By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 4/16/2017 at 9:30 AM
Tel Aviv, The Old North: Passover is entering its final 48 hour stretch and Jews as a collective are losing. Their damn. Mind. You forgot what beer tastes like, but somehow you remember it being really nice. No pizza (if you mention matzoh pizza I will hit you. Seriously.) The desserts taste like cardboard sprinkled with Splenda and then put in the oven for an hour or two. (Don’t worry about the exact time. You can’t make it worse.) And there are matzoh crumbs all over your apartment. This sucks.
So this is a perfect time for your college roommate to call and ask how you are enjoying Passover and all of the A-MA-ZING recipes. Remember when you took her to Hillel for matzoh ball soup? And what about matzoh peanut butter and jelly? And OMG did you see the “matzoh gingerbread houses” on Pinterest?
Go to hell.
This is not a game. You’re literally dying over here. And she wants to ask you for your favorite matzoh brei recipe.
How about “fry up matzoh. Add syrup. Wait to cool. Place in trash. Repeat.”
Maybe if you don’t have to eat it for a week straight then matzoh can be a cool ethnic cracker. Or some sort of exotic gluten-free thing. Whatever. It’s basically burnt sawdust. And Monday night you’re just going to stay home, sit on the couch and eat an entire load of bread. By yourself. No cheese. No hummus. No butter. Just bread.
Now she’s calling your mom to ask if she can stop by on Tuesday to get all of their leftover matzoh.
Your mom just said she can take it all right now.
By Mia Deych and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 9/5/2016 at 11:00 AM
Tel Aviv, Florentin: Moishe House has internalized a series of
unjust attacks constructive criticisms stemming from last week’s Crepe Event, where members of the community expressed their concerns with crepes made from…. like, you know….. eggs, milk, and flour.
American Olah Jessica expressed her concerns. “I’m vegan, my best friend is lactose intolerant, and there seems to be a lot of people on Secret Tel Aviv with celiac. I would like to join a community which is inclusive to its members and considers that not everyone is the same. A community that makes each individual feel welcome and unfortunately that didn’t seem to be the case….. So, yeah. I’m kinda excited about the new Moishe House.“
Moishe House Spokesperson Aviva S. admitted that nobody in Moishe House is really sure what celiac is [neither does WordPress Spellcheck!], but the Community has a lot to say on this topic.
The New House is located on Ha Rav Frenkel Street in South Tel Aviv. All of the materials in the Apartment have been checked for allergens and gluten, to include couches, kitchen utensils, mazgan, curtains, toilet paper, and the bowl of zucchini on the coffee table that have been there a while that nobody ever eats. Also, the walls are coated with a special paint that blocks the neighbors’ Wi-Fi to prevent radiation.
Everybody in the community appears to love the new Moishe House, with certain exceptions. Urban Farming Activist Sivan noted that nobody asked her for inputs to ensure the kitchen is Cruelty-Free. “I suspect that some of the forks were used at the Barbecue Party on Lag B’Omer last year.”
Also, the Daily Freier spoke with Alert Local Ronit, who was walking her two dogs outside and overheard the conversation. “A vegan, gluten-free, celiac-friendly menu? That sounds like space food for astronauts.“
As the new Moishe House prepared its first event this Thursday Evening, Jessica seemed hopeful for the future. “I’m really glad Moishe House let our voices be heard…. I’m just afraid people are going to think we’re like High Maintenance or something.”
(Photo Credit: The Facebook)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 8/21/2016 at 6:45 PM
Tel Aviv, Carmel Market: Word on the streets is that the guy who stands outside Shuk HaCarmel protesting circumcision holding a graphic sign while wearing pants with a fake bloodstain around the junk region…. yeah, that guy. Anyway, it appears that he has snipped utilized efficiencies to reduce between 5 and 7 percent from his daily time spent protesting the Covenant of Abraham in front of a bunch of Jews who no doubt are having serious second thoughts about their previously great idea to grab a nice shawarma before doing some grocery shopping in the Shuk. The Daily Freier took the time to speak with Anti-Circumcision Guy to get his incisive analysis on what is going down in the Foreskin Protection Protest Community.
