Ladies and Gentlemen, the finest 6 minutes of cinema in the history of …. cinema: “American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 years.”
Ladies and Gentlemen, the finest 6 minutes of cinema in the history of …. cinema: “American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 years.”
By Yekutiel Bornstein
Last Updated 5/28/2017 at 5:30 PM
Ramat Aviv: In a move described as “bold” and “daring“, the Ashkenazi Community purchased the rights to the Mimouna Holiday from the Mizrachi Community today. According to the one page flyer that they stuck in the little wooden box on the front of your seat in synagogue, the move has been planned since right after Passover, and was finalized to coincide with the arrival of Shavuot this week. Mimouna, the post-Passover Holiday celebrated by North African Jews, is known for its plentiful food and colorful costumes. And the Ashkenazim vow not to change anything. Except they’re going to make the food a bit blander and easier to digest. And the music is going to be toned down a bit. Especially after 10 PM. Also we’re going to need to make the music slower. And maybe add a fiddle. The Daily Freier stopped by Ashkenazi World Headquarters in Ramat Aviv to get the whole Megillah on this dramatic turn of events.
“We’ve always admired Mimouna.” explained Ashkenazi World Spokeswoman Miriam G. “Those nice dresses the men and women wear. The sweets. The music. So when we found out that the rights to the holiday were now up for sale, we jumped at the opportunity!” The Daily Freier asked Miriam exactly how this once in a lifetime opportunity came about. “So the legal ownership of Mimouna became convoluted over time, but our lawyers were able to untangle the chain of custody and determine that the rights were currently being held by a hummus place in Ashkelon that also fixes cars sometimes. So we put out some feelers and found out they were willing to sell. Then we designed a compensation package with 50% up front and 5 years of scheduled 10% payments from an escrow account, and Boom! We had a deal!”
Miriam went on to explain that while the Ashkenazim intend to maintain the spirit of the holiday, there are going to be some changes. “We want a Mimouna that is just as authentic but maybe a bit less chaotic.” When the Daily Freier challenged Miriam for details, she summed up the Ashkenazi plan thusly: “Reduced chances of losing track of your shoes at some point during the evening but with greater opportunities for getting bored….. Also my husband’s heartburn has been acting up lately so we may need to get rid of that dry ground red pepper that they put in everything. And our neighbors get up early to drive to Jerusalem each morning, so we need to be finished by 10 PM, maximum 10:30.”
Not surprisingly, this move has led to a few hurt feelings. “This is outrageous!” complained an irate woman named Maygal whom we talked to in the Rehovot train station. “Soon you Ashkenazim are going to take everything we have and make it boring and stupid. How would you like it if we took your Leonard Cohen or Barbra Streisand or whatever and added electronic drums plus sound effects from a dance club and then ran it through the sound system of a 2003 Toyota Corolla with tinted windows?” When the Daily Freier replied that this actually sounded kinda cool, Maygal shoved us and stormed off.
In any event, at least there will still be some sort of dance that involves everybody wandering around in a circle.
By Ari Calvo
Last Updated 5/23/2017 at 2:30 PM
Tel Aviv: Heading abroad amidst a string of major gaffes, United States President Donald Trump has found an unexpected success: uniting Palestinians and Israelis. No, the world’s most powerful son-in-law Jared Kushner has not gotten the two sides to agree on anything at all, but The Trump Administration has united the two sides in a massive game of Middle East Bingo. And we have the cards to prove it.
When Trump makes a gaffe that insults either side, they mark the offense. (Israelis use a tiny kippah and Palestinians use the rusty keys that open their father’s brother’s cousin’s nephew’s ex-girlfriend’s former roommate’s former home. Or a filing cabinet.) Given Trump’s propensity for surprising the world with completely bizarre and unexpected comments, each side will be allowed Wild Card boxes. They can be anywhere on the card because, like our borders, we can’t all agree on where to put them.
Players can also choose not to play for their own nationality and instead choose to play merely by which side Trump will be first to offend the most. Each card has a range of severity, from gaffes that cause unanimous laughter (such as admitting how much he relates to the song ‘Golden Boy’) to scandal-inducing comments that lead to an absolute shutdown of the peace process entirely, with both sides slamming their doors shut with signs out front saying to come back after Trump’s been impeached. Seriously, they’ll even take Mike Pence.
Some of the offenses are the same for both groups. Pronouncing hummus with the American pronunciation “hum-us” is a high offense to both parties. There’s also a hummus specific wild card for any hummus-related atrocities, such as Trump confessing he loves Hummus Quinoa Cakes. Both sides also have the box for offending everyone by saying the Israelis had the right idea with their border wall and asked how Israel got the Palestinians to pay for it.
