Tag: Judaism

Israeli Politics, Tikkun Olam

Reform Jewish Activist caught smuggling Tambourine at Western Wall

(photo credit: SGC Media)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 2/13/2023 at 5:00 PM

Jerusalem, The Dung Gate: With inter-communal tension in Israel on the rise, police today prevented a potentially serious escalation in Jerusalem’s Old City. A Reform Jewish activist  aroused the suspicion of Police as he attempted to enter the Western Wall Plaza. When police searched his WGBH Boston totebag, they discovered a tambourine and some Debbie Friedman bootlegs. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all the facts.

As the suspect was led away in handcuffs, the Daily Freier asked security personnel just what aroused their suspicion. A police spokesman named Assaf answered our questions. “We get a lot of Jerusalem Syndrome here, but this was different. When we asked the suspect what he was doing at the Kotel, he mentioned Tikkun Olam. A lot. He really mentioned Tikkun Olam a lot.”

The Daily Freier then asked Assaf about the suspect’s current state of health and welfare. “At first he was very upset and refused to stop singing ‘Bim Bam’ again and again.” Assaf explained. “But we gave him some back issues of Tikkun Magazine and a nice carob cake. He seems happy.“

The Daily Freier then contacted Jerusalem’s Hebrew Union College and asked if they had anything to do with today’s disturbance. A faculty member named “Rabbi Danny” disputed our line of questioning. “These stereotypes have got to stop. You act like Reform Rabbis walk around barefoot in Shul all day when we’re not busy composting. This simply is not True.“ **

News of the arrest spread like wildfire throughout Israel. “This meddling by so-called Reform Jews is unacceptable and an insult to our Community.” fumed a spokesperson for the United Torah Judaism Party. “Now if you will excuse me, we need to block the extradition of an accused sex offender to Australia.“

As the article went to press, the entire Rabbinical Class from HUC was standing outside of the police station holding candles and singing “Shalom Rav” while some of the students played the guitar.

** Real World Alert: We did in fact visit a Shul where the Rabbi wasn’t wearing any shoes. But in fairness, he was Masorti.  Zero points awarded for guessing that this happened in Tel Aviv.

 

Jerusalem, Judaism

“This is the End!” Yeshiva Bochers react to Tax on Disposable Utensils

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/4/2021 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem, Neve Yaakov: “I feel personally victimized…. by this government!  This obviously anti-religious bill attacks me personally!” lamented Yisroel M, a 20-year-old yeshiva student, describing his feelings about the new tax on disposable plasticware. “If the Yeshiva wanted us to do dishes, they should have put dishwashers in our dorm rooms, but all they gave us was a ‘negel vasser’ sink in the middle of the kitchenette.“

“When my sister Shevy in Sanhedriya heard the news she tore keriya.” Yisroel explained. “As a mom with seven small children, how does anyone expect her to wash dishes? Between her unlicensed gan that she runs out of her house and her cash-only sheitel washing business, she doesn’t have time. With this extra expense, she’s looking for another job….. a few of her neighbors approached her to join their shady MLM.“

We wanted to speak with Shevy but Yisroel warned us not to. “She’s just going to pester you about when you’re going to America next and if you can bring her back some plastic plates in your luggage.” he admonished. “Our aunt just visited and half her suitcase was filled with American toilet paper! What’s wrong with Shevy? Can’t she just order it on Amazon like everyone else?“

Yisroel offered us a cup of grainy instant coffee from his yeshiva lounge as we discussed his distrust of coercive government. “They tax stuff we really need …because they’re telling us what to do! I’m an independent thinker, nobody tells me what to do…. except for my Rosh Yeshiva.”

