Category: Jerusalem

Jerusalem, Start Up Nation

Jerusalem Cafe offers dishes made 100% from ingredients they schnorred off Secret Jerusalem

(Based on a True Story!)

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/28/2023 at 1:50 PM

Jerusalem, Machane Yehuda: The city’s Foodie community is abuzz today with news of the latest Hot Pop-Up in the Machane Yehuda market. “Yoni’s Crowdsource Kitchen” has a diverse menu consisting of Israeli favorites, Italian dishes, Tapas, and even some Asian Fusion. But here’s the catch. they don’t own a refrigerator. Or a freezer. Or a pantry. Customers place their orders, then the kitchen staff go onto popular community Facebook page “Secret Jerusalem” and ask random strangers to give them the required ingredients!

So what’s going on with Secret Jerusalem that it would become Ground Zero for Ingredient Schnorring? You see, Secret Tel Aviv used to be a veritable Wildlife Preserve of Anglo Olim Public Mishigas. But the Indigenous Population were displaced by settlers Native Israelis discovered Secret Tel Aviv so now it’s lost that goofy feeling from circa 2016 when a woman publicly sought out the owners of the men’s boxers that got mixed in with her laundry at the laundromat (really), a woman tried to pimp out her cat (really), a dude tried to sell “someone else’s” porn collection (really), and Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark signed a sperm bank as an Affiliate (really). Now oversharing Anglo Olim are seeing their natural habitat shrinking, and Secret Jerusalem is their last big refuge. So basically the Anglo Olim are Marsupials and Secret Jerusalem is their Australia (try to keep up with our metaphors, OK?). Thus the Torch of Random Anglo Weirdness has been passed from Secret Tel Aviv to Secret Jerusalem.

Wait, where were we? Oh yeah, Yoni’s Crowdsource Kitchen is quickly building a loyal customer base in Jerusalem’s Central Market. To maintain their hechsher, employees from the Rabbanut will even accompany the chefs and randomly inspect the kitchens of the people who give them their ingredients. The Daily Freier stopped by to talk to some very excited customers.

“This is amazing!” gushed Rasko resident Shayna. “I just ordered a dish called “lemon chicken yakitori“. Shayna opened her phone. “Hey look, someone just went onto Secret Jerusalem and asked for soy sauce and a lemon.*  I can’t wait!“

Yet not all reviews were 100% positive. “The shakshouka was delicious but I had to wait 90 minutes.” complained Katamon resident Zachary. “Why did it take so long just to get eggs and a tomato? Did he get lost in Binyan Clal or something?”

Contrary to published reports, this bistro is NOT currently run by noted Jerusalem epicure Shimshon Leshinsky.

* Real World Non-Satire Alert: This Really happened.

Dating and Relationships, Jerusalem

Couple who met on Yitzhak Navon Escalators are still on Escalators, just broke off Engagement.
“Stop Escalating!”

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 9/8/2022 at 5:30 PM

Jerusalem: The Jerusalem Anglo Scene is in turmoil with news today that one of this Summer’s Fun Couples is On The Outs. Shayna and Zachary, who met in late July on the escalators in the Jerusalem Yitzhak Navon Train Station, are in fact still on the escalators…. and just broke off their engagement.  You see, the kinda new High Speed Train from Tel Aviv is kinda fast, but it drops you off about 11,000 meters below the city (Don’t question our Numbers. This is Science.) So unless you want to risk getting hip-checked while you jockey for a precious spot on the elevator, you’re going to be on the Escalator for a LONG TIME. Which is great if you want to “meet cute” like Shayna and Zachary, but after a while it just gets old. The Daily Freier was on the scene to find out just where It All Went Wrong.

”I just need to think about my future.” confided Shayna. “Yesterday I asked Zachary where this all is even going. You know what he said? ‘To the top.’…. This is exhausting.”

“What’s he even doing with his life?” Shayna continued as we stepped onto the next escalator. “I mean, he’s always just sort of ‘around’. Does he even WORK?” Shayna sighed with exasperation. “Just what Jerusalem needs… another guy without a real job.”

“Look at him. He’s mentally checked out.” Shayna noted as Zachary fiddled with his phone. “What could he possibly be doing that’s so important?” At that moment, Zachary turned around with an announcement. “Wow, today’s Wordle is Impossible!”

As Shayna rummaged through her purse for some gum, we had a chance to talk to Zachary, who had misgivings of his own. “Ever since we met it just feels like I can’t even control my next step.” he complained as we continued upward. Zachary then fearfully looked in all directions from the escalator. “I feel trapped.”

