By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/6/2017 at 9:00 PM
Tel Aviv: In a historical first, the Mossad has revealed that two women were recently appointed division chiefs. And the ladies now in charge over at the mythical Intelligence agency wasted no time getting things done, with one of them, named “S”, taking out a terrorist over that thing he did 19 years ago that she never really forgot about. The Daily Freier met up with Ms. “S” at a non-descript North Tel Aviv cafe to get all the facts on how she helped set up [REDACTED] on a “Speed Date” with 72 young ladies somewhere on another Plane of Existence.
“So yeah, back in 1998 I was deep undercover somewhere in Southern Europe and [REDACTED] really made me upset.” The Daily Freier asked “S” if she remembered anything from that fateful day.
“Not really. I mean, I was wearing linen pants from Italy, a white top, and flats. I was feeling blah. My regular hairdresser was on holiday and his replacement totally messed up so I had to wear a hat for a week while it grew in. I had a chicken salad and a Diet Coke. The restaurant was playing smooth jazz.”
The Daily Freier asked Ms. “S” what exactly the terrorist did.
“Well [REDACTED] did [REDACTED] and said [REDACTED]. Then he asked me if something was wrong and I said “Nothing”. Then he asked me if I was OK, and I told him “everything is fine”. Yada Yada Yada, 19 years later, he sleeps with the fishes.”
The Daily Freier asked Ms. “S” if she could share any details from the operation that ended the life of [REDACTED].
“So right before I took him out, he turned and asked me why I was doing this. And I was like ‘Really?’ You don’t remember what you did wrong??? You know EXACTLY why I’m doing this.”
As the interview ended and we got up to leave, the Daily Freier forgot to hold the door for Ms. S and she almost fell over. When we asked her if she was OK, she shot us ‘that look’, said “everything is fine” and then quickly wrote something down in her notebook.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 6/4/2016 at 3:20 PM
Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: Employees from the Tel Aviv Municipality Tourism Office continue to distribute a helpful and informative pamphlet to our out-of-town visitors this week: “Is He Gay or Just Being Israeli? A Visitor’s Guide to Pride Week“. Tourism Office Spokesperson Galit K. discussed the initiative with the Daily Freier as we walked along the HaYarkon Promenade.
“We see this pamphlet as a true win-win. Sometimes visitors have a difficult time figuring things out here in Israel. So the city stepped in to help.” Galit pointed toward several men in Speedos on the beach play-wrestling in the sand and grabbing each other. “Do you see those men? Now a visitor might have a preconceived notion, but they are in fact just Army buddies…..who clearly wax and pluck……and have an excess of hair gel and highlights…..and appear to be listening to Eyal Golan……OK, I see your point.”
Galit continued to explain the initiative. “Do you see the two men over there at the cafe? One of these men owns Capri pants, loves to dance, has on a silver lycra tank top, and calls his mom twice a day…… And the other one is into dudes.“
Galit admitted that the “Is He Gay or Just Being Israeli?” campaign experienced a setback when the entire first batch of pamphlets were taken home to be read by frustrated and confused women who actually live in Tel Aviv, but that more pamphlets are on their way to hotels and hostels throughout the city. When the Daily Freier challenged Galit on recent reports that the Mossad is jamming the nation’s Gaydar, she quickly told us that she had another appointment and had to end the interview.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 3/20/2016 at 10:50 PM
Reston, Virginia: Noted pundit Max Blumenthal dropped a bombshell of an accusation earlier today: that Israel’s Clandestine Service undertook a secret program that slowly and deliberately transformed him into a hack writer who cashes in on the connections of his father, noted Hillary Clinton advisor Sidney Blumenthal. The Daily Freier sat down with Max at a local Starbucks to get the whole Megillah.
“It all started about 10 years ago. I was a somewhat intelligent, if not particularly original college graduate. I guess the Mossad saw that as a threat. So they must have given me some sort of serum I guess. Or subliminal messages in my TV. Or maybe put a virus on my Mac…. Anyhow, within a couple of years I realized that I had degenerated into a cliché-ridden anti-Israel hack writer. And yeah, Dad did not like that at all.”
The Daily Freier pressed Mr. Blumenthal for details on his alarming accusation.”I still don’t totally get it myself. Things just got….weird. For example, this German politician called me an Anti-Semite. So somehow the Mossad got me to follow him into a public restroom so I could yell at him. Now I’m banned from the Bundestag. [NOTE: THIS REALLY HAPPENED]. Real crazy stuff. And then, get this, the Israeli’s got a guy at that right-wing magazine ‘The Nation’ to describe my book as having been written for “The Hamas Book of the Month Club”…. I gotta admit, that’s pretty clever…..But yeah, Dad fixed that guy good.“
In order to hear all sides of this troubling saga, the Daily Freier reached out to the Clinton campaign to get Hillary’s take on what her Key Advisor’s son has been up to vis-a-vis the Joooz. In response, her campaign spokesperson provided the following statement. ‘Secretary Clinton has nothing but the highest regard for Max. Which is why the campaign has provided him a generous grant to help with ‘Campaign Outreach’ in Papua New Guinea. The grant runs through mid-November, and unfortunately there won’t be a lot of Internet for Max to communicate with the rest of the World. But that’s the price one must pay for his expertise. We look forward to reading his Trip Report sometime around Thanksgiving.”
When the Daily Freier asked Max for clarification on his new gig in the South Pacific, he promised to get back to us just as soon as the ghost of Christopher Hitchens stopped ruthlessly mocking him.
