Category: Thomas Friedman

Binyamin Netanyahu, Joe Biden, Protests 2023, Thomas Friedman

Biden Threatens Bibi: End Reforms Or Else Thomas Friedman Writes More Op-Eds

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/24/2023 at 11:00 PM

Washington: Israel-American relations are in deep crisis today with news that President Biden made explicit threats to Prime Minister Netanyahu: either call off judicial reforms or Thomas Friedman will continue writing his Opinion pieces about the situation. Mr. Friedman, famous pundit and taxi cab whisperer, has written a series of increasingly bizarre columns about the situation in Israel. Sources close to the White House were able to provide a partial transcript of the tense phone call.

Bibi: Hello?

Biden: Hey Bibi man, you gotta call off this Malarkey. This…. Come on, man.

(20 Second of Silence)

Bibi: What’s going on?

Biden: You want another Thomas Friedman Op-Ed? Because this is how you get another Thomas Friedman Op-Ed.

Bibi: Joe, be reasonable.

Biden: Corn Pop was a Bad Dude. But if you don’t back off this court stuff, we’re giving the Green Light to Friedman. Two Op-Eds a week, baby. We’re going to pay for all of his taxi rides for the next month. How do you like them, umm, what do you call them… them apples?

News of Biden’s hard line tactics shocked Washington insiders, who noted that Biden and Netanyahu have 40 years of history together.  Yet Israelis were just as equally shocked at the news.  Ramat Gan housewife Orit C. shared her views on the development while she waited on line with her kids at the Tel Aviv Namal McDonalds.

“Friedman’s dumb articles haunt me.”  Orit explained. “It’s like he’s a ghost. A Scary Boomer Ghost. Who won’t leave.“

For his part, Mr. Friedman was rather sanguine about these developments. “Bibi is playing Sheish Beish, but the protesters are watching Seinfeld. If King David learned to Code, then Arafat and Shimon Peres could have opened a Start-Up. If the Saudis run out of oil before Mark Zuckerberg fixes Facebook, then Elon Musk should have studied Farsi. To understand the Arab Street, you first must understand how The Smurfs changed Cairo in the 1980’s. Please, somebody stop me.”

As the story went to print, the Israeli public breathed a sigh of relief upon news that Friedman is currently busy writing a Think Piece about Bollywood, Al Gore, and Kabballah.

 

 

 

The New York Times, Thomas Friedman

Downsized: New York Times replaces Thomas Friedman with Chatbot Cairo Taxi Driver

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/15/2023 at 11:45 PM

Manhattan: In a cost-cutting move described as Boomer Abuse Bold & Decisive, the New York Times decided today to replace longtime pundit Thomas Friedman’s weekly column with the transcripts of a Cairo Taxi Driver Chatbot. “This is really about eliminating the Middle Man.” explained editor Joseph Kahn. “For the last 40 years, Mr. Friedman has based 90% of his columns on the insights and wisdom of cabbies from Amman, Cairo, and Riyadh. Think of this as a more ‘farm to table’ approach to journalism.”

Ahmed is an affable, verbose, yet insightful cab driver who was created in a collaborative effort between Columbia University’s Middle East and Computer Science Departments. Ahmed still believes that he is speaking to his old friend “Mister Tow-Moss from America” who he first drove in 1983 on the way to a birthday party for King Hussein hosted by Hosni Mubarak. Ahmed the chatbot has a chatbot wife named Heba and four University-educated chatbot daughters, leading to many conversations on the Status of Women in the Middle East that somehow always align amazingly close to Mr. Friedman’s point of view.

“We created Ahmed with the ability to produce hours of folksy homespun non sequiturs mixed with raw insights that are suspiciously close to Mr. Friedman’s own political beliefs and theories.” explained Alyssa Stevens, the lead programmer on the project. “Ahmed has read ‘The World is Flat’. He found it ‘derivative’ but doesn’t have the heart to say this to his cherished friend.“

Wishing to get to the bottom of this travesty of justice, the Daily Freier sought out Ahmed the Chatbot for a…. chat. Ahmed took us on a virtual ride from Cairo International Airport to our virtual hotel near the Nile. “Helloooo Tow-moss my friend!” bellowed a noticeably happy and enthused Ahmed. “Habibi, we must move away from Fossil Fuels and build a new Digital Arab Superhighway! We can call it Silicon Suez! This is a very good name, don’t you think, Mister Tow-moss?”

