This is your chance to interact with one another. We’re going to make fun of our upcoming 3rd Election (you KNOW it’s going to happen) and have some drinks on a rooftop and you will all share your personal issues which the Daily Freier will spin into future stories. Your previous plans for Wednesday just seem silly now, don’t they?
Tel Aviv: With the result’s from Tuesday’s elections in, there were some real suprises. Likud under-performed, Lieberman got a lot of votes, and the Arab Joint List Party performed better than expected. Yet while some people attribute Joint List’s performance as a negative reaction to Abu Yair Bibi, the Daily Freier has found the real reason: a large bloc of former Zehut voters accidentally voted Joint List.
You see, Moshe Feiglin’s Zehut Party was a real… party. Kinda hardcore on the National Security side, kinda Libertarian on the domestic side: right to bear arms, and lots and lots of weed. Last year, Zehut did an amazing job of stealing the Stoner vote from Meretz. Later, Feiglin joined Netanyahu’s Coalition in exchange for 3 grams of Kush, rolling papers, some krembo, and an apple. Yet somehow the whole thing turned into a Balagan, as the Daily Freier learned when we went to vote and discovered the confusion of the former Zehut voters. In Tel Aviv, there are A LOT of these guys. Trust us.
“Hey, I just voted for the new Zehut Party.” exclaimed a guy named Udi who we recognized from Midburn. “Their name is the best: ‘Joint List!’ ….That’s almost as good as ‘Spliff List’, right?”
“More votes means cheaper weed!” cackled Danny from the coffee shop. “Also, Mamash love the new name!”
After meeting four more of our confused Zehut friends at the polling station, the Daily Freier finally broke the news: that ‘Joint List’ is a party consisting of Communists, Islamists, and Arab Nationalists…. and we became a giant buzzkill. The reactions were immediate:
“Nobody told us.”
“We thought that maybe Feiglin and the guy with the Mohawk wanted to get a better domain name for their website.”
“Maybe that’s why we didn’t get enough votes last time.”
UPDATE: The Times of Israel reports that Joint List would have received 15 seats, but half of Zehut’s voters think that the Election is tomorrow.
Sderot: In a move that is shaking the Israeli political establishment to its core, Amir Peretz’s mustache just joined the Kahol Lavan political party. Longtime Labor politician Amir Peretz shaved his mustache last week, thus ending one of the greatest symbiotic relationships between a mustache and its host body since Hall & Oates. And now his mustache is lashing out at his former partner and joining a rival political party. The Daily Freier rushed to Sderot to talk to Mr. Peretz’s mustache.
The Daily Freier met the mustache in a local eatery, as the mustache ate hummus, being careful not to get any in his mustache. “I never saw this coming.” complained the mustache. “We had so many good years together, and for him to just end things like this….. it feels like a betrayal.”
The Daily Freier asked Mr. Peretz’s mustache exactly when he became a self-aware entity. “I’ve always been kind of independent. But it was on the Golan in 2007 when I realized that his eyes and his brain might not be pulling their own weight and that I might need to step in to help. But I always stayed loyal, you know?”
The Daily Freier challenged Mr. Peretz’s mustache on his move to Kahol Lavan, noting that it appeared to be nothing more than petty score-settling, and his mustache exploded in anger. “Everything he accomplished was with me!!! Do you think he would have made it without me?! Do you think he would have made it out of this crappy town?!” The mustache looked around sheepishly at his fellow residents of Sderot in the hummus shop. “No offense.”
Mr. Peretz’s mustache continued. “Doesn’t he even read the Bible? He’s going to lose all of his strength, like Samson! I’m serious…. I know his new hairdresser made him do this. She hates me.”
The Yafo Flea Market: Meretz is striking back forcefully against a recently re-visited Government Ethics Panel from 4 years ago forbidding their Knesset Members from smoking cannabis. The Jerusalem Post reported that Tamar Zandberg, a MK for Israel’s In-No-Way-Out-In-Left-Field Meretz Party, was admonished that she could not smoke weed because:
a) it’s against the law
b) she’s like a lawmaker and stuff
But if you think our friends at Meretz were going to simply roll over and give up, well, you’re wrong. The Party issued a stern rebuttal to the Ethics Committee, signed by all of their MK’s, and delivered at a Press Conference this afternoon at the Yafo Flea Market.
“This so-called ruling by the Quote Unquote Ethics Committee is totally unjust.” admonished Meretz spokesperson Danny C. “This ruling deprives our party of some of our best idea generating sessions. I mean, just last night we were only one or two bong-hits away from truly solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.”
