Tag: Yekutiel Bornstein

Israeli Torah Scholar: Hell exists in Judaism, “but only if you park on the sidewalk”

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 8/26/2018 at 9:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Yehoshua Bin Nun Street: A prominent local Yeshiva has just come out with a bombshell of a Rabbinic insight: that there is in fact a Hell in Judaism, and if you park on the sidewalk you may well be on your way there yourself. You see, compared to our Christian and Muslim friends, Jews have tended to downplay the whole “Hell” thing because we get all of our suffering out of the way in this world. Yet just last week a Yeshiva located in South Tel Aviv saw a groundbreaking Dvrei Torah on the subject. The Daily Freier spoke to the young scholar, Nachum W., about his insights on this important topic.

The Torah teaches that HaShem loves all of us”. Nachum explained. “Except whoever parked in front of my building last night so that I had to turn my body sideways just to get to my mailbox. That guy? He’s basically Amalek.”

The Daily Freier challenged Nachum that his drosh seemed overly harsh, but he was adamant. “Whoever does this is committing a Chilul HaShem. Bu they don’t care. It’s almost a contest to them sometimes.” Nachum continued. “It gets worse every day. Honestly, these people act as if they have a Government Permit to behave like this.”

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we noticed that we really shouldn’t hurry, because someone had double-parked in front of our car so that he could get some cigarettes from the Makolet and say hi to his friends.

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Olah Hadashah competing to be named ‘Israel’s Most Annoying Convert 2018’

Daily FreierBy Yekutiel Bornstein & Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/18/2018 at 12:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: A recent immigrant to Israel is currently chasing her dream: to be named this year’s Most Annoying Convert to Judaism. Rakhel (NOT Rachel) is hopeful, but she knows the competition is tight. You see, converting to Judaism is about as simple as trying to move money from your bank branch in Tel Aviv to your bank branch in Haifa on the same day that you convert your American driver’s license while lacking your complete driving history since the age of 16. So the people who actually follow through on the whole Balagan in order to join the Most Hated Group of People on Earth™ tend to be…..ummm…. really driven. And umm….. really focused on letting you know just how Jewish they are. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier was also able to speak with some of her friends from before her conversion was complete.

I love spending time with Rakhel and I’m so proud of her.” explained her old friend Devorah. “But ‘Baruch Hashem, I caught the bus at 5:00 Baruch HaShem.’ Yeah, I get it. Baruch HaShem….. Also last time she stopped by my house, she dropped off some pre-cut toilet paper, for just in case she’s ever here on Shabbat.”

In addition the Daily Freier spoke with George, a gentile co-worker who has known Rakhel for 6 years. “I don’t really understand Judaism, but I know that Jewish people always sell me their bread on Pesach and buy it back the next week. And I’m fine with that.” he explained. “But this year after Rakhel sold me her bread, she refused to buy it back the next week because she had stopped eating that hechscher.”

Finally, we were able to meet up with Rakhel after she finished buying a bunch of vegetables at the Shuk that she intends to cook into a stew and store in her second freezer before she serves it to you at a Shabbat lunch 11 months from now.

I never thought I had a chance.” explained Rakhel as we sipped coffee in a cafe with a hechscher that is more strict than your cafe’s hechscher.  “But then Neta won Eurovision and now I know that anything is possible if a girl puts her mind to it…… you know, it wouldn’t hurt Neta to dress a little more Tznius.

We also decided to split a slice of carrot cake, and when it arrived Rakhel made the brachos. Really loud. Really Really loud.  As the conversation continued, the Daily Freier noticed the sheer volume of Yiddish terms that Rakhel was inserting into the conversation, which was weird because she converted in a Sephardic Community. Also, she told the bewildered Coca Cola delivery guy that she was Shomeret Negiyah.

This Derech has not been easy.” admonished Rakhel. “I had to give away all of my old dishes because they were once used for treif. Also the table that the dishes once rested on. And the clothes I once wore while eating treif. And oh yeah I needed to move apartments….. because treif.”

 

 

 

Reform Jews denounce new Haggadah that only tells the story of Passover

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 12/21/2017 at 1:00 PM

Manhattan: America’s Progressive Jewish Community is currently reeling from some very very disturbing news: the publication of a Passover Haggadah that only……wait for it…..tells the Story of Passover. Random House recently published a Haggadah written by two prominent Rabbis that purports to tell the story of the Jewish People’s escape from bondage in Egypt without any allusions to Donald Trump, Gun Control, Fracking, or a $15 Minimum Wage. Well if you think our Woke Jewish Brothers and Sisters were going to take this development lying down, you are sorely mistaken. A protest tent was quickly erected outside of the publishing house and a 24 hour protest vigil began. Were there guitars? Of course there were. The Daily Freier stopped by and spoke with a few select members of the tie-dye tallit gang to get the Real Story.

