Tag: Israel

HaShem: I created IfNotNow to show the World that Jews can also be Idiots

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/16/2019 at 11:45 AM

Gan Eden: Today HaShem/G-d/The One Who Created the Universe shared news that was both shocking and kinda made sense: that (Preferred Pronoun) created IfNotNow in order to convince the Gentiles that Jews are also capable of being complete idiots. You see, IfNotNow is the Woke Jewish Left’s answer to a question that none of us really asked. Or a secret plan to make Jewish Voice for Peace seem a bit less nuts. Anyhoo, IfNotNow has created a new generation of Woke Jewish Leadership that has bravely called out such “Pro-Occupation, Pro-Kahanist” Israelis as….ummm….Sarah Tuttle-Singer. So in order to hear all about this first-hand, The Daily Freier spoke with HaShem today via Skype from somewhere in the South Pacific where Shabbat has already ended.

The problem is that I’ve created some amazing ones: Einstein, RGB, Sandy Koufax, Golda, Maimonides.” explained HaShem as (don’t forget to add a pronoun here) lazily worked on a new species of marsupials. “Heck even my goofy concepts like Rabbi Shmuley or Geraldo Rivera…. at the end of the day they’re still basically smart, level-headed people. So I needed a creation that says to the world ‘Hey: Jews aren’t so special. They can also be complete simpletons who are so Woke that they get mad at Israel for attacking Hamas without mentioning that Hamas just fired missiles out of the blue at Tel Aviv.’ Know what I’m saying?” [Editors Note: The missile alert also forced the author of this piece to have awkward conversations in the hallway with that neighbor downstairs who we never see for months at a time.]

The Daily Freier then asked the Tetragrammaton when (Concept that exists outside the limits of Time and Space. But with Masculine and Feminine Aspects) first came up with the concept of a clique of Woke Jewish Dorks with their own Twitter handle. “Well at first it was just a side project a few years back while I was tinkering with a new strain of romaine lettuce. But then I remembered that in the Talmud it says ‘And there shall be an Army of kids who went to NYU and are still mad at their parents/therapists. And verily I shall find the most Basic ones from among them to be their leaders’….OK OK I never really said that. But I could have if I wanted to. So there, I just said it. Write that down. Baruch Hashem!…..Wait….Can I say that? Is that a bit cocky?

The Daily Freier asked Adonai if it’s checked IfNotNow’s Twitter feed lately, so the YudHeyVavHey  scrolled through (whatever possessive pronoun offends you the least) iPhone. “Wow…..just wow….OK that’s really dumb. Maybe I should have just brought back mastodons. Everybody loves mastodons.”

As Hashem left to prepare the world for the week to come, the Daily Freier asked what lay ahead in the future for IfNotNow. “Who knows, maybe they will move to Israel after their Woke “Allies” inevitably turn on them some time in the year Two Thousand and…..”. Then our Skype call got disconnected.

 

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First Time Ever! Meretz now campaigning east of Ayalon Highway!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/27/2019 at 4:00 PM

Givatayim: In a move being described as “Bold”, and “Game-Changing”, the Meretz Party has begun campaigning for votes East of Tel Aviv’s Ayalon Highway. The Kinda Lefty party, long known for absolutely dominating entire Tel Aviv neighborhoods, has decided that a good way to campaign in a national Israeli election is to go out and talk to people who live in…. Israel. The Daily Freier caught up with Meretz volunteers Assaf and Dalit as they wandered around Givatayim handing out literature.

It’s time that Meretz reached out to the Periphery.” said Assaf. “We need to find the people who live in Distant Settlements like here in Givatayim, and who knows, maybe even Ramat Gan!”

The Daily Freier asked Assaf and Dalit just what precipitated this unorthodox move by Meretz.

The 2015 Election was just such a shock.” Dalit explained. “I mean, nobody I know voted for Bibi, so how could he win? It made no sense. But then we thought, wow, maybe there are people who live in other neighborhoods. And maybe we could, I don’t know, talk to them. Crazy, right?

Assaf talked about just how difficult the process has been to work in a new environment. “I can’t find Haaretz anywhere, and I just saw this guy walking around with a weird cap on his head. I think it’s called a….wait….I know this…..”

A Kippah?” offered the Daily Freier helpfully

Yes! That’s it! A Kippah! But I think we’re really making progress.”

Dalit then described other challenges they face trying to expand the reach of Meretz. “Last week Assaf and I did some amazing outreach in Holon. We must have signed up 50 people to our e-mail list. But then on Shabbat, Tamar made these very…. special…. brownies and now I can’t remember where I put my clipboard with all the names.”

As we got up to leave, Assaf asked us if we had any rolling papers.

Top Ten Surprises from Israel’s Moon Base

  1. Non-stop Matkot Games really ruined the vibe at Sea of Tranquility.
  2. Monthly resupply shuttle delayed again by Waze.
  3. Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s heartwarming blog posts about the juice guy at the Space Shuk.
  4. Mechitza running down the middle of the Geodesic Dome is really inconvenient.
  5. Astronaut burns out satellite-relay after calling her mom in Hadera 6 times in one day.
  6. Code Red Emergency after Fax Machine runs out of paper.
  7. Patrol still missing 2 days after leaving perimeter “to find the moon’s best hummus place”.
  8. Can somebody do something about these annoying electric lunar scooters?
  9. Tamar Zandberg sure is spending a lot of time in the greenhouse module.
  10. Nobody knows when Shabbat ends.

