Tag: Israel

Tel Aviv Living, Yom Ha'atzmaut

A Tel Aviv Girl Wears a Sweater-Vest? No Way!
Vest Wishes Israel!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 22 April 2026 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Are the History books trolling us? Is it a conspiracy? Our friend Romi C, a mom of 3 from Modi’in, was looking for historical photos of Yom HaAtzmaut (Israeli Independence Day) to show her kids and was quite shocked at what she found. “This must be fake. This photo is supposed to be young people in Tel Aviv outside of a movie theater, but they’re dressed strangely. Nobody has piercings or tattoos.” she exclaimed.

Romi explained her interest in Israeli History. “We’re a very Zionist family, you know.” Romi emphasized. “We made Aliyah a long time ago when there were real hardships. You know, before they had Ziplocs in Osher Ad and before Amazon shipped here.“

We sat with Romi and examined other well-known historical photos of Tel Aviv that we found in history books. “That’s a photo of the beach in Tel Aviv? Why is everyone dressed like they’re going to a Bar Mitzvah?” she remarked .”More importantly, where are all the dogs???“

Where’s the Bar Mitzvah?

With photos showing Tel Aviv residents in long skirts, button-up shirts, and long pants, the evidence was undeniably clear: either Tel Aviv was a Haredi city in the late 1940’s or someone was using AI on these photos from 77 years ago!

Iran War 2026, The Israel Barbie Collection

Israeli Barbie: Missile Shelter Edition!

Well it was quite a month here in Wartime Tel Aviv, and we at the Daily Freier have a lot to tell you. Roxy Cruz is our resident designer of The Daily Freier’s product line of Israeli Barbies to include the Hamas-Gaza War Barbie Collection, the Covid Barbie Collection, and our Startup Nation Barbie Collection. Now she is back with her Brand New Collection of Missile Shelter Barbies, with some honorable assistance by our Tel Aviv Living Editor Aaron Pomerantz, who purposely went to new shelters to collect weirdos. So Behold, The Daily Freier’s newest Barbies!

Ken Idan: Single, 32 years old. Tall for an Israeli guy, dark hair that will fall in 3 years, beard, Birkenstocks. Works in a low-level clerical job at a high-tech company. He is the default Israeli boyfriend. Nice, cool, reads manifestation books, and claims to practice yoga. Uses spirituality as a marketing tool to attract girls. Tells people about a psychedelic experience he had in Peru that changed his life, but forgets to tell them that the experience was only him having a massive case of diarrhea and talking to his deceased grandmothers who were asking for their Tupperware back. Always has an AM:PM 35 Shekel bottle of wine handy in case some girl says yes to him coming over to her mamad.

Barbie Gila: Single, 31 years old. Cosmetician. Always with her friend Sarit, who is also a cosmetician. Calls everyone “mamush” and “motek”. Almost as aggressive and territorial as her dog, a pinscher named Versace, and believes she has a chair that only she can sit on at the miklat. Used to be engaged to Yossi, but they broke up after her brother Tzahi scammed him for 250,000 Shekels and he left her to think about life in Thailand, where he came back married to Alice. Thinks she is very fancy and sophisticated with her white wine and fake designer bags. Inseparable from Sarit, who rolls her eyes every time someone tries to speak to them.

Barbie Miriam the Brazilian Single: Miriam is 28 years old and owns 11 shirts of Brazil to make sure people know where she is from… but men don’t care and women don’t talk to her anyways. Men come up and speak to her in Spanish, she tells them that she speaks Portuguese, and then they say they know because they learned Portuguese when they visited Argentina. Always smiling, always happy, and men are always so nice to her. She’s 2 years away from becoming a real Israeli after finding out those guys are only interested in her arepa. But arepas are from Venezuela.

Barbie Shulamit:  Goes to the miklat with a small radio, shouting live disasters and where the missiles and shrapnel fell. “It is in Florentin now.” “Took an entire building down in Petach Tikva”. Comes accompanied by a foreign caretaker who is totally horrified so she has a nervous smile all the time. 

Barbie Yochevet: A 49 year old Barbie who is suspected to sleep in jeans, considering how she appears in the miklat within minutes in an absolutely collected outfit and combed hair. Always carrying a bag containing her belongings and passport, in case we get rescued like Private Ryan.

