Tag: Judaism

The Ashkenazim purchase legal rights to Mimouna; promise blander food & less noise complaints next year

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 5/28/2017 at 5:30 PM

Ramat Aviv: In a move described as “bold” and “daring“, the Ashkenazi Community purchased the rights to the Mimouna Holiday from the Mizrachi Community today. According to the one page flyer that they stuck in the little wooden box on the front of your seat in synagogue, the move has been planned since right after Passover, and was finalized to coincide with the arrival of Shavuot this week. Mimouna, the post-Passover Holiday celebrated by North African Jews, is known for its plentiful food and colorful costumes. And the Ashkenazim vow not to change anything. Except they’re going to make the food a bit blander and easier to digest. And the music is going to be toned down a bit. Especially after 10 PM. Also we’re going to need to make the music slower. And maybe add a fiddle. The Daily Freier stopped by Ashkenazi World Headquarters in Ramat Aviv to get the whole Megillah on this dramatic turn of events.

We’ve always admired Mimouna.” explained Ashkenazi World Spokeswoman Miriam G. “Those nice dresses the men and women wear. The sweets. The music. So when we found out that the rights to the holiday were now up for sale, we jumped at the opportunity!” The Daily Freier asked Miriam exactly how this once in a lifetime opportunity came about. “So the legal ownership of Mimouna became convoluted over time, but our lawyers were able to untangle the chain of custody and determine that the rights were currently being held by a hummus place in Ashkelon that also fixes cars sometimes. So we put out some feelers and found out they were willing to sell. Then we designed a compensation package with 50% up front and 5 years of scheduled 10% payments from an escrow account, and Boom! We had a deal!”

Miriam went on to explain that while the Ashkenazim intend to maintain the spirit of the holiday, there are going to be some changes. “We want a Mimouna that is just as authentic but maybe a bit less chaotic.”  When the Daily Freier challenged Miriam for details, she summed up the Ashkenazi plan thusly:  “Reduced chances of losing track of your shoes at some point during the evening but with greater opportunities for getting bored….. Also my husband’s heartburn has been acting up lately so we may need to get rid of that dry ground red pepper that they put in everything. And our neighbors get up early to drive to Jerusalem each morning, so we need to be finished by 10 PM, maximum 10:30.”

Not surprisingly, this move has led to a few hurt feelings. “This is outrageous!” complained an irate woman named Maygal whom we talked to in the Rehovot train station. “Soon you Ashkenazim are going to take everything we have and make it boring and stupid. How would you like it if we took your Leonard Cohen or Barbra Streisand or whatever and added electronic drums plus sound effects from a dance club and then ran it through the sound system of a 2003 Toyota Corolla with tinted windows?” When the Daily Freier replied that this actually sounded kinda cool, Maygal shoved us and stormed off.

In any event, at least there will still be some sort of dance that involves everybody wandering around in a circle.

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The “Ivanka Heter”: next big trend?

By Yekutiel Bornstein & A Frum Anglo Woman who lives sorta near Jerusalem

Last Updated 5/25/2017 at 2:30 PM

Jerusalem: No longer content to simply copy stylish first daughter Ivanka Trump’s hairstyle and clothing, the trendy and religiously observant from Manhattan to Beit Shemesh have been packing the offices of local rabbis seeking an “Ivanka heter“….. rabbinical dispensation to break the laws of Shabbat due to “pikuach nefesh” (life-threatening circumstances)…. like, you know, wanting to go on a really cool trip with their dad.

Keeping Shabbat is hard.” noted Rivky R, a lifelong Shomre Shabbat aficionado. “I never realized how life-threatening some situations truly are… for example missing out on my cousin’s bachelorette night…but now that I think about it, this really is a situation I should ask my rabbi about. Thanks Ivanka!

The Daily Freier walked down to our local Rabbanut (which we’ve been doing a lot of lately) to get all of the facts. We caught one young Rabbi as he was leaving to do Kashrut Inspections, and he took the time to listen to our halakhic conundrum: Flying on the Sabbath is forbidden. But we really really want to fly. The Rabbi thought about our brain teaser for a moment before responding. “Flying on Shabbat? That’s crazy! Like, you know, eating during a Hunger Strike or something.”

The Daily Freier continued to scour the Rabbanut to find out who gave Jared and Ivanka the go-ahead, but nobody actually knew who gave the dispensation (Really!). So the Daily Freier got bored and decided to walk down to the beach and ask average Israelis what they thought. Fortunately, we ran into alert local Ronit S. who while not being Shomre Shabbat, considers herself Masorti and slowly moving back onto the Derech. Ronit was quite enthusiastic about Ivanka’s Rabbinic dispensation. “I love Ivanka’s style and I want to  get the same heter as Ivanka. Also the same dress. And the same shoes….. but can a Disc Jockey also qualify for pikuach nefesh? Because last Friday night a DJ saved my life.

Your gentile friend who “just loves loves loves matzoh”? Well she’s an idiot.

Your gentile friend who just loves matzoh? Well she's an idiot.(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 4/16/2017 at 9:30 AM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: Passover is entering its final 48 hour stretch and Jews as a collective are losing. Their damn. Mind. You forgot what beer tastes like, but somehow you remember it being really nice. No pizza (if you mention matzoh pizza I will hit you. Seriously.) The desserts taste like cardboard sprinkled with Splenda and then put in the oven for an hour or two. (Don’t worry about the exact time. You can’t make it worse.) And there are matzoh crumbs all over your apartment. This sucks.

So this is a perfect time for your college roommate to call and ask how you are enjoying Passover and all of the A-MA-ZING recipes. Remember when you took her to Hillel for matzoh ball soup? And what about matzoh peanut butter and jelly? And OMG did you see the “matzoh gingerbread houses” on Pinterest?

Go to hell.

This is not a game. You’re literally dying over here. And she wants to ask you for your favorite matzoh brei recipe.

How about “fry up matzoh. Add syrup. Wait to cool. Place in trash. Repeat.”

Maybe if you don’t have to eat it for a week straight then matzoh can be a cool ethnic cracker. Or some sort of exotic gluten-free thing. Whatever. It’s basically burnt sawdust. And Monday night you’re just going to stay home, sit on the couch and eat an entire load of bread. By yourself. No cheese. No hummus. No butter. Just bread.

Now she’s calling your mom to ask if she can stop by on Tuesday to get all of their leftover matzoh.

Your mom just said she can take it all right now.

The story of Chanukah as told by Donald J. Trump

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(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

Long time ago. Talking a real long time ago. In the Land of Israel. Boy wouldn’t it be great to buy into the real estate market back then? Wait a sec….so my son-in-law is telling me it was 2200 years ago. Jared Kushner. Smart guy. Very smart guy. I mean he married my daughter, am I right? So he’s telling me that Alexander the Great led a Greek Army that came in, and everything was great for a while until it wasn’t. Sounds like Astoria in Queens, right? I’m kidding people. Greeks are great people. Great, great people. Anyway, the next King? Not so good. Antiochus. Bad hombre.

(THE DAILY FREIER IS OVER ON TIMES OF ISRAEL TODAY. CHECK US OUT!)