Category: BDS

Womens’ Gaza Flotilla delayed after getting Lost & stopping for Directions

womens-gaza-flotilla-delayed-after-getting-lost-asking-for-driections

By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/17/2016 at 9:00 AM

Barcelona: A Women-Only “Flotilla to Gaza” has run into an unexpected problem after getting lost somewhere between Barcelona and Sardinia.  The Flotilla, which set out to show Solidarity with a regime that promotes Honor Killings and Polygamy the women of Gaza, has been at sea for four days and according to the latest Blog entry of Bree Skyfire-Williams, one of the Ship’s four Co-Captains, they have “like no idea where they are” and “need to maybe stop another ship and ask for directions or something.” The Daily Freier was able to communicate further with the crew via What’s-App whenever they got some decent Wi-Fi.

I think our problems started before we even got on the boat.” explained Jade, who took a month off of work from her job at the World Bank in order to participate. Jade, who was appointed to the Packing and Supply Committee, described the chain of events. “I mean our  Ships’ Manifest didn’t account for everyone packing way too much stuff for the trip.” To further drive home this point, Jade showed us the packing list of Melissa from the (Fair Trade) Coffee Committee:

A cold weather outfit, a warm weather outfit, some formal wear in case we go some place nice, a hat, boots, my laptop, Uggs, a yoga mat, yoga pants, French press, a little black dress, 5 swimsuits, hair dryer, 9 pairs of shoes, waffle iron, Crocs, coconut oil, scrunchies, my journal, crystals, ‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho, a headscarf, and my rice cooker.”

Jade continued. “Now just multiply that by 20 women, and, well, we had to unload the two boxes of stuff we had for Gaza.

The boat suffered a further delay when after stopping to ask some Moroccan fisherman how to get to “The Occupied Territories“, the fishermen directed the boat to Ceuta and Melilla.

As the ship continued to flounder lost at sea, Hanin Zoabi attempted to steer the ship “properly“, leaving some hurt feelings. Bree explained.  “I just feel that Hanin’s tone was being like, really hurtful? The navigation committee worked on our planned route for like six months? And changing course is a really big step? I just think we really need to discuss this. And discuss. And discuss. And discuss.

In a separate conversation, Laurel provided a counterpoint to Bree’s contention. “I don’t want to say that she’s jealous, but ever since I was elected to chair the meals and snacks committee, Bree has just been making some real sniping comments without actually contributing to any of the constructive dialogue.”

When Bree got wind of Laurel’s position, she replied. “I mean, this is coming from a very deep and sacred place? But I really can’t stand Laurel.

While the Israeli Navy has demonstrated a noted sense of relief from the Flotilla’s Delay, they maintain a contingency plan: an all-Freichot boarding team consisting of Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav.

At last report, the Flotilla had diverted to Tuscany in order to go antiquing this Sunday.

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Palestinian unilaterally disengages from British Man-Date

Daily Freier Roger Waters Isn't Just Screwing the Jews Now

London: The Daily Freier joins the Staff of Israellycool in mourning one Big Naqba of a Breakup: The end of the Roger Waters-Rula Jebreal Couplehood. The BDS power couple, who seemed to have more sexual chemistry than Yassar Arafat and his bodyguards back in the ’70’s  that special spark, called it quits.  Rula apparently spent the morning returning all of the gifts Roger had given her, to include 3 keffiyehs, some really good hummus from Jericho, and a sturdy shovel.

(The Daily Freier Appears on IsraellyCool Today. Go on over and Check Out the Whole Article!)

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Electronic Intifada says tomorrow’s Suicide Bomber “Not Even very Religious”

Electronic Intifada says tomorrow's Suicide Bomber "Not Even very Religious" Daily Freier

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/17/2016 at 1:20 PM

Chicago: Electronic Intifada says that they don’t have all the details about tomorrow’s suicide bomber, but they are “like totally positive” that he will definitely not commit his act in the name of a certain monotheism. “This guy is not a Jihadist.” explained Electronic Intifada editor Ali Abunimah “C’mon, he drank in college. What kind of extremist does that? Really, I mean calling this terror is just Hate Speech.” Ali shifted in his seat slowly and looked into the distance. “I mean, like, if this thing actually goes down tomorrow”

(We guest-wrote this today for IsraellyCool! Read the entire story here!)