As Ahmed eased his way through traffic, he smoked a computer-generated cigarette and expounded on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in terms that again hewed amazingly close to Inside the Beltway Center-Left Conventional Wisdom. “Tow-Moss my friend, Bibi and the Israelis do not want peace. Bibi should have listened more to Obama and Bill Clinton. I still love Bill Clinton, Mister Tow-Moss!” Ahmed somehow made “Israelis” into a 7 syllable word.

As we left the cab, Ahmed wished good health and happiness for our family before leaning in closer and lowering his voice to an urgent whisper. “Tow-Moss, we must stop Bibi from copying Trump’s playbook and instigating a January 6th-style response to the Protests against Judicial Overhaul in Israel!”

Sources close to Mr. Friedman remain convinced that he will quickly recover from this professional setback as the Chatbot lacks the required Gigabytes of memory to truly mimic Friedman’s name-dropping capabilities.

 

Thomas Friedman

Amman taxi driver has recurring nightmare that he’s trapped in his cab with Thomas Friedman

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/5/2019 at 11:40 AM

Queen Alia International Airport, Jordan: Local taxi driver Omar A. has not been himself lately. It seems that for the last 6 months, he has suffered from the same horrible nightmare: being trapped in his taxi cab with noted pundit and New York Times contributor Thomas Friedman.

“I wake up each morning in a cold sweat.” explained a visibly shaken Omar has we sat in the Airport’s Taxi Driver break room. “Sometimes, he is on the way to a Green Energy Expo at the Palace, and he asks me what I think about building windmills on the Dead Sea. How the Hell should I know? Then, in last night’s dream, I was driving him to the Queen’s Conference on the Status of Women. Fine, no problem. But he kept asking me if my daughter was learning to code. I pretended not to speak English, but he switched to Arabic.” Omar rubbed his bloodshot eyes as he continued to chain-smoke Marlboros. “I feel sick. If this does not stop before next month’s UNESCO Seminar on Agriculture, I’m going to lose my mind.”

As if this were not bad enough, Omar’s problems are beginning to affect his marriage. Omar’s wife Fatima spoke to the Daily Freier about how these nightmares have stressed their relationship. “All of my other girlfriends are worried that their husbands are betting on horses too much or seeing a younger woman…… you know, normal problems. But my Omar? This bad man Mister Thomas has made him majnoon. Just last week he was talking in his sleep about a high-speed rail link between Aqaba and Mecca that would be funded by India’s second-most popular Soap Opera actress and Mark Zuckerberg.”

The Daily Freier tried to reach out to Mr. Friedman for comment on this unfolding tragedy, but his personal assistant said that he was busy writing a Think-Piece for the New York Times arguing that the Six Day War could have been avoided if Nasser had Instagram.

 

Israellycool, Thomas Friedman

Critics fear Trump Mid-East Policy may cause renewed outbreak of Thomas Friedman

screen shot 2019-01-05 at 12.30.04 pm(We originally published this story on Israellycool in 2017)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/27/2017 at 12:30 PM

Washington: With the Trump Administration’s controversial new Middle Eastern policy of not being Iran’s bitch renewed skepticism toward traditional adversaries and not telling allies where their nation’s capital is, critics fear that if things don’t change quickly, the region may face a renewed outbreak of Thomas Friedman.

Noted author, New York Times columnist, and pundit Thomas Friedman, who had something relevant to say as recently as Bill Clinton’s second term, is somewhat of a worst-case scenario, involving baklava anecdotes, talking to the audience on Face the Nation like he’s talking to a somewhat slow four-year old, and the inevitable name-dropping reference to the late King Hussein of Jordan. The Daily Freier spoke off the record with several Inside-the-Beltway experts about their fears.

