Tag: Welcome to Israel

Tel Aviv women compare the city’s bus lines to their ex-boyfriends

Tel Aviv women buses guys Daily FreierBy Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/21/2017 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Recently a group of Tel Aviv women made a dramatic discovery: the city’s various bus routes bore far more than a passing resemblance to their experiences with Tel Aviv men…. past, present, and future. Some are fast. Some are slow. Some are reliable. Some will take you places you’ve never been. Some never show up. The Daily Freier stopped in for a nice girl chat and some serious dishing over drinks.

Aurelia started off. “Some buses are amazing but fickle.” she explained. “The Number 13? Promises to take you from Allenby to Tel Aviv University in less than twenty minutes? Yeah, he’s the best…. when he shows up. He’s the hot guy you really like who one day totally up and left for Europe without telling you. But he’s totally passionate and you really did feel a connection. So, yeah.  If you catch him while he’s in town he’s totally down for a booty call.

But not all the buses are that exciting or frustrating.  Rachel explained  “So then there’s the 25 Route. Reliable. Takes it slow… On time…. Lame. He’s the Beta that you friend-zoned. I mean I guess you could take him home. But he’s boring a-f.

Of course some buses are reliable AND exciting. Aurelia broke it down for us. “The 289? Adventurous. It goes north AND south. He goes EVERYWHERE. I mean the 289 is just an all around catch… like you’ll probably go traveling together and shit.

Rachel thought for a moment. “Remember that guy you kinda liked but not liked-liked? He’s the 125. You know, the one you didn’t mean to go so far with, but ended up all the way down…. South.” Rachel quickly clarified her statement. “I meant like Yafo.

Then there are the…. unorthodox routes. Arielle explained. “The 66? He’s the guy everyone’s been with. Kinda skanky. Lives with his parents in Ramat Gan. Not bad….but not good either.

When asked if Sheruts factor into the equation, Arielle was quick to note the 4א Route. “Remember him? You met him like ONCE at a party two years ago. Seemed cool. Then he ghosted you. Never. Saw him. Again.

 

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Pride gone. Now Let’s Get Real

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/5/2017 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Sheinkin: I am sure my dad would be surprised at dating today – he met my mum at a Valentine’s Day disco in Liverpool – asked if she wanted crisps. She did. They were married for 40 years. Maybe it was Bamba.

Today, have we gone completely nuts? The gay world, literally. If a shared love of crisps belongs to a bygone era, at least let technology be accurate. As a sexual navigation app, it fails. Often.

Here’s Juan Carlos, he is from Chihuahua, Mexico. Oh. Does the Number 63 Bus go there? Can I use my RavKav? Waze says no. Once, someone in Cairo messaged me because his GPS said I was around the corner. Maybe we were once ‘one’ in Canaan. But in 2017? Not so much.

As the technological retreat gathers pace, they are now setting up special wards at Ichilov Hospital for people getting carpal tunnel syndrome from swiping through Atraf at 20 profiles per minute. I should know…. I was just in outpatients. Swipe, scroll, drool, click, next. I could not help marvelling at the talking nipples, zooming in on their bathroom mirror to see if they have used Windolene (you can tell a lot about places and people from their bathrooms, they say). And then, the Sears catalogue of the obligatory selfie at the gym – the new photo booth of the 21st century. I tried. Called someone over to help me lift the 50kg bar bell…….. aaaaand that’s why I was really at Ichilov.

Host?” has become the new hello; the winky emoticon as close to a technological marriage as possible. I am rather partial of the little embarrassed one with deformed jazz hands. Spellings go out the window. ‘Have u got plans?’ Yes: You, Me, Shopping, Oxford English Dictionary. If you know how to use a comma, marry me. Just tell me what crisps you want at the wedding.

I am still a little old-fashioned.

Guy that saw you get stung by jellyfish really really wants to pee on you now

Jellyfish Daily Freier(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/2/2017 at 2:15 PM

Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: Ouch that really stings! OMG this really really hurts! Jellyfish I hate you! I really really hate you! But wait, there’s a guy waving at you from the shore and it looks like he wants to help you. Only in Israel!

So he’s looking at the sting on your arm. This really really hurts! But he said he can make the pain away. By peeing on the sting. Wait what? And what is it about this City and Pee?

But you’ve heard about this before. I mean, it sounds familiar. Just happy that he was able to respond so quickly to help you. Like, really really quickly. But what’s with the binoculars around his neck? Almost like he was scanning the beach. And why does he need TWO water bottles? I mean, we all need to stay hydrated. But he seems, like, really really hydrated.

So he’s telling you that he needs to pee on the wound. Right. Now….. But wait. The lifeguard is coming over to you. And this Good Samaritan Dude is not happy about this at all. So the lifeguard just sprayed some vinegar on your arm. Wow that feels really good! But Mister Pee just stormed off in a huff.

Wait. Now he’s scanning the ocean with his binoculars. OMG somebody in the water just screamed that they got stung. And now he’s running into the surf and waving at her.

Welcome to Israel.

