By Yekutiel Bornstein
Last Updated 10/19/2017 at 4:00 PM
Bnai Brak: Human rights groups are in an uproar today after Israeli police used extreme measures to break up a mob blocking traffic to protest the jailing of Haredi draft dodgers. With traffic at a standstill, police took the unprecedented step of bombarding the protesters with a combination of job applications, brochures for the Nahal Haredi religious combat unit, and applications for vocational/skills training, and thus forced the rioters to flee in panic. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to get all the facts.
As police continued to disperse the mob and open lanes for traffic, on-scene Commander Mickey S. explained his team’s tactics. “So they kept running into traffic, blocking cars, and annoying our horses. We had no idea what to do. Anyway, after they called us Nazis and Shiksas for about an hour, I had an idea. It was like, I don’t know… what is the one thing that Superman hates? Kryptonite? So what if there was Kryptonite…. for work-shy professional tough guys who only act tough in big groups and when confronting lone female soldiers. And then we remembered the riots last winter. And the idea hit me: Jobs! These guys are scared to death of jobs! So we gathered up a bunch of job applications and started throwing them at the rioters. Worked like magic.”
For their part, the protesters were NOT happy. The Daily Freier caught up with one young man named Nahum as he hurried back to study (Ha Ha! Just kidding! He was smoking cigarettes and yelling at cops from a safe distance!). “This was inhuman! They acted like Nazis!” As the Daily Freier rushed to write down Nahum’s statement, he suddenly looked at our notepad. “Wait. Is that a job application? Get that away from me!”
As the rioters slowly drifted off, Nahum promised that they would return in even greater numbers tomorrow, just as soon as they checked to see if their monthly educational stipend checks arrived from the Government yet.
So apparently Israel’s $480 Million purchase of German submarines wasn’t entirely Kosher LaPesach, and Prime Minister Netanyahu’s friends keep getting arrested in what is no doubt just a big misunderstanding. Because the police are using some very hurtful words. Like “Bribery“. And “Tax Evasion“. And “Fraud“. But the intrepid journalists at the Daily Freier knew that there had to be a good reason for all of this, and sure enough, The Prime Minister provided us with 10 amazingly convincing explanations. So without further ado, here they are:
(The Daily Freier is published on the Times of Israel today. Check us out!)
By The Daily Freier Martyrs Brigade, a Division of +972
Last Updated 7/3/2022
Al-Quds: In a dramatic last-minute political coup, Prime Minister Hanin Zoabi clinched a majority coalition after promising the Shas and United Torah Judaism political parties increased subsidies, a complete deferment of military service for Yeshiva Students, full veto power over future conversions, plus total control over the Western Wall. The newly re-named Daily Freier Martyrs Brigade was on the scene at the Knesset Majlis to get all of the details on this exciting development.
A defiant MK Litzman explained his decision to join Prime Minister Zoabi’s Cabinet. “People are saying this may be the end of the State of Israel, and I tell them ‘So what?’ I mean, we stood up for principles and refused to give in to a bunch of fake Jews. Plus, our subsidies went up 20%. Now if you’ll excuse me, Foreign Minister Tibi is calling a meeting on Implementation Phase One for the Right of Return.”
Despite a final push to unite the Zionist Parties and withstand Zoabi’s coalition, it was all for naught. At a hastily held Press Conference, their former leaders tried to make sense of it all. Zehava Gal-On admitted that it would have been smarter to also campaign east of Ibn Gavriol Boulevard. Next, Bougie Herzog was supposed to address the audience but nobody remembered to call him. Later, Tzipi Livni explained how things would have worked out better if she had been in charge. Meanwhile, a despondent Bibi Netanyahu sulked in the corner. “I can’t believe that Shas and United Torah Judaism would betray me like this. I mean, what kind of person goes back on a deal simply for a short-term political gain?”
For her part, Prime Minister Zoabi was quite relaxed about the maneuver. “I had to promise them full control over the Wall and the Conversion process. But I figure, ‘Let the Dhimmis sort out the Dhimmis.’ You know what I’m saying? Not my business…. Plus, I had to promise Universal Draft Deferments for all Yeshiva students between the age of 18 and 40, but it was worth it. Besides, I have no idea what General Barghouti will want to do with the “IDF” once it merges into Fatah’s Security Service.”
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Yekutiel Bornstein
Last Updated 7/2/2016 at 5:30 PM
Jerusalem, The Knesset: In a move described as “bold“, “courageous“, and “resolute“, Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has vowed that despite going back on the Western Wall Agreement, he will continue accepting money from Diaspora Jews regardless of their level of religiosity or political stands. The Daily Freier attended a Press Conference in Jerusalem where Bibi explained his stand.
“Jews in the Diaspora, Make no mistake: No matter your stands on the Kotel, or conversions, or the Rabbanut….. we in Israel will never stop cashing your checks. And for those of you who are afraid that Israel doesn’t respect you, let me say again…. I will always cash your checks.”
News of this brave stance sent shockwaves throughout Israel and the Jewish world. In the United States, the Reform Movement vowed to put some skin in the game and made plans for 100,000 American Reform Jews to make Aliyah by next year in order to…. Just Kidding! They actually just put on some tie dye tallit and sang some Debbie Friedman songs.
Meanwhile, the religious parties in Israel responded with indignation. “How can these so-called Jews from North America even consider themselves Jewish?” demanded a spokesperson for the Shas Party. “I mean, their leadership has never even served a prison term for accepting $155,000 in a paper sack!”