By Mark Levy
Last Updated 3/6/2016 at 3:50 PM
Herzliya Pituach- World leaders woke up this morning to the shocking revelation that Israel’s famed Secret Service had crippled Iran’s guided missile program by giving the Iranians the popular and sometimes also accurate navigation App “Waze”. Waze, an Israeli start-up success story that in 2013 was sold to Google for $1 Billion, was secretly uploaded into the Iranian missile guidance database through an unknown Third Party working in coordination with the Mossad. The Daily Freier was able to speak to a shadowy guy named “Tzvi” outside Google’s Herzliya campus.
“This was a difficult assignment. We wanted a program that would spoof the Iranian missile software into calculating the supposedly shortest route, but in reality it sends the projectile on a boondoggle. So I talked to a friend, who talked to a friend, who copied Waze onto their server. Now the navigation system directs the missiles aimed at Tel Aviv to first swing by a Tim Horton’s Doughnut Shop just north of Saskatoon.”
Iran reacted in undisguised panic this morning at the revelation. A Revolutionary Guard Corps Spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity, described the chaos. “This is worse than Stuxnet. We’ve lost at least six months. To add insult to injury, we just found out that our Al Quds Force homepage works off of Wix.”
For its part, Waze strongly denied any part in the current crisis. “I must stress that Waze is a useful community-based application that seeks to improve the common good regardless of politics.” explained Waze spokesperson Arielle C. “I got to get back to work. Please excuse me while I direct an IDF patrol to take a shortcut through Nablus.”
(Photo Credit: Our friends at the Dubai Police Department)
By Emily Goldstein, with Manu H.
Last Updated 1/24/2016 at 12:30 PM
Ramat Aviv- Recent immigrant Hannah G. is not happy. With the public disclosure that Mossad agents have been using the identities and altered passports of new arrivals from Western European nations, Hannah has learned that her United Kingdom passport has reportedly been used during an operation in a Gulf State. And to make matters worse, the alleged Mossad agent took certain fashion liberties in her passport photo that have left Hannah feeling violated and offended. “So in her passport photo, she somehow manages to wear a hairstyle that combines sidebangs AND frosted tips. Oh and her roots are showing. I bet she chews her gum like REALLY REALLY loud. This is a nightmare. It’s as If I’ve had my identity stolen. By an Essex girl.”
Hannah continued to vent about the ensemble that the un-named agent wore in a leaked hotel surveillance video. “And what she was wearing on the security video??? That blouse is a Hate Crime.” When the Daily Freier asked Hannah if she also worried about the wider political fallout for ex-pats whose identity had been compromised, Hannah snapped back “I think we are all ignoring the real crime here. She looks ridiculous in that scarf. and SHES USING MY NAME!!!”
While the last several days have been personally difficult for Hannah, there has been a silver lining. “On the up-side, I got pulled over for speeding on Ayalon Highway yesterday and the policemen looked at my ID, looked at me, looked at the ID again, gave a discreet salute, and walked off. No ticket! Yay!!”
When asked if she had a message for the Mossad Agent who stole her identity, Hannah was adamant. “Hey! Y2K called and it wants its hairstyle back. And oh yeah. I’m judging you right now…..Literally!”
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 7/29/2015 at 1:20 PM
Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Gossip is circulating in Central Tel Aviv of a potentially scandalous development, that the new bartender at that cool place off of Ibn Gavriol Boulevard is, in fact, heterosexual. Well-regarded bartender David S. has found himself subjected to a whispering campaign by his customers and co-workers. The Daily Freier Cultural Affairs reporter was on the scene hearing the word on the street.
“I just feel that there’s been a lack of honesty,” noted concerned patron Avi T. “I always thought that we had a good rapport. I even planned to introduce him to my Cousin Brian when he visits in late August. But last night after I got up to go to the bathroom, I’m pretty sure he started macking on my girlfriend.”
Co-worker Devorah C. was also looking for answers. “I’ve known David for almost a year and he’s just the best. But I don’t know what to think. Ever since I made Aliyah, my gaydar is way off. It’s like the Mossad is jamming it or something. I mean just last week at the Namal Boardwalk I was hassled for 10 minutes by a sleazy guy wearing capri pants. Capri……pants.”
As the Daily Freier departed , a German tourist with a goatee informed us that if David is in fact straight, he wasn’t last night.
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 3/25/2015 at 2:30 PM
Tel Aviv: The cops at the police station on Dizengoff Street, ostensibly employed by the same government that meticulously discovered, tracked, and captured prominent Nazi Adolph Eichmann, have absolutely no idea what happened to your yellow Diamondback mountain bike that you left locked to the railing behind your apartment last night.
“You mean to tell me that bicycles are stolen from North and Central Tel Aviv and then sold in South Tel Aviv?” asked a policeman incredulously, just about a mile from the Headquarters where the IDF planned the 1981 destruction of Saddam Hussein’s nuclear reactor at Osirak.
Another policeman (you think his name is Moti. Or maybe Dudi.), also employed by the government that executed the daring 1976 Raid on Entebbe, interjected “And you’re saying that the bikes are just sold out in the open? On the street?”
The shift chief (wait, this guy is “Dudi”. You think.), in a police station 20 minutes away from where the Mossad tracked in real-time the assassination of Hezbollah mastermind Imad Mugniyeh (STRICTLY A FANCIFUL JEST!!! —The Legal Department), asks “And these bikes are stolen, sold, stolen again, and then re-sold???”
The first cop, again a civil servant in the same government that in 2002 successfully interdicted the Iranian weapons ship “Karine A”, notes dryly “You seem to know a lot about these bikes. Why don’t you just go there and get your bike back?”