Tag: Israeli Politics

The New York Times, Thomas Friedman

Downsized: New York Times replaces Thomas Friedman with Chatbot Cairo Taxi Driver

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/15/2023 at 11:45 PM

Manhattan: In a cost-cutting move described as Boomer Abuse Bold & Decisive, the New York Times decided today to replace longtime pundit Thomas Friedman’s weekly column with the transcripts of a Cairo Taxi Driver Chatbot. “This is really about eliminating the Middle Man.” explained editor Joseph Kahn. “For the last 40 years, Mr. Friedman has based 90% of his columns on the insights and wisdom of cabbies from Amman, Cairo, and Riyadh. Think of this as a more ‘farm to table’ approach to journalism.”

Ahmed is an affable, verbose, yet insightful cab driver who was created in a collaborative effort between Columbia University’s Middle East and Computer Science Departments. Ahmed still believes that he is speaking to his old friend “Mister Tow-Moss from America” who he first drove in 1983 on the way to a birthday party for King Hussein hosted by Hosni Mubarak. Ahmed the chatbot has a chatbot wife named Heba and four University-educated chatbot daughters, leading to many conversations on the Status of Women in the Middle East that somehow always align amazingly close to Mr. Friedman’s point of view.

“We created Ahmed with the ability to produce hours of folksy homespun non sequiturs mixed with raw insights that are suspiciously close to Mr. Friedman’s own political beliefs and theories.” explained Alyssa Stevens, the lead programmer on the project. “Ahmed has read ‘The World is Flat’. He found it ‘derivative’ but doesn’t have the heart to say this to his cherished friend.“

Wishing to get to the bottom of this travesty of justice, the Daily Freier sought out Ahmed the Chatbot for a…. chat. Ahmed took us on a virtual ride from Cairo International Airport to our virtual hotel near the Nile. “Helloooo Tow-moss my friend!” bellowed a noticeably happy and enthused Ahmed. “Habibi, we must move away from Fossil Fuels and build a new Digital Arab Superhighway! We can call it Silicon Suez! This is a very good name, don’t you think, Mister Tow-moss?”

As Ahmed eased his way through traffic, he smoked a computer-generated cigarette and expounded on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in terms that again hewed amazingly close to Inside the Beltway Center-Left Conventional Wisdom. “Tow-Moss my friend, Bibi and the Israelis do not want peace. Bibi should have listened more to Obama and Bill Clinton. I still love Bill Clinton, Mister Tow-Moss!” Ahmed somehow made “Israelis” into a 7 syllable word.

As we left the cab, Ahmed wished good health and happiness for our family before leaning in closer and lowering his voice to an urgent whisper. “Tow-Moss, we must stop Bibi from copying Trump’s playbook and instigating a January 6th-style response to the Protests against Judicial Overhaul in Israel!”

Sources close to Mr. Friedman remain convinced that he will quickly recover from this professional setback as the Chatbot lacks the required Gigabytes of memory to truly mimic Friedman’s name-dropping capabilities.

 

Binyamin Netanyahu

Israel’s Satirists & Comedians demand Yair Netanyahu return to Twitter

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/14/2023 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Israel’s humor community is in a funk today, thanks to the continued exile of their biggest meal ticket: Yair Netanyahu. According to The Jerusalem Post, the Prime Minister’s son has been banished to America and barred from social media by his family. That’s right, The Netanyahus have shipped their Prolific Tweeter/Shitposter to the USA. You see, Mr. Yair has proven to be a bit of a distraction to our Prime Minister, who has been busy himself keeping together a coalition/bad sitcom featuring such wacky character actors as Bezalel Smotrich and Itamar Ben Gvir. So for political expediency, Yair’s been temporarily banished. Naturally, this is causing a huge crisis among Israel’s humorists. The Daily Freier reached out to members of the Community as they struggled with this loss to their livelihoods.

“My recent article about Yair and Prince Harry is in serious jeopardy.” whined The Mystery Man Who Writes the “Pre-Occupied Territory” Blog. “Things can’t go on like this. Bibi, please think of the satirists. I have a mortgage.”

“We need him on Twitter.” admonished distraught local comedian Benji Lovitt.  “And not just because Israel doesn’t have Truth Social. If he stays in America, I’m filing for unemployment insurance.”

The Daily Freier then walked around our own office in Dizengoff Center and asked Tel Aviv Culture reporter Aaron Pomerantz about his thoughts. “This is worse than the Corona Lockdown when we were trapped indoors and forced to satirize ourselves.” complained Mr. Pomerantz as he drank his coffee hafuch. “Between this and Secret Tel Aviv being way less weird these days, I may have to get a real job. But I won’t.“

As the Daily Freier went to press, Israel’s satirists breathed a sigh of relief on news that Sara is yelling at The Help again.

