Category: Jerusalem

Jerusalem Syndrome victim rushed to Tel Aviv for emergency dose of pretentious self-involvement

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/29/2018 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem, Church of the Holy Sepulchre: A man was airlifted to Tel Aviv yesterday with only moments to spare after suffering from an acute attack of “Jerusalem Syndrome“. You see, Jerusalem tends to drive people nuts. And not just “OMG This is such an A-Ma-Zing party city! We can even drink beer in the Shuk!”  No, we’re talking “I believe I am a Central Character from a Major World Religion and I intend to dress the part. Footwear optional.”

So when a barefoot bearded man wearing a white robe started hanging around the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, authorities were immediately suspicious. And as he got more and more “in-character”, paramedics were on alert. Finally, as he began to quote the Book of Revelation, the man was ushered out the door to a waiting helicopter. Yair S., one of the paramedics on board, explained.

We were going to rush him to Tel Aviv on the High-Speed Rail, but we needed to arrived some time that day, so we decided to airlift him instead. And by the time we got him to the chopper, he was quickly fading and we knew we only had moments to put him on the path to being a shallow and self-absorbed Tel Avivian. So as my partner placed a pair of stupid sunglasses on his face and a bluetooth in his ear, I braided his hair into a man-bun. By the time we reached Icholov, he was stabilized. Thankfully, his beard was just fine as-is.

The Daily Freier was able to visit Icholov Hospital’s state-of-the-art “De-Jerusalemization Chamber“, where the man was currently under treatment. Dr. Chaim T. described the man’s progress. “So we have him on a steady diet of Cafe hafuch, freshly squeezed juice, and muesli from that place on Dizengoff. And I must say, he’s making great progress. Just an hour ago, he told me that he’s ‘an influencer’. With any luck, by next week he will be voting Meretz.” Doctor Chaim then peered into the chamber and jumped with excitement. “Good news! Good news! He just went onto Secret Tel Aviv to try to get laid!

UPDATE: As the story went to print, Icholov Hospital proudly announced that the man had moved to Florentin and now claims to be a graffiti artist. Also, he now blogs from a nearby vegan coffee shop and is collaborating on an app that helps you procure a medical marijuana prescription for your dog.

 

 

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Jerusalem bakery shut down after roaches in display case caught breaking Shabbos

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 11/28/2018 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem, Derech Yafo: Last week, the Jerusalem Post reported that a customer visiting a Jerusalem Branch of the Maafe Ne’eman bakery posted a video of cockroaches running along a plate of borekas in the display case and the clerk on duty refusing to throw it away. But from there, the story took a very disturbing turn. The video also provided concrete proof that the roaches in question had repeatedly violated Shabbos! Yes, it appears that the cockroaches spent much of the Sabbath on Social Media, and reportedly were seen planning a Saturday trip to the Dead Sea. The City Health Department moved quickly to shut the business down, and reaction from their customers was swift.

The Daily Freier spoke with local Yeshiva student Nachum C. “Insects walking on the borekas gevinas? Whatever. No big deal. But when I found out that those roaches turn the lights of their display case off on Friday night before they go to bed? Well I’m finished at that shop forever!”

I can accept a certain number of roaches in my food. I mean, I was in the Army, right?” explained Har Nof resident Yossi R. “But they also text on Shabbat? That was too much.” Yossi then lowered his voice to a conspiratorial level and moved closer to us. “Also, I heard that the roaches sometimes eat over at that Shawarma place around the corner with a hechsher that I don’t like.”

According to Maafe Ne’eman’s company website, they are busy steam-cleaning the store’s display case and the roaches are now attending remedial classes at a local Yeshiva for At-Risk youth.

 

 

That’s not Kif-Kef! The Americans are stealing our brands!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/25/2018 at 11:30 AM

Jerusalem, Givat Shaul: “They spelled Kif-Kef wrong! It’s fake chocolate! These are fake brand names from a fake store!” explained native Yerushalmi Yossi D as he recounted his experience of accidentally shopping in an “American store” in the city. “They’re imitations, but they’re clearly not fooling anyone! They spelled Kif-Kef wrong… it’s clear someone is trying to rip off our famous Israeli brands!” he admonished.