Tel Aviv man with filthy car now pretending he just got back from Midburn

Guy with filthy car now pretending he just got back from MidburnBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/6/2017 at 7:15 PM

Tel Aviv, Maze: So the guy down the street with the filthy car has now come up with an ingenious plan that does not involve actually cleaning his car: subtly letting people think that he just got back from Midburn down in the Negev. Midburn, the Israeli version of Burning Man, ended last Friday. And Midburners are pretty excited about…. TELLING YOU THAT THEY WENT TO MIDBURN.  So everyone who was there is currently telling their friends, relatives, lovers, ex-lovers, supermarket cashiers, cab drivers, former roommates…. basically they are telling EVERYBODY that they just got back from Midburn. And one of the coolest ways to tell people you went to Midburn without actually telling them is to drive around town in your dust-covered vehicle, fresh from the desert.

So the guy down the street? You knew something was up when he started walking to and from his car carrying an umbrella, hula hoops, and light sticks. Also he is suddenly wearing cowboy chaps and a hat made of feathers. And what’s up with the sun goggles? It’s all rather Mad Max Thunderdome. Yet it appears to be working, as he is currently leaning against his car and chatting up two lovely Dutch tourists who seem to be totally buying this סיפור משוגע.

This is crap. It’s like he is just making up sentences using random words like “facepainting, dreadlocks, swing-set, amazing DJ from Luxembourg, sunrise, shaman, hydrating, sense of community, moccasins, and unicycle.” And once again, the biggest insult is that it appears to be working. Not only are the beautiful Dutch guests impressed, but a hand-painted VW van just drove by, honked, and gave him the thumbs up.

Well played, fake Midburner. Well played.

(DISCLAIMER: We just found this car while walking around and made it part of our story. If this is your car, we meant no harm. And for 50 Shekels plus a beer, we will wash it for you.)

 

 

Tel Aviv woman intrigued by all the hot, polite guys in town this week

 

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 6/4/2017 at 5:15 PM

Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: OMG did you see that guy? I mean even though he isn’t wearing much clothes, what he IS wearing actually matches and wasn’t found on a Tel Aviv park bench. And he’s in A-MA-ZING shape too! Then again,  so are a lot of guys here.

But wait, you’ve sat next to him now for 15 minutes and he’s being so NICE to you. And not a “let me buy you chasers and try to bang you” nice but actually, like, NICE. Come to think of it, it’s been almost a half hour now and he hasn’t even made a move on you. What a breath of fresh air! Normally, a Tel Aviv guy would have already tried to go up your shirt and/or invite you to his cousin’s wedding in Holon next week.

Wait, they’re playing great music now and he wants to dance! OMG pinch me! Not really a Cher fan, but this song is pretty good! And this guy has some amazing moves. Really feeling the vibe between you two right now. OMG do you think he’s going to try to kiss me on the dance floor? I mean, like, as soon as he finishes dancing by himself in the corner.

OK so he didn’t try anything on the dance floor. But that’s totally cool. Again, it’s nice to be with a guy who takes it slow. Wait, his friends from out-of-town just showed up at the bar. And they are all really cute! And not afraid to take risks with fashion! I mean, I don’t think his Canadian friend Steve is even wearing pants. Also, it seems these guys have been friends for a long time. Because they are acting really…. close. But that’s great. Just feeling really relaxed and safe with these guys.

So now the club’s lights are on and everyone is going home. Wonder when he’s going to pull a move on me. Wait, where is he? And where is his friend Danny? I just saw them, where did they go? Maybe he forgot his hat. OK, I will just wait for him outside.

So it’s been three hours now. What the hell?

The Ashkenazim purchase legal rights to Mimouna; promise blander food & less noise complaints next year

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 5/28/2017 at 5:30 PM

Ramat Aviv: In a move described as “bold” and “daring“, the Ashkenazi Community purchased the rights to the Mimouna Holiday from the Mizrachi Community today. According to the one page flyer that they stuck in the little wooden box on the front of your seat in synagogue, the move has been planned since right after Passover, and was finalized to coincide with the arrival of Shavuot this week. Mimouna, the post-Passover Holiday celebrated by North African Jews, is known for its plentiful food and colorful costumes. And the Ashkenazim vow not to change anything. Except they’re going to make the food a bit blander and easier to digest. And the music is going to be toned down a bit. Especially after 10 PM. Also we’re going to need to make the music slower. And maybe add a fiddle. The Daily Freier stopped by Ashkenazi World Headquarters in Ramat Aviv to get the whole Megillah on this dramatic turn of events.

We’ve always admired Mimouna.” explained Ashkenazi World Spokeswoman Miriam G. “Those nice dresses the men and women wear. The sweets. The music. So when we found out that the rights to the holiday were now up for sale, we jumped at the opportunity!” The Daily Freier asked Miriam exactly how this once in a lifetime opportunity came about. “So the legal ownership of Mimouna became convoluted over time, but our lawyers were able to untangle the chain of custody and determine that the rights were currently being held by a hummus place in Ashkelon that also fixes cars sometimes. So we put out some feelers and found out they were willing to sell. Then we designed a compensation package with 50% up front and 5 years of scheduled 10% payments from an escrow account, and Boom! We had a deal!”

