So this Israeli woman wandered into Syria a while back and Israel apparently traded her freedom for Bamba, some rolling papers, and a matkot paddle the release of two Security prisoners and a large shipment of Russian Corona vaccines. It appears the woman has some issues, so this is a bit sad. But we paid a big price, she probably won’t be punished, and apparently she couldn’t care less. So here goes, the Daily Freier is going to satirize the situation with her Top Ten Excuses:
Tel Aviv: “It’s a hate crime! Ethnic discrimination! Racism!” cried Mindy R. “These stores and their discriminatory practices that make the food I like more expensive. It’s just because I’m Ashkenazi, isn’t it?“
Mindy, a Passaic native who now lives in Tel Aviv, tearfully described her experiences shopping for food at her local AM:PM supermarket. “These cultural micro-aggressions have got to stop!”
“They’re charging 21 Shekels for a tiny bottle of McCormick’s seasoning, and like 10 Shekels for a kilo of some random yellow spices I’ve never heard of.” Mindy complained. “Their motives are pretty obvious; they think they’re better than me and are trying to force me to be like them…. maybe I don’t want to serve yellow chicken and yellow rice and yellow vegetables for Shabbos like every Israeli I know? That’s why they made the jars of duck sauce so expensive, because they don’t want me to buy them! And yeah, I tried Amazon and Target but they don’t ship here.”
We headed to Mindy’s corner supermarket with her typical shopping list: jarred gefilte fish, duck sauce, and cream of mushroom soup (You know, the essentials!) in order to get the whole story from Rami the manager. “Am I racist against her? No way! That girl is one of my best customers; she easily spends 4000 Shekels every month!”
We asked Mindy why, if she felt uncomfortable at her local grocery store, couldn’t she just go to another store like Osher Ad? “I would need a car to get to a supermarket like that.” she said. “I would totally buy one, but groceries are sooo expensive.”
UPDATE: Stay tuned for tomorrow when this crisis migrates to Facebook and morphs into an angry rant on the popular page “Living Financially Smarter in Israel”!
Jerusalem, Rasko: “After years of complaining about America, my cousins made Aliyah…. both the far-right and the far-left one!” gushed Jerusalem resident Chana N. “It all happened so fast, I didn’t even have time to ask them to bring me a suitcase full of Q-Tips, Montreal Spice, and Ziplocs.They arrived yesterday and immediately started their Aliyah blogs!”
Chana scrolled through her Facebook feed looking for each cousins’ posts. “Every time President Trump did something she didn’t like, my cousin Leora would write ‘That’s it! I can’t stay in America, I’m making Aliyah!‘ ….So far so good, right?”
“But with my other cousin, Miri, it was the exact same thing except it was Obama and Pelosi…. They’ve been saying it for years.”
Of course, when pressed about actually making Aliyah, each cited some vague excuses about ‘Parnasa’ and asked when Target and Amazon were going to start shipping to Israel. But after spending years as “Almost Olim“, America’s current Bi-Partisan Balagan helped make up their minds!
The Daily Freier reached both Leora and Miri on a Zoom call at their Quarantine Hotels. After politely listening to their gripes about the hotel food, we asked each woman why she made Aliyah: was it because of their Zionist ideals, a sense of religious duty, or were they escaping antisemitism? Miri chimed in. “First week of September my cousin in Israel is sending her kids to school and our old school district is closed! I’ll do anything to escape from a year of distance learning… Anything!”
In a show of solidarity and unity, both Leora and Miri vowed to wear their Nefesh B’ Nefesh hats until Moschiach arrives.
Over the past year, the Daily Freier has grown very attached to our favorite Tel Aviv cult community organization. We even teased them a little in an article! So it was a bit of a shock when we got the news that Kerem House had moved a few blocks away. Anyhoo, we cyber-stalked various Kerem House Committee Members and asked them the reason why they decided to move. So Behold, here is our Research!
1) We received a message from HaShem.
2) The Police started to ask questions about our Crypto Currency.
3) We needed to break up with our vegetable guy at the Shuk.
4) Wanted to be closer to Bograshov when the French arrive in August.
5) It was a chance to score another free Mezuzah from Chabad on the Coast.
6) The guys from MidBurn built a tipi on our roof and refused to leave.
7) We explained this in our Newsletter. Wait, you don’t subscribe to our Newsletter? Here, give me your phone. OK, you’re signed up now.
8) The mold in our bathroom wanted to live closer to the beach.
9) We applied for a Nefesh B’Nefesh “Go North” grant.
10) You’re gonna have to attend our next weird-ass TED Talk to find out.
