By Chava Ewa
Last Updated 10/17/2017 at 2:30 PM
Judea and Samaria: A Canadian-Israeli Olah has petitioned the American government for U.S. citizenship claiming that all the Israelis on her yishuv already believe that she is American anyway. Rivky K. has lived in a town 15 minutes north of Jerusalem for over 5 years and is known to everyone as ‘Rivky ha-Amerikait’ …even though she is not actually American. “Everyone thinks I’m American and all they want to do is kvetch to me about President Trump.” Rivky noted. “If I have to put up with that every day, I want all the other benefits of U.S. citizenship…isn’t that fair?”
Rivky explained that the misunderstanding happened shortly after she moved to the yishuv. “I went to get my mail, nothing much… just 10 or 12 parcels from Next and Amazon. Svetlana, the doar [post office] lady spoke a bit of English and told me about “all the other nice Americans here” who she knew: Sarah, who had a baking supply store [editor’s note: Sarah is Australian] and Rabbi H. [yep…. South African] and Malka the seamstress [British… of course] Svetlana started calling me ‘Rivky ha-Amerikait’ but I didn’t have the language skills to correct her… so the nickname stuck”
“It’s not my fault! I just wish there was a way I could communicate better with the Israelis here… you know, like if they improved their English or something.” she griped. “But I’m working on it! I have a great idea about setting up some kind of an intensive language-learning school for them… what do you think?“
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/6/2017 at 9:00 PM
Tel Aviv: In a historical first, the Mossad has revealed that two women were recently appointed division chiefs. And the ladies now in charge over at the mythical Intelligence agency wasted no time getting things done, with one of them, named “S”, taking out a terrorist over that thing he did 19 years ago that she never really forgot about. The Daily Freier met up with Ms. “S” at a non-descript North Tel Aviv cafe to get all the facts on how she helped set up [REDACTED] on a “Speed Date” with 72 young ladies somewhere on another Plane of Existence.
“So yeah, back in 1998 I was deep undercover somewhere in Southern Europe and [REDACTED] really made me upset.” The Daily Freier asked “S” if she remembered anything from that fateful day.
“Not really. I mean, I was wearing linen pants from Italy, a white top, and flats. I was feeling blah. My regular hairdresser was on holiday and his replacement totally messed up so I had to wear a hat for a week while it grew in. I had a chicken salad and a Diet Coke. The restaurant was playing smooth jazz.”
The Daily Freier asked Ms. “S” what exactly the terrorist did.
“Well [REDACTED] did [REDACTED] and said [REDACTED]. Then he asked me if something was wrong and I said “Nothing”. Then he asked me if I was OK, and I told him “everything is fine”. Yada Yada Yada, 19 years later, he sleeps with the fishes.”
The Daily Freier asked Ms. “S” if she could share any details from the operation that ended the life of [REDACTED].
“So right before I took him out, he turned and asked me why I was doing this. And I was like ‘Really?’ You don’t remember what you did wrong??? You know EXACTLY why I’m doing this.”
As the interview ended and we got up to leave, the Daily Freier forgot to hold the door for Ms. S and she almost fell over. When we asked her if she was OK, she shot us ‘that look’, said “everything is fine” and then quickly wrote something down in her notebook.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 9/6/2017 at 1:30 PM
Tel Aviv Dog Beach: Amid ongoing investigations for, as far as we can tell, illegally forcing their household help to hide cigars and 30 Agurot deposit bottles inside of furniture while riding on a submarine, reliable sources now declare that the only member of the Netanyahu family not under police investigation is their dog: serial biter/stealth pooper Kaiya Netanyahu. And with the rest of the family in a bit of “deep dog doo doo” Kaiya finds herself the only Netanyahu who has not been interviewed under caution by the police. We had a chance to speak with Kaiya after she finished swimming at the Tel Aviv Dog Beach.
“I just really feel that our family is under attack from the media.” explained Kaiya as she dried off in the sun. “Like what happened to Yair and I last month when that crazy woman followed us and took our picture. It’s just not fair.”
The Daily Freier then asked. “So you’re saying that you and Yair did not in fact leave your poop on a sidewalk unattended?”
“What are you doing for the Holidays?” replied Kaiya. “Are you going anyplace nice?”
The Daily Freier asked Kaiya if she has ever seen the family take bribes or illegally accept gifts. “Never! I hate the smell of cigars! And submarines make me claustrophobic!”
As Kaiya got up to leave for an appointment at an upscale Tel Aviv dog washery, she admonished. “Don’t believe everything you read in the newspapers! Except the Daily Freier!”
UPDATE: Amid ongoing fallout from Yair and Kaiya’s “Poop-Gate” incident last month, police have asked Kaiya for a “sample” to see if there is a DNA match with the “evidence” left behind at the scene. She has now retained legal counsel and is referring all questions to her attorney.
By Chava Ewa and Mark Levy
Last Updated 9/4/2017 at 3:30 PM
Beit Shemesh: Target just cancelled all of its orders to Israel, and Israelis, especially the ultra-resilient Anglo Olim Community, are collectively LOSING. THEIR. MINDS. According to those Anglo Olim “In the Know”, the cancellation of 20,000 Target orders is an event sufficiently catastrophic to legitimately be described as a Nakba.
