Month: November 2016

“OMG Why is this Israeli honking at me??!” We have the answers.

By Mia Deych and Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/30/2016 at 8:00 PM

Herzliya: Start-up Nation is burning up the news feed again, and this is why: A new app that helps you to understand the reason(s) why at any given time an Israeli is honking at you.

If getting honked at baffles and puzzles you, the new app will finally give you a comprehensive answer. A Herzliya-based start-up developed unique sound sensors that not only analyze…..just kidding. They actually just stole the algorithms from the Shazam app and rewrote them to analyze car horns instead of songs. But they did make it possible to link to your Facebook or Snapchat to meet new friends or find a one-night shidduch.

Reasons why Israelis honk include but are not limited to:
· They hate you
· They like you
· They’re hitting on you
· They are going to hit your car
· They are being mischievous
· They are being meticulous
· They’re sorry

One of the first Beta-Test users, South African Olah Jessy shared her insights: “This app has turned my driving experience upside down! I used to think it was all ceaseless road rage or blunt rudeness, but now I make new friends every time I hit the road. Driving to work and back has become so much fun!

Taxi driver Yossi said that this app is even more useful than GetTaxi. “Each time I see an old friend or a pretty girl, I want to talk to them, but it’s hard to get through the Balagan of all the honking. The app helps me to…” Yossi got distracted and started honking at our friend Jessy as she was parking her car on the sidewalk. His honk could’ve been interpreted as “You’re not allowed to park here”, but based on Yossi’s previous history, the app automatically deduced that he was inviting her for a hookup and/or Shabbat dinner with his extended family.

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Fidel Castro now enrolled in Professor Arafat’s Civics 101 seminar at Hell Community College

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 11/28/2016 at 7:20 PM

Gehenna: Hell’s newest resident, a Mister Fidel Castro, late of Havana, has wasted no time getting situated in the abode that will be his residence for eternity. Immediately upon arriving in the Netherworld this weekend, Mr. Castro enrolled in classes over at Hell Community College, located on the Fifth Circle, right next to the Hell Convention Center which hosted last Summer’s FOREX Conference.

Like all Totalitarian Dictators, Castro is condemned to spend an eternity in an introductory Civics course, learning over and over and over again the principles of a civil society that maintains the consent of the governed.

(The Daily Freier is published on Times of Israel today. Check it out!)

People of Israel, You’re Welcome.

Sometimes, when one has received a helping hand …. or as we used to say in Chicago, “a solid“, it can be difficult to truly explain the emotions that one feels. Like gratitude. And that’s kind of the situation where we are right now. And by “we” I mean “you” the people of Israel. and “me” The President of the United States.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve done a lot that you can be thankful for. I mean, people have come up with a lot of ideas for peace. Bill Clinton did the whole “Peace Process” thing. And I suppose his idea of gaining the love and trust of the Israeli people before demanding tough concessions was a good idea… for the 90’s.

And I guess George W. Bush had an interesting plan as far as it goes in terms of building a deep personal bond with Ariel Sharon. But what did he get, besides Israel completely withdrawing from Gaza after 40 years  and handing it over to the Palestinian Authority? Are you following?

So clearly, this problem was crying out for a new way of doing business. And that’s where I came in.

I know it’s been a while, but let’s look back to 2009 when I flew over here to address the Muslim World and notably didn’t take a detour to say hi to Israel. Brilliance. Or again, for a bit of Chicago vernacular, I flipped the script …. But it gets better.

Remember the Arab Spring? Gotta say, that Mubarak character was a bit of “old hat“. Why not take a spin with the Muslim Brotherhood?  As my friend Hillary would say, “What difference does it make?

Which brings us to Syria. So there’s some folks who said the best path was to just do nothing and keep quiet. Bu that doesn’t represent. Our values. As Americans. And then you had some folks popping off. Saying we should establish a No-Fly Zone. But all of these folks failed to see the Third Approach: lecture and criticize Putin and Assad without actually, like, doing anything to back it up. And bang!  We were able to bear witness and hold Putin Assad accountable, without, like, actually having to hold them accountable.

