Tag: Judaism

Reform Jew hospitalized after doing whiskey shot each time Rabbi mentioned “Tikkun Olam”

(Please Don’t Try This At Home!)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 12/29/2018 at 5:45 PM

Philadelphia: A member of the Reform Jewish Community is lucky to be alive this evening after engaging in a risky drinking game. Adam G. is currently in stable condition after drinking a shot of Scotch each time the Rabbi at his Reform Temple invoked “Tikkun Olam” during the Shabbat sermon. The Daily Freier spoke with bystanders about this near-tragic event.

I was sitting with Adam in the back of the Sanctuary by that table with all the old issues of Lilith, and things started okay.” explained Adam’s friend Seth. “The Rabbi mentioned the canned food drive, and invoked Tikkun Olam, so Adam took a shot. Fine, whatever. Then the Rabbi kind of got on a roll. When he started talking about Trump, I knew Adam was in trouble. By the time the Rabbi got to his anecdote about meeting Beto O’Rourke at the Austin Rally for Justice, Adam was slurring his words. When the Rabbi started talking about the Fair-Trade Hummus at his Food Co-Op, Adam was on the floor. I started CPR, and everyone sang Bim-Bam until the paramedics arrived.”

According to Adam’s friend Lisa, this sort of risky behavior should not have been a surprise. “Ever since Adam was kicked out of Hebrew Union College Rabbinic School for failing guitar class, he’s been on a bit of a downward spiral. I guess we should have seen this coming.

According to sources close to Adam, he is “totally done” with the Tikkun Olam Drinking challenge. But tomorrow afternoon he intends to read The Forward and do a Bong Hit every time Peter Beinart starts a sentence with As a Jew.

 

 

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OMG I’m DYING to hear about your spiritual trip to Tzfat!

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 12/12/2018 at 12:15 PM

Tzfat: OMG OMG OMG you have GOT to tell us about your visit to Tzfat! I know you’re probably shy about this, because so far you’ve only discussed it with your Mom, your class Whatsapp Group, the guy at the Post Office, and your friend at the gym. But try to tell the story just one more time!

So did you walk down a hidden passageway and meet a cute girl or guy playing guitar on a bench? That’s so Crazy, right? OK, can I see your photos? Were you able to get a picture of the Na Nach Nachman guys dancing around their van? Only in Israel! How about some cool graffiti! Or, and this is a long-shot, but did you get any pictures of cats in a cobblestone alley? You know what? I bet you could totally live there year-round! You should try it!

Wait, did you attend a Kaballah lecture, and then later that night have an experience that you can’t quite explain? Quick question: were you baked at the time?

This is going to be even better than your Midburn stories!

 

Michael Chabon revisits the story of Abraham

[SCENE: Midnight in a dark storage room, Ur of the Chaldeans, 1800 B.C.E. A young man smashes idols on the ground. Suddenly, a stranger appears.]

Stranger: Hey bro, what are you doing?

Young man: I am Abram, son of Terah. And these idols are a Chillul HaShem. They must be destroyed.

Stranger: Your cultural insensitivity toward this indigenous folk art is most depressing. By destroying these idols, you are actually building Ghetto Walls of Jewish Exclusivity. I suppose you also want to marry a Jewish woman, and build your very own endogamous ghetto for two (Not-Satire Alert: He Really Really Said this about marrying a Jew.)

Abram: How do these idiots keep finding me?

(The Freier is posted on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

Israeli Torah Scholar: Hell exists in Judaism, “but only if you park on the sidewalk”

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 8/26/2018 at 9:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Yehoshua Bin Nun Street: A prominent local Yeshiva has just come out with a bombshell of a Rabbinic insight: that there is in fact a Hell in Judaism, and if you park on the sidewalk you may well be on your way there yourself. You see, compared to our Christian and Muslim friends, Jews have tended to downplay the whole “Hell” thing because we get all of our suffering out of the way in this world. Yet just last week a Yeshiva located in South Tel Aviv saw a groundbreaking Dvrei Torah on the subject. The Daily Freier spoke to the young scholar, Nachum W., about his insights on this important topic.

The Torah teaches that HaShem loves all of us”. Nachum explained. “Except whoever parked in front of my building last night so that I had to turn my body sideways just to get to my mailbox. That guy? He’s basically Amalek.”

The Daily Freier challenged Nachum that his drosh seemed overly harsh, but he was adamant. “Whoever does this is committing a Chilul HaShem. Bu they don’t care. It’s almost a contest to them sometimes.” Nachum continued. “It gets worse every day. Honestly, these people act as if they have a Government Permit to behave like this.”

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we noticed that we really shouldn’t hurry, because someone had double-parked in front of our car so that he could get some cigarettes from the Makolet and say hi to his friends.

Olah Hadashah competing to be named ‘Israel’s Most Annoying Convert 2018’

Daily FreierBy Yekutiel Bornstein & Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/18/2018 at 12:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: A recent immigrant to Israel is currently chasing her dream: to be named this year’s Most Annoying Convert to Judaism. Rakhel (NOT Rachel) is hopeful, but she knows the competition is tight. You see, converting to Judaism is about as simple as trying to move money from your bank branch in Tel Aviv to your bank branch in Haifa on the same day that you convert your American driver’s license while lacking your complete driving history since the age of 16. So the people who actually follow through on the whole Balagan in order to join the Most Hated Group of People on Earth™ tend to be…..ummm…. really driven. And umm….. really focused on letting you know just how Jewish they are. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier was also able to speak with some of her friends from before her conversion was complete.

