Category: Israeli Politics

Amir Peretz’s mustache joins Kahol Lavan

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/2/2019 at 10:50 PM

Sderot: In a move that is shaking the Israeli political establishment to its core, Amir Peretz’s mustache just joined the Kahol Lavan political party. Longtime Labor politician Amir Peretz shaved his mustache last week, thus ending one of the greatest symbiotic relationships between a mustache and its host body since Hall & Oates. And now his mustache is lashing out at his former partner and joining a rival political party. The Daily Freier rushed to Sderot to talk to Mr. Peretz’s mustache.

The Daily Freier met the mustache in a local eatery, as the mustache ate hummus, being careful not to get any in his mustache. “I never saw this coming.” complained the mustache. “We had so many good years together, and for him to just end things like this….. it feels like a betrayal.

The Daily Freier asked Mr. Peretz’s mustache exactly when he became a self-aware entity. “I’ve always been kind of independent. But it was on the Golan in 2007 when I realized that his eyes and his brain might not be pulling their own weight and that I might need to step in to help. But I always stayed loyal, you know?

The Daily Freier challenged Mr. Peretz’s mustache on his move to Kahol Lavan, noting that it appeared to be nothing more than petty score-settling, and his mustache exploded in anger. “Everything he accomplished was with me!!! Do you think he would have made it without me?! Do you think he would have made it out of this crappy town?!” The mustache looked around sheepishly at his fellow residents of Sderot in the hummus shop. “No offense.

Mr. Peretz’s mustache continued. “Doesn’t he even read the Bible? He’s going to lose all of his strength, like Samson! I’m serious…. I know his new hairdresser made him do this. She hates me.

The Daily Freier asked Mr. Peretz if he had any future plans. “This is all so new. I haven’t been on my own in 30 years. Maybe I can move to Tel Aviv and grow into a hipster beard.

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Mr. Peretz’s mustache told us that if Amir asks about him, it’s not too late for a reconciliation. “He can call me.

 

 

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“Recount the votes or I sing another duet with Ayelet.” Bennett threatens Knesset

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/11/2019 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem:  Today the New Right Party issued an ultimatum to the Israeli Election Board: either perform a complete recount of Tuesday’s vote or else be ready for another bizarre music video from party leaders Naftali Bennett and Ayelet Shaked. So far the New Right has failed to meet the 3.5% vote threshold required to receive Knesset seats, and this outcome is deemed unacceptable. You see, 6 months ago Bennett and Shaked were considered top challengers to Prime Minister Netanyahu. But as far as we can tell, Bibi has voodoo dolls of all of his enemies and forces them to say or do a series of really dumb things. (Wait, do you have a BETTER explanation? No? We thought so.) Thus…

1) Bennett and Shaked left a perfectly good party to start a new party.

2) Shaked made a fake perfume video called “Fascism”. (No. Really.)

3) Shaked made a weird 1980’s-style music video about breaking up with the Army. And Bennett rapped on the track. (No. Really.)

Yada, Yada, Yada, they lost. Badly. They got beat by Meretz, which absolutely DOMINATED the vote on several entire streets near Gan Meir. They got beat by Moshe Feiglin’s party, whose entire campaign infrastructure appeared to be run off of Telegrass. So Bennett pushed back at a Press Conference today.

Our demands are simple.” Bennett intoned. “A full and comprehensive recount of the votes or else Ms. Shaked does another weird 1980’s-style concept video that makes you think that you’re high even though you’re not.

Bennett continued. “Do you think we’re bluffing? Try me. Ayelet wants to make another fake perfume video. So don’t doubt us….. I’m ready to do another freestyle rap. I might even beatbox this time. I’m totally serious.

As the Press Conference adjourned, Ayelet Shaked could be seen behind the stage pushing an electric synthesizer, colored lights, and a fog machine.

 

First Time Ever! Meretz now campaigning east of Ayalon Highway!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/27/2019 at 4:00 PM

Givatayim: In a move being described as “Bold”, and “Game-Changing”, the Meretz Party has begun campaigning for votes East of Tel Aviv’s Ayalon Highway. The Kinda Lefty party, long known for absolutely dominating entire Tel Aviv neighborhoods, has decided that a good way to campaign in a national Israeli election is to go out and talk to people who live in…. Israel. The Daily Freier caught up with Meretz volunteers Assaf and Dalit as they wandered around Givatayim handing out literature.

It’s time that Meretz reached out to the Periphery.” said Assaf. “We need to find the people who live in Distant Settlements like here in Givatayim, and who knows, maybe even Ramat Gan!”

The Daily Freier asked Assaf and Dalit just what precipitated this unorthodox move by Meretz.

The 2015 Election was just such a shock.” Dalit explained. “I mean, nobody I know voted for Bibi, so how could he win? It made no sense. But then we thought, wow, maybe there are people who live in other neighborhoods. And maybe we could, I don’t know, talk to them. Crazy, right?

