1) Get more votes.
2) Win an Election.
1) Get more votes.
2) Win an Election.
Last Updated 5/14/2023 at 12:30 PM
Tel Aviv: Israel’s humor community is in a funk today, thanks to the continued exile of their biggest meal ticket: Yair Netanyahu. According to The Jerusalem Post, the Prime Minister’s son has been banished to America and barred from social media by his family. That’s right, The Netanyahus have shipped their Prolific Tweeter/Shitposter to the USA. You see, Mr. Yair has proven to be a bit of a distraction to our Prime Minister, who has been busy himself keeping together a coalition/bad sitcom featuring such wacky character actors as Bezalel Smotrich and Itamar Ben Gvir. So for political expediency, Yair’s been temporarily banished. Naturally, this is causing a huge crisis among Israel’s humorists. The Daily Freier reached out to members of the Community as they struggled with this loss to their livelihoods.
“My recent article about Yair and Prince Harry is in serious jeopardy.” whined The Mystery Man Who Writes the “Pre-Occupied Territory” Blog. “Things can’t go on like this. Bibi, please think of the satirists. I have a mortgage.”
“We need him on Twitter.” admonished distraught local comedian Benji Lovitt. “And not just because Israel doesn’t have Truth Social. If he stays in America, I’m filing for unemployment insurance.”
The Daily Freier then walked around our own office in Dizengoff Center and asked Tel Aviv Culture reporter Aaron Pomerantz about his thoughts. “This is worse than the Corona Lockdown when we were trapped indoors and forced to satirize ourselves.” complained Mr. Pomerantz as he drank his coffee hafuch. “Between this and Secret Tel Aviv being way less weird these days, I may have to get a real job. But I won’t.“
As the Daily Freier went to press, Israel’s satirists breathed a sigh of relief on news that Sara is yelling at The Help again.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/16/2020 at 10:30 AM
Dubai: Years of hard work by diplomats from the United Arab Emirates, Israel, and the United States are up in smoke today after the UAE abruptly withdrew from its Peace Deal with Israel. What caused this change? The BDS Movement? No. An angry phone call from Abu Mazen? Nope. The whiny complaints of Ben Rhodes or Peter Beinart? No, but they were hilarious. No, No, No. In the end, the deal was destroyed by the arrival of a unique threat. That’s right, Israeli tourists showed up. The Daily Freier was able to get the facts just before Dubai permanently banned Israelis again forever.
“It seemed like a good idea.” explained a Tourism Ministry employee named Ahmed. “The young Israelis said they wanted to have a ‘Nature Party’ on the sand dunes. Who doesn’t love nature?” Ahmed took a long sip from his coffee and stared out the window into the distance. “Your young people really like trance music and Ecstasy.“
“We had a problem on a flight last night.” sighed Ibrahim, a Customs Officer at Dubai International Airport. “We don’t even know how the Israelis got on the airplane during Corona, but they did.” Ibrahim nervously fidgeted with his cigarette and continued. “May I ask you a question? What does ‘Ani rotzah shokolad‘ mean?“
Finally, the Daily Freier stopped by the Dubai Hilton to try to figure out what went wrong. “I am sorry, but I do not have time to speak with you.” explained the manager. “The bathrobes and hair dryers are currently missing from all of our rooms.“
When asked about the abrupt diplomatic loss, Prime Minister Netanyahu was surprisingly relaxed. “The irony is that the Emiratis did not even get a chance to meet our National Dream Team of Tourist All-Stars.“
So for Israel’s Independence Day, our very own President Rivlin let his voice be used for the driving instructions on Waze, the Israeli Navigation App. However, the Daily Freier learned that Rivlin was not Waze’s first choice…. but that all the other choices disqualified themselves for one reason or another. So the Daily Freier has uncovered the transcripts for these rejected applicants and shared them with you, our loyal readers. To date we have shared the Waze instructions provided by Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer and also your Nefesh B’Nefesh Aliyah Counselor! Anyhoo, guess who we have today? That’s right, the Netanyahus: Bibi, Sara, and Yair! Isn’t this Amazing? Let’s check it out!
Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu: Good afternoon and I would like to thank you for using Waze for your journey today. Did you know that Israeli innovation has led to the cherry tomato, the thumb drive, and Gal Gadot? We are truly the Start-Up Nation becau….
Sara Netanyahu: OK Hurry up and pull into traffic, we don’t have all day.
