Last Updated 1/11/2016 at 6:30 AM
Cologne, Germany: A leading team of European anthropologists has uncovered a fascinating but little-known nomadic group that expresses the concept of gratitude and thankfulness by robbing and sexually assaulting their hosts. Professor Holgar C. from the University of Berlin spoke to the Daily Freier about this exciting discovery.
“What we see here is a nomadic group that has departed a violent and dangerous ecosystem and been welcomed into a safe and peaceful ecosystem. At this point they conduct a ceremonial show of gratitude to their hosts by congregating at train stations and attempting to rape the indigenous women. On some occasions they will also conduct an elaborate ritual of rifling through the women’s purses for trinkets and ornaments. Sometimes they will even record the solemn ritual on a smart phone!”
Professor Holgar also admonished the public not to pre-judge others just because they behave differently. “I think it is important that we don’t inject our own value judgments into this study . Just as Westerners shake hands while Japanese people bow, different groups can express gratitude in different ways. So while you might express gratitude with a small but thoughtful gift or handwritten note, this group expresses gratitude by forming coordinated packs, surrounding women, and then sexually assaulting them. Fascinating, really.”
While the elaborate ceremonies are indeed fascinating, Professor Holgar was quick to stress that this unique expression of thankfulness is only performed when they are residing within the host ecosystem. “Let’s face it. If they pulled this crap in their home country, the victim’s brothers and cousins would hunt the perpetrators down like dogs so fast the rapists would pray the cops got to them first.”