Category: Top 10

Abu Mazen, Top 10

Top Ten Mahmoud Abbas Excuses for Delaying Palestine Elections until 2027

You all might want to sit down for this one, but it looks like Mahmoud Abbas has postponed Palestinian Elections. Again. Now Alert Readers of the Daily Freier will notice that we appear to be recycling an old story.  This is because we are in fact recycling an old story. Now that Mahmoud Abbas is in approaching the 22nd year of his 4-year term in office, the Daily Freier has gotten quite comfortable “going back to the well” for some cheap laughs at Abu Mazen’s expense. Call us hacks if you want, we’re not listening. So without further ado, Behold! The “Top Ten Mahmoud Abbas Excuses for Delaying Palestinian Elections until 2027”!

1. The official campaign photos made me look fat.

2. Mohammed El-Kurd broke up with Firas from accounting and now he’s refusing to come to work.

3. I was in Islington for a month helping Jeremy Corbyn harvest the radishes in his gardening allotment.

4. The Hamas Bumblebee just stung the shit out of me.

5. Probably shouldn’t have used Wix for our Elections Website.

6. Tucker called me and said it was a smart move.

7. We fell WAY behind during the Chagim.

8. Zach Polanski promised to come help next year since he’s going to be “between jobs”.

9. ICE confiscated our yard signs when they raided Ilhan Omar’s house.

10. The Jews.

 

Terrorism, Top 10

Top Ten Reasons Britain Released the Air Base Terror Suspects on Bail

Well, the United Kingdom just let five terror suspects out on bail. That’s right, 5 masked men driving vans were arrested at night outside of RAF Fairford Air Base. The vans had fake company names and fake phone numbers written on their sides. The suspects were discovered by an alert local farmer because the local police were busy watching reruns of Coronation Street on DVD. So naturally, the British authorities set them free on Bail, which goes against everything we learned about crime fighting that we learned from watching Law & Order. Anyhoo, the British authorities were kind enough to explain their reasoning. So behold, the “Top Ten Reasons Britain Released the Air Base Terror Suspects on Bail”:

1. They asked nicely.

2. Ed Miliband vouched for them “as a Jew“.

3.  We wanted to prevent a possible future Macklemore song.

4. One of them was Ilhan Omar’s brother. Or her husband. Or both.

5. Jeremy Corbyn said he needed some “helping hands” down at his Islington gardening allotment.

6. It wouldn’t be Cricket to keep them in jail while we investigated.

7. They claimed they were just filming a Tik Tok video for Mamdani.

8. Something Something Something “We hate Trump“.

9. Someone tried to fly into Heathrow with olive oil from the Golan and we needed the jail cells.

10. Roger Waters claimed they were his Backup Dancers.

Iran War 2026, Top 10

Top Ten Things That Lasted Longer Than The Ceasefire With Iran

1) Bank Leumi teller’s smoke break when they call your number.

2) The time it takes to get out of Dizengoff Center.

3) Time elapsed since Ben Gvir last suggested said stupid or illegal.

4) The applause on an El Al flight as it lands.

5) How long I must work to afford one beer in Tel Aviv.

6) Taglit Bro describing Israeli breakfast to his friend back home.

7) Sara Netanyahu telling The Help about her academic degrees.

8) Sem Girl giving another Sem Girl directions to the Shuk.

9) The time it takes to translate what the lifeguard at Banana Beach just announced into modern Hebrew.

10) Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s taxi driver provides unsolicited advice to Taylor & Travis for a long marriage.

 

 

 

 

* Our Guest Writer Lee Saunders deigned to show up from England long enough to contribute to this article.

Elections 2026, Top 10

Graham Platner’s Top Ten Spiciest Sexts

1. Gonna smash you like Kristallnacht tonight.

2. Get ready for the Battle of my Bulge.

3. Wanna come to my place and listen to some Wagner?

4. Take off my Lederhosen. Slowly.

5. Your Love is making me crazier than Rudolph Hess.

6. I wanna Hotchkiss you all over. Til the night closes in.

7. Touch my Messerschmidt. 

8. Your panties will fall faster than France in 1940. 

9. What do you think about Porta-Potties?

10. Ever fantasize about a Maoist Jew-hating Trustafarian?

Elections 2026, The Jooz, Top 10

Graham Platner’s Top Ten Campaign Slogans

1. Bangor Über Alles

2. The Final Solution To Maine’s Problems

3. Heil Hotchkiss!

4. More Oysters Less Oy Vey

5. Putting The “SS” In “Success”

6. Scarier Than A Steven King Novel!

7. A New Order For New England!

8. A Goose Step In The Right Direction!

9. Bar Harbor Macht Frei

10. The Nazi Trustafarian Cosplaying Fisherman That Maine Needs Right Now

Iran War 2026, Top 10

Iran’s Top Ten Excuses For Not Capturing Our Downed Pilots
Soon to be a Mark Wahlberg Production!

