By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/14/2018 at 9:00 PM
Ben Gurion Airport, Terminal 3: Jewish-American pundit Peter Beinart was briefly detained yesterday after setting off the Airport’s Sanctimony Detector. Mr. Beinart, the beating heart of the (very) Liberal (kinda) Zionist Movement, was held and questioned by Airport Security personnel after his answers to their questions triggered the Detector. The machine, known as the Sanctimonitor, began beeping loudly as Peter talked about his Solidarity trips to Hebron, his one-way feud with Bibi, and the Amazing Vegan Co-Op at the Reconstructionist Synagogue near his favorite bike path. The Daily Freier spoke with Yael Z., the alert Security Officer who initially flagged Mr. Beinart.
” The interview began normally.” explained Yael. “But then he mentioned his White Privilege, and the machine started to beep. Then he began adding the phrase “As a Jew” to Each. And. Every. Sentence….. and the machine started to go crazy. Then he mentioned ‘Tikkun Olam’. And ‘Tikkun Olam’. And ‘Tikkun Olam’. Did I mention that he said ‘Tikkun Olam’? …Finally, he compared the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to the #MeToo Movement, (Editor’s Note: Of COURSE he really once did this. And of COURSE he did it in the Forward) and the machine sort of exploded a little bit.”
Yael continued: “After we brought him to another room for further questioning, he started reading out loud from a notebook about how betrayed he felt, how things are never going to be the same, and that this might really be the last time. At first we thought it was a Taylor Swift breakup song, but it was actually just his latest article for the Forward.”
When the Daily Freier challenged Yael that she was singling Peter out, she strongly disagreed. “That’s absolutely not true. I mean, just last year we arrested Thomas Friedman for smuggling clichés.”
The Daily Freier was then able to speak directly with Mr. Beinart about the current Balagan. “I blame this on Trump. (Real World Alert: No. No. He really really Said this!!!) Peter sighed deeply and continued. “Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can keep providing Israel with my free advice on how to run their country.”
Later, the Daily Freier asked Yael if we could stop by during slow hours and play with the Sanctimonitor by ourselves, but she yelled at us and told us to leave.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/13/2018 at 4:45 PM
London, Islington: UK Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn is speaking out forcefully after getting totally busted allegations surfaced that he attended a cemetery memorial service in Tunisia for the Black September terrorists who murdered 11 Israelis athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympic games.
“It looked for all the world like a Gardening Allotment, not unlike my very own patch of lettuce, radishes, and endive right here in Islington.” Mr. Corby explained at his local cafe as he busied himself with a red pen, striking through various sections of the International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance’s working definition of Anti-Semitism. “Although it was a bit odd that their allotment had little more than grass and flowers. And a lot of stones with writing on them. Aren’t different cultures simply fascinating?”
While taking Mr. Corbyn at his word, The Daily Freier asked Jezz just why he would attend any kind of event with Black September members, but he was adamant that the whole thing was just a giant misunderstanding. “Black September? That sounds like one of the lesser-known Bank Holidays. Or a weekend festival in Cornwall. Or possibly a Folk Music Trio from the East Midlands.” Jeremy stared into space for a moment and then wondered out loud, “How is it that this strange series of unfortunate events keep occurring around me?”
The Daily Freier wanted to talk to Mr. Corbyn a bit more about his political beliefs, but he politely begged off, explaining “I simply MUST get to work on my response to tomorrow’s Labour Party Anti-Semitism scandal.”
EDITORS NOTE: While this is satire, it is actually somehow less implausible than his actual excuse.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/5/2018 at 10:15 PM
London, Islington: Gardening allotment aficionado/Iranian TV Personality/British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn has decided once and for all to find a way forward with the United Kingdom’s Jewish Community and has thus planned an elaborate reconciliation dinner for the evening of Tuesday September 18th. The Daily Freier caught up with Mr. Corbyn as he was weeding his radishes on the allotment, and he shared his vision with the Daily Freier.
“I am really hoping to put this whole unpleasantness behind us, as I outlined in the message I sent to the Jewish Community on Friday night. But I got to thinking: Why not break bread together, much like I’ve done with my friends in Hamas? And what better night to meet up than Mid-Week in Early Autumn, perhaps Tuesday 18 September after Sundown? We could invite everyone: Ken, Diane, George, maybe even old Roger Waters!”
When the Daily Freier asked Jezz if he had run this idea by any actual Jews, he was quick to point out that Jewish Voice for Labour thought it was “a splendid idea.”