There is absolutely nothing in this so-called ‘Haggadah’ on Climate Change.” fumed Rabbi Allyssa Finkelstein-O’Neill. And yes, she made “air quotes” with her fingers when she said “Haggadah”. Rabbi Finkelstein-O’Neill leafed roughly through the Haggadah until she found a particularly offending tract. “There! King of the Universe??? Really? You are literally supporting the Patriarchy! The entire book is just one big Hate Crime. And don’t get me started on the word for “husband” in Hebrew.”

As the Daily Freier walked past a number of protesters wearing pink kippot shaped like Tel Aviv’s Shuk HaCarmel, we met up with a food co-op manager named Dylan. “I really can’t be in the same room as this book. It is literally everything-phobic. I mean, How can they justify a Haggadah that contributes absolutely Nothing to the intersectionality debate? Plus, the entire Plagues section needs a trigger warning….Also as a vegan, I refuse to sing Hagadya….And no surprise here, but the book fails to mention Mike Pence once!

The Daily Freier then spoke with a cantorial soloist named Elyse. “Moses telling Yithro’s daughters that they can use the well because he said it’s OK? I mean, mansplain much?” Elyse continued. “This whole Haggadah just reminds me that I’m literally offended by everything. I’m just glad I have enough copies of the J-Street Haggadah from last year.

A spokesperson for the protesters said they intend to remain at the site indefinitely, “Or at least until we get bored of singing Shalom Rav“. Also, in an attempt to break down boundaries, tomorrow’s protest there will also include some tallit on men.

 

New “American-style” Jerusalem suburb includes a Shul you’ll go to & a Shul you wouldn’t be caught dead in

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/10/2018 at 6:30 PM

Ramat Giv’at Ze’ev: The highly anticipated planned  Jerusalem suburb of Giv’at Ze’ev is being specifically built to meet the preening sense of entitlement very high standards of Israel’s Anglo Community, specifically those from North America. The development will have such Anglo-friendly amenities as large master bedrooms, closets (Note to our native Israeli readers: a closet is like a very small room where you can store things!), private parking, dishwashers, big kitchens, and a country club. Yet that’s not all. In order to truly capture the flavor of the typical North American Jewish community, the development will have two Shuls: one Shul that you go to and one Shul that you wouldn’t enter if they were giving out free salmon by the pound. The Daily Freier spoke with lead architect Danny C. to get all the details.

We know how important it is for Canadian and American Jews to have a Shul that they can’t stand, so we proactively opened a synagogue here last month so that we could have it break apart into two rival Shuls just in time for the first homeowners to move in.” Danny continued. “Even though our Housing Development is still under construction, we moved in a Rabbi and his family, along with a Synagogue Board of Directors.  That way, the Board will be able to not renew the Rabbi’s contract next month, and the Rabbi can then form a breakaway Shul just three blocks away and really get a nice bitter communal split going before the first family even moves in!

Danny also explained that the new development makes it possible for homeowners to customize the synagogue they refuse to step foot in. Homeowners will get to choose 3 of the following options, with additional options available at NIS 10,000 apiece:

  • The shul is too big. It’s like you’re in a mall or something.
  • The shul is tiny. It feels like you’re praying in a closet.
  • The building feels dated, like something from the 1970’s.
  • The building looks like a spaceship. It doesn’t even look like a Shul.
  • The Rabbi hardly speaks.
  • The Rabbi won’t stop talking.
  • The Rabbi is a right-wing fascist.
  • The Rabbi is a left-wing idiot.
  • The cantor is quiet as a mouse.
  • The cantor is a giant showboat.
  • The women’s section is a bunch of gossips.
  • The women’s section feels like a morgue.
  • The mincha takes forever.
  • What is this a race? The mincha was over in 5 minutes.
  • My ex in-laws go there.
  • The kiddush doesn’t have enough food.
  • Did you see the portions at the kiddush?
  • Can you believe they called that a kiddush?
  • Don’t get me started on the kiddush.

While prices for the development’s homes vary based on size and location, Danny assured us that your friends will say that you paid way too much.

 

 

 

 

“Hey! Let’s write Fake News about a German guy & his Israeli husband who go on Secret Tel Aviv to get their prudish, legally blind, anti-social dog laid!”

*SPOILER ALERT: Everything in this Story is True.

SCENE: A pub somewhere in Central Tel Aviv. The Daily Freier staff are day-drinking.

Yuval Weiss, Editor:  I’m bored. Let’s make something up. Fake News. You know what would be a great story? A German dancer moves to Tel Aviv.

Mia Deych: OK, but with his Israeli husband.

Aaron Pomerantz: And he has a dog!

Mark Levy: Her name is Sissi! But she hates most other dogs!

Yekutiel Bornstein: Yeah! But Sissi really has a heart of gold! I mean, she is only angry because of her hard-luck upbringing in an American puppy mill. Also, she used to live in Austria.

