Tag: Welcome to Israel

Top Ten Worst Israel Tourism Ideas

With Corona moving into our collective rear-view mirror, there are some A-Ma-Zing ideas for exploring this beautiful country of ours! Lots to see, Lots to do, Lots to eat! We have heard of some amazing tours starting this Spring. Unfortunately, we have also heard some not-so-good ideas… and it is our journalistic duty to Spill the Tea. So without further ado, the Daily Freier presents the Ten Worst Tour Ideas for Israel!


1) Locusts & Honey: a culinary tour inspired by John the Baptist!

2) Grab your numbered pottery shards, it’s Bingo Night on Masada!

3) “Find your way out of Dizengoff Center” long weekend adventure

4) “Let’s walk up and down all the hills in Haifa!”

5) “Ecce Homo”: We show you the hottest Gay Night Life in Jerusalem’s Old City!

6) Danny the Digger rummages through your trash and posts it on Youtube.

7) Afula, Afula, Afula!

8) “Festival of the Senses”: A Scratch n’ Sniff Tour of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station

9) Drink beer in Machane Yehuda on a Thursday evening! Wait, Sorry. This is actually Peak Nightlife for Jerusalem. Never Mind.

10) Sarah Tuttle-Singer leads a historical walk through Neve Tzedek but gets really baked and spends the entire evening looking for Tacos instead.

 

 

 

 

Drama: Every Woman at your Purim Party coming as Frida Kahlo

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/16/2022 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: It’s party time in Tel Aviv! That’s right, Purim starts tonight and your rooftop party is going to be Off. The. Hook. You got the food, the drink, the ice, the music. Nothing can ruin what will no doubt be a night to remember!

Except for this one thing… You’ve been texting with your girlfriends all day and it seems that each and every one of them has come up with an amazingly unique idea for a costume: Frida Kahlo! This could be worse than Prom Night.

Let us explain: Every woman in Tel Aviv has at one time dressed up as Frida Kahlo or thought about dressing up as Frida Kahlo. There are no exceptions. Also, every single bar in Tel Aviv south of Allenby Street has at least one picture of Frida Kahlo on the wall. Again, no exceptions. This is Science.

You can’t really blame them because the Frida Kahlo costume has a lot going for it. First of all, it’s not difficult to procure. Simply get a nice vintage dress. Put your hair up. Some women might need to draw exaggerated eyebrows unless they’re Persian. Go to the Shuk and get some random flowers or fruits and just put them in your hair. And there you are, Frida Kahlo!

Plus, there is just something exciting about dressing up as an artist who was portrayed by Salma Hayek, had lots of Jewish friends, and may or may not have shtupped Trotsky. This costume is truly an all-around winner. Except now you are stuck with a slow-motion disaster movie that will be filmed on your roof. Knowing glances, dramatic exits, crying drunk texts. This could get bad.

You call your best friend for advice, but she’s busy waiting for her Mishloach Manot package from Telegrass. Hey, maybe some of your guy friends can help you out with this! Wait, never mind. Every single guy you know is busy procuring a tan blazer, black turtleneck, stubble, and black tortoise shell glasses in order to become the Tinder Swindler for Purim. You keep telling yourself that they’re doing this ironically.

 

 

 

Crisis: Dimona runs Heater & TV at same time, trips Circuit Breaker

(Photo Credit: Daily Freier Tourism)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 2/9/2022 at 11:30 AM

Dimona: A serious accident was narrowly averted today at the Dimona Reactor after night-shift personnel turned on the Television in the break room while the heater was running and tripped the circuit breaker. For those who are unfamiliar, this has been a particularly cold winter in Israel, with temperatures plunging low enough that people from actual cold place like Chicago or Canada continue to make fun of us.  Yet people who actually live in Israel lose their mind when the temperature drops below 50 degrees Fahrenheit (12 Hectares). In addition, Israel was in such a hurry to establish itself and build housing and workplaces for the in-gathering of Exiles that we forgot the minor detail of “insulation.” Then there’s the electricity thing. To the best of our knowledge, Israeli buildings had their electric outlets installed by ferrets suffering from ADHD. So the whole thing is a Balagan.