Now when we look at the Iran Deal, a lot of folks said it couldn’t be done.  That our positions were too far apart.  And then we had some folks. Right here in Israel. And they were popping off about this. Without knowing. All the facts. But they didn’t have the big picture. Which I had.  And my Administration showed. That if you just gave Iran everything they asked for plus 20%, that they could be reasonable.

So after spending eight years with someone, you’re able to know what your partner is saying without them saying anything at all. Like that Alison Krauss song that’s so popular with the Deplorables  rural folks. So I hear what you’re saying, Israel. And all I have to say, is ‘You’re welcome‘.

Obama out.

New Israel Lotto game asks you to Guess the Street Liquid

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/26/2016 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda: By popular demand, the Israeli Lottery Authority introduced a new game this week, entitled “Guess the Street Liquid“. Each Lotto kiosk now has a puddle of unknown origin on its sidewalk, with local citizens invited to try their luck guessing its contents. Despite the seemingly simple aspects of this game of chance, there are some rules. While Lotto encourages using one’s sense of sight and sense of smell, there is a strict “No Touching” rule. The Daily Freier hung out with the kiosk attendant “Dudu” for about a half hour and watched the citizens of Tel Aviv take a spin with Lady Luck.

First on the scene was Alert local Ronit S., who stopped by the kiosk on her way home from the Shuk and decided to try out this new game of chance. Ronit spent a full minute contemplating the puddle, carefully circling the puddle from right to left and then from left to right before making her guess and filling out the bubbles on the Lottery Card.

So I think this is mazgan runoff. Mixed with mop water. And maybe a dash of pee.”

Next to stop by was Gideon.” Since we are only a few blocks from that arsey club on the corner of Ben Yehuda and Allenby, and seeing as they had a big promotion last night, I’m going with ‘Goldstar, vomit, and bad decisions’. OK, give me a bubble sheet to fill out.

Finally, recent Oleh Zachary decided to place a wager. Zachary took a moment to smell the air around the puddle before placing his eyes at street level to make an expert analysis. “I gotta go with burnt peanut oil, because of the buffet over there.” noted Zachary as he gestured toward the nearby Chinese restaurant. “But there’s just too much funk from sunflower seed husks and body odor. So I gotta say that somebody also spilled that new cologne ‘Tahanah Merkazit’. OK so where do I collect my prize?

 

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Grateful Olim thank Cellcom and Pelephone for toughening them up into Sabras

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By Mia Deych

Last Updated 11/25/2016 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Azrieli: I wanna show the nation my appreciation”: these inspiring words from the famous song by Shaggy will become the slogan of a new community, uniting and bonding grateful clients of Cellcom and Pelephone for slowly turning them into tough Sabras through contracts that are slightly harder to understand than the Gamara, but slightly easier to escape than a Turkish prison.

American Oleh Josh explained to The Daily Freier the unique mandate behind this initiative. “When you come to Israel, young and naive, one of the first errands you have to do is to buy a SIM Card”. Josh took a second to scroll through multiple notifications from WhatsApp and Tinder on his screen. “And then along came our… I would say sages……Israeli mobile operators. I mean the old-school ones – Cellcom and Pelephone”.

Josh showed us his first contract with Cellcom. “I didn’t even know where my name was, so I just signed it.  After a month, it turned out that I had to pay 40 shekels more for direct transactions from my bank account and not my credit card (like, what?) and extra money for the SIM-card and stuff. I was livid. I thought they were scamming me for money! But now I understand that all those ostensibly fraudulent schemes are designed to mentor and guide us in the Land of our Forefathers. I really appreciate all the fights at their office that have made me a real (tough!) Israeli”.

Recent British Olah Sarah joined our conversation. “So true! I speak Hebrew, my dad’s Israeli; yet it took me almost a month to cancel my second Pelephone SIM-card for my iPad. Each time I called them, they tried to convince me to ponder my decision and promptly hung up on me, until I finally managed to overcome my Britishness and shout at them. Such a wonderful relief! I still have to pay 300 shekels for the SIM-card, but what an experience that was. Like the time I found out that Hebrew vowels were totally made up just to screw with Olim.”