As we left, Yisroel noted that he was afraid the government would impose taxes on other things that he loved in order to try to make him buy less of them. “What if they taxed black pants that don’t reach my ankles? Or buying cholent Thursday night? Or imagine if they put a tax …. on our cigarettes!“

Haaretz, Judaism

Haaretz discovers new Gods that it can disappoint

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 10/12/2021 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv (Surprise!): Summer might be over, but for Haaretz it’s still apparently Four-Twenty. That’s right, the uniquely ridiculous Lefty News Institution on the other side of town has apparently dipped into the edibles again, because they just discovered some new Gods that they will no doubt soon disappoint with their self-absorbed goofy schtick. You see, our friends at Haaretz are like a gift. A gift that once allowed us to write a story about a performance artist at a Haaretz cultural symposium who threw oranges at the audience and stuck a flag in his tuchus (This. Really. Happened.). So growing into a disappointment to other deities besides the Yud Hey Vav Hey isn’t really a stretch. The Daily Freier launched an intensive flurry of investigative journalism, tracking down several of these deities on their alternative planes of existence.

“I just feel that Gideon Levy’s writing is getting so…. derivative.” complained Thoth the Egyptian deity of Wisdom and Science as he languished on the shores of the Nile. “And don’t get me started on Amira Hass. She just seems nuts…..Can I say that? Is that offensive?  My kid just came back from Oberlin and said that I’m ‘part of the problem’. I’m honestly having a hard time keeping track of the new rules.“

The Daily Freier then spoke with Ishtar, the Akkadian Goddess of Love and Beauty. “I like going out with my girlfriends on Fridays to check out a new cafe or maybe a gallery opening, so I still get the weekend paper delivered to my flat in Neve Tzedek. But their online English edition just seems insane.” Ishtar took a sip of her Tubi and stared into the distance. “So what’s Bradley Burston upset about this week?“

In order to ensure impartiality, the Daily Freier spoke with HaShem, who was dwelling just outside of Tzfat in a reality beyond human concepts of Time and Space. “I know that Schocken has been trying to bait me for years, so right now I’m giving him the silent treatment.” mused the Tetragrammaton as (your favorite pronoun) absentmindedly created a new marsupial. “For years I’ve been complaining about Haaretz to Thor, Quetzalcoatl, and Vishnu at our Sunday poker games…. now maybe they will see what I’ve been dealing with.”

As the Daily Freier was about to end our Zoom call with the Lord of Hosts, we could have sworn that we overheard The Creator offering to trade Haaretz to the Gentiles for Dolly Parton and Chinese food.

Corona Virus, Dating and Relationships, Judaism

Corona Mutations hold Speed Dating event at Bnei Brak funeral

(photo credit: Twitter)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 2/9/2021 at 3:30 PM

Bnei Brak: Despite the ongoing lockdowns, there are still some folks out there who refuse to stop living their best life. That’s right, all of the various and evolving Corona mutations just met up for an evening of speed-dating! You see, Rabbi Haim Meir Wosner, a senior ultra-Orthodox rabbi, died on Sunday at the age of 82 from COVID-19. Thousands of mourners attended his funeral in Bnei Brak, creating the perfect forum for our friends in the Corona Mutation Community to have a “meet & greet” and just maybe meet that “special someone“. The Daily Freier was live on the scene while maintaining appropriate social distance protocols.

“I’m really looking for Mr. Right.” noted Sarah, an Olah Hadasha from South Africa. “I really want to meet a guy who has done a lot of traveling. Maybe a guy from Europe!” Sarah dropped her voice down to a conspiratorial whisper. “I don’t want to jinx myself, but I’m naming my first child “Avi Ben SARS-CoV-2 VOC 2021-2/08” if it’s a boy, and “Rachel Bat SARS-CoV-2 VOC 202012/01” if it’s a girl!“

While we were speaking to Sarah, a number of Olah Hadashot Corona Mutations from the United States seemed to be creating quite a stir. “OMG OMG did you hear that British mutation’s accent?” asked Leah from Boston. “It is SO. HOT.“

Wanting to learn more, the Daily Freier approached this very Eligible British Bachelor Corona Virus Mutation: Richard from Manchester. “I just love the atmosphere here. Even if I don’t get a date, it’s great to meet up with all my friends.” Richard scanned the room and continued. “All of the police barriers were getting in our way and preventing us from being ‘Single Ready to Mingle’, so I was really glad when the funeral guests removed them after 10,000 people showed up!” (Real World Non-Satire Alert: This Really Happened.)

