Tag: Welcome to Israel

Top Ten Rejected Daily Freier Articles

Since 2014, the Daily Freier has scratched your collected itches for weird stuff. Sometimes we even write our stories based on tips from you, our alert readership! But what if a story is just “Too weird for the Daily Freier“? Well, it happens. Here are ten stories that we simply had to reject. Enjoy wondering what might have been.


1. The men who play pétanque on Rothschild Boulevard: without their clothes on!

2. Latest Nefesh B’Nefesh program helps you get banned from Secret Tel Aviv…. BEFORE you make Aliyah!

3.  Holmes Gym just opened membership to straight guys too!

4. Afula: Is it the new Neve Tzedek?

5. Bombshell: Two people who work in Israel Advocacy rumored to get along with one another.

6. Win a chance to be named Jerusalem’s Next Top Hot Chani!

7.  Maccabi Health offers free personal development classes to anyone in a Purim “couples costume”.

8. Strange But True: The weirdos who enjoy Tel Aviv AND Jerusalem!

9. Sarah Tuttle-Singer takes 3 bong hits and explains the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.

10. “Have I Peed Here Yet?” An interactive street map for Tel Aviv men.

 

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Linda Sarsour, Time Traveler: Jesus of Nazareth edition

Narrator: Welcome to Episode 3 of “Linda Sarsour, Time Traveler.” When last we saw our heroine, she had  traveled back to the 20th Century in order to inform Golda Meir and Hanna Szenes that they were not really feminists. Now, our Intrepid Linda of Brooklyn has traveled back to Judea in the time of the Roman Occupation in order to inform Jesus that he’s really Palestinian. We catch up with them in Nazareth, north of the Jezreel Valley.


Linda (cheerfully): A salaam aleikum, Brother Issa!

Jesus of Nazareth: Hello my child, you appear to speak the language of Ishmael’s sons, many days journey into the desert beyond Edom. It is a language I do not understand. I speak Aramaic….. a bit of Thai I picked up when I was backpacking…..and Hebrew. You know, the language spoken by Jews like me…..who live in….. wait for it….. Judea.

Linda: Palestine.

Jesus: I am sorry, my child?

Linda: Palestine! You’re Palestinian! Hellooooo!

Jesus: Daughter of Ishmael, the Philistines disappeared from this land around the Year 600 Before….ummm….600 Years Before….ummm……Me.

Linda: So?

Jesus: So, Like NOBODY uses that term anymore. Not even the Essenes of the Wilderness. And they live alone in the desert without decent wi-fi.

Linda: Hey, I love your wooly Palestinian hair!

Jesus: The apostles call it my “Jewfro”, but Bless Your Heart.

Linda: OMG and you’ve got the most amazing Palestinian copper skin tone, just like me!

Jesus: (Looks at his skin, looks at Linda. Looks at his skin, looks at Linda.) But Linda my child, your skin is whiter than National Public Radio.

Linda: Whatever. So when are you going to Al-Quds, anyway?

Jesus: My child, you are using words that make no sense…. Listen, my Father’s house has many rooms. Maybe you might want to go visit a different one? You know, explore a bit? It’s just that I’m kinda busy. There’s a wedding feast tonight up north and the caterer stinks, so everyone is going to turn to you-know-who when they run out of wine. And don’t get me started on the fish.

Linda: Hey, a wedding! Maybe we can all dance the dabka. It’s a traditional Pales….

Jesus: Farewell my child. (Jesus disappears into the ether)

Linda: Wait, did I just get Holy Ghosted?

(Fade to Black)

 

Iceland’s Eurovision Band loses “Bad El Al service” case after Court finds no history of good El Al service

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/27/2019 at 6:00 PM

Tel Aviv: The District Court of Tel Aviv has dismissed the lawsuit brought against El Al Airlines by Hatari, Iceland’s Eurovision Entry. You see, Hatari, a band  of woke rich kids committed in their own special way to social justice, decided to wave the Palestinian flag because they couldn’t find Narnia’s flag during a live Eurovision broadcast. And Israelis, being Israelis, decided to throw some serious shade, culminating in El Al allegedly giving the band purposely poor seats and service on their flight home. Hatari then responded by filing a lawsuit, which was subsequently tossed out today. You see, El Al has this tiny, and let us just stress VERY UNDESERVED reputation for…. you may want to sit down for this….. poor customer service. We know… crazy, right? (Editor’s Note: Just to be fair, we called El Al’s Toll Free Number about this rumor, but the woman yelled at us and then hung up.) So the Court resolved that there was in fact no data set of “good El Al Customer Service” with which to compare Hatari’s accusation of crappy service. The Daily Freier walked down to the courthouse to get all the facts.

