Tag: Yuval Weiss

Shameless Self Promotion

Canadian Writer Suspended from Daily Freier over Curling Scandal
 
 
"The Squad", Hamas

IDF Finds Hamas Tunnel Under Ilhan Omar’s Gaza Daycare Center
“Some People Leared Something”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2 January 2026 at 2:35 PM

Rafah: Combat Engineers working in concert with elements of the Golani Brigade announced the discovery of a Hamas Tunnel under the City’s “Quality Learing Center“. The Daycare Center is part of a franchise operated by Representative Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Mogadishu) that receives funding from the State of Minnesota and has been open since 2021. The Daily Freier reported from today’s IDF Conference about the discovery.

“Our troops were forced to move slowly, as we overestimated the number of Hamas terrorists in the tunnels.”  explained IDF Spokesman Captain Ron C. “You see, our Intelligence Unit counted both Ilhan Omar’s ‘husbands’ and ‘brothers’ without understanding that there’s a bit of overlap. But the lack of any actual kids in the Daycare Center made the operation easier.”

Representative Omar reacted swiftly to the accusations, writing on Twitter “Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” (Haha! Just kidding! But not really!)

For his part, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz blamed the political fallout over the tunnels on “White Supremacy.” (Haha, just kidding again! But not really!)

Music fans were relieved to learn that famed musician/activist/dick Roger Waters emerged unhurt from the tunnel.

 

Haaretz

Caught! Hitler Found Hiding in the Haaretz Online Comments Section
“Drag their ass, Kween!”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 18 December 2025 at 3:15 PM

Tel Aviv: At long last, the world’s most infamous war criminal is behind bars. Adolf Hitler was caught early this morning hiding in plain sight: within the comments section of the Haaretz Online English Edition. Nobody knows just how long the Austrian Corporal was hiding there as his behavior did not arouse any suspicion and he was able to easily blend in with his environment. You see, the Haaretz Comments Section is quite the Rogue’s Gallery: a mix of bad faith Eurotrash who “only have a problem with Zionists”, Arabs saying the foulest crap while reminding you that they are Semites and thus incapable of Anti-Semitism, and a guy with a profile picture of Reinhard Heydrich who “has some questions” about the Holocaust.  The whole thing is made weirder by the fact that Haaretz Hebrew print edition is reliably Leftist but not completely insane (OK, ALMOST completely insane) and is read by as many as 700 people who all live within 3 blocks of Sheinkin Street in Tel Aviv. 

Hitler himself was rather relaxed about the whole affair. Looking much younger than his 136 years (which the Former Fuhrer credited to his vegetarian diet, daily walks, and some hot yoga), Adolf noted stated that he spent the last 8 years hiding next to a story about a Jewish family who died in a Jerusalem house fire that garnered 150 “laughing” emojis. Hitler was not shy about sharing his opinions about Haaretz online, noting that while its Middle East coverage was “fairly even-handed“, columnist Gideon Levy struck him as “a little crazy“. Hitler vowed to keep in touch with some of the people he met while hiding in the comments section, to include “ZyklonHeiler“, “StopZios1948” and “Candace Owens“.

When asked how he would spend his time in prison, Hitler stated that he was recently asked to be an informal campaign advisor by “a promising new leader in the State of Maine“.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, BDS

“They made me hang out in Ashdod!” Greta Thunberg describes torture by IDF
“Do I have the Right of Return you this Sandwich?”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2017 at 5:00 PM

Ashdod: The International Community was in an uproar today as Greta Thunberg communicated to the Outside World from The Zionist Entity about just what sorts of torture she was being subjected to. Specifically, Ms. Thunberg has been sent to Ashdod, which is worse than Afula a city 40 kilometers south of Tel Aviv. We were able to speak to Greta as she juggled Zoom calls from CNN, Al Jazeera, and a visibly smitten Piers Morgan.

“OK this place sucks.” complained Ms. Thunberg as she tried in vain to find a cool place in town to get drinks tonight. “This place actually gives me FOMO for Rishon LeZion.” The Daily Freier asked Greta to describe her impression of Ashdod in one sentence. Ms. Thunberg thought for a moment, deleted 4 unread texts from Peter Beinart, and replied: “It’s like Ashkelon without the crazy nightlife.“

The Daily Freier asked Ms. Thunberg if there were any redeeming qualities to her newfound place of temporary residence. “So I was really excited when I found out about the Philistine Museum in Ashdod.” Greta noted. “But it was a total rip-off. Nothing about Marwan Barghouti, nothing about the Sinwar Brothers, nothing about Me. It was just a bunch of stupid Exhibits about some Idiots who showed up on Boats from Greece.” Ms. Thunberg looked into the distance for a moment deep in thought. “Wait a second….”

