Month: February 2018

Who says you need Hebrew to land a high-paying job?

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 2/27/2018 at 10:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: Finally, a job that understands me! “ Dovid C., a Ramat Beit Shemesh resident enthused about a cryptic job posting which appeared on Janglo, Secret Jerusalem and Keep Olim in Israel. The post, which received 20,000 hits in the first two minutes after it was posted, promised a high salary, short work hours and stipulated no other qualifications other than the ability to speak English. Curiously enough, applicants were also asked to send a current photo and a list of favorite restaurants.

I have a lot to offer employers, I mean, I speak English….. that’s worth a lot, I deserve to be paid at least as much as someone with a master’s degree… because I speak English!” said Dovid, who has extensive job experience as a dog walker, a waiter for his uncle’s catering company and as a Bar Mitzvah tutor. Also, as he reminded the Daily Freier, he speaks English. Therefore, Dovid, along with thousands of other hopefuls, confidently sent in his application.

The Daily Freier did some investigating (OK, we admit it… we sent in a resume too.) and discovered that the job posting was a ruse concocted by Rivky J., a shadchanit. “So, I have this really cute single cousin in Netanya. But she’s a little shy, so I thought this would be a great way to find some guys to introduce her to.” she explained. “By the way, that’s us in the picture above.

Well the people of Israel did not take this deception very well at all. In fact, the reaction was quite swift, starting with a leading high-tech staffing firm in the Mercaz, who offered Rivky a job as a recruiter, citing her keen abilities in make false promises and lead people on. “I don’t want to be a recruiter!” Rivky protested. “All the guys I interviewed kept talking about what they expected… gluten-free cappuccino and organic cotton office chairs. I’d rather stick to a field where people have realistic expectations… you know, like shidduchim.

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The Daily Freier Helps Reem Assil Choose a Mural for Her New Restaurant

From the Office of the Daily Freier

Central Bus Station, 4th Floor

Occupied Yafa, Tel Aviv
The Zionist Entity Israel


Yo Reem!

On behalf of the Daily Freier and Israellycool, congrats on your new restaurant! Not to get too East Bay, but Hella Proud, know what I’m sayin’? Anyhoo, you know what every restaurant needs?

A gigantic pepper shaker? No.

Extra pumpkin spice? No & No.

A big mural of an “Activist” like Rasmea Odeh? Yass Queen!

And if we’re going to ‘normalize struggle’ (Your words!), why stop with Rasmea? Let’s bring in more members of the Resistance! And in the interest of caring, we decided to help you come up with a great idea for a mural!

(The Daily Freier wrote this over on Israellycool. Check out the whole article here!)

Scenes from next week’s episode of “Purim: SVU”

(Photo Credit: We took a picture from Wikimedia Commons and pasted the SVU Logo onto it)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 2/21/2018 at 8:30 PM

Shushan: For centuries, people have remembered where they were when Haman, one of Judaism’s super villains, was hanged. They have swung their rattles, expressed their rage and stuffed their faces. But for 2,300 years, one question has continued to pester us:

Haman. Did he act alone? ….. Or, like he said when he was being led out of the Dallas Shushan Jail: was he just a patsy?

Now, light has been shed on that timeless mystery after the ganze megilla was published by the Israel Museum. We now know not only did the dark and brooding Haman NOT act alone, but he may NOT have demanded Mordechai’s execution at all. After the FBI and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit hacked into the computers of Haman’s 10 sons, they discovered a browser history of Biblical porn and a picture of a sultry Esther parading on a horse. Oh and they also discovered some stuff that’s relevent to the case.

One PDF of a parchment scroll revealed that Haman, real name Hymie Gershowitz, had an insurance business which went under after his star salesman left to set up Mordechai & Sons. With Haman’s sons! After taking over two floors somewhere in Tel Aviv’s Azrieli Towers, Mordechai’s business grew and was listed on the New York Stock Exchange.

It was the ultimate betrayal. My boys? He can have them. But would a phone call have killed him?” lamented Haman on his Blog. “Maybe a ‘Hey Hymie, I’m expanding, come for a bagel nosh, we’ll talk.’ But no. Bubkes. Zilch. Nada.

I mean, I tried looking for him… But there were so many lookalikes, roaming round Dizengoff Center, I gave up. Also a bunch of women dressed like Esther. You know, the hardest thing in Tel Aviv is figuring out if someone is in their Purim costume or just, you know, being themselves.

Training for war, Hezbollah builds realistic model of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like pee

 October 29, 2017 Training for war, Hezbollah builds a mock-up of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like peeBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/14/2018 at 8:30 PM

Bekaa Valley, Lebanon: With this week’s little misunderstanding with our Northern neighbors, it appears that the region is one step closer to war. Yes, despite last Autumn’s highly effective #IsraelLovesLebanon hashtag campaign, it appears that not everyone is feeling the love. In fact, Iran continues to arm Hezbollah with advanced weaponry, including its latest “Ben Rhodes” Missile. Yet today the Daily Freier discovered an even more serious escalation: Hezbollah has turned an isolated part of the Bekaa Valley into a realistic simulation of Tel Aviv in which to train its troops. In fact, this “Little Tel Aviv” is so realistic, it’s overpriced, covered in cannabis smoke, full of electric bikes, and smells like dried pee. In order to get a better picture of the situation, the Daily Freier interviewed a Hezbollah representative named “Ali” via Skype.

Yesterday, we tested one of our squads on what it would be like to be inserted into the city.” explained Ali. “So they hid out in a cafe until dark and ended up spending all of their allotted funds on 30 Shekel cups of coffee. And when they went outside at nightfall, their bikes had been stolen.”