 

 

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Taking a stand against BDS, Jellyfish return to Israel

Refusing to Give in to BDS Jellyfish Return to Israel Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 6/22/2016 at 1:20 PM

Netanya: In a move described as “bold”, “courageous”, and “defiant”, the  jellyfish have returned to Israel despite intense pressure from the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement. Everybody’s favorite jellyfish, Ethan and Shoshanna, spoke to the Daily Freier about their personal journey.

When the summer currents began pushing us northward from the Coast of Egypt, we just got bombarded with tweets from BDS.” explained Ethan. “Roger Waters wrote us an open letter. Max Blumenthal told us that his dad would NOT be happy if we went to Israel. Omar Barghouti told us that we would be collaborators if we arrived, but we checked his IP address and he was tweeting from the Tel Aviv University Library.”

The Daily Freier asked Ethan if he identified as a Zionist, and he explained his stance. “Of course, but I also identify as a citizen of the world.  Jew, Muslim, Christian….in the end it really doesn’t matter. I will sting the living shit out of you regardless.

At this point Shoshanna interjected with her views. “I’m just so happy to be back. I missed this place SO. MUCH. But to tell you the truth, I expected a bit of a warmer welcome from everyone. But that might just be Israel. Sometimes it takes a while to break into social groups.” Shoshanna spotted a family in shallow water 5 meters away. “They seem nice, maybe I will float toward them and introduce myself. Sometimes you just have to extend a tentacle of friendship.

 

In big Win for BDS, Omar Barghouti brings bag lunch to Tel Aviv University today

 BDS, Tel Aviv Universit In big Win for BDS, Omar Barghouti brings bag lunch to Tel Aviv University today Daily Freier

Omar Barghouti

Loose Seal

Buster Bluth

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 6/6/2016 at 9:30 PM

Ramat Aviv: In what experts are calling a huge victory against Israel, Boycott/Divest/Sanctions (BDS) Founder/Qatari Exchange Student Omar Barghouti has decided today to avoid the eateries at Tel Aviv University and instead bring a bag lunch from home. In between trying to replace Israel with a Palestinian State, Mr. Barghouti has found time to matriculate at the Zionist Entity’s Tel Aviv University, where he is a PhD candidate in the Chutzpadik Department (Ha Ha! Just Kidding! But not really!).

Mr. Barghouti, who normally boycotts Israeli media because they have cooties,  spoke with the Daily Freier after we put on a Rage Against the Machine T-Shirt and a keffiyeh and tricked him into thinking we were just another goofy Tel Aviv leftist from +972.  Mr. Barghouti then explained his moral stand against Israel. “Today I refuse to eat at the campus McDonald’s. I refuse to go to the cafeteria in the Sports Center with the nice ready-made avocado sandwiches. Nor will I go to the Aroma with those cute little chocolates that they give away with every coffee. Nor will I go to that debauched beer cart with all of the degenerates in the middle of the Campus Quad. No, today I take a stand and bring a bag lunch from home consisting of Osem chips, and leftover Burger Ranch from last night. Thus are the sacrifices of a Campus Revolutionary like myself.

When the Daily Freier told Mr. Barghouti that it was a bit rich to derive benefit from a nation he sought to dismantle, he replied  “My studies at Tel-Aviv University are a personal matter and I have no interest in commenting.” (NOT SATIRE! HE REALLY REALLY SAID THIS!)

When the Daily Freier asked Mr. Barghouti if he might build on today’s success and continue the food boycott tomorrow, he looked at us with disdain. “And miss out on Taco Tuesday at the University Food Court??? No I don’t think so.