Searching for answers, The Daily Freier contacted Ashdod Municipality and spoke to a friendly lady named Sapir. “That girl complains about everything, even the sandwich she got from the IDF. I mean, it’s still better than the Food in Ben Gurion Terminal One!” The Daily Freier asked Sapir if the City has any contingency plans in case Greta continues to complain. “Normally in Ashdod, we just send our problems to Beit Shemesh on a wagon driven by Oxen.“

As the Daily Freier prepared to publish the story, we got a WhatsApp message from Ms. Thunberg asking us if we knew about “any good clubs in Modiin“.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Al Jazeera

Lazy Al Jazeera Journalist Has Only One Hostage in His Attic

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12 June 2024 at 5:30 PM

Gaza: Al Jazeera journalist Firas H. is suffering some serious reputational damage in his hometown these days. You see, Firas is currently holding just one Israeli hostage in the crawlspace above his Khan Yunis living room, and his lack of motivation is causing his neighbors to talk.

“Just who does this guy think he is?” asked local greengrocer Mohamed K. “This shows poor character and possibly reflects badly on his upbringing.”

“This is just shameful.” chastised University student Fatima H. “I don’t know this layabout, but we are distant cousins. My greatest fear is that his lack of ambition will negatively affect my marriage prospects. I mean, people talk around here.”

The Daily Freier tried to stop by the Al Jazeera office in Jerusalem, but then we remembered that Israel kicked their tuchuses (tuchi?) out of Israel last month. So we spoke to Firas’s manager Karim via Zoom from his Qatar office.

“I am sick of this fool.” lamented Karim as he smoked a cigarette. “Constantly giving me excuses for not holding more ‘Israelis’ in his attic. ‘The floor cannot hold the weight. Their crying would disturb my baby.’ This sort of nonsense.” Karim dragged on his cigarette and continued. “Now Abdallah Aljamal? That guy was a real go-getter! Three Hostages in his house! You want to get promoted? Be more like Abdallah!” Firas looked around the room for a minute and shrugged his shoulders. “I mean, without the whole ‘getting shot by Israelis when they break into your house’ thing, know what I’m saying?”

As the Daily Freier finished our phone call, Abdallah told us that he loved the architecture at the Kirya IDF Headquarters in Tel Aviv, and asked if we could take some photos of the Entry Control Point on Kaplan Street for him.

 

The Jooz

Checkmate: Michael Moore says Protesters can’t be Anti-Semitic ‘because Palestinians are Semites’

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1 May 2024 at 4:45 PM

Atlanta: Yesterday noted filmmaker/pundit/author/dick Michael Moore stopped the Pro-Israel movement dead in its tracks with one brilliant quip. While discussing the ongoing Campus Illegal Occupation Protests on CNN, Moore told Kaitlan Collins that the Campus Protesters can’t possibly be Anti-Semitic because…. and you may want to sit down for this Verbal Judo Move…. the Palestinians are Semites. Yes that’s right, a term invented by 19th Century German politician Wilhelm Marr to specifically describe his pseudo-scientific hatred of Jews now applies to Palestinians. Because reasons. Advocates for Israel were quick to surrender to Mr. Moore’s highly original thesis.

“I cannot counter this brand new argument that I have never heard until today.” lamented a despondent David Lange. “I was going to try to argue that Bernard Lewis destroyed this concept in the 1970’s. But who are you going to believe, some nobody who taught Islamic History for 50 years at Princeton or the Artistic Genius who directed Sicko?”

“My Life’s work is meaningless.” noted a mournful Brian of London. “So many years of advocacy were destroyed today by this brilliant logical truism that…. and I can’t stress this point enough… was never advanced by anybody until Michael Moore did so today.”

Yet not everyone in the Pro-Israel Community was convinced. “OK that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard in weeks.” chortled Canadian Metis activist Ryan Bellerose. “I wonder which one of his 9 houses that this Man of the People was staying in when he did the interview.“

In other news, Israel is under intense media scrutiny after published reports accused the IDF of forcing Hamas detainees to watch ‘Bowling for Columbine‘ and then write a short movie review.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Start Up Nation

Heroes: Iran Drones Delayed by Experts from Israeli Postal Service

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 04/14/2024 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem: Israel breathed a sigh of relief this morning after Iran’s missile attack failed to cause serious casualties. Many of us thanked the Armed Forces of the USA, UK, and Jordan for shooting down much of the Armada. We also wondered why it took the Drones and Cruise Missiles like 8 hours to fly here, giving our defenses plenty of warning. Yet few of us know of the Unsung Heroes in Israel who deserve our praise today for the Super Slow Drones. Was it the Mossad? Nope, this time the Israeli Postal Service saved the day by hacking into Iran’s Guidance Systems and causing the Drones to take a much more “relaxed” attitude toward their job! The Daily Freier waited in line at the Post Office near Machane Yehuda for 45 minutes this morning until we could talk to one of Israel’s Modern Maccabees about their Mission.

“It was really quite easy.” explained a Postal employee named Yossi as he snacked on sunflower seeds and lazily glanced at his crossword puzzle. “Me and Yonatan hacked into the Guidance System and added the same Code that we use for ‘Priority Mail’. So yeah, the Missiles took a 3-hour Meal Break and shut off their transponders so Management wouldn’t know where they were.”