1. The New Ayatollah was locked in his room all night dancing by himself to Madonna’s “Vogue” album.

2. We just wanted to see Trump’s deranged Truth Social post after they were rescued.

3. Nick Fuentes made a Giant Scene in the War Room when we wouldn’t let him fly the drone.

4. We kept waiting for Maverick and Rooster to try to fly them out in an old F-14.

5. Ilhan was going to send us the American Distress Codes, but it was Date Night with her husband/brother.

6. Our Search Party was using Waze.

7. Thought the strange foreigner running shirtless in the woods was just Jeremy Corbyn on Holiday again.

8. Should have suspected those Mountain Goat Herders when they started playing Matkot.

9. We didn’t think the Americans could pull off this operation without the help of Spain and France.

10. Our IT Department was closed for Pesach.

Kerem House, Pesach, Tel Aviv Living, Top 10

Top Ten Surprises at the Kerem House Seder

Good News! The Kerem House in Tel Aviv is having a Seder! Yes, the place that once hosted a bunch of Zonked Out Midburners with a lack of proper footwear on their roof! Yeah, those guys! Plus, they’re collaborating with Tel Aviv International Synagogue! Anyhoo, this event promises to be Off The Hook. So hurry up and get your tickets while you still can using this link! But in the meantime, the Daily Freier has been sneakily collecting Intelligence on the upcoming event, and we have constructed some Amazing Predictions of what you will experience at Kerem House this Wednesday night. So Behold: The Top Ten Surprises at the Kerem House Seder! Spoiler Alert: Some of these things have already come true.


1. You find the Afikomen but they just give you some Kerem House Crypto currency.

2. Daniel plans a Flash Mob where everyone comes dressed as their Favorite Plague.

3. That’s not Eliyahu HaNavi at the door, it’s their angry French neighbor with a noise complaint. 

4. Jason & Daniel’s Duet of “Had Gadya” is getting a little frisky. 

5. Hey, what did Jason do with all the Bitter Herbs?

6. The Ancient Egypt-themed Settlers of Catan tournament. 

7. I really don’t remember the Haggadah having a speed-dating event. 

8. Daniel convinces Pharaoh to do a Kerem
 House TED Talk via Zoom after the Holiday.

9. In order to remember Our Time in Bondage, you’re all doing their dishes after the Seder.

10. After 4 cups of wine, Jason signs you up for his Master Campers “40 days wandering the Negev” event.

Iran War 2026, Top 10

Top 10 Signs That Your New Ayatollah Might Be Gay

1. The Straits are closed but he still has more oil than Diddy.

2. He works out at Holmes Gym in Dizengoff Center.

3. Still Looking for an Iftar with Bottomless Mimosas.

4. His Safe House has track lighting and tasteful but subdued carpeting.

5. Selling his tickets to Lady Gaga because “something came up“.

6. Grindr profile says he’s “On the DL” and “does not travel“.

7. The TikTok of him singing “Islands in the Stream” with Yahya Sinwar.

8. Blew his cover at the Bazaar today because he wanted to “make an Entrance”. 

9. Always on fishing trips with Mohammed El-Kurd but they never bring back any fish.*

10. Skipped last year’s Al Quds Conference because he was “in my Annie Lennox Phase“.

* This is clearly a Brokeback Mountain Reference.

 Special Thanks to Tireless Citizen Journalists Ari Calvo and Lee Saunders!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mossad, Operation Epic Fury, Top 10

Top Ten Signs That Israel Is About To Blow Up Your Staff Meeting

1. There’s a red dot on the wall but nobody has a laser pointer.

2. Why did the tea lady just call you “Mami”?

3. Your new IT guy insisted on working from home today.

4. The security guard is snacking on Hamantaschen.

5. Conference room is reserved for “Soleimani Reunion 2026”.

6. You open Bluetooth and see “Dudu’s burner phone”.

7. The felafel guy gave you a free Apple Air Tag with your order.

8. Bird on the windowsill is tweeting Hatikvah.

9. You sneeze and a man in the heating ducts says “LeBriyut!”.

10. Photographer for the group picture wants you to stand on some red and white concentric circles.

Operation Epic Fury, Top 10

Top Ten Other Times That The Iranian News Anchor Cried On Live TV

1. Zayn quit One Direction
2. NBC didn’t renew Freaks & Geeks
3. Candace Owens tried to pronounce “anecdote”
4. Barbra Streisand announced her Goodbye Tour
5. “That” scene in The Crying Game
6. Last year’s Finale of The Bachelor
7. Kim told Khloe that Tristan cheated on her
8. Bruce Willis died at the end of Armageddon
9. Bennifer broke up for the second time
10. Trump called Rosie O’Donnel fat