Tag: matzoh

Valerie Plame: Elect me and find out what they put in the Matzoh!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/15/2019 at 11:30 AM

Santa Fe: Political Nerds everywhere (Hi!) are beyond excited this week with the news that former CIA Agent Valerie Plame is running for Congress in New Mexico! For those of you playing along at home, Ms. Plame was in the middle of a giant Balagan about 15 years ago about the Iraq War, secret identities, Dick Cheney, Weapons of Mass Destruction and a bunch of other things from a decade Before the Covfefe Era (BCE). Anyhoo, in addition to all that, Ms. Plame used to be really into Twitter, but now we can’t find her account. Which is weird, cuz it had some pretty cool stuff on it. Like the time she retweeted a story called “America’s Jews Are Driving America’s Wars“.  But that was an honest mistake that she owned up to by saying…. ummm…. “Many neocon hawks ARE Jewish.” Yet this was really just an isolated incident, except, umm, for the other time that she retweeted a 9/11 Conspiracy theory about Dancing Jooz.

Fortunately, Ms. Plame has moved on after her campaign manager snatched her Iphone and deleted her Twitter account and just launched her Congressional Campaign with an A-Ma-Zing video where she drives a Camaro in the desert in reverse faster than Israel created ISIS. Because let’s face it, there’s not a minute to spare. We need Ms. Plame to put on her old CIA sleuth hat and get to the bottom of some stuff that’s been keeping us up at night. Such as….

  1. Who poisoned the village well?
  2. (Something about the Rothschilds. And The Freemasons. And an Octopus.)

And of course…

3. What’s gives their matzoh that special zing?

As a special treat, Ms. Plame also informed us that she has previously unmentioned Jewish ancestors! You know, like Ken Livingstone’s grandmother! And, umm….Julia Salazar. OMG! Or as Ms. Plame now says, ‘Oy Gevalt!’

The Daily Freier will continue covering this story just as soon as we put the finishing touches on tomorrow’s weather.

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Messianics posing as Frum Jews busted after showing up on time to a Simcha

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/17/2019 at 2:30 PM

Chicago, West Rogers Park: The Torah-observant world has been rocked this week by the disturbing news of Messianic Christians infiltrating their community. As reported in Yeshiva World News, “David and Rivkah Castello moved to West Rogers Park in Chicago a few months ago, and they dress, act, and behave like Frum Jews, and daven in local Shuls. Rivkah works as a babysitter for young children in the neighborhood.” David even had his hair in long peyot. Yet despite David and Rivkah’s intense efforts to blend in, alert members of the Community began to detect their deception after the couple vaccinated their kids began to exhibit suspicious behavior like showing up on time to community events. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all the facts.

The Daily Freier first spoke with David’s acquaintance Nachum, to hear his suspicions. “David was perfectly happy davening in any of the local shuls, and he didn’t even have a Shul that he hated so much that he wouldn’t be caught dead there.” Nachum then looked around the room and dropped his voice to a whisper. “Plus, his pants legs were long enough to reach his shoes.

The Daily Freier then spoke with Yankel, who sits next to David in Mincha sometimes. “He kept bragging about his wife’s gefilte fish, which is really weird. But when he said that he was looking forward to Pesach ‘because of all the yummy matzoh‘, I alerted my Rosh Yeshiva. I mean, I also told him that David didn’t know how to unfold a plastic tablecloth.”

Yet if it were not for the keen perception of the Community’s women, David and Rivkah’s deception might have gone undiscovered. “I really liked Rivkah and loved her cooking.” explained neighbor Sarah Shterna. “But when she told me that the soup she served on Shabbat had been in her freezer less than 5 months? Well, something just didn’t feel right. Also, she didn’t start her Pesach cleaning until early March.”

As we spoke to Sarah Shterna, another neighbor heard our conversation and joined in to share her story. “I started to feel uneasy around Purim when we got their mishloach manot and it didn’t have a “theme” or a poem attached.” noted Devorah Leah.  “But then Rivkah showed up to my son’s Bris at 10…. after I told her that it started at 10.”

The Daily Freier asked Devorah Leah about David and Rivkah’s future in the Community. “I’m not sure. The deception really hurt our feelings.” Deborah Leah thought for a moment and continued. “But if they ever try to do this the right way, their level of effort trying to act and look more Jewish than the Jews means they have the potential to be even more annoying than most converts.”

UPDATE: David and Rivkah just got an offer to help run Netanyahu’s social media accounts.

Your gentile friend who “just loves loves loves matzoh”? Well she’s an idiot.

Your gentile friend who just loves matzoh? Well she's an idiot.(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 4/16/2017 at 9:30 AM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: Passover is entering its final 48 hour stretch and Jews as a collective are losing. Their damn. Mind. You forgot what beer tastes like, but somehow you remember it being really nice. No pizza (if you mention matzoh pizza I will hit you. Seriously.) The desserts taste like cardboard sprinkled with Splenda and then put in the oven for an hour or two. (Don’t worry about the exact time. You can’t make it worse.) And there are matzoh crumbs all over your apartment. This sucks.

So this is a perfect time for your college roommate to call and ask how you are enjoying Passover and all of the A-MA-ZING recipes. Remember when you took her to Hillel for matzoh ball soup? And what about matzoh peanut butter and jelly? And OMG did you see the “matzoh gingerbread houses” on Pinterest?

Go to hell.

This is not a game. You’re literally dying over here. And she wants to ask you for your favorite matzoh brei recipe.

How about “fry up matzoh. Add syrup. Wait to cool. Place in trash. Repeat.”

Maybe if you don’t have to eat it for a week straight then matzoh can be a cool ethnic cracker. Or some sort of exotic gluten-free thing. Whatever. It’s basically burnt sawdust. And Monday night you’re just going to stay home, sit on the couch and eat an entire load of bread. By yourself. No cheese. No hummus. No butter. Just bread.

Now she’s calling your mom to ask if she can stop by on Tuesday to get all of their leftover matzoh.

Your mom just said she can take it all right now.