Jerusalem: People are talking of a Modern Day Miracle in the Holy Land this week, as the Unthinkable has come True. That’s right, apparently someone got out of their Hot Cable contract. The Daily Freier wandered around Ben Yehuda Street asking people for their opinion on this Nes Gadol that Haya Po.
“This is Amazing, but I have some questions.” noted Adi, a Tech Sector employee from Modiin. “Did they go through the Website? They couldn’t have gone through the website.“
“So did they find a Sabra to yell at them on their behalf?” inquired Tel Aviv Childcare worker Arielle. “Because the moment they figured out I was an Olah, it was Game Over.“
“Okay I’m quitting today. If they could do it, I can do it.” enthused Motti, an independent contractor from Jerusalem. The Daily Freier had to gently explain to Motti that it was an Evangelical Christian Group that was not renewed, and this was because it was suspected of targeting Jews for Conversion to Christianity.
“So wait, all I need to do is talk about ‘You-Know-Who‘ and I can get out of my contract?” asked Motti. “Too Easy.“
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Motti was on the phone with Hot Cable asking the Customer Service Representative if she had a moment to discuss their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
The world is in crisis: riots in the streets of America and Europe, escalation in Syria, a potential diplomatic crisis concerning the Annexation Bill. So it’s at times like these that we can truly count on the Jerusalem Post to deliver the hard-hitting news, like….ummm….. a porcupine that walked into the Knesset bathroom. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier followed up on this story and went places that the Jerusalem Post was too scared or not bored enough to go. That’s right, we talked to the porcupine (which wasn’t easy because unlike us, it completed Ulpan Kita Gimel). So behold: the Top Ten Reasons why the porcupine was in the Knesset public restroom.
1. I saw Amir Peretz without his mustache and got scared.
2. In here, nobody can ask me to join their stupid Zoom meeting.
3. Sara Netanyahu is starting to yell at The Help and this looked like a good place to hide.
4. I wanted to use the bathroom on the second floor but Ayman Odeh said that it was “Occupied”.
5. Tamar Zandberg gave me something called a “space cookie”. Now the walls are talking & I’m seeing double.
6. Go ahead and tell me a more interesting thing to do in Jerusalem.
7. Apparently, I’m also a Minister in Bibi’s cabinet now.
8. Was just trying to find where Ice Cube kept his amazing theories.
9. Bezalel Smotrich told me to meet him here and not to tell anybody.
10. Benny Gantz was giving a speech on the Knesset Floor and I kept falling asleep.
Modiin: “It’s about time I get what’s Magiya Li! All the people with kids, seniors, disabled, small business owners and atzmaii people got grants from the government… now it’s my turn!” said Gefen H, olah chadasha and owner of an illegal catering business, after hearing about the government’s announcement of Corona stimulus grants for Israelis running under-the-table businesses.
Gefen explained that she saw a posting on Facebook, which led her to the Bituach Leumi website. “It wasn’t difficult to apply….I just had to provide a few details. Like, you know, what kind of business I was running, how long I’ve been doing it, how much I made, and where I deposit the money.” Her roommate Anat was suspicious, but Gefen insisted that the site is genuine. “It’s a government website. They don’t lie!”
“I’m not saying Gefen is gullible, but when she was here on Birthright, she hooked up with that soldier who told her that he would never ever spend the night with a girl he just met, but that she was special because of her deep commitment to Zionism.” observed Anat.
The Daily Freier visited the Bituach Leumi office in Jerusalem (because we needed an excuse to buy candy at that American supermarket across the street) and met Dudi and Yossi, the two clerks responsible for overseeing the grant program. “Look, Bibi has been giving away so much taxpayer money, we had to find a way to drum up revenue.” Dudi explained. “It was my idea to catch tax cheats with this phony grant program. Yossi thought people would see right through it, so I bet him a Shwarma meal that he was wrong…I got my Shwarma.”
Meanwhile, we spoke to Gefen as she was taking a break from complaining on Facebook about how the government doesn’t care about her, is ignoring her needs, et cetera, and is awaiting her grant money. “I just heard a knock at the door!” she exclaimed. “Maybe they sent a courier with my check. That’s so nice of them!”
Jerusalem, Baka: As Israelis find themselves under lockdown, people are learning all kinds of new things about their neighbors.
“I called the police because I thought my upstairs neighbor Ruchie was running an illegal Gan. Turns out she just has nine kids.” noted Malka D, a retiree living in Baka. “I heard Uncle Moishy songs blasting all day, constant yelling, and every week the Makolet guy delivered 10 boxes of Cheerios, 12 packages of yogurt and 8 bags of frozen corn schnitzel.” confided Malka, who insists that she doesn’t meddle in other people’s business. “Who needs so much frozen corn schnitzel except someone operating an illegal gan during lockdown?” (Writer’s Note: I need that much)
When asked why she had jumped to conclusions and didn’t maybe consider that her upstairs neighbor had a large family, Malka explained. “I met her when I moved into this building, she’s a preschool teacher and her husband works in a grocery store. They don’t have money! Who would have a bunch of children if they didn’t have money? That’s just ridiculous!”
