By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 5/2/2017 at 11:20 AM
Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: Israel’s greatest scientific minds are stumped by a strange and disturbing anomaly of the Natural World: the complete and total coverage of the city of Tel Aviv in a haze of smoke from cannabis/tobacco spliffs, despite the fact that everybody in town is “totally out of weed.” The Daily Freier decided to turn to our science advisors, Gideon and Alex from the Technion, for an expert analysis.
“What we are looking at is a possibly limitless source of renewable energy.” explained Alex. “If the matter in question, i.e. loosely rolled cigarettes containing a mix of tobacco and cannabis, can simply exist outside of the realm of matter being created or destroyed, then we may be on the cusp of something amazing. It would be like discovering a perpetual motion machine. Only cooler.”
Gideon agreed with Alex, but with an interesting theological twist. “One can be committed to science and reason, yet also believe that our Universe was created with Intelligent Design. Specifically, the concept that spliffs continue to materialize in Tel Aviv despite the universal absence of cannabis begs the question: Is this a modern miracle in the same venue as the miraculous Chanukah oil that lasted 8 Days? Like, Nes Gadol Haya Po?” Gideon was quick to mention that this theory is not confined to the Jewish Community. “I was just speaking to a priest in Jerusalem, and he likened the current state of affairs in Tel Aviv to the Wedding Feast of Cana where Christians believe that Jesus turned water into wine…. Except this must be bamba into cannabis. Or something like that.”
When the Daily Freier pressed the scientists for a possible alternate theory, they insisted that their hypothesis would stand up to peer review. “Our data is sound. Something incredible is happening in Tel Aviv….. either that or everyone is just full of crap and secretly hoarding their weed stashes for themselves.“
(Photo Credit: Lee Saunders)
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 4/19/2017 at 3:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Geula: After the success of “Hotdudesandhummus“, the various “Hot Israeli Army girls“, and “Hot Israeli guys” pages, Israel and the entire Jewish World are going crazy for the newest Instagram phenomenon: “Hot Israelis cutting you in Line“. The Daily Freier walked the streets to find out just what the buzz is all about.
As we walked past Geula Street, we immediately saw an opportunity to submit a photo of our own, as a rather dapper guy (named “Guy”) was busy sidling himself toward the front of a long line “because I just have a question“. And the reaction to Guy’s chutzpadik ranged the spectrum. At the back of the line, Neve Tzedek artist Dalit was not happy at all. “Who does this man think he is? He is acting like he owns the place……It’s as if he thinks that having amazing facial hair gives some sort of privilege.”
On the other hand, alert local Ronit S., whom Guy eased past in line on totally false pretenses, was rather smitten. “The way he just walked parallel to the line pretending to talk to the stranger in front of me before easing in the line between us. This guy is an expert line-cutter.” Ronit noted as she twirled her hair and looked at the line’s latest intruder. “Also he seems kind of familiar. I think we might have umm…. nifgashnu… in the Army.”
With the success of “Hot Israelis cutting you in Line“, the developers plan to roll out several other pages for the Summer season, including “Hot Israelis hitting you in the head with a speeding matkot ball“, “Hot Israelis parking their cars on your sidewalk“, and “Hot Israelis almost knocking you over with their electric bicycles“.
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 4/15/2017 at 9:30 PM
Ben Gurion Airport: There may be crippling strikes, constant davening, and 16 bags per person, but El Al this week succeeded in dislodging United Airlines as America’s favourite airline.
In a poll conducted by the World Wrestling Federation, El Al took top spot for customer service, ahead of previously lovable United Airlines, whose staff, it emerged, are trained in Krav Maga. In violence not seen since Saving Private Ryan, a man was ripped out of his seat and schlepped down the aisle. Speculation that the doctor had removed his seatbelt before the seatbelt sign was turned off proved untrue as his seat was soon filled by trolley dolly Britney, who was, ‘like, late for her shift and had, like, a party to go to’.
A delighted El Al spokesperson said: “While we are thrilled that our aggressive apathy is the new norm, we would draw the line at such aggression shown by United. That is usually reserved for our nation’s Post Office. Also, in Israeli culture, being dragged down the aisle means something else…. Usually, you have 12 months till you need to give them grandchildren.”
(This photo was not taken in Israel)
By Emily Goldstein and Mark Levy
Last Updated 3/4/2017 at 9:30 PM
Dizengoff Center: The popular dating App “Tinder” just announced a shocking revelation about its Israeli market: that fully 90% of all fantasies of users in Greater Tel Aviv involve Tel Aviv actually getting a real Apple Store. Not a knockoff. Not a place that “sends your computer to a lab”. A real Apple Store. Like with a Genius Bar. The Daily Freier went ahead and read some of the hotter testimonials.
A guy named Rami K., who just got busted at Ben Gurion trying to bring the new iPhone back from the States, went into some pretty graphic details. “So in my dream I meet these really hot twins at the beach. And they’re here on a MASA program. And they believe all of my lines about being a combat soldier and owning a Startup… And then they invite me back to their apartment. To ‘watch a movie’. But when I walk in, it’s actually an Apple Store….. and then they…. I’m sorry but this is just too freaky….They fix my MacBook Pro in less than 4 weeks and for less than the cost of buying a new one.”
