Tag: Yekutiel Bornstein

Israel adds extra Yom Kippur just for Scooter Riders

“This is your chance to apologize to us.”
(photo credit: Hazel Orpen)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/11/2019 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: In the greatest change to Judaism in centuries, Israel has added an extra Yom Kippur. Yet it’s reserved specifically for scooter riders, because they suck  their actions have posed a unique challenge to 21st Century Israeli society. Specifically: how does one repent for anti-social behavior if a single Yom Kippur is not enough? The Daily Freier walked over to the Tel Aviv Rabbanut to get all of the facts.

 

We were greeted in the Lobby by Yossi, the Rabbanut’s Director of Community Outreach. We asked him exactly what prompted this drastic action. “The rise of the scooter has affected us all.” he explained. “Bird, Lime, whatever. Remember when electric bicycles were the most annoying vehicle on the sidewalk? Good Times.”

The Daily Freier asked Yossi just how the Rabbanut could possibly change the Jewish calendar. “Why not?” he replied. “We have 3 Election Days this year. What’s an extra Kol Nidre?” Yossi thumbed through the Gemara looking for a specific passage.  “This extra Yom Kippur…. it is a chance for you to repent for being such a… how do I say this without committing Lashon Hara?….. for being such a sociopathic ass.

The Daily Freier challenged Yossi, noting that anti-social behavior takes many forms. “You raise a compelling point.” Yossi replied, as he pulled another book from the shelf. “Next year, bzrat HaShem, ‘Extra Yom Kippur’ will also apply to people who play matkot on the beach.”

In the spirit of diversity, Daily Freier will also be accepting repentance from those of you who park on the sidewalk.

 

 

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“Maybe if she votes Lieberman”: Litzman sets terms for Leifer extradition

“Or if she buys the wrong phone”
(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/5/2019 at 8:30 PM

Jerusalem: Israel’s Deputy Health Minister Yaakov Litzman this evening gave specific details of a scenario where he would approve the extradition of accused child molester Malka Leifer to Australia. “Maybe if she voted for Lieberman.”

Ms. Leifer, a former Principal at an Australian school for religious girls, was charged with 74 counts of sexual abuse back in 2008. So the school reacted as any school would react, by purchasing her a short notice airplane ticket to Israel! Since then Ms. Leifer has claimed to be mentally incapable of being extradited to Australia for trial. Yet thanks to some undercover sleuthing, we learned that her mental incapacity is the funky kind where she can still go shopping, talk on the phone, run errands around town, and basically do everything normal people do. Fascinating, huh?

Anyhoo, the case has progressed about as quickly as the queue at an Israeli Post Office on a Thursday afternoon. The court called state mental health experts to testify as to whether Ms. Leifer is mentally competent for extradition. Interestingly enough, some experts who said she was competent then changed their mind and ruled that Ms. Leifer is not competent to stand trial.

Yet, and we really need to stress this, absolutely NONE of this was due to illegal influence or intimidation from Deputy Health Minister Litzman. No way. That’s crazy! Just because he has the power to affect the careers of State Mental Health experts. Or because the police recommended his indictment on this issue for “fraud, breach of trust, and impeachment in testimony.” We’re still not convinced. Besides, Mr. Litzman spelled out multiple scenarios where he would support Leifer’s extradition.

If Malka votes for Lieberman, she can pack her bags.” Mr. Litzman informed the Daily Freier. “Or if she buys a phone with Internet Connectivity. Or, you know, if she breaks Shabbes.

The Daily Freier admonished Minister Litzman that this case and his behavior was turning a lot of average Israelis against him, but he dismissed the charge. “They should thank me! Think of how many new Hilonim that we created with this case!”

BREAKING: Reform Judaism to permit Tallit on Men

(photo credit: Our Friends/Really Good Sports over at Reform Judaism)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 10/2/2019 at 8:20 AM

Cincinnati: Last week’s Conference on Reform Judaism at Hebrew Union College apparently yielded a far-reaching and controversial ruling. Effective immediately, Reform Synagogues will also allow men to wear Tallit! As soon as The Daily Freier found out, we grabbed our funky oversized kippot and flew to Cincinatti for this historical occasion. We almost couldn’t wait until after Rosh Hashana to publish the story, but we somehow found the strength.

We first met with HUC Spokesperson Melissa T. about the big change. “This ruling is truly a symbol of Tikkun Olam. The very act of men now donning Tallit embodies the concept of Tikkun Olam.” The Daily Freier asked if she had anything to add to her statement. “Tikkun Olam!” she replied.

