Category: HaTzarfatim

HaTzarfatim

Daily Freier criticized for “Anglos Only” Pétanque Tournament
No Francophones were harmed in the making of this article

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 12/1/2019 at 3:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Apparently the Daily Freier is in a lot of trouble.  Like, a LOT of trouble. In the spirit of Community, we decided to organize a pétanque tournament. In Tel Aviv. On Rothschild Boulevard. Where apparently a certain….group of Olim congregate and play this really cool looking game that looks like bocce only even more ridiculous. Anyhoo, we organized this Competition, and somehow accidentally added “Anglos Only” to the Facebook Event. Must have been an oversight. You see, the Daily Freier has been obsessed with pétanque for a long time. But now we are getting a bunch of angry texts from the principal of Collège Français de Tel-Aviv, the French Embassy, and that kinda hot/kinda crazy French girl from your Ulpan. The Daily Freier hastily held a News Conference to dispel rumors.

Daily Freier editor Yuval Weiss greeted the assembled press, but before he could finish his introduction, an angry editor from I24-Francaise lit into him.

“It is simply…absurd that the Daily Freier would exclude the very Nation that created this noble sport from your tournament. Do you not notice that the pétanque courts of Rothschild are absolutely French?”

“Wait, they’re French?” replied Yuval. “You sure? Because I’m so Woke that I don’t see race or color or national origin.”

The Daily Freier tried to change the subject to our upcoming Chanukah Scavenger Hunt in Dizengoff Center, but the French Embassy Chargé d’affaires stood on his chair and began reading from the Declaration of the Rights of Man and name-dropping the Marquis DeLafayette.

Finally, Yuval was able to regain control of the Press Conference. “We apologize for the oversight. It’s just that as Anglos we are used to creating new opportunities on very short notice. It’s hard to explain this concept sometimes….. Wait, what’s the word for ‘entrenpeneur’ in French?”

Finally, The Daily Freier was able to defuse the situation by inviting everyone to a Mickey Rourke Film Festival at the Kerem House.

*In the spirit of Jewish Solidarity, we promise to hold next year’s Daily Freier Pétanque Tournament in Netanya.

 

 

 

 

 

Beaches of Tel Aviv, HaTzarfatim

How to Tan like the French!

How to Tan like the French! Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mia Deych, with Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/21/2016 at 1:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: If you’ve ever heard of the French diet also known as the ‘French paradox’ (the observation of low coronary heart disease (CHD) death rates despite high intake of dietary cholesterol and saturated fat – This phrase was copy/pasted. Thank you, Google), you are probably aware of how many contradictions and how much mystery there is about the French.

 Typical Tzarfatim are easily spotted in Tel Aviv, neither because they are cooing in French, nor because men’s hair is perfectly messy and women’s outfits are out-of-this-world trendy, but rather because they are unbelievably TAN.  By that we mean not just a “I’ve been to the beach a lot” tan, but a very specific shade of brown with a hint of clove and a whiff of cherries and black currants. We would even call this colour ‘Burgundy‘, but we are not French, so we don’t dare.

 So how does one achieve this branded shade? The Daily Freier compiled a list of “Do’s and Don’ts“.

 Do’s:

1.       Hang out with French people, eat at French-owned restaurants, and buy French products.

2.       Become fashionably religious, keep traditions strictly (like Kashrut or Shabbat), but do it gracefully.

3.       Keep on being slightly condescending, but add a solid touch of the Israeli chutzpah.

4.       Be very proud of being French, but insist on speaking solely in Hebrew with all non-French people.

5.       Spend a lot (read: “all“) of your time at Lala-Land Restaurant on Frischman Beach.

6.       The corner of Bograshov and Ben Yehuda is the new Center of your Universe.

Don’ts:

1.       Don’t even try to do everything above. You do not have the panache to make this work.

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De mes plus sincères salutations,

Mia Deych

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HaTzarfatim, The IDF, The United Nations

UN Slams IDF after Interrogators place Hamas Prisoner at Shabbat Table of only French Speakers

French Jews(Photo Credit: Jewish Agency)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 4/8/2016 at 10:50 AM

New York, Turtle Bay: United Nations Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon reacted with undisguised anger to published reports alleging that the Israel Defense Force is using a new and potentially dangerous interrogation technique: placing detainees at a Sabbath table comprised completely of French Jews. From Paris. Speaking only French. At a slightly elevated noise volume. All… Night… Long…  Secretary General Moon explained his objections to the Daily Freier during a break from his busy schedule of not helping to solve the Syrian crisis.