Yet not everybody was so enthusiastic about the event.  The Daily Freier spoke with “Melissa from Florida” who was busy trying to stop her girlfriend Sarit from making “a huge mistake” with a Corona Strain from Italy “who really gets around”.

“Uggh, there’s Yosi. Thanks but no thanks. I’m sorry, but that guy’s been with EVERY girl at my seminary. And now he just got back from doing who-knows-what in Dubai. Sarit needs to stay away from that guy.”

“But he seems NICE!” argued Sarit. “I didn’t notice anything wrong with him. He even told me his Hebrew name: Yosef Lo-Symptomati!“

As the party continued to fill up, we ran into Richard again and asked him if the police might break it all up. “Don’t worry.” he replied breezily. “Bibi said it was OK.“

UPDATE: A prominent Israeli psychic predicts that someone on Secret Jerusalem will be really really offended by this.

Judaism

Undercover cops dressed as Religious Jews busted after showing up on time

By Chava Ewa & Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 6/10/2020 at 5:30 PM

Lakewood: A pair of undercover policemen disguised as Religious Jews had their cover blown at this week’s protest in Lakewood after they said ‘Excuse Me’ when they bumped into someone exhibiting extremely suspicious behavior that immediately identified the men as outsiders to the Community. The Daily Freier has a bit of experience in writing about Undercover Gentiles, so we rushed to the scene to find out just what the heck was going on.

“Their phones were manufactured after 2004.” complained Nachum as he described the undercover cops. “Also, the one guy said he just came from a Simcha but he didn’t have any food wrapped in a napkin stuffed into his pockets.“

“I asked the guys for a cigarette, but they said they didn’t smoke. Crazy, right?” noted local Yeshiva student Moshe. “After neither of them tried to pull me into some kind of Multi-Level Marketing scheme for vitamin supplements, I ran away and called my Rosh Yeshiva.“

Moshe’s classmate Avi then joined in the conversation. “When Moshe asked for a cigarette, the cop accidentally dropped a membership card for…. for….. what’s that place where the Goyim lift the metal bars up and down until they’re sweaty?“

“A Gym?” added the Daily Freier helpfully.

“Yeah, that’s it. A Gym. No way were these guys for real…. well, that and when I said I was single he didn’t try to fix me up with one of his cousins.“

As news of the embarrassing Law Enforcement failure reached the media, the New Jersey State Police were rumored to be stockpiling black pants that don’t actually reach your ankles along with old beat-up minivans.

Editor’s Note: “Lakewood Undercover” would be the World’s Greatest Cop Show.

Jerusalem, Judaism

“No I can’t describe her appearance… she’s a woman!” Jerusalem bank robber escapes again

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 1/29/2020 at 1:30 PM

Jerusalem, Har Nof: “Everyone saw her, but nobody looked!” Police detective Motti F. described his exasperation at trying to catch Jerusalem’s most prolific female bank robber. The sheitel-clad thief dubbed “HaGiveret” by police, has successfully perpetrated a series of brazen robberies in Jerusalem’s religious neighborhoods, leaving behind many male witnesses but nobody who can actually identify her… because that would mean… you know… men admitting that they were actually looking at a woman.

Detective Motti explained. “Our police sketch artist used to work for Mishpacha Magazine, he’s great at drawing male criminals, but when he sat with witnesses to the robberies, all the sketches he produced had blurred-out faces! Honestly, this is worse than when I worked in Tel Aviv and tried to find a bike thief who wore a hipster beard.”

A witness to one robbery described the scene. “She walked into the bank and yelled that she had a gun, and nobody was afraid of her. But then, she started singing along to the elevator music and someone cried out ‘Kol Isha! Assur!‘ and everyone ran away. She had plenty of time to take all the money….and the rugelach in the break room.”