We spoke to Tamar C., a bailiff at the courthouse, who read from the Court’s decision. “It is the Court’s opinion that the Band Hatari, henceforth to be referred to as ‘the plaintiff’, did not adequately prove they were purposely and maliciously served poor food, because none of us in the Courthouse can remember receiving ‘a good meal’ from El Al…. not even Sarit from the cleaning staff, and her brother works in El Al’s catering office.

When the Daily Freier noted that the plaintiff had accused El Al of purposely placing them near extra-rude passengers, Tamar continued: “It is the Court’s opinion that the ‘very rude’ Israeli passengers the plaintiff was seated next to would not even make the tryouts for Israel’s ‘Bad Travelers’ All-Star Team.

Tamar continued: “In addition, The Court finds that the plaintiff’s accusation of ‘targeted harassment’ from Ben Gurion Airport personnel was simply the established protocol after the band went through a Security Checkpoint and set off the Sanctimony Detector, also known as the Beinartometer.

The Daily Freier hopes that the current crisis does not harm the very vital Israeli-Icelandic relationship.

 

Your Daily Freier Guide to Eurovision 2019!

AGF-l7_nQRCupGIAw-SIJiQsHAg8Cta3uYl4XbFXJg=s900-mo-c-c0xffffffff-rj-k-no.jpgWelcome to Israel all you Eurovision Weirdos! You’re going to LOVE it here! Let’s get ready for a week of indecipherable songs by Icelandics paired with costumes that someone stole from a sex dungeon! Ha Ha! Just kidding! Not really! Anyhoo, the Daily Freier is here to help you enjoy Israel to the fullest! So without further ado, let’s get started!

Ben Gurion Airport: Hopefully you flew here on El Al, which is pretty good preparation for the tip-top customer service that you can expect here in Israel! That flight attendant who keeps responding to your requests like you’re a particularly slow 4 year old? Her name is Nava and she (probably) doesn’t actually dislike you. That’s just the Sabra charm! And if you had the good fortune to fly here with some Israelis, well things are getting even better!  You can spot them when they jump out of their seats to grab their bags out of the overhead compartments about the time you’re flying over Cyprus.

Taxis: Remember when you told your friends you hoped to “hook up” with a cute local? Well, congratulations because you’re about to get screwed! Seriously, take the train from the airport to Tel Aviv. As you leave Customs and enter the arrival hall, it’s to your left. There are kiosks where you can buy a ticket to any Tel Aviv station for about 3 Euros (Editor’s Note: We apologize for departing satire to provide actual good advice. We will try not to do it again.)

Israeli Men: Ladies, the men of Israel want you to know that despite any differences in religion or language or culture, they are still willing to have sex with you. Like right now. They got time, their Startup doesn’t open for another hour and their bike is still charging. Not to put too fine a point on it, but our city’s main park is shaped like a penis. A woman pointed this out to us, and they tend to notice details.

Israeli Women: OK, we’ve been here a while and we’re still trying to figure this one out. Native Israeli men seem equally bewildered. Please email us any clues.

LGBT Visitors: Tel Aviv is normally pretty gay.  But as of this morning, and thanks to a team of selfless volunteers, it is now officially Gay Enough for Eurovision!

Fun outside of Tel Aviv: Lies! If you travel East of Ayalon Highway, nothing but hellfire awaits you! Stay in Tel Av….. Sorry folks, that was Aaron Pomerantz our “City Beat” reporter and he’s not a fan of leaving this City to explore. But let’s look at some of the possibilities!

Haifa: Do you like factories? Do you like chemical plants? How about climbing up hundreds of steps to get to a hummus shop? If so, you’re in luck! Haifa’s got you covered!

Jerusalem: (Snore). Whoah, sorry, we fell asleep for a moment. But really, Jerusalem is an A-Ma-Zing city full of nightlife, and the absolute highlight is the chance to drink beer in a shuk at night. Really.


…… Well that’s all the advice we have for now. Tune in throughout the week as we share various pieces of fact-based news and advice!

 

 

“Still Not Gay Enough”: Tel Aviv’s last-minute Eurovision preparation

(Disclaimer: No Mizrahi LGBTQ Indigenous Rights Activists were harmed in the making of this photo)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 5/8/2019 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Dizengoff: “Still not Gay Enough for Eurovision”: these are the words that haunt Tel Aviv City Management as they frantically prepare for next week’s extravaganza of bizarre songs and fashion hate crimes celebration of musical diversity and style. With kickoff only days away, the Tel Aviv Municipality Tourism Office has trained a team of experts in order to Gay Up the city. Spokesperson Galit K. described her strategy as we walked around Dizengoff Square looking for a nice brunch place.

