Joint Base McGuire-Dix, New Jersey: A junior officer described by superiors as having “tremendous potential” washed out of his Joint Planning Course this week. The Captain, who goes by “Mark”, was summoned to a closed-door meeting with the School Commandant on Monday after the catastrophic failure of his Course Capstone Project. The assignment, which he kept on a floppy disc labeled “Kabul Airport“, ended ignominiously for the Captain, and also crashed the building’s server. The Daily Freier stopped by the Schoolhouse to get some answers.
“The signs were all there.” complained Mr. Higgins, a retired Air Force Logistics Planner. “He answered his phone in the middle of my Classified lecture on Redeployment. When I yelled at him, he said that it was ‘Woodward’ and that he had to take the call.” Mr. Higgins took a sip from his coffee mug and stared out the window toward the flightline. “Also, he blamed a Supply shortfall on White Fragility.”
The Daily Freier then spoke to some of Mark’s classmates. “At first he seemed like a motivated officer. Decorations and assignments all checked out.” mused a Navy Chief. “But during our group project on Base Defense, he kept wandering off to read “The 1619 Project”. Honestly, I blame his NCO’s for not nipping this in the bud.”
As the Daily Freier prepared to leave, we bumped into Mark, who insisted that his final project wasn’t really due “until sometime in the Spring“. We pressed Mark on the accuracy of this response, but he told us that he was “late for a Board Meeting at Raytheon“.
Gaza: Tragedy struck the Gaza Strip yesterday as Israel destroyed a giant tunnel complex, trapping many Hamas fighters in the rubble. Yet this crisis has been compounded with news that three of Democratic Congresswoman Ilhan Omar’s brothers and/or ex-husbands are among the missing. We’re not 100% sure. You see, with the Honorable Ms. Omar, the whole “husband” or “brother” title often gets lost in the weeds. Ms. Omar has a history of saying some not so nice things to say about the Jooz, but that didn’t stop us at the Daily Freier from showing up at the press conference in solidarity with her missing Brusbands.
“Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” Congresswoman Omar sta…..Wait, sorry! She really really said this once! Sorry folks, running satire pieces about these people is harder than you think.
Anyhoo, where were we? Oh yeah, so Ms. Omar was asked about why the United States continued to support Israel and she replied “It’s all about the Benjamins.” which was…. wait what? She actually said this in real life? OK we quit.
So yeah, we tried to write this story but it got away from us. Tune in next week when Ilhan accidentally sings “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahood” on a hot mike and Peter Beinart puts it in context for us.
UPDATE: While credible reports place Roger Waters in the same tunnel complex, he is not currently a husband and/or brother of Congresswoman Omar. We think.
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Israel scored a major victory today over Hamas forces in the Gaza Strip, as sources claim that dozens of Hamas fighters were killed in their underground bunkers. Yet the tactical deception that preceded the attack is just as important as the aerial strikes. You see, The IDF sent out a tweet claiming that the IDF was attacking “in the Gaza Strip” leading Hamas troops to move to their attack tunnels. However, whoever wrote the Tweet had as much of a grasp of English prepositions as the guy on Banana Beach last year who wanted to sleep with you and/or invite you to his mom’s Moshav for Shabbat that weekend. In fact, IDF troops were engaged in combat operations on the Israeli side of the border. The Daily Freier rushed to an impromptu News Conference at IDF Headquarters on Kaplan Street.
As newscasters from throughout Israel and the World waited, an IDF spokesperson named Dudi strolled into the briefing room carrying a darbuka drum and a bag of sunflower seeds.
“The ehhmm….ehmm the Tweet it was good, no?” inquired Dudi as he rolled a spliff and sipped a coffee hafuch.
An attractive female newscaster from Denmark asked Dudi just what went into the strategic decision to trick Hamas with false information.
“Ehhm, it was a big nothing, you understand what I’m saying?” Dudi replied while winking. Then he offered the newscaster a chaser of Arak.
The Daily Freier demanded to know how a World-Class Military force with access to thousands of native-English speaking citizens failed to produce proper English sentences, yet Dudi responded that all of the Anglo Olim in Israel had been called up on emergency taskings in order to augment the IDF’s Olah Hadashah Code talking Unit.
As the news conference drew to a close, Dudi indicated that upon completion of his IDF obligations, he would go back to writing the English translations for Tel Aviv menus.
The Lone Soldier Center, Tel Aviv: With news that our idealistic and naive Prime Minister was outmaneuvered by Yair Lapid offering Mansour Abbas some sweet political freebies to join his coalition, a new Political Party has signaled that it too is ready to be bought off. The Recently formed Chayal Boded (“Lone Soldier”) Party has signaled that it will swing its electoral strength behind the right coalition… for a price. The Daily Freier joined a hastily convened Press Conference in the Lone Soldier Center Dining Hall just as they finished serving that tasty Chinese chicken with the sticky rice.