Jeremy Corbyn reviews the new Eichmann Movie

(photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today we look at the newly released film “Operation Finale“, the sad tale of a rogue nation taking so-called justice into its own hands. This movie recounts the story of Israel’s illegal and extra-judicial kidnapping of Adolph Eichmann from Argentina, a lovely country that is also home to the Malvina Islands. Apparently, Mr. Eichmann had some sort of role in the Holocaust. Now let me say clearly that the Holocaust was a tragedy (although truth be told some of my friends in Hamas whom I have hosted for tea would agree to disagree. Also, they would have put quote marks around the word “Holocaust.”) Yet Israel’s all-too-familiar use of force was to compound a tragedy with a tragedy, much like America’s illegal execution of one Mr. Bin Laden (Real World Non-Satire Alert: He Really Really said this about the death of Bin-Laden). Truly, if Mr. Eichmann were in fact guilty of a crime, why not simply notify the nearest Argentinian constabulary?

The movie depicts the commendable efforts Mr. Eichmann had made to open himself up to other cultures, to include learning the local language, and adopting the lovely Spanish name of “Ricardo Klement.” And in a singular act of proletarian solidarity, he took the bus to work every day. Yet Mr. Eichmann’s earnest attempts at multiculturalism failed to impress the Mossad, which took upon itself the task of kidnapping him and trundling him off to “Israel” for trial. And if being kidnapped by the Mossad wasn’t unpleasant enough already, Eichmann then had to fly on EL AL..

Israel then tried and executed Eichmann, another sad tally on its list of victims. Just to add insult to injury, Israel then spread his ashes in the sea, precluding any future graveside memorials, like the wreath that I specifically did NOT lay at the grave of Black September activists.

Now you may scoff at my review. You may even accuse me of willful ignorance. Yet remember this: it’s still not as dumb as what Hannah Arendt wrote about the Eichmann trial.

Experts alarmed after Israeli builds gun using 3-D Faxing Technology

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 8/9/2018 at 6:15 PM

Tel Aviv: Security experts are in a state of alarm today after an Israeli man successfully built a gun using a 3-D Fax Machine. Tel Aviv inventor Udi R. posted a YouTube video last night demonstrating how he built a 9MM pistol using the controversial “3-D Fax Technology“. While the rest of the world sort of “moved on” from Fax machines some time around the final season of “Sex and the City“, here in Start-Up Nation the fax machine is still humming along and is often the only way a government office will accept documents!  In fact, Israelis have found many versatile uses for the fax machine, so it only makes sense that someone would use it to build a 3-D gun. The Daily Freier spoke with Udi about his newfound notoriety.

The Fax machine has fascinated me, ever since the city building inspector accused me of not living in my apartment as we spoke…in my apartment.” explained Udi as we sipped Kafe Kar in a North Tel Aviv cafe. “Then I faxed my lease to his office and he was happy and left me alone after that. So I thought to myself… This device? It’s magical! It can do anything! And then I started working on building a 3-D Fax.

Experts voiced their concerns about Udi’s invention, with American gun control groups calling for a ban on 3-D faxes, once they are able to find a working fax machine.

Udi says his next project is to fax himself a 200 gram block of decent cheese from Europe that doesn’t cost 80 Shekels.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Come to my party in Haifa! Just take this bus, then walk up 100 steps, then take another bus! Then walk down 200 steps. Then take a sherut. Then walk up 20 more steps!!!

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/6/2018 at 11:25 PM

Haifa: Dude you won’t believe how chill the vibe is up here in Haifa! Way more relaxed than Tel Aviv. Haifa is real, man. You gotta come check it out. And guess what? I’m having a party this Thursday! You wanna come up? It’s so easy. Just take the train up, then walk to the buses. Take the bus up the hill past the Bahai Garden. Then get out, turn left, then walk up 200 steps. You’ll pass a kebab place, and right next to it is the bus stop. Take any bus headed Northbound, and get off after 3 stops. Make sure you don’t branch off toward the Technion. So when you get off, walk to the roundabout with the old olive tree in the middle and take your third exit. You’ll see some steps. You only need to go halfway, so don’t take all 40 steps. Anyways, you’ll see a sherut stand. Ask the driver to drop you off at the old factory. He will know exactly what you’re talking about. So when you get off at the factory, walk across the street, then walk up the three flights of steps until you see an old man. Ask him to point you toward the street with the…..Hey, where are you  going??? Don’t you want to come to my party?

Natalie Portman’s new film set in a Parallel Universe where Natalie Portman doesn’t say dumb sh*t

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/4/2018 at 2:15 PM

Hollywood: Critics and audiences are raving about the new Sci-Fi hit starring Natalie Portman. The Film titled “Being De-Woked“, is set in a reality where Natalie Portman does not feel the need to constantly make statements about current events that make Snooki sound like Margaret Thatcher. In the film, the Israeli Government notices that Hollyweird is turning Natalie dangerously “Woke“,  so they dispatch a crack team of time-traveling Frechot Commandos (names: Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav) to find Natalie in the year 2008, kidnap her, and bring her to a secret Mossad laboratory in the Mojave Desert where she undergoes a controversial “De-Wokeification” process, thus preventing the current reality of a “Woke” Natalie from ever taking place. (Spoiler Alert: the mission is almost compromised when Roni diverts the Time Machine so she can visit the Duty-Free at LAX).

(We’re published over on Israellycool today. Check us out!)