Ken Ori and Barbie Osnat: A couple in their 40’s who have 5 children and haven’t been to a party in 7 years. So in order not to traumatize the children in the miklat, they turned it into a Midburn camp where the kids can lay on mattresses, drink wine, drink beer, and watch football. 

Barbie Dorit:  Looks at everyone entering the miklat and evaluates their fashion. Looks people up and down, judging them and why they are still wearing pajamas at 11:00 AM.

Ken Yaki: A 58 year old divorced high-tech guy with no children. Counts the “booms” out loud like nobody can hear it. He is a Missile Sommelier, telling everyone, by the intensity, speed and noise, if it is from Iran, Hezbollah, Hamas or if it is just a door that closed somewhere. Incredibly unhelpful to the anxiety of Barbie Alice: a foreign woman married to Ken Yossi for 5 months and new at the Middle East rodeo. She thinks we are all going to die every time and already enters the miklat crying. Ken Yossi lost his shid with Ken Yaki and wanted to whip him with one of the fairy light cables of Ken Ori and Barbie Osnat’s Midburn, but chilled out after he was offered a beer and a pill from Barbie Roxy’s collection.

Barbie Roxy:  Alternating between clean pajamas for 5 weeks. Heavily medicated. Took a blue pill she found in a drawer. Praying, yet also drinking. Studying Kabbala for self-improvement but does not rule out exorcism. 

* Special thanks to local reporter E.Jas for superb reporting from the field!

Jerusalem, Judaism, Our "Cousins"

Top Ten Mistakes Made By Palestinian Burglar Disguised as Haredi Guy

So they arrested a Palestinian for stealing computer equipment from a shop in Jerusalem’s Ma’alot Dafna neighborhood. But get this, he was disguised as a Haredi man, which is kinda CULTURAL APPROPRIATION, isn’t it? Anyhoo, according to News Reports, the man was “behaving suspiciously” before he was busted with stolen license plates, burglary tools, and the purloined merchandise. But the Daily Freier wanted to know more about how our “Cousin” messed up his disguise. In order to get to the bottom of this mystery, we dispatched our Almost-Back-on-the-Derech Reporter Yekutiel Bornstein and our Greater Jerusalem/Shomron Bureau Chief Chava Ewa to the scene of the crime. So behold: “Top Ten Mistakes That Busted The Palestinian Burglar Disguised as Haredi Guy”:

1. Never asked the Cops if they do Daf Yomi with Eli Stefansky.

2. He refused a cup of water during Interrogation “because plastic cups are bad for the environment“.

3. Was found with a bottle of “fancy” Coca Cola and not RC Cola.

4. Managed to get through a sentence without saying “Baruch HaShem” three times.

5. His shirt was ironed.

6. He wasn’t carrying a plastic bag.

7. His phone was manufactured after 2002.

8. A search of his pockets did not reveal 4 borekas from a Simcha wrapped in a napkin.

9. He wasn’t looking at the ground as he walked.

10. His pants weren’t hemmed 3 inches above his ankle.

11. He said he was going to work.

Mossad, Operation Epic Fury, Top 10

Top Ten Signs That Israel Is About To Blow Up Your Staff Meeting

1. There’s a red dot on the wall but nobody has a laser pointer.

2. Why did the tea lady just call you “Mami”?

3. Your new IT guy insisted on working from home today.

4. The security guard is snacking on Hamantaschen.

5. Conference room is reserved for “Soleimani Reunion 2026”.

6. You open Bluetooth and see “Dudu’s burner phone”.

7. The felafel guy gave you a free Apple Air Tag with your order.

8. Bird on the windowsill is tweeting Hatikvah.

9. You sneeze and a man in the heating ducts says “LeBriyut!”.

10. Photographer for the group picture wants you to stand on some red and white concentric circles.

Operation Epic Fury, Top 10

Top Ten Other Times That The Iranian News Anchor Cried On Live TV

1. Zayn quit One Direction
2. NBC didn’t renew Freaks & Geeks
3. Candace Owens tried to pronounce “anecdote”
4. Barbra Streisand announced her Goodbye Tour
5. “That” scene in The Crying Game
6. Last year’s Finale of The Bachelor
7. Kim told Khloe that Tristan cheated on her
8. Bruce Willis died at the end of Armageddon
9. Bennifer broke up for the second time
10. Trump called Rosie O’Donnel fat

"The Squad", Hamas

IDF Finds Hamas Tunnel Under Ilhan Omar’s Gaza Daycare Center
“Some People Leared Something”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2 January 2026 at 2:35 PM

Rafah: Combat Engineers working in concert with elements of the Golani Brigade announced the discovery of a Hamas Tunnel under the City’s “Quality Learing Center“. The Daycare Center is part of a franchise operated by Representative Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Mogadishu) that receives funding from the State of Minnesota and has been open since 2021. The Daily Freier reported from today’s IDF Conference about the discovery.

