Tag: Welcome to Israel

Tel Aviv Living, Yom Ha'atzmaut

A Tel Aviv Girl Wears a Sweater-Vest? No Way!
Vest Wishes Israel!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 22 April 2026 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Are the History books trolling us? Is it a conspiracy? Our friend Romi C, a mom of 3 from Modi’in, was looking for historical photos of Yom HaAtzmaut (Israeli Independence Day) to show her kids and was quite shocked at what she found. “This must be fake. This photo is supposed to be young people in Tel Aviv outside of a movie theater, but they’re dressed strangely. Nobody has piercings or tattoos.” she exclaimed.

Romi explained her interest in Israeli History. “We’re a very Zionist family, you know.” Romi emphasized. “We made Aliyah a long time ago when there were real hardships. You know, before they had Ziplocs in Osher Ad and before Amazon shipped here.“

We sat with Romi and examined other well-known historical photos of Tel Aviv that we found in history books. “That’s a photo of the beach in Tel Aviv? Why is everyone dressed like they’re going to a Bar Mitzvah?” she remarked .”More importantly, where are all the dogs???“

Where’s the Bar Mitzvah?

With photos showing Tel Aviv residents in long skirts, button-up shirts, and long pants, the evidence was undeniably clear: either Tel Aviv was a Haredi city in the late 1940’s or someone was using AI on these photos from 77 years ago!

Iran War 2026, The Israel Barbie Collection

Israeli Barbie: Missile Shelter Edition!

Well it was quite a month here in Wartime Tel Aviv, and we at the Daily Freier have a lot to tell you. Roxy Cruz is our resident designer of The Daily Freier’s product line of Israeli Barbies to include the Hamas-Gaza War Barbie Collection, the Covid Barbie Collection, and our Startup Nation Barbie Collection. Now she is back with her Brand New Collection of Missile Shelter Barbies, with some honorable assistance by our Tel Aviv Living Editor Aaron Pomerantz, who purposely went to new shelters to collect weirdos. So Behold, The Daily Freier’s newest Barbies!

Ken Idan: Single, 32 years old. Tall for an Israeli guy, dark hair that will fall in 3 years, beard, Birkenstocks. Works in a low-level clerical job at a high-tech company. He is the default Israeli boyfriend. Nice, cool, reads manifestation books, and claims to practice yoga. Uses spirituality as a marketing tool to attract girls. Tells people about a psychedelic experience he had in Peru that changed his life, but forgets to tell them that the experience was only him having a massive case of diarrhea and talking to his deceased grandmothers who were asking for their Tupperware back. Always has an AM:PM 35 Shekel bottle of wine handy in case some girl says yes to him coming over to her mamad.

Barbie Gila: Single, 31 years old. Cosmetician. Always with her friend Sarit, who is also a cosmetician. Calls everyone “mamush” and “motek”. Almost as aggressive and territorial as her dog, a pinscher named Versace, and believes she has a chair that only she can sit on at the miklat. Used to be engaged to Yossi, but they broke up after her brother Tzahi scammed him for 250,000 Shekels and he left her to think about life in Thailand, where he came back married to Alice. Thinks she is very fancy and sophisticated with her white wine and fake designer bags. Inseparable from Sarit, who rolls her eyes every time someone tries to speak to them.

Barbie Miriam the Brazilian Single: Miriam is 28 years old and owns 11 shirts of Brazil to make sure people know where she is from… but men don’t care and women don’t talk to her anyways. Men come up and speak to her in Spanish, she tells them that she speaks Portuguese, and then they say they know because they learned Portuguese when they visited Argentina. Always smiling, always happy, and men are always so nice to her. She’s 2 years away from becoming a real Israeli after finding out those guys are only interested in her arepa. But arepas are from Venezuela.

Barbie Shulamit:  Goes to the miklat with a small radio, shouting live disasters and where the missiles and shrapnel fell. “It is in Florentin now.” “Took an entire building down in Petach Tikva”. Comes accompanied by a foreign caretaker who is totally horrified so she has a nervous smile all the time. 

Barbie Yochevet: A 49 year old Barbie who is suspected to sleep in jeans, considering how she appears in the miklat within minutes in an absolutely collected outfit and combed hair. Always carrying a bag containing her belongings and passport, in case we get rescued like Private Ryan.

Ken Ori and Barbie Osnat: A couple in their 40’s who have 5 children and haven’t been to a party in 7 years. So in order not to traumatize the children in the miklat, they turned it into a Midburn camp where the kids can lay on mattresses, drink wine, drink beer, and watch football. 

