Tag: Yuval Weiss

Nefesh B’Nefesh: Zero American Olim threatened to move back this week

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/24/2020 at 5:00 PM

Jerusalem: Today Nefesh B’Nefesh released unpredecedented news: in the past week not a single Oleh threatened to “move back to America“. Nefesh B’ Nefesh is an NGO dedicated to facilitating the Aliyah and success of Anglo Olim, a group that has earned a very unfair reputation of being a bunch of needy and entitled goofs. You see, it appears that Anglo, and especially American, Olim have a reputation for complaining. Anyhoo, for some weird reason, ZERO American Olim posted angry rants on Facebook or Aliyah Blogs about moving back this week, and nobody knows why. The Daily Freier pestered various Thought Leaders in the Olim Community until we got 500 words for our article.

First we spoke to Liami Lawrence, founder of Keep Olim in Israel, a Facebook community known for its calm discussions among Olim. “This is Amazing, and it’s all because of our incredible Counseling Services and job placement network! We finally did it!” he explained. The Daily Freier tried to argue that maybe some stuff might be happening in the United States that influenced this trend, but Liami had to cut the conversation short in order to moderate a post on Keep Olim’s Facebook page where someone was complaining about complainers and people were complaining about it.

The Daily Freier then stopped by Nefesh B’ Nefesh, and spoke to a Dati Leumi woman named Batsheva, Elisheva, or Just Sheva. “It’s all because of our A-Ma-Zing Tel Aviv Hub!  Did you know we host beer making classes? Also, once we moved all the chairs and had a Zoomba class!” The Daily Freier countered that perhaps there might be some current events affecting the plans of American Olim, but she cut us off and handed out some pamphlets for their “Go North” program.

Finally, the Daily Freier checked in at the Misrad HaKlita, but the Security Guard told us to make an Online Appointment, so we will have an update some time in late July.

The Daily Freier looks forward to the upcoming surge of new immigrants from America, thus fulfilling our Nightmare Dystopian Fantasy of an Israel completely run by Anglo Olim.

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Daily Freier admits that it invented Ariel Gold to increase Web Traffic

אֵשֶׁת חַֽיִל מִי יִמְצָא

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/6/2020 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Today the Daily Freier, in response to published reports, admitted that it invented Ariel Gold. The Code Pink activist best known for her anti-Zionism, junkets to Iran, and sliding into the DM’s of Hen Mazzig wacky protests, is in fact a fictional invention of the Daily Freier editorial staff created after a bizarre 2014 Negev retreat that featured mushrooms, hand puppets, a stack of old Lilith Magazine issues from the 1980’s, and a Belgian-Palestinian mime troupe. The Daily Freier attended a somber press conference convened by the Daily Freier.

We made the whole thing up.” admitted Daily Freier editor Yuval Weiss. “The Angry Tweets about Israeli food and cultural appropriation? Fake. The time she got deported from Ben Gurion? We hired an actress who we met at Ulpan Gordon. The bad spelling and Yiddish phrases used out of context? We ran old tweets from Jewish Voice for Peace through Google Translate three times.

What followed next was a cacophony of questions from reporters offended that they had been lied to for so long. Exactly why had the Daily Freier felt the need to deceive the public for so many years?

Clicks. We did it all for clicks.” answered Yuval. “We tried to do journalism on the straight and narrow, but the cost of living in Tel Aviv is nuts and we were running out of ideas. Creating the character of Ariel Gold allowed us to buy drinks for our friends and pretend that we were getting rich. Also this isn’t the first time we were forced to retract a storyline.  By the way, does anybody know who might have snitched on us?”

The gathered reporters continued to bombard Mr. Weiss with angry denunciations until he finally argued back. “OK people, give it a rest. It’s not like a couple of desperate Jews conjuring up a mythical creature ever had any unintended consequences.”

On the bright side, Shani the Rabbit is now a free woman.

Israel sends Emergency Team of Election Experts to Iowa

“We’re here to Help.”

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/4/2020 at 1:30 PM

Des Moines International Airport, Iowa: In the aftermath of yesterday’s disastrous Democratic Party Caucus in the State of Iowa, Israel immediately dispatched a C-130 Hercules filled with emergency vote-counting supplies and experts on how to efficiently hold an election. Long known for sending rescue teams to Haiti and other locations stricken by natural disasters, the Israeli Government also maintains a cell of experts on how to hold an election, how to ensure that nobody can form a viable coalition, how to waste a day of national productivity, and Avigdor Liberman. The Daily Freier caught up with the elite team as they unloaded their equipment on the tarmac of Des Moines International Airport.

