Tag: Welcome to Israel

Jesus relocates Armageddon “because nobody wanted to hang out in Afula”

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 11/17/2018 at 2:00 PM

Tel Megiddo: Our Christian friends are in a giant funk today after news broke that Jesus has decided to change the site of the Final Battle between Good and Evil. According to reliable sources, the Prince of Peace decided that Tel Megiddo, lying just southwest of Afula in the Jezreel Valley, lacked the modern amenities to properly host Armageddon. Mr. Yeshua was kind enough to Skype with the Daily Freier and explain his decision.

“I’m sorry, but if we’re going to stage an epic battle between the Forces of Light and Darkness, can we do it near a place with a decent mall? Is that asking too much? Let me put this in perspective. My hometown is no great shakes, but at least we have a really big food mall now. But oh yeah, Afula has a Supersal. Also I try to keep my interaction with the Deceiver of Men to a bare minimum, and he never stops bitching to me about this. He said that Afula left him bored.”

The Daily Freier challenged Mister Of Nazareth, noting that Afula has a station on the new Jezreel Valley Train line, but he was dismissive. “Oh really? So now you can take a train to Beit She’an? Wow. Or maybe you could take the train all the way to Haifa. I heard they’ve got a great party scene there. Bring your walking shoes.

The Freier then asked Jesus if he had any candidates in mind to replace Tel Megiddo. “Well it needs to be close enough to a good pub. Trust me, after all that destruction, the Forces of Darkness will want to find a nice place to have a drink. And my friends in Jerusalem tell me that Tel Aviv is a hive of debauchery. So that might work. And if we held an epic battle in Atarim Square, it might end up looking nicer. Do you think I should ask for ideas on Secret Tel Aviv?

The Prince of Peace continued. “But the armies really could use some open space, so maybe somewhere in the Sharon? I was thinking of Ra’anana, but honestly I’ve lost touch with all my friends who moved there. It’s like they joined the Witness Protection Program or something.”

As we ended the interview, Jesus made a final request to all candidates for the new Armageddon site. “Let the city that isn’t totally lame cast the first stone.”

 

 

 

 

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Scientists race to create a decent Israeli bagel by 2050

Daily FreierBy Yekutiel Bornstein and Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/15/2018 at 3:00 PM

The Technion, Haifa: Scientists at Israel’s prestigious Technion are currently hard at work attempting to solve one of the World’s most intractable mysteries. Cold fusion? Nope, they’ve already found a source of  renewable energy. The mystery of the weird posts on popular community page Secret Tel Aviv? Nope, they’ve solved that too! Trying to figure out why the Homeland of the Jewish People still has not even made a bagel as good as….. ummm… Dunkin Donuts? Yes! And in terms of “Problems facing self-absorbed Ashkenazi Olim from North America“, this situation is basically our Code-Red Alert. So it makes sense that the greatest scientific minds in the Jewish world would seek to tackle this problem. The Daily Freier went up to Haifa to figure out just how we will solve this Crisis.

The project’s lead scientist, Dr. Shmuel C. greeted the Daily Freier and quickly ushered us into their experimental “Bagel Lab“, which looked a lot like a Queens, New York bakery circa 1981, complete with linoleum floors, fluorescent lights, and a set of bells on the door that jingled when you opened it. In fact, just to really nail the whole effect, they built a Carvel Ice Cream shop in the adjoining lab. “We know that the Startup Nation can bring a good bagel to Israel.” explained Dr. Shmuel. “I mean, how hard could this possibly be? Look, we built a high-speed rail line already and it will take you non-stop from Jerusalem to….wait…. never mind…but still, we got this!

The Daily Freier then sampled some of the prototypes, and they were just as good as any bagel we’ve had so far in Israel, meaning they tasted like the foam from your couch cushion dipped in sesame seeds. “Do you like it?” asked Dr. Shmuel. “The same expert who designed this prototype previously helped McDonalds-Israel Division attain their amazing tasting burgers!” Or course he did.

Trying to lend a hand, the Daily Freier asked Dr. Shmuel some questions about their process: “So when you boil the bagel before you…..” but he quickly cut us off and said “Wait…..Boil the bagel before you bake it? That doesn’t even make any sense.”

