This week, Nike showed just how #Woke they are by making an ad starring this guy named Colin Kapaernik who people say once actually played football (we’ve found no proof). Anyhoo, the Daily Freier is not about to let a mere Gazillion Dollar Sneaker Company Out-Woke us.
Last Updated 12/1/2017 at 9:50 AM
Los Angeles: In a serious loss for the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement, famed rocker Ozzy Osbourne lost consciousness halfway through a phone call from an angry Roger Waters. The Prince of Darkness has a July 2018 concert planned for Tel Aviv, and noted singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters was none too happy. As fellow veterans of the late 60’s scene, Roger felt a need to reach out to Ozzy and dissuade him from playing in Israel, and thus called the Blizzard of Ozz himself. Unfortunately, about 7 minutes into Roger’s rant, Ozzy was no longer responding to stimuli on our current plane of existence and entered a deep sleep. But with his eyes still open. Mr. Osbourne explained the situation to the Daily Freier from his Los Angeles home.
“Roger rang me up all hot and bothered and I had Zero Idea what the F— he was F—– talking about. After a few minutes it felt as if Sharon was yelling at me again. Something about my concert in Tel Aviv next year I reckon. And then I blacked out, and woke up an hour later on the couch with the f—– dog f—- licking my face. But Israel sounds great. By the way, just asking…. but are bats kosher?”
For his part, Roger Waters insisted that the conversation was going well until it began to cut out for poor sound quality “because I must have been passing through a tunnel at the time.”
Mr. Osbourne, who insists that he’s “Quit the Drinking and Quit the Drugging“, says he looks forward to his visit to Israel next year, and really wants to learn more about the Kapparot Ritual.
Last Updated 10/31/2017 at 6:20 PM
Khan Yunis: Fans of (Rula Jebreal’s ex-boyfriend/the creepy weirdo stalking Bar Refaeli/that guy who used to play with Syd Barrett) famed singer-songwriter Roger Waters breathed a sigh of relief today after he released a tweet confirming that he is safe and sound following yesterday’s tragic tunnel collapse in Gaza. While the IDF’s destruction of the attack tunnel facilitated a speed-dating-event-with-72-virgins for several unfortunate terrorists, Mr. Waters wanted to let all of his fans know that he was OK, and “hadn’t been in that tunnel for weeks“. Mr. Waters, who has previously utilized the tunnels for their unique acoustics, spoke out forcefully in order to clear the air.
Last Updated 9/22/2017 at 11:50 AM
South Beirut: The Daily Freier has received some unsolicited and somewhat unwanted publicity lately. Hezbollah, an organization that lately has seemed better at killing Sunni Muslims than it is at killing Israelis, has its very own television station called “Al-Manar”. And Al-Manar just aired the Daily Freier Movie, only they shortened the title from “American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for Seven Years” to “That Idiot Jew“. The Daily Freier tried to call Sheikh Nasrallah for an interview, but he’s scared the Mossad would trace the call. So we settled for Hussein, a production assistant at Al-Manar TV.
“We really felt this was a story for the whole family.” explained Hussein. “Mothers, fathers, children, grandparents…. they can all sit together in the evening and enjoy the story of this walid majnoon named Jeff.”
Yet it was not only Al-Manar that loved the show, but also the average man and woman on the street. The Daily Freier asked one of our friends at Reuters to wander South Beirut and ask random people how they feel about the Daily Freier movie.
“That ridiculous Jew named Jeff! He is so stupid!” chuckled a barrel-chested guy with a mustache named Jaffar. “I will keep tuning in to see if he learns future tense verbs. But I doubt this will happen.”
“I really loved the show! He is such a fool!” exclaimed Fatima. She then quickly looked around to make sure nobody was listening and lowered her voice to a whisper. “I know it’s Haram… but I find ‘Jeff’ strangely attractive.”
Word of Al-Manar’s airing of “That Idiot Jew” has even moved beyond Lebanon and is now enjoying popularity abroad. Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters was quite excited about the new show. “Finally! a show that really has a message!” Roger exclaimed.
