(photo credit: The Leeor Institute for Lone Soldier Research)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 4/20/2021 at 4:30 PM
The Lone Soldier Center, Tel Aviv: With news that our idealistic and naive Prime Minister was outmaneuvered by Yair Lapid offering Mansour Abbas some sweet political freebies to join his coalition, a new Political Party has signaled that it too is ready to be bought off. The Recently formed Chayal Boded (“Lone Soldier”) Party has signaled that it will swing its electoral strength behind the right coalition… for a price. The Daily Freier joined a hastily convened Press Conference in the Lone Soldier Center Dining Hall just as they finished serving that tasty Chinese chicken with the sticky rice.
“Our demands are simple.” explained Party Spokesperson Doron S. “We need an iPhone charger. A couple of spliffs. Some tuna fish. A big bag of Bamba. Also maybe a bottle of Tubi this weekend after we get back from the South.” Doron whispered hastily with a cluster of advisors behind the microphone and then continued. “Don’t worry about the tuna fish, Josh is doing Miluim this weekend so when he gets back we should be good to go in terms of groceries for at least 2 weeks.”
“Before we join any Coalition…” Doron admonished “The Lone Soldier Party has some serious questions that need answers. Like the Knesset Dining Hall… MK’s eat for free, right? Also, will this give us some sort of discount on our Arnona?”
The Daily Freier stood up to challenge Doron on his Party’s short-sighted platform, but the Lone Soldier Center manager announced that she had an extra toaster oven that she was giving away and we got knocked to the ground in the subsequent chaos.
By Mark Levy & Daniel Rosehill
Last Updated 2/10/2021 at 6:30 PM
Tel Aviv: While all of you losers were complaining about our 5th or 6th election in 18 months or whatever, the Daily Freier did something about it. That’s right, thanks to some helpful friends in Estonia who we met playing Minecraft, we have our own Bot Farm. Not only that, but using Artificial Intelligence, we created our own Political Party! In fact, our very own Science & Technology columnist Mark Levy is the brains behind this ambitious project. Hopefully, this will work out better than the last time we built a Bot.
Our party’s manifesto is to replace the entire government sector in Israel with the world’s first sovereign AI algorithm consisting of a Bot Farm managed from our underground data center near Eilat. The AI algorithm, which we call “HaMedina” (the State), is programmed to replicate as realistically as possible the level of service provided by your average Israeli government office.
“The algorithm takes virtual coffee and smoke breaks once an hour.” explained Mark. “It works between 10:00 and 15:00 Mondays to Wednesdays and 09:00 to 11:00 on Thursdays but only during years with an even number…. in the Hebrew calendar.”
The algorithm’s default response subroutine is “no, that’s not possible” and it has even been imbued with the ability to create red tape and bureaucracy out of thin air. “There’s going to be a special ishur needed to apply to interact with the bot.” Mark continued. “And there’s going to be another ishur (permit) needed to apply for it.”
The party itself, he said, will consist of 5 virtual MK’s. Each would be an algorithm with a unique personality that would appear in plenum through a unique hologram technology that would be capable of generating a unique “face” for each member of Knesset.
“We’ve also managed to impart certain cultural characteristics into each virtual MK,” he said. The MK bots for instance are able to periodically interrupt one another while speaking and also heckle members of the opposition.
Levy believes that our ambitious project — a world first — is entirely without precedent. “We’re planning to upend the entire state bureaucracy.” he admitted. Levy projects that the ambitious project could end up saving the taxpayer tens of millions of shekels.
“High tech is the strong suit of Israel’s economy and we have good reason to believe that our algorithm and virtual MKs will do a better job than what we have now.” The only costs associated he said would be maintaining the data center and paying a small team of algorithm engineers to program the MKs (and bureaucracy) with new interests. But we’re probably going to ask MASA for some free interns so that should cut down on overhead.
“We’re even working on a fully drone operated delivery service called ‘Leiat Leiat Yisrael’ that we expect could fully emulate the level of service provided by the Israel Post Office.” Mark noted. The tentative delivery service would periodically dump packages into the Dead Sea, thereby losing them, and circle the country for months before arriving at their destination.
Also, none of the Bots ever made money on a deal involving submarines.
The world is in crisis: riots in the streets of America and Europe, escalation in Syria, a potential diplomatic crisis concerning the Annexation Bill. So it’s at times like these that we can truly count on the Jerusalem Post to deliver the hard-hitting news, like….ummm….. a porcupine that walked into the Knesset bathroom. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier followed up on this story and went places that the Jerusalem Post was too scared or not bored enough to go. That’s right, we talked to the porcupine (which wasn’t easy because unlike us, it completed Ulpan Kita Gimel). So behold: the Top Ten Reasons why the porcupine was in the Knesset public restroom.
