Tag: Jesus

The Jooz

“But I Love those Jewish Crackers!” Whoopi Goldberg clarifies her views on Race

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/3/2022 at 6:30 PM

Hollywood: First off, who among us does not Love Love Love the Feisty Ladies of The View? Guilty Pleasure Alert: We’ve been watching since the days of Barbara Wawa and Star Jones! But anyhoo, it appears that, and some of you may want to sit down for this, sometimes the Hosts expound very confidently on things they have NO CLUE about. And this was one of these times. In conjunction with Holocaust Remembrance Day, Ms. Goldberg noted that the Shoah was just a really big example of White-on-White Crime. You see, now that “Whiteness” is something that can get you in trouble, Jews are White. It’s a magic trick! We’re Commies! We’re Bankers! We keep to ourselves too much! We blend in too much! We’re a bunch of weaklings! We’re mean powerful bullies!

Anyway, things got crazy QUICK. The next day Whoopi (Real Name: Caryn!) gave a nice apology, but then she Doubled Down on Silly when she went on the Colbert Show. Then she went to the Woke Dorks at the Anti-Defamation League and Jonathan Greenblatt absolved her of any sins. In our opinion, if you’re going to try to get your sins washed away by beseeching a Jew, just go to Nazareth.

Finally, the Network Bosses decided to suspend her for a week from the View. (Editors Note: The Daily Freier does not support Ms. Goldberg’s suspension. If famous people were prevented from saying silly or dumb things in public, we would need to get real jobs.) It was at this point where the Daily Freier contacted Whoopi to kibbitz about how dreamy Captain Picard was back in the day in order to clear the air. Whoopi was adamant that she was a fan of the Jewish People, and talked about her specific love for Matzoh. Yet for some reason she kept calling it “Those Jewish Crackers“. Basically, we tried to find common ground, mostly because we were DYING to hear her say “Ditto“. But she didn’t.

Tonight we’re going to eat a special brownie and watch “Sister Act” and see if it makes any more sense this time.

Start Up Nation

Miracle: Someone just got out of their Hot Cable Contract

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/1/2020 at 6:30 PM

Jerusalem: People are talking of a Modern Day Miracle in the Holy Land this week, as the Unthinkable has come True. That’s right, apparently someone got out of their Hot Cable contract. The Daily Freier wandered around Ben Yehuda Street asking people for their opinion on this Nes Gadol that Haya Po.

“This is Amazing, but I have some questions.” noted Adi, a Tech Sector employee from Modiin. “Did they go through the Website? They couldn’t have gone through the website.“

“So did they find a Sabra to yell at them on their behalf?” inquired Tel Aviv Childcare worker Arielle. “Because the moment they figured out I was an Olah, it was Game Over.“

“Okay I’m quitting today. If they could do it, I can do it.” enthused Motti, an independent contractor from Jerusalem. The Daily Freier had to gently explain to Motti that it was an Evangelical Christian Group that was not renewed, and this was because it was suspected of targeting Jews for Conversion to Christianity.

“So wait, all I need to do is talk about ‘You-Know-Who‘ and I can get out of my contract?” asked Motti. “Too Easy.“

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Motti was on the phone with Hot Cable asking the Customer Service Representative if she had a moment to discuss their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Linda Sarsour, Our "Cousins"

Linda Sarsour, Time Traveler: Jesus of Nazareth edition

Narrator: Welcome to Episode 3 of “Linda Sarsour, Time Traveler.” When last we saw our heroine, she had  traveled back to the 20th Century in order to inform Golda Meir and Hanna Szenes that they were not really feminists. Now, our Intrepid Linda of Brooklyn has traveled back to Judea in the time of the Roman Occupation in order to inform Jesus that he’s really Palestinian. We catch up with them in Nazareth, north of the Jezreel Valley.

Linda (cheerfully): A salaam aleikum, Brother Issa!

Jesus of Nazareth: Hello my child, you appear to speak the language of Ishmael’s sons, many days journey into the desert beyond Edom. It is a language I do not understand. I speak Aramaic….. a bit of Thai I picked up when I was backpacking…..and Hebrew. You know, the language spoken by Jews like me…..who live in….. wait for it….. Judea.

Linda: Palestine.

Jesus: I am sorry, my child?

Linda: Palestine! You’re Palestinian! Hellooooo!

Jesus: Daughter of Ishmael, the Philistines disappeared from this land around the Year 600 Before….ummm….600 Years Before….ummm……Me.

Linda: So?

Jesus: So, Like NOBODY uses that term anymore. Not even the Essenes of the Wilderness. And they live alone in the desert without decent wi-fi.

Linda: Hey, I love your wooly Palestinian hair!

Jesus: The apostles call it my “Jewfro”, but Bless Your Heart.

Linda: OMG and you’ve got the most amazing Palestinian copper skin tone, just like me!

Jesus: (Looks at his skin, looks at Linda. Looks at his skin, looks at Linda.) But Linda my child, your skin is whiter than National Public Radio.

Linda: Whatever. So when are you going to Al-Quds, anyway?

Jesus: My child, you are using words that make no sense…. Listen, my Father’s house has many rooms. Maybe you might want to go visit a different one? You know, explore a bit? It’s just that I’m kinda busy. There’s a wedding feast tonight up north and the caterer stinks, so everyone is going to turn to you-know-who when they run out of wine. And don’t get me started on the fish.

Linda: Hey, a wedding! Maybe we can all dance the dabka. It’s a traditional Pales….

Jesus: Farewell my child. (Jesus disappears into the ether)

Linda: Wait, did I just get Holy Ghosted?

(Fade to Black)

 

Only in Israel

Jesus relocates Armageddon “because nobody wanted to hang out in Afula”

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 11/17/2018 at 2:00 PM

Tel Megiddo: Our Christian friends are in a giant funk today after news broke that Jesus has decided to change the site of the Final Battle between Good and Evil. According to reliable sources, the Prince of Peace decided that Tel Megiddo, lying just southwest of Afula in the Jezreel Valley, lacked the modern amenities to properly host Armageddon. Mr. Yeshua was kind enough to Skype with the Daily Freier and explain his decision.

“I’m sorry, but if we’re going to stage an epic battle between the Forces of Light and Darkness, can we do it near a place with a decent mall? Is that asking too much? Let me put this in perspective. My hometown is no great shakes, but at least we have a really big food mall now. But oh yeah, Afula has a Supersal. Also, I try to keep my interaction with the Deceiver of Men to a bare minimum, and he never stops bitching to me about this. He said that Afula left him bored.”

The Daily Freier challenged Mister Of Nazareth, noting that Afula has a station on the new Jezreel Valley Train line, but he was dismissive. “Oh really? So now you can take a train to Beit She’an? Wow. Or maybe you could take the train all the way to Haifa. I heard they’ve got a great party scene there. Bring your walking shoes.”

The Freier then asked Jesus if he had any candidates in mind to replace Tel Megiddo. “Well it needs to be close enough to a good pub. Trust me, after all that destruction, the Forces of Darkness will want to find a nice place to have a drink. And my friends in Jerusalem tell me that Tel Aviv is a hive of debauchery. So that might work. And if we held an epic battle in Atarim Square, it might end up looking nicer. Do you think I should ask for ideas on Secret Tel Aviv?”

The Prince of Peace continued. “But the armies really could use some open space, so maybe somewhere in the Sharon? I was thinking of Ra’anana, but honestly I’ve lost touch with all my friends who moved there. It’s like they joined the Witness Protection Program or something.”

As we ended the interview, Jesus made a final request to all candidates for the new Armageddon site. “Let the city that isn’t totally lame cast the first stone.”