Tzfat: OMG OMG OMG you have GOT to tell us about your visit to Tzfat! I know you’re probably shy about this, because so far you’ve only discussed it with your Mom, your class Whatsapp Group, the guy at the Post Office, and your friend at the gym. But try to tell the story just one more time!
So did you walk down a hidden passageway and meet a cute girl or guy playing guitar on a bench? That’s so Crazy, right? OK, can I see your photos? Were you able to get a picture of the Na Nach Nachman guys dancing around their van? Only in Israel! How about some cool graffiti! Or, and this is a long-shot, but did you get any pictures of cats in a cobblestone alley? You know what? I bet you could totally live there year-round! You should try it!
Wait, did you attend a Kaballah lecture, and then later that night have an experience that you can’t quite explain? Quick question: were you baked at the time?
Tel Aviv, Weizmann: In a sign of the changing times that we live in, Tel Aviv’s Municipal Court is amending its laws for approving the granting of a divorce. Starting January 1st, “Our Dogs Were Not Compatible” is now a legally binding grounds for divorce under the civil laws of the State of Israel for couples who have resided within Tel Aviv city limits for at least one calendar year.
“Think of this as the Judicial System meeting a remarkably self-absorbed city halfway.” explained Senior Judge Yekutiel S. “The court is also currently contemplating whether to permit a divorce when one partner states that they want to move north of the Yarkon River or East of Ayalon Highway.”
In order to get a sense of the human side of this ruling, the Daily Freier spoke to the unfortunate litigants of a civil divorce as they departed the courtroom.
“When I first met Danny, everything was great.” explained a tearful Smadar R. “He seemed to really like Chris, my Lhasa Apso. But then six months after we got married he decided he wanted a chocolate lab. He said he always wanted one growing up in America. I told him that this would make Chris upset. And besides, by then it was illegal in the city to own a normal sized dog. But no. He just HAD to have a chocolate lab. And yada yada yada we’re here in divorce court.”
After Smadar’s departure, the Daily Freier was able to have some words with Danny as well. “Really?” he noted sarcastically; “She’s still going on about Chris? Did I mention that Chris has its own dog therapist? Second of all, she named her dog Chris. WTF? Like Who does that? And with her accent it was always ‘Kreees! Kreees!‘ I still hear that shit in my sleep…..Wait, did she ask anything else about me?”
In order to prevent circumvention of the law by parties that did not meet residency requirements, the Court requires extensive documentation of Tel Aviv residency. However, the Court has a number of venues to establish proof of residency to include Arnona bills, old bracelets from Biggie Z, screenshots of a blog you started and then stopped when you made Aliyah, archived questions that you asked on Secret Tel Aviv (Asking “on behalf of a friend” is also accepted), and a sworn/notarized statement from your juice guy that he saw you around a lot.
For a moment, The Daily Freier thought about writing a little about the Beit Din, but the last time we did that we got jumped by a bunch of yeshiva bochers and now we can’t go back to Tzfat any more.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.