Tag: Jews for Jesus

Top Ten Signs there’s a Messianic in your Minyan

So there’s been a recent surge of news stories about Messianic Christians infiltrating Shuls, and people are suddenly waking up to a “new crisis.” Sure, the Daily Freier warned you about this in 2019, but you fools didn’t listen. Their patient and clever plan is to slowly turn us onto The Big J, but we are frankly not interested. No matter how good Bob Dylan’s “Infidels” album was.

Anyhoo, listen up because this is the last time we are going to lecture you on this disturbing topic. Unless this story goes viral, in which case we will ride those jokes until the wheels fall off. So buckle up suckers, here are the Top Ten Signs that there’s a Messianic in your Minyan:


1. He shows up on time.

2. “That’s OK, everybody wraps Tefillin a little differently.

3. “Can we please NOT do so many L’Chaims? I need to get up early.

4. “OMG I just LOVE Matzoh!

5. “This Rabbi is Amazing!” (Ashkenazi Shuls Only)

6. Bibi & Sara attended his recent wedding to a popular reporter and content creator.

7. He thinks Multi-Level Marketing is “stupid” and “a rip-off“.

8. “Well it sounds like you got a pretty fair deal on your house and that you chose a good realtor.

9. “Go ahead and pick the restaurant. A hechsher is a hechser.

10. He found the Daily Freier’s jokes about Jesus and Afula to be in “Bad Taste”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Miracle: Someone just got out of their Hot Cable Contract

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/1/2020 at 6:30 PM

Jerusalem: People are talking of a Modern Day Miracle in the Holy Land this week, as the Unthinkable has come True. That’s right, apparently someone got out of their Hot Cable contract. The Daily Freier wandered around Ben Yehuda Street asking people for their opinion on this Nes Gadol that Haya Po.

This is Amazing, but I have some questions.” noted Adi, a Tech Sector employee from Modiin. “Did they go through the Website? They couldn’t have gone through the website.

So did they find a Sabra to yell at them on their behalf?” inquired Tel Aviv Childcare worker Arielle. “Because the moment they figured out I was an Olah, it was Game Over.

Okay I’m quitting today. If they could do it, I can do it.” enthused Motti, an independent contractor from Jerusalem. The Daily Freier had to gently explain to Motti that it was an Evangelical Christian Group that was not renewed, and this was because it was suspected of targeting Jews for Conversion to Christianity.

So wait, all I need to do is talk about ‘You-Know-Who‘ and I can get out of my contract?” asked Motti. “Too Easy.

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Motti was on the phone with Hot Cable asking the Customer Service Representative if she had a moment to discuss their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Messianics posing as Frum Jews busted after showing up on time to a Simcha

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/17/2019 at 2:30 PM

Chicago, West Rogers Park: The Torah-observant world has been rocked this week by the disturbing news of Messianic Christians infiltrating their community. As reported in Yeshiva World News, “David and Rivkah Castello moved to West Rogers Park in Chicago a few months ago, and they dress, act, and behave like Frum Jews, and daven in local Shuls. Rivkah works as a babysitter for young children in the neighborhood.” David even had his hair in long peyot. Yet despite David and Rivkah’s intense efforts to blend in, alert members of the Community began to detect their deception after the couple vaccinated their kids began to exhibit suspicious behavior like showing up on time to community events. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all the facts.

The Daily Freier first spoke with David’s acquaintance Nachum, to hear his suspicions. “David was perfectly happy davening in any of the local shuls, and he didn’t even have a Shul that he hated so much that he wouldn’t be caught dead there.” Nachum then looked around the room and dropped his voice to a whisper. “Plus, his pants legs were long enough to reach his shoes.

The Daily Freier then spoke with Yankel, who sits next to David in Mincha sometimes. “He kept bragging about his wife’s gefilte fish, which is really weird. But when he said that he was looking forward to Pesach ‘because of all the yummy matzoh‘, I alerted my Rosh Yeshiva. I mean, I also told him that David didn’t know how to unfold a plastic tablecloth.”

Yet if it were not for the keen perception of the Community’s women, David and Rivkah’s deception might have gone undiscovered. “I really liked Rivkah and loved her cooking.” explained neighbor Sarah Shterna. “But when she told me that the soup she served on Shabbat had been in her freezer less than 5 months? Well, something just didn’t feel right. Also, she didn’t start her Pesach cleaning until early March.”

As we spoke to Sarah Shterna, another neighbor heard our conversation and joined in to share her story. “I started to feel uneasy around Purim when we got their mishloach manot and it didn’t have a “theme” or a poem attached.” noted Devorah Leah.  “But then Rivkah showed up to my son’s Bris at 10…. after I told her that it started at 10.”

The Daily Freier asked Devorah Leah about David and Rivkah’s future in the Community. “I’m not sure. The deception really hurt our feelings.” Deborah Leah thought for a moment and continued. “But if they ever try to do this the right way, their level of effort trying to act and look more Jewish than the Jews means they have the potential to be even more annoying than most converts.”

UPDATE: David and Rivkah just got an offer to help run Netanyahu’s social media accounts.