Bibi: So where are you driving today? Herzliya? Excellent choice! It is an incubator for technology and…
Sara: Turn left! Didn’t I tell you to turn left? Why aren’t you listening to me? You don’t think I’m educated? I am a trained psychologist! Psych-o-lo-gist! B.A ! M.A ! Don’t you know who I am? You’re going to get fired! You want to get fired?
Bibi: Sara, we can’t fire him. He doesn’t actually work for us. Besides, our new friend is going to do me a favor and run into this cigar store in the Tel Aviv Namal Port and pick up that box of Dominican Coronas I ordered. Wait, you asked how much you need to pay? Oh don’t be silly, I don’t pay for stuff like this. But go ahead and take this bag of deposit bottles in with you and bring back the change. Thank you my friend, I appreciate it. You know, a Waze trip is really a team effort. Like a sports team. Or, I don’t know, a submarine.
[Vehicle has temporarily stopped.]
Sara: You’re back?! Finally?! What are we paying you for? Hurry up and drive!
Yair Netanyahu: Hey, we’re about to pass the Pussycat Lounge. Can you jump out and ask if Cinnamon is working tonight? Because she said that if I bring people to the champagne room during her shift, she would rock my…..
Sara: Turn left! I told you to turn left!
Bibi: Hey, you missed the turn. Where are you going? And why are you trying to get out of the car? We’re in the middle of traffic! Wait, you want to quit your Waze trip? Come on, let’s talk about this. Because I’m willing to do almost anything to keep you in this coalition car with us. Name your price. Close all the makolets on Shabbat? Deal. Keep exempting Haredim from conscription? Consider it done. Go back on my word about letting the Reform pray at the Western Wall? Done and Done. Hey, where are you going???
Yair: Achi, before you go…. can I borrow 400 Shekels?
Last Updated 2/6/2018 at 5:00 PM
Jerusalem: The search is on for a new Israeli national anthem: one which is inclusive, sensitive and non-offensive. A source in the Prime minister’s office tells the Daily Freier that the Prime minister was inspired by Canadian Prime Minister Justin Zoolander Trudeau’s bold move of altering Canada’s national anthem to gender-neutral wording (yes… really.) “Hatikva is a pretty song, but it fails to take into account the people who actually don’t have hope…. you know, like people holding for Hot Cable’s Customer Service, the people waiting for Tel Aviv’s light rail, and your friend who is still stuck at the Department of Motor Vehicles in Beit Shemesh.” noted Ari S., an aide in the Prime Minister’s Public Relations Office. “And what about the line “Ayin l’tzion tsofiya“… it’s so insensitive to the Blind!”
“Bibi is obsessed with Canada.” Ari explained. “He’s kinda jealous of all the attention Canadian Prime minister Justin Trudeau gets… and Justin’s majestic head of hair.” Ari revealed that the Prime minister called an all-night staff meeting to determine why Canada is popular and Israel isn’t. “Somebody suggested that the difference in popularity was due to… you know…. the latent worldwide climate of Anti-Semitism… but that got shot down when one of Bibi’s assistants brought up the fact that Israeli ice hockey still sucks and that it’s difficult to find good poutine in the Mercaz, let alone in the periphery.”
The new inclusive, gender-neutral, non-discriminatory national anthem is currently being recorded as a duet by Dana International and Noa. And in a cool tie-in, on the same day as the release of the single, the Wildlife Authority will release a herd of moose into the Golan Heights. “This is going to be the most Canadian thing ever.” explained Ari. “More Canadian than Gordon Lighfoot and Shania Twain drunk-driving a Zamboni machine into a Tim Horton’s.”
Drake had no comment.
Last Updated 9/6/2017 at 1:30 PM
Tel Aviv Dog Beach: Amid ongoing investigations for, as far as we can tell, illegally forcing their household help to hide cigars and 30 Agurot deposit bottles inside of furniture while riding on a submarine, reliable sources now declare that the only member of the Netanyahu family not under police investigation is their dog: serial biter/stealth pooper Kaiya Netanyahu. And with the rest of the family in a bit of “deep dog doo doo” Kaiya finds herself the only Netanyahu who has not been interviewed under caution by the police. We had a chance to speak with Kaiya after she finished swimming at the Tel Aviv Dog Beach.
“I just really feel that our family is under attack from the media.” explained Kaiya as she dried off in the sun. “Like what happened to Yair and I last month when that crazy woman followed us and took our picture. It’s just not fair.”
The Daily Freier then asked. “So you’re saying that you and Yair did not in fact leave your poop on a sidewalk unattended?”
“What are you doing for the Holidays?” replied Kaiya. “Are you going anyplace nice?”