The Daily Freier then spoke to aspiring Rabbi Adam G. “This ruling is a real game changer. I can’t wait to wear tallit in my congregation as a new Rabbi….. I mean, just as soon as I get a passing grade in guitar class.

Results from Israel were swift, with Prime Minister Netanyahu making a strong statement. “My message to American Jews is simple: Regardless of how you feel about today’s ruling, we in Israel stand ready to continue cashing your checks. And when it comes to questions of religious pluralism versus tradition, we in Israel stand ready to continue cashing your checks.

UPDATE: The Reform Movement says it’s “too soon” to speculate whether they will permit Shabbat services without tambourines.

Peter Beinart converts to As-A-Jewdaism

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/22/2019 at 10:00 AM

Brooklyn: Excitement was in the air today as a leading As-A-Jewish pundit took the plunge and embraced the religion of As-A-Jewdaism. Noted critic of Israeli policies Peter Beinart dipped into the mikvah at Brooklyn’s Congregration Gates of Self-Righteousness and became a part of the As-A-Jewish people. The Daily Freier was on the scene to share in the simchas.

As the Congregation waited for the ceremony to begin, machers from the various denominations of As-A-Jewdaism milled about in the Jewish Lobby: Bundists, Julia Carmel Bat Dolezal, IfNotNow, Jew-ish Voice for Peace, and some writers for the Forward.  Then a hush fell on the crowd as Rabbi Ari L. Gold and Mr. Beinart walked into the room. Rabbi Gold welcomed the audience. “This is an amazing day for me As A Jew as we welcome Peter to the religion of As-A-Jewdaism. As a Jew I feel that Peter will be a great addition to our movement.”

The crowd remained silent as they waited for Mr. Beinart’s response.

As a Jew I agree with you!” exclaimed Peter to wild applause.

Peter then gave a moving Dvar Torah, that felt kinda like a laundry list of why he thinks Israel sucks and kinda like a Taylor Swift breakup song. He mentioned Trump a lot. And Bibi of course. Also Marc Lamont Hill’s dreaminess. Honestly, there was a lot to unpack. But eventually he finished and then everyone went downstairs to the Social Hall/Food Co-Op for the reception. The Daily Freier was excited to ask the congregants about their fascinating religion.

You see, As-A-Jewdaism has the same Holy Books as Traditional Judaism, we just interpret them differently.” explained Jesse from IfNotNow. “Also, we use a lot of Yiddish. Because Israelis don’t. And if we don’t know what a cool-sounding Yiddish word actually means, we use it anyway. Like ‘kvelling’. Because As A Jew!”

Honestly, I never thought this would happen so quickly.” enthused Christine from Jew-ish Voice for Peace. “I mean, by converting before the High Holidays, Peter is giving up an incredible opportunity to write one of his “Crisis of the Soul” think-pieces for Haaretz about why some combination of the Kol Nidre service, Ivanka, and Breaking the Silence caused him to make this decision.” Christine lowered her voice to a whisper and moved in closer. “I’m telling you, even the bookies in Las Vegas were shocked by how fast Peter made the switch.

Finally, the Daily Freier was able to talk to the man of the hour, Mr. Beinart. “I just hope that my actions As A Jew send a signal. You know, about my virtue. Oh, and also about the fast-growing religion of As-A-Jewdaism.” The Daily Freier asked Mr. Beinart if the conversion process was difficult. “Honestly, I’ve been on this road for quite a while, so it just felt natural.” Peter paused for a moment and continued. “Best of all, they didn’t make me do another Brit Milah because I was already an insufferable prick.”

Messianics posing as Frum Jews busted after showing up on time to a Simcha

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/17/2019 at 2:30 PM

Chicago, West Rogers Park: The Torah-observant world has been rocked this week by the disturbing news of Messianic Christians infiltrating their community. As reported in Yeshiva World News, “David and Rivkah Castello moved to West Rogers Park in Chicago a few months ago, and they dress, act, and behave like Frum Jews, and daven in local Shuls. Rivkah works as a babysitter for young children in the neighborhood.” David even had his hair in long peyot. Yet despite David and Rivkah’s intense efforts to blend in, alert members of the Community began to detect their deception after the couple vaccinated their kids began to exhibit suspicious behavior like showing up on time to community events. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all the facts.