“So it’s kind of hot and dusty here in the Summer.” explained Anti-Circumcision Guy.” And I figured, a shorter speech means that I don’t spend so much time in the hot summer sun. So yeah, when it comes to time spent protesting out here, I cut a little off the top. And you know what? I’m less sunburned now and even a bit less dehydrated. So I guess you could say there are even some medical benefits to this practice. With all the heat and dust here, the shorter length protest just seemed more sanitary.”
The Daily Freier asked the Notorious Anti-Circumcision Guy (or just “Notorious ACG“) if he ever had problems with members of the Community whom he encountered on the street. “Sure, some Counter-Protesters show up from time to time to yell at me, but they’re really just being dicks unhelpful and argumentative. I just try to ignore them and keep sharing my views.”
Despite his failure to change minds, Notorious ACG is not giving up. “I’ve been out here a long time. It’s a tradition. And it would be stupid to turn my back on this tradition just because some people recently started to disagree with it…… I’ve also found that a slightly shorter, neater speech is just more aesthetically pleasing to the public. Besides, Israeli women seem to prefer the protests better this way.”
At that moment, Alert local Ronit S. passed by and vigorously agreed with Anti-Circumcision Guy’s belief that a shorter protest was better, but clarified that “We really just want at least 5% off wherever we go“.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 5/14/2016 at 2:00 PM
Tel Aviv Haganah: Construction workers excavating Tel Aviv’s Light Rail Line made an amazing discovery yesterday: the earliest known recording of the Secret Tel Aviv website and Facebook page. “Secret Ur of the Chaldeans” which later morphed into “Secret Harran“, then “Secret Land of Canaan” and then “Secret Eretz Yisrael“, was a message board recorded in ancient Hebrew and later Aramaic on clay bricks in which the people of the day were able to ask perfect strangers how to solve their batshit crazy personal problems, how to evade Customs Fees when bringing items back from the Babylonian Exile, and how to identify an insect that they found in their granary. The Daily Freier went to the scene to smell the excitement.
Hebrew University Professor of Antiquities Nadav S. explained the importance of the finding to the Daily Freier. “What this discovery shows is really a snapshot of life before the Common Era.” Professor Nadav picked up a clay shard and began to read aloud.
“So if you’re like a King? And you see a really hot woman sunning herself on her roof, but she’s married? And her husband is an Achi but he’s not an ‘Achi Achi’. So you send her husband off to do Miluim, because hey, you’re the King, and he like dies? After that is it OK to hook up with her?…….Asking for a friend.”
Nadav continued. “What is fascinating is that the tablets show a continuous narrative of the self-absorbed going back over 3,000 years.” The Professor grabbed another shard at random and read it.
“Hi Secret Land of Canaan this is Sarah. I’m a new Olah. So my husband found this nice cave in Hebron, which is over the Green Line but whatever. Anyway, the landlord seems like a psycho. Let’s call him ‘Ephraim’. And I think he’s a Hittite. Can I say that? Is that racist? Anyway, he wants 12 post-dated checks plus someone from another tribe to co-sign for the cave. Is that normal?”
Nadav turned the shard over to reveal responses from passers-by. “What is fascinating is that random Israelites stopped what they were doing to provide advice to this woman seeking a cave. One person suggested that she go back to her original place of birth. Another person said “Welcome to the Land of Canaan” which appears to be the earliest recorded use of sarcasm. And another guy appeared to have sent her a ‘Private Parchment Message“.
Professor Nadav stressed that the problems faced by our ancestors on “Secret Harran” are very similar to the problems people write about today on Secret Tel Aviv:
“So I really connected with this girl but she’s like Super Super Mizrahi. I mean I had to get her family’s permission to go on a date with her. Anyway, when I went to the house to meet her Dad, somehow he tricked me into going into business with him. And then he fixes me up with his other daughter, but the thing is she….. has a really nice personality. So now the Dad says if I stay with his agricultural supply company for a couple more years then he will let me date the first daughter too. Anyway Secret Harran…… has anybody else been through this? Is this nuts? Am I in too deep?”
As the Daily Freier ended the interview, construction workers uncovered the first recorded instance of somebody getting banned from “Secret Land of Canaan“.