Options on the Palestinian card include using a mobile version of the red button to order a BLT while visiting Al Aqsa, referring to the West Bank as Judea and Samaria, calling Mahmoud Abbas “Bashar”, and referring to someone whose name he doesn’t know as Abu. Probably the most controversial, albeit not unexpected, options is the announcement that the US Embassy will be moved from Tel Aviv to East Jerusalem. However, everyone is most eager to get the chance to mark the box if someone convinces Trump that all speeches in the region are started with the terms of endearment, ‘sharmuta’ and ‘kusemek.’ Palestinians don’t get to have all the fun though as the Israelis have a similar box for if someone convinces Trump to greet a woman as ‘bat zona.’
For the Israelis, there’s the complete possibility Trump will visit Masada, look around at the ruins and declare that he “really prefers Jews who didn’t commit mass suicide.” Additionally, there’s a wholehearted expectation he’ll ask how Israel functions when everyone works in banks. “Your army must have very organized finances!” is expected to be met with the sound of an entire country in collective laughter. It also wouldn’t be surprising to hear him admit his visit to Masada was cancelled when he found out he couldn’t turn it into a hotel since he had planned to drop down the giant gold Trump sign from his helicopter while he was here. Another alarming possibility is the outcry he could cause by collecting the notes from the Kotel, insisting they are Hillary’s missing emails.
Each side is so engrossed in the competition that they have even taken to trying to sway the game in their favor. through the fine art of trolling. Religious Jews in Jerusalem have been hanging extra tallits out with the wash in hopes of getting Trump to admit he thinks Jews have sex through a hole in the sheet. If successful, they get to mark a sex-specific Wild Card box in case Trump finds a way to relate this to his own amazing abilities in the sack.
Across the Green Line, Palestinians have changed literally every restaurant’s name to “Aloha Snackbar” in order to trigger Trump’s tendency to talk about whatever is right in front of him and get him to say “Allahu Akbar“, just to see if Steve Bannon will totally lose his mind.
Competition is fierce as each side has decided they are likely better off by letting the victor set the parameters for a long-term peace solution than they would be with any negotiations involving the Trump Administration.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
Hey Mister Secretary! That was a world-class speech you just gave today. Now that you’re done with your speech, I think it’s time we start to pack your things for the big move. I mean, you know how hard it is to get anything done in DC the week after New Years. What’s that? You say you still have 23 days left in office? I know, I know. Folks in our part of the world are holding a bit of a countdown.
What’s that you say? You’re not finished? There is so much more to do? But you’ve already done so much. Syria. Libya. Iraq. Iran. Ukraine. And with today’s speech, another feather in your cap! So please, let’s at least go through your stuff. Here, I’ll start.
Mister Secretary, let me say I am impressed with your bookshelf. But… Your “Fodor’s Guide to Israel“? Something tells me you won’t be getting a lot of invitations from Israelis to visit. I’m going to put this one in the “Toss” bin.
Your guide to Egypt? Not sure if the invites will be streaming in from there either. Toss.
Wait, here is your 2010 Edition of the “Lonely Planet Guide to Syria.” I see you have the chapters on Aleppo and Palmyra bookmarked. Wait, you say you want to keep it? So….yeah. Maybe you should call your friend Mr. Lavrov on this one. Toss.
OK, here’s one. “A Conde Nast Guide to Europe”! So, it’s just that…demographics…have changed a bit since your Boss’s good old “Red Line” to Assad back in 2013. So yeah. I’d take that trip to Europe in the next couple months if I were you. I’ll put this one in the “Keep” pile. But let me just underline in red ink the neighborhoods in Paris, Berlin and Brussels that you may want to avoid.
Wait… Here’s a folder with “POTUS Run 2020” written on it. Really? I mean, last time you lost to a guy who fell off a Segway and seemed to struggle with the English Language. Oh don’t look at me like that Mister Secretary. I guess you could say I was for this idea before I was against it. Toss.
Wait a minute. Here’s another folder. “Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech Drafts“. Oh come on. I think we’re lying to ourselves right now Mister Secretary. Hey! Give me that! Now Now Mister Secretary. Now put it down. So it seems we need a “Doctor Phil Tough Love Moment” right now. That’s good. Now how does that feel? Toss.
So, Mister Secretary. I think we made some real progress today. I’ll be by tomorrow morning to finish the job. Happy Chanukah!
By Mia Deych
Last Updated 12/17/2016 at 8:00 PM
Kikar Rabin: Iriyat Tel Aviv has decided to take on the difficult task of turning Israelis into law-abiding citizens. In order to achieve this valiant feat, a team from the Code Enforcement Department had to think outside the box to come up with a creative decision.
Hadas S., team lead on the project, shared her vision with The Daily Freier: “Every single Israeli has some real or imagined relatives in the United States and every single Israeli has thought of moving there at least once in their lifetime. Have you ever seen how tranquil and amenable Israelis are when they wait in a line to apply for American visas? That was the key!” Now, instead of giving tickets and fines, Tel Aviv Municipality will forward the names, addresses, and nicknames of scofflaws to The U.S. State Department, which agreed to place them on a Blacklist for 1 to 10 years depending on their deeds.