Barbie Dorit:  Looks at everyone entering the miklat and evaluates their fashion. Looks people up and down, judging them and why they are still wearing pajamas at 11:00 AM.

Ken Yaki: A 58 year old divorced high-tech guy with no children. Counts the “booms” out loud like nobody can hear it. He is a Missile Sommelier, telling everyone, by the intensity, speed and noise, if it is from Iran, Hezbollah, Hamas or if it is just a door that closed somewhere. Incredibly unhelpful to the anxiety of Barbie Alice: a foreign woman married to Ken Yossi for 5 months and new at the Middle East rodeo. She thinks we are all going to die every time and already enters the miklat crying. Ken Yossi lost his shid with Ken Yaki and wanted to whip him with one of the fairy light cables of Ken Ori and Barbie Osnat’s Midburn, but chilled out after he was offered a beer and a pill from Barbie Roxy’s collection.

Barbie Roxy:  Alternating between clean pajamas for 5 weeks. Heavily medicated. Took a blue pill she found in a drawer. Praying, yet also drinking. Studying Kabbala for self-improvement but does not rule out exorcism. 

* Special thanks to local reporter E.Jas for superb reporting from the field!

Jerusalem, Judaism, Our "Cousins"

Top Ten Mistakes Made By Palestinian Burglar Disguised as Haredi Guy

So they arrested a Palestinian for stealing computer equipment from a shop in Jerusalem’s Ma’alot Dafna neighborhood. But get this, he was disguised as a Haredi man, which is kinda CULTURAL APPROPRIATION, isn’t it? Anyhoo, according to News Reports, the man was “behaving suspiciously” before he was busted with stolen license plates, burglary tools, and the purloined merchandise. But the Daily Freier wanted to know more about how our “Cousin” messed up his disguise. In order to get to the bottom of this mystery, we dispatched our Almost-Back-on-the-Derech Reporter Yekutiel Bornstein and our Greater Jerusalem/Shomron Bureau Chief Chava Ewa to the scene of the crime. So behold: “Top Ten Mistakes That Busted The Palestinian Burglar Disguised as Haredi Guy”:

1. Never asked the Cops if they do Daf Yomi with Eli Stefansky.

2. He refused a cup of water during Interrogation “because plastic cups are bad for the environment“.

3. Was found with a bottle of “fancy” Coca Cola and not RC Cola.

4. Managed to get through a sentence without saying “Baruch HaShem” three times.

5. His shirt was ironed.

6. He wasn’t carrying a plastic bag.

7. His phone was manufactured after 2002.

8. A search of his pockets did not reveal 4 borekas from a Simcha wrapped in a napkin.

9. He wasn’t looking at the ground as he walked.

10. His pants weren’t hemmed 3 inches above his ankle.

11. He said he was going to work.

BDS, Top 10

Cameron Kasky’s Top Ten Excuses for Visiting Israel

So Jerry Nadler is retiring from Congress and Hashem has a sense of humor. Because an even more annoying Jew-ish person is running for his vacant seat. Cameron Kasky’s brand is basically being a less-accomplished version of Mamdani, only kinda Jewish. And he HATES Israel. So imagine our surprise when journalist Eliana Goldin cold busted him at Ben Gurion Airport wearing a Covid mask and trying to be incognito! Then, in a fit of bravery, he accused Eliana of being a “narc“! Does he think that she’s his mean Freshman Dorm RA or something? But we here at the Daily Freier just KNOW that Cam had to have a good reason to run the BDS gauntlet and visit Altneuland. Because if he didn’t, that would make him kind of a hypocrite. So behold: Cameron Kasky’s Top Ten Excuses for Visiting Israel!


1. My HMO assigned me to Doctor Shakshuka.             

2. Jewish Voice for Peace told me that Sukkot is this week.       

3. Muhammad El-Kurd said there’s a really chill hookah bar in Ramallah where he “keeps it on the DL”.

4. Wanted a free trip with Taglit but they banned me after “the hummus incident” in Williamsburg.

5. Zohran asked me to “take lots of pictures” of Army bases, bus terminals, and ports.

6. Really wanted to see the Bernie Sanders statue on Frishman Beach.

7. Ilhan wants to open a Daycare Center in Jenin and asked me to look at some Real Estate.

8. Needed some talking points for Tucker’s show next week.

9. Rashida dared me to tape $50,000 in non-sequential bills to my body and deliver it to her Uncle in Nablus.

10. Honestly, I thought I would get away with it.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Top 10

Top Ten Clues that Your Humanitarian Aid Pier is in Trouble
Pier Review

The Daily Freier is literally beside itself with the news that America’s Humanitarian Aid Pier in Gaza washed up on Ashdod Beach and is now playing Matkot while drinking arak with grapefruit juice. But how did it all come to this? How did such an amazingly Intelligent and Foolproof plan go so tragically… ummm… off course? Looking for answers, we spent the better part of the morning querying our friends in the 450 WhatsApp groups that we are trapped in. Then we walked around Dizengoff Center pestering strangers until we had enough data points to create this extensive list of Top Ten Clues that Your Humanitarian Pier is in Trouble:

