Category: ISIS

ISIS, Jeremy Corbyn March 14, 2017March 15, 2017

ISIS and the West: moving past the name-calling, by Jeremy Corbyn

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

What I am about to say may cause some discomfort, but perhaps it is time that we move beyond the Neo-Thatcherite/Neo-Blairite visions of the world and find a new approach. Today the West finds itself once again mixed up in a war in the Middle East, and once again we are hearing the name calling of our so-called enemies. Words like “fascist”, “murderous”, and “evil”. But I used those words just last week to describe proposed changes to the NHS. So perhaps it is time to step back, take a deep breath and try to understand “The Other”. To work toward a more even-handed vision.

Again, the usual suspects continue to use quite slanderous words about ISIS. Yet right here in London, we can witness genuine outreach on their part, with the very real example of Anjem Choudary, who has made sincere efforts to work with the Progressive Community by defending a Labour MP when she got slightly ahead of herself and suggested that Israel should be dismantled and the Jews shipped off to the United States. In fact, one can even compare ISIS to Israel, which I have been known to do in the past.

So today I stand before you as a proud member of the Progressive Left and say: It is time for us to look at ISIS objectively and see it for what it truly is. A community that is ethnically diverse, dissatisfied with the status quo, critical of Western Imperialism, and clearly motivated enough to take direct action. They embrace the philosophy of Said Qutb. But so do many people whom I count among my friends. They are fond of their beards, as am I. They have some serious problems with a certain group of people clustered along the Levant and the London Northern Line. As do I.

And to those of you who think this speech is crazy and something I can’t possibly have really said, please think long and hard and ask yourself: ‘If Jeremy Corbyn said this would I actually be shocked?‘

ISIS, The IDF December 10, 2016December 11, 2016

Mystical protective Cloud on the Golan already planning his post-IDF trip to India

(Photo Credit: Youtube)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/10/2016 at 1:30 PM

Golan Heights, Israel (Sorry Bashar): The mysterious dark pillar of clouds that stood between an IDF patrol and ISIS on the Golan Heights last week already has big plans for what’s he’s going to do after the army. The vertical cumulus cloud, named ‘Boaz’, said he is ‘counting down the days‘ until the end of his enlistment, at which point he and some of his army buddies plan to go on a 3 month trip to India and Nepal that he says “is going to be sick“, “really crazy” and “just out of control“. Boaz, who comes from a family of storm clouds from outside of Israel and therefore qualifies as a Chayal Boded or “Lone soldier”, finishes his enlistment next May. The Daily Freier Caught up with Boaz on Thursday night at a bar on Dizengoff street as he enjoyed a weekend pass with a few of the guys from his unit.

Boaz told us that they chose this particular bar on Dizengoff “because one of the guys in my squad said he had a bit of luck here“. When we arrived, Boaz and his buddies spotted several women from a “MASA” exchange program sitting by themselves and they quickly introduced themselves and sat down at their table. Soon, Boaz stretched out, exhaled, leaned back in his chair and nonchalantly wrapped his cloud arms behind the back of two young women as he told them stories about his Army duty and how just this week he “like saved my entire platoon from ISIS“.

Later, Boaz admitted that while he is getting a lot of credit for last week’s encounter, he has also gotten in some trouble during his enlistment. Last year, he received non-judicial punishment from his company commander after a prank he played against the Mossad Spy Vulture went horribly wrong. “That bird is just an idiot. So I created an updraft of hot air while he was flying. Unfortunately, that accidentally forced him into Lebanese air space where he was captured. Last I checked he was home free and had joined ‘Breaking the Silence‘ or something. And I got 30 days confined to base.”

While Boaz can’t get out of the army fast enough, he also mentioned that after India he may want to go back to school, get a meteorology degree, and come back as a weather officer. “I don’t think they can say no. I mean I don’t just know about weather. I AM weather.”