As The Daily Freier ended the interview, Zachary and Shayna seemed to have reconciled while sharing a laugh about a weird/funny Jerusalem restaurant review by Shimshon Leshinksy.

 

 

 

 

Jerusalem, Judaism

Vegan Jewish extremists caught sacrificing Tofurky on Temple Mount
Still not the weirdest Ba’al Teshuva that you’ve ever met from the Gush!

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/7/2022 at 1:50 PM

Jerusalem, Har HaBayit: A potential International Incident was narrowly averted today, thanks to the quick reaction of Israeli Law Enforcement. This morning a group of Vegan Extremists infiltrated the Temple Mount during the allotted Jewish visitation hours. While guards were distracted by somebody possibly reciting the Shema, the Vegan Extremists attempted to sacrifice a Tofurky, thus fulfilling Biblical Prophecy. At the last minute, a policewoman intervened and managed to wrestle the lead Vegan to the ground because she wasn’t Vegan. The Police held a hasty news conference outside the Dung Gate.

The Daily Freier questioned the police spokesperson as to how they were able to so quickly identify the suspects and close in for the arrest: How did they figure out which Jews on the Temple Mount were Vegans?

“They walked across the entire plaza in order to inform us that they’re Vegans.” the spokesperson replied. “Then they sent us multiple texts announcing that they’re Vegans. They’re currently in our Holding Cells, and to be honest, they still haven’t stopped telling their fellow prisoners that they’re Vegans.”

The Daily Freier then traveled to the Confinement Facility in order to get the Vegans’ perspective on this potentially catastrophic incident. A man introduced himself as Nahum, but said we could also call him Starseed. “This was an act of Solidarity with the animals. I hope that our action strikes a blow against the Meat Industry.” Nahum/Starseed then lowered his voice and looked around the room. “I was also hoping that this incident would catch the attention of Outspoken Tel Aviv Vegan/Daily Freier contributor Roxy Cruz so she would maybe go out on a date with me.”

The Daily Freier challenged Nahum/Starseed that his Group’s actions were counterproductive and could have triggered an International Incident but he was adamant. “Whatever. I guarantee you that I’m still not the weirdest Ba’al Teshuva that you’ve ever met from the Gush.”

As the story went to print, the activists were placed on conditional release in order to allow them to arrive on time for their 3 day retreat in the Arava, doing yoga and channeling their feminine energy at the price of 2400 NIS per person.

 
Jerusalem, Judaism

“This is the End!” Yeshiva Bochers react to Tax on Disposable Utensils

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/4/2021 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem, Neve Yaakov: “I feel personally victimized…. by this government!  This obviously anti-religious bill attacks me personally!” lamented Yisroel M, a 20-year-old yeshiva student, describing his feelings about the new tax on disposable plasticware. “If the Yeshiva wanted us to do dishes, they should have put dishwashers in our dorm rooms, but all they gave us was a ‘negel vasser’ sink in the middle of the kitchenette.“

“When my sister Shevy in Sanhedriya heard the news she tore keriya.” Yisroel explained. “As a mom with seven small children, how does anyone expect her to wash dishes? Between her unlicensed gan that she runs out of her house and her cash-only sheitel washing business, she doesn’t have time. With this extra expense, she’s looking for another job….. a few of her neighbors approached her to join their shady MLM.“

We wanted to speak with Shevy but Yisroel warned us not to. “She’s just going to pester you about when you’re going to America next and if you can bring her back some plastic plates in your luggage.” he admonished. “Our aunt just visited and half her suitcase was filled with American toilet paper! What’s wrong with Shevy? Can’t she just order it on Amazon like everyone else?“

Yisroel offered us a cup of grainy instant coffee from his yeshiva lounge as we discussed his distrust of coercive government. “They tax stuff we really need …because they’re telling us what to do! I’m an independent thinker, nobody tells me what to do…. except for my Rosh Yeshiva.”

As we left, Yisroel noted that he was afraid the government would impose taxes on other things that he loved in order to try to make him buy less of them. “What if they taxed black pants that don’t reach my ankles? Or buying cholent Thursday night? Or imagine if they put a tax …. on our cigarettes!“

Jerusalem

From now on we only write stories about the Jerusalem Sinkhole
(photo credit: Twitter)

So on Monday afternoon a giant sinkhole opened up in the parking lot of a Jerusalem Hospital, swallowing cars and generally behaving badly. Some people blamed it on the Shidduch Crisis. Others blamed it on the Jooz(really). But the Daily Freier went a step further, and will stop all other activity for the immediate future as we doggedly pursue multiple stories about this Enigma of a Sinkhole. So without further ado, here is a list of our upcoming Sinkhole Stories.