1. I saw Amir Peretz without his mustache and got scared.
2. In here, nobody can ask me to join their stupid Zoom meeting.
3. Sara Netanyahu is starting to yell at The Help and this looked like a good place to hide.
4. I wanted to use the bathroom on the second floor but Ayman Odeh said that it was “Occupied”.
5. Tamar Zandberg gave me something called a “space cookie”. Now the walls are talking & I’m seeing double.
6. Go ahead and tell me a more interesting thing to do in Jerusalem.
7. Apparently, I’m also a Minister in Bibi’s cabinet now.
8. Was just trying to find where Ice Cube kept his amazing theories.
Bezalel Smotrich told me to meet him here and not to tell anybody.
10. Benny Gantz was giving a speech on the Knesset Floor and I kept falling asleep.
(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 2/4/2020 at 1:30 PM
Des Moines International Airport, Iowa: In the aftermath of yesterday’s disastrous Democratic Party Caucus in the State of Iowa, Israel immediately dispatched a C-130 Hercules filled with emergency vote-counting supplies and experts on how to efficiently hold an election. Long known for sending rescue teams to Haiti and other locations stricken by natural disasters, the Israeli Government also maintains a cell of experts on how to hold an election, how to ensure that nobody can form a viable coalition, how to waste a day of national productivity, and Avigdor Liberman. The Daily Freier caught up with the elite team as they unloaded their equipment on the tarmac of Des Moines International Airport.
“We don’t have a moment to spare.” explained Team Leader Yossi H. “They need to begin preparing Right Now for their 3rd or 4th Election some time this Summer.” Yossi quickly gathered his team for a Mission Brief, and we saw the various specialists report in, to include experts from United Torah Judaism on how to trade Draft Exemptions and Stipends for votes, and a team from Kahol Lavan carrying a giant vacuum designed to suck all the charisma out of a room. In addition, a procurement team from the Prime Minister’s Office was immediately dispatched to the rich part of town to solicit free gifts.
The Daily Freier asked Yossi exactly what was required of Iowa in order to reach an Israeli-level of Elections Excellence. “Well, the leader of the United States is under a legal cloud and the opposition is trying to remove him from office before the next election…. so you’re actually off to a good start. But perhaps the reason I am most optimistic is that you also have a cranky Jew who wants to run America like a Kibbutz.”
Last Updated 12/11/2019 at 6:45 PM
Jerusalem:The stalemate in Israeli politics is broken and a new coalition has won the backing of the public. Netta Barzilai will join the Blue White and Pink party, thus saving Israeli voters from a third election and saving the sanity of President Rivlin. The shocking move will see the Eurovision winner as Defense Minister. Plus, Bar Refaeli will serve Finance Minister.
As a confused Bibi looked nostalgically at a pair of furry handcuffs, Sarah began to bake cakes with metal files inside. While the ultra-religious parties, Shas and UTJ, sensing their time was up, raided yeshivas, burning a surprising amount of Wizard of Oz DVDs. The Joint List said: “We will not cooperate with this Coalition. We are not your toy. Wait, can we rephrase that?”
An excited Netta noted “I have a manifesto to unite people and make them forget about scandalous corruption, the insane cost of living, and an utterly senseless conflict. Oh, and ridiculous fashion and cheesy music for Everyone!”
Omer Adam, call your agent
By Josh Warhit
Last Updated 11/26/2019 at 2:00 PM
Jerusalem: Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu spent the day reaching out to leaders in the Ethiopian and Bedouin Communities, urging them to join him in a demonstration against the Israeli Police.
When asked by community leaders why he chose now to reach out for a joint protest, Mr. Netanyahu discussed what he considers to be a natural and obvious connection between himself and Minority Communities. “For years, the establishment has been biased against me, determined to keep me down and oppressed. My advisors tell me that you and your children feel similarly, perhaps even as much as I do.”
This past summer, Israelis of Ethiopian descent protested against police brutality following the killing of 18-year-old Solomon Teka by an off-duty officer, an incident seen by many as emblematic of systemic racism.
“As you know, they’ve been out for me since the beginning. I’ve heard you feel the same way.” Israel’s leader told the group of head-shaking activists. “The system is biased against people like us. We need to stick together.”
Unsurprisingly, some thought the timing of this initiative was a bit…. convenient. Late last week, Prime Minister Netanyahu was formally indicted on charges of bribery, fraud, and breach of trust. In recent years, Bibi has been accused of requesting and receiving gifts in return for favors.
“This protest will be about standing up together in the face of discrimination.” the Prime Minister explained to media after the event. “Ethiopian Israelis should not fear drinking champagne or enjoying the occasional cigar, nor should I. Interrogate the interrogators.”