As we wished Jeremy good luck, he asked for our opinion on whether to serve cheeseburgers or scallops.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/4/2018 at 2:15 PM
Hollywood: Critics and audiences are raving about the new Sci-Fi hit starring Natalie Portman. The Film titled “Being De-Woked“, is set in a reality where Natalie Portman does not feel the need to constantly make statements about current events that make Snooki sound like Margaret Thatcher. In the film, the Israeli Government notices that Hollyweird is turning Natalie dangerously “Woke“, so they dispatch a crack team of time-traveling Frechot Commandos (names: Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav) to find Natalie in the year 2008, kidnap her, and bring her to a secret Mossad laboratory in the Mojave Desert where she undergoes a controversial “De-Wokeification” process, thus preventing the current reality of a “Woke” Natalie from ever taking place. (Spoiler Alert: the mission is almost compromised when Roni diverts the Time Machine so she can visit the Duty-Free at LAX).
(We’re published over on Israellycool today. Check us out!)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/3/2018 at 6:45 PM
Ramallah: Shock & sorrow permeate this West Bank city after residents learned that spoiled actress who would never dare pull her stunts on an Arab police force political prisoner Ahed Tamimi had eaten “Palestine” during her stay in an Israeli jail. Ms. Tamimi, who gained fame punching Israeli soldiers on film, had apparently eaten the geographic entity known as “Palestine” in between her second and third helpings of baba ganoush some time in late June.
Palestinian Authority President shared his sorrow. “Never in the 14 years of my 4 year term of office have I felt such shame and humiliation. This is Al-Naqba 2018.”
The UN wasted now time scolding Israel for the unfolding tragedy, passing a Motion in the General Assembly by a vote of 147-2 (The United Kingdom abstained) admonishing Israel for giving Ahed “The Freshman 15”.
Meanwhile, Bree Skyfire-Williams, co-captain of the latest Flotilla to Gaza, was somewhat philosophical about the turn of events. “I guess this means she won’t need the emergency hummus and pita that we put in our cargo hold for her.“
UPDATE: Ms. Tamimi apparently is now launching a Book Tour in support of her memoir of imprisonment: “The Zionists made me add extra Tahina to my falafel“.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 7/21/2018 at 2:50 PM
Wichita Falls, Texas: A terminally ill teen had his dreams come true when celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay paid a surprise to his home and harshly criticized his cooking skills for a full 45 minutes. Bobby Holliman has been cooking since kindergarten, so when he received news that he had six months to live, his parents contacted the Make-A-Wish Foundation and said Bobby’s lifelong dream was to have Mr. Ramsay trash his signature dish of fish tacos in person. Gordon and his production company showed up at Bobby’s North Texas home this morning and immediately started peppering him with questions.
“Bloody hell, you’re using store-bought tacos shells aren’t you?” demanded Mr. Ramsay as Bobby smiled and his parents looked on with joy. “Do you even know how to make your own tacos shells? And don’t you lie to me or I will walk out the bloody door right now.”
“I’ve been watching his shows since I was a kid.” explained Bobby. “So when he interrogated me about the marinade while angrily waving a bottle of white wine vinegar in the air….. I just felt so special.”
Even Bobby’s mom Kathy enjoyed the spotlight today. “After 10 minutes, Gordon started searching my house and found my second freezer in the garage. Then he yelled at me to come over and demanded to know how long the vegetable stock had been in the freezer. I mean, this made a magical day that much more amazing.”
As the visit came to a close, Mr. Ramsay presented Bobby with a spice rack and a signed copy of his new book and then told him to go back to the kitchen and clean the f—ing cutting board with some f—ing soap before he gives his whole f—ing family a case of f—ing salmonella.
[Editor’s Note: We kinda like Sarah Palin. But we’re also glad she’s now doing Reality TV instead of Elected Office. Plus, this was too funny not to use.]
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 7/18/2018 at 4:30 PM
New York: Scholars from Columbia University’s prestigious Linguistics Department have come up with a bold discovery: that “Ocasio-Cortes” is Spanish for “Sarah Palin“. The Daily Freier attended a Press Conference held by the Department Chair, Professor Nigel Tufnel.
“This is truly groundbreaking.” Professor Tufnel explained. “It’s like a Unified Theory or Something. I mean, now we understand how somebody could believe that the low Unemployment Rate was because ‘everyone was working two jobs.’ We’re in awe.”
The Daily Freier reached out to Congressional Candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes for her feelings on this important research into her surname. “These findings are biased and false, like lipstick on a pit bull.” admonished Ms. Ocasio-Cortes. “I want to refudiate it. Also, I’m not an expert at Geopolitics, but I can see the East River from my house.”