Ramat Aviv: Today outside of Tel Aviv University, Arab students held a protest in observance of Naqba Day (‘The Catastrophe’), mourning the creation of the State of Israel. Student leader Firaz A. stated “We see the creation of the so-called State of Israel and our dispossession as an injustice, and for this reason, I refuse to accept that I can pay the discounted rate of 8,000 Shekels ($2,000) tuition as an Israeli citizen. I insist on paying the full foreign rate, as this regime was created in sin. Therefore, I am presenting the University Bursar with 52,000 Shekels in cash ($13,000). I refuse to derive any benefit from this criminal enterprise known as ‘Israel”“.
Fellow student Maryam N. was equally adamant: “Not only will I refuse to pay tuition at the discounted rate, but henceforth I refuse to be treated in free ‘Israeli’ government healthcare facilities. From now on it’s strictly private doctors who take cash.” When the Daily Freier asked Maryam if paying more for her education might be an economic hardship, she replied “Yes it will be difficult for me and my family, but I must stay intellectually honest to my cause. After all, if I gained benefits from a regime that I despise, that would make me a bit of a hypocrite, wouldn’t it?“
Haifa: In the aftermath of last week’s cyber-attack, a team at Haifa’s prestigious Technion Institute have revealed today that the ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ Facebook Page is now a fully sentient and self-aware entity that is capable of generating its own absurd traffic, and then answering that traffic with even more ridiculous responses. Doctoral candidates Gideon B. and Alex G. walked the Daily Freier through this chilling development.
“What we are facing is what is known as a Chutzpadik Black Hole” explained Gideon as we toured their state of the art simulation of the Secret Tel Aviv entity at the Technion. “Basically, as the environment of the website becomes more and more ridiculous, it actually slows down. What I am saying is that as the website approaches maximum absurdity, it actually seems more normal to those who interact with it. It is in this environment, that it seems perfectly normal to ask strangers to help you with your bikini purchase when at least half of the site demographics consists of, you know, MEN FROM TEL AVIV.”
“Secret Tel Aviv is now fully capable of operating as a self-aware being on the entire spectrum: crowd-sourced advice on difficult relationships, what to do with a tarantula that you found under your rug, semi-legal requests for advice on how to avoid Israeli customs fees, you name it.” stated Alex as we toured the room-sized simulation of Secret Tel Aviv.
When the Daily Freier asked Alex if there was one specific event that spurred Secret Tel Aviv to enter a higher plane of existence, Alex noted “I have to stress that we are still awaiting the results of peer review, but if I had to guess, I would venture that it was when the guy asked for help finding a rave dance party that offered babysitting.”
The seemingly nondescript older gentleman who is currently holding up traffic on this vital North-South arterial accompanied by a mystery woman is actually the 3rd most powerful man in Tel Aviv. While his purple golf cart with the plastic tub bungee-corded to the rear bumper may not look like much, it in fact belongs to a man who is not to be trifled with. Sergei P., a doorman at the nightclub ‘Valium’ with a neck larger than this reporter’s torso, explained a recent encounter. “So he pulls up in his golf cart right out front of the building and proceeded to walk in right past security. I yelled at him and told him to get the hell out of here…..Then my manager ran over in a panic. I mean,with the fear of death in his eyes. He told me I had 5 seconds to fix this or we were both finished. So I apologized profusely and escorted him to his own booth. Fortunately, he was chill and didn’t make a big deal out of this.” Sergei then stared into space and said “It could have been a lot worse. A lot, lot worse.”
At the same time, many residents have reached out to the man in the golf cart to solve problems when nobody else can help. New arrival Deborah K. describes her story. “I was getting charged way to much for my electric bill. I knew something was wrong, but whenever I called their “customer service” I got the runaround. When I described my problem, I swear to God the woman said ‘Welcome to Israel.’ I didn’t know what to do, and then my friends all said ‘Talk to the guy on the purple golf cart’. So I flagged him down last week on Nordau, and I was practically crying. But he just smiled and said ‘I’ll take care of it’. The next day the Electric Company called ME. Hey Golf Cart Man, You rock!”
Not all encounters with Purple Golf Cart Man end happily, however. Local resident Jeremy S. found himself behind the golf cart last week on his drive home from work. “I was trying to turn left onto Pinchas and he was just puttering along, blocking the lane. I honked the horn and gave him the finger.” Jeremy then goes silent for 10 seconds. ” Now I can’t get a felafel in this town. I went to the place on Yirmiyahu last night and the guy at the counter looked straight through me and asked the guy behind me for his order…… Does anyone know where he’s driving his golf cart right now? I need to apologize and fix this.”