A spokesperson for the Prime Minister’s office said that Netanyahu’s outreach has actually been part of his Likud platform for quite some time. “Prime Minister Netanyahu has wanted to initiate this demonstration for years, but obstacles have presented themselves time and time again. The Attorney General’s current witch hunt against him simply demonstrates his foresight.”
Supporters of the Prime Minister’s Legal Defense Fund are urged to bring their Deposit Bottles to the nearest Likud Office.
WHO: You people
WHAT: Meet-Up at the Kerem House
WHEN: Wednesday 23 October, 8:30 PM
WHERE: Gedera 18, Tel Aviv
This is your chance to interact with one another. We’re going to make fun of our upcoming 3rd Election (you KNOW it’s going to happen) and have some drinks on a rooftop and you will all share your personal issues which the Daily Freier will spin into future stories. Your previous plans for Wednesday just seem silly now, don’t they?
Also, it’s going to be at Kerem House, and we lampooned them last week.
(photo credit: Zehut Party)
By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 9/19/2019 at 4:20 PM
Tel Aviv: With the result’s from Tuesday’s elections in, there were some real suprises. Likud under-performed, Lieberman got a lot of votes, and the Arab Joint List Party performed better than expected. Yet while some people attribute Joint List’s performance as a negative reaction to
Abu Yair Bibi, the Daily Freier has found the real reason: a large bloc of former Zehut voters accidentally voted Joint List.
You see, Moshe Feiglin’s Zehut Party was a real… party. Kinda hardcore on the National Security side, kinda Libertarian on the domestic side: right to bear arms, and lots and lots of weed. Last year, Zehut did an amazing job of stealing the Stoner vote from Meretz. Later, Feiglin joined Netanyahu’s Coalition
in exchange for 3 grams of Kush, rolling papers, some krembo, and an apple. Yet somehow the whole thing turned into a Balagan, as the Daily Freier learned when we went to vote and discovered the confusion of the former Zehut voters. In Tel Aviv, there are A LOT of these guys. Trust us.
“Hey, I just voted for the new Zehut Party.” exclaimed a guy named Udi who we recognized from Midburn. “Their name is the best: ‘Joint List!’ ….That’s almost as good as ‘Spliff List’, right?”
“More votes means cheaper weed!” cackled Danny from the coffee shop. “Also, Mamash love the new name!”
After meeting four more of our confused Zehut friends at the polling station, the Daily Freier finally broke the news: that ‘Joint List’ is a party consisting of Communists, Islamists, and Arab Nationalists…. and we became a giant buzzkill. The reactions were immediate:
“Nobody told us.”
“We thought that maybe Feiglin and the guy with the Mohawk wanted to get a better domain name for their website.”
“Maybe that’s why we didn’t get enough votes last time.”
UPDATE: The Times of Israel reports that Joint List would have received 15 seats, but half of Zehut’s voters think that the Election is tomorrow.
Last Updated 9/2/2019 at 10:50 PM
Sderot: In a move that is shaking the Israeli political establishment to its core, Amir Peretz’s mustache just joined the Kahol Lavan political party. Longtime Labor politician Amir Peretz shaved his mustache last week, thus ending one of the greatest symbiotic relationships between a mustache and its host body since Hall & Oates. And now his mustache is lashing out at his former partner and joining a rival political party. The Daily Freier rushed to Sderot to talk to Mr. Peretz’s mustache.
The Daily Freier met the mustache in a local eatery, as the mustache ate hummus, being careful not to get any in his mustache. “I never saw this coming.” complained the mustache. “We had so many good years together, and for him to just end things like this….. it feels like a betrayal.”
The Daily Freier asked Mr. Peretz’s mustache exactly when he became a self-aware entity. “I’ve always been kind of independent. But it was on the Golan in 2007 when I realized that his eyes and his brain might not be pulling their own weight and that I might need to step in to help. But I always stayed loyal, you know?”
The Daily Freier challenged Mr. Peretz’s mustache on his move to Kahol Lavan, noting that it appeared to be nothing more than petty score-settling, and his mustache exploded in anger. “Everything he accomplished was with me!!! Do you think he would have made it without me?! Do you think he would have made it out of this crappy town?!” The mustache looked around sheepishly at his fellow residents of Sderot in the hummus shop. “No offense.”
Mr. Peretz’s mustache continued. “Doesn’t he even read the Bible? He’s going to lose all of his strength, like Samson! I’m serious…. I know his new hairdresser made him do this. She hates me.”
The Daily Freier asked Mr. Peretz if he had any future plans. “This is all so new. I haven’t been on my own in 30 years. Maybe I can move to Tel Aviv and grow into a hipster beard.”
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Mr. Peretz’s mustache told us that if Amir asks about him, it’s not too late for a reconciliation. “He can call me.”