Jerusalem: Today Nefesh B’Nefesh released unpredecedented news: in the past week not a single Oleh threatened to “move back to America“. Nefesh B’ Nefesh is an NGO dedicated to facilitating the Aliyah and success of Anglo Olim, a group that has earned a very unfair reputation of being a bunch of needy and entitled goofs. You see, it appears that Anglo, and especially American, Olim have a reputation for complaining. Anyhoo, for some weird reason, ZERO American Olim posted angry rants on Facebook or Aliyah Blogs about moving back this week, and nobody knows why. The Daily Freier pestered various Thought Leaders in the Olim Community until we got 500 words for our article.
First we spoke to Liami Lawrence, founder of Keep Olim in Israel, a Facebook community known for its calm discussions among Olim. “This is Amazing, and it’s all because of our incredible Counseling Services and job placement network! We finally did it!” he explained. The Daily Freier tried to argue that maybe some stuff might be happening in the United States that influenced this trend, but Liami had to cut the conversation short in order to moderate a post on Keep Olim’s Facebook page where someone was complaining about complainers and people were complaining about it.
The Daily Freier then stopped by Nefesh B’ Nefesh, and spoke to a Dati Leumi woman named Batsheva, Elisheva, or Just Sheva. “It’s all because of our A-Ma-Zing Tel Aviv Hub! Did you know we host beer making classes? Also, once we moved all the chairs and had a Zoomba class!” The Daily Freier countered that perhaps there might be some current events affecting the plans of American Olim, but she cut us off and handed out some pamphlets for their “Go North” program.
Finally, the Daily Freier checked in at the Misrad HaKlita, but the Security Guard told us to make an Online Appointment, so we will have an update some time in late July.
The Daily Freier looks forward to the upcoming surge of new immigrants from America, thus fulfilling our Nightmare Dystopian Fantasy of an Israel completely run by Anglo Olim.
Latrun: A tragedy was averted yesterday after Israeli police rescued an American tourist from the luggage compartment of an Egged bus. Apparently the 19 year old man tried to retrieve a bag from the luggage department, got trapped inside, and the bus driver took off. Now those of you who don’t live in Israel are asking “How the heck could this happen?” Whereas those of you who have ever rode an Israeli bus are no doubt nodding your heads and sadly laughing to yourselves.
Just to make this story even more Israelier, the bus company blamed the young tourist for the balagan. Egged Spokesperson Ron Ratner said “The incident happened on a windy and rainy day, and the driver was unable to foresee irresponsible behavior of the passenger.” (Note to our foreign readership: the previous sentence is Israeli for “Sorry“…..and yes he really really said this.)
Yet perhaps the greatest aspect of this story was the courage shown by the tourist. The Daily Freier was able to speak with him and get his side of the story. “Flying to Israel on El Al really prepared me for what happened in that cargo hold. The feeling that I was trapped with nobody to help me? If you added the part where our departure was delayed because a Haredi guy refused to sit next to a woman, you’re describing my El Al flight. Also, the bus didn’t lose my luggage.”
UPDATE: Nefesh B’ Nefesh wants to use this brave tourist for their upcoming “Only in Israel!” publicity campaign.
Yafo Clock Tower: O.M.G. I am having the Cra-Zi-Est day! So I got on the 125 Bus because I wanted to ride to the Shuk, right? You see, I am ready to FINALLY make Shakshuka at home and wanted to get fresh ingredients. So I’m on the bus and this cute guy immediately starts Talking. Me. Up. Crazy, right? But then he says he needs to get to his Startup and charge his bike and just ghosts. Lame. Anyways, I kinda missed my stop and next thing I know, NOTHING looks familiar. Plus I can’t really understand Hebrew without the vowels. Why are all the bus stops named “Tehina”? Is that a thing? Wait, where was I? OK so I was lost. Started to cry. Texted my mom. But I still don’t understand my phone plan with Golan, so who knows who I actually texted.
OK, so I’m still on the bus and I decide to get off and just get out of my comfort zone. Am I a Nefesh B’Nefesh Poster Girl or what? Kidding! Anyways, I found this amazing giant flea market! I felt like I was in Vintage Heaven! And get this, I bought a yummy Jello called ‘malabi’ for just 5 Shekels! My roommate says you can buy it at Cofix, but she’s an idiot.
OK so I started chatting with the woman who sold me this super cute jean jacket, and— get this — she told me I was in ‘Yafo’. Wait… I think my cousin Ashley lives down here. I think she said she lives near an olive tree that is just hanging in the middle of the air or something. Wait, was she baked when she told me that? OK so I start walking toward this tree and I think I’m lost again, but I see these giant wings on the wall and I asked these really chill tourists from Holland to take my photo with the wings. Wait, is that Basic?