“Israel simply cannot behave in this fashion if it wishes to improve its standing in the Community of Nations.  I mean, the mere thought of this activity is horrifying.  It reminds me of the time I was trapped in an elevator with François Hollande  and Nicolas Sarkozy for 45 minutes during a power outage.”

Israel responded to Secretary Moon’s statement, explaining the effectiveness of the technique.  “We only do this with our real hard cases, the tough guys.” stated IDF spokesperson Guy T. “Just last Shabbat we had a Hamas guy on a hunger strike.  We put him at a table of new French Olim. By the time of Kiddush he was fidgeting in his seat. Soon he was visibly sweating and talking to himself.  Before the Birkat HaMazon he looked me in the eye and said ‘Get me out of here.’ Twenty minutes later he was in his cell eating a falafel.”

When the Daily Freier asked Guy if there was an interrogation technique that would work with a table of American Olim, he said he’d get back to us after more than 5 Americans make Aliyah and stay at least 6 months.

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Ulpan Gordon Daily Freier French
Aliyah, HaTzarfatim

Israeli Family cancels Paris Vacation & enrolls in Ulpan Gordon “because it’s kind of the same thing”

(Photo Credit: Our Friends at Ulpan Gordon Who Know That We Love Them Even If We Make Fun of Them)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/20/2016 at 9:20 PM

Tel Aviv: The Levy family of Rehovot are one savvy Mishpachah.  Looking at the financial cost of fulfilling their dream vacation to the City of Light, they opted for a far less expensive alternative: spending two weeks at Tel Aviv’s Ulpan Gordon language school.  “We really just wanted to immerse ourselves in the French experience: To hear nothing but people speaking French. Eat nothing but French food. To really feel like we were in a different country.  But between plane tickets, hotels, and tour costs, we just couldn’t afford it.” explained husband Danny. “And then we looked at Ulpan Gordon, and it met all of our needs. It basically feels like France but with better weather.”

The Daily Freier also  spoke with Danny’s wife Smadar in the school courtyard as she smoked cigarettes, drank coffee and chatted with her classmates in French during break.  “Our kids have been studying French in school for 3 years.  But they’re surrounded by too much Hebrew in the home and can never practice.  Ulpan Gordon fixed that.  The kids are able to cross-talk with their classmates in French the entire class. I mean, sure the teacher tried to get them to speak in Hebrew, but after a while she kinda gave up.”

Danny and Smadar had to cut the interview short and return to class because they were scheduled to watch a Jerry Lewis film followed by a movie set in Netanya.

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HaTzarfatim

New Urban Horror Film “Netanya” tells of a City slowly turning……French

 

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 8/4/2015 at 3:20 PM

Tel Aviv Performing Arts Center: The entire city is chattering about the Summer’s hottest film, “Netanya“, a chilling film  seen through the eyes of the heroine as she watches her friends, family, and neighbors slowly turning into Francophones. The movie, set in the seaside city of Netanya north of Tel Aviv, was filmed using handheld cameras with unknown actors on a limited budget. Daily Freier’s Arts and Entertainment Reporter talked to moviegoers as they exited the theater last night.

“Oh my God, when she sat down with her husband at their favorite hummus place, and he smiled at the waiter and ordered bouillabaisse in perfect French, and then she started screaming, I jumped 5 feet out of my seat.” said an excited Rachel G.

Rachel’s friend Danny R. was equally enthused. “When she escaped the restaurant and ran into her parents’ house, and she sees them in the living room eating brioche and watching a Jerry Lewis movie, and then her dad locks the door behind her……..scared the living heck out of me.”

Another movie at the Festival, about a zombie outbreak in a large Anglo community of Olim immigrants, was panned as unrealistic by moviegoers. Audience member Yossi C. summed up the film’s failures: “Maybe if they made the movie about a bunch of Anglo zombies who SAY they’re going to make Aliyah every year without actually, you know, “MAKING ALIYAH.”…..that would be more realistic.”