  1. Your Tugboat Driver is Ben Gvir.
  2. The U.S. Naval Attaché is on Secret Tel Aviv “asking for a friend” about tonight’s Tide Schedules.
  3. You catch Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet fooling around up by the Bow.
  4. A Realtor named Ronit just listed your Landing Craft on Ashdod Yad Shtayim as a “Beachfront Rental“.
  5. The Sailor On Watch is actually just a dude from Tel Aviv dressed like the Village People.
  6. The Landing Craft’s Coxswain is using Waze.
  7. The Conning Tower just became Ba’al T’shuva and turned off its Signal Beacons for Shabbat.
  8. You get a super long text from the Floating Barge where she says you “feel distant” and “drifting apart“.
  9. The IDF Liaison Officer says his Fax Machine ran out of paper.
  10. The Sailors are busy playing volleyball in nothing but jorts & dog tags while listening to Kenny Loggins.
  11. It’s all a big stunt to appease some crazy Jew-Haters in Dearborn but they hate America anyway.

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Start Up Nation

Heroes: Iran Drones Delayed by Experts from Israeli Postal Service

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 04/14/2024 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem: Israel breathed a sigh of relief this morning after Iran’s missile attack failed to cause serious casualties. Many of us thanked the Armed Forces of the USA, UK, and Jordan for shooting down much of the Armada. We also wondered why it took the Drones and Cruise Missiles like 8 hours to fly here, giving our defenses plenty of warning. Yet few of us know of the Unsung Heroes in Israel who deserve our praise today for the Super Slow Drones. Was it the Mossad? Nope, this time the Israeli Postal Service saved the day by hacking into Iran’s Guidance Systems and causing the Drones to take a much more “relaxed” attitude toward their job! The Daily Freier waited in line at the Post Office near Machane Yehuda for 45 minutes this morning until we could talk to one of Israel’s Modern Maccabees about their Mission.

“It was really quite easy.” explained a Postal employee named Yossi as he snacked on sunflower seeds and lazily glanced at his crossword puzzle. “Me and Yonatan hacked into the Guidance System and added the same Code that we use for ‘Priority Mail’. So yeah, the Missiles took a 3-hour Meal Break and shut off their transponders so Management wouldn’t know where they were.”

The Daily Freier tried to call Yossi a Hero of Zion, but he was reticent. “We just did our jobs. You know, by telling the Onboard Guidance Systems that the woman who had the proper target coordinates had just left early for a 2 Week Holiday Break after which she planned to transition directly to Maternity Leave.” Yossi looked up from his game of Sudoku and winked at us. “Based on a True Story!“

The Daily Freier wanted to continue the Interview, but Yossi told us to come back on Tuesday or Thursday between the hours of 0900 and 1100.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Top 10

Top Ten Worst Things to hear in the Missile Shelter
  1. The Nachman Dancers need help carrying their sound system down the stairs.
  2. Who else wants to talk about Veganism?
  3. You’re just in time for our Settlers of Catan tournament!
  4. Umm, why does your safe room have furry handcuffs on the wall?
  5. We turned our Miklat into a CrossFit Gym!
  6. Guess who has a Multi-Level Marketing opportunity for you!
  7. Hurry up, Kerem House is performing a Musical downstairs!
  8.  There’s nothing to read down here except Haaretz!
  9.  Shhh! India is starting her Tik-Tok video!
  10. I think this is the Sublet that I saw on Secret Tel Aviv this morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War, The Israel Barbie Collection

Israeli Barbie: Wartime Edition!

Recently many of you have confronted the writers of the Daily Freier as we went about our business in Tel Aviv with an urgent question: how are the members of our Israel Barbie Collection dealing with the war? As we have a certain civic sense of duty to our fellow citizens, we assigned our Lifestyle Reporter Roxy Cruz to answer your pressing questions. So behold: The Israeli Barbie Collection: Wartime Edition!

Ken Ofir HaHatir got exposed for lying about his age because he is not in Miluim (reserve duty) as he is 45 years old, not 36 as he claims. Therefore he is now telling women that he’s not in Miluim because he was injured in the last war. But he is available for them in case they get scared and need emotional support in these difficult times. At short notice, he can come visit with a bottle of Yarden wine and a shoulder to cry on.