But for now, Boaz just wants to dream about what his trip will be like. “Just hang out on the beach in Goa and maybe smoke a bit. Rent a moped. Go to an ashram and just chill. Maybe go backpacking. I actually have some cousins over there who are cirrus clouds, so it will be nice to see them again.” Boaz also explained that on this trip being a cloud would have its advantages. “Sometimes hostels won’t rent to Israeli backpackers because…..well I guess that’s because they once rented to Israeli backpackers…… But I can just show them my second passport from Cloud and everything will be chill.”

Boaz’s friends who will accompany him to India include such other mythical enlistees as “The Israel Spy Dolphin“, a talking dog from the K-9 unit, the wild boars that Mahmoud Abbas says Israel releases on the West Bank every night to ruin crops, the Zionist sharks in the Sinai, and the soldier on your Birthright trip who honestly really really isn’t trying to bang you.

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ISIS December 1, 2016December 1, 2016

“Guys! let’s write a fake story about a Spanish Gay Porn Star who joins the German Spy Agency, secretly converts to Islam, self-radicalizes, and gets busted in a Jihadist chat room plotting an insider attack!”

(SPOILER ALERT: THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED)

SCENE: The Daily Freier Newsroom. Morning Staff Meeting

Yuval Weiss, Editor: OK people! It’s a slow news day. We need to make something up. Maybe we can write something about a guy joining the German Intelligence Agency.

Lee Saunders: OK, but the guy is actually of Spanish descent.

Yuval: Good! Next!

Mia Deych: Can he be gay?

Yuval: Yes! Next!

Aaron Pomerantz: OK, but he’s also active in the gay adult film industry until 2011.

Yuval: Not only is that idea in the story, that idea is DEFINITELY in the story! Next!

Yekutiel Bornstein: But now he’s on the DL. Like married with 4 kids.

Yuval: Brilliant! Next!

Emily Goldstein: But then he secretly converts to Islam in 2014!

Yuval! Perfect! Now THIS is brainstorming!

Mark Levy: And then he self-radicalizes!

Yuval: I’m feeling it! Next!

Lee: But then he applies to work in the German Intelligence Service and is accepted!

Yuval: Amazing! Keep it going! Next!

Aaron: And let’s make him 51 years old. You know, Like Bono except much younger!

Yuval: Yes! We have the momentum! Next!

Mia: Then he starts frequenting Jihadi Internet Chat Rooms!

Yuval!: Money! Next!

Emily: Can we make it so that he’s not that smart? Like he says in the chat room that he’s a German Intelligence agent of Spanish descent?

Yuval: Yes! And in the Jihadi chat room, his alias is the same as his Gay Porn Name! Next!

Yekutiel: So in the chat room he offers to facilitate access to the spy agency’s headquarters in Cologne! And then… what’s wrong?

Yuval: (Checking his I-Phone) F–K! This actually just happened! This has never happened before in the history of satire. I mean, it’s not like any of our crazy stories ever come true in real life or anything!

Dating and Relationships, ISIS, Start Up Nation September 8, 2016September 25, 2016

Tel Aviv Startup Launches ‘Al-Qaedate”: a dating App for the Lonely Jihadists of the Sinai

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/8/2016 at 3:20 PM

Sinai Peninsula: A Tel Aviv-based startup has launched a hot new dating app called Al-Qaedate. At first blush, it seems to be quite similar to Tinder (pictures, swiping, matching, chatting), but as explained to us by one of the developers, Ido, it’s obviously NOT.

“The dating scene in Sinai is quite hot, but the opportunities are dry.” explained Ido as we met him for a cup of coffee near Azrieli Center. “That’s why we launched Al-Qaedate. One of the key features of the app is that it’s designed for both sheep and human, and they have equal opportunities to swipe left or un-match those whose behavior turns shady or inappropriate.”

Just to be sure, The Daily Freier went down to the dusty paths of Sinai to find out what’s going on for ourselves. Once there, we met up with recent ISIS recruit Achmad, a big fan of the app. Achmad introduced us to his current sheepfriend, whom he met thanks to the new app. She asked to be referred to in this story by her Online Profile “WadiGirlRepresenting” because her family is “like super old-school“. WadiGirl explained what drew her to the app. “Guys around here are ridiculous. This one guy seemed nice, but he swiped right on me and then the next week on one of my girlfriends from back at the Oasis. I mean, we’re in the same flock…..We talk.” Then WadiGirl’s conversation turned to a more serious subject. “I just got out of a toxic relationship with a guy from al-Nusra” she disclosed as her voice cracked. “I’m looking for someone who has real feelings and respects me as a sheep, not as someone just to pass time with.” Achmad encouragingly hugged WadiGirl and whispered something in her ear.