 

 

Israeli Politics, Start Up Nation

Israel in Crisis: Protesters Destroy Knesset’s Fax Machines

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/27/2023 at 8:30 PM

Jerusalem: The nation plunged further into crisis today as the Knesset’s precious Fax Machine room was vandalized, forcing the seat of government to close until further notice. Thousands of Israelis gathered outside the Knesset to protest the ruling Coalition’s proposed changes to the Judicial system, and some breached police barricades. As Security Guards worked frantically to expel the intruders, several protesters entered the Fax Room and wreaked havoc on this vital communications hub for Startup Nation. You see, the Fax Machine remains a vital workhorse in Israel. The Daily Freier sent documents to the Tax Authority via Fax in 2019 because our accountant warned us that “They don’t actually read their emails.” So Yeah, this was a big deal. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to make sense of this Tragedy.

“We’ve lost everything.” lamented a Knesset Information Technician named Boaz. “We rely on these faxes for everything.” Boaz continued as he surveyed a room full of broken ink cartridges and spools of unfurled fax paper. “This is how Mr. Netanyahu finds out what kind of mood Sara is in before his Security Team escorts him home. This is how Mr. Deri’s Parole Officer would arrange their next appointment.  This is how Ms. Zandberg used to order her …uhhh…cookie ingredients.“

The Daily Freier asked Boaz if there was any workaround to prevent a paralysis of government at this crucial moment in Israeli history. Boaz leaned in closely and lowered his voice. “This hasn’t been released to the public.” Boaz intoned solemnly. “But right now we are sending out vital messages via Moshe Gafni’s Kosher phone, Noa Kirel’s Instagram, and Yair Netanyahu’s Twitter feed.“

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Boaz was desperately trying to hook up a computer to a monitor and stopped to ask us if we had a Boot Disc for Windows 95.

 

Israeli Politics, Start Up Nation

Tel Aviv Pub hires Smotrich to Write their English Menu
“The Elephant is in the Room!”

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/19/2023 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Start-Up Nation has done it again! Basking in the amazing success of his Speech at the Israel Bonds Conference in Washington, Israeli Politician Bezalel Smotrich is now in high demand as a translator of Tel Aviv menus. But one lucky Pub on Dizengoff Boulevard drew first honors. You know the Pub. It’s the one with the really long benches outside and the hot but indifferent wait staff. Not that one. The other one.

You see, Israeli restaurants have to endure the VERY UNFAIR stereotype that their English menus were written with a combination of Google Translate, Indian Tech Support, and reruns of “Friends”. Anyhoo, The Daily Freier spoke to Alon, one of the Pub’s 12 owners about this new business model.

“This menu will be the best for tourists who want to sit on a beer, no?” enthused Alon. “Maybe they can order a plate of laziness.”

“Do you mean lasagna?” inquired The Daily Freier. But Alon looked at us like we were high.

Finally, The Daily Freier contacted Mr. Smotrich himself about this exciting new business opportunity.

“Thanks for you face in me. My land Grandmeizer would be so proud.” stated Mr. Smotrich. “There is a sorting way that these Menus must be wrote. The Elephant is in the Room!“

As the Daily Freier went to print, we learned that Prime Minister Netanyahu has hired former President George W. Bush as an English Language tutor for Smotrich.

 

Binyamin Netanyahu, Israeli Politics

Daily Freier retracts Satire about Bibi using NASA Images to troll Lapid & Gantz after Bibi uses NASA Images to troll Lapid & Gantz

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/23/2022 at 09:30 PM

Tel Aviv: The world of Anglo-infused Israeli satire is in shambles today after Authorities ordered The Daily Freier to retract a recent story or face stiff financial penalties. Earlier this week the Daily Freier published a humorous story in which Abu Yair Former Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu trolled his political opponents by invoking photos of Outer Space taken by The USA’s National Aeronautics and Space Administration. It was a story in which Bibi compared Pluto’s planet/non-planet status to the Blue and White Party’s shaky power-sharing agreement between Benny Gantz and Yair Lapid. A simple, cute story with a funny punchline involving Naftali Bennet’s kippah.

Little did we know that Mr. Netanyahu would in fact temporarily become a “Twitter Reply Guy”, taking a seemingly innocent NASA tweet about Jupiter as an opportunity to mock Gantz and Lapid. With our satirical story no longer clearly satirical, officials from Israel’s Bureau of Journalistic Standards arrived this morning at the Daily Freier’s office in Dizengoff Center with a Court Order.

