Ben Gurion International Airport: As World Leaders depart Israel after paying their respects to the late Statesman Shimon Peres, United States Secretary of State has added another diplomatic feather to his cap, having successfully negotiated a 7,000 Shekel ($1,800) taxi cab ride from Jerusalem to Ben Gurion International Airport. The Daily Freier spoke with Mr. Kerry at Terminal One about how he successfully secured the price for his 34 mile journey with Shlomo, a Jerusalem cab driver.
“Having been in the diplomatic game for some time, I have an appreciation for the subtleties and nuance of Middle Eastern discourse and bargaining that may escape others.” explained the Secretary of State before launching into a small anecdote about how Akko reminds him of Martha’s Vineyard.
As frantic interns scurried from point to point in the newsroom grabbing messages from the old-time teletype machine and carrying coffee, the editorial staff gathered for a nervous meeting in the conference room. Yuval Weiss opened the meeting. “This is insane. It’s almost as if Jonny is testing us. Just to see how we react.” Guest Writer Lee Saunders was in a state of shock, almost bereft of his Droll English wit. “This is madness. A Secret Tel Aviv Sperm Bank??? Who knows what sort of wankers will show up.” Like we said, almost bereft.
Meanwhile, Dating and Relationships Columnist Emily Goldstein and Guest Writer Mia Deych were growing progressively angrier as they reviewed the list of guys who “liked” the original post for the Sperm Bank on Secret Tel Aviv. Mia explained. “At least 3 of these guys had at one time told one of us that they “weren’t looking for anything long-term.” So they couldn’t commit but now they’re just going to throw their DNA out there to random women in Tel Aviv? What the Hell? …. Also, me and Emily compared notes and one of the guys used the same line on both of us.”
While the bulk of the Daily Freier staff struggled with the New Normal, reporter Aaron Pomerantz walked down to Secret Tel Aviv to get all the facts.
Tel Aviv: Late wonder-nun Mother Teresa is now officially a Saint, 19 years after her death in India at the age of 87. Following a complex and frankly tedious process, the Catholic Church has collected enough documents and testimony to make her a Saint, a title reserved for people considered so holy during their lives that are they considered to be with God and can actually perform miracles.
Israeli supermodel and part-time taxpayer Bar Refaeli was said to be devastated, angered that Sainthood does not exist in Judaism, or to the living, especially as her magic was not applauded when it came to her income tax forms.
Taking a short break from shopping for lipstick, Refaeli told the Daily Freier: “I know she helped people in the slums of Calcutta but I made a quite frankly hilarious video for ‘Funny or Die‘. And without expecting a thank you.”
Like a Biblical X-Factor, the Vatican goes through several stages, to include:
Reading the testimonies from sick people who have been cured
Ploughing through a heap of local references
Sending documents to the Judges’ Houses, the Theologians, to see if you are even worth the trouble.
A hopeful Refaeli noted: “I dated DiCaprio for a while and that is always worth a few brownie points at the Pearly Gates, although I am not sure, with him being a gentile, whether the Rabbis would let that slide. I mean at least he wasn’t Reform.”
If a potential Saint gets through this stage, you then have to prove that you performed a miracle, such as healing the sick. While Ms. Teresa cured a woman of stomach tumors after the victim prayed to her, Refaeli said she once kissed an aspirin and gave it to her sister and the migraine disappeared instantly. There were some gasps among theologians at this point, who added: “Ms Refaeli, you are quite something else.”
This stage, called beatification, and less painful than it sounds, is followed by the need for a second miracle, like Leicester FC winning the Premier League or Trump being nice to foreigners. Once that is complete, you are considered a Saint.
There appears to be some hope for Ms. Refaeli. The Saint-making machine has not been exempt from corruption and backhanders for many years so if she gets her furry alligator purse out, she may yet get a day named after her.
(Editor’s Note: See the video version of this article here!)
By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 9/27/2016 at 5:45 PM
Tel Aviv, LaSalle: Today the Daily Freier shares a story of setbacks, the Triumph of the Human Spirit, and an inability to memorize basic verb forms. Now entering his 8th year in Kita Bet, Oleh Not-So-Hadash Jeff S. is still unable to pass the end of course exam, and is thus trapped inside of the Ulpan Gordon Language School in Tel Aviv. The Daily Freier spoke with Jeff during his 10 AM break.
Despite Jeff’s failings as a student, the dedicated faculty have not given up on him. When he finally mastered Past Tense Verbs last year, the teachers threw him a party. “It was kind of like a Bar Mitzvah.” explained Ulpan Gordon’s Principal, wiping away tears. “And when he made the Bracha on the wine, he was just as illiterate as he was back in 2009.”
Unable to graduate and thus depart the premises, Jeff survives from day-to-day on the snack bar, occasional birthday cake, and emergency rations from the U.S. Embassy Citizens’ Services Section. Various Birthright tours passing through drop off messages from his family, as well as Hebrew flashcards.
