Category: BDS

Linda Sarsour: Time Traveler. The Golda Meir episode

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

SCENE: Somewhere beneath the Knesset. Late Summer, 1972. A woman with graying black hair put up in a bun and wearing a string of pearls is speaking to 7 men sitting around a table. One of them has an eye patch. None of the men are speaking. Suddenly, a woman wearing a mustard hijab over a charcoal-grey jacket materializes, Star Trek Style. She’s been doing that a lot lately.

Woman in hijab: Are you Golda Meir, the Zionist?

Woman with hair in bun: I’m also Golda Meir the Prime Minister, Gold Meir the grandmother, and sometimes just Golda. But yes, you found me. And who are you, may I ask?

Woman in hijab: My name is Linda Sarsour, and I have traveled from the future to inform you that you are not a feminist.

Golda: Well, you might be right. All I do is keep this roomful of egomaniacs silent while I tell them what to do. I guess teaching school in Milwaukee helped prepare me for this work. All of the arguments, all of the screaming, all of the tantrums I witnessed.  And let me tell you, teaching school was no picnic either.

Cabinet member: Excuse me, can I go to the bathroom?

Golda (shoots him an angry look): Regaa!

Cabinet member (sheepishly): Sorry.

Golda: But enough about me. I heard you’re a Big Macher in the Democratic Party now. Mazel Tov!

Linda: Thanks. So like what do you even do down here?

Golda: Well, Linda…. Last month some of our….’cousins’…. decided that the best way to get the world to listen to them is to sneak into the Olympic Village at night and murder my boys. So now I’m about to go medieval on their asses.

Linda: OMG I just can’t even.

Golda (soothingly): Linda, my dear. I’m only setting these guys up on the World’s Greatest Speed Dating Event. Each of them gets 72 partners. And they’re good girls. Good, good girls.

Linda: I just can’t believe this crime is being inflicted on a Community of Color.

Golda (looks at her tanned olive-hued arms. Looks at Linda’s decidedly pale face. Looks at her arms. Looks at Linda): Tell me more about this Community of Color, Bubbele.

Linda: I refuse to sit silently while you marginalize me and discount my struggle.

Golda: You’re right. I have a better idea. Get the hell out of my Situation Room.

Linda: Fine. I’m leaving for now. But I’ll be back. I have the Right of Return!

Golda: Actually you don’t. But we hope you enjoyed your visit to Israel!

(Linda dematerializes, Star Trek style. Fade to Black)

 

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Linda Sarsour: Time Traveler

SCENE: a Budapest Jail, 1944. A female prisoner sits on her cot. Suddenly, a woman in a salmon pink blazer and magenta hijab materializes, Star Trek style.

Woman: Are you Hannah Szenes the Zionist?

Prisoner (with weary sarcasm): You can just call me Hannah. But yes. Yes I am.

Woman: Well my name is Linda Sarsour. And I have traveled from the future to inform you that you are not a feminist.

Hannah: Oh hey Linda. Of course, of course. I follow you on Twitter.  And I guess you have a point. I mean, I only parachuted behind enemy lines to fight the Nazis.

Linda: By the way, did you know that Saudi Arabia offers 10 weeks maternity leave? Pretty good huh?

Hannah:  Hey that’s great, but the Gestapo just said I’m going to be shot tomorrow at dawn because I won’t snitch. So, like not that relevant, know what I’m saying?

Linda: Whatever. I just came here to speak truth to power.

Hannah: Look, I appreciate that you stopped by. I really do. You’re the first visitor in weeks who didn’t click his heels like Ralph Fiennes in Schindler’s List. But did you bring anything to help? A nail file? I could saw my way out. Maybe a hair pin? I could stab the guard tomorrow.

Linda: Sorry, but this whole war is a bit too intersectional for me.

Hannah: I hear you. Listen, I’m going to try and sharpen my toothbrush into a shank now.

Linda: I need to leave this construct of weaponized whiteness.

Hannah: Great; thanks for stopping by. Oh and give Mufti Al-Husseini my regards.

Linda: You’re such a racist.

Hannah: Don’t let the steel door hit your tuchus on the way out.

(Linda dematerializes, Star Trek style. Fade to Black.)

Quiz: Is it a Peter Beinart Op-Ed or Taylor Swift Breakup Song?

Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of whether you are reading Peter Beinart’s latest impassioned critique of the Jewish State or Taylor Swift’s latest breakup song. Like, it’s an honest mistake. One of them is moody, self-absorbed, and uses the pen to lash out at perceived betrayals when a relationship ends…… And the other one used to date a Jonas Brother.  But anyhoo, we thought we would quiz the loyal readers of Israellycool. Good luck!

(The Daily Freier wrote this on Israellycool. Go check it out and take the Quiz!)

 

 

Palestinian satire site accuses Daily Freier of Occupying its Bandwidth

Al Naqba, BDS February 22, 2017 Palestinian satire site accuses Daily Freier of Occupying its Bandwidth

By Mark Levy and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/22/2017 at 3:30 PM

Ramallah: The satire community of the Levant is in a state of chaos today as a prominent Palestinian blog made very serious accusations against the Daily Freier. The Daily Majnoon is a satirical site out of Ramallah that pokes gentle fun at the big things and little things in life. Famed musician/activist/dick Roger Waters sometimes guest writes for them.  Hanin Zoabi also writes a weekly column when she is not out sailing.  The Daily Majnoon also serves as a sign of a thriving Palestinian civil society, for just as the Daily Freier feels free to mock Israeli leaders like Netanyahu, the Daily Majnoon also feels free to mock Israeli leaders like Netanyahu. Only in Arabic and stuff. The Daily Majnoon held a press conference in Ramallah this morning where they described this whole Naqba of a controversy.