Working on a tip that the suspect had fled into a certain apartment building, police knocked on doors and gathered a group of suspects for a police lineup (OK, they needed to look busy so they just rounded up a few random religious women… because who else but a master criminal needing to disguise their identity would own several wigs?) Local resident Raizy D. described the momentary panic that ensued. “When all those men with guns stormed in, we thought they were from the tax authority… that they had heard about my unlicensed mishpachton or Blumie’s cash-only catering business or the store in Ruchi’s machsan. Anyhow, none of us are that bank robber lady, we wouldn’t do that! Imagine…. religious people breaking the law like that!”

Judaism, Pesach

We want Moshiach Now! …but not like “Now” Now
(photo credit: we got this from a government website so we should be OK)

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 1/12/2020 at 11:30 AM

Jeru: Comfortable American Olim are definitely NOT looking forward to giving up their Pesach tzimmer in order to bring about the Messianic Era. How do we know this? The Daily Freier wandered around Machane Yehuda this morning asking random Jerusalemites if they were really truly ready for Moshiach.

“Of course I pray for Moshiach, it’s right here in my siddur. Don’t let anyone tell you that I don’t daven from my siddur properly.” said Moishy L., resident of The-Neighbourhood-Formerly-Known-As-Har-Nof.  “You’re asking me if I want Moshiach to come? For sure I do, but like maybe after Pesach…because we’re renting this awesome Pesach tzimmer with a pool and a jacuzzi.”

“Of course, we want Moshiach and the Beis haMikdash… but like after the summer.” chimed in Ruchie, Moishy’s wife. “We already paid for our oldest to go to Yeshiva Extreme Sports Camp in America for bein hazmanim… do you realize how much that cost?? We’re Levites, and it would just be a shame if he had to leave camp because he was called up for Temple service.”

“But wait!” Ruchie suddenly exclaimed. “Does that mean we might need to leave here because Moshiach will tell us where each of the shvatim will live? Because I just spent three months shipputzing my kitchen! For sure I want Moshiach to come, but don’t you realize how long I spent picking out these tiles?”

“The Rambam tells us that even though he may tarry like the Amazon delivery man, Moshiach is definitely coming.” advised Rabbi Avi G., “If you want to be prepared for when we can offer the Korban Pesach, you’ll need my Haggadah.”

The Daily Freier can now confirm that although this post is satire, the Haggadah is very real, bearing the approval of the Chief Rabbi of Israel, David Lau and the badatz has carefully checked each page to ensure that no gebrochts has been used in the printing process. (Ok, we made that last part up…but you believed it for a second, didn’t you?)

Instead of paying our authors a living wage, sometimes we let them plug their producst or the products of their friends. So If you are interested in pre-ordering a copy of Hagadat haPesach, it’s $36, which isn’t much compared to the million billion shekels you will be spending on dry crackers and that Pesachdik gefilte fish that nobody likes. Pre-order your Hagaddah here!

4:20, Judaism, Only in Israel

“Why are you dancing on my van & trying to hug me?” Oleh who bought used van has questions

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/24/2019 at 1:15 PM

Beitar Illit: “The weirdest things have been happening since I bought this van.” noted Beitar Illit resident and father-of-nine Yitzi P. “We just made Aliyah last month and I got a good deal on a used van from some hippie religious guys…. they were really nice, they even included a CD player and some CDs. It’s funny, but whenever I stop at a red light, people start dancing and the guys in tight jeans and gelled hair run out to give me hugs and call me “achi”…..that means brother, right? People are so friendly here!”

Yitzi continued. “Then, a guy comes up to my window and gives me a little bag and asked me if I “rotzeh samim?” It took me a minute because my Hebrew isn’t so good, but I realized that he was giving me havdala spices! That’s so nice, right? He was doing kiruv like the Chabad ladies who give out candles. After a few days, I ended up with a few extra bags of havdala spices, so I decided to share the mitzvah too…I’ve been giving them out whenever people come over and try to dance with me at traffic lights!”