1. “I’m a Start-Up.” Jerusalem Sinkhole rebrands himself

2. Shas blames Sinkhole on Naftali Bennett

3. Outrage after Sinkhole goes on Secret Jerusalem and asks where he can get a bacon cheeseburger

4. “Have you wrapped Tefillin today?” Chabadnik stops by the Sinkhole

5. Bibi says he can’t leave office “until we fix the Sinkhole crisis”

6. Rashida Tlaib claims that her grandmother used to live in the Sinkhole before the Naqba

7. Leaked audio reveals Sara Netanyahu screaming at the Sinkhole about her Masters Degree

8. Sinkhole’s wife wants to move to Ramat Bet Shemesh because their current kitchen is too small

9. “Was he secretly Messianic?” The Sinkhole’s Jerusalem Minyan has its suspicions

10. Bar Rafaeli says she really wanted to pay her taxes but the sinkhole stopped her

11. CNN begins referring to the “Occupied Arab sinkhole”

12. “What about Tzfat?” Nefesh b’Nefesh invites the Sinkhole to explore their “Go North” program

13. Sarah Tuttle-Singer shares a taxi with the Sinkhole and they discuss Tamar from the Bible for 3 hours

14. The Sinkhole starts lying about his Army service to impress Taglit girls

15. Jerusalem Sinkhole canceled after his old tweets surface

16. Litzman blocks efforts to extradite Sinkhole to Australia on sex charges

17. Ariel Gold informs the Sinkhole that he’s actually from Spain

18. Sinkhole claims he’s enrolled at Or Sameach but I see him in Crack Square every night smoking weed

19. Jerusalem Sinkhole claims that Maktesh Ramon is his cousin

20. Liami is trying to Keep the Sinkhole in Israel

Jerusalem

“Are they protesting or is something on sale?” Jerusalem woman has questions

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/9/2020 at 11:00 PM

Jerusalem: “What politically important issue are they protesting? Bibi’s corruption? Unfair draft laws? The lack of Skippy peanut butter these days?” asked Jerusalem resident Tamar R. as she passed a large crowd gathered on Yafo Street this morning. Upon further investigation, the Daily Freier discovered that the mass gathering was in fact a lineup for the Fox Clothing Store, which was restricting admission to only four customers at a time. “Who would wait three hours for sweatshirts?” pondered Tamar… until she saw her neighbor Aviva in line.

“I don’t mind waiting” explained Aviva. “We really built up a great community here in the past few hours. See that cute engaged couple almost at the door? When they started out at the back of the line, they didn’t even know each other!“

When the Daily Freier asked Aviva why she didn’t just shop online, she was confused. “You mean like Amazon?” she inquired. “That’s silly, they don’t sell Fox sweatshirts! Besides, they stopped their free shipping. And isn’t online shopping what I’m doing right now?… I mean, I am standing ON LINE….for Fox.“

As the Daily Freier waited and observed the Fox queue, a contingent of Peace Now activists descended on Yafo street, suspicious that this large gathering of people was trying to establish a new settlement outpost. “It’s not like that.” Tzvi, the Fox lineup leader explained. “But look, if establishing ourselves as am official community can get us some representation in the Knesset, then maybe it’s a good idea. You know, our numbers are growing every day.“

As the Daily Freier got ready to leave, we spotted Svetlana, our old Ulpan teacher standing in line. “Are you here to buy a sweatshirt or maybe some pajamas?” we asked. “I don’t even know, I just jumped in when I saw how long this line was.” Svetlana exclaimed “Look, I know enough from growing up in Russia that if you see a bunch of people standing in line for something, then it must be good! That’s what Communism taught me and it’s true!“

Corona Virus, Jerusalem, Judaism

“Wait, was he Lost?” Jerusalem Yeshiva Bocher got COVID in a Gym

By Chava Ewa & Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 7/20/2020 at 11:00 AM

Jerusalem: A recent spate of COVID-19 infections has drawn suspicion of health department officials as several young religious men infected with the virus are insisting that they have not been participating in illegal minyamin, shiurim or attending weddings, but have in fact, caught the virus at a local gym.

