Tag: Yuval Weiss

IDF paralyzed after Iran floods Secret Tel Aviv with fake “Free to a Lone Soldier” posts

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/9/2018 at 4:20 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force’s Headquarters is currently in crisis mode as hundreds of critical installations across the country remain unmanned following an Iranian cyber-attack. The attack took the form of several thousand fake posts on the popular Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” offering a wealth of items “free to a Lone Soldier”. The Daily Freier attended a hastily put-together News Conference at their Tel Aviv Headquarters.

The current condition is critical. This is worse than the time Hamas catfished us with fake profiles of hot Israeli women. explained IDF Spokesperson Major Guy C. “Every Lone Soldier is currently away from their Duty Station, running around Greater Tel Aviv trying to score their free PlayStation, coffee tables, Televisions, refrigerators and futons.  This attack affected hundreds of soldiers. Oh and also a robot from the Bomb Squad.”

To make matters worse, the Lone Soldiers temporarily crashed the Secret Tel Aviv server while posting hundreds of requests for the free use of a vehicle in order to go pick up the make-believe free stuff they believed they were getting, temporarily depriving the City of crowd-sourced relationship advice, amateur insect identification, and people selling MidBurn tickets.

Yet while the IDF truly faces a crisis, the Daily Freier wanted to reach out to the Chayal Boded Community and find out just how they were affected by this giant balagan on a personal level. An American Lone Soldier named ‘Danny’ described his pain. “When I found out someone was giving away old PS3 games, I dropped everything and hitchhiked from my base in the Golan to Givatayim.” The Daily Freier asked Danny how he felt about Iran’s trickery. “Honestly, I feel betrayed. I mean, I didn’t even get any free games.” Danny then abruptly got up from his chair and moved quickly to the door. “Hey, sorry but I gotta go. A woman on Ibn Gavriol says she’s moving back to the UK and giving away a guitar, yoga mat, ramen noodles, and a coffee pot. And I need to move fast.

 

 

 

 

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Top Ten Gaza Solidarity Events this Week that you did not hear about

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/26/2018 at 10:30 PM

London: So this week, we learned that a certain group of credulous Lefty London Jews decided to hold Kaddish for the 52 members of Hamas and Islamic Jihad who tried to breach the fence and kill the Jooz unarmed protesters killed by the Zionist Entity this week. But did you know that there were other Gaza Solidarity events this week? The Daily Freier found the ten most profound events and now is sharing them with you, our readers.


  1. Quidditch for Gaza
  2. Pimms & Tiny Sandwiches for Gaza
  3. Improv for Gaza
  4. Pub Quiz for Gaza
  5. Yard Sale for Gaza
  6. Charades for Gaza
  7. Queers for Gaza (Oops! This actually happened!)
  8. Curling for Gaza
  9. Bunko for Gaza
  10. Salsa for Gaza

Critics fear Embassy Move will cause renewed outbreak of Sarah Tuttle-Singer articles

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/15/2018 at 10:30 PM

Jerusalem, Crave Gourmet Street Food: With tensions high following yesterday’s opening of the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem, experts are bracing for a serious escalation. That’s right: a whole bunch of articles, posts, and Blog entries by Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer. And Can I Just Tell You? Things are about to get real. The Daily Freier spoke with multiple sources on and off the record to find out just what the heck is about to happen.

I know that Turkey recalled its Ambassadors to the United States and Israel yesterday, and I guess that’s kind of important.” stated a Western European Ambassador posted in Tel Aviv. “But what if Sarah writes an article tomorrow where she sips spiced wine and discusses the Occupation with two Lesbian settlers and a Christian Arab clockmaker on a rooftop in the Armenian Quarter at 3 AM. Then what, huh?

Others were equally pessimistic, including an unnamed official from the Jewish Agency. “What if she gets together with a Slovakian backpacker with A-MA-ZING cheekbones and an Imam from Nazareth who tells risqué jokes in Yiddish…. and they decide to solve the worlds problems over a pack of Marlboro Lites? We’re simply not prepared.”

“I hear she’s been illegally stockpiling Laphroaig Anecdotes in contravention to Established Treaties.” whispered a U.N Peacekeeper at Mike’s Place while on R&R from his base in the Golan. “And you never know when she will decide to use them.”

Yet despite feelings of angst throughout the City, there were others who seemed more optimistic. “I’m pretty relaxed about the whole thing.” noted The Gay Mizrahi Truck Driver Who Always Sells The Best Pomegranates.