We don’t have a moment to spare.” explained Team Leader Yossi H. “They need to begin preparing Right Now for their 3rd or 4th Election some time this Summer.” Yossi quickly gathered his team for a Mission Brief, and we saw the various specialists report in, to include experts from United Torah Judaism on how to trade Draft Exemptions and Stipends for votes, and a team from Kahol Lavan carrying a giant vacuum designed to suck all the charisma out of a room. In addition, a procurement team from the Prime Minister’s Office was immediately dispatched to the rich part of town to solicit free gifts.

The Daily Freier asked Yossi exactly what was required of Iowa in order to reach an Israeli-level of Elections Excellence. “Well, the leader of the United States is under a legal cloud and the opposition is trying to remove him from office before the next election…. so you’re actually off to a good start. But perhaps the reason I am most optimistic is that you also have a cranky Jew who wants to run America like a Kibbutz.”

 

“Maybe if she votes Lieberman”: Litzman sets terms for Leifer extradition

“Or if she buys the wrong phone”

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/5/2019 at 8:30 PM

Jerusalem: Israel’s Deputy Health Minister Yaakov Litzman this evening gave specific details of a scenario where he would approve the extradition of accused child molester Malka Leifer to Australia. “Maybe if she voted for Lieberman.”

Ms. Leifer, a former Principal at an Australian school for religious girls, was charged with 74 counts of sexual abuse back in 2008. So the school reacted as any school would react, by purchasing her a short notice airplane ticket to Israel! Since then Ms. Leifer has claimed to be mentally incapable of being extradited to Australia for trial. Yet thanks to some undercover sleuthing, we learned that her mental incapacity is the funky kind where she can still go shopping, talk on the phone, run errands around town, and basically do everything normal people do. Fascinating, huh?

Anyhoo, the case has progressed about as quickly as the queue at an Israeli Post Office on a Thursday afternoon. The court called state mental health experts to testify as to whether Ms. Leifer is mentally competent for extradition. Interestingly enough, some experts who said she was competent then changed their mind and ruled that Ms. Leifer is not competent to stand trial.

Yet, and we really need to stress this, absolutely NONE of this was due to illegal influence or intimidation from Deputy Health Minister Litzman. No way. That’s crazy! Just because he has the power to affect the careers of State Mental Health experts. Or because the police recommended his indictment on this issue for “fraud, breach of trust, and impeachment in testimony.” We’re still not convinced. Besides, Mr. Litzman spelled out multiple scenarios where he would support Leifer’s extradition.

If Malka votes for Lieberman, she can pack her bags.” Mr. Litzman informed the Daily Freier. “Or if she buys a phone with Internet Connectivity. Or, you know, if she breaks Shabbes.

The Daily Freier admonished Minister Litzman that this case and his behavior was turning a lot of average Israelis against him, but he dismissed the charge. “They should thank me! Think of how many new Hilonim that we created with this case!”

Police foil attempt to smuggle British Flag into Labour Party Conference

“He said it was a keffiyeh”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/23/2019 at 4:30 PM

Brighton: A crisis was narrowly averted today by quick-thinking security personnel at Britain’s annual Labour Conference. A man carrying the Union Jack attempted to gain access to the Conference this morning but was stopped before he reached the auditorium. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all of the facts.

I knew something was amiss when the individual did not quickly provide a list of preferred pronouns.” explained a Momentum activist named Stephanie at the Credentialing Booth. “Then I noticed that he had a bizarre handkerchief in his pocket with red and white crosses on a blue background. He said it was a keffiyeh, but he wasn’t fooling anyone.  I remembered seeing that thing on a Spice Girls album a long time ago. That’s when I called the Police.

As the man was led away in handcuffs, frightened attendees shared their feelings with the Daily Freier. “This is absolutely terrifying.” stated a volunteer wearing a “Free Gaza” smock. “Yet the fear I felt is the same that the people of Jenin have felt since 1967. Today’s events have placed me in greater in Solidarity with Palestine. Yalla.”

With the attempted incursion safely under control, Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn held an impromptu Press Conference to allay fears and restore calm. “Today’s events were an attempt by Boris Johnson’s thugs to destroy our Solidarity. We will not be defeated by Hate, because we are For the Many, Not the J….. Not the J….

At that moment Corbyn’s Spokesperson grabbed the microphone. “Not the Few.”

Feiglin’s cannabis voters accidentally choose “Joint List”

“Nobody told us”

(photo credit: Zehut Party)

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/19/2019 at 4:20 PM

Tel Aviv: With the result’s from Tuesday’s elections in, there were some real suprises. Likud under-performed, Lieberman got a lot of votes, and the Arab Joint List Party performed better than expected. Yet while some people attribute Joint List’s performance as a negative reaction to Abu Yair Bibi, the Daily Freier has found the real reason: a large bloc of former Zehut voters accidentally voted Joint List.

