Month: February 2022

Peter Beinart builds Bi-National State in Minecraft & moves there

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/22/2022 at 3:30 PM

Mojang: Once again leading the way in the field of Performative As-A-Jewdaism, Peter Beinart spent the past six months designing a Bi-National Palestinian/Jewish State in the Minecraft Multiverse! That’s right, Peter painstakingly built a Virtual One State Solution, thus fulfilling all of the great ideas he’s been trying to sell us for the last couple years. The work was hard, but Mr. Beinart is a builder. Today Peter took the bold step of moving there to live permanently.

This is a bit of a turnabout for Mr. Beinart, who was still considered somewhat of a Liberal Zionist until a few years ago. However, as time went on and actual Israelis continued to disappoint him, Mr. Beinart slowly moved away from Zionism. He finally broke with Zionism after he read a book by the guy who founded Electric Intifada. (He. Really. Said. This.) Peter now refers to himself as a “Cultural Zionist who believes in the Right of Return“, which appears to be the last Rest Area on Peter’s personal Road Trip to his very own virtual Shtetl. The Daily Freier saw it all coming a mile away and actually ran a betting pool on this very topic. Think of us as the Moe Greenes of Anglo-Infused Israeli satire. Or not.*

(We are published on Israellycool today. Follow this Link to read the whole story!)

 

Crisis: Dimona runs Heater & TV at same time, trips Circuit Breaker

(Photo Credit: Daily Freier Tourism)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 2/9/2022 at 11:30 AM

Dimona: A serious accident was narrowly averted today at the Dimona Reactor after night-shift personnel turned on the Television in the break room while the heater was running and tripped the circuit breaker. For those who are unfamiliar, this has been a particularly cold winter in Israel, with temperatures plunging low enough that people from actual cold place like Chicago or Canada continue to make fun of us.  Yet people who actually live in Israel lose their mind when the temperature drops below 50 degrees Fahrenheit (12 Hectares). In addition, Israel was in such a hurry to establish itself and build housing and workplaces for the in-gathering of Exiles that we forgot the minor detail of “insulation.” Then there’s the electricity thing. To the best of our knowledge, Israeli buildings had their electric outlets installed by ferrets suffering from ADHD. So the whole thing is a Balagan.

When the circuit breaker popped early this morning, the shift workers were in a panic until one of them noticed a magnet on the side of the reactor with the name of a good Installator/Electrician who showed up promptly and fixed the problem for a reasonable price (OK, we admit that this part of the story is absurd). Things were back to normal by the 8 AM Shift Change.

It’s a good thing there’s no nuclear weapons down there or this would have been a Real Crisis.

 

 

 

“But I Love those Jewish Crackers!” Whoopi Goldberg clarifies her views on Race

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/3/2022 at 6:30 PM

Hollywood: First off, who among us does not Love Love Love the Feisty Ladies of The View? Guilty Pleasure Alert: We’ve been watching since the days of Barbara Wawa and Star Jones! But anyhoo, it appears that, and some of you may want to sit down for this, sometimes the Hosts expound very confidently on things they have NO CLUE about. And this was one of these times. In conjunction with Holocaust Remembrance Day, Ms. Goldberg noted that the Shoah was just a really big example of White-on-White Crime. You see, now that “Whiteness” is something that can get you in trouble, Jews are White. It’s a magic trick! We’re Commies! We’re Bankers! We keep to ourselves too much! We blend in too much! We’re a bunch of weaklings! We’re mean powerful bullies!

Anyway, things got crazy QUICK. The next day Whoopi (Real Name: Caryn!) gave a nice apology, but then she Doubled Down on Silly when she went on the Colbert Show. Then she went to the Woke Dorks at the Anti-Defamation League and Jonathan Greenblatt absolved her of any sins. In our opinion, if you’re going to try to get your sins washed away by beseeching a Jew, just go to Nazareth.

Finally, the Network Bosses decided to suspend her for a week from the View. (Editors Note: The Daily Freier does not support Ms. Goldberg’s suspension. If famous people were prevented from saying silly or dumb things in public, we would need to get real jobs.) It was at this point where the Daily Freier contacted Whoopi to kibbitz about how dreamy Captain Picard was back in the day in order to clear the air. Whoopi was adamant that she was a fan of the Jewish People, and talked about her specific love for Matzoh. Yet for some reason she kept calling it “Those Jewish Crackers“. Basically, we tried to find common ground, mostly because we were DYING to hear her say “Ditto“. But she didn’t.

Tonight we’re going to eat a special brownie and watch “Sister Act” and see if it makes any more sense this time.