The celebrities coming here is great, but it doesn’t help meet our targeted metrics. I mean, does Madonna even HAVE a following in the Gay community? So we knew we needed outside help.

The Daily Freier challenged Galit that Tel Aviv seems pretty Gay already, but she was adamant. “You’re making a common mistake. A lot of people have a difficult time figuring out if Someone is Gay or Just Being Israeli. We address this issue every year at Pride Week. That’s why we trained up a team of experts in order to make every day Tel Aviv activities a bit gayer. We really want to thank the Swedish Ambassador for hosting our workshops. We also could not have done this without help from the Technion’s prestigious Streisand Center for Gay Science, who postponed their reverse engineering of that amazing appletini one of them had in the Hamptons two summers ago in order to help us.

The Daily Freier was able to follow one such expert, Hen Mazzig, as he walked across the city with a clipboard and a bag of accoutrements. We soon passed that statue on the corner of Dizengoff and Frishman. “OK, that statue is just fine as it is.” Hen explained as he switched a cafe’s music selection to Eyal Golan.

We then asked Hen what his biggest challenges were this week. “While most of Tel Aviv is already kinda Gay, there are pockets of the city that just don’t get it.” Hen noted as he handed a restaurant owner a Tax Voucher for any Brunch with Bottomless Mimosas that goes past 1 PM. “Yesterday I saw three guys on the street who clearly haven’t been to the gym in a month. Honestly, for a moment I thought that I was in Jerusalem.

News of Tel Aviv’s efforts have not gone unnoticed in the Progressive Jewish Blogosphere, with some particularly pointed criticism from some circles. “So wait, is Hen volunteering or getting paid?” asked Forward contributor Eden Washing-Pink. “Because from what I know, Hen has a lot of Shekels.

This attempt to gloss over the Occupation with Gayness is problematic and points to deeper issues in Israel-Palestine.” chided Forward editor Mazkeret-Batya Calgon. “I plan to live-blog my critiques of this propaganda.” Mazkeret-Batya then leaned in and lowered her voice. “Also, can you guys help me get free tickets and backstage passes to opening night? I mean, I AM the editor of a Jewish publication on the front lines against anti-Semitism.

EPILOGUE: In order to promote diversity, Tel Aviv promised that after Eurovision, they would open a nice bar for straight people.

 

“Now we can park like sociopaths without a car!” Tel Aviv celebrates the e-scooter & mobike

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/13/2019 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: The city of Tel Aviv has a little more equality these days, and people are excited. You see, it used to be that in order to park like a total dick, you needed to be able to afford a car. No Longer! Today with the huge success of rental companies like Mobike, Bird, and Lime, parking like a sociopath is within everyone’s reach. The Daily Freier walked the streets of Tel Aviv to find out just how big a deal this is.

I love the freedom that this gives me.” explained local dick Dan G. as he dropped his Lime on the sidewalk in front of a cafe. “I always thought making other people’s’ lives difficult with bad parking was just for the rich guys who could afford a car and a permit. But now, I can really make my mark on the city!

Not caring about how my actions affected other people used to be so difficult without a car.” noted Ron C. “But with my Bird, it’s so easy making life inconvenient for my fellow Tel Avivians. This is even better than matkot!

Annoying my neighbors used to be so hard.” reminisced North Tel Aviv resident Guy S. “But now, with my Bird, I can block paths to schools and create a public hazard on a budget! Only in Israel!

Tune in next week when the Daily Freier visits the Rabbanut to learn the halakhic ramifications of parking your bike on the sidewalk.

 

 

 

We hid the Afikoman in Dizengoff Center!

Oh Hi There!  So you’re attending the Daily Freier’s annual Passover Seder? A-Ma-Zing! Can’t wait to see you! Because this year our Seder is going to be a Very Special Episode. You see, we hid the Afikoman somewhere in Dizengoff Center! That’s right, somewhere in Tel Aviv’s labyrinth of an Urban Mall lies the Afikoman!

Is it in that weird store that sells candles on that ramp near the tattoo place? Maybe, Maybe Not.

Is it in that little shop that sells pop-tarts? Not saying.

Can I use the “Easy Dizi” navigation App to help find it? You could if you want. But it won’t help.

Is the Afikoman on the parking lot on the roof with the mystery greenhouses? No comment.

Is the Afikoman near the Information kiosk that doesn’t provide information? Our lips are sealed.

Is it near the Elephant Butt Slide? Sadly, that slide no longer exists. So, No.

Can we ask Zachary the tourist who went missing there in 2015? Sure, if you can get ahold of him.

Chag Sameah Bitchez!