When the circuit breaker popped early this morning, the shift workers were in a panic until one of them noticed a magnet on the side of the reactor with the name of a good Installator/Electrician who showed up promptly and fixed the problem for a reasonable price (OK, we admit that this part of the story is absurd). Things were back to normal by the 8 AM Shift Change.

It’s a good thing there’s no nuclear weapons down there or this would have been a Real Crisis.

 

 

 

I think the IDF Dolphin on my Taglit bus is hitting on me

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 1/14/2022 at 8:30 AM

Somewhere in the Arava– So this Taglit trip has been A-Ma-Zing! I can’t believe they let us into the country finally! We’ve seen EVERYTHING! And our bus is so fun!

Also, the IDF guys on our bus are so down to earth and chill!  This one guy Danny is something called a “Lone Soldier“? He’s pretty cool, but is it weird that he eats all the food off our plates when we’re full? Or when we get up to go to the bathroom? Is that like an Israeli custom? Anyways, they’re all great. This other guy named Itzhik was in the Navy, and get this: He’s a dolphin! Can I say that? Is that racist?

Anyway, Itzhik is so cool! He just got back from Gaza and I guess he did some crazy stuff there. So it gets even crazier!  Every time we get back on the bus, Itzhik brings me a small present!  Yesterday he brought me a piece of string. Today he brought me a small mackerel!  Is this like an Israeli thing that I don’t know about? Is he flirting with me?

So tonight we’re going to stay at a Guest House on the edge of this giant crater in the Negev!  How cool is that? And guess who wants to show me a special spot where you can see all the stars!  Itzhik!  Wait, is this moving too fast?

OK, this is bullshit. As we were getting ready to leave the Ecological Desert Kibbutz, I ran into Jessica from Boston and she was talking about how tonight Itzhik promised to show her “a special spot where you can see all the stars.

I hate Israeli dolphins.

“This is the End!” Yeshiva Bochers react to Tax on Disposable Utensils

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/4/2021 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem, Neve Yaakov: I feel personally victimized…. by this government!  This obviously anti-religious bill attacks me personally!” lamented Yisroel M, a 20-year-old yeshiva student, describing his feelings about the new tax on disposable plasticware. “If the Yeshiva wanted us to do dishes, they should have put dishwashers in our dorm rooms, but all they gave us was a ‘negel vasser’ sink in the middle of the kitchenette.

When my sister Shevy in Sanhedriya heard the news she tore keriya.” Yisroel explained. “As a mom with seven small children, how does anyone expect her to wash dishes? Between her unlicensed gan that she runs out of her house and her cash-only sheitel washing business, she doesn’t have time. With this extra expense, she’s looking for another job….. a few of her neighbors approached her to join their shady MLM.

We wanted to speak with Shevy but Yisroel warned us not to. “She’s just going to pester you about when you’re going to America next and if you can bring her back some plastic plates in your luggage.” he admonished. “Our aunt just visited and half her suitcase was filled with American toilet paper! What’s wrong with Shevy? Can’t she just order it on Amazon like everyone else?

Yisroel offered us a cup of grainy instant coffee from his yeshiva lounge as we discussed his distrust of coercive government. “They tax stuff we really need …because they’re telling us what to do! I’m an independent thinker, nobody tells me what to do…. except for my Rosh Yeshiva.”

As we left, Yisroel noted that he was afraid the government would impose taxes on other things that he loved in order to try to make him buy less of them. “What if they taxed black pants that don’t reach my ankles? Or buying cholent Thursday night? Or imagine if they put a tax …. on our cigarettes!