Other members of ISIS have high expectations on the new app, too. “I used to be on Tinder, but most of the sheep look nothing like their pictures.” noted Hasan. “No full body shots, just angles and side views. Or pictures with their girlfriends from the same flock. How can I guess who she is? And why do they always write ‘Serious Guys Only?’ I’m not ready for commitment. I mean, life’s been hectic recently…..drone strikes, schisms within Jihadist organizations based on whether to immediately pursue a Caliphate, stuff like that. I just hope this new app offers more choices.”

Back in Tel Aviv, we confronted the Management of Al-Qaedate for aiding the Enemy and told them that they were bringing more shame to Israel than any other business. But then they reminded us about FOREX.

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Barack Obama, ISIS June 17, 2016

Our Baseball Team forfeited to JV again ‘cuz Coach O wouldn’t tell the Bus Driver who we’re playing against

So we forfeited the baseball game again today to another school that Coach O called a “Junior Varsity Team”. I was really excited to make Varsity as a sophomore, but losing 3 times in a row sucks. Coach O says it’s because “We’ve lost our focus”. But maybe it’s because he wouldn’t tell us who we were playing…

(We guest-wrote this today for IsraellyCool! Read the entire story here!)

Guest Writer Wednesday, ISIS April 27, 2016September 30, 2016

Israel draws West ISIS in World Cup Quarter Final

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/27/2016 at 11:50 AM

Tel Aviv: The world will hold its breath this weekend as Israel and West ISIS will do battle for a shock place in the World Cup semi finals, after both teams overachieved in the group stages.

The tense clash will be the first time the Zionist nation has gone head to almost-head with West ISIS, who surprisingly topped the Caliphate group after a penalty shootout win against Al Qaeda…when the opposition goalkeeper was beheaded during the coin toss.

After losing 5-1 to East ISIS in the opening game, the signs weren’t good for West ISIS, whose entire midfield was hurled into the stands after the linesman was blown up for raising the wrong flag. Managed by Kassam Allardyce, they switched the formation to play 10 up front and one lookout at the back after a poor back pass saw a central defender hit on the head by a flaming vuvuzela. That formation worked as they sneaked through the group stages with wins over Al Nusra and Boko Loco before clinching top spot in an eventful win over Al Qaeda. Trailing one nil, West ISIS controversially equalised in stoppage time when an in-swinging corner found super sub Jihadi Ringo, who had only put on his suicide vest moments before. He nodded the ball goalwards. The keeper palmed the ball away but the striker’s head flew in, along with two fingers, a right elbow and a knuckleduster. As ISIS fans celebrated by singing Liverpool FC’s ‘You’ll never walk alone‘, the opposition fans began to chant ‘You’ll never walk again‘ so the referee awarded the goal before he was assaulted by irate tea vendors.

Israel’s qualification was more routine as they coasted through, under the management of financial wizards Ehud Olmert and Aryeh Deri. Opposing managers were paying shekels into their offshore bank accounts while the Israeli attack scored freely. Israel thrashed Lebanon 6-0 when they turned the floodlights and water off after hearing of a rocket fired at Haifa. The Zionists romped past the Future Palestinian State, 9-0, after Israel’s Egyptian coach Sissi executed the substitutes bench, which was being used as a grenade factory. The BBC called for an immediate boycott, running with the headline: ‘Palestinian heartbreak as Israel steals football glory‘.

