Month: March 2023

Binyamin Netanyahu, Joe Biden

Crisis Averted after Bibi Lets Biden Sniff his Hair

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/31/2023 at 5:30 PM

Washington: Diplomatic sources in Jerusalem and Washington reacted with undisguised relief today after an Israeli-American diplomatic crisis was averted at the last minute. President Biden had taken an increasingly critical public stance to Prime Minister Netanyahu’s handling of Israel’s ongoing protests, culminating in this week’s statement by the President indicating that Netanyahu will not be welcomed to the White House in the near future.

Yet at the last minute, Prime Minister Netanyahu displayed his willingness to say or do anything to stay in power the diplomatic acumen that we have come to expect from this political veteran. Working through diplomatic backchannels that may or may not have included their sons Yair and Hunter unexpectedly meeting up at a Gentleman’s Club outside of Baltimore, the leaders’ respective staffs hammered out a compromise that Washington insiders are already describing as groundbreaking. Specifically, Bibi agreed to let Biden sniff his hair at their next meeting that will take place shortly after the Passover Holiday. The Chattering Class have already started singing the Deal’s praises.

“This is exciting stuff.” explained CNN’s Wolf Blitzer. “Now we need to come up with a clever name for this…. what about ‘The Scratch ‘n’ Sniff Summit‘? Does that sound catchy?“

“I actually heard about this from my cab driver last night when I flew into Dubai.” explained noted pundit Thomas Friedman. “Or was it my cab driver in Amman? Who the hell knows. I’ve been phoning it in for years.”

Yet not everyone in Israel is enthused about this development. The Daily Freier walked through the Shuk HaCarmel this afternoon and got decidedly mixed vibes about the Agreement. “Oh Great.” sighed Alert Local Ronit S. “Biden tried to sniff my hair once at the Paris Duty Free.” Ronit picked at her Shakshuka and continued. “I’m not really religious but the next time he visits I’m wearing a headscarf.“

As the story went to press, Bibi ran his hands through his distinguished salt and pepper hair and reminded reporters that Bennett could never pull this off.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you don’t think that the Daily Freier is going to call Trump Headquarters and convince them that this really happened, then you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.

 

Israeli Politics, Start Up Nation

Israel in Crisis: Protesters Destroy Knesset’s Fax Machines

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/27/2023 at 8:30 PM

Jerusalem: The nation plunged further into crisis today as the Knesset’s precious Fax Machine room was vandalized, forcing the seat of government to close until further notice. Thousands of Israelis gathered outside the Knesset to protest the ruling Coalition’s proposed changes to the Judicial system, and some breached police barricades. As Security Guards worked frantically to expel the intruders, several protesters entered the Fax Room and wreaked havoc on this vital communications hub for Startup Nation. You see, the Fax Machine remains a vital workhorse in Israel. The Daily Freier sent documents to the Tax Authority via Fax in 2019 because our accountant warned us that “They don’t actually read their emails.” So Yeah, this was a big deal. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to make sense of this Tragedy.

“We’ve lost everything.” lamented a Knesset Information Technician named Boaz. “We rely on these faxes for everything.” Boaz continued as he surveyed a room full of broken ink cartridges and spools of unfurled fax paper. “This is how Mr. Netanyahu finds out what kind of mood Sara is in before his Security Team escorts him home. This is how Mr. Deri’s Parole Officer would arrange their next appointment.  This is how Ms. Zandberg used to order her …uhhh…cookie ingredients.“

The Daily Freier asked Boaz if there was any workaround to prevent a paralysis of government at this crucial moment in Israeli history. Boaz leaned in closely and lowered his voice. “This hasn’t been released to the public.” Boaz intoned solemnly. “But right now we are sending out vital messages via Moshe Gafni’s Kosher phone, Noa Kirel’s Instagram, and Yair Netanyahu’s Twitter feed.“

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Boaz was desperately trying to hook up a computer to a monitor and stopped to ask us if we had a Boot Disc for Windows 95.

 

Aliyah, U.S. Embassy in Israel

Top Ten things that will happen before your Appointment at the American Embassy in Jerusalem
(photo credit: Wikipedia)
Israeli Politics, Start Up Nation

Tel Aviv Pub hires Smotrich to Write their English Menu
“The Elephant is in the Room!”

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/19/2023 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Start-Up Nation has done it again! Basking in the amazing success of his Speech at the Israel Bonds Conference in Washington, Israeli Politician Bezalel Smotrich is now in high demand as a translator of Tel Aviv menus. But one lucky Pub on Dizengoff Boulevard drew first honors. You know the Pub. It’s the one with the really long benches outside and the hot but indifferent wait staff. Not that one. The other one.

You see, Israeli restaurants have to endure the VERY UNFAIR stereotype that their English menus were written with a combination of Google Translate, Indian Tech Support, and reruns of “Friends”. Anyhoo, The Daily Freier spoke to Alon, one of the Pub’s 12 owners about this new business model.

“This menu will be the best for tourists who want to sit on a beer, no?” enthused Alon. “Maybe they can order a plate of laziness.”

“Do you mean lasagna?” inquired The Daily Freier. But Alon looked at us like we were high.

Finally, The Daily Freier contacted Mr. Smotrich himself about this exciting new business opportunity.

“Thanks for you face in me. My land Grandmeizer would be so proud.” stated Mr. Smotrich. “There is a sorting way that these Menus must be wrote. The Elephant is in the Room!“

As the Daily Freier went to print, we learned that Prime Minister Netanyahu has hired former President George W. Bush as an English Language tutor for Smotrich.