Amazon free shipping: a New Year Miracle!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 9/8/2021 at 2:30 PM

Jerusalem: Geula is upon us! As the month of Elul continues, Israelis have miraculously united. Instead of the Internets being filled with Lashon Hara, Sinat Chinam and endless debates about vaccines, Israelis of all stripes have come together in the spirit of Ahavat Yisrael. That’s because they’re sharing Amazon links for free shipping on fluffy towels, kitchen gadgets, and jumbo sized boxes of those little Ziploc bags that you still can’t find in Israel.

This free Amazon shipping is like the Beis haMikdash.” explained Jerusalem Yeshiva Bochur Uri L. “Am Yisroel got it, but we didn’t deserve it, so it got taken away. We cried and repented and mercifully we got it again, but our Averios caused us to lose it again.” Uri grabbed a handful of sunflower seeds and continued. “Now, it’s like the 3rd temple has been given to us.”

Desperate for answers, the Daily Freier asked Uri for his theory on exactly how we managed to merit such miracles like free shipping. “It’s because we Sephardim were getting up for slichos.” Uri’s roommate Yaakov chimed in. “No, it’s because of kabbalistic reasons.” Nachman, Uri’s other roommate argued “You see, Elul has a special mazal.” Hearing their discussion from the hallway, their classmate Shneorr Zalman interjected by quoting a Maamar from the Rebbe. Frustrated at his friends, Uri cried out “No, all of you guys are wrong! We got this bracha because Am Yisroel is totally unified!”

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Uri asked us if we wanted to join him in a vitamin multi-level marketing balagan “after the Chagim.

Old School: Tel Aviv man doesn’t need Wolt job to be a Total Dick

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/22/2021 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Ibn Gavriol: Tel Aviv: Tel Aviv residents “in the know” are facing a dramatic new reality: You don’t need to work for Wolt to be a total dick.* The city has re-discovered a Tel Aviv icon named Dan who is proving once again that being a total dick is a state of mind that should not depend on working for a company where the drivers appear to be encouraged to run over pedestrians on the sidewalk, block bike lanes, and ignore crosswalks.

You see, the Daily Freier first met Dan G. in 2015 when he refused to give in to the Knife Intifada and instead kept going about his business of being a jerk. Next, we caught up with Dan in 2019 when he proved that with an e-scooter, one did not actually need a car to park like a dick. But now Dan is taking a stand once again, insisting that he does not need to work for Wolt to maintain his credential as a total zayin. The Daily Freier caught up with Dan to hear his side of the story.

“You see that?” Dan asked, motioning to a Wolt driver jumping a curb and almost hitting a woman before blocking the sidewalk with his bike and walking into a restaurant to grab an order. “That’s amateur hour. Call me when you double park your car, walk into a supermarket, then cut the line claiming you were there before and just left for a moment.”

The Daily Freier asked Dan if he felt that the proliferation of Wolt drivers doing mildly sociopathic things was diluting his own personal brand of being a dick. “That’s a good question.” Dan mused as he stood in the bike lane forcing cyclists onto the sidewalk. “The Covid epidemic and the rise of takeout food allowed a lot of these guys the opportunity to get paid while making life difficult for others. But what’s going to happen after Corona?” Dan thought for a moment as his unleashed dog chased another dog. “They’re going to learn that their blue insulated delivery bag was just a crutch.”

As the Daily Freier ended the interview, a Wolt deliveryman asked us to step off of the narrow sidewalk into the street so he could pass more easily. Dan stared at him for a moment in silent awe.

OK, now I’m impressed.


*But it helps.

“Meet your contact at the Koisel”: Mossad now recruiting Sem Girls

(*Inspired by a Tweet! )

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 7/1/2021 at 12:30 PM

Jerusalem: Exciting news is afoot at Israel’s Intelligence Agency, as the Mossad has begun recruiting its newest agents from Israel’s Seminaries. This story seemed too crazy to be real, but according to our local Mossad Agent/avid Daily Freier reader “Yuval”, it’s legit. We caught up with Yuval waiting on line at the Post Office and he filled us in on their new strategy.