The Daily Freier first spoke with David’s acquaintance Nachum, to hear his suspicions. “David was perfectly happy davening in any of the local shuls, and he didn’t even have a Shul that he hated so much that he wouldn’t be caught dead there.” Nachum then looked around the room and dropped his voice to a whisper. “Plus, his pants legs were long enough to reach his shoes.

The Daily Freier then spoke with Yankel, who sits next to David in Mincha sometimes. “He kept bragging about his wife’s gefilte fish, which is really weird. But when he said that he was looking forward to Pesach ‘because of all the yummy matzoh‘, I alerted my Rosh Yeshiva. I mean, I also told him that David didn’t know how to unfold a plastic tablecloth.”

Yet if it were not for the keen perception of the Community’s women, David and Rivkah’s deception might have gone undiscovered. “I really liked Rivkah and loved her cooking.” explained neighbor Sarah Shterna. “But when she told me that the soup she served on Shabbat had been in her freezer less than 5 months? Well, something just didn’t feel right. Also, she didn’t start her Pesach cleaning until early March.”

As we spoke to Sarah Shterna, another neighbor heard our conversation and joined in to share her story. “I started to feel uneasy around Purim when we got their mishloach manot and it didn’t have a “theme” or a poem attached.” noted Devorah Leah.  “But then Rivkah showed up to my son’s Bris at 10…. after I told her that it started at 10.”

The Daily Freier asked Devorah Leah about David and Rivkah’s future in the Community. “I’m not sure. The deception really hurt our feelings.” Deborah Leah thought for a moment and continued. “But if they ever try to do this the right way, their level of effort trying to act and look more Jewish than the Jews means they have the potential to be even more annoying than most converts.”

UPDATE: David and Rivkah just got an offer to help run Netanyahu’s social media accounts.

Reform Jew hospitalized after doing whiskey shot each time Rabbi mentioned “Tikkun Olam”

(Please Don’t Try This At Home!)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 12/29/2018 at 5:45 PM

Philadelphia: A member of the Reform Jewish Community is lucky to be alive this evening after engaging in a risky drinking game. Adam G. is currently in stable condition after drinking a shot of Scotch each time the Rabbi at his Reform Temple invoked “Tikkun Olam” during the Shabbat sermon. The Daily Freier spoke with bystanders about this near-tragic event.

I was sitting with Adam in the back of the Sanctuary by that table with all the old issues of Lilith, and things started okay.” explained Adam’s friend Seth. “The Rabbi mentioned the canned food drive, and invoked Tikkun Olam, so Adam took a shot. Fine, whatever. Then the Rabbi kind of got on a roll. When he started talking about Trump, I knew Adam was in trouble. By the time the Rabbi got to his anecdote about meeting Beto O’Rourke at the Austin Rally for Justice, Adam was slurring his words. When the Rabbi started talking about the Fair-Trade Hummus at his Food Co-Op, Adam was on the floor. I started CPR, and everyone sang Bim-Bam until the paramedics arrived.”

According to Adam’s friend Lisa, this sort of risky behavior should not have been a surprise. “Ever since Adam was kicked out of Hebrew Union College Rabbinic School for failing guitar class, he’s been on a bit of a downward spiral. I guess we should have seen this coming.

According to sources close to Adam, he is “totally done” with the Tikkun Olam Drinking challenge. But tomorrow afternoon he intends to read The Forward and do a Bong Hit every time Peter Beinart starts a sentence with As a Jew.

 

 

OMG I’m DYING to hear about your spiritual trip to Tzfat!

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 12/12/2018 at 12:15 PM

Tzfat: OMG OMG OMG you have GOT to tell us about your visit to Tzfat! I know you’re probably shy about this, because so far you’ve only discussed it with your Mom, your class Whatsapp Group, the guy at the Post Office, and your friend at the gym. But try to tell the story just one more time!

So did you walk down a hidden passageway and meet a cute girl or guy playing guitar on a bench? That’s so Crazy, right? OK, can I see your photos? Were you able to get a picture of the Na Nach Nachman guys dancing around their van? Only in Israel! How about some cool graffiti! Or, and this is a long-shot, but did you get any pictures of cats in a cobblestone alley? You know what? I bet you could totally live there year-round! You should try it!

Wait, did you attend a Kaballah lecture, and then later that night have an experience that you can’t quite explain? Quick question: were you baked at the time?

This is going to be even better than your Midburn stories!