The Daily Freier asked Kaiya if she has ever seen the family take bribes or illegally accept gifts. “Never! I hate the smell of cigars! And submarines make me claustrophobic!”
As Kaiya got up to leave for an appointment at an upscale Tel Aviv dog washery, she admonished. “Don’t believe everything you read in the newspapers! Except the Daily Freier!”
UPDATE: Amid ongoing fallout from Yair and Kaiya’s “Poop-Gate” incident last month, police have asked Kaiya for a “sample” to see if there is a DNA match with the “evidence” left behind at the scene. She has now retained legal counsel and is referring all questions to her attorney.
So apparently Israel’s $480 Million purchase of German submarines wasn’t entirely Kosher LaPesach, and Prime Minister Netanyahu’s friends keep getting arrested in what is no doubt just a big misunderstanding. Because the police are using some very hurtful words. Like “Bribery“. And “Tax Evasion“. And “Fraud“. But the intrepid journalists at the Daily Freier knew that there had to be a good reason for all of this, and sure enough, The Prime Minister provided us with 10 amazingly convincing explanations. So without further ado, here they are:
Last Updated 7/3/2022
Al-Quds: In a dramatic last-minute political coup, Prime Minister Hanin Zoabi clinched a majority coalition after promising the Shas and United Torah Judaism political parties increased subsidies, a complete deferment of military service for Yeshiva Students, full veto power over future conversions, plus total control over the Western Wall. The newly re-named Daily Freier Martyrs Brigade was on the scene at the Knesset Majlis to get all of the details on this exciting development.
A defiant MK Litzman explained his decision to join Prime Minister Zoabi’s Cabinet. “People are saying this may be the end of the State of Israel, and I tell them ‘So what?’ I mean, we stood up for principles and refused to give in to a bunch of fake Jews. Plus, our subsidies went up 20%. Now if you’ll excuse me, Foreign Minister Tibi is calling a meeting on Implementation Phase One for the Right of Return.”
Despite a final push to unite the Zionist Parties and withstand Zoabi’s coalition, it was all for naught. At a hastily held Press Conference, their former leaders tried to make sense of it all. Zehava Gal-On admitted that it would have been smarter to also campaign east of Ibn Gavriol Boulevard. Next, Bougie Herzog was supposed to address the audience but nobody remembered to call him. Later, Tzipi Livni explained how things would have worked out better if she had been in charge. Meanwhile, a despondent Bibi Netanyahu sulked in the corner. “I can’t believe that Shas and United Torah Judaism would betray me like this. I mean, what kind of person goes back on a deal simply for a short-term political gain?”
For her part, Prime Minister Zoabi was quite relaxed about the maneuver. “I had to promise them full control over the Wall and the Conversion process. But I figure, ‘Let the Dhimmis sort out the Dhimmis.’ You know what I’m saying? Not my business…. Plus, I had to promise Universal Draft Deferments for all Yeshiva students between the age of 18 and 40, but it was worth it. Besides, I have no idea what General Barghouti will want to do with the “IDF” once it merges into Fatah’s Security Service.”
By Yekutiel Bornstein
Last Updated 7/2/2016 at 5:30 PM
Jerusalem, The Knesset: In a move described as “bold“, “courageous“, and “resolute“, Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has vowed that despite going back on the Western Wall Agreement, he will continue accepting money from Diaspora Jews regardless of their level of religiosity or political stands. The Daily Freier attended a Press Conference in Jerusalem where Bibi explained his stand.
“Jews in the Diaspora, Make no mistake: No matter your stands on the Kotel, or conversions, or the Rabbanut….. we in Israel will never stop cashing your checks. And for those of you who are afraid that Israel doesn’t respect you, let me say again…. I will always cash your checks.”
News of this brave stance sent shockwaves throughout Israel and the Jewish world. In the United States, the Reform Movement vowed to put some skin in the game and made plans for 100,000 American Reform Jews to make Aliyah by next year in order to…. Just Kidding! They actually just put on some tie dye tallit and sang some Debbie Friedman songs.
Meanwhile, the religious parties in Israel responded with indignation. “How can these so-called Jews from North America even consider themselves Jewish?” demanded a spokesperson for the Shas Party. “I mean, their leadership has never even served a prison term for accepting $155,000 in a paper sack!”
After his Press Conference, the Prime Minister had a question and answer session, with Bibi providing the questions and answers. “In these days of a rising BDS Movement, what can we do to truly tell the World’s second biggest Jewish community that we are all in this together?” asked Prime Minister Netanyahu. “If you answered “throw Reform and Conservative Jews under the bus and renege on a previous agreement“, then award yourself a prize.”