Month: January 2019

Jewish Voice for Peace hires Hanin Zoabi

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/9/2019 at 1:20 PM

Oakland: In an amazing coup, the Anti-Israel’s Existence Anti-Occupation NGO “Jewish Voice for Peace” just hired Hanin Zoabi to be their newest “Director of Outreach”!  Jewish Voice for Peace (Street Name: “The Ridiculous JVP“) snapped up the talented but soon to be unemployed anti-Israel-but-an-Israeli Knesset Member just as soon as it was obvious that Hanin would not make the cut of her Balad Party’s candidates in the upcoming Israeli election. The Daily Freier spoke with JVP Executive Director Rebecca Vilkomerson to find out just how they were able to hire the Knesset’s most easygoing and chill member.

This was not a traditional move.” explained Ms. Vilkomerson. Ms. Zoabi might not meet your outdated and racist definition of ‘Jewish’. And her ideas might not meet your outdated and racist definition of ‘Peace’ either. But her voice is just fine.” The Daily Freier asked Ms. Vilkomerson if her definition of “racist” was “people to the right of me who I disagree with” and she nodded in agreement and we continued the interview.

Incidentally, this power move by Jewish Voice for Peace has caused quite a ruckus among its allies on the Sorta-Jewish-But-Dislikes-Most-Other-Jews-Intersectional-Left. In fact, many of JVP’s peers reacted to the move with a mixture of excitement tinged with Envy. “OMG, they hired Zoabi? I wanted to have her write our special edition for Yom HaAtzmaut this year. Damn their luck!” fumed The Forward’s Opinion Editor Batya Ungar-Sargon. “Please excuse me, but I hear that Hen Mazzig just brushed his teeth with water from The Occupation and I need to go write a 700 word blog post on why this is NOT OK……Wait, do you think I’m acting clingy and obsessed?

For her part, Ms. Zoabi was looking forward to this new career move. “They asked me to plan a nice mixer in the Spring, so I’m thinking ‘Boat Ride’, you know? Rebecca just LOVED the idea, but I’m afraid to break it to her that Hamas vetoed the Open Bar and dance-off competitions. But It’s just refreshing to work with people who share my values.” Ms. Zoabi smiled slightly and continued. “Who knows, maybe I will meet someone nice!

We wanted to continue our chat, but Ms. Zoabi had to say goodbye. “They said I need to be in the United States for Friday Morning’s Staff Meeting. Maybe I can call Azmi Bishara and ask about the best deals on last-minute flights out of Israel.

 

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Amman taxi driver has recurring nightmare that he’s trapped in his cab with Thomas Friedman

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/5/2019 at 11:40 AM

Queen Alia International Airport, Jordan: Local taxi driver Omar A. has not been himself lately. It seems that for the last 6 months, he has suffered from the same horrible nightmare: being trapped in his taxi cab with noted pundit and New York Times contributor Thomas Friedman.

I wake up each morning in a cold sweat.” explained a visibly shaken Omar has we sat in the Airport’s Taxi Driver break room. “Sometimes, he is on the way to a Green Energy Expo at the Palace, and he asks me what I think about building windmills on the Dead Sea. How the Hell should I know? Then, in last night’s dream, I was driving him to the Queen’s Conference on the Status of Women. Fine, no problem. But he kept asking me if my daughter was learning to code. I pretended not to speak English, but he switched to Arabic.” Omar rubbed his bloodshot eyes as he continued to chain-smoke Marlboros. “I feel sick. If this does not stop before next month’s UNESCO Seminar on Agriculture, I’m going to lose my mind.”

As if this were not bad enough, Omar’s problems are beginning to affect his marriage. Omar’s wife Fatima spoke to the Daily Freier about how these nightmares have stressed their relationship. “All of my other girlfriends are worried that their husbands are betting on horses too much or seeing a younger woman…… you know, normal problems. But my Omar? This bad man Mister Thomas has made him majnoon. Just last week he was talking in his sleep about a high-speed rail link between Aqaba and Mecca that would be funded by India’s second-most popular Soap Opera actress and Mark Zuckerberg.

The Daily Freier tried to reach out to Mr. Friedman for comment on this unfolding tragedy, but his personal assistant said that he was busy writing a Think-Piece for the New York Times arguing that the Six Day War could have been avoided if Nasser had Instagram.