By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 3/30/2015 at 11:30 AM
North Tel Aviv: The Tel Aviv Municipality kicks off its annual “Park Like a Total Dick” championship, challenging its residents to compete to find out who can annoy, inconvenience, and endanger their fellow citizens with the most flair, panache, and originality. Representatives from the City’s Department of Cultural Affairs will be touring the city this week on the look-out for those among us who go the extra mile in turning their problem into our problem.
Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. explained, “We will be judging based on the criteria of ‘Inconvenience to the Public’, ‘Lack of Empathy for Others’, ‘Chutzpah’, ‘Creates a Public Hazard’, and ‘ Lack of Awareness that What They’re Doing is Actually Wrong’.” Ms. Safir explained the final criteria: “What we’re really looking for is somebody who thinks that what they’re doing is perfectly OK, and that YOU’RE the idiot for questioning them. I don’t think it’s possible to win this spirited contest if you actually have any self-awareness.”. Last year’s winner, Moti C, won a parking pass good for the entire year of his crown and allowing him to park anywhere he wanted in Tel Aviv………as opposed to the year before he won the competition, when he……..parked anywhere he wanted in Tel Aviv.
Despite the competition’s name, Safir stressed that it is actually open to men and women. Incidentally, as we spoke, Ms. Safir rushed over to notify a woman parking in the crosswalk on Ben Yehuda across from the SuperSol Market that she was in fact a finalist. At which point the finalist looked at us like we were from Mars, told us we were in her way, and brushed by us as she walked into that frozen yogurt place on the corner.
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 3/25/2015 at 2:30 PM
Tel Aviv: The cops at the police station on Dizengoff Street, ostensibly employed by the same government that meticulously discovered, tracked, and captured prominent Nazi Adolph Eichmann, have absolutely no idea what happened to your yellow Diamondback mountain bike that you left locked to the railing behind your apartment last night.
“You mean to tell me that bicycles are stolen from North and Central Tel Aviv and then sold in South Tel Aviv?” asked a policeman incredulously, just about a mile from the Headquarters where the IDF planned the 1981 destruction of Saddam Hussein’s nuclear reactor at Osirak.
Another policeman (you think his name is Moti. Or maybe Dudi.), also employed by the government that executed the daring 1976 Raid on Entebbe, interjected “And you’re saying that the bikes are just sold out in the open? On the street?”
The shift chief (wait, this guy is “Dudi”. You think.), in a police station 20 minutes away from where the Mossad tracked in real-time the assassination of Hezbollah mastermind Imad Mugniyeh (STRICTLY A FANCIFUL JEST!!! —The Legal Department), asks “And these bikes are stolen, sold, stolen again, and then re-sold???”
The first cop, again a civil servant in the same government that in 2002 successfully interdicted the Iranian weapons ship “Karine A”, notes dryly “You seem to know a lot about these bikes. Why don’t you just go there and get your bike back?”
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 3/23/2015 at 9:20 PM
Tel Aviv, Sheinkin Street: This week’s post-election assessment seminar, an attempt by the losing parties to draw lessons learned and better prepare for the next election, was forced to adjourn when none of the attendees could fathom that anyone voted for a different party.
Ramat Aviv resident Danny C. was incredulous. “I don’t get it. Nobody at my start-up, nobody in my improv group, literally nobody at the Namal Market–none of them voted differently than me. I just don’t get it.” Neve Tzedek resident Dalit S. was equally dumbfounded. “It just doesn’t make sense. I asked everyone at Bikram….nobody. I also wait tables at that vegan place over by Dizengoff Center. Again, none of my customers voted for those other people.” In a moment of clarity, Florentin resident Roni P. reflected “It’s almost as if there is some other existence on the other side of Ayalon Highway. I would like to learn more of this other dimension of existence, but I fear approaching the Forbidden Zone. I could fall off of the Edge of the World.“
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 3/22/2015 at 5:20 PM
Tel Aviv As the repercussions of last week’s elections continue to ripple through Israel, the Haaretz editorial board has decided that the most appropriate service it can render its readership this week is not a newspaper, but rather some tissues, a box of chocolates, and a good tear-jerker of a movie. “Our readers are hurting, and we need to help them.” read Haaretz Editorial Board’s statement last night. “We felt that for the Left, this would be the most cathartic response to what happened. In addition, it might stop some of us from telling our political opponents that they are Neanderthals who should drink cyanide (Note: This really happened!)“. With the success of their newspaper replacement this week, Haaretz plans to replace its online edition with an Itunes Playlist consisting of songs by Morrissey, The Cure, and Dido.