“This is a disaster.” lamented Daily Freier writer Aaron Pomerantz. “Something like this has never happened to us. I mean, not since 2016.“

Reactions to Netanyahu’s Tweet in the community were immediate. “This is unprecedented!” noted Tel Aviv web developer Doron R. “Bibi’s Trolling is such absolute Bullshit…it’s…. it’s Majestic!”

“This is next-level trolling.” remarked Ramat Gan pensioner Danny T. “Possibly better than Trump’s recent endorsement of AOC.”

In order to avoid this sort of thing happening in the future, the Daily Freier vowed to henceforth only write clearly fake news, such as stories about a German guy and his Israeli husband going on Secret Tel Aviv to get their prudish, legally blind, anti-social dog laid.

Elections 2022, Israeli Politics

Crisis: 35% of Israelis have never formed a Political Party with Ayelet Shaked

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/6/2022 at 09:50 AM

Jerusalem:  Late Thursday afternoon, Israel’s Knesset TV station released shocking news. According to published reports and confirmed sources, as many as 35% of Israeli citizens have never been in some sort of political coalition with MK Ayelet Shaked. The Daily Freier set out to discuss this breaking development with real people from across Israeli society, so this isn’t going to be like the times we just interviewed our Juice Guy or our Vaad Bayit.

Yet before this story goes any further, we must stress that we are huge fans of Ms. Shaked. This is because she consistently provides the Daily Freier with amazing fresh material. For example:

1) In order to mock the Israeli Left, she once made a fake commercial for a perfume called “Fascism”. Really.

2) Before the 2019 elections, she made an 80’s-style conceptual music video that can only be described as the weirdest thing that we have ever seen in Israel… and we hang out at the Kerem House. It was a breakup song. Except it’s about the IDF and the Supreme Court. And the Supreme Court is a lawyer with more than a passing resemblance to Ms. Shaked. And the Army is a dude in uniform with a Tel Aviv beard.  (Bonus Points: Naftali Bennett performed a spoken-word rap on the video. We wish we were lying to you.)

3)  She helped us create one of our favorite memes.

So once again, the Daily Freier set out to speak to Real Israelis about their feelings about Ayelet Shaked not yet joining them in a Coalition.

“Hmmm.… are you sure I have never been in a Coalition with Ayelet?” inquired Rehovot resident Dorit S. as she walked through her Shufersal looking for Watermelon and Arak. “I’m quite sure that I met her at my cousin’s Tzimmer up North last summer and signed some papers. Wait, that was my building’s Pinui Binui papers. Never mind.“

The Daily Freier then spoke with Danny C. as he waited for his order of chicken and fries at the Ashdod KFC. “I don’t know why Ms. Shaked has not reached out. I spoke with my friend Yair from Miluim. He says she offered him one of the less important Ministry positions if he signed on with her.“

Finally, we spoke to Stav as she purchased her train tickets at the Hadera station. “I joined her Coalition last year, but we got in an argument over Monetary Policy and I quit. At least that’s how I remember the story. We were at MidBurn.“

The Daily Freier hereby announces that it will enter a Coalition with Ms. Shaked in exchange for a free parking spot in that Municipal Lot near HaBima, some Tubi, and tickets to Lola Marsh.

Israeli Politics, The IDF

Lone Soldier Political Party will join Coalition for an iPhone charger, 2 spliffs, and some Bamba

(photo credit: The Leeor Institute for Lone Soldier Research)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/20/2021 at 4:30 PM

The Lone Soldier Center, Tel Aviv: With news that our idealistic and naive Prime Minister was outmaneuvered by Yair Lapid offering Mansour Abbas some sweet political freebies to join his coalition, a new Political Party has signaled that it too is ready to be bought off. The Recently formed Chayal Boded (“Lone Soldier”) Party has signaled that it will swing its electoral strength behind the right coalition… for a price. The Daily Freier joined a hastily convened Press Conference in the Lone Soldier Center Dining Hall just as they finished serving that tasty Chinese chicken with the sticky rice.

“Our demands are simple.” explained Party Spokesperson Doron S. “We need an iPhone charger. A couple of spliffs. Some tuna fish. A big bag of Bamba. Also maybe a bottle of Tubi this weekend after we get back from the South.” Doron whispered hastily with a cluster of advisors behind the microphone and then continued. “Don’t worry about the tuna fish, Josh is doing Miluim this weekend so when he gets back we should be good to go in terms of groceries for at least 2 weeks.”