“Our troops were forced to move slowly, as we overestimated the number of Hamas terrorists in the tunnels.”  explained IDF Spokesman Captain Ron C. “You see, our Intelligence Unit counted both Ilhan Omar’s ‘husbands’ and ‘brothers’ without understanding that there’s a bit of overlap. But the lack of any actual kids in the Daycare Center made the operation easier.”

Representative Omar reacted swiftly to the accusations, writing on Twitter “Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” (Haha! Just kidding! But not really!)

For his part, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz blamed the political fallout over the tunnels on “White Supremacy.” (Haha, just kidding again! But not really!)

Music fans were relieved to learn that famed musician/activist/dick Roger Waters emerged unhurt from the tunnel.

 

BDS, Top 10

Cameron Kasky’s Top Ten Excuses for Visiting Israel

So Jerry Nadler is retiring from Congress and Hashem has a sense of humor. Because an even more annoying Jew-ish person is running for his vacant seat. Cameron Kasky’s brand is basically being a less-accomplished version of Mamdani, only kinda Jewish. And he HATES Israel. So imagine our surprise when journalist Eliana Goldin cold busted him at Ben Gurion Airport wearing a Covid mask and trying to be incognito! Then, in a fit of bravery, he accused Eliana of being a “narc“! Does he think that she’s his mean Freshman Dorm RA or something? But we here at the Daily Freier just KNOW that Cam had to have a good reason to run the BDS gauntlet and visit Altneuland. Because if he didn’t, that would make him kind of a hypocrite. So behold: Cameron Kasky’s Top Ten Excuses for Visiting Israel!


1. My HMO assigned me to Doctor Shakshuka.             

2. Jewish Voice for Peace told me that Sukkot is this week.       

3. Muhammad El-Kurd said there’s a really chill hookah bar in Ramallah where he “keeps it on the DL”.

4. Wanted a free trip with Taglit but they banned me after “the hummus incident” in Williamsburg.

5. Zohran asked me to “take lots of pictures” of Army bases, bus terminals, and ports.

6. Really wanted to see the Bernie Sanders statue on Frishman Beach.

7. Ilhan wants to open a Daycare Center in Jenin and asked me to look at some Real Estate.

8. Needed some talking points for Tucker’s show next week.

9. Rashida dared me to tape $50,000 in non-sequential bills to my body and deliver it to her Uncle in Nablus.

10. Honestly, I thought I would get away with it.

Chanukah, The Jooz

Tucker Carlson Tells the Story of Chanukah
באנו טאקר לגרש

In the coming days we will be informed that we need to celebrate a certain Holiday. A holiday called “Chanukah”. Spinning tops, fried food, some presents. What’s not to like? And that’s EXACTLY how the people who packaged this so-called Holiday want you to think. Because their Greatest Fear is that YOU, the American People, will “peek behind the curtain.” Start asking Questions. Start doing your OWN research about what ACTUALLY happens BEHIND the scenes at the Chanukah Lobby. And that FEAR on their part tells you more than any slickly produced Infomercial about “The Festival of Lights”. So let’s look at the facts.

There’s a King named Antiochus. A Strong Leader from Syria that some Jews don’t like. Sound familiar? What EVIL plots does this man Antiochus want to hatch upon the Jews? War? Famine? Genocide??? No, Antiochus wants to encourage physical fitness in Greek Gymnasiums. Some of the people there exercise naked. Not my idea of a Saturday night, but what do I know? But this offends some powerful Jews. And these powerful Jews with names like “Mattathias” and “Judah Maccabee” don’t like being offended. 

So how do these easily offended Jewish powerbrokers react? Do they call for dialogue? Do they look for common ground? No, they embark on another Israel-inspired regime change war in the Middle East. They don’t claim to have a Mandate to pursue this war… and No Honest person suggests they COULD get one. Because the people who actually WANTED this war never actually admitted their true agenda: Ending Religious Pluralism in the Holy Land. No longer can you sacrifice a pig in the “Holy of the Holies”. But why not? Was there a vote that I missed? No, because that would have exposed the TOTAL UNWILLINGNESS of the people PUSHING this war to find a peaceful solution. They knew they could not win the debate honestly. So they changed the premise. Now we’re talking about armored Syrian war elephants. WAR ELEPHANTS!!! It would be absurd if wasn’t so serious.