Assaf talked about just how difficult the process has been to work in a new environment. “I can’t find Haaretz anywhere, and I just saw this guy walking around with a weird cap on his head. I think it’s called a….wait….I know this…..”

A Kippah?” offered the Daily Freier helpfully

Yes! That’s it! A Kippah! But I think we’re really making progress.”

Dalit then described other challenges they face trying to expand the reach of Meretz. “Last week Assaf and I did some amazing outreach in Holon. We must have signed up 50 people to our e-mail list. But then on Shabbat, Tamar made these very…. special…. brownies and now I can’t remember where I put my clipboard with all the names.”

As we got up to leave, Assaf asked us if we had any rolling papers.

Hey, let’s give the plateau overlooking half our country to that guy who gassed his own citizens!

Hey guys, I just came up with an A-MA-ZING idea! Let’s give back the Golan Heights! Yeah, the strategic plateau that overlooks the Galilee! The one with Zero Palestinians and that also lets the IDF have a clear shot at Damascus! We need to do this, like, yesterday. Look, over the last 50 years, we’ve established wineries and farms and a ski resort, so it would be kinda cool to give those things to Bashar Assad. Yeah, Asma’s husband! That guy! The one who dropped barrel bombs full of chlorine gas on kids! Great idea, right? C’mon, enough is enough. The UN General Assembly just passed a non-binding resolution condemning us for holding onto it!

It’s not like Assad owes Hezbollah and Iran any favors after they saved his regime. If we can’t trust him, we may as well not trust anybody. I mean, I think you guys just need to relax. John Kerry said it was a good idea!

 

 

“So how did you think we got all our great ideas?” Meretz defends pot smoking MK’s

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/30/2018 at 3:30 PM

The Yafo Flea Market: Meretz is striking back forcefully against a recently re-visited Government Ethics Panel from 4 years ago forbidding their Knesset Members from smoking cannabis. The Jerusalem Post reported that Tamar Zandberg, a MK for Israel’s In-No-Way-Out-In-Left-Field Meretz Party, was admonished that she could not smoke weed because:

a) it’s against the law

b) she’s like a lawmaker and stuff

But if you think our friends at Meretz were going to simply roll over and give up, well, you’re wrong. The Party issued a stern rebuttal to the Ethics Committee, signed by all of their MK’s, and delivered at a Press Conference this afternoon at the Yafo Flea Market.

This so-called ruling by the Quote Unquote Ethics Committee is totally unjust.” admonished Meretz spokesperson Danny C.  “This ruling deprives our party of some of our best idea generating sessions. I mean, just last night we were only one or two bong-hits away from truly solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Danny continued. “Also, after a marathon 12 spliff session on Tuesday, we came up with a solution to Greater Tel Aviv’s sky-high rental costs which was just brilliant! ….The trouble is, the next morning was “Group Cleanup Day” at our communal apartment on Sheinkin, and now we can’t find the pizza box where we drew the diagrams for all the geodesic domes, houseboats, and rooftop yurts. Wait, do you know what day the Garbageman comes? We might be able to find it in the Green bins next to the curb.

The Daily Freier asked Danny just how long Meretz has been doing…. ummm…. ‘enhanced brainstorming”, and he replied that it’s been “like years and years”  since this has been the case. “In 2014, the Party drafted a 5-Point Resolution to better integrate Israel’s Arab minority, but by the time we got back from Midburn, we realized that we’d left the manifesto at the campsite in the blue IKEA bag that also held our bamba and glow-sticks.

Danny then reached under the podium to get the Party’s latest press release on increasing voter participation, only to find that he’d misplaced it. But he was positive that it contained the following phrases: “It worked in Holland“, “commune in the Arava“, “windmill“, and “hemp seeds“.

 

Aryeh Deri adds Shabbat Elevator to Ramle Prison’s budget request

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/24/2018 at 11:00 PM

Ramle Prison: Officials at this Central Israel Correctional Institution were pleasantly surprised today when they learned that they’ve been granted an improvement to their facilities. Member of Knesset Aryeh Deri (Shas) added a Line Item to their annual budget request, granting funds to install a Shabbat Elevator. Such a device allows religiously observant people to save time and energy by taking an elevator while not violating the laws of Shabbat. The Daily Freier spoke with prison spokesperson Yoni D.

We are very thankful for Minister Deri’s assistance. This addition to our physical plant will make life easier for those prisoners who are Shomre Shabbat, and will add to the overall quality of life……but to be honest, nobody in our Accounting & Budget Office can remember actually asking for this. Does he know something we don’t know?

In unrelated news, Mr. Deri was seen recently asking Former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert if he had a favorite cell block when he was at Ramle, and which days of the week were best to visit the Prison commissary.