A GYM in Jerusalem? What’s next? Actual Nightlife? At first, we thought it was an urban legend (much like the affordable apartment in Nachlaot or all those high-paying jobs where you don’t need to speak any Hebrew). But upon further investigation, we discovered that indeed there was a gym and that it has been a hotbed of COVID-19 infection.

We asked Yossi D, a young Charedi man from Bayit VeGan, how he found himself in a gym in the first place. “My Hebrew isn’t so good, I saw a sign that said “חֲדַר כֹּשֶׁר” and thought it was something religious… kosher room, right?”

Yossi described how he had the virus for days but didn’t realize. “I was a bit tired, feverish, and the food had no taste. It took a long time for me to notice because I’m Ashkenazi and I’m kinda used to it.“

In order to get all sides of the story, The Daily Freier stopped by the gym (which is now closed but somehow doing classes over Zoom. It’s complicated.) and we were greeted by Sasha, the burly ex-Soviet fitness coach. “Yossi? Yes, he is good kid. But I had to yell at him when he smoked cigarettes in between sets on the incline bench. Also, he kept asking where the coffee machine was.“

The Daily Freier asked Sasha if the Fitness World could accommodate a group of people who had their own lingo, were distrustful of outsiders, and strictly observed a long list of rituals.

Sasha put down the kettle bell, thought for a moment, and replied: “You mean like CrossFit?“

Jerusalem, Only in Israel

My Family is Not an Illegal Gan

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 4/30/2020 at 6:30 PM

Jerusalem, Baka: As Israelis find themselves under lockdown, people are learning all kinds of new things about their neighbors.

“I called the police because I thought my upstairs neighbor Ruchie was running an illegal Gan. Turns out she just has nine kids.” noted Malka D, a retiree living in Baka. “I heard Uncle Moishy songs blasting all day, constant yelling, and every week the Makolet guy delivered 10 boxes of Cheerios, 12 packages of yogurt and 8 bags of frozen corn schnitzel.” confided Malka, who insists that she doesn’t meddle in other people’s business. “Who needs so much frozen corn schnitzel except someone operating an illegal gan during lockdown?” (Writer’s Note: I need that much)

When asked why she had jumped to conclusions and didn’t maybe consider that her upstairs neighbor had a large family, Malka explained. “I met her when I moved into this building, she’s a preschool teacher and her husband works in a grocery store. They don’t have money! Who would have a bunch of children if they didn’t have money? That’s just ridiculous!”

Ruchie, of course, forgave her neighbor for the misunderstanding. “I’m learning about my neighbors too!” Ruchie admitted. “I just learned that my next door neighbor is Sephardi! All this time, I thought she was from overseas and that’s why she mispronounced Hebrew words… you know what she calls the Koisel? You know, the Western Wall? She says “Koh-tell”… that’s crazy, right?”

Jerusalem, Judaism

“No I can’t describe her appearance… she’s a woman!” Jerusalem bank robber escapes again

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 1/29/2020 at 1:30 PM

Jerusalem, Har Nof: “Everyone saw her, but nobody looked!” Police detective Motti F. described his exasperation at trying to catch Jerusalem’s most prolific female bank robber. The sheitel-clad thief dubbed “HaGiveret” by police, has successfully perpetrated a series of brazen robberies in Jerusalem’s religious neighborhoods, leaving behind many male witnesses but nobody who can actually identify her… because that would mean… you know… men admitting that they were actually looking at a woman.

Detective Motti explained. “Our police sketch artist used to work for Mishpacha Magazine, he’s great at drawing male criminals, but when he sat with witnesses to the robberies, all the sketches he produced had blurred-out faces! Honestly, this is worse than when I worked in Tel Aviv and tried to find a bike thief who wore a hipster beard.”

A witness to one robbery described the scene. “She walked into the bank and yelled that she had a gun, and nobody was afraid of her. But then, she started singing along to the elevator music and someone cried out ‘Kol Isha! Assur!‘ and everyone ran away. She had plenty of time to take all the money….and the rugelach in the break room.”

Working on a tip that the suspect had fled into a certain apartment building, police knocked on doors and gathered a group of suspects for a police lineup (OK, they needed to look busy so they just rounded up a few random religious women… because who else but a master criminal needing to disguise their identity would own several wigs?) Local resident Raizy D. described the momentary panic that ensued. “When all those men with guns stormed in, we thought they were from the tax authority… that they had heard about my unlicensed mishpachton or Blumie’s cash-only catering business or the store in Ruchi’s machsan. Anyhow, none of us are that bank robber lady, we wouldn’t do that! Imagine…. religious people breaking the law like that!”