Month: September 2018

Jeremy Corbyn reviews the new Eichmann Movie

(photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today we look at the newly released film “Operation Finale“, the sad tale of a rogue nation taking so-called justice into its own hands. This movie recounts the story of Israel’s illegal and extra-judicial kidnapping of Adolph Eichmann from Argentina, a lovely country that is also home to the Malvina Islands. Apparently, Mr. Eichmann had some sort of role in the Holocaust. Now let me say clearly that the Holocaust was a tragedy (although truth be told some of my friends in Hamas whom I have hosted for tea would agree to disagree. Also, they would have put quote marks around the word “Holocaust.”) Yet Israel’s all-too-familiar use of force was to compound a tragedy with a tragedy, much like America’s illegal execution of one Mr. Bin Laden (Real World Non-Satire Alert: He Really Really said this about the death of Bin-Laden). Truly, if Mr. Eichmann were in fact guilty of a crime, why not simply notify the nearest Argentinian constabulary?

The movie depicts the commendable efforts Mr. Eichmann had made to open himself up to other cultures, to include learning the local language, and adopting the lovely Spanish name of “Ricardo Klement.” And in a singular act of proletarian solidarity, he took the bus to work every day. Yet Mr. Eichmann’s earnest attempts at multiculturalism failed to impress the Mossad, which took upon itself the task of kidnapping him and trundling him off to “Israel” for trial. And if being kidnapped by the Mossad wasn’t unpleasant enough already, Eichmann then had to fly on EL AL..

Israel then tried and executed Eichmann, another sad tally on its list of victims. Just to add insult to injury, Israel then spread his ashes in the sea, precluding any future graveside memorials, like the wreath that I specifically did NOT lay at the grave of Black September activists.

Now you may scoff at my review. You may even accuse me of willful ignorance. Yet remember this: it’s still not as dumb as what Hannah Arendt wrote about the Eichmann trial.

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Michael Chabon revisits the story of Abraham

[SCENE: Midnight in a dark storage room, Ur of the Chaldeans, 1800 B.C.E. A young man smashes idols on the ground. Suddenly, a stranger appears.]

Stranger: Hey bro, what are you doing?

Young man: I am Abram, son of Terah. And these idols are a Chillul HaShem. They must be destroyed.

Stranger: Your cultural insensitivity toward this indigenous folk art is most depressing. By destroying these idols, you are actually building Ghetto Walls of Jewish Exclusivity. I suppose you also want to marry a Jewish woman, and build your very own endogamous ghetto for two (Not-Satire Alert: He Really Really Said this about marrying a Jew.)

Abram: How do these idiots keep finding me?

(The Freier is posted on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Amazon!” Free Shipping to Israel cancelled

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 9/14/2018 at 1:00 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh: Israelis are performing their annual ritual of forgiving those who have transgressed against them. Yet there are some things they just can’t forgive. Roger Waters? Sheikh Nasrallah? That Idiot from Code Pink? No, No, No. We’re talking something much more serious: the Customer Service Behemoth known as Amazon, which gave Israelis free shipping for a few days and then took it away from them.  The Daily Freier spoke to one of Amazon’s victims to hear her story of betrayal and loss.

It’s been a difficult year.” explained Rivky G, an immigrant from New Jersey. “I’ve had PTSD (Post-Target Stress Disorder), you know, from Target’s Chillul HaShem last year.” Rivky, like so many of her Ramat Beit Shemesh neighbors, had her Target orders cancelled a year ago. “It wasn’t just that I didn’t get my Pumpkin Spice k-cups, it’s the principle of the matter! They make promises and then the deal just disappears! Who do they think they are? Golan Telecom?

I could never forgive them.” Rivky complained. “It was Erev Yom Kippur and I had forgiven my crooked landlord, my roommate who chipped my iPad screen and even that rotten boyfriend who cheated on me with some frecha from work. But this was too much! And seriously, they should have begged for mechila properly.” Rivky was crestfallen and resolved never to trust anyone ever again.

The Daily Freier then reached out to Rivky’s native Israeli coworker Anat for further perspective on this ongoing tragedy. “It was cool to see her all cynical and jaded.” she chuckled. “All of a sudden, Rivky began to suspect that everyone was out to cheat her and lie to her. She would yell at everyone…. ‘I think you’re lying! I’m not a freier!’…. she said it so convincingly, you know, like a real Israeli. I was so proud of her.” It seemed that, sof sof, Rivky had learned the secret to being Israeli.

But then it happened… Amazon. “I heard about this free shipping promotion and I couldn’t risk missing out, so I made an order… just one.” Rivky said. “OK, maybe more than one, but not like a lot of orders which would cripple the Israeli postal system or anything.” And then the inevitable happened. Amazon, like Target, had miscalculated Israelis’ appetite for American products and stopped its shipping promotion. “I can’t believe I fell for it.” Rivky cried. “Now I need my parents to visit me so they can bring everything I ordered online for Chanukah…. Oh and also Ziplocs. Next time I hear of another American company offering free shipping, I won’t trust them… never ever!… not a chance!… ummm… I mean, unless it’s like something really good?”