 

 

Bulgaria busts Iranians with fake Israeli passports after they said “sorry”

(Based on a True Story!)

By Yuval  Weiss

Last Updated  11/11/2018 at 3:00 PM

Kapitan Andreevo Border Crossing, Bulgaria: A group of Iranians traveling with fake Israeli passports were apprehended at the Turkish-Bulgarian border after they apologized to somebody that they accidentally bumped into. Bulgarian Border Police held a Press Conference and explained the additional clues that caused them to first suspect the fake Israelis.

Border Police Spokesperson Ivan D. explained some of these suspicious activities. “Lately, Bulgaria has become quite popular with Israeli tourists because of our low prices, beaches, great food, and natural beauty. So we have become somewhat used to the ‘charm’ that Israeli tourists bring.” Ivan continued. “We first suspected something was wrong when they didn’t ask complete strangers about their salary or sex lives. But we needed more proof, so we had the Duty Free Cart at Border Control skip past them without offering to sell them any chocolate. When the suspects politely asked to make a purchase instead of screaming at the guy, we called Headquarters…. and when one of the Iranians accidentally jostled the person next to him and then apologized, we closed in and made the arrests.

Yet Ivan also noted that if it weren’t for the heroic work of an Israeli bystander, the arrests might not have been made at all. Alert Tel Avivian Ronit S. was asked to address the audience on exactly why she first became suspicious. “So I was on the bus with these guys who said they were Israeli, and their Hebrew sucked. But I thought “Whatever, maybe they’re just Anglo Olim. But when the bus was 5 minutes away from the Terminal, I jumped up, grabbed my bag and sprinted to the front of the bus. And when I turned around to talk to the ‘Israelis’, they were patiently waiting in their seats for the bus to come to a complete stop. So yeah, the moment I got to Passport Control, I talked to the police.”

In related news, some other Iranians with fake Israeli passports were apprehended in Goa after they passed a drug test.

 

Study: 23% of Israelis still have not formed their own Political Party

(photo credit: Rachel Hodas)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated  10/31/2018 at 4:00 PM

Tel Aviv: The Center for the Study of Democracy in Israel published a report today indicating that only 77% of the nation’s citizens have started their own political party. With today’s election revealing a confusing array of choices consisting of every one, two, and three-letter combination from the Hebrew Alphabet, this number seemed a bit low. So in order to get to the bottom of this, the Daily Freier met with the Center’s lead researcher Natan C. at a North Tel Aviv cafe.

As we sipped our coffees, Natan gestured to the current occupants of the cafe. “Look around. The waitress, the cook, the hostess, the old guy doing Sudoku, the goofy blogger, the old woman dispensing free advice, the manager, the manager’s girlfriend, the manager’s girlfriend’s girlfriend. All of them are currently running a political party, just formed a breakaway party after a nasty split from an existing party, or are busy filling out forms and petitions to form their own.

Not wanting to simply take Natan’s word at face value, the Daily Freier then called Israel’s Board of Election supervisors and asked if the Center’s numbers are in fact correct.  “77% of Israelis have their own political party? Oh that’s just nonsense.” Election Board Supervisor Gila H. scoffed.  “Soon you will be telling me that someone started a party for secular Tel Aviv cats. Wait….never mind. It appears that somebody did. I quit.

Then the Daily Freier went to vote (first time in Israel!) for the party “Olim B’Yachad, because an Israel run by Olim just seems like a really cool thought experiment.

 

 

Hundreds compete to be first to pee in Tel Aviv’s renovated Dizengoff Square

(Photo Credit: We took this from the Number 5 Sherut. Not bad, Huh?)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 10/24/2018 at 3:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Square: With workers putting the final touches on the newly stored Dizengoff Square, hundreds are waiting for the chance to put their own trademark Tel Aviv touch to the property. The Daily Freier walked on over to smell the excitement.

First, the Daily Freier ran into Danny, who was waiting patiently just north of the square, right next to the statue of the man displaying his junk. “Ever since they tore down the old Square last year, I’ve just felt like something was missing.” explained Danny as he drank from a liter of iced tea. “But now? Now is my chance.” Danny stealthily eyed the construction site. “Those workers can’t stay there forever.