One of the first “victims” of the new law, Shlomi from Lod, who nearly hit two pedestrians as they crossed the street next to Habima Theatre, because “nobody stops at the zebra crossing there”, parked his car in the bike lane on Sheinkin Street, because “everybody parks there”, and met his cousin’s brother-in-law’s friend to discuss “some business”, won’t be able to apply for a U.S. visa within next two years. The Daily Freier was on the scene to hear Shlomi’s lament: “This is illegal! My aunt’s neighbours’ family live in Florida and my sister-in-law’s son lives in New York. Also, I have “some business” there”.
Shlomi is not the only indignant Israeli devastated by the new law. Doron, owner of a chain of laundromats, found out about it from the morning newspaper. “What do they expect from us? Watch for speed limits? Don’t litter? Or… pay taxes to Bituach Leumi?! I mean this is Israel, not America or something…” Doron silently reflected for a few seconds, turned the music up louder, and returned to reading his newspaper.
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 9/29/2016 at 8:00 PM
Tel Aviv, The Old North: The Daily Freier newsroom is currently in full panic mode, as news broke that Secret Tel Aviv opened a Sperm Bank. Secret Tel Aviv, the popular online community for English Speakers in Tel Aviv that strives to prove that Jews are completely bonkers, has added a Sperm Bank to its business directory, once again making the Daily Freier’s most ridiculous attempts at satire seem downright boring compared to real life.
As frantic interns scurried from point to point in the newsroom grabbing messages from the old-time teletype machine and carrying coffee, the editorial staff gathered for a nervous meeting in the conference room. Yuval Weiss opened the meeting. “This is insane. It’s almost as if Jonny is testing us. Just to see how we react.” Guest Writer Lee Saunders was in a state of shock, almost bereft of his Droll English wit. “This is madness. A Secret Tel Aviv Sperm Bank??? Who knows what sort of wankers will show up.” Like we said, almost bereft.
Meanwhile, Dating and Relationships Columnist Emily Goldstein and Guest Writer Mia Deych were growing progressively angrier as they reviewed the list of guys who “liked” the original post for the Sperm Bank on Secret Tel Aviv. Mia explained. “At least 3 of these guys had at one time told one of us that they “weren’t looking for anything long-term.” So they couldn’t commit but now they’re just going to throw their DNA out there to random women in Tel Aviv? What the Hell? …. Also, me and Emily compared notes and one of the guys used the same line on both of us.”
While the bulk of the Daily Freier staff struggled with the New Normal, reporter Aaron Pomerantz walked down to Secret Tel Aviv to get all the facts.
After chatting with Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark, the Daily Freier realized that the business model for the Sperm Bank was actually quite sound. “We already have a built-in client base derived from all the guys who Direct Message random women who really really just wanted to sublet their apartments.” explained Mr. Stark. “Also, there’s always the guys on Secret Tel Aviv who are apparently self-appointed experts on Womens’ Skin Care. Plus, remember the guy last year who tried to sell “somebody else’s” porn collection on Secret Tel Aviv? Well he’s now the librarian.”
By Mia Deych
Last Updated 9/25/2016 at 2:20 PM
Ramat Gan: Israeli interpretations of traditional Western dress codes can … umm… surprise uninformed business partners or wedding guests. Fashion experts at Ramat Gan’s Shenkar College have decided to solve this problem and provide visitors with detailed explanations of how one should dress for any given occasion in Israel.
The Daily Freier met up for a late breakfast with Moran H. from the Faculty of Fashion and Design, in order to get the “word on the Derech” on this important topic for society. Moran explained some of the local nuances. “So, let’s start with smart casual: business usually black shoes, white shirts, blazers for men and knee-length skirts or dresses, blouses and closed-toe shoes for women – these are the absolute fanciest outfits most Israelis will ever ever place in their wardrobe….Especially men.” Moran rolled her eyes while mixing sucrazit into her soymilk hafuch. “You can wear those for business meetings if you want to look swanky. But smart casual in Israel includes but is not limited to tank tops, shorts, rompers and of course flip-flops!” As Moran spoke, The Daily Freier uncomfortably tried to hide our 40-shekel flip-flops that we got from the Shuk.
“Informal or business attire is rare in Israel. I guess you could wear a suit and tie to a wedding, but don’t make a fool of yourself wearing a bow-tie or Oxford shoes.” chuckled Moran as she cut into her gluten-free vegan pancakes. “For women there are much more options from your strapless summer dress with floral prints to a beaded evening gown from Allenby Street or whatever you wear to Clara on Thursday nights. And don’t forget to put a pair of flip-flops in your bag if you are going to be wearing high-heels.”
“How about Black Tie, formal wear?” queried the Daily Freier. “Do you mean tuxedos or ball dresses? Leave them for Purim!” Moran waved away dismissively.
Welcome to Israel.