The years of isolation have taken their toll on Jeff. He currently makes cultural reference from the 2000’s Decade, to include “Friendster“, “You’re Fired“, and “The OC“. He is currently unaware of Post-First Generation iPhones. His “Arrested Development” quotes are still funny though.
Jeff has become somewhat of an institution at Ulpan Gordon. His current teacher, Shirli, is in fact the daughter of his first teacher in 2009, Nava. “B’zrat HaShem, some day my granddaughter or grandson will teach him.” mused Nava. Shirli also shared her mother’s affection for Jeff. “He gets along really well with my family. My five-year old Uri adores him. But lately, Uri’s been expanding his vocabulary and finds their conversations somewhat limited and a bit boring.”
In addition to Jeff’s friendships with the faculty, he has managed to maintain somewhat of a social life as well. In 2010, Jeff dated, married, and got divorced from a French Olah in his class. Nava explained the situation to us. “We held the reception in the auditorium. We had soda, cake, and a slide show. It was actually quite tasteful.” In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier contacted Joane, Jeff’s ex. “I really enjoyed class with Jeff. But he was never there for me to help around the house.” explained Joane.
Many people wonder just how this tragedy has been allowed to go on so long. The Daily Freier contacted the Misrad HaKlitah (Ministry of Absorbtion) to find out. “Normally, recent immigrants are only granted 5 months of free Hebrew lessons.” explained Uzi, from the Front Desk. “But we really just want to see where this ends up. So every 5 months we extend his benefits. We actually have a bit of a betting pool going.” Uzi then lowered his voice to a whisper and leaned in closer to us. “By the way, just curious, but when you saw him, was he able to name all of the Hebrew Vowels yet?”
The Daily Freier then contacted Nefesh B’Nefesh to demand answers on how they allowed this situation to continue. A Dati Leumi woman from their Jerusalem Office named BatSheva or Elisheva or JustSheva answered our phone call. “Whenever an Oleh from North America stays here more than six months without moving back, we consider this a win. So he’s really good for our statistics.”
UPDATE: The IDF mounted a clandestine operation this evening to rescue Jeff from Ulpan Gordon, as they have a Squad Leader position in their Olah Hadashah Code Talker Unit that needs to be filled.
Ramat Gan: Israeli interpretations of traditional Western dress codes can … umm… surprise uninformed business partners or wedding guests. Fashion experts at Ramat Gan’s Shenkar College have decided to solve this problem and provide visitors with detailed explanations of how one should dress for any given occasion in Israel.
The Daily Freier met up for a late breakfast with Moran H. from the Faculty of Fashion and Design, in order to get the “word on the Derech” on this important topic for society. Moran explained some of the local nuances. “So, let’s start with smart casual: business usually black shoes, white shirts, blazers for men and knee-length skirts or dresses, blouses and closed-toe shoes for women – these are the absolute fanciest outfits most Israelis will ever ever place in their wardrobe….Especially men.” Moran rolled her eyes while mixing sucrazit into her soymilk hafuch. “You can wear those for business meetings if you want to look swanky. But smart casual in Israel includes but is not limited to tank tops, shorts, rompers and of course flip-flops!” As Moran spoke, The Daily Freier uncomfortably tried to hide our 40-shekel flip-flops that we got from the Shuk.
“Informal or business attire is rare in Israel. I guess you could wear a suit and tie to a wedding, but don’t make a fool of yourself wearing a bow-tie or Oxford shoes.” chuckled Moran as she cut into her gluten-free vegan pancakes. “For women there are much more options from your strapless summer dress with floral prints to a beaded evening gown from Allenby Street or whatever you wear to Clara on Thursday nights. And don’t forget to put a pair of flip-flops in your bag if you are going to be wearing high-heels.”
“How about Black Tie, formal wear?” queried the Daily Freier. “Do you mean tuxedos or ball dresses? Leave them for Purim!” Moran waved away dismissively.
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: City residents are reminded that Permits to park wherever the hell they please are now available at all Israel Post locations. The permits, which render a vehicle immune from such mundane concepts as municipal ordinances and the laws of physics, allow the holder to park his or her car totally on the sidewalk, halfway between designated spots, or basically anywhere they think they can fit their vehicle on any given day. The Daily Freier walked down to the Post Office by Dizengoff and Nordau to see for ourselves and maybe even pick up a permit or two.
Israel Post Regional Manager Yossi P. greeted us and walked us through the permit concept. “This is a real moneymaker for Cities and Towns across Israel. Basically, since everyone just does whatever they want with their cars anyway, why not make a few Shekels for Schools and Youth Sports Clubs? The Post Office collects a 5% Commission so it is a real win-win. But as great as this program is, we strive to ensure that it does not take us away from our Core Competency of delivering the Mail efficiently and accurately.” Then he started laughing.