Then there was Shlomi, who recently switched from trolling Secret Tel Aviv to Tinder. “So in my dream, I get transported to a place that calls itself ‘Startup Nation’. And in this dream, people don’t fly to America to buy a MacBook Air because….. I mean this is kind of weird right?….. the cost of the MacBook Air in Startup Nation is less than the combined cost of the MacBook Air in New York plus a flight ticket….is there like something wrong with me or something?”
The Daily Freier even found out that one of the people sharing their deepest secrets was our very own Guest Writer Mia Deych. “So I keep having this incredibly vivid dream where I meet this guy. And he takes me on an actual date. Like he pays for it and everything. In Tel Aviv. Weird, right? And after dinner we go for a walk and somehow end up in Dizengoff Center Mall. And instead of that ridiculous ‘I-Store’ there was a real no-kidding Apple Store. With helpful and knowledgeable employees. And big giant windows. And they had the latest Apple TV. Oh, and at the end of the dream we were able to find our way out of Dizengoff Center.”
Welcome to Israel.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
Last Updated 3/2/2017 at 2:30 PM
Ramat Gan: The police force in the same country that somehow tracked down and captured notorious Nazi Adolph Eichmann in Argentina says that it’s “like this close” to finding and investigating its first Binary Options office in Ramat Gan, a location so remote that it takes over an hour to walk there from Tel Aviv City Hall. Binary Options, which is sort of like the Stock Market except the Brokers steal all of your money every damn time more complicated, is an industry that is so low-key and hidden from view that one company posted a recruitment advertisement on Facebook with a woman dressed as a vampire, the company’s Logo, and the slogan “Predators work at night.” The Daily Freier sat down with Police spokesperson Mickey G. to learn more about some of the unique hurdles facing the police force on this case.
(The Daily Freier is over on Times of Israel today. Check it out!)
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Chava Ewa
Last Updated 3/1/2017 at 9:30 AM
Ben Gurion Airport: A passport counterfeiting ring based out of the city of Lod was taken down when a supposed recent immigrant (“Oleh Chadash”) exhibited suspicious behavior as he entered Israel’s Ben-Gurion airport after a trip to the United States. Israeli Customs Officer Yael Z. alerted security officials when she noticed something suspicious about a passenger who arrived at her window. “His passport said he was an American Oleh” she said. “So I made my customary joke about having nothing to declare except deodorant and Ziplocs. He didn’t laugh. In fact, he looked confused…it’s like he didn’t know what Ziplocs were. Also, he never complained that Nefesh B’Nefesh wasn’t helping him enough.”
A search of the man’s bags revealed no deodorant, no Ziplocs and documents which identified him as Rami K., a 26-year-old Israeli man born and raised in Lod. Rami explained that the passport he had used was a counterfeit, bought from his brother’s friend Shuki. “My passport expired and I needed to travel to New York for my cousin’s wedding. Well…my cousin’s wedding and to get the new iPhone 7.” Rami explained. “Misrad Hapnim wanted 280 shekels for a passport but I knew that Shuki sells them for 160. Or 150 on Fridays just before Shabbat.”
Shuki was arrested and his counterfeit passport operation was shut down. Rami served 14 days in jail for passport fraud and is still confused about the whole Ziploc thing. “The customs lady was kidding, right??” he asked. “I mean, it’s just freezer bags… people don’t bring those things from America, do they? That’s just ridiculous.”
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 2/25/2017 at 6:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Bograshov Street: The colony of mold that lives in the wall between your bathroom and your laundry room has decided to stay in your Tel Aviv apartment for at least another year. But your landlord wants a co-sign on the lease. So the the mold, who goes by “Yossi”, has asked for your help. Yossi explained his decision to stay another year to the Daily Freier.
“The apartment is right off of Bograshov Street. And besides the fact that it’s basically turned into France, the location is amazing.” Yossi explained, as he slowly continued his expansion into the apartment’s communal hallway. “Plus the landlord is just the best. Doesn’t do anything that would cause problems for me, like modernizing the plumbing, weatherproofing the windows, or replacing the old wooden cabinets. I basically have the run of the place.”
Yossi went on to describe just how hard it was to find a place to live in Tel Aviv. “I tried everything. I checked for apartment on Secret Tel Aviv, but it was nothing but freaks. I even tried Keep Olim in Israel, but in the time it took me to post to the site, I somehow got in an argument about Binary Options.”
Yossi says he is going to split the rent with Boaz the cloud from the Golan Heights who saved his IDF platoon from an ISIS ambush. But Boaz is still finishing up the Army and won’t move in until some time in the late Summer after his post-Army trip to India, so your landlord really wants someone else to co-sign. And other than him asking you to try to help maintain a kosher kitchen, and occasionally releasing spores into the air that make you sneeze and cough, he is kind of low maintenance. Come to think of it, he’s probably the most normal housemate you’ve had so far in Israel.