While Al-Manar has enjoyed significant success with their new show, it has not come without protest from the Daily Freier itself. Our editor Yuval Weiss shared his anger during an interview with CNN earlier today.
Yuval: What Hezbollah Television did was illegal! It was immoral! and we are not going to…..
CNN: We have just learned that your website has 500,000 unique hits today alone. Additionally, a Muslim Dating Site wants to purchase a 2 month block of advertising on the Daily Freier. How does this…
Yuval: On second thought, we all must try to show greater empathy. We reluctantly accept Hezbollah’s actions in the name of cultural sensitivity.
In another piece of good news, after watching Hezbollah TV’s version of our movie, The New Israel Fund just offered us a 50,000 Shekel grant.
London: The Daily Freier joins the Staff of Israellycool in mourning one Big Naqba of a Breakup: The end of the Roger Waters-Rula Jebreal Couplehood. The BDS power couple, who seemed to have
more sexual chemistry than Yassar Arafat and his bodyguards back in the ’70’s that special spark, called it quits. Rula apparently spent the morning returning all of the gifts Roger had given her, to include 3 keffiyehs, some really good hummus from Jericho, and a sturdy shovel.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 7/24/2016 at 11:20 PM
Gaza: As Hamas tunnels continue to tragically suffer collapses and cave-ins, each of which enables at least 72 new options for virgin speed-dating, Hamas leadership appears to have determined the underlying problem. It is not Egypt’s flooding the tunnels with sewage, it is not even one of the Mossad’s Spy Animals. Rather, the problem is that Hamas hired its Occupational Safety/Risk Management expert from one of those little magnets that plumbers, electricians, and exterminators secretly place on the door of your apartment while you are asleep or something.
(Reader Alert: For those of you who don’t reside in Israel, if you want a train-wreck scenario involving your apartment’s plumbing, structural foundation, or electricity grid, go ahead and hire a guy off of a magnet you found on your door.)
Hamas Bridge and Tunnel Commissioner Fares H. explained the problem to the Daily Freier via Skype. “We couldn’t figure out the problem. The tunnels kept collapsing, martyring many of our best tunnelers and even endangering our friend Mr. Roger Waters.….Yet we couldn’t find the source. Finally I asked my personal assistant where he hired our Health and Safety expert, and he admitted that he first callled the guy when he found the company’s magnet on his door one morning.” Fares shook his head and looked out the window into the distance. “Hey Yuval….Let me ask you, one guy talking to one perfidious Zionist imposter…. do you have idiot personal assistants in Israel also?”
In an effort at damage control, Hamas has decided not to fire their Safety Expert, but rather to transfer him to the Advertising Department. While the hiring process continues, the Tunnel Safety position will be temporarily held by the Hamas Bumblee.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 6/22/2016 at 1:20 PM
Netanya: In a move described as “bold”, “courageous”, and “defiant”, the jellyfish have returned to Israel despite intense pressure from the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement. Everybody’s favorite jellyfish, Ethan and Shoshanna, spoke to the Daily Freier about their personal journey.
“When the summer currents began pushing us northward from the Coast of Egypt, we just got bombarded with tweets from BDS.” explained Ethan. “Roger Waters wrote us an open letter. Max Blumenthal told us that his dad would NOT be happy if we went to Israel. Omar Barghouti told us that we would be collaborators if we arrived, but we checked his IP address and he was tweeting from the Tel Aviv University Library….”
The Daily Freier asked Ethan if he identified as a Zionist, and he explained his stance. “Of course, but I also identify as a citizen of the world. Jew, Muslim, Christian….in the end it really doesn’t matter. I will sting the living shit out of you regardless.”
At this point Shoshanna interjected with her views. “I’m just so happy to be back. I missed this place SO. MUCH. But to tell you the truth, I expected a bit of a warmer welcome from everyone. But that might just be Israel. Sometimes it takes a while to break into social groups.” Shoshanna spotted a family in shallow water 5 meters away. “They seem nice, maybe I will float toward them and introduce myself. Sometimes you just have to extend a tentacle of friendship.”