“Our demands are simple.” explained Party Spokesperson Doron S. “We need an iPhone charger. A couple of spliffs. Some tuna fish. A big bag of Bamba. Also maybe a bottle of Tubi this weekend after we get back from the South.” Doron whispered hastily with a cluster of advisors behind the microphone and then continued. “Don’t worry about the tuna fish, Josh is doing Miluim this weekend so when he gets back we should be good to go in terms of groceries for at least 2 weeks.”
“Before we join any Coalition…” Doron admonished “The Lone Soldier Party has some serious questions that need answers. Like the Knesset Dining Hall… MK’s eat for free, right? Also, will this give us some sort of discount on our Arnona?”
The Daily Freier stood up to challenge Doron on his Party’s short-sighted platform, but the Lone Soldier Center manager announced that she had an extra toaster oven that she was giving away and we got knocked to the ground in the subsequent chaos.
Damascus: The Middle East is reeling from news that the Corona Virus has tested positive for Bashar & Asma Assad. Apparently Mr. Corona was exposed to the Ophthalmologist/Serial Killer and his Lovely Wife some time in the last two weeks. The Daily Freier managed to do a Zoom call with Covid as he went into Bidud and desperately searched online for an available vaccine.
“This is a nightmare.” fretted Covid-19 as he bathed his hands in Purel. “Nobody has any actual information about how dangerous this entity could be to my health. I mean, the White Hats had some pretty good data, but Assad had them all killed.”
“I just don’t know how I could have better protected myself.” lamented The Rona. “I had on a mask, but Bashar crossed through that barrier like one of Obama’s Red Lines from 2012.“
The Daily Freier challenged Corona that public health-wise, perhaps he was throwing stones from a glass house, but he quickly cut us off. “Listen, I may have escaped from a Chinese Laboratory[Allegedly!- The Daily Freier Legal Department] , infected millions of people, and ruined the world economy, but I never dropped chlorine bombs on kindergartens. A little respect please.”
As the Daily Freier ended the Zoom call, Covid turned to us with one last question. “Hey, what’s the best way that I can wash Assad’s microbes off my body? Should I take a hot ba’ath?“
Tel Aviv: With the news that Joe Biden is on track to win the Presidency, things might get a bit rough for our Prime Minister, as The Bibi and The Donald had developed quite a rapport over the years. Plus, Biden served as President Obama’s VP and Netanyahu’s relationship with Obama were kinda hit or miss. So Prime Minister Netanyahu knew he had to act fast. This morning, Bibi sent a nice note to the Democratic National Committee outlining a new initiative.
“I just built a statue of Bernie Sanders on Tel Aviv Beach!” it announced. “I know how much you love that guy! Let’s open a new chapter of cooperation between our two great nations!“
The Prime Minister defended his actions at a hastily held Press Conference at the Knesset, taking questions from the assembled reporters. When the Daily Freier confronted him, noting that the statue in fact depicted famed Israeli Prime Minister David Ben Gurion, Bibi replied: “I said it was a statue of a cranky Ashkenazi Socialist born a long time ago. Tell me where I lied.”
Following the press conference, Yair Netanyahu announced that in the spirit of goodwill, he “would like to show Hunter Biden the town” when Mr. Biden’s son visits Tel Aviv.
New York: In stunning news, an academic of Jewish descent named Rachel Bat Dolezal Jessica Krug was revealed to be masquerading as an Afro-Latina woman. Doctor Krug, originally from Kansas City, went to great lengths to hone her Woke credentials, including adopting a “street” New York accent so absurd that anyone who grew up in the Tri-State area was reduced to giggling uncontrollably (Bonus points: when she inevitably trashed the IDF, she did it with that accent!) The story is amazing, including such delicious tidbits as people getting suspicious because she was horrible at salsa dancing.
While this was seen by many as a career-ending scandal, others within the Woke As-A-Jewish Community sensed an opportunity. That’s right, Jessica Krug is now working for the beating heart of Progressive As-A-Jewdaism, IfNotNow. The Daily Freier spoke with IfNotNow co-founder, Progressive Christian Activist Seth Woody about this Revelation of Good News.
“A talent like Doctor Krug doesn’t come around every day.” explained Seth as he got ready to teach his next Communion class. “So we knew we had to act quickly. We signed her to a 5-year contract with an option to extend.“
The Daily Freier asked Mr. Woody about the qualities in Doctor Krug that caught IFNotNow’s attention. Seth thought for a moment and replied: “Well, she’s Woke to the point of being Performative, has a hostile relationship with her Jewish heritage, and tends to make things up. Plus, she’s batshit crazy. She’s a perfect fit for our organization.“
Of course, not everyone on the Progressive Left was happy about the move. Noted Twitter personality Ari L. Gold was livid. “Seriously?” Ari exclaimed. “So getting kicked out of Israel and chaining yourself to the Venezuelan Embassy doesn’t count for anything? If you think I’m not going to Tweet about this for the next three weeks, you’re mistaken.”
As the IfNotNow intern ushered us out after the interview, a stream of attendees arrived for their High Holiday Planning Meeting in order to prepare for Purim and Tu B’Shvat.
