editor Yuval Weiss shared his anger during an interview with CNN earlier today.

Yuval: What Hezbollah Television did was illegal! It was immoral! and we are not going to…..

CNN: We have just learned that your website has 500,000 unique hits today alone. Additionally, a Muslim Dating Site wants to purchase a 2 month block of advertising on the Daily Freier. How does this…

Yuval: On second thought, we all must try to show greater empathy. We reluctantly accept Hezbollah’s actions in the name of cultural sensitivity.

In another piece of good news, after watching Hezbollah TV’s version of our movie, The New Israel Fund just offered us a 50,000 Shekel grant.

BDS, Roger Waters

Palestinian unilaterally disengages from British Man-Date

Daily Freier Roger Waters Isn't Just Screwing the Jews Now

London: The Daily Freier joins the Staff of Israellycool in mourning one Big Naqba of a Breakup: The end of the Roger Waters-Rula Jebreal Couplehood. The BDS power couple, who seemed to have more sexual chemistry than Yassar Arafat and his bodyguards back in the ’70’s  that special spark, called it quits.  Rula apparently spent the morning returning all of the gifts Roger had given her, to include 3 keffiyehs, some really good hummus from Jericho, and a sturdy shovel.

(The Daily Freier Appears on IsraellyCool Today. Go on over and Check Out the Whole Article!)

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Hamas

Hamas regrets hiring Tunnel Safety Expert whom they found from a Door Magnet

Hamas regrets hiring Tunnel Safety Expert they found from a door magnet Daily Freier

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/24/2016 at 11:20 PM

Gaza: As Hamas tunnels continue to tragically suffer collapses and cave-ins, each of which enables at least 72 new options for virgin speed-dating, Hamas leadership appears to have determined the underlying problem. It is not Egypt’s flooding the tunnels with sewage, it is not even one of the Mossad’s Spy Animals.  Rather, the problem is that Hamas hired its Occupational Safety/Risk Management expert from one of those little magnets that plumbers, electricians, and exterminators secretly place on the door of your apartment while you are asleep or something.

(Reader Alert: For those of you who don’t reside in Israel, if you want a train-wreck scenario involving your apartment’s plumbing, structural foundation, or electricity grid, go ahead and hire a guy off of a magnet you found on your door.)

Hamas Bridge and Tunnel Commissioner Fares H. explained the problem to the Daily Freier via Skype. “We couldn’t figure out the problem.  The tunnels kept collapsing, martyring many of our best tunnelers and even endangering our friend Mr. Roger Waters.….Yet we couldn’t find the source.  Finally I asked my personal assistant where he hired our Health and Safety expert, and he admitted that he first callled the guy when he found the company’s magnet on his door one morning.”  Fares shook his head and looked out the window into the distance. “Hey Yuval….Let me ask you, one guy talking to one perfidious Zionist imposter…. do you have idiot personal assistants in Israel also?”

In an effort at damage control, Hamas has decided not to fire their Safety Expert, but rather to transfer him to the Advertising Department.  While the hiring process continues, the Tunnel Safety position will be temporarily held by the Hamas Bumblee.

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BDS, Beach, Ethan and Shoshanna

Taking a stand against BDS, Jellyfish return to Israel

Refusing to Give in to BDS Jellyfish Return to Israel Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/22/2016 at 1:20 PM

Netanya: In a move described as “bold”, “courageous”, and “defiant”, the  jellyfish have returned to Israel despite intense pressure from the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement. Everybody’s favorite jellyfish, Ethan and Shoshanna, spoke to the Daily Freier about their personal journey.

“When the summer currents began pushing us northward from the Coast of Egypt, we just got bombarded with tweets from BDS.” explained Ethan. “Roger Waters wrote us an open letter. Max Blumenthal told us that his dad would NOT be happy if we went to Israel. Omar Barghouti told us that we would be collaborators if we arrived, but we checked his IP address and he was tweeting from the Tel Aviv University Library….”

The Daily Freier asked Ethan if he identified as a Zionist, and he explained his stance. “Of course, but I also identify as a citizen of the world.  Jew, Muslim, Christian….in the end it really doesn’t matter. I will sting the living shit out of you regardless.”

At this point Shoshanna interjected with her views. “I’m just so happy to be back. I missed this place SO. MUCH. But to tell you the truth, I expected a bit of a warmer welcome from everyone. But that might just be Israel. Sometimes it takes a while to break into social groups.” Shoshanna spotted a family in shallow water 5 meters away. “They seem nice, maybe I will float toward them and introduce myself. Sometimes you just have to extend a tentacle of friendship.”

 

Al Naqba, Roger Waters

At least Roger Waters isn’t just screwing the Jews now

Daily Freier Roger Waters Isn't Just Screwing the Jews NowThe Daily Freier extends a sincere Congratulations to Roger Waters and Rula Jebreal on their couplehood.  Pink Floyd legend Roger Waters, a vocal critic of Israel, is dating Palestinian journalist and author Rula Jebreal after divorcing his fourth wife.

The Daily Freier asks our readers not to submit tasteless jokes on whether he dresses up in an old IDF uniform when they role play “Checkpoint“. The Daily Freier will also maintain a strict policy of not allowing our readers to speculate about the use of the words  “Occupation“, “Territory” or “Colonization” vis-a-vis any intimate relationships they may or may not engage in.  Finally, the Daily Freier will not countenance any reference to “Laying Pipe at the Gates of Dawn”

Although we hope Roger appreciates the irony that he uprooted and displaced a Jew.……