I love spending time with Rakhel and I’m so proud of her.” explained her old friend Devorah. “But ‘Baruch Hashem, I caught the bus at 5:00 Baruch HaShem.’ Yeah, I get it. Baruch HaShem….. Also last time she stopped by my house, she dropped off some pre-cut toilet paper, for just in case she’s ever here on Shabbat.”

In addition the Daily Freier spoke with George, a gentile co-worker who has known Rakhel for 6 years. “I don’t really understand Judaism, but I know that Jewish people always sell me their bread on Pesach and buy it back the next week. And I’m fine with that.” he explained. “But this year after Rakhel sold me her bread, she refused to buy it back the next week because she had stopped eating that hechscher.”

Finally, we were able to meet up with Rakhel after she finished buying a bunch of vegetables at the Shuk that she intends to cook into a stew and store in her second freezer before she serves it to you at a Shabbat lunch 11 months from now.

I never thought I had a chance.” explained Rakhel as we sipped coffee in a cafe with a hechscher that is more strict than your cafe’s hechscher.  “But then Neta won Eurovision and now I know that anything is possible if a girl puts her mind to it…… you know, it wouldn’t hurt Neta to dress a little more Tznius.

We also decided to split a slice of carrot cake, and when it arrived Rakhel made the brachos. Really loud. Really Really loud.  As the conversation continued, the Daily Freier noticed the sheer volume of Yiddish terms that Rakhel was inserting into the conversation, which was weird because she converted in a Sephardic Community. Also, she told the bewildered Coca Cola delivery guy that she was Shomeret Negiyah.

This Derech has not been easy.” admonished Rakhel. “I had to give away all of my old dishes because they were once used for treif. Also the table that the dishes once rested on. And the clothes I once wore while eating treif. And oh yeah I needed to move apartments….. because treif.”

 

 

 

New “American-style” Jerusalem suburb includes a Shul you’ll go to & a Shul you wouldn’t be caught dead in

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/10/2018 at 6:30 PM

Ramat Giv’at Ze’ev: The highly anticipated planned  Jerusalem suburb of Giv’at Ze’ev is being specifically built to meet the preening sense of entitlement very high standards of Israel’s Anglo Community, specifically those from North America. The development will have such Anglo-friendly amenities as large master bedrooms, closets (Note to our native Israeli readers: a closet is like a very small room where you can store things!), private parking, dishwashers, big kitchens, and a country club. Yet that’s not all. In order to truly capture the flavor of the typical North American Jewish community, the development will have two Shuls: one Shul that you go to and one Shul that you wouldn’t enter if they were giving out free salmon by the pound. The Daily Freier spoke with lead architect Danny C. to get all the details.

We know how important it is for Canadian and American Jews to have a Shul that they can’t stand, so we proactively opened a synagogue here last month so that we could have it break apart into two rival Shuls just in time for the first homeowners to move in.” Danny continued. “Even though our Housing Development is still under construction, we moved in a Rabbi and his family, along with a Synagogue Board of Directors.  That way, the Board will be able to not renew the Rabbi’s contract next month, and the Rabbi can then form a breakaway Shul just three blocks away and really get a nice bitter communal split going before the first family even moves in!

Danny also explained that the new development makes it possible for homeowners to customize the synagogue they refuse to step foot in. Homeowners will get to choose 3 of the following options, with additional options available at NIS 10,000 apiece:

  • The shul is too big. It’s like you’re in a mall or something.
  • The shul is tiny. It feels like you’re praying in a closet.
  • The building feels dated, like something from the 1970’s.
  • The building looks like a spaceship. It doesn’t even look like a Shul.
  • The Rabbi hardly speaks.
  • The Rabbi won’t stop talking.
  • The Rabbi is a right-wing fascist.
  • The Rabbi is a left-wing idiot.
  • The cantor is quiet as a mouse.
  • The cantor is a giant showboat.
  • The women’s section is a bunch of gossips.
  • The women’s section feels like a morgue.
  • The mincha takes forever.
  • What is this a race? The mincha was over in 5 minutes.
  • My ex in-laws go there.
  • The kiddush doesn’t have enough food.
  • Did you see the portions at the kiddush?
  • Can you believe they called that a kiddush?
  • Don’t get me started on the kiddush.

While prices for the development’s homes vary based on size and location, Danny assured us that your friends will say that you paid way too much.

 

 

 

 

Is this Minyan Sephardic? Because I am NOT following the Chazan AT ALL

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/4/2018 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv: So I found a Shul really close to my new place in the Kerem. I know, FINALLY! It’s walking distance, and best of all, I can stop by the Shuk on the way home! Isn’t that great? And even better? They keep this really bright green light on when it’s dark out. No more getting lost! Too easy!

But I have to admit, I am like TOTALLY lost during the services. Last night at Arvit? It was like they were speaking a totally different language or something. I mean, I get used to people here making fun of the way I pronounce my “T” as an “S”. You know, “tushb’chasa v’nechemasa”. But these guys? I mean, they were polite enough, but they kept staring at me when I turned around and faced the door for the end of Lecha Dodi (at least that’s where I thought we were). Finally I caught up with them during the Aleinu when they all started bowing down. But get this, they stayed bowed down for, LIKE, a really really long time. I don’t know, maybe it’s a Moroccan Shul?

But everything was pretty chill. I mean, until I tried to do Kiddush at the Oneg afterwards.