Yossi, who had a morning appointment in Givat Shaul to yell at a Maas HaChnasa clerk, was confused when he walked into a nearby grocery store. “I saw a rack of Tapuchips inside, so I thought I’d go in and buy a bag, but when I got closer, I saw that it wasn’t Tapuchips, it was some knockoff brand called “Lay’s” who had clearly copied the colors and logo of our famous Israeli chips. Do they think we’re stupid and don’t know the difference?

Yossi then added “You know, every word comes from Hebrew. Give me a word, any word, and I show you how the root of that word is Hebrew.

As the Daily Freier prepared to return to Tel Aviv on the High-Speed rail, Yossi asked us to help him carry 12 boxes of Uncle Moishy Cereal to his Sherut.

“We’re just as boring as the rest of the city!” Jerusalem LGBT’s march for equality

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/3/2018 at 5:45 PM

Jerusalem: With yesterday’s Jerusalem Pride Parade, the city’s LGBT Community stood up as one to show that they can be just as dull as the city’s straight residents. The Daily Freier took the Number 480 Bus up from our hideout on the Coastal Plain to investigate.

The Daily Freier first met up with Dalit and her partner Noga, who proceeded to explain that they really really wanted to plan a great after-party, “But we spent all week at the National Archives studying the Poetry of the Second Aliyah, and just never got around to it.

Next we spoke with a marcher named Avi. “As a Gay Man, I just wanted to show that I also belong in a city with Zero nightlife.” he explained. “This city without a single decent club? It’s my city too.”

Avi’s friend Assaf concurred. “People think that being gay is just party party party…. but it’s not. Being gay should also mean living in a city where everyone is welcome at the Number One Thursday night activity……you know, drinking beer in a Shuk.

The Daily Freier wanted to continue the interview but Assaf said it was 6:30 PM and “getting late” and that he needed to wake up early for tomorrow’s book fair.

Vowing to close Machane Yehuda, Litzman pledges to make Jerusalem “just as boring as the Daily Freier thinks it is”

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/12/2018 at 5:50 PM

Jerusalem, Machane Yehuda Market: Jerusalem is still in shock from the news that the United Torah Judaism Party’s  Yaakov Litzman wants to close down Jerusalem’s Machane Yehuda Market, a move that would deprive the city of its one cool hangout and thus “make the city just as boring as the Daily Freier thinks it is”. Reaction across the city was intense, with particularly strong objection from your one friend who has somehow convinced himself that Jerusalem really has a great party scene. Mr. Litzman outlined his objections to the market, calling it a “focal point for debauchery“, whereas our research revealed it to be about as decadent as a particularly edgy Tel Aviv laundromat.

Yet the Daily Freier wanted to get “all the facts” so it set out on a deep investigation of this topic to include reading a Times of Israel article and taking the bus to Jerusalem and walking around. According to the article, one of Mr. Litzman’s objections to the market is that recently two drunk women accidentally wandered into a nearby Yeshiva, a tragedy that the traumatized Yeshiva bochers have no doubt reacted to by telling and re-telling the story to their friends a thousand times, each re-telling somehow better and more exciting than the last.

In addition, Litzman claimed to have witnessed cannabis use in the market, leading the Daily Freier to send his office an official inquiry as to the specific part of the Market where he witnessed this so-called “cannabis”. And whether these “cannabis users” were passing it around or just being a dick about it keeping it to themselves. And whether they still had any left.

Furthermore, Mr. Litzman said that “if people want to have such a raucous nightlife, they should do so outside the capital.” Wait a minute…. he really really did say this. Sorry, writing satire is just getting harder and harder for us. Anyhoo, Jerusalemites who want to have a good time are invited to take the high-speed rail line to Tel Aviv, which will be ready  last March/Bzrat HaShem/in the Fall/Inshallah/after the Chagim/Before Moschiach/when Hanin Zoabi and Matisyahu record a duet/ next Pesach “soon”.

Fortunately, this extreme action seems unlikely to take place, for just because Mr. Litzman controls a powerful bloc of voters, mainstream Israeli politicians would never sell out their constituents just to gain a short-term political advanta…….Bwahahahahahahaha! Good luck, Jerusalem!