As Ali continued his description, volunteers were visible in the background chugging large amounts of water and tea in order to help put the finishing touches on the city’s unique aromas. “We had to postpone last week’s exercise after our mortar squad tried to take a shortcut through the Namal port and ran out of funds.” Ali then introduced the mortar team leader, Hassan. “We were moving through the Namal and saw a Shuk, so we said ‘Hey, let’s stop for supplies.’ An hour later we wandered out with 4 white potatoes and a jar of tahina for 150 Shekels….. They said it was organic.”

To make matters worse, Ali revealed that their Logistics Unit quit halfway through the Exercise and decided to form a start-up. “Now they just stand on the roof all day with their shirts off playing ping-pong.

Ali also explained that the problems reached as far as Hezbollah’s Women’s Auxiliary. “Zeynep is one of our sisters in the Resistance who served as a role player in ‘Little Tel Aviv’. But last week she bought a small dog and now she has a fitness-themed Instagram page that tries to sell you nutrition supplements and organic smoothies.”

As we ended the chat, Ali explained that next week their simulated Tel Aviv would receive a massive infusion of people speaking nothing but French.

The Daily Freier asks Putin for his Tel Aviv apartment

To: Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation

4 Staraya Square

Moscow, Russia 103132

—————–

From: Office of the Daily Freier

Tel Aviv Central Bus Station, 4th Floor

Next to the Asian Grocery (Not that one, the other one)


Tovarisch!

Greetings from Tel Aviv! How are things in Moscow? Cold? We bet! While we still haven’t been to Moscow, we HAVE been to Ulpan Gordon, and it’s kind of similar! Anyhoo,we know you respect people who are direct and to the point (Hi Donald!) , so we will get right to be point:

Please Please Please give us the Tel Aviv apartment you just inherited.

We know that in the past you have given apartments to random Jews. And, Hey! We are Jews too! And, trust us, we are Random. Plus, our apartment is giving us allergies. It’s like the mold colony has its own personality or something. So we are really counting on you doing us a solid and letting us stay in your new apartment. But we also know you are a businessman, so we are willing to offer terms:

The Daily Freier will run at least one shirtless photo of you per month. With a gun. Or a crossbow. Maybe a photo of you on horseback. Or interacting with wildlife! The sky is the limit! Plus, we will satirize the hell out of Ukraine’s leadership. Just really give them the business. Know what we’re saying? Also, we are willing to pay the Arnona and Va’ad Bayit. Is the Va’ad Bayit OK? Does he actually fix anything? Let us know.

Thanks for keeping us in mind!

 

Yours in Freierhood,

 

 

The Daily Freier Staff

Following Canada’s lead, Israel to replace HaTikva with “more inclusive” anthem

By Chava Ewa and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/6/2018 at 5:00 PM

Jerusalem: The search is on for a new Israeli national anthem: one which is inclusive, sensitive and non-offensive. A source in the Prime minister’s office tells the Daily Freier that the Prime minister was inspired by Canadian Prime Minister Justin Zoolander Trudeau’s bold move of altering Canada’s national anthem to gender-neutral wording (yes… really.) “Hatikva is a pretty song, but it fails to take into account the people who actually don’t have hope…. you know, like people holding for Hot Cable’s Customer Service, the people waiting for Tel Aviv’s light rail, and your friend who is still stuck at the Department of Motor Vehicles in Beit Shemesh.” noted Ari S., an aide in the Prime Minister’s Public Relations Office.  “And what about the line “Ayin l’tzion tsofiya“… it’s so insensitive to the Blind!”

Bibi is obsessed with Canada.” Ari explained. “He’s kinda jealous of all the attention Canadian Prime minister Justin Trudeau gets… and Justin’s majestic head of hair.” Ari revealed that the Prime minister called an all-night staff meeting to determine why Canada is popular and Israel isn’t. “Somebody suggested that the difference in popularity was due to… you know…. the latent worldwide climate of Anti-Semitism… but that got shot down when one of Bibi’s assistants brought up the fact that Israeli ice hockey still sucks and that it’s difficult to find good poutine in the Mercaz, let alone in the periphery.

The new inclusive, gender-neutral, non-discriminatory national anthem is currently being recorded as a duet by Dana International and Noa. And in a cool tie-in, on the same day as the release of the single, the Wildlife Authority will release a herd of moose into the Golan Heights. “This is going to be the most Canadian thing ever.” explained Ari. “More Canadian than Gordon Lighfoot and Shania Twain drunk-driving a Zamboni machine into a Tim Horton’s.”

Drake had no comment.

Tell the Knesset to end Oren Hazan’s suspension NOW!

Sign the Daily Freier’s petition to reinstate Oren Hazan today!


We hereby demand that the Knesset reinstate MK Oren Hazan, immediately and unconditionally. Why? Because we are trying to run a humor site over here, and Oren is the greatest cure to writer’s block since Yair Netanyahu stopped inviting us out to the clubs.

Without Oren Hazan around, who is going to wave a tasty Tortit brand chocolate bar in Aymen Odeh’s face? Nobody, that’s who.

Without Mr. Hazan, who is going to cluck like a chicken during an argument with Ahmed Tibi? Huh?

Not to mention the fact that this suspension is putting at risk the Knesset’s greatest “Fun Couple”: Oren and Hanin Zoabi. Without Mr. Hazan around, nobody knows what Ms. Zoabi will do next. Actually, we have an idea. But it’s nuts.

Bottom Line: The Knesset needs to reinstate Mr. Hazan, so the Daily Freier can go back to writing stories that really just write themselves.

So write to feedback@knesset.gov.il today, and tell them to bring back Oren now!