Dubai: Years of hard work by diplomats from the United Arab Emirates, Israel, and the United States are up in smoke today after the UAE abruptly withdrew from its Peace Deal with Israel. What caused this change? The BDS Movement? No. An angry phone call from Abu Mazen? Nope. The whiny complaints of Ben Rhodes or Peter Beinart? No, but they were hilarious. No, No, No. In the end, the deal was destroyed by the arrival of a unique threat. That’s right, Israeli tourists showed up. The Daily Freier was able to get the facts just before Dubai permanently banned Israelis again forever.
“It seemed like a good idea.” explained a Tourism Ministry employee named Ahmed. “The young Israelis said they wanted to have a ‘Nature Party’ on the sand dunes. Who doesn’t love nature?” Ahmed took a long sip from his coffee and stared out the window into the distance. “Your young people really like trance music and Ecstasy.“
“We had a problem on a flight last night.” sighed Ibrahim, a Customs Officer at Dubai International Airport. “We don’t even know how the Israelis got on the airplane during Corona, but they did.” Ibrahim nervously fidgeted with his cigarette and continued. “May I ask you a question? What does ‘Ani rotzah shokolad‘ mean?“
Finally, the Daily Freier stopped by the Dubai Hilton to try to figure out what went wrong. “I am sorry, but I do not have time to speak with you.” explained the manager. “The bathrobes and hair dryers are currently missing from all of our rooms.“
When asked about the abrupt diplomatic loss, Prime Minister Netanyahu was surprisingly relaxed. “The irony is that the Emiratis did not even get a chance to meet our National Dream Team of Tourist All-Stars.“
Jerusalem: Today Nefesh B’Nefesh released unpredecedented news: in the past week not a single Oleh threatened to “move back to America“. Nefesh B’ Nefesh is an NGO dedicated to facilitating the Aliyah and success of Anglo Olim, a group that has earned a very unfair reputation of being a bunch of needy and entitled goofs. You see, it appears that Anglo, and especially American, Olim have a reputation for complaining. Anyhoo, for some weird reason, ZERO American Olim posted angry rants on Facebook or Aliyah Blogs about moving back this week, and nobody knows why. The Daily Freier pestered various Thought Leaders in the Olim Community until we got 500 words for our article.
First we spoke to Liami Lawrence, founder of Keep Olim in Israel, a Facebook community known for its calm discussions among Olim. “This is Amazing, and it’s all because of our incredible Counseling Services and job placement network! We finally did it!” he explained. The Daily Freier tried to argue that maybe some stuff might be happening in the United States that influenced this trend, but Liami had to cut the conversation short in order to moderate a post on Keep Olim’s Facebook page where someone was complaining about complainers and people were complaining about it.
The Daily Freier then stopped by Nefesh B’ Nefesh, and spoke to a Dati Leumi woman named Batsheva, Elisheva, or Just Sheva. “It’s all because of our A-Ma-Zing Tel Aviv Hub! Did you know we host beer making classes? Also, once we moved all the chairs and had a Zoomba class!” The Daily Freier countered that perhaps there might be some current events affecting the plans of American Olim, but she cut us off and handed out some pamphlets for their “Go North” program.
Finally, the Daily Freier checked in at the Misrad HaKlita, but the Security Guard told us to make an Online Appointment, so we will have an update some time in late July.
The Daily Freier looks forward to the upcoming surge of new immigrants from America, thus fulfilling our Nightmare Dystopian Fantasy of an Israel completely run by Anglo Olim.
Tel Aviv: Today the Daily Freier, in response to published reports, admitted that it invented Ariel Gold. The Code Pink activist best known for her anti-Zionism, junkets to Iran, and sliding into the DM’s of Hen Mazzig wacky protests, is in fact a fictional invention of the Daily Freier editorial staff created after a bizarre 2014 Negev retreat that featured mushrooms, hand puppets, a stack of old Lilith Magazine issues from the 1980’s, and a Belgian-Palestinian mime troupe. The Daily Freier attended a somber press conference convened by the Daily Freier.
“We made the whole thing up.” admitted Daily Freier editor Yuval Weiss. “The Angry Tweets about Israeli food and cultural appropriation? Fake. The time she got deported from Ben Gurion? We hired an actress who we met at Ulpan Gordon. The bad spelling and Yiddish phrases used out of context? We ran old tweets from Jewish Voice for Peace through Google Translate three times.”
What followed next was a cacophony of questions from reporters offended that they had been lied to for so long. Exactly why had the Daily Freier felt the need to deceive the public for so many years?
“Clicks. We did it all for clicks.” answered Yuval. “We tried to do journalism on the straight and narrow, but the cost of living in Tel Aviv is nuts and we were running out of ideas. Creating the character of Ariel Gold allowed us to buy drinks for our friends and pretend that we were getting rich. Also this isn’t the first time we were forced to retract a storyline. By the way, does anybody know who might have snitched on us?”
The gathered reporters continued to bombard Mr. Weiss with angry denunciations until he finally argued back. “OK people, give it a rest. It’s not like a couple of desperate Jews conjuring up a mythical creature ever had any unintended consequences.”