Last Updated 20 May 2026 at 19:00
Jerusalem: Israel’s Anglo Olim Community was visibly shaken today after the Knesset passed a Law punishing anyone who says “Shavuis” instead of Shavuot. The Holiday of Shavuot, which will start this Thursday evening, is usually a Holiday where you can stay up all night pestering your Rabbi with off-the-wall questions while eating cheesecake. But not this year. First time offenders can expect to pay a fine of up to 500 Shekels, while repeat offenders can be punished with up to 30 days in Jail. Of course, the Anglo Olim community reacted with the level-headed sense of proportion that they are known for because…. Oh, who are we kidding. We lost our damn mind. With the Knesset’s new Law turning regular Anglo Olim into Linguistic Outlaws, various members of the Community mobilized to complain and threaten to make Yerida fight the Injustice. The Daily Freier caught up with some of these Angry Anglos in Jerusalem’s Crack Square at the bottom of Ben Yehuda Street.”We are going to march across the City!” shouted a bullhorn-wielding Shoshana L., spokeswoman for the Union of Seminary Students in Israel. “We will walk all the way to that… that place with all the buses. You know, the Tachana Merkazayis.” *
The Daily Freier then spoke to an irate guy wearing a New York Mets cap and tzitzit. “Can I blame this on Nefesh B’Nefesh lying to me?” he asked querulously. “Because I would like to blame this on Nefesh B’Nefesh lying to me.”
Finally, the Daily Freier spoke with an older gentleman with a handlebar mustache and a fedora named David. “If only we could enlist the help of someone who knows what it’s like to be persecuted for his pronunciation of Hebrew.” David thought for a moment and shouted into the distance. “Help us Tal Brody, you’re our only Hope!“
National reactions to the new draconian law were mixed. The Tel Aviv-based Vegan Defense League issued a statement through their spokesperson Aurelia Lynn. She noted that they were not following the issue closely because their organization is “like this close” to convincing Tel Aviv’s Mayor to ban consumption of real cheesecake over the Holiday. “Wait...” said Ms. Lynn. “Do you think this might cause people to start thinking that Vegans are annoying?“
For his part, Prime Minister Netanyahu vowed to fight the new Law until it’s overturned “…or until somebody in my Coalition yells at me and/or threatens to quit.”
As the story went to print, the Daily Freier heard rumors that the Government had already established a “Pronunciation Re-Education” camp for repeat offenders. We asked our source in the Knesset if this was indeed true, and where such a Camp might be located. “Yes, there is such a Camp.” he told us furtively over the phone. “It’s up north… near Tzfas.”