The Daily Majnoon’s Web Administrator, Yusuf B., who goes by the username “Stillnotover1948“, explained their plight to the assembled journalists.  “We are indigenous to this bandwidth, and have operated this website for thousands of years. And as proof I present to you these underwear labels, a set of keys to a file cabinet, and a menu from a hummus restaurant in Umm El Fahm.

A journalist from the New York Times asked Yusuf if he would accept a deal where the Daily Freier gave up part of its bandwidth to the Daily Majnoon. Yusuf said he would accept such a deal, but would still retain the right of return to direct web traffic from the Daily Freier to the Daily Majnoon.

Reaction to the accusation was swift, with Haaretz writing a scathing editorial accusing the Daily Freier of Land bandwidth theft, cultural appropriation, ethnocentrism, and mansplaining. The editorial was read by thousands of people in Haaretz’s worldwide English edition, and as many as 27 people in its Israeli Hebrew edition.

In the spirit of compromise and good faith, the Daily Freier offered to help the Daily Majnoon find a suitable workspace where they could truly expand their operations. In Atarim Square.

When the Lefty-But-Totally-Not-Bonkers Tel Aviv Blog “+972” heard of the Daily Majnoon’s plight, they offered to give the Daily Majnoon two-thirds of +972’s bandwidth.

Womens’ Gaza Flotilla delayed after getting Lost & stopping for Directions

womens-gaza-flotilla-delayed-after-getting-lost-asking-for-driections

By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/17/2016 at 9:00 AM

Barcelona: A Women-Only “Flotilla to Gaza” has run into an unexpected problem after getting lost somewhere between Barcelona and Sardinia.  The Flotilla, which set out to show Solidarity with a regime that promotes Honor Killings and Polygamy the women of Gaza, has been at sea for four days and according to the latest Blog entry of Bree Skyfire-Williams, one of the Ship’s four Co-Captains, they have “like no idea where they are” and “need to maybe stop another ship and ask for directions or something.” The Daily Freier was able to communicate further with the crew via What’s-App whenever they got some decent Wi-Fi.

I think our problems started before we even got on the boat.” explained Jade, who took a month off of work from her job at the World Bank in order to participate. Jade, who was appointed to the Packing and Supply Committee, described the chain of events. “I mean our  Ships’ Manifest didn’t account for everyone packing way too much stuff for the trip.” To further drive home this point, Jade showed us the packing list of Melissa from the (Fair Trade) Coffee Committee:

A cold weather outfit, a warm weather outfit, some formal wear in case we go some place nice, a hat, boots, my laptop, Uggs, a yoga mat, yoga pants, French press, a little black dress, 5 swimsuits, hair dryer, 9 pairs of shoes, waffle iron, Crocs, coconut oil, scrunchies, my journal, crystals, ‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho, a headscarf, and my rice cooker.”

Jade continued. “Now just multiply that by 20 women, and, well, we had to unload the two boxes of stuff we had for Gaza.

The boat suffered a further delay when after stopping to ask some Moroccan fisherman how to get to “The Occupied Territories“, the fishermen directed the boat to Ceuta and Melilla.

As the ship continued to flounder lost at sea, Hanin Zoabi attempted to steer the ship “properly“, leaving some hurt feelings. Bree explained.  “I just feel that Hanin’s tone was being like, really hurtful? The navigation committee worked on our planned route for like six months? And changing course is a really big step? I just think we really need to discuss this. And discuss. And discuss. And discuss.

In a separate conversation, Laurel provided a counterpoint to Bree’s contention. “I don’t want to say that she’s jealous, but ever since I was elected to chair the meals and snacks committee, Bree has just been making some real sniping comments without actually contributing to any of the constructive dialogue.”

When Bree got wind of Laurel’s position, she replied. “I mean, this is coming from a very deep and sacred place? But I really can’t stand Laurel.

While the Israeli Navy has demonstrated a noted sense of relief from the Flotilla’s Delay, they maintain a contingency plan: an all-Freichot boarding team consisting of Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav.

At last report, the Flotilla had diverted to Tuscany in order to go antiquing this Sunday.

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Palestinian unilaterally disengages from British Man-Date

Daily Freier Roger Waters Isn't Just Screwing the Jews Now

London: The Daily Freier joins the Staff of Israellycool in mourning one Big Naqba of a Breakup: The end of the Roger Waters-Rula Jebreal Couplehood. The BDS power couple, who seemed to have more sexual chemistry than Yassar Arafat and his bodyguards back in the ’70’s  that special spark, called it quits.  Rula apparently spent the morning returning all of the gifts Roger had given her, to include 3 keffiyehs, some really good hummus from Jericho, and a sturdy shovel.

(The Daily Freier Appears on IsraellyCool Today. Go on over and Check Out the Whole Article!)

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Electronic Intifada says tomorrow’s Suicide Bomber “Not Even very Religious”

Electronic Intifada says tomorrow's Suicide Bomber "Not Even very Religious" Daily Freier

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/17/2016 at 1:20 PM

Chicago: Electronic Intifada says that they don’t have all the details about tomorrow’s suicide bomber, but they are “like totally positive” that he will definitely not commit his act in the name of a certain monotheism. “This guy is not a Jihadist.” explained Electronic Intifada editor Ali Abunimah “C’mon, he drank in college. What kind of extremist does that? Really, I mean calling this terror is just Hate Speech.” Ali shifted in his seat slowly and looked into the distance. “I mean, like, if this thing actually goes down tomorrow”

(We guest-wrote this today for IsraellyCool! Read the entire story here!)

 

 

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