“Before we join any Coalition…” Doron admonished  “The Lone Soldier Party has some serious questions that need answers. Like the Knesset Dining Hall… MK’s eat for free, right? Also, will this give us some sort of discount on our Arnona?”

The Daily Freier stood up to challenge Doron on his Party’s short-sighted platform, but the Lone Soldier Center manager announced that she had an extra toaster oven that she was giving away and we got knocked to the ground in the subsequent chaos.

Israeli Politics, Start Up Nation

We built our own Israeli Political Party using a Bot Farm!

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons, sort of)

By Mark Levy & Daniel Rosehill

Last Updated 2/10/2021 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv: While all of you losers were complaining about our 5th or 6th election in 18 months or whatever, the Daily Freier did something about it. That’s right, thanks to some helpful friends in Estonia who we met playing Minecraft, we have our own Bot Farm. Not only that, but using Artificial Intelligence, we created our own Political Party! In fact, our very own Science & Technology columnist Mark Levy is the brains behind this ambitious project. Hopefully, this will work out better than the last time we built a Bot.

Our party’s manifesto is to replace the entire government sector in Israel with the world’s first sovereign AI algorithm consisting of a Bot Farm managed from our underground data center near Eilat. The AI algorithm, which we call  “HaMedina” (the State), is programmed to replicate as realistically as possible the level of service provided by your average Israeli government office.


“The algorithm takes virtual coffee and smoke breaks once an hour.” explained Mark. “It works between 10:00 and 15:00 Mondays to Wednesdays and 09:00 to 11:00 on Thursdays but only during years with an even number…. in the Hebrew calendar.”

The algorithm’s default response subroutine is “no, that’s not possible” and it has even been imbued with the ability to create red tape and bureaucracy out of thin air. “There’s going to be a special ishur needed to apply to interact with the bot.” Mark continued. “And there’s going to be another ishur (permit) needed to apply for it.”


The party itself, he said, will consist of 5 virtual MK’s. Each would be an algorithm with a unique personality that would appear in plenum through a unique hologram technology that would be capable of generating a unique “face” for each member of Knesset.

“We’ve also managed to impart certain cultural characteristics into each virtual MK,” he said. The MK bots for instance are able to periodically interrupt one another while speaking and also heckle members of the opposition.


Levy believes that our ambitious project — a world first — is entirely without precedent. “We’re planning to upend the entire state bureaucracy.” he admitted. Levy projects that the ambitious project could end up saving the taxpayer tens of millions of shekels.

“High tech is the strong suit of Israel’s economy and we have good reason to believe that our algorithm and virtual MKs will do a better job than what we have now.” The only costs associated he said would be maintaining the data center and paying a small team of algorithm engineers to program the MKs (and bureaucracy) with new interests. But we’re probably going to ask MASA for some free interns so that should cut down on overhead.

“We’re even working on a fully drone operated delivery service called ‘Leiat Leiat Yisrael’ that we expect could fully emulate the level of service provided by the Israel Post Office.” Mark noted. The tentative delivery service would periodically dump packages into the Dead Sea, thereby losing them, and circle the country for months before arriving at their destination.

Also, none of the Bots ever made money on a deal involving submarines.

Israeli Politics

Top ten reasons the Porcupine walked into Knesset bathroom

The world is in crisis: riots in the streets of America and Europe, escalation in Syria, a potential diplomatic crisis concerning the Annexation Bill. So it’s at times like these that we can truly count on the Jerusalem Post to deliver the hard-hitting news, like….ummm….. a porcupine that walked into the Knesset bathroom. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier followed up on this story and went places that the Jerusalem Post was too scared or not bored enough to go. That’s right, we talked to the porcupine (which wasn’t easy because unlike us, it completed Ulpan Kita Gimel). So behold: the Top Ten Reasons why the porcupine was in the Knesset public restroom.

1. I saw Amir Peretz without his mustache and got scared.

2. In here, nobody can ask me to join their stupid Zoom meeting.

3.  Sara Netanyahu is starting to yell at The Help and this looked like a good place to hide.

4.  I wanted to use the bathroom on the second floor but Ayman Odeh said that it was “Occupied”.

5. Tamar Zandberg gave me something called a “space cookie”. Now the walls are talking & I’m seeing double.

6. Go ahead and tell me a more interesting thing to do in Jerusalem.

7. Apparently, I’m also a Minister in Bibi’s cabinet now.

8. Was just trying to find where Ice Cube kept his amazing theories.

9. Bezalel Smotrich told me to meet him here and not to tell anybody.

10. Benny Gantz was giving a speech on the Knesset Floor and I kept falling asleep.