The Daily Freier tried to call Yossi a Hero of Zion, but he was reticent. “We just did our jobs. You know, by telling the Onboard Guidance Systems that the woman who had the proper target coordinates had just left early for a 2 Week Holiday Break after which she planned to transition directly to Maternity Leave.” Yossi looked up from his game of Sudoku and winked at us. “Based on a True Story!“

The Daily Freier wanted to continue the Interview, but Yossi told us to come back on Tuesday or Thursday between the hours of 0900 and 1100.

2023 Israel-Hamas War

Ismail Haniyeh calls for More Martyrs & More Room Service

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1 December 2023 at 3:50 PM

Doha, Qatar: With today’s resumption of fighting, Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh issued a defiant statement from his hotel suite’s breakfast nook. “Today I am calling for more martyrs! With Blood and Fire we will Liberate Al Aqsa!” Mr. Haniyeh emphatically shouted while picking at his poached eggs and salmon. “I am also calling on the Four Seasons Hotel to send more tea and pastries to room 342! From the River to the Sea, I hate cold tea!“

The Daily Freier asked Mr. Haniyeh how the Struggle for Palestine had been affecting him personally. “Every day we are faced with challenges put forth by the Zionist Entity!” Haniyeh complained as a member of his entourage poured him more fresh squeezed orange juice from a large carafe on the drinks cart. “I tried to get a hamburger at 10:30 PM last night but Room Service had the impudence to inform me that the line cook had just gone home and that they only had pizza.”

We then helpfully added that perhaps Ismail’s hotel did not have hamburgers because Ahed Tamimi ate all of them. Mr. Haniyeh thoughtfully scratched his head for a moment. “You raise an excellent point. The Sister Ahed had a very strong appetite in the Zionist jail. She volunteered to fight from our tunnels in Gaza, but our food supplies could not support her Resistance and we had to say no.”

As the Daily Freier ended our conversation with Mr. Haniyeh, he asked us to find the maid and request more towels and some of those tasty pillow mints.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Dating and Relationships, Secret Tel Aviv

Daily Freier forced to retract story about guy who uses the missile attacks to try to get laid on Secret Tel Aviv after guy uses the missile attacks to try to get laid on Secret Tel Aviv

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 10/28/23 at 1:20 PM

Tel Aviv: The Daily Freier has run afoul of journalistic standards and now faces public censure. What started as a fanciful satirical vignette about “a guy who goes on the popular local Facebook group ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ during wartime in order to get some action” has descended into an object lesson in journalistic malpractice. You see, had the Daily Freier bothered to check the Internets and the Googles this morning, we would have noticed “a guy who goes on the popular local Facebook group ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ during wartime in order to get some action”. Something like this has never happened to us in the 9-year history of our newspaper. Except that time. Also that time. And that other time.

The Daily Freier tracked down our editor Yuval Weiss about this scandal as he walked to synagogue and tried to claim that he couldn’t comment “because it’s Shabbat.” Mr. Weiss reminded us that trying to get laid on Secret Tel Aviv during a crisis was popularized during Corona and that this was not a big deal. Then he told us to go away.

On the Bright Side, it’s 2014 again in the Daily Freier’s collective mind: Hamas is shooting missiles at us, Taylor Swift is dating someone exciting, and Secret Tel Aviv is delightfully weird after becoming annoyingly basic for a while. Keep it up Jonny!

 

 

 

Our "Cousins"

Next Week’s Palestinian Hunger Strike is Sponsored by Tortit Chocolates!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6 September 2023 at 3:30 PM

Ramallah: With tensions rising throughout the region, Palestinian media stated today that their prisoners in Israeli jails plan a Hunger Strike starting next week. “The Palestinian freedom fighters incarcerated in Israel for their resistance to the occupation to start a hunger strike on September 14 in protest of repressive decisions against them.” reported the WAFA News Agency, which is apparently the Palestinian version of the Daily Freier (Ha Ha, Just kidding! The REAL Palestinian version of the Daily Freier is called the Daily Majnoon, and they still think we Occupied their Bandwidth.)

In related news, Tortit Chocolates is the Proud Sponsor of next week’s Hunger Strike! Tortit Chocolates rose to prominence thanks to Palestinian prisoner Marwan Barghouti, the phoniest Barghouti who does not have a PhD from Tel Aviv University. In addition to being a convicted terrorist, Mr. Barghouti is also a connoisseur of Tortit’s line of tasty yet affordable chocolate snacks. Back in 2017, Barghouti himself went on a Hunger Strike, but with snacks. He was caught on camera enjoying a delicious Tortit chocolate bar, but you can’t really trust the Right Wing Media that reported this, such as, umm, Haaretz.

In an act of Defiant Solidarity, former Palestinian prisoner/”Freshman 15″ Victim Ahed Tamimi proudly informed the Daily Freier that she too will go on a Hunger Strike, but then she asked us if we were going to finish our pizza.