The Daily Freier then spoke with Nir at the Beer Garden opposite the Square. “So it looks like the City is trying to replace the old structure with something clean and classy, with grass and walking paths.” Nir chugged what appeared to be his 3rd pint of Stella and looked toward the Square with a gleam in his eye. “Welcome to Tel Aviv.

The Daily Freier plans to attend the official opening of Dizengoff Square, where we will offer free samples of our Cologne for Men, “Tachana Merkazit“.

 

“Better than a Saudi Consulate!” Misrad HaPnim unveils new slogan

By Mark Levy and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/19/2018 at 6:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Derech Menachem Begin: Today the Start-Up Nation’s Ministry of the Interior revealed its new slogan: “Better than a Saudi Consulate!“, reminding its customers that despite long lines, unannounced closures, and indifferent service…… your chances of getting taken out by a Saudi hit squad are extremely low. The Daily Freier attended a press conference at their Tel Aviv office after receiving a press invite via fax.

We are very proud of our customer service standards.” explained Ministry of the Interior spokesperson Nava K. “After negotiations between our Union and the Government broke down last week, we staged an unannounced work slowdown…. But Hey! All of our customers survived! Only in Israel!

The Daily Freier asked Nava if, much like Israeli carrier El Al, the Ministry was perhaps suffering from low expectations. But she was insistent. “If Mr. Khashoggi had come to our office instead of the Istanbul Consulate, he would still be alive! Of course, he might not have  gotten service yet because our computer skipped the number he had taken from the kiosk…. but one should not be too picky. Welcome to Israel!

As the Press Conference came to an end, Nava announced that the Interior Ministry has begun an Efficiency Campaign for speedier customer service….. led by experts from Israel’s High Speed Rail network.

 

 

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Amazon!” Free Shipping to Israel cancelled

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 9/14/2018 at 1:00 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh: Israelis are performing their annual ritual of forgiving those who have transgressed against them. Yet there are some things they just can’t forgive. Roger Waters? Sheikh Nasrallah? That Idiot from Code Pink? No, No, No. We’re talking something much more serious: the Customer Service Behemoth known as Amazon, which gave Israelis free shipping for a few days and then took it away from them.  The Daily Freier spoke to one of Amazon’s victims to hear her story of betrayal and loss.

It’s been a difficult year.” explained Rivky G, an immigrant from New Jersey. “I’ve had PTSD (Post-Target Stress Disorder), you know, from Target’s Chillul HaShem last year.” Rivky, like so many of her Ramat Beit Shemesh neighbors, had her Target orders cancelled a year ago. “It wasn’t just that I didn’t get my Pumpkin Spice k-cups, it’s the principle of the matter! They make promises and then the deal just disappears! Who do they think they are? Golan Telecom?

I could never forgive them.” Rivky complained. “It was Erev Yom Kippur and I had forgiven my crooked landlord, my roommate who chipped my iPad screen and even that rotten boyfriend who cheated on me with some frecha from work. But this was too much! And seriously, they should have begged for mechila properly.” Rivky was crestfallen and resolved never to trust anyone ever again.

The Daily Freier then reached out to Rivky’s native Israeli coworker Anat for further perspective on this ongoing tragedy. “It was cool to see her all cynical and jaded.” she chuckled. “All of a sudden, Rivky began to suspect that everyone was out to cheat her and lie to her. She would yell at everyone…. ‘I think you’re lying! I’m not a freier!’…. she said it so convincingly, you know, like a real Israeli. I was so proud of her.” It seemed that, sof sof, Rivky had learned the secret to being Israeli.

But then it happened… Amazon. “I heard about this free shipping promotion and I couldn’t risk missing out, so I made an order… just one.” Rivky said. “OK, maybe more than one, but not like a lot of orders which would cripple the Israeli postal system or anything.” And then the inevitable happened. Amazon, like Target, had miscalculated Israelis’ appetite for American products and stopped its shipping promotion. “I can’t believe I fell for it.” Rivky cried. “Now I need my parents to visit me so they can bring everything I ordered online for Chanukah…. Oh and also Ziplocs. Next time I hear of another American company offering free shipping, I won’t trust them… never ever!… not a chance!… ummm… I mean, unless it’s like something really good?”