Lee Saunders: But she is also legally blind. Like, she once attacked a plastic bag that she mistook for another dog.

Chava Ewa: Maybe her owner thinks that Sissi is actually trapped in the wrong body and is really a chain-smoking, whiskey drinking bar brawler. Oh yeah, and he wants to write a book about it.

Mia: But one day she meets the dog of her dreams in Florentin. His name is Haim. And he lives near Levinsky Street.

Emily Goldstein: Yes! But then her owner goes on Secret Tel Aviv to try to find the missed connection!

Yuval: Guys, let’s be serious. People don’t just log onto Secret Tel Aviv in order to arrange romantic hookups for their pets. Wait…. never mind. I guess they do. So where were we?

Aaron: So in order to make this happen, Sissi’s owner supplies the Daily Freier with Glamour Pics! Like for Tinder. Only for Dogs!

Mark: (Scribbling in a notebook) OMG. Tinder for dogs! That is an Amazing idea for a Start-Up!

(Gets up to leave.) I gotta go Beta-Test this.

Yuval: OK Good. I think we have a story. Let’s get chasers.

 

 

 

Outrage after cops disperse Haredi draft dodgers by throwing job applications at them

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 10/19/2017 at 4:00 PM

Bnai Brak: Human rights groups are in an uproar today after Israeli police used extreme measures to break up a mob blocking traffic to protest the jailing of Haredi draft dodgers. With traffic at a standstill, police took the unprecedented step of bombarding the protesters with a combination of job applications, brochures for the Nahal Haredi religious combat unit, and applications for vocational/skills training, and thus forced the rioters to flee in panic. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to get all the facts.

As police continued to disperse the mob and open lanes for traffic, on-scene Commander Mickey S. explained his team’s tactics. “So they kept running into traffic, blocking cars, and annoying our horses. We had no idea what to do. Anyway, after they called us Nazis and Shiksas for about an hour, I had an idea. It was like, I don’t know… what is the one thing that Superman hates? Kryptonite? So what if there was Kryptonite….  for work-shy professional tough guys who only act tough in big groups and when confronting lone female soldiers. And then we remembered the riots last winter. And the idea hit me: Jobs! These guys are scared to death of jobs! So we gathered up a bunch of job applications and started throwing them at the rioters. Worked like magic.

For their part, the protesters were NOT happy. The Daily Freier caught up with one young man named Nahum as he hurried back to study (Ha Ha! Just kidding! He was smoking cigarettes and yelling at cops from a safe distance!). “This was inhuman! They acted like Nazis!” As the Daily Freier rushed to write down Nahum’s statement, he suddenly looked at our notepad. “Wait. Is that a job application? Get that away from me!

As the rioters slowly drifted off, Nahum promised that they would return in even greater numbers tomorrow, just as soon as they checked to see if their monthly educational stipend checks arrived from the Government yet.

 

 

 

Daily Freier sues Orthodox Rabbi planning ‘Yom Kippur in a Bar’ for stealing our dream journal

(Photo Credit: Youtube)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 9/26/2017 at 5:00 PM

Washington, District of Columbia: A prominent local Rabbi was served with a legal summons today, accused by ‘Paper of Record’ the Daily Freier of stealing our dream journal. Rabbi Aaron Potek, leader of the Washington Jewish Community’s “Gather DC” group, is planning to hold Yom Kippur services in a beer garden. Rabbi Potek and former first lady Michelle Obama speechwriter Sarah Hurwitz “will co-host an alternative Yom Kippur service at Sauf Haus Bier Hall and Garten in Washington’s hip Dupont Circle neighborhood”. Which is great and all. Except his ideas bear a suspicious resemblance to theories and concepts first recorded in the Daily Freier’s dream journal and later fleshed out at our weekly staff meeting (also held in a bar, incidentally).  Staff Writer Aaron Pomerantz explains.

All seven writers for the Daily Freier maintain a dream journal by our respective bedsides that we upload daily to our private Whatsapp Group. So he must have gotten ahold of a hard copy or hacked one of our phones. Either that, or he’s been talking to our therapist.

When the Daily Freier asked the Daily Freier just what ramifications this theft of intellectual property would have on current operations, Aaron responded. “We were all set to run a satirical article right before Kol Nidre titled ‘Orthodox Rabbi to host alternative Yom Kippur service in beer garden.’  And the story was going to be amazing, complete with a female Reform Rabbi criticizing the Orthodox Rabbi for the whole thing being a bit too much. [REAL WORLD EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED]. Now, through no fault of our own, we have to scrap a great article…. This happens to us more often than you would think.”

Mr. Pomerantz ended his interview with an “Aaron to Aaron” warning to Rabbi Potek: “The Daily Freier is not afraid to pursue full legal measures in order to protect our brand and our intellectual property. Just ask Judge Rachel Freier.