You see, Moshe Feiglin’s Zehut Party was a real… party. Kinda hardcore on the National Security side, kinda Libertarian on the domestic side: right to bear arms, and lots and lots of weed. Last year, Zehut did an amazing job of stealing the Stoner vote from Meretz. Later, Feiglin joined Netanyahu’s Coalition in exchange for 3 grams of Kush, rolling papers, some krembo, and an apple. Yet somehow the whole thing turned into a Balagan, as the Daily Freier learned when we went to vote and discovered the confusion of the former Zehut voters. In Tel Aviv, there are A LOT of these guys. Trust us.

Hey, I just voted for the new Zehut Party.” exclaimed a guy named Udi who we recognized from Midburn. “Their name is the best: ‘Joint List!’ ….That’s almost as good as ‘Spliff List’, right?

More votes means cheaper weed!” cackled Danny from the coffee shop. “Also, Mamash love the new name!

After meeting four more of our confused Zehut friends at the polling station, the Daily Freier finally broke the news: that ‘Joint List’ is a party consisting of Communists, Islamists, and Arab Nationalists…. and we became a giant buzzkill. The reactions were immediate:

Nobody told us.

We thought that maybe Feiglin and the guy with the Mohawk wanted to get a better domain name for their website.

Maybe that’s why we didn’t get enough votes last time.

UPDATE: The Times of Israel reports that Joint List would have received 15 seats, but half of Zehut’s voters think that the Election is tomorrow.

New App alerts you whenever Ariel Gold says something stupid

By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/10/2019 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv: Startup Nation has done it again, releasing an exciting App this week to great fanfare. ‘That’s Gold!’ is an application for Iphone and Android users that alerts you whenever noted BDS supporter/Deep Thinker Ariel Gold says or does something ridiculous. The Daily Freier wandered down to that WeWork office near Rothschild (no not that one, the other one) in order to meet the creators of this amazing application.

With our ‘That’s Gold!‘ app, we provide our customer with a one-stop shop to stay up to date on the latest dumb shit that Ariel came up with.” explained lead engineer Pinchas G. “Our state of the art algorithm pulls data from Ariel’s Twitter feed, Code Pink press releases, and the comments section for Hen Mazzig’s pet rabbit’s Instagram page.” Pinchas feverishly typed a line of code on his Macintosh and continued. “The 2.0 version even has a feature that notifies you whenever she uses a Yiddish phrase incorrectly.

Well if you think this App is selling like latkes in December, you are correct. The Daily Freier ran into a number of happy customers on Rothschild Boulevard.

OMG This is A-Ma-Zing!” extolled Arielle (NOT Ariel) C. “This gives me something to do whenever the Daily Freier is going through Writer’s Block.

Changed my life!” enthused David S. “I really like the feature that alerts me whenever she takes a selfie with Neteurei Karta.

Unfortunately, not all of the feedback was positive. The Daily Freier stumbled upon Alert Local Ronit S. as she desperately tried to silence her beeping Iphone at the coffee kiosk on the corner of Allenby. “Ariel just got into a one-way argument with Jason Greenblatt and now my phone won’t shut off…..thanks a lot.”

The Daily Freier looks forward to Ms. Gold’s inevitable response to this story, because it would no doubt trigger this app, thereby becoming the most Meta thing like ever.


p.s. Yes, we wrote a similar story about Margot Wallstrom back in 2015.

p.p.s. With Margot retiring, we saw a chance to reuse a theme.

p.p.p.s. At least someone around here is bothering to recycle. What, do you hate the Planet or something?

UN orders Beth Mynett’s husband to unilaterally withdraw from Ilhan Omar

By Emily Goldstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/4/2019 at 2:30 PM

New York City, Turtle Bay: The United Nations General Assembly acted forcefully today, passing a resolution ordering Beth Mynett’s husband to unilaterally withdraw from Ilhan Omar. According to divorce papers filed by Ms. Beth Mynett, it appears that some people did something her husband Tim was having an affair with Everyone’s Favorite Congresswoman/Walking Telanovela.

UN Secretary General António Guterres was adament at this morning’s Press Conference:  “The International Community stands as one and demands that Mr. Tim Mynett withdraw immediately from Ms. Omar. The United Nations hereby condemns this Occupation and the subsequent refugee status of Beth. This entire situation is such a……such a……Naqba.”

Reaction to this bombshell was contentious, with Congresswoman Omar blaming the Jooz denouncing the United Nations Resolution: “I am under no obligation to return Tim to his original co-habitant. You act like she has a Right of Return.” As the Congresswoman said ‘Right of Return‘, she made air quotes with her fingers. When reporters reminded Ms. Omar that Tim was now in violation of a UN resolution, she replied “או’ם שמום“.

For his part, Mr. Mynett denied any wrongdoing, claiming that he was actually just Ilhan’s brother.