 

 

 

 

Eurovision descends into farce after Israel Boycott and Ukraine beats Russia

Daily Freier Eurovision

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/18/2016 at 1:20 PM

Stockholm: Debates over the Boycott Israel movement raged across Europe today after millions of fans were left traumatized by the decision to ban all things Israeli in Saturday’s grand finale of Eurovision. The chaos began when outspoken Swedish Foreign Minister, Margot Wallstrom, a strong supporter of the BDS movement aimed at economically crippling Israel, made a series of blunders that left hosts Sweden red-faced. Firstly, she moved the singing competition from the 16,000 all-seater Ericsson Globe arena in Stockholm – after discovering that the mother-in-law of the Ericsson CEO had once eaten a pomegranate on an Israeli kibbutz in 1954. “We were left with no choice. We really can’t be seen to support that level of aggressive Zionism.” Ms. Wallstrom stated defiantly, as the venue was changed to an old IKEA warehouse in the tiny northern village of Dooberguberfloozer. Coaches were then arranged to transport the 42 competing nations after the Israel-developed GPS app Waze had been blocked, sending the lost Azerbaijanis on a wild-goose chase around Denmark. Meanwhile, Israeli start-up GetTaxi, the world’s second largest Taxi app, was switched off, forcing the Spanish to hitchhike to a place they could not even say.

Eurovision is one of the few European cultural events that reinforces regional differences and continuously raises the prospect of a third World War. Amidst all the kitsch of cheesy dancing fairies and Viking heavy metal bands, this year’s show was once again mired in controversy. Greece was devastated after failing to make the final for the first time and immediately blamed German-imposed cuts. Neighboring Turkey was thrilled to have negotiated its inclusion in next year’s semi-finals, in exchange for building more Syrian refugee camps. Fights and beheadings broke out in this year’s semi-finals after a romantic ballad sung by ISIS boy band, the Caliphatties failed to melt judges’ hearts. Canada too was left ticked off by Australia’s inclusion in Eurovision for the second year running. Quebec-born diva Celine Dion, who won Eurovision for Switzerland in 1988, offered to sing but new Prime Minister/heart-throb, Justin ‘Donnie Osmond’ Trudeau vetoed her offer, sending a giant wave of relief across Canada.

Not since the official breakup of Abba in 1982 has Sweden been so widely vilified for allowing such a cultural disaster. From the moment the show went live on air, buzzing social media forums began to grind to a halt. Facebook, created by renowned Zionist/Nice-Jewish-Boy Mark Zuckerberg, went offline for the first time ever, pushing a frantic 1.6 billion account-holders across the planet into actually talking to each other. But with Microsoft’s operating system, the Intel processor, and the technology behind What’s App, Messenger, Viber and voicemail all pioneered and developed in Israel, mobile phones and laptops around the world all fell eerily silent. When it came to broadcasting the actual results, Eurovision’s voting system was hit by the sudden ban on Israel-inspired satellites, forcing judging panels to dig out dusty walkie talkies not used since the Cold War.

When the networks finally managed to broadcast the rest of the show, it appeared that bookies’ favorites Russia – which had threatened to turn off the gas and lights in Eastern Europe – had done predictably well. Also surprising was the Great Britain entry, sung by reality TV superstars Joe and Jake. The last time a British duo scored so well abroad, there was a pubic lice outbreak in London. Their upbeat song “You are not alone,” dedicated to former London Mayor Ken Livingstone, was nevertheless ridiculed in Germany. “Zay bloody will be soon if zay vote to leave ze EU next month, ha, ha!” Angela Merkel chuckled to reporters, as she faxed through the votes from Berlin.

Nervously awaiting the Eurovision results aboard Air Force Trump, the man formerly known as Donald, warned: “This is what happens when you have no real defensible borders, political or cultural.” The Republican rebel immediately called for the US-Mexico fence to be built six meters higher and promised a tax on burritos…..

(Note: Ukraine stole it from Russia and Australia. The UK did shit and the Israeli entry, which arrived late, held up by squabbles over the last kosher meal on El Al, finished about half way.)