This World Cup had been awash with dramas and scandals. Mexico were kicked out for refusing to play the USA unless Donald Trump quit the race for president. Germany were docked points for fielding a squad comprised only of Syrian refugees, while England’s threat to leave the European Union saw them placed in the Pacific Group where they were knocked out 1-0 by sleeping giants Fiji. Speculation still remains about the result of the game between Israel and Iran, managed by former Ayatollah favourite, Haveyouhadyourdinnerdad. The Al-Jazeera commentary box and cameras were detonated by Hezbollah when fans rose for the Israeli national anthem Hatikva. Drone footage, however, showed the Iranian first XI limping off at the final whistle, beaten and bruised, screaming ‘OK, OK, so Israel bloody exists!’

Oddly, there are plenty of tickets still on sale for the Israel-ISIS clash at the stadium in the central Asian republic of Icouldntgiveaf–kistan. As TV networks booked flights out of the country, ex FIFA president Sepp Blatter promised security would be as tight as his wallet and as comfortable as his padded cell in Switzerland.

The football pilgrimage is expected to see Israel bring 25,000 fans including the publicity-shy supermodel Bar Refaeli. It is unclear how many ISIS fans will come until the end of a three-week gun battle in Palmyra. Available at http://www.armageddon.com (strictly a fanciful jest!–The Freier Legal Department), tickets start at $5 and include a souvenir program, a light beer and funeral expenses.

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Guest Writer Wednesday, ISIS December 9, 2015September 30, 2016

Guest Writer Wednesday Presents: “You Only Have One Mother, Tariq”

(Photo Credit: BT)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 12/9/2015 at 11:20 AM

Raqqa: Air strikes, Kurdish rebels, cyber hacking, even playing Adele’s song ‘Hello’ on loudspeakers have all been tried and all have failed. But tonight, it seems that the first significant blow against ISIS has been struck with the use of a brand new weapon: Jewish mother guilt. Israeli scientists have worked frantically around the clock to take the essential ingredients of Jewish Mother Guilt – passive aggression, unrealistic pride and immovable affection – distill it into its purest form and have the potent strain dropped over ISIS strongholds in Syria and Iraq. Immediate reports are sketchy but it seems the placebo is working as phone networks in Mosul have been jammed with long and highly emotional calls home from the medieval terrorists. “You couldn’t find time to call your mother between beheadings, she only has one head, you might do well to remember that,” cried Mrs Fatima Sayed Falaweed to her son Jamal. They hadn’t spoken for just two days. There were tears too in caliphate capital Raqqa where another estranged son, Assaf Bikram Hussein Jr immediately handed himself into U.S. Marines after being scolded by his mother: “I don’t care if your friends want to destroy the Palmyra temples,” she said. “We brought you up better than that. If they stuck their heads in the oven, would you? Actually don’t answer that.” Local women, who had breathed in Jewish Mother Guilt, took a break from cooking brisket, fetching their cleaners and taking long baths, to speak of their pride that their sons were laying down their weapons. “If the queue takes a while, I’ve given him chicken legs, rice and some chopped liver,” said one. “He said he would give me three rings when he reached the Iranian border.” Another mother, hanging out her son’s balaclava on the washing line, said she was glad she kept the receipt for the Kalashnikov she bought him on his 11th birthday. “We can put it towards his college fund,” she said, tearfully. New ISIS lead singer Jihadi Ringo, John’s successor, resented the interference of the Jewish state, and was seen whining and throwing a hissy fit at the therapist’s office as Mrs Ringo called to tell him more and more crates of Jewish Mother Guilt were being loaded onto aircraft carriers in Crete…

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ISIS November 24, 2015November 1, 2018

Conspiracy Nut has a theory About ISIS that does not involve The Jews

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/24/2015 at 11:00 AM

Grand Forks, North Dakota: Part-time copyright researcher and full-time conspiracy theorist Bobby Holloman has some decidedly unorthodox ideas. He has proof that the 1969 Lunar Landing was filmed in the back of a Stuckey’s Restaurant off of Interstate 40 near Amarillo. He refuses to do business in paper currency, but rather barters for his needs using gold dust. And don’t get him started on 9/11. But perhaps his wackiest conspiracy theory to date involves the Terror State of ISIS. Bobby has a theory for their origins and funding that does not involve the Pope, the Illuminati, the Federal Reserve, Queen Elizabeth, and most of all, the Joooooz. The Daily Freier had the opportunity to speak with Bobby at his compound on the North Dakota prairie this week.