We started out recruiting Yeshiva Bochers but it didn’t really work out.” Yuval explained. “The Frum guys couldn’t gather information because they literally didn’t know how to talk to women and were always staring at the ground….. and the Modern Orthodox guys quickly blew their cover bragging to all the Birthright girls how they were Secret Agents. So now we just recruit Sem girls.

Yuval introduced us to his newest recruits: Dassie, Shevy and Chavie. Our first question was whether their bulletproof black tights and pleated denim skirts were a uniform issued by the Mossad. “No!” Dassie laughed and explained that she was dressed totally differently from her co-agents. You see, she had bought her skirt at a shop “near the Tachana Merkazayis” while Shevy had bought hers “on Emek…..near fro-yo.” (Editor’s Note: We still don’t know what this means.)

These girls can be speaking Hebrew, but between their heavy American accents and that yeshivish Ashkenazi pronunciation, nobody understands them!” Yuval enthused. “They can have Top Secret conversations in broad daylight!”  Yuval then lowered his voice and asked us if we knew what the word “Koisel” meant. He’s heard the new recruits use it and is genuinely baffled.

Next, we then tested the girls’ powers of deduction by letting them look at our Facebook page for 2 minutes. Chavie pointed to a halfway-obstructed blurry group photo showing a young man standing behind a tree. “That guy’s from Teaneck, he was in Yeshiva with my cousin Yitzie. Give me a second and I’ll find his Shidduch resume and I’ll tell you how many generations back we’re related.

Finally, we asked these highly-trained girls if they had plans to continue in the Intel field after they finished seminary.

I dunno, kinda wanted to run a Gan out of my house after I get married.” replied Shevy.

I’ll probably take a course in OT/PT after I get married.” said Dassie.

Wait!” said Chavie. “Are you saying that I can still work for the Mossad after I get married and move back to Lakewood?

From now on we only write stories about the Jerusalem Sinkhole

(photo credit: Twitter)

So on Monday afternoon a giant sinkhole opened up in the parking lot of a Jerusalem Hospital, swallowing cars and generally behaving badly. Some people blamed it on the Shidduch Crisis. Others blamed it on the Jooz(really). But the Daily Freier went a step further, and will stop all other activity for the immediate future as we doggedly pursue multiple stories about this Enigma of a Sinkhole. So without further ado, here is a list of our upcoming Sinkhole Stories.


1. “I’m a Start-Up.” Jerusalem Sinkhole rebrands himself

2. Shas blames Sinkhole on Naftali Bennett

3. Outrage after Sinkhole goes on Secret Jerusalem and asks where he can get a bacon cheeseburger

4. “Have you wrapped Tefillin today?” Chabadnik stops by the Sinkhole

5. Bibi says he can’t leave office “until we fix the Sinkhole crisis

6. Rashida Tlaib claims that her grandmother used to live in the Sinkhole before the Naqba

7. Leaked audio reveals Sara Netanyahu screaming at the Sinkhole about her Masters Degree

8. Sinkhole’s wife wants to move to Ramat Bet Shemesh because their current kitchen is too small

9. “Was he secretly Messianic?” The Sinkhole’s Jerusalem Minyan has its suspicions

10. Bar Rafaeli says she really wanted to pay her taxes but the sinkhole stopped her

11. CNN begins referring to the “Occupied Arab sinkhole”

12. “What about Tzfat?” Nefesh b’Nefesh invites the Sinkhole to explore their “Go North” program

13. Sarah Tuttle-Singer shares a taxi with the Sinkhole and they discuss Tamar from the Bible for 3 hours

14. The Sinkhole starts lying about his Army service to impress Taglit girls

15. Jerusalem Sinkhole canceled after his old tweets surface

16. Litzman blocks efforts to extradite Sinkhole to Australia on sex charges

17. Ariel Gold informs the Sinkhole that he’s actually from Spain

18. Sinkhole claims he’s enrolled at Or Sameach but I see him in Crack Square every night smoking weed

19. Jerusalem Sinkhole claims that Maktesh Ramon is his cousin

20. Liami is trying to Keep the Sinkhole in Israel