By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 4/16/2017 at 9:30 AM
Tel Aviv, The Old North: Passover is entering its final 48 hour stretch and Jews as a collective are losing. Their damn. Mind. You forgot what beer tastes like, but somehow you remember it being really nice. No pizza (if you mention matzoh pizza I will hit you. Seriously.) The desserts taste like cardboard sprinkled with Splenda and then put in the oven for an hour or two. (Don’t worry about the exact time. You can’t make it worse.) And there are matzoh crumbs all over your apartment. This sucks.
So this is a perfect time for your college roommate to call and ask how you are enjoying Passover and all of the A-MA-ZING recipes. Remember when you took her to Hillel for matzoh ball soup? And what about matzoh peanut butter and jelly? And OMG did you see the “matzoh gingerbread houses” on Pinterest?
Go to hell.
This is not a game. You’re literally dying over here. And she wants to ask you for your favorite matzoh brei recipe.
How about “fry up matzoh. Add syrup. Wait to cool. Place in trash. Repeat.”
Maybe if you don’t have to eat it for a week straight then matzoh can be a cool ethnic cracker. Or some sort of exotic gluten-free thing. Whatever. It’s basically burnt sawdust. And Monday night you’re just going to stay home, sit on the couch and eat an entire load of bread. By yourself. No cheese. No hummus. No butter. Just bread.
Now she’s calling your mom to ask if she can stop by on Tuesday to get all of their leftover matzoh.
Your mom just said she can take it all right now.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
Long time ago. Talking a real long time ago. In the Land of Israel. Boy wouldn’t it be great to buy into the real estate market back then? Wait a sec….so my son-in-law is telling me it was 2200 years ago. Jared Kushner. Smart guy. Very smart guy. I mean he married my daughter, am I right? So he’s telling me that Alexander the Great led a Greek Army that came in, and everything was great for a while until it wasn’t. Sounds like Astoria in Queens, right? I’m kidding people. Greeks are great people. Great, great people. Anyway, the next King? Not so good. Antiochus. Bad hombre.
(Sort of Based on a True Story, so we sort of changed the names! DM us for the real ones!)
By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/22/2016 at 8:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Savidor: Sincere fan of Israel and Israeli life “Alison” is bound and determined to make Aliyah, but as a Gentile in semi-good standing, she faces a very uphill fight. Yet Alison has never let small details get in the way of her goals. In fact, Alison is now on her way to the Jewish Agency and Nefesh B’ Nefesh in Jerusalem to plead this case under her very unique reading of the Law of Return, specifically the “hands-on support” she provided to a certain lucky dude in the Israel Defense Force’s Golani Brigade off and on for most of last year. The Daily Freier caught up with Alison at Savidor Bus Terminal as she prepared to take a bus to Jerusalem to present her case.
“I honestly don’t know what the big deal is. I mean I love it here. I really like Passover Seders. I love love love Purim. And besides, Nefesh B’Nefesh already decided to accept your Catholic friend from back home who everyone always thought was kinda Jewish anyway. So there’s like precedent and stuff. Also, I can’t wait to start an Aliyah Blog. Nobody ever does that. It will be unique!”
When the Daily Freier challenged Alison that Aliyah is a difficult task even for Jews and must be supported with documentation, she quickly looked us in the eye and cut us off mid-sentence. “Oh, I’ve earned this. Believe me….. I’ve earned this.”
Meanwhile, the Golani soldier at the center of this case who we’ll call “Yonatan”, could not be reached as he was currently on hardship duty, chaperoning a Birthright trip through the Negev. Yet this case has already had dramatic repercussions beyond Golani to units throughout the IDF. Upon hearing of our heroine Alison’s travails, a spokesperson from the Paratroopers indicated that they have extended Liberty next weekend and will be around Tel Aviv by Thursday….plus they have better boots.
UPDATE: In an unexpected bit of good news, the clerk at the Jewish Agency who received Alison’s application also served in Golani so he fast-tracked her Aliyah package……And Oh by the Way, sent her a very…. personal photo…. via fax.