Danny continued. “Also, after a marathon 12 spliff session on Tuesday, we came up with a solution to Greater Tel Aviv’s sky-high rental costs which was just brilliant! ….The trouble is, the next morning was “Group Cleanup Day” at our communal apartment on Sheinkin, and now we can’t find the pizza box where we drew the diagrams for all the geodesic domes, houseboats, and rooftop yurts. Wait, do you know what day the Garbageman comes? We might be able to find it in the Green bins next to the curb.”
The Daily Freier asked Danny just how long Meretz has been doing…. ummm…. ‘enhanced brainstorming”, and he replied that it’s been “like years and years” since this has been the case. “In 2014, the Party drafted a 5-Point Resolution to better integrate Israel’s Arab minority, but by the time we got back from Midburn, we realized that we’d left the manifesto at the campsite in the blue IKEA bag that also held our bamba and glow-sticks.”
Danny then reached under the podium to get the Party’s latest press release on increasing voter participation, only to find that he’d misplaced it. But he was positive that it contained the following phrases: “It worked in Holland“, “commune in the Arava“, “windmill“, and “hemp seeds“.
Tel Aviv: The Center for the Study of Democracy in Israel published a report today indicating that only 77% of the nation’s citizens have started their own political party. With today’s election revealing a confusing array of choices consisting of every one, two, and three-letter combination from the Hebrew Alphabet, this number seemed a bit low. So in order to get to the bottom of this, the Daily Freier met with the Center’s lead researcher Natan C. at a North Tel Aviv cafe.
As we sipped our coffees, Natan gestured to the current occupants of the cafe. “Look around. The waitress, the cook, the hostess, the old guy doing Sudoku, the goofy blogger, the old woman dispensing free advice, the manager, the manager’s girlfriend, the manager’s girlfriend’s girlfriend. All of them are currently running a political party, just formed a breakaway party after a nasty split from an existing party, or are busy filling out forms and petitions to form their own.”
Not wanting to simply take Natan’s word at face value, the Daily Freier then called Israel’s Board of Election supervisors and asked if the Center’s numbers are in fact correct. “77% of Israelis have their own political party? Oh that’s just nonsense.” Election Board Supervisor Gila H. scoffed. “Soon you will be telling me that someone started a party for secular Tel Aviv cats. Wait….never mind. It appears that somebody did. I quit.”
We hereby demand that the Knesset reinstate MK Oren Hazan, immediately and unconditionally. Why? Because we are trying to run a humor site over here, and Oren is the greatest cure to writer’s block since Yair Netanyahu stopped inviting us out to the clubs.
Without Oren Hazan around, who is going to wave a tasty Tortit brand chocolate bar in Aymen Odeh’s face? Nobody, that’s who.
Not to mention the fact that this suspension is putting at risk the Knesset’s greatest “Fun Couple”: Oren and Hanin Zoabi. Without Mr. Hazan around, nobody knows what Ms. Zoabi will do next. Actually, we have an idea. But it’s nuts.
By The Daily Freier Martyrs Brigade, a Division of +972
Last Updated 7/3/2022
Al-Quds: In a dramatic last-minute political coup, Prime Minister Hanin Zoabi clinched a majority coalition after promising the Shas and United Torah Judaism political parties increased subsidies, a complete deferment of military service for Yeshiva Students, full veto power over future conversions, plus total control over the Western Wall. The newly re-named Daily Freier Martyrs Brigade was on the scene at the Knesset Majlis to get all of the details on this exciting development.
A defiant MK Litzman explained his decision to join Prime Minister Zoabi’s Cabinet. “People are saying this may be the end of the State of Israel, and I tell them ‘So what?’ I mean, we stood up for principles and refused to give in to a bunch of fake Jews. Plus, our subsidies went up 20%. Now if you’ll excuse me, Foreign Minister Tibi is calling a meeting on Implementation Phase One for the Right of Return.”
Despite a final push to unite the Zionist Parties and withstand Zoabi’s coalition, it was all for naught. At a hastily held Press Conference, their former leaders tried to make sense of it all. Zehava Gal-On admitted that it would have been smarter to also campaign east of Ibn Gavriol Boulevard. Next, Bougie Herzog was supposed to address the audience but nobody remembered to call him. Later, Tzipi Livni explained how things would have worked out better if she had been in charge. Meanwhile, a despondent Bibi Netanyahu sulked in the corner. “I can’t believe that Shas and United Torah Judaism would betray me like this. I mean, what kind of person goes back on a deal simply for a short-term political gain?”