But that’s the Agenda that was forced upon us by an unaccountable cabal of powerful forces. So how do they justify this power grab? They find some oil. And that oil lasts a really long time apparently. I mean, Case Closed, right?

This weekend when you’re “chowing down” on a jelly doughnut you need to ask yourself: “Who wants me to eat this doughnut? And why do they so DESPERATELY want me to eat it without asking questions?”

Tune in next week when I explore healthy Middle Eastern diets by tossing The Emir of Qatar’s salad.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, BDS

“They made me hang out in Ashdod!” Greta Thunberg describes torture by IDF
“Do I have the Right of Return you this Sandwich?”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2017 at 5:00 PM

Ashdod: The International Community was in an uproar today as Greta Thunberg communicated to the Outside World from The Zionist Entity about just what sorts of torture she was being subjected to. Specifically, Ms. Thunberg has been sent to Ashdod, which is worse than Afula a city 40 kilometers south of Tel Aviv. We were able to speak to Greta as she juggled Zoom calls from CNN, Al Jazeera, and a visibly smitten Piers Morgan.

“OK this place sucks.” complained Ms. Thunberg as she tried in vain to find a cool place in town to get drinks tonight. “This place actually gives me FOMO for Rishon LeZion.” The Daily Freier asked Greta to describe her impression of Ashdod in one sentence. Ms. Thunberg thought for a moment, deleted 4 unread texts from Peter Beinart, and replied: “It’s like Ashkelon without the crazy nightlife.“

The Daily Freier asked Ms. Thunberg if there were any redeeming qualities to her newfound place of temporary residence. “So I was really excited when I found out about the Philistine Museum in Ashdod.” Greta noted. “But it was a total rip-off. Nothing about Marwan Barghouti, nothing about the Sinwar Brothers, nothing about Me. It was just a bunch of stupid Exhibits about some Idiots who showed up on Boats from Greece.” Ms. Thunberg looked into the distance for a moment deep in thought. “Wait a second….”

Searching for answers, The Daily Freier contacted Ashdod Municipality and spoke to a friendly lady named Sapir. “That girl complains about everything, even the sandwich she got from the IDF. I mean, it’s still better than the Food in Ben Gurion Terminal One!” The Daily Freier asked Sapir if the City has any contingency plans in case Greta continues to complain. “Normally in Ashdod, we just send our problems to Beit Shemesh on a wagon driven by Oxen.“

As the Daily Freier prepared to publish the story, we got a WhatsApp message from Ms. Thunberg asking us if we knew about “any good clubs in Modiin“.

Hezbollah, Top 10

Iran Ambassador’s Top Ten Excuses for having Hezbollah Pager

Imagine our surprise when, Boom, the Iranian Ambassador’s pager blew up and took out one of his eyes yesterday (Dayenu!). Because it doesn’t even make sense. I mean, Hezbollah is an organic Lebanese Resistance Movement. So when Israel blew up its pagers, we were like, ‘Hey, why does Iran have one of Hezbollah’s pagers? They’re not Lebanese!’ But despite the lack of logic of it all, the Daily Freier has soldiered through and delivered you this Cornucopia of random ideas that ran through our head. So Behold: Iranian Ambassador  to Lebanon Mojtaba Amani’s Top Ten Excuses for having a Hezbollah pager.

1) I need Up-To-The-Minute Alerts about when Travis Kelce is going to propose to and/or break up with Taylor Swift

2) Sometimes they need an extra guy to make Minyan.

3) My wife took away my iPhone after she caught me in Mohammed El Kurd’s DM’s.

4) I was putting together an outfit for an 80’s Night.

5) Was listening to Biggie Smalls and just wanted to Keep It Real.

6) Kind of Obsessed with Nino Brown in New Jack City right now.

7) I was getting easily distracted by the Snake game on my 2001 Nokia phone.

8) Threw away my Samsung Galaxy because Robert Malley kept sexting me.

9) The Ayatollah chastised me for my old phone’s Matisyahu ringtone.

10) I am part of a criminal regime that has taken over  Yemen, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon in order to fight Israel to the last Arab.