Fact Checker: every word in Julia Salazar’s bio is false. “Even the punctuation.”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/10/2018 at 4:17 PM

Brooklyn: An exhaustive and comprehensive review of New York State Senate candidate Julia Salazar‘s stated biography has revealed that every single part of it was totally made up, including the words ‘and’, ‘the‘, the number ‘3‘, the letter ‘Q‘, and all of the punctuation to include the commas, semi-colons, and parentheses.

The Daily Freier Institute for Fact Checking Excellence released their report this morning, and it has taken the media by storm. You know how the TV News awards you ‘Pinocchios’ if you make something up?” explained The Freier Institute’s lead Fact Checker Aaron Pomerantz. “We literally don’t have enough ‘Pinocchios’ to award her so we rated her “Geppetto” in hopes that this will lead to the creation of more Pinocchios.

Mr. Pomerantz then laid out his Institute’s findings: “Not only did she create the image of growing up poor despite living in a McMansion and having a $600,000 Trust Fund, she also created a Jewish family identity completely unknown to her brother and parents. Additionally, she appears to be the only person to ever immigrate to America from…. Florida.” Mr. Pomerantz then described further inconsistencies. “See that comma in paragraph 2? She made it up. Also that semi colon. And that apostrophe. Also the letter “Q” in that footnote over there. Then there’s that Number “6” in the addendum. Fake, Fake, Fake, Fake.”

When contacted about the accusations that her entire biography is false right down to the punctuation, her Campaign spokesperson responded that it depends upon what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.

Mocking Nike? We Just Did It!

This week, Nike showed just how #Woke they are by making an ad starring this guy named Colin Kapaernik who people say once actually played football (we’ve found no proof). Anyhoo, the Daily Freier is not about to let a mere Gazillion Dollar Sneaker Company Out-Woke us.

(We’re over at Israellycool today. Check it out!)

Ashkenazi man hopes to finish digesting piece of Jachnun by the High Holidays

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/6/2018 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: A local man of Ashkenazi origin has decided that it would just be very, very convenient if he could finish digesting his late breakfast of jachnun some time before Erev Rosh Hashanah. Jachnun, the slow-cooked rolled dough pastry from Yemen is normally served with a hard-boiled egg and a spicy sauce. And the flaky breakfast pastry has a density greater than a Black Hole. So if Tel Aviv resident Avi F. could just complete the digestion process by some time on Sunday afternoon, it would be great.

Avi described his Holiday schedule to the Daily Freier. “I am going to a family dinner in Rishon LeTzion, so if we could just finish this by Erev Chag, it would make my plans a lot easier.”

The Daily Freier asked Avi to explain his jachnun meal. “It was quite good.” Avi explained. “Like eating buttered Kevlar, except with more layers. I plan on being finished chewing by the time I watch the news tonight.”

Avi revealed that after the High Holidays, he plans to market a line of Ashkenazi-themed Jachnun with a less spicy sauce.

 

World Ends after Tel Aviv bar asks Native English Speaker to proofread their menu

(Photo Credit: We forgot, but her dog has his own Insta account)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/1/2018 at 10:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Street: Some say the world would end in fire, some say in ice, but when it finally happened, the world ended because a Tel Aviv bar owner asked a Native English Speaker to proofread a menu from his establishment. Pub owner Motti S. (well, he’s one of the 12 co-owners actually) asked his friend Jeff, a not-so-recent immigrant from the United States, to help perfect the English on his bar’s menu. The Daily Freier was able to Skype with Motti as we hurdled through time and space. (this happens to us more than you would think, so we were pretty relaxed about the whole thing.)

I guess I just wanted a professional looking product.” explained Motti. “And as I asked him to review the menu, the earth began to crack open and swallow up cars and benches and things. Then it started to rain a lot. And thunder and lightning. Then I think I heard the voice of HaShem saying that it’s all over. And then we had chasers.

Needless to say, the reaction to Motti’s stunt from the Tel Aviv pub community was less than positive. “I don’t understand why he did this.” wondered Danny, a bartender at that place on Dizengoff with the long tables, tall stools, and disinterested waitstaff (No not THAT one. The other one.) “Tourists come here all the day long to sit on beer and I never need a translator…..Hey, would you like a plate of laziness?” The Daily Freier didn’t know what a plate of laziness is, but looked at the menu and we think he meant to write lasagna.

As the Universe continued to implode on itself, somebody went on Secret Tel Aviv to ask if this would affect the bus schedules, “I mean, is this going to be like a Chag, or what?