With Corona moving into our collective rear-view mirror, there are some A-Ma-Zing ideas for exploring this beautiful country of ours! Lots to see, Lots to do, Lots to eat! We have heard of some amazing tours starting this Spring. Unfortunately, we have also heard some not-so-good ideas… and it is our journalistic duty to Spill the Tea. So without further ado, the Daily Freier presents the Ten Worst Tour Ideas for Israel!
1) Locusts & Honey: a culinary tour inspired by John the Baptist!
2) Grab your numbered pottery shards, it’s Bingo Night on Masada!
3) “Find your way out of Dizengoff Center” long weekend adventure
4) “Let’s walk up and down all the hills in Haifa!”
5) “Ecce Homo”: We show you the hottest Gay Night Life in Jerusalem’s Old City!
6) Danny the Digger rummages through your trash and posts it on Youtube.
7) Afula, Afula, Afula!
8) “Festival of the Senses”: A Scratch n’ Sniff Tour of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station
9) Drink beer in Machane Yehuda on a Thursday evening! Wait, Sorry. This is actually Peak Nightlife for Jerusalem. Never Mind.
10) Sarah Tuttle-Singer leads a historical walk through Neve Tzedek but gets really baked and spends the entire evening looking for Tacos instead.
Since 2014, the Daily Freier has scratched your collected itches for weird stuff. Sometimes we even write our stories based on tips from you, our alert readership! But what if a story is just “Too weird for the Daily Freier“? Well, it happens. Here are ten stories that we simply had to reject. Enjoy wondering what might have been.
1. The men who play pétanque on Rothschild Boulevard: without their clothes on!
2. Latest Nefesh B’Nefesh program helps you get banned from Secret Tel Aviv…. BEFORE you make Aliyah!
3. Holmes Gym just opened membership to straight guys too!
4. Afula: Is it the new Neve Tzedek?
5. Bombshell: Two people who work in Israel Advocacy rumored to get along with one another.
6. Win a chance to be named Jerusalem’s Next Top Hot Chani!
7. Maccabi Health offers free personal development classes to anyone in a Purim “couples costume”.
8. Strange But True: The weirdos who enjoy Tel Aviv AND Jerusalem!
9. Sarah Tuttle-Singer takes 3 bong hits and explains the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.
10. “Have I Peed Here Yet?” An interactive street map for Tel Aviv men.
Tel Megiddo: Our Christian friends are in a giant funk today after news broke that Jesus has decided to change the site of the Final Battle between Good and Evil. According to reliable sources, the Prince of Peace decided that Tel Megiddo, lying just southwest of Afula in the Jezreel Valley, lacked the modern amenities to properly host Armageddon. Mr. Yeshua was kind enough to Skype with the Daily Freier and explain his decision.
“I’m sorry, but if we’re going to stage an epic battle between the Forces of Light and Darkness, can we do it near a place with a decent mall? Is that asking too much?Let me put this in perspective. My hometown is no great shakes, but at least we have a really big food mall now. But oh yeah, Afula has a Supersal. Also, I try to keep my interaction with the Deceiver of Men to a bare minimum, and he never stops bitching to me about this. He said that Afula left him bored.”
The Daily Freier challenged Mister Of Nazareth, noting that Afula has a station on the new Jezreel Valley Train line, but he was dismissive. “Oh really? So now you can take a train to Beit She’an? Wow. Or maybe you could take the train all the way to Haifa. I heard they’ve got a great party scene there. Bring your walking shoes.”
Tel Aviv, Florentin: The State of Israel is currently losing patience with the fact that you still haven’t given them a complete synopsis of your Midburn experience, starting with your Camp’s months of preparation and ending with you driving your filthy car home to Tel Aviv. Midburn is Israel’s answer to Burning Man, and attendees are normally about as reluctant to overshare as a Vegan who does Cross-Fit. Anyhoo, The Daily Freier spoke with several of your friends, neighbors, acquaintances, co-workers, relatives, and exes to get their feelings about your critical failure to tell them everything about your Midburn Camp already.
“Wow, I am DYING to hear about his trip.” exclaimed alert local Ronit S. “I mean, everyone from his camp spent the past 2 months hanging out on our apartment building’s communal roof twice a week. It turns out they were building a bunch of structures for their Camp.” Ronit took a drag from her cigarette. “You know, for a while I wasn’t sure, because it all just looked like the regular garbage on our roof.”
The Daily Freier also caught up with your ex, who shared her theories on what happened at Midburn. “I’m going to make a crazy guess…. but they did some drugs….. And then they did some more drugs.”
“Did they listen to electronic dance music?” inquired your cousin Avner. “How about glow sticks. Because I really can’t get enough stories about glow sticks.”
“Wait, did the sand end up EVERYWHERE?” asked your Boss at the Startup. “That’s just CRAZY!” Later, your boss confided that you showed him fake tickets to Berlin for a fake Tech Expo because you didn’t want him to know that you were just going to go hang out in the desert and hallucinate/blow bubbles/wear a costume that looked like something from Return of the Jedi.
Meanwhile, this year’s inaugural Nefesh B’Nefesh camp at MidBurn was met with controversy after 7 Americans who had extended their Taglit trip to attend MidBurn woke up from 8 hours on mushrooms only to find out that they had signed Aliyah paperwork and were about to start Ulpan in Afula as part of the organization’s “Go North Program“.
Finally, the women who work in the next cubicle from you had questions of their own. “So we’ve been discussing this all morning….and it’s still just a concept….but did he have a romantic encounter there? And was he not sure if it was a ‘real life’ romantic encounter or ‘just a Midburn thing’? Because we might have to cancel morning staff meeting and just discuss this instead.”
Yet not everyone in town was even aware that Midburn occurred this week. “So you’re saying that Midburn already happened?” wondered the guy who works at your corner coffee shop. “I guess that explains why I couldn’t get anything on Telegrass last week.“
*Special thanks to alert citizen-journalist Eric Narrow who contributed to this story.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.