As of this afternoon, the reporters at the Daily Freir have determined that when they grow up they want to be the Guy on the Purple Golf Cart.
Tel Aviv, The Old North: A previously unknown anarchist collective has hacked into the popular ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ website, and inserted malicious posts that offer a reasonable exchange of good and services, as well as intelligently written requests for information. These posts are then followed up by helpful and informative user feedback in which those who replied clearly read the original post, thought about their response, then wrote it in a way that adds some sort of value to the conversation. Local residents vented their concerns about this disturbing situation to the Daily Freier:
“I saw a post asking for information on Holiday Bus Schedules, and something just didn’t feel right.” noted Jerry F. of Neve Tzedek. “The question was intelligent and well written. But what really got me concerned were the responses. The first post on the thread included an attachment to the Dan Bus Lines Website in English. Then somebody else included helpful hints. Not one person called him stupid, to look it up himself, or told him to go back to his country of origin. After a while I was just, like, NOT. COOL.”
Alert local Ronit S. had a similar scare that fortunately turned out to be a false alarm. “I responded to an ad looking for models/actresses for an upcoming event. At first I have to admit I was concerned. I mean, the ad was written by someone with a grasp of basic business letter-writing. It also clearly stated the times, dates, and payment for work. So I was definitely feeling weird about it. But when the guy responded he said that he needed pictures of me in my underwear, and that his studio was behind the Central Bus Station. So I was, like, Baruch. HaShem. Legitimate Secret Tel Aviv.”
However, according to a recent press release, Secret Tel Aviv is aware of the incursion and is taking concrete steps to fix the problem. “We take this violation of our customers’ trust very seriously and our tech support team are working around the clock to fix this.” wrote the Secret Tel Aviv Webmaster. “In the meantime, here are some quick tips for our readers to know that they are in fact looking at a legitimate Secret Tel Aviv post:”
1) Somebody wants you to carry something on an airplane for them
2) Somebody on the post calls you a racist
3) A thread devolves into sexual banter within 5 replies
4) A frustrated, confusing rant against Israeli men or women
5) The words “Forex” or “Binary”
6) A response to an unfortunate event that includes the phrase “Welcome to Israel”
7) Somebody is selling used cosmetics
8) A post that starts with “I know this might not belong here” followed by a post that definitely does not belong there
9) A request, with photo attached, to identify an insect found in somebody’s kitchen
10) Anything involving cats
Daily Freier Staff had to cut short their investigation so that they could check the ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ site because, hey, we still love it.
Jerusalem: In a dramatic political move, Shas Party leader Aryeh Deri agreed to join the Prime Minister’s coalition in exchange for half of the proceeds from Bibi and Sara Netanyahu’s deposit bottle returns. At first Shas was reluctant about the scenario. “When I found out that the Prime Minister and his wife were turning in bottles from state events and keeping the deposit money, I was livid…….that I didn’t get a piece of the action!” noted Shas leader Aryeh Deri. “It’s not much, but 30 Agurot here and 30 Agurot there, and soon you’ve got $155,000!” In addition, as part of the agreement, Shas was promised the Economy Ministry. Subsequently, today the Economy Ministry today mandated that catering for future State Events must use bottles no larger than 250 milliliters.
As the interview ended, Mr. Deri asked if the Daily Freier had any money, and if so, would we like to give some of it to Mr. Deri.
The Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement, long known for attempting to block artists from visiting Israel, has now stunningly changed tactics. BDS is now actively recruiting truly bad musicians to visit Israel and inflict their art upon a helpeless populace. “We felt that foisting bad art on them is the best way to hit the Zionist Entity…..I mean Israel.” noted BDS Spokesperson Art Peterbein. According to Mr. Peterbein, “I mean it’s one thing to force the cancellation of a highly talented, highly nuts artist who thinks paying her taxes is optional, but inflicting a series of Boy Bands from the ’90’s just seemed more…..satisfying.” Local residents reacted to this chillling new development with a mix of fear and annoyance. Local shopkeeper Tomer P. stated “Robbie Williams was bad enough. But Backstreet? I mean, that ain’t nothin’ but a heartache. Ain’t nothin’ but a mistake. Tell me why?” Ramat Gan housewife Bat Sheva S. was equally upset “OMG! A.J. ‘Bone’ McLean was my favorite! But then, you know, I turned 12.” As of this of this morning, Nickelback was still in negotiations with BDS for their Autumn 2015 tour of Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, and Eilat.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.
By Yuval Weiss
(photo credit:Wikimedia Commons