Miriam went on to explain that while the Ashkenazim intend to maintain the spirit of the holiday, there are going to be some changes. “We want a Mimouna that is just as authentic but maybe a bit less chaotic.”  When the Daily Freier challenged Miriam for details, she summed up the Ashkenazi plan thusly:  “Reduced chances of losing track of your shoes at some point during the evening but with greater opportunities for getting bored….. Also my husband’s heartburn has been acting up lately so we may need to get rid of that dry ground red pepper that they put in everything. And our neighbors get up early to drive to Jerusalem each morning, so we need to be finished by 10 PM, maximum 10:30.”

Not surprisingly, this move has led to a few hurt feelings. “This is outrageous!” complained an irate woman named Maygal whom we talked to in the Rehovot train station. “Soon you Ashkenazim are going to take everything we have and make it boring and stupid. How would you like it if we took your Leonard Cohen or Barbra Streisand or whatever and added electronic drums plus sound effects from a dance club and then ran it through the sound system of a 2003 Toyota Corolla with tinted windows?” When the Daily Freier replied that this actually sounded kinda cool, Maygal shoved us and stormed off.

In any event, at least there will still be some sort of dance that involves everybody wandering around in a circle.

Let’s play “The Donald’s Mid-East Bingo”!

The Donald's Middle East Bingo

By Ari Calvo

Last Updated 5/23/2017 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Heading abroad amidst a string of major gaffes, United States President Donald Trump has found an unexpected success: uniting Palestinians and Israelis. No, the world’s most powerful son-in-law Jared Kushner has not gotten the two sides to agree on anything at all, but The Trump Administration has united the two sides in a massive game of Middle East Bingo. And we have the cards to prove it.

When Trump makes a gaffe that insults either side, they mark the offense. (Israelis use a tiny kippah and Palestinians use the rusty keys that open their father’s brother’s cousin’s nephew’s ex-girlfriend’s former roommate’s former home. Or a filing cabinet.) Given Trump’s propensity for surprising the world with completely bizarre and unexpected comments, each side will be allowed Wild Card boxes. They can be anywhere on the card because, like our borders, we can’t all agree on where to put them.

Players can also choose not to play for their own nationality and instead choose to play merely by which side Trump will be first to offend the most. Each card has a range of severity, from gaffes that cause unanimous laughter (such as admitting how much he relates to the song ‘Golden Boy’) to scandal-inducing comments that lead to an absolute shutdown of the peace process entirely, with both sides slamming their doors shut with signs out front saying to come back after Trump’s been impeached. Seriously, they’ll even take Mike Pence.

Some of the offenses are the same for both groups. Pronouncing hummus with the American pronunciation “hum-us” is a high offense to both parties. There’s also a hummus specific wild card for any hummus-related atrocities, such as Trump confessing he loves Hummus Quinoa Cakes. Both sides also have the box for offending everyone by saying the Israelis had the right idea with their border wall and asked how Israel got the Palestinians to pay for it.

Options on the Palestinian card include using a mobile version of the red button to order a BLT while visiting Al Aqsa, referring to the West Bank as Judea and Samaria, calling Mahmoud Abbas “Bashar”, and referring to someone whose name he doesn’t know as Abu. Probably the most controversial, albeit not unexpected, options is the announcement that the US Embassy will be moved from Tel Aviv to East Jerusalem. However, everyone is most eager to get the chance to mark the box if someone convinces Trump that all speeches in the region are started with the terms of endearment, ‘sharmuta’ and ‘kusemek.’ Palestinians don’t get to have all the fun though as the Israelis have a similar box for if someone convinces Trump to greet a woman as ‘bat zona.’

For the Israelis, there’s the complete possibility Trump will visit Masada, look around at the ruins and declare that he “really prefers Jews who didn’t commit mass suicide.” Additionally, there’s a wholehearted expectation he’ll ask how Israel functions when everyone works in banks. “Your army must have very organized finances!” is expected to be met with the sound of an entire country in collective laughter. It also wouldn’t be surprising to hear him admit his visit to Masada was cancelled when he found out he couldn’t turn it into a hotel since he had planned to drop down the giant gold Trump sign from his helicopter while he was here. Another alarming possibility is the outcry he could cause by collecting the notes from the Kotel, insisting they are Hillary’s missing emails.

Each side is so engrossed in the competition that they have even taken to trying to sway the game in their favor. through the fine art of trolling. Religious Jews in Jerusalem have been hanging extra tallits out with the wash in hopes of getting Trump to admit he thinks Jews have sex through a hole in the sheet. If successful, they get to mark a sex-specific Wild Card box in case Trump finds a way to relate this to his own amazing abilities in the sack.

Across the Green Line, Palestinians have changed literally every restaurant’s name to “Aloha Snackbar” in order to trigger Trump’s tendency to talk about whatever is right in front of him and get him to say “Allahu Akbar“, just to see if Steve Bannon will totally lose his mind.

Competition is fierce as each side has decided they are likely better off by letting the victor set the parameters for a long-term peace solution than they would be with any negotiations involving the Trump Administration.

The Donald's Middle East Bingo The Donald's Middle East Bingo The Donald's Middle East Bingo