Month: August 2017

In major North Korea escalation, U.S. Navy reinstates men-only jorts volleyball, Kenny Loggins music

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/18/2017 at 4:00 PM

PACOM, Hawaii: As tensions rise between the United State and North Korea, today American Naval Aviation in the Pacific Theater of Operations went from Threat Condition Charlie all the way to “Threat Condition The Danger Zone“. With the two nations at a seeming impasse over the Hermit Kingdom’s nuclear program, the U.S. Navy has instructed its personnel to enter a higher state of alert. Despite the current crisis somehow having nothing to do with Israel, The Daily Freier somehow got ahold of a press pass and sat in on a briefing at Pacific Command Headquarters.

Lieutenant Commander (LCDR) Brad Johnson, Public Affairs Spokesperson, explained the new state of alert as he went through a PowerPoint presentation for the assembled press corps. “Male Personnel are expected to shave and wax their upper body, apply a very oily sunscreen, strip down to jean shorts…. but keep their dog tags on, and proceed to the nearest beach volleyball court for muster. At this point Kenny Loggins will perform his hit song ‘Playing with the Boys‘. Touching each other briefly on the butt during organized competition is OK, but must be proceeded or preceded by a high-five.” LCDR Johnson turned nervously to an Admiral sitting to his right. “Sir, are you Positive this is what the Navy was like back in the 80’s?”

LCDR Johnson went on to explain that not only will the music of Popular 80’s rocker Kenny Loggins play a part in the increased state of readiness, but that the singer himself was in fact currently sitting in on joint planning sessions as an advisor. You know, like he did on Archer.

At one point during the presentation, the Daily Freier offered to help mediate the dispute with North Korea, as we have a bit of history in this department. But Lieutenant Commander Johnson ignored us.

Val Kilmer could not be reached for comment.


So you’re an Oleh converting a foreign drivers license? My mother’s brother’s former roommate’s boyfriend’s vaad bayit has all the answers!

Israeli Drivers license Daily FreierBy Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/17/2017 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: So in a surprise move, the Israeli Government passed a law making life easier for Olim. Now, you can update your foreign drivers license without making a hefty contribution to the totally-not-corrupt Israeli Driving Instructor racket  Industry! And this being a country run by Jews, the entire process is being conducted with a sense of efficiency and transparency that can be compa….. Just Kidding!!! The whole thing is a total mess! And we love it! Because it just cured our 2 week case of Writer’s Block! The Daily Freier loitered outside of various Motor Vehicle Departments and trolled Keep Olim in Israel in order to get all the facts. For you. Our readers.

While standing around at the entrance to the Misrad HaRishui, the Daily Freier ran into our very own Emily Goldstein, who was also waiting to convert her Maryland Drivers license and shared her knowledge to-date of the process. “So remember that guy from our MASA program? The one from London with the really cute accent? No, not that guy…… The other one. So I saw him at Frishman Beach last week and…. OMG he had a totally flat stomach and I could see all of his abs! Wait, where was I? OK. He told me that his Ulpan teacher’s dad owns a makolet, and last week the guy who delivers energy drinks told him that you need to bring your old license, your new license, a bag of bamba, and a piece of green paper or something. I’m totally excited to start driving!”

As we spoke to Emily, Alert Local Ronit S. overheard our conversation and offered to share her knowledge on this vital subject. “So I was going out with this guy in Florentin? But not really going out. He’s kind of an idiot. But whatever. Anyway, his roommate’s mom goes to the same doctor as a woman who works at the Misrad HaRishui in Ramat Gan. And she said that in order for Olim to convert their license, they need to bring a letter from their High School Principal, a picture in which you’re wearing eyeglasses, and a Rav Kav. Also, you should do the whole thing by Fax.

We were starting to despair from the conflicting information, so we decided to just drink coffee hafuch and scan Keep Olim in Israel for a few hours…. and, miraculously, we discovered all of the answers that we have been seeking! Here it is….

Walk into your favorite optometrist and just hand them some money. Then go to your nearest motor vehicle department. Unless you live in Beit Shemesh or Ra’anaana. Then you should go someplace else. Once you’re inside, Look for the smartest person you see and give them  your old eyeglasses, your Teudat Oleh, and your Biometric Passport. Or a letter from your Rabbi back home. Wait 5 days, then bring your teudat Zeut and your latest water bill to your nearest post office. Cut the line and tell them that you know Moti. Your license should then arrive in the mail within 5-6 business days. Unless it’s Chag.