 

Jerusalem Syndrome victim rushed to Tel Aviv for emergency dose of pretentious self-involvement

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/29/2018 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem, Church of the Holy Sepulchre: A man was airlifted to Tel Aviv yesterday with only moments to spare after suffering from an acute attack of “Jerusalem Syndrome“. You see, Jerusalem tends to drive people nuts. And not just “OMG This is such an A-Ma-Zing party city! We can even drink beer in the Shuk!”  No, we’re talking “I believe I am a Central Character from a Major World Religion and I intend to dress the part. Footwear optional.”

So when a barefoot bearded man wearing a white robe started hanging around the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, authorities were immediately suspicious. And as he got more and more “in-character”, paramedics were on alert. Finally, as he began to quote the Book of Revelation, the man was ushered out the door to a waiting helicopter. Yair S., one of the paramedics on board, explained.

We were going to rush him to Tel Aviv on the High-Speed Rail, but we needed to arrived some time that day, so we decided to airlift him instead. And by the time we got him to the chopper, he was quickly fading and we knew we only had moments to put him on the path to being a shallow and self-absorbed Tel Avivian. So as my partner placed a pair of stupid sunglasses on his face and a bluetooth in his ear, I braided his hair into a man-bun. By the time we reached Icholov, he was stabilized. Thankfully, his beard was just fine as-is.

The Daily Freier was able to visit Icholov Hospital’s state-of-the-art “De-Jerusalemization Chamber“, where the man was currently under treatment. Dr. Chaim T. described the man’s progress. “So we have him on a steady diet of Cafe hafuch, freshly squeezed juice, and muesli from that place on Dizengoff. And I must say, he’s making great progress. Just an hour ago, he told me that he’s ‘an influencer’. With any luck, by next week he will be voting Meretz.” Doctor Chaim then peered into the chamber and jumped with excitement. “Good news! Good news! He just went onto Secret Tel Aviv to try to get laid!

UPDATE: As the story went to print, Icholov Hospital proudly announced that the man had moved to Florentin and now claims to be a graffiti artist. Also, he now blogs from a nearby vegan coffee shop and is collaborating on an app that helps you procure a medical marijuana prescription for your dog.

 

 

Jerusalem bakery shut down after roaches in display case caught breaking Shabbos

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 11/28/2018 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem, Derech Yafo: Last week, the Jerusalem Post reported that a customer visiting a Jerusalem Branch of the Maafe Ne’eman bakery posted a video of cockroaches running along a plate of borekas in the display case and the clerk on duty refusing to throw it away. But from there, the story took a very disturbing turn. The video also provided concrete proof that the roaches in question had repeatedly violated Shabbos! Yes, it appears that the cockroaches spent much of the Sabbath on Social Media, and reportedly were seen planning a Saturday trip to the Dead Sea. The City Health Department moved quickly to shut the business down, and reaction from their customers was swift.

The Daily Freier spoke with local Yeshiva student Nachum C. “Insects walking on the borekas gevinas? Whatever. No big deal. But when I found out that those roaches turn the lights of their display case off on Friday night before they go to bed? Well I’m finished at that shop forever!”

I can accept a certain number of roaches in my food. I mean, I was in the Army, right?” explained Har Nof resident Yossi R. “But they also text on Shabbat? That was too much.” Yossi then lowered his voice to a conspiratorial level and moved closer to us. “Also, I heard that the roaches sometimes eat over at that Shawarma place around the corner with a hechsher that I don’t like.”

According to Maafe Ne’eman’s company website, they are busy steam-cleaning the store’s display case and the roaches are now attending remedial classes at a local Yeshiva for At-Risk Youth.

 

 

Aryeh Deri adds Shabbat Elevator to Ramle Prison’s budget request

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/24/2018 at 11:00 PM

Ramle Prison: Officials at this Central Israel Correctional Institution were pleasantly surprised today when they learned that they’ve been granted an improvement to their facilities. Member of Knesset Aryeh Deri (Shas) added a Line Item to their annual budget request, granting funds to install a Shabbat Elevator. Such a device allows religiously observant people to save time and energy by taking an elevator while not violating the laws of Shabbat. The Daily Freier spoke with prison spokesperson Yoni D.

We are very thankful for Minister Deri’s assistance. This addition to our physical plant will make life easier for those prisoners who are Shomre Shabbat, and will add to the overall quality of life……but to be honest, nobody in our Accounting & Budget Office can remember actually asking for this. Does he know something we don’t know?

In unrelated news, Mr. Deri was seen recently asking Former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert if he had a favorite cell block when he was at Ramle, and which days of the week were best to visit the Prison commissary.