Month: June 2019

Las Vegas now taking bets for when Peter Beinart goes full BDS

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/26/2019 at 3:00 PM

Las Vegas: There’s some hot new action here in Sin City, and the High Rollers are starting to notice. College Football? Nope. Keno? Nope. Nope. Blackjack? Still Nope. The name of the game this year is picking the date that Peter Beinart goes Full BDS, and everyone wants a piece of the action. You see, Mr. Beinart used to (sorta) be the Conscience of Liberal Zionism. But maybe he switched to a different High School or something, because he’s started to run with the wrong crowd ….and don’t think we haven’t noticed. Anyhoo, as Peter keeps driving down Sanctimony Highway (past the old Tikkun Olam Rest Area) toward BDS City, the bookies have started to notice. And now they’re laying down odds. The Daily Freier put on our best suit, and headed out to the Desert to get a piece of the action.

The Daily Freier met up with “Fat Sal”, who greeted us at his office behind a dilapidated motel a few blocks off the Strip. We asked Mr. Fat Sal if he truly felt that Mr. Beinart was flirting with BDS. Sal took a drag from his cigar and replied. “Has Peter been flirting with BDS lately? Oh he’s been flirting. Lotsa flirting. With BDS. You catch my drift?

We then asked Mr. Sal just how they put down odds on such a unique form of gambling as Peter Beinart’s very public slow-motion Total Eclipse of the Woke Heart, and Sal explained. “There’s a science to handicapping this. How many times this week did he mention his one-way feud with Bibi? How many times has Code Pink praised his articles on Twitter today? How many times has…” [Sal paused and yelled into the other room] “Hey Jimmy! What’s the over/under on Peter’s ‘As a Jew’ count today?

Sal continued. “At the end of the day I’m just another conservative businessman. Nothing fancy. I don’t get excited easily. I don’t see anything happening with Peter until after the High Holidays. I mean it’s not like he tweeted an article from Counterpunch…..wait, never mind. ….So what do you think about the horses this year? You got any tips?

Sal then walked away to take a phone call, and the Daily Freier dutifully eavesdropped. “OK talk to me. Two to One by Labor Day? No friggin way. We’ve already got our odds, and those are the odds, OK? Nothin’ is going to make me change them, got it? Not even if he…. wait you said he just co-hosted a talk via Skype with Omar Barghouti the head of the BDS Movement? ….. OK listen to me. Stop taking any action until we figure this out. OK? I’m out.

As the Daily Freier thanked Mr. Fat Sal for his time and prepared to leave, Peter Beinart tweeted his support for Marc Lamont Hill. “Screw it, I’m done!” Sal yelled. ” All bets are off. Let’s go find some cocktail waitresses.”

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Palestinian Authority’s Top Ten Excuses for skipping Trump’s Peace Conference

1. We need to prepare for our upcoming elections

2. Still kinda exhausted from Pride

3. Need to catch up on The Bachelor

4. Still haven’t forgiven Jared Kushner for those Game of Thrones spoilers

5. Our Ex just moved to Bahrain and we really don’t want to run into her

6. Frankly, John Bolton’s mustache frightens us

7. Coachella

8. We hear that Trump isn’t big on holding grudges

9. Still looking for parking

10. What part of “From the River to the Sea” don’t you understand?

 

 

 

 

 

 

In ultra-real scenario, Japan’s IDF Cosplayer asks for free couch “as a Lone Soldier”

(photo credit: Instagram)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/6/2019 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv: In a scenario described by IDF veterans as “shockingly realistic” and “haunting“, the IDF Cosplayer from Japan just went onto Social Media to ask for free stuff. Siggchi is a Japanese college student who dresses up like a Lieutenant in the IDF’s Kfir Brigade and has become somewhat of a minor celebrity here in Israel. As for mooching free stuff, Lone Soldiers in the IDF have a reputation of being, umm…. frugal. In addition, Lone Soldiers are not shy about asking for stuff from the General Public. So it just made sense that Siggchi would take his cosplaying “to the next level” and start mooching free shit like a True Chayal Boded. The Daily Freier talked to several Lone Soldiers to get the rest of the story.

When Siggchi asked for a PlayStation on Secret Tel Aviv, I mean, it just felt like I was back in the Paratroopers….. it was that real.” explained former Lone Soldier Jered B. “Hey, are you going to finish that Shawarma or what?

This guy Siggchi is for real.” enthused Armored Corps veteran Doron S. “I mean, he takes all his meals for free in the Lone Soldier Center over by Nordau.” Doron lowered his voice to a whisper. “My friends say that once he finishes his pretend-IDF service, he’s taking a pretend-backpacking trip to India.”

Yet it’s not only Siggchi’s Lone Soldier-caliber freebie detection skills that has impressed the veteran community. “He speaks better Hebrew than most of the Anglo Olim in my old unit.” noted Linda D. “Hey, do you think he also lies his ass off about his job when he hits on Taglit girls?

When asked for a response to Sigcchi’s cosplay, an IDF spokesperson said, “I’m not doing this.” (Note: THIS REALLY HAPPENED).

UPDATE: As the Daily Freier went to print, we learned that Sigcchi intended to switch units and was now inhaling magic marker fumes “to feel more like a Golani“.