Permits cost 250 Shekels for 6 months, or 400 Shekels for the year. While the sales campaign was considered a huge success, some city residents also offered suggestions and advice to improve the program. Alert Local Ronit S. asked Israel Post if maybe they could sell permits next year to exempt electric bicycles from stopping at red lights or for people in their way.
Tel Aviv: The city is abuzz this weekend with some exciting action: the competition to be named “Tel Aviv’s Next Top Shitty Bartender“. Tel Aviv Municipality’s Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. explained. “While it’s true that the Imperial Cocktail Bar was recognized as the Best in the Middle East, we felt that this discriminated against one of the Start-Up Nation’s Core Competencies: Indifferent or Slightly Hostile Customer Service.” Safir took the Daily Freier down to the competition site on Ben Yehuda Street to scope out the talent.
The Municipality had set up a mock bar where competitors were run through realistic scenarios to include:
“Customer just interrupted you while you were texting your boyfriend.“
“Customer wants ice.”
“Customer at all-you-can-drink event has the chutzpah to ask for another drink.”
While all of the competitors were amazing, some simply stood out for their awesome lack of a give-a-shit. The Daily Freier spoke with one of the stars, a guy named Avner, about the events so far.
“So these people kept annoying the hell out of me. Just really stressing me out. What do you call those idiots who hang around the bar asking for things when you’re trying to check Tinder or work on your Start-up?”
The Daily Freier helpfully added “Customers?”
“Yeah that’s it. Anyways, these ‘Customers‘ kept bothering me. I mean, it’s not like I work for tips or anything.”
The Daily Freier then spoke with Romi, who seemed a bit frustrated from one of the tougher scenarios: “Giving the customer change“.
“OK, this guy gave me 200 shekels for a 135 shekel bill.” explained Romi. “So the idiot kept waiting for me to give him some money back or something. Whatever. I just assumed that the rest was my tip. I mean, I’m kinda hot.”
After being tested for three hours, Sapir was ready to crown a guy named Yoav the winner. Unfortunately Yoav stepped out for a smoke break thirty minutes earlier and had not yet returned.
Barcelona: A Women-Only “Flotilla to Gaza” has run into an unexpected problem after getting lost somewhere between Barcelona and Sardinia. The Flotilla, which set out to show Solidarity with a regime that promotes Honor Killings and Polygamy the women of Gaza, has been at sea for four days and according to the latest Blog entry of Bree Skyfire-Williams, one of the Ship’s four Co-Captains, they have “like no idea where they are” and “need to maybe stop another ship and ask for directions or something.” The Daily Freier was able to communicate further with the crew via What’s-App whenever they got some decent Wi-Fi.
“I think our problems started before we even got on the boat.” explained Jade, who took a month off of work from her job at the World Bank in order to participate. Jade, who was appointed to the Packing and Supply Committee, described the chain of events. “I mean our Ships’ Manifest didn’t account for everyone packing way too much stuff for the trip.” To further drive home this point, Jade showed us the packing list of Melissa from the (Fair Trade) Coffee Committee:
“A cold weather outfit, a warm weather outfit, some formal wear in case we go some place nice, a hat, boots, my laptop, Uggs, a yoga mat, yoga pants, French press, a little black dress, 5 swimsuits, hair dryer, 9 pairs of shoes, waffle iron, Crocs, coconut oil, scrunchies, my journal, crystals, ‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho, a headscarf, and my rice cooker.”
The boat suffered a further delay when after stopping to ask some Moroccan fishermen how to get to “The Occupied Territories“, the fishermen directed the boat to Ceuta and Melilla.
As the ship continued to flounder lost at sea, Hanin Zoabi attempted to steer the ship “properly“, leaving some hurt feelings. Bree explained. “I just feel that Hanin’s tone was being like, really hurtful? The navigation committee worked on our planned route for like six months? And changing course is a really big step? I just think we really need to discuss this. And discuss. And discuss. And discuss.”
In a separate conversation, Laurel provided a counterpoint to Bree’s contention. “I don’t want to say that she’s jealous, but ever since I was elected to chair the meals and snacks committee, Bree has just been making some real sniping comments without actually contributing to any of the constructive dialogue.”
When Bree got wind of Laurel’s position, she replied. “I mean, this is coming from a very deep and sacred place? But I really can’t stand Laurel.”
While the Israeli Navy has demonstrated a noted sense of relief from the Flotilla’s Delay, they maintain a contingency plan: an all-Frechot boarding team consisting of Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav.
At last report, the Flotilla had diverted to Tuscany in order to go antiquing this Sunday.
London: The Daily Freier joins the Staff of Israellycool in mourning one Big Naqba of a Breakup: The end of the Roger Waters-Rula Jebreal Couplehood. The BDS power couple, who seemed to have more sexual chemistry than Yassar Arafat and his bodyguards back in the ’70’s that special spark, called it quits. Rula apparently spent the morning returning all of the gifts Roger had given her, to include 3 keffiyehs, some really good hummus from Jericho, and a sturdy shovel.