Ruchie, of course, forgave her neighbor for the misunderstanding. “I’m learning about my neighbors too!” Ruchie admitted. “I just learned that my next door neighbor is Sephardi! All this time, I thought she was from overseas and that’s why she mispronounced Hebrew words… you know what she calls the Koisel? You know, the Western Wall? She says “Koh-tell”… that’s crazy, right?”
Tel Aviv, Allenby: We celebrate many heroes of the Corona Epidemic: Police, First-Responders, Doctors, Nurses, Grocery Store Workers, Postal Employees, Delivery Drivers, Soldiers. Yet there are some heroes who have gone unnoticed: people who refuse to be afraid and continue to maintain their routine. One such man is Danny, a Tel Aviv man who somehow just managed to cut in front of you at the Super Yuda near your house while still maintaining proper social distance. The Daily Freier was at the scene to witness this symbolic act of defiance against Covid-19.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes.” explained line-cutting victim Adam H. “He’s truly a professional. I’m not even angry. That was….. majestic.”
We then asked Danny just how he was able to perfect his fine art. “Believe me, It’s not easy.” he explained. “But we’re Israelis. This is not my first crisis.” Danny continued. “With a proper understanding of Physics, anything is possible.”
When asked about his plans for the future, Danny indicated that he prayed for an end to the Government’s restrictions on movement, so he could get back to his routine of almost hitting you with his scooter while you walk on the sidewalk.
Tel Aviv: The world cheered today after Israeli scientists managed to trap and isolate the Corona Virus in Tel Aviv’s Dizengoff Center Mall. Dizengoff Center is not so much a Mall as it is a confusing series of passageways connected by shops selling candles and/or pop tarts. Yet despite the fact that the Daily Freier has dunked on the mall here hereherehere and here, it is these very qualities that allowed Israel to trap the virus inside of a building that one cannot escape. The Daily Freier put on our masks, washed our hands with soap, and checked out the Health Ministry’s Press Conference outside the Mall’s King George Street Exit by the parking garage.
“The Corona Virus is now trapped somewhere on the 3rd floor between the tattoo shop and the Apple Store that isn’t actually an Apple Store.” explained Doctor Yonatan C. from the Ministry of Health. “It tried to find its way out but became confused and turned around after walking past the playground with the slide protruding from a giant plastic elephant’s butt.”
In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier skyped with The Corona Virus as soon as it got some decent wi-fi. “Where the hell am I? This place doesn’t even make sense.” complained The Artist Formerly Known As Corona. We then asked Corona just how it was lured into such an elaborate trap. “I needed to run some errands…. you know, pick up stuff from the pharmacy, maybe get some Druze Pizza from the food concessions, and drop off dry cleaning. They said they had convenient parking. I walk inside and within minutes I was lost.” The Virus looked around in confusion and began to sulk. “The worst part is the deception.”
As the Daily Freier ended the conversation, the Corona Virus was desperately trying to download the mall’s EasyDizi Navigation App.
Tel Aviv: With the worldwide spread of the dreaded Corona Virus, Israelis fear that the pandemic will soon affect their country as well. Yet while most Israelis remain confused and without a plan, one group has already organized to fight the virus head-on: the germs who live in the Tel Aviv Bus Station. The giant complex boasts abandoned floors occupied by transients, a Yiddish Theater, scary toilets, and a bat colony. In addition, it houses a community of fiercely nationalistic microbes that are gruff but lovable. The Daily Freier is quite familiar with the Central Bus Station, having once marketed a cologne inspired by its smells (Really!), so we had no problems meeting germs to interview.
“This Corona character doesn’t know who he’s messing with.” explained Shirli, an e-coli virus living on the door knob of the 3rd floor womens’ bathroom. “You’re in MY house now.”
“We are organized and ready for this threat.” noted Tomer, a staph infection hanging around the escalator near the Levinsky Street entrance. “Am Yisrael Chai.”
“Gamla will not fall again, and neither will we.” stated Dudi, an airborne fungus living in a pile of bat feces on the second floor.
In addition to the germs in the Central Bus Station, the Daily Freier learned of other microbes organizing against Corona, to include Yossi the Household Mold behind your Tel Aviv apartment’s bathroom wall, the stuff living in Tel Aviv’s Atarim Square, and the germs living in the dry pee in Dizengoff Square.
When we shared this story with actual Israeli humans, they noted that this plan is better than Health Minister Litzman’s real-life Corona plan, which consists of stopping flights from random Asian countries and protecting an accused sex offender from being deported to Australia.