Amir Peretz’s mustache joins Kahol Lavan

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/2/2019 at 10:50 PM

Sderot: In a move that is shaking the Israeli political establishment to its core, Amir Peretz’s mustache just joined the Kahol Lavan political party. Longtime Labor politician Amir Peretz shaved his mustache last week, thus ending one of the greatest symbiotic relationships between a mustache and its host body since Hall & Oates. And now his mustache is lashing out at his former partner and joining a rival political party. The Daily Freier rushed to Sderot to talk to Mr. Peretz’s mustache.

The Daily Freier met the mustache in a local eatery, as the mustache ate hummus, being careful not to get any in his mustache. “I never saw this coming.” complained the mustache. “We had so many good years together, and for him to just end things like this….. it feels like a betrayal.

The Daily Freier asked Mr. Peretz’s mustache exactly when he became a self-aware entity. “I’ve always been kind of independent. But it was on the Golan in 2007 when I realized that his eyes and his brain might not be pulling their own weight and that I might need to step in to help. But I always stayed loyal, you know?

The Daily Freier challenged Mr. Peretz’s mustache on his move to Kahol Lavan, noting that it appeared to be nothing more than petty score-settling, and his mustache exploded in anger. “Everything he accomplished was with me!!! Do you think he would have made it without me?! Do you think he would have made it out of this crappy town?!” The mustache looked around sheepishly at his fellow residents of Sderot in the hummus shop. “No offense.

Mr. Peretz’s mustache continued. “Doesn’t he even read the Bible? He’s going to lose all of his strength, like Samson! I’m serious…. I know his new hairdresser made him do this. She hates me.

The Daily Freier asked Mr. Peretz if he had any future plans. “This is all so new. I haven’t been on my own in 30 years. Maybe I can move to Tel Aviv and grow into a hipster beard.

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Mr. Peretz’s mustache told us that if Amir asks about him, it’s not too late for a reconciliation. “He can call me.

 

 

Peter Beinart converts to As-A-Jewdaism

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/22/2019 at 10:00 AM

Brooklyn: Excitement was in the air today as a leading As-A-Jewish pundit took the plunge and embraced the religion of As-A-Jewdaism. Noted critic of Israeli policies Peter Beinart dipped into the mikvah at Brooklyn’s Congregration Gates of Self-Righteousness and became a part of the As-A-Jewish people. The Daily Freier was on the scene to share in the simchas.

As the Congregation waited for the ceremony to begin, machers from the various denominations of As-A-Jewdaism milled about in the Jewish Lobby: Bundists, Julia Carmel Bat Dolezal, IfNotNow, Jew-ish Voice for Peace, and some writers for the Forward.  Then a hush fell on the crowd as Rabbi Ari L. Gold and Mr. Beinart walked into the room. Rabbi Gold welcomed the audience. “This is an amazing day for me As A Jew as we welcome Peter to the religion of As-A-Jewdaism. As a Jew I feel that Peter will be a great addition to our movement.”

The crowd remained silent as they waited for Mr. Beinart’s response.

As a Jew I agree with you!” exclaimed Peter to wild applause.

Peter then gave a moving Dvar Torah, that felt kinda like a laundry list of why he thinks Israel sucks and kinda like a Taylor Swift breakup song. He mentioned Trump a lot. And Bibi of course. Also Marc Lamont Hill’s dreaminess. Honestly, there was a lot to unpack. But eventually he finished and then everyone went downstairs to the Social Hall/Food Co-Op for the reception. The Daily Freier was excited to ask the congregants about their fascinating religion.

You see, As-A-Jewdaism has the same Holy Books as Traditional Judaism, we just interpret them differently.” explained Jesse from IfNotNow. “Also, we use a lot of Yiddish. Because Israelis don’t. And if we don’t know what a cool-sounding Yiddish word actually means, we use it anyway. Like ‘kvelling’. Because As A Jew!”

Honestly, I never thought this would happen so quickly.” enthused Christine from Jew-ish Voice for Peace. “I mean, by converting before the High Holidays, Peter is giving up an incredible opportunity to write one of his “Crisis of the Soul” think-pieces for Haaretz about why some combination of the Kol Nidre service, Ivanka, and Breaking the Silence caused him to make this decision.” Christine lowered her voice to a whisper and moved in closer. “I’m telling you, even the bookies in Las Vegas were shocked by how fast Peter made the switch.

Finally, the Daily Freier was able to talk to the man of the hour, Mr. Beinart. “I just hope that my actions As A Jew send a signal. You know, about my virtue. Oh, and also about the fast-growing religion of As-A-Jewdaism.” The Daily Freier asked Mr. Beinart if the conversion process was difficult. “Honestly, I’ve been on this road for quite a while, so it just felt natural.” Peter paused for a moment and continued. “Best of all, they didn’t make me do another Brit Milah because I was already an insufferable prick.”