 

 

 

 

IDF Bomb Squad Robot just asked for free stuff on Secret Tel Aviv as a “Lone Soldier”

Daily FreierBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/25/2018 at 6:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Allenby: A robot from the Israel Defense Force’s Explosive Ordnance Demolition (EOD) unit has just posted on the popular Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” asking for a lot of free stuff ”because he’s a Lone Soldier“. Lone Soldiers, or those who come to Israel to serve in the IDF without their family, tend to get a bit of help from the Community. But some guys take the whole thing a bit far. The Daily Freier spoke with the robot, known to his friends as “Udi”, in a cafe on Dizengoff Street as he enjoyed a well-deserved 48 Hour Pass with friends.

Look, I don’t want to be pushy.” explained Udi. “So I just asked for some pots & pans, a bed-frame, a bicycle, a washing machine, some furniture, a Playstation, and an espresso maker. Oh yeah, and a hat. I definitely need a hat.

While the idea of a robot posting online might strike some as being bizarre, Secret Tel Aviv appears to have accepted Udi as one of their own. “Udi has adjusted well to our community.” explained Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark. “In fact, last week some of his female robot friends submitted his photo to our site in an attempt to do a bit of amateur matchmaking ‘because he’s a really nice guy‘. Also just this morning, he joined a post concerning a used futon for sale and within 5 minutes someone had already accused him of hating Israel. Finally, he submitted a question about how to get medical marijuana without a doctor’s prescription, but added ‘asking for a friend‘ to the end of the post. You know, normal Secret Tel Aviv stuff.

If all goes well, Udi plans to use the donated items to decorate the apartment that he shares with some of his friends from the Army to include Boaz the Giant Cloud, the soldier from your Taglit trip who actually didn’t try to sleep with you, a talking dog from the K-9 Unit, and a member of the Olah Hadashah Code-Talker Unit.

Update: In late breaking news, Udi the robot has just sent a sleazy Direct Message to the apartment-hunting Norwegian woman on Secret Tel Aviv who somehow thought it would be a good idea to add a selfie to her post.

Man trapped in Tel Aviv elevator with nothing to read but Haaretz

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/4/2018 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Police are racing against time in an attempt to rescue a man trapped in a Central Tel Aviv elevator with nothing to read but today’s edition of Haaretz. The newspaper, known for its Left-Wing stance, as well as for hosting cultural conferences where performance artists throw oranges at the audience and stick flags in their butt (What? You think we just made that up? Oh Ye of Little Faith), is considered somewhat of an acquired taste. Authorities soon learned that the building’s thick concrete walls blocked cellular data coverage thus forcing the man to pass the time by reading Haaretz instead of checking his phone.  Upon learning this, they rushed a team of police, firefighters, and paramedics to rescue the man, identified as recent American immigrant Zachary F, before it’s too late. The Daily Freier wandered over to the unfolding scene to get all of the facts.

Time is precious.” explained the on-scene Commander, a Police Lieutenant named Moti. “We’re afraid that once he reads today’s Amira Hass article, he may lose his will to live. Just like that poor chimp at Tel Aviv University.

Moti continued to monitor the situation via closed-circuit television before suddenly barking orders to a group of firefighters. “Hurry up with the ladder! He’s getting to the part where Peter Beinart implies that he may want to break up with Israel because Bibi won the last election!

While the building’s thick concrete walls forced Zachary to read Haaretz in the first place, Moti explained that they also may have prevented further tragedy. “Baruch HaShem, those concrete walls means he doesn’t have access to Amos Schocken’s Twitter feed.

UPDATE: As the article went to print, paramedics were struggling to insert a breathing tube into the elevator shaft, as Gideon Levy’s latest Editorial on Gaza threatened to suck all the oxygen out of the confined space.

Labour MP angry she wasn’t invited into Corbyn’s secret anti-Jewish Facebook group

 By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/13/2018 at 6:00 PM

Camden, London: Today a very irate Labour Activist is demanding to know why she wasn’t invited to join Jeremy Corbyn’s secret Anti-Semitic Facebook Group “Palestine Live”. An  investigation by David Collier uncovered that the Secret Facebook Group “trafficked in anti-Semitic conspiracy theories, posted articles by Neo-Nazis, denied Israel’s right to exist, and called pro-Israel Jews “Zio-Nazis.” The group included Holocaust Denier Paul Eisen, as well as “the Jew who was too Anti-Semitic for the BDS Movement” Gilad Atzmon. And in a revelation that shocked people who still believe in the Tooth Fairy, the head of Breaking the Silence was also a member of the group…..Well rest assured, Labour Member of Parliament Danielle Lynne-Stephens is quite upset and wants to know why she never received an invite. The Daily Freier stopped by Momentum Headquarters in London to meet up with MP Lynne-Stephens  and have a little chat.