“We are weeping, we are praying, we are fasting. Surely this is a sign from HaShem to repent.” lamented Rabbi Shlomo K. of Efrat. “It’s like Tisha b’Av, only here and now. Hashem gave us something amazing and miraculous and suddenly he took it away. And it’s no coincidence that this catastrophe happened right before the High Holidays …. it’s a sign!”
So to the best of our knowledge, here is what happened:
- An affiliate of Target offered free shipping to Israel.
- Apparently, they have never shipped anything to Israel.
- Within 15 minutes, every Israeli had told every other Israeli about the great deal.
- In order not to mess this up for everyone, Israelis prudently placed small ord…. JUST KIDDING! They went nuts and tried to ship swingsets! Also plastic sheds!
- Israeli Customs saw this as an opportunity to levy new taxes, including a “Snack Tax” (really!).
- Target, no doubt feeling a lot like someone who just got talked into buying Dead Sea products at the mall, pulled the plug on the whole thing.
- The Jews went insane on social media.
- The full force of 20,000 Jews complaining crashed the server used by the Facebook Page ‘Living Financially Smarter in Israel’.
Despite the majesty and wonder of Startup Nation, Israelis do not yet enjoy access to the plethora of consumer goods which Target offers. “Whenever my mom comes to visit, I ask her to bring me just a few small things …. you know, like 8 boxes of pumpkin spice k-cups, a new car seat, and 3 kilos of Lawry’s seasoned salt.” explained Rivky B., a resident of Beit Shemesh. “But when my Facebook friends started posting about this free shipping offer, I thought it was a miracle …. surely Moshiach was coming …. or something!”
Rivky’s Israeli-born neighbor Aviva was sympathetic but not surprised. “They really should have been more suspicious, that offer sounded too good to be true.” she said. “But these Anglo Olim, they’ll believe anything. We have a word for that in our language… I don’t know if you’ve heard it, but it rhymes with ‘Tire’. You know, that would be a great name for an online newspaper. “
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 8/29/2017 at 5:10 PM
Tel Aviv, Shuk HaCarmel: So this is a really cool place! That’s why Summer in Tel Aviv is so amazing: pop-up bars! Great music, cheap drinks. And the woman you’re talking to is really cool! Very chill. Seems fun. Good conversation. Asking a lot of questions about you (good sign!). In fact, each time you ask her where she’s from, she changes the subject back to you. Kinda strange, but that’s OK. It’s almost as if she wants to talk about anything EXCEPT where she’s from. What’s up with that?
You: “So where are your from?”
Woman: It’s Northwest of Ramat Gan. You probably never heard of it. So do you like sports?
You: Oh that sounds really interesting! What’s it called?
Woman (Distracted): It’s South of Kfar Saba. Not important. Hey I like your shirt!
You: Wow! My cousin is from Kfar Saba! So what’s it called?
Woman: It’s a few kilometers north of Ben Gurion Airport. (Looking away) Hey, what song are they playing?
You: So what’s the name of your home town?
Woman (Annoyed): It’s Southeast of Herzliya. Hey, do you like hummus?
You: Wait. Are you from Petach Tikvah?”
Woman: I don’t understand the question.
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 7/21/2017 at 5:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Recently a group of Tel Aviv women made a dramatic discovery: the city’s various bus routes bore far more than a passing resemblance to their experiences with Tel Aviv men…. past, present, and future. Some are fast. Some are slow. Some are reliable. Some will take you places you’ve never been. Some never show up. The Daily Freier stopped in for a nice girl chat and some serious dishing over drinks.
Aurelia started off. “Some buses are amazing but fickle.” she explained. “The Number 13? Promises to take you from Allenby to Tel Aviv University in less than twenty minutes? Yeah, he’s the best…. when he shows up. He’s the hot guy you really like who one day totally up and left for Europe without telling you. But he’s totally passionate and you really did feel a connection. So, yeah. If you catch him while he’s in town he’s totally down for a booty call.”
But not all the buses are that exciting or frustrating. Rachel explained “So then there’s the 25 Route. Reliable. Takes it slow… On time…. Lame. He’s the Beta that you friend-zoned. I mean I guess you could take him home. But he’s boring a-f.”
Of course some buses are reliable AND exciting. Aurelia broke it down for us. “The 289? Adventurous. It goes north AND south. He goes EVERYWHERE. I mean the 289 is just an all around catch… like you’ll probably go traveling together and shit.”
Rachel thought for a moment. “Remember that guy you kinda liked but not liked-liked? He’s the 125. You know, the one you didn’t mean to go so far with, but ended up all the way down…. South.” Rachel quickly clarified her statement. “I meant like Yafo.”
Then there are the…. unorthodox routes. Arielle explained. “The 66? He’s the guy everyone’s been with. Kinda skanky. Lives with his parents in Ramat Gan. Not bad….but not good either. ”
When asked if Sheruts factor into the equation, Arielle was quick to note the 4א Route. “Remember him? You met him like ONCE at a party two years ago. Seemed cool. Then he ghosted you. Never. Saw him. Again.”