Delusional American retiree suffering from “Jerusalem Syndrome” rushed to hospital

We voted for this photo before we voted against it(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/24/2018 at 4:30 PM

Jerusalem, the German Colony: Israel’s capital (Yeah, we said it.) experienced quite a scare today as a clearly agitated man was taken into custody for his own safety. At approximately 10 AM this morning, an older gentleman wearing a disheveled suit wandered into traffic and attempted to enter a private vehicle that he described as “my town car“.  At this point the driver’s owner got into an altercation with the gentleman, who insisted that he had “an important message for Abu Mazen” [Momentary Real World Buzzkill: Yes he DID actually say this today]. After the vehicle’s irate driver pushed him away, the pensioner walked over to a local convenience store, where he patiently discussed with a confused Dati woman the best places to park your yacht on Martha’s Vineyard during the winter months. After several minutes, the gentleman exited the shop and jumped onto the Jerusalem light rail, describing the movement of the train as being “not unlike windsurfing” before  exiting at the Machane Yehuda Market. As the retiree wandered the Shuk’s confusing alleys, he told a man selling cactus fruit that “this place is more confusing than Dizengoff Center“. The man then stopped at a pastry shop, where he dropped his voice to a conspiratorial whisper and told customers that within a year there was a good chance that Trump would not be in the White House  and that he was “seriously considering running for president in 2020.” [Real World Alert: Yes he really said this]. It was at this point that concerned bystanders feared that the man was suffering from the delusions of grandeur symptomatic of  “Jerusalem Syndrome” and stepped in to help. As one man distracted the pensioner by entering into a drawn out negotiation over a carpet, a woman slipped away to call for medical help. Magen David Adom personnel quickly arrived on the scene and gently escorted the confused man into a waiting ambulance that they described as his “personal limousine” that would bring him to meet “the important people“.

UPDATE: An American Embassy spokesperson described the man’s current condition as “Good” and that he was “quite busy” perusing the care package he had received from the Embassy’s Consular Section, consisting of some nautical charts of Cape Cod, Season Three of the West Wing, and a Thomas Friedman book.

Exclusive Preview: Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s new Book!

While all of you wait impatiently for Sarah’s new book on life in Jerusalem to come out, running old Daily Freier algorithms to build your own Sarah-Tuttle Singer article while trying to somehow find a way that the Israeli postal system will allow you to order the real thing from Amazon, the Daily Freier managed to steal a page of her final draft. How did we do it you ask? By patiently waiting at Crave Street Food until she got distracted by the arrival of her friend the Gay Mizrahi truck driver who always sells the best pomegranates. And we passed on this excerpt to YOU, our loyal readers. Don’t thank us. We’re not listening. So without further ado, behold a page of the manuscript!

 


……. seriously mixed feelings because how was I supposed to know that my Internet troll would be so cute in real life? I know, right? But anyway, let me tell you about the time my Palestinian cab driver was listening to Carlebach and OMG can I just tell you? Crave’s bathroom stocks free tampons! Hella Woke, Am I right? So then I’m just walking through Machane Yehuda rummaging through my purse for a coin for the scratch-off lottery ticket that I bought from that really funky Makolet that’s run by the totally chill lesbian Off the Derech couple who always let me use their bathroom when I have to pee. So where was I? OK so I’m drinking from my flask of Laphroaig 18 Years. The peat? OMG can I tell you about the peat? But anyway, I bought it at the Heathrow Duty Free, and the cashier was wearing full hijab. And we had an amazing moment in the checkout line that reminded me that anything is possible if we just…. wait a second. I think I misjudged the strength of the edibles that I took an hour ago and the last time this happened I ended up walking the entire ancient road from Ramle to Yafo and got these Painful blisters because I was wearing flats that were kinda too big but I didn’t have time to return them because Crave had just changed their menu and can I just tell you? Their lamb bacon? Better than the real thing. So anyway, let me tell you about the ride back. So I’m standing on the platform waiting for my train and I sneezed. Because it’s cold out. And I wasn’t wearing a coat. Don’t judge, OK? So Yeah. I sneezed. And then do you know what happened? This Haredi guy turned to me and said “Sei Gezunt”. Which was just incredible. Kind of like the time I went to Mid-Burn in the Negev and accidentally joined a cult for 6 hours before I figured out that the mushrooms must have been……