Barbie Debra Taglit still thinks it’s a mistake that the Mossad never recruited her for the skills she acquired working at a Miami mall. Debra understood that the noise of the bombs were bad for her cat, Mimi, so she took a flight out of Israel (but left the cat with her neighbor). She’s currently encouraging our soldiers to be brave against Hamas/working non-stop on her Instagram from her parents’ house in Boca Raton.

Barbie Jennifer Israeli Spouse and Ken Yuval Melech HaShuk are currently running 5 minutes from their home in Yafo to the nearest miklat. Yuval is keeping busy making mandalas from seashells and composing songs to clean the vibes with Gaza.

Barbie Sigalit is starting a new business selling incense and aromatherapy. She would like to provide her healing services to people affected by the war, but she needs to get licensed as a therapist. She thinks that this is “Totally BS”, so she is now just burning incense and singing mantras in Sanskrit that she found on YouTube.


Barbie Meirav  would rather die from a rocket hitting her Sheinkin Street apartment than go to the bunker where she might meet her ex-husband, Ken Dudi, his 24 year old Ukrainian model fiancee, Barbie Alina, and all the leftist neighbors she called traitors a few weeks ago before their husbands got recalled to the Reserves for the war.


Barbie Danit is currently under high doses of Xanax. Her kids are at home and the siren barely rings in Ramat Aviv, but she is (secretly) worried about Ken Ofir HaHatir. Ken Uri the Startup guy is secretly expecting a baby from his side chick and will soon divorce her and move to Portugal.

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Tel Aviv Living

Since we’re trapped in this bomb shelter, let’s talk about my Vegan Lifestyle for a half hour!
(photo credit: the Roxy Cruz Foundation)

Wow, that last missile was CLOSE! It’s a good thing this public shelter was nearby. The facility manager just shut that giant steel door and he thinks the barrage of missiles is not going to stop for a long time. So I guess we’re stuck in here!

Which is great because I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the incredible changes in my life since I embraced the vegan lifestyle. Did you know that Tel Aviv is the world capital of vegan cuisine? I was in the Shuk yesterday and had this a-ma-zing “pulled pork” sandwich but get this…it was made of jackfruit! Wait, you don’t know what jackfruit it? So you can get it in the Asian markets here and it is really great because it takes on the texture and consistency of meat but at the same time it….

…But first I need to tell you about how much farmland we can save by ending our dependence on the beef industry and converting the grazing land into sustainable agriculture using traditional crop rotation and organic fertilizer derived from urban composting especially….

….Wait, there’s a video I’ve been meaning to show you. Have you ever actually SEEN how hot dogs are made? Because I have this YouTube clip and it is so DISGUSTING that you will NEVER eat them again. OK let’s open up my phone and… what? You don’t think I can get reception inside the walls of the shelter?  That’s why I carry around a small Wi-Fi repeater in my purse!  It lets me use the Internet ANYWHERE!  OK, so let’s cue up the video to the part where they take the intestines and turn them into….

Hey, where are you going? Stop trying to climb out of the shelter window, it’s not safe yet!

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Ashkenazi Problems

Trapped: Sephardic Evacuees from Ashdod forced to eat Ashkenazi Host Family’s food

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/15/2023 at 3:50 PM

Tel Tzion:  “There. Was. Sugar. In. The. Fish. I’m traumatized. ” Ruti N. of Ashdod sobbed. “Also, the rice was just plain and white…. is there a nationwide turmeric shortage?” Ruti’s Sephardi family is among the many evacuated from the South of Israel due to the war and placed with host families around Israel….. many of them who are Ashkenazim.

Grief counselors and social workers have been sent to help the displaced families deal with their trauma. “I thought they would want to talk about the rockets and sirens.” said social worker Adi S., “But when I ask them to open up about their fears, all I hear is complaints about the food.“

“My children haven’t seen a bowl of couscous in days! It’s a human rights violation.” cried Ruti. “And why is there mayonnaise in everything…. and four different kinds of herring???!”

We caught up with Shevy, who’s hosting Ruti’s family, as she peeled potatoes in her kitchen on the yishuv of Tel Tzion. “It’s been a pleasure to have them!” she exclaimed. “Poor things, stress from the war must be affecting their appetite … at lunch they hardly touched their gribenes.“

As we left Shevy’s house, we asked about any plans after her guest family leaves. “I’ve been offered a job with the Shabak.” she replied. “They’re setting up a prison for captured Hamas terrorists and they want ME to cook the prisoners’ meals!“