Top Ten Signs there’s a Messianic in your Minyan

So there’s been a recent surge of news stories about Messianic Christians infiltrating Shuls, and people are suddenly waking up to a “new crisis.” Sure, the Daily Freier warned you about this in 2019, but you fools didn’t listen. Their patient and clever plan is to slowly turn us onto The Big J, but we are frankly not interested. No matter how good Bob Dylan’s “Infidels” album was.

Anyhoo, listen up because this is the last time we are going to lecture you on this disturbing topic. Unless this story goes viral, in which case we will ride those jokes until the wheels fall off. So buckle up suckers, here are the Top Ten Signs that there’s a Messianic in your Minyan:

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1. He shows up on time.

2. “That’s OK, everybody wraps Tefillin a little differently.“

3. “Can we please NOT do so many L’Chaims? I need to get up early.“

4. “OMG I just LOVE Matzoh!“

5. “This Rabbi is Amazing!” (Ashkenazi Shuls Only)

6. Bibi & Sara attended his recent wedding to a popular reporter and content creator.

7. He thinks Multi-Level Marketing is “stupid” and “a rip-off“.

8. “Well it sounds like you got a pretty fair deal on your house and that you chose a good realtor.“

9. “Go ahead and pick the restaurant. A hechsher is a hechser.“

10. He found the Daily Freier’s jokes about Jesus and Afula to be in “Bad Taste”.