By Yekutiel Bornstein
Last Updated 2/13/2023 at 5:00 PM
Jerusalem, The Dung Gate: With inter-communal tension in Israel on the rise, police today prevented a potentially serious escalation in Jerusalem’s Old City. A Reform Jewish activist aroused the suspicion of Police as he attempted to enter the Western Wall Plaza. When police searched his WGBH Boston totebag, they discovered a tambourine
and some Debbie Friedman bootlegs. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all the facts.
As the suspect was led away in handcuffs, the Daily Freier asked security personnel just what aroused their suspicion. A police spokesman named Assaf answered our questions. “We get a lot of Jerusalem Syndrome here, but this was different. When we asked the suspect what he was doing at the Kotel, he mentioned Tikkun Olam. A lot. He really mentioned Tikkun Olam a lot.”
The Daily Freier then asked Assaf about the suspect’s current state of health and welfare. “At first he was very upset and refused to stop singing ‘Bim Bam’ again and again.” Assaf explained. “But we gave him some back issues of Tikkun Magazine and a nice carob cake. He seems happy.“
The Daily Freier then contacted Jerusalem’s Hebrew Union College and asked if they had anything to do with today’s disturbance. A faculty member named “Rabbi Danny” disputed our line of questioning. “These stereotypes have got to stop. You act like Reform Rabbis walk around barefoot in Shul all day when we’re not busy composting. This simply is not True.“ **
News of the arrest spread like wildfire throughout Israel. “This meddling by so-called Reform Jews is unacceptable and an insult to our Community.” fumed a spokesperson for the United Torah Judaism Party. “Now if you will excuse me, we need to block the extradition of an accused sex offender to Australia.“
As the article went to press, the entire Rabbinical Class from HUC was standing outside of the police station holding candles and singing “Shalom Rav” while some of the students played the guitar.
** Real World Alert: We did in fact visit a Shul where the Rabbi wasn’t wearing any shoes. But in fairness, he was Masorti. Zero points awarded for guessing that this happened in Tel Aviv.