Then I start walking again, because I think I know where the olive tree is, but I guess I didn’t because I ended up outside of like a Chabad House? Except the guy didn’t have a beard and was really clean cut. And he was wearing khaki pants and carried a clipboard? Plus he asked me to take a personality test. Wait What? Then he said something about Tom Cruise. I don’t think this is really Chabad. Like where’s the Rebbetzin? Shouldn’t I get some candles?
Since 2014, the Daily Freier has scratched your collected itches for weird stuff. Sometimes we even write our stories based on tips from you, our alert readership! But what if a story is just “Too weird for the Daily Freier“? Well, it happens. Here are ten stories that we simply had to reject. Enjoy wondering what might have been.
1. The men who play pétanque on Rothschild Boulevard: without their clothes on!
2. Latest Nefesh B’Nefesh program helps you get banned from Secret Tel Aviv…. BEFORE you make Aliyah!
3. Holmes Gym just opened membership to straight guys too!
4. Afula: Is it the new Neve Tzedek?
5. Bombshell: Two people who work in Israel Advocacy rumored to get along with one another.
6. Win a chance to be named Jerusalem’s Next Top Hot Chani!
7. Maccabi Health offers free personal development classes to anyone in a Purim “couples costume”.
8. Strange But True: The weirdos who enjoy Tel Aviv AND Jerusalem!
9. Sarah Tuttle-Singer takes 3 bong hits and explains the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.
10. “Have I Peed Here Yet?” An interactive street map for Tel Aviv men.
Jerusalem: Israeli non-profit Nefesh B’Nefesh is speaking out today to denounce published reports that every woman who made Aliyah in 2017 was named Rachel or Sarah. Or Sara. Or Rakhel. Or Rochel. Or Racheli…. Anyhoo, they are not happy about that rumor and are now setting the record straight.
“This is just ridiculous.” admonished Sarah B., a Nefesh B’Nefesh spokesperson from the Jerusalem office. “You really shouldn’t believe everything you hear.It’s like you’re totally ignoring the Leahs. And the Devorahs. And the Devorah Leahs.”
In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier reached out to members of the local community to get their take on this important story.
“That just doesn’t even make any sense.” mused Rachel S. as she walked her dogs on Bograshov Street. “Like how do people come up with this stuff?”
Tel Aviv, Florentin: The State of Israel is currently losing patience with the fact that you still haven’t given them a complete synopsis of your Midburn experience, starting with your Camp’s months of preparation and ending with you driving your filthy car home to Tel Aviv. Midburn is Israel’s answer to Burning Man, and attendees are normally about as reluctant to overshare as a Vegan who does Cross-Fit. Anyhoo, The Daily Freier spoke with several of your friends, neighbors, acquaintances, co-workers, relatives, and exes to get their feelings about your critical failure to tell them everything about your Midburn Camp already.
“Wow, I am DYING to hear about his trip.” exclaimed alert local Ronit S. “I mean, everyone from his camp spent the past 2 months hanging out on our apartment building’s communal roof twice a week. It turns out they were building a bunch of structures for their Camp.” Ronit took a drag from her cigarette. “You know, for a while I wasn’t sure, because it all just looked like the regular garbage on our roof.”
The Daily Freier also caught up with your ex, who shared her theories on what happened at Midburn. “I’m going to make a crazy guess…. but they did some drugs….. And then they did some more drugs.”
“Did they listen to electronic dance music?” inquired your cousin Avner. “How about glow sticks. Because I really can’t get enough stories about glow sticks.”
“Wait, did the sand end up EVERYWHERE?” asked your Boss at the Startup. “That’s just CRAZY!” Later, your boss confided that you showed him fake tickets to Berlin for a fake Tech Expo because you didn’t want him to know that you were just going to go hang out in the desert and hallucinate/blow bubbles/wear a costume that looked like something from Return of the Jedi.
Meanwhile, this year’s inaugural Nefesh B’Nefesh camp at MidBurn was met with controversy after 7 Americans who had extended their Taglit trip to attend MidBurn woke up from 8 hours on mushrooms only to find out that they had signed Aliyah paperwork and were about to start Ulpan in Afula as part of the organization’s “Go North Program“.
Finally, the women who work in the next cubicle from you had questions of their own. “So we’ve been discussing this all morning….and it’s still just a concept….but did he have a romantic encounter there? And was he not sure if it was a ‘real life’ romantic encounter or ‘just a Midburn thing’? Because we might have to cancel morning staff meeting and just discuss this instead.”
Yet not everyone in town was even aware that Midburn occurred this week. “So you’re saying that Midburn already happened?” wondered the guy who works at your corner coffee shop. “I guess that explains why I couldn’t get anything on Telegrass last week.“
*Special thanks to alert citizen-journalist Eric Narrow who contributed to this story.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.