I really didn’t want to ‘Go There’, but I can’t help but think there is a bit of sexism in the BDS Community. Honestly, sometimes it feels like the Anti-Israel Left has a Glass Ceiling. I mean, how else to explain why I wasn’t asked to join Palestine Live? I’ve paid my dues. The mob that attacked the Israeli Club at King’s College? I was there……I own 12 keffiyehs….. The Women’s Boat to Gaza? I was First Mate. I mean, until we got lost.….

Danielle went on to explain just how unfair her exclusion from the group was. “How many times do I need to talk about the Rothschilds before I get an invite? And the sad part is, I could have really helped them with the quality of their memes……Like, they passed around pictures of hook-nosed Jews with demonic eyes? Big Deal. For a month my profile picture was a giant octopus with a big nose and a Star of David!”I’m sorry, but my obsessive hatred of Israel takes a back seat to nobody in that group. Posting articles by David Duke? Hellooooo? David Duke once posted an article written by me!….Saying that 9/11 was an Israeli False-Flag operation? Please. I’ve been saying it since the days of dial-up Internet.

It just isn’t fair.” Danielle continued. “How many times do I have to use the word “Zio” before I start getting the respect I deserve? And don’t tell me Corbyn didn’t know I wasn’t in the group. He commented and ‘Liked’ posts all the time! I’m tempted to take a walk over to Jeremy’s gardening allotment and give him a piece of my mind.

For his part, Mr. Corbyn says he denounces anti-Semitism in all its forms and has launched a committee to look into any wrong-doing by Labour MP’s. The Committee will be led by Ken Livingstone, Jackie Walker, and George Galloway.

Training for war, Hezbollah builds realistic model of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like pee

 October 29, 2017 Training for war, Hezbollah builds a mock-up of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like peeBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/14/2018 at 8:30 PM

Bekaa Valley, Lebanon: With this week’s little misunderstanding with our Northern neighbors, it appears that the region is one step closer to war. Yes, despite last Autumn’s highly effective #IsraelLovesLebanon hashtag campaign, it appears that not everyone is feeling the love. In fact, Iran continues to arm Hezbollah with advanced weaponry, including its latest “Ben Rhodes” Missile. Yet today the Daily Freier discovered an even more serious escalation: Hezbollah has turned an isolated part of the Bekaa Valley into a realistic simulation of Tel Aviv in which to train its troops. In fact, this “Little Tel Aviv” is so realistic, it’s overpriced, covered in cannabis smoke, full of electric bikes, and smells like dried pee. In order to get a better picture of the situation, the Daily Freier interviewed a Hezbollah representative named “Ali” via Skype.

Yesterday, we tested one of our squads on what it would be like to be inserted into the city.” explained Ali. “So they hid out in a cafe until dark and ended up spending all of their allotted funds on 30 Shekel cups of coffee. And when they went outside at nightfall, their bikes had been stolen.”

As Ali continued his description, volunteers were visible in the background chugging large amounts of water and tea in order to help put the finishing touches on the city’s unique aromas. “We had to postpone last week’s exercise after our mortar squad tried to take a shortcut through the Namal port and ran out of funds.” Ali then introduced the mortar team leader, Hassan. “We were moving through the Namal and saw a Shuk, so we said ‘Hey, let’s stop for supplies.’ An hour later we wandered out with 4 white potatoes and a jar of tahina for 150 Shekels….. They said it was organic.”

To make matters worse, Ali revealed that their Logistics Unit quit halfway through the Exercise and decided to form a start-up. “Now they just stand on the roof all day with their shirts off playing ping-pong.

Ali also explained that the problems reached as far as Hezbollah’s Women’s Auxiliary. “Zeynep is one of our sisters in the Resistance who served as a role player in ‘Little Tel Aviv’. But last week she bought a small dog and now she has a fitness-themed Instagram page that tries to sell you nutrition supplements and organic smoothies.”

As we ended the chat, Ali explained that next week their simulated Tel Aviv would receive a massive infusion of people speaking nothing but French.