Tel Aviv: Who amongst us did not LOVE LOVE LOVE to play with Barbies when we were young? But for those of us living in Israel, the concept of a doll with a nice house, a car, and a real job just seemed…. unrealistic. Which is why we are really really excited to introduce this new line of Israeli Barbie dolls crreated by Tel Aviv’s very own Roxy Cruz!
Also, Israeli Spouse Barbie may or may not be based on Roxy’s life story.
Israeli Spouse Barbie: Left her well-paying job as a senior executive in Denmark to live with Yuval, a struggling poet and musician, in Shuk haCarmel. Comes with a free headset and a working contract in Customer Service.
Yuval Melech HaShuk: Israeli Spouse Barbie’s partner. Comes with scratch-n-sniff “Festival in the Negev & Cannabis” scent.
Yuval’s bullshit Army stories that he tells Taglit Barbie sold separately.
Rumor has it that the Israeli Government exports its hottest/laziest men to Northern Europe in order to bring back experienced Customer Support Technicians in the form of their new girlfriends.
Barbie Sigalit: An Israeli bartender and aspiring actress who lives and has sex once in a while with 3 roommates. Has a recreational drug issue to treat her daddy issues, plus her issues because she wants to be Yemenite but is actually Ashkenazi. Barbie Sigalit has a dog that she refuses to look after, but she also wants to have a baby soon.
So if you CALL NOW and order Israeli Spouse Barbie & Ken Yuval Melech HáShuk, you also receive free of charge and unsolicited, Barbie Sigalit….since Ken Yuval convinced Barbie Israeli Spouse to try polyamory so he can keep Barbie Sigalit, too.
Also, you get the free darbuka from their living room that nobody in the house knows how to play.
Jerusalem, Har Nof: “Everyone saw her, but nobody looked!” Police detective Motti F. described his exasperation at trying to catch Jerusalem’s most prolific female bank robber. The sheitel-clad thief dubbed “HaGiveret” by police, has successfully perpetrated a series of brazen robberies in Jerusalem’s religious neighborhoods, leaving behind many male witnesses but nobody who can actually identify her… because that would mean… you know… men admitting that they were actually looking at a woman.
Detective Motti explained. “Our police sketch artist used to work for Mishpacha Magazine, he’s great at drawing male criminals, but when he sat with witnesses to the robberies, all the sketches he produced had blurred-out faces! Honestly, this is worse than when I worked in Tel Aviv and tried to find a bike thief who wore a hipster beard.”
A witness to one robbery described the scene. “She walked into the bank and yelled that she had a gun, and nobody was afraid of her. But then, she started singing along to the elevator music and someone cried out ‘Kol Isha! Assur!‘ and everyone ran away. She had plenty of time to take all the money….and the rugelach in the break room.”
Working on a tip that the suspect had fled into a certain apartment building, police knocked on doors and gathered a group of suspects for a police lineup (OK, they needed to look busy so they just rounded up a few random religious women… because who else but a master criminal needing to disguise their identity would own several wigs?) Local resident Raizy D. described the momentary panic that ensued. “When all those men with guns stormed in, we thought they were from the tax authority… that they had heard about my unlicensed mishpachton or Blumie’s cash-only catering business or the store in Ruchi’s machsan. Anyhow, none of us are that bank robber lady, we wouldn’t do that! Imagine…. religious people breaking the law like that!”
Jerusalem, Clal Building: “Would you believe it? The first week after I made Aliyah, I’m trapped in a building again!” said Zachary F, an American college student who once got lost in Dizengoff Center. “My neighbor told me to go to a Government office in Binyan Clal. At first I thought he was pranking me…it looked like an abandoned building… but then I saw the security guard … and that was the last time I saw daylight for the past two weeks.”
Since then, Zachary has been wandering up and down the stone staircases, looking for signs or directions or even windows to orient himself (spoiler alert: there are no windows), stopping occasionally to check if there’s wi-fi where he’s standing (spoiler alert: no wi-fi can penetrate the building’s thick stones) and living off stale food from the vending machines.
“I tried to find a store to ask for directions. I mean, there’s storefronts here, but it seems like they’re never open or boarded up… except for that sleazy looking sex shop over there and I’m too embarrassed to go inside.” he said. Zachary is hopeful that one day soon, someone will actually walk into the Clal Building and he can get directions. “Just so you know, when I get out, I’m going to complain about this on my Aliyah Blog!”
The Daily Freier confirmed that the Clal Building did actually contain the Misrad Habinui Vhashikun (rental assistance office) which Zachary was seeking out. We also learned that it was built by the same architect who designed the Dimona Reactor (No. Really.)
Before we said our goodbyes, we asked Zachary if he had any messages that he wanted to convey to the Authorities. “This building is so dilapidated and old, I don’t understand why the Government is using such antiquated facilities… It’s so unlike them!”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.