Yitzi explained that he’s happy in Israel. “I think I totally understand Israelis now. …but hey, that police car looks like it’s been following me all day. Do you think I have a busted tailight or something?”

Start Up Nation, Yom Kippur

Israel adds extra Yom Kippur just for Scooter Riders

“This is your chance to apologize to us.”

(photo credit: Hazel Orpen)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/11/2019 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: In the greatest change to Judaism in centuries, Israel has added an extra Yom Kippur. Yet it’s reserved specifically for scooter riders, because they suck  their actions have posed a unique challenge to 21st Century Israeli society. Specifically: how does one repent for anti-social behavior if a single Yom Kippur is not enough? The Daily Freier walked over to the Tel Aviv Rabbanut to get all of the facts.

 

We were greeted in the Lobby by Yossi, the Rabbanut’s Director of Community Outreach. We asked him exactly what prompted this drastic action. “The rise of the scooter has affected us all.” he explained. “Bird, Lime, whatever. Remember when electric bicycles were the most annoying vehicle on the sidewalk? Good Times.”

The Daily Freier asked Yossi just how the Rabbanut could possibly change the Jewish calendar. “Why not?” he replied. “We have 3 Election Days this year. What’s an extra Kol Nidre?” Yossi thumbed through the Gemara looking for a specific passage.  “This extra Yom Kippur…. it is a chance for you to repent for being such a… how do I say this without committing Lashon Hara?….. for being such a sociopathic ass.”

The Daily Freier challenged Yossi, noting that anti-social behavior takes many forms. “You raise a compelling point.” Yossi replied, as he pulled another book from the shelf. “Next year, bzrat HaShem, ‘Extra Yom Kippur’ will also apply to people who play matkot on the beach.”

In the spirit of diversity, Daily Freier will also be accepting repentance from those of you who park on the sidewalk.

 

 

Jerusalem, Judaism

‘I’m not Giveret!’ Secular Jerusalem Woman’s winter clothes make her look religious

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/3/2019 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem: “I wish they’d stop calling me ‘giveret’… and stop wishing me ‘b’sha’ah tova’ already!“ yelled secular, unmarried Jerusalem resident Olga R. “It happens every winter.” she explained. “When it gets cold, I wear a warm hat and a big cozy sweater and suddenly they think I’m one of “them”… you know, those religious women who are always pregnant. I would correct them, but then I’d have to give up my seat on the bus.”

As winter weather settles over Israel, secular Israelis find themselves in the uncomfortable situation of being mistaken for their religious brethren. The Daily Freier sat down with a few of these misunderstood souls. “It was freezing cold, so I wore a long skirt with thick tights.” Yaffa explained. “So, this cute religious guy starts chatting me up and asks me if I want to go to a hotel with him. I agreed, but when we got there, he just wanted to sit in the lobby and drink a Coke Zero. Worst. Hookup. Ever ….even worse than that Tinder guy who took my old couch.”

Yossi G. recalled an incident on the fast train to Tel Aviv. “It was raining, so I was wearing a hat and long black raincoat and reading a vintage Hebrew poetry book when this creepy yeshiva bachur sits down beside me. He said ‘You really look like you know how to shteig. What sugya are you into? I’m looking for a chavrusa.’ I though it was a gay pickup line.”

“These religious people are so superficial… they just judge people by external stuff… it’s disgusting.” Yossi complained as Yaffa and Olga agreed. Just then, Yaffa realized that her phone battery had died and asked Yossi to use his phone. “I left it in the car.” he said. Later, as Yaffa was leaving, Yossi confided to the Daily Freier that he had lied about leaving his phone in the car “I have an iPhone X, I didn’t want her to see it and think I’m a nerd. I’m getting my iPhone 11 delivered next week.”