“The Administration really needs to tone it down.” explained a career diplomat from a Western European nation currently stationed in Washington. “The moment Trump announced that he might move the Embassy, I was like ‘Oh boy. It’s only a matter of time before Thomas Friedman makes some goofy metaphor involving Shimon Peres, the New England Patriots, and his latest Uber Driver.’ I just wish Trump’s team would be more cautious. We’re dealing with serious stuff.”

“Do those guys want Friedman to write another sequel to the Lexus and the Olive Tree???” admonished a retired Army Officer from his Northern Virginia home. “Because this is how we get another sequel to the Lexus and the Olive Tree.”

“Brookings is having a free lecture tomorrow that’s open to the public.” explained a prominent Congressman from the West Coast. “But I’m afraid to attend. Because we are like THIS close to Thomas Friedman entering an out of control vortex where he somehow strings together his Beirut landlord in the early 80’s, the new iPhone, and Anwar Sadat’s eye doctor.”

The Daily Freier is currently working on a drinking game involving Mr. Friedman’s inevitable lecture tour on this fascinating subject.

 

The New York Times, Thomas Friedman

Thomas Friedman detained at Ben Gurion Airport for smuggling clichés

Thomas Friedman(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/2/2015 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Ben Gurion Airport: Noted author, New York Times columnist, and pundit Thomas Friedman was detained early this morning at Ben Gurion Airport for attempting to illegally smuggle multiple clichés out of the country. In addition, he is being held for possession of several non-sequiturs and homespun bits of nonsense that he failed to declare to Customs upon departure.  The United States Embassy in Tel Aviv has sent a Consular Affairs official to the airport in order to meet with Mr. Friedman. The Embassy explained that the intent was to ensure that Mr. Friedman is being treated in accordance with all agreements and protocols between the two nations vis-a-vis detention of citizens in transit.  Meanwhile, the Daily Freier is on the scene of the unfolding crisis and speaking with Israeli Border Authority Spokesperson Sarit B.

“Mr. Friedman exceeded the mandated cliché limit that Israeli Customs Law dictates. Normally we let people go if they have one or two Masada references. Same with “Stuff your neighborhood juice guy told you”. You’re also allowed to have two camel anecdotes from the Negev……Birthright participants are allowed six.”

Mr. Friedman first attracted attention while standing on line waiting for the pre-departure interview. Alert local Ronit S. was waiting on line next to him and discreetly notified security that something was amiss.  Ronit shared her experience with the Daily Freier;  “So it’s 7 AM, I’m on my way to Rome for a week, and this guy will Not…Stop…Talking to me. At first I ignored him because I thought he was just trying to hit on me. Then I realized it was far worse.  He was trying to convince me that the Bible was actually a lot like a tech start-up in Palo Alto.”

Suspicions were further raised when Mr. Friedman informed Passport Control officer David P. that “Bibi is still bargaining but the Shuk is about to close!” followed by “If Assad watched Seinfeld then Putin should have played American football.” David explained the chain of events to the Daily Freier; “He wasn’t making any sense. I even called over my supervisor and we just sat there staring at him dumbfounded as he compared the Gaza withdrawal of 2005 to the Amtrak Acela train from DC to New York. None of us could figure out what the hell he was talking about so we detained him.”

When the Daily Freier queried David as to why Mr. Friedman was still being held, he replied “I don’t know. Why don’t you go ask ‘Captain Obvious’ over there.” as he gestured to Mr Friedman pacing backs and forth in his holding cell. When the Daily Freier approached the cell to talk to Mr. Friedman, he began screaming “The world is flat!……I wish that Mark Zuckerberg could run Saudi Arabia for a day!….. I’m overpaid!….. Bibi is buying matzoh but Abbas is selling a carpet!….. Olive trees!….. Random hummus reference!…..When you’re a hammer everything looks like a nail!….. NASDAQ! …..Georgetown!…. Jimmy Carter was a peanut farmer but Ariel Sharon was a rancher!….. That time I played backgammon with the late King Hussein!…. AirBnB could never work under Mubarak!….. What if King Solomon had Wi-Fi?”

Authorities were finally able to sedate Mr. Friedman with a phone call from a patient and genial Shimon Peres followed by an hour of traditional Israeli folk dancing with the guards, some of the cleaning staff, and the ladies who work in the duty-free shop.

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