After his Press Conference, the Prime Minister had a question and answer session, with Bibi providing the questions and answers. “In these days of a rising BDS Movement, what can we do to truly tell the World’s second biggest Jewish community that we are all in this together?” asked Prime Minister Netanyahu. “If you answered “throw Reform and Conservative Jews under the bus and renege on a previous agreement“, then award yourself a prize.”
May 1, 2017 (Happy May Day!)
Memorandum For: Korean Central News Agency
From: The Daily Freier
Subject: Can’t We All Just Get Along?
- Greetings from the Daily Freier, a people’s collective located in the humid and cosmopolitan coastal region of Tel Aviv tasked with providing timely and useful information to the hardworking farmers, intellectuals, and factory workers of the surrounding villages and hamlets!
- We understand that the Defense Minister of our nation, Mr. Liberman, said some very rude and hurtful things about the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea, the Honorable Kim Jong-un. And this makes us very sad. This sort of malicious gossip is the type of idle chatter that one would expect from the clique of popular students at a Young Women’s’ Revolutionary School of Technology and Science when they are speaking of the new girl who has just arrived from a smaller, less prestigious Revolutionary School of Technology and Science located in a more provincial and traditional region. Do you know what we’re saying?
- Due to the unfortunate and unhelpful statements of Mr. Liberman, the Daily Freier has decided to take bold action and appoint our august publication as the Central Secretariat for all future correspondence between our two fraternal and honorable nations. Henceforth, you can feel free to ignore the statements of Mr. Liberman, and quite frankly, just about the rest of our leaders. Why not? We here in Israel do it every day. It is actually quite therapeutic.
- In the spirit of progress and fraternal goodwill, we at the Daily Freier offer our services to your Honorable News Agency for the distribution of relevant and timely information pertaining to the activities and achievements of our respective peoples, specifically in the subjects of agriculture, iron smelting, small tractor preventive maintenance, and forestry. Once again, please ignore the boisterous and foolish words of our leaders! In the words of the lively and honest peoples’ vernacular of the urban North American proletariat, “We got you, fam”.
Yours in Fraternal Solidarity,
The Daily Freier
p.s. We love love love Dennis Rodman.
p.p.s. We think that Seth Rogen is an idiot.
By Yekutiel Bornstein
Last Updated 2/16/2017 at 3:00 PM
Jerusalem, Mea She’arim: The rioting by some members of the Haredi Community against conscription in the Israeli Army began to break up today, because after a week of activity many of them complained that it felt like a job. Like where you have to show up to work at the same time and place every day or something. The Daily Freier’s resident Semi-on-the-Derech reporter Yekutiel Bornstein was on the scene getting all of the facts.
“At first, everything was fine.” noted protester Moshe D. “We beat up a Haredi guy who volunteered for the Army, blocked traffic, and pulled the tail of a police horse. Good times…. But after a few days, it just got weird. Being expected to show up. Day in, day out. No matter the weather. And being expected to do things. It felt like a…..like a…. not sure the word for this.”
“Like a job?” interjected the Daily Freier helpfully
“Yeah, that’s it. Like a job. And we’re not having that.”
The Daily Freier also tried to get to the heart of the matter by learning the motivations of the protesters. “The Government’s rules are ridiculous. I mean, it’s not like the Torah instructs us to defend Eretz Yisrael with our life or anything like that. So we really want the public to understand our situation and sympathize it.” explained semi-permanent Yeshiva student Yakov C. “That’s why we decided to block traffic during rush hour and call Law Enforcement officers ‘Nazis’ and female officers ‘Shiksas’. I think we’re making real progress.”
Finally, the Daily Freier asked the Law Enforcement who responded to the riots for their perspective on the events. Jerusalem Police Sergeant Avner H. gave his impression. “This was a difficult protest to break up. These guys were tough, lots of fight in them.” The Daily Freier asked Sergeant Avner if there was a way to prevent such riots from occurring in the future. Avner thought for a moment and replied “That’s a good question. If only there was some sort of organized activity that channels the aggression and energy of young men while providing them discipline and structure…..But I can’t think of anything right now, can you?”
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/26/2016 at 4:30 PM
Burgas, Bulgaria: The nation of Bulgaria’s sex worker and meth communities reacted with shocked anger on rumors that some of their own may have knowingly associated with Israeli politician Oren Hazan, who before getting elected to the Knesset managed a Casino in Bulgaria where there was DEFINITELY NO hookers or drugs. The Daily Freier was on the scene to speak to the aggrieved parties.
“This ugly rumor that any of our membership associated with Mr. Hazan is libel, and we intend to sue.” explained Tanya M., Chairperson of the Burgas Regional Sex Workers Union. “I mean, we just have sex with strangers for money. Please don’t drag us into a scandal with this character.”
“This is how reputations get ruined.” admonished Boris K., President of the Bulgarian Federation of Tweakers, as he gnashed his teeth and stared around the room fitfully. “I mean, I may be an addict, but at least I never mocked a disabled person in Parliament.” Boris began frantically scratching at a scab on his arm. “I’m just afraid that people will begin to associate my meth use with Oren Hazan.”
The Daily Freier asked Tanya what the repercussions would be for a member of her Labor Syndicate if the rumors proved true. “Nonsense! It would go against our sense of honor!” Tanya thundered, before turning introspective. “But if it turns out that one of our own shamed herself by associating with that guy, she would have to resign. Or, you know, run for Public Office.”