For her part, Prime Minister Zoabi was quite relaxed about the maneuver. “I had to promise them full control over the Wall and the Conversion process. But I figure, ‘Let the Dhimmis sort out the Dhimmis.’ You know what I’m saying? Not my business…. Plus, I had to promise Universal Draft Deferments for all Yeshiva students between the age of 18 and 40, but it was worth it. Besides, I have no idea what General Barghouti will want to do with the “IDF” once it merges into Fatah’s Security Service.”
Tel Aviv: Heading abroad amidst a string of major gaffes, United States President Donald Trump has found an unexpected success: uniting Palestinians and Israelis. No, the world’s most powerful son-in-law Jared Kushner has not gotten the two sides to agree on anything at all, but The Trump Administration has united the two sides in a massive game of Middle East Bingo. And we have the cards to prove it.
When Trump makes a gaffe that insults either side, they mark the offense. (Israelis use a tiny kippah and Palestinians use the rusty keys that open their father’s brother’s cousin’s nephew’s ex-girlfriend’s former roommate’s former home. Or a filing cabinet.) Given Trump’s propensity for surprising the world with completely bizarre and unexpected comments, each side will be allowed Wild Card boxes. They can be anywhere on the card because, like our borders, we can’t all agree on where to put them.
Players can also choose not to play for their own nationality and instead choose to play merely by which side Trump will be first to offend the most. Each card has a range of severity, from gaffes that cause unanimous laughter (such as admitting how much he relates to the song ‘Golden Boy’) to scandal-inducing comments that lead to an absolute shutdown of the peace process entirely, with both sides slamming their doors shut with signs out front saying to come back after Trump’s been impeached. Seriously, they’ll even take Mike Pence.
Some of the offenses are the same for both groups. Pronouncing hummus with the American pronunciation “hum-us” is a high offense to both parties. There’s also a hummus specific wild card for any hummus-related atrocities, such as Trump confessing he loves Hummus Quinoa Cakes. Both sides also have the box for offending everyone by saying the Israelis had the right idea with their border wall and asked how Israel got the Palestinians to pay for it.
Options on the Palestinian card include using a mobile version of the red button to order a BLT while visiting Al Aqsa, referring to the West Bank as Judea and Samaria, calling Mahmoud Abbas “Bashar”, and referring to someone whose name he doesn’t know as Abu. Probably the most controversial, albeit not unexpected, options is the announcement that the US Embassy will be moved from Tel Aviv to East Jerusalem. However, everyone is most eager to get the chance to mark the box if someone convinces Trump that all speeches in the region are started with the terms of endearment, ‘sharmuta’ and ‘kusemek.’ Palestinians don’t get to have all the fun though as the Israelis have a similar box for if someone convinces Trump to greet a woman as ‘bat zona.’
For the Israelis, there’s the complete possibility Trump will visit Masada, look around at the ruins and declare that he “really prefers Jews who didn’t commit mass suicide.” Additionally, there’s a wholehearted expectation he’ll ask how Israel functions when everyone works in banks. “Your army must have very organized finances!” is expected to be met with the sound of an entire country in collective laughter. It also wouldn’t be surprising to hear him admit his visit to Masada was cancelled when he found out he couldn’t turn it into a hotel since he had planned to drop down the giant gold Trump sign from his helicopter while he was here. Another alarming possibility is the outcry he could cause by collecting the notes from the Kotel, insisting they are Hillary’s missing emails.
Each side is so engrossed in the competition that they have even taken to trying to sway the game in their favor. through the fine art of trolling. Religious Jews in Jerusalem have been hanging extra tallits out with the wash in hopes of getting Trump to admit he thinks Jews have sex through a hole in the sheet. If successful, they get to mark a sex-specific Wild Card box in case Trump finds a way to relate this to his own amazing abilities in the sack.
Across the Green Line, Palestinians have changed literally every restaurant’s name to “Aloha Snackbar” in order to trigger Trump’s tendency to talk about whatever is right in front of him and get him to say “Allahu Akbar“, just to see if Steve Bannon will totally lose his mind.
Competition is fierce as each side has decided they are likely better off by letting the victor set the parameters for a long-term peace solution than they would be with any negotiations involving the Trump Administration.
Listen, I take pride in my work. Being the most disloyal lawmaker in “Israel” is not easy. And as a woman you have to work twice as hard to be recognized as number one when it comes to seeking the destruction of Israel as the homeland of the Jewish people. But through hard work and sacrifices (don’t get me started about dating), I have succeeded against all odds.