“Quick, come in and close the door behind you! You only have seconds to spare!” implored Bobby as he ushered us into his home while scanning the sky for drones. “You want some water? I drilled my own well! No fluoride for me!”

As we sat down in his living room, Bobby explained his theory on the origins of ISIS. “OK, this is going to sound crazy, but let me lay it out for you: I believe that a combination of Saudi Arabia exporting Wahhabi ideology for a generation, oil money from corrupt Gulf States, veteran Jihadists of Al Qaeda’s wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Chechnya…..plus a confused Western Civilization led by a man who thinks Climate Change is its greatest threat– these factors combined to create the conditions for ISIS.”

When the Daily Freier challenged him on his wacky theory, Bobby elaborated. “Of course, Bashar Assad and Hezbollah can take some credit for killing peaceful Syrian protesters in 2011 instead of negotiating with a frustrated Sunni majority. And of course Iran was pulling Bashar’s strings…….then there’s the West’s Progressive Left that seems to hate its own civilization more than it hates ISIS…..of course Al Jazeera should take a bow for beaming Islamist propaganda into millions of homes for 20 years…..I mean, call me crazy but let’s connect the dots.”

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Bobby asked us if we wanted to get on his mailing list because he was about to publish a manifesto explaining exactly how the Kardashians became famous.

ISIS July 26, 2014January 15, 2021

To Focus World Attention, Mosul’s Besieged Christians Hire Israel to Bomb Their Buildings

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/25/2014 at 6:30 PM

Mosul- The 2,000 year old Christian Community in this Iraqi city, on the verge of extinction at the hands of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), came up with an innovative way to focus world attention to their plight: Get Israel to bomb them. Ibrahim, a Christian resident who asked to be identified only by his first name, explained “I called my cousin in Detroit who knows some Jews in Chicago, who knew some Israeli’s in New York, and, yada yada yada, Israel bombed our buildings! We’re saved! Oh, and they phoned us ahead of time, so we all went to a restaurant and watched from there.”

Daily Freier staff accompanied Ibrahim when he pleaded his case to the United Nations, and recorded the following interaction with UN High Commissioner for Human Rights, Navi Pillay

Ibrahim: Madam Commissioner, our ancient community of Christians is under assault at the hands of ISIS. Our choices are to convert, flee, or die.

Commissioner Pillay- (Looking up from a Sudoku puzzle) That’s very interesting. We’ll send someone to look into that after the Summer Recess….

Ibrahim: Oh, and the Jews bombed our buildings last night…..

Commissioner Pillay: (Jumping from her seat) Wait, WHAT? I am calling the Human Rights Council to action IMMEDIATELY!

Ibrahim: (Aside to the camera) “Mission Accomplished”

Ibrahim went on to explain just how successful the gambit proved. “The UN just named July ‘The Month in Solidarity with the Christians of Mosul’! Noam Chomsky just mentioned us in his blog! Gideon Levy’s travel agent just called and asked about flights. A bunch of grad students from the Monterey Institute just showed up wearing keffiyehs, yoga pants, and American Apparel T-Shirts to teach our kids ‘Sustainable Crafts’ and ‘Post-Modern Ethical Dance Therapy’, whatever the hell that is.”

When asked about potential negative repercussions of their involvement, IDF Spokesman Shuki Cohen reacted in a tone of mock-fear “What, will mobs in Europe start chanting “Death to the Jews”? Will the UN open another investigation on us? Will this lead to another “crisis of the heart” think-piece by Peter Beinert? Wait, come to think of it, that last scenario does sound kinda bad………” Cohen continued, “Anyways, our pilots could use the route familiarization”

Fresh off the success of his diplomatic coup, Ibrahim was last seen handing out copies of Israel’s business card to the Copts, the Yazidis, the Marsh Arabs, the Bahais, The Christians of Pakistan, the Berbers, the Mandeans, the Kurds, and a bunch of other oppressed ethnic and religious minorities within the Middle East who you never hear from because the Jews had nothing to do with it.

Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.