Cellcom and Pelephone spokespersons have not given their official comments, but in a private conversation, Shlomi from the Cellcom kiosk in Azrieli Center agreed. “Finally our efforts in helping Olim are appreciated. Some Israeli banks are trying to do this job, but they are not as dedicated and consistent as we are. But, gotta say, Kol Kvod for all of Hot Cable’s efforts.

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Nursery Rhyme Characters join Post-Election Protests

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/23/2016 at 8:00 AM

London: The twin shock wins of Brexit and Apprentice host Donald Trump have produced an unexpected surge in violent protests and assaults among nursery rhyme characters.

Lazy chav Humpty Dumpty was arrested in England for racially attacking Polish construction
workers after he fell from a retaining wall, which left him unable to get disability benefits for a fractured fibula. Also arrested was an angry Little Miss Muffet for throwing her old tuffet, the only furniture she had left after IKEA relocated all its branches to Ireland.

Old Macdonald left his barren farm, together with Mary, who had to eat her little lamb or go to a food shelter, and Little Bo Peep, who did lose her entire flock …to a lousy exchange rate, to show moral support for poor Baa Baa Black Sheep. Baa had no wool left after the EU stopped its subsidies, killing off his farm and it also refused to import the three bags full that he had produced because of EU quotas applicable to Brexit Britain.

Meanwhile, Stateside, Jill was left seething after boyfriend Jack, who went to fetch her a pail of water, broke his crown but was left uninsured to see a dentist after Trump threw out Obamacare.

Over at the Spout, Itsy Bitsy Spider failed to climb it when the sun didn’t come out to dry the rain after Donald ripped up America’s pledge to curb greenhouse gases.

And having kissed all the girls and made them cry, Georgie Porgie avoided a harassment lawsuit and was given a cabinet position by Trump, in quite a turnaround for li’l Georgie. When the boys came out to play, Georgie didn’t always run away so he was forced to undergo the ‘conversion’ therapy urged (and experienced) by VP Mike-on-the-down-low Pence.

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“But I hooked up with a Golani!” American gentile woman pleads case for Aliyah

“But I hooked up with a Golani!” American gentile woman pleads case for Aliyah

(Sort of Based on a True Story, so we sort of changed the names! DM us for the real ones!)

By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/22/2016 at 8:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Savidor: Sincere fan of Israel and Israeli life “Alison” is bound and determined to make Aliyah, but as a Gentile in semi-good standing, she faces a very uphill fight. Yet Alison has never let small details get in the way of her goals. In fact, Alison is now on her way to the Jewish Agency and Nefesh B’ Nefesh in Jerusalem to plead this case under her very unique reading of the Law of Return, specifically the “hands-on support” she provided to a certain lucky dude in the Israel Defense Force’s Golani Brigade off and on for most of last year.  The Daily Freier caught up with Alison at Savidor Bus Terminal as she prepared to take a bus to Jerusalem to present her case.

I honestly don’t know what the big deal is. I mean I love it here.  I really like Passover Seders. I love love love Purim. And besides, Nefesh B’Nefesh already decided to accept your Catholic friend from back home who everyone always thought was kinda Jewish anyway. So there’s like precedent and stuff. Also, I can’t wait to start an Aliyah Blog. Nobody ever does that. It will be unique!”

When the Daily Freier challenged Alison that Aliyah is a difficult task even for Jews and must be supported with documentation, she quickly looked us in the eye and cut us off mid-sentence. “Oh, I’ve earned this. Believe me….. I’ve earned this.

Meanwhile, the Golani soldier at the center of this case who we’ll call “Yonatan”, could not be reached as he was currently on hardship duty, chaperoning a Birthright trip through the Negev. Yet this case has already had dramatic repercussions beyond Golani to units throughout the IDF. Upon hearing of our heroine Alison’s travails, a spokesperson from the Paratroopers indicated that they have extended Liberty next weekend and will be around Tel Aviv by Thursday….plus they have better boots.

UPDATE: In an unexpected bit of good news, the clerk at the Jewish Agency who received Alison’s application also served in Golani so he fast-tracked her Aliyah package……And Oh by the Way, sent her a very…. personal photo…. via fax.

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