Category: Start Up Nation

The Netanyahus narrate your Waze directions!

So for Israel’s Independence Day, our very own President Rivlin let his voice be used for the driving instructions on Waze, the Israeli Navigation App. However, the Daily Freier learned that Rivlin was not Waze’s first choice…. but that all the other choices disqualified themselves for one reason or another. So the Daily Freier has uncovered the transcripts for these rejected applicants and shared them with you, our loyal readers. To date we have shared the Waze instructions provided by Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer and also your Nefesh B’Nefesh Aliyah Counselor! Anyhoo, guess who we have today? That’s right, the Netanyahus: Bibi, Sara, and Yair! Isn’t this Amazing? Let’s check it out!


Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu: Good afternoon and I would like to thank you for using Waze for your journey today. Did you know that Israeli innovation has led to the cherry tomato, the thumb drive, and Gal Gadot? We are truly the Start-Up Nation becau….

Sara Netanyahu: OK Hurry up and pull into traffic, we don’t have all day.

Bibi: So where are you driving today? Herzliya? Excellent choice! It is an incubator for technology and…

Sara: Turn left! Didn’t I tell you to turn left? Why aren’t you listening to me? You don’t think I’m educated? I am a trained psychologist! Psych-o-lo-gist! B.A ! M.A ! Don’t you know who I am? You’re going to get fired! You want to get fired?

Bibi: Sara, we can’t fire him. He doesn’t actually work for us. Besides, our new friend is going to do me a favor and run into this cigar store in the Tel Aviv Namal Port and pick up that box of Dominican Coronas I ordered. Wait, you asked how much you need to pay? Oh don’t be silly, I don’t pay for stuff like this. But go ahead and take this bag of deposit bottles in with you and bring back the change. Thank you my friend, I appreciate it. You know, a Waze trip is really a team effort. Like a sports team. Or, I don’t know, a submarine.

[Vehicle has temporarily stopped.]

Sara: You’re back?! Finally?! What are we paying you for? Hurry up and drive!

Yair Netanyahu: Hey, we’re about to pass the Pussycat Lounge. Can you jump out and ask if Cinnamon is working tonight? Because she said that if I bring people to the champagne room during her shift, she would rock my…..

Sara: Turn left! I told you to turn left!

Bibi: Hey, you missed the turn. Where are you going? And why are you trying to get out of the car? We’re in the middle of traffic! Wait, you want to quit your Waze trip? Come on, let’s talk about this. Because I’m willing to do almost anything to keep you in this coalition car with us. Name your price. Close all the makolets on Shabbat? Deal. Keep exempting Haredim from conscription? Consider it done. Go back on my word about letting the Reform pray at the Western Wall? Done and Done. Hey, where are you going???

Yair: Achi, before you go…. can I borrow 400 Shekels?

 

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Today your Waze navigation advice is from Nefesh B’Nefesh!

So in honor of Israel’s 70th Birthday, President Rivlin lent his voice to the navigation App Waze! But guess what? He wasn’t their first choice! Waze tested several other Israeli public figures and Organizations, yet for various reasons, they just didn’t work out. But the Daily Freier is providing YOU our loyal readers with the transcripts of the rejected applicants. Yesterday we published author/journalist Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s Waze narration. And today we provide you the Waze instructions provided by your Nefesh B’Nefesh Aliyah Counselor. Her name is BatSheva. Or Elisheva. Or Just Sheva. We kinda forgot. Anyhoo, strap in! It’s going to be a Wild Ride!


OMG Hi! Wait, you just did a Semester at Hebrew University??? Wow, that sounds A-MA-ZING! Isn’t Israeli Higher Education Incredible? You know, if you were a citizen, it would be MUCH cheaper! Hint, Hint! …… Ha Ha! Just Kidding! Not Really!

OK, So where are we going today? The Airport? You’re flying to London for an Internship? Ummm, yeah….. Not really feeling that, you know? I mean, No beaches in London, LOL! So yeah, what time is your flight? 3 hours? OK, Fine. What’s that? You think we’re going the wrong way to the airport? Oh no, this is a shortcut. Only Olim know it!

OK, back to your plans. Because to tell you the truth, I really think you should make Aliyah. And Israel is so Diverse! I mean, it’s not just Jerusalem and Tel Aviv. Haifa is Amazing. And there’s the Galilee! Can I interest you in our “Go North” program?

What’s that? You think you’re going to miss your flight to London because it’s been 45 minutes and we still haven’t gotten on the Highway?? Maybe that’s a sign from HaShem! Because to be honest, I think you’re making a Huge Mistake. At the very least you should do a MASA program until you come to your senses and give up this silly idea of living in Chul.

Wait a minute, it looks like we somehow ended up at the Nefesh B’Nefesh Jerusalem office. And we’re just in time for this week’s Aliyah fair! It’s a one-stop shop for you to get all of your paperwork in order. If everything goes right, we can submit your Aliyah application tomorrow morning! Isn’t this incredible? What are the Odds? I mean, Only in Israel, right?

Sarah Tuttle-Singer narrates your Waze directions!

So in honor of Israel’s 70th Birthday, our much beloved President/National Grandfather Reuven Rivlin is lending his voice to the Israeli driving app Waze! How amazing is that? But did you know that President Rivlin was not their first choice? Waze tested several other Israeli public figures, yet for various reasons, it just didn’t work out. But the Daily Freier was able to steal acquire the transcripts of the celebrities rejected for this honor. And this week we will review them all: Your Nefesh B’ Nefesh Aliyah Counselor, The Netanyahus (Bibi, Sara, and Yair!), the Editorial Board of Haaretz, Aryeh Deri, and the Israeli guy you just matched with on Tindr who currently wants to bang you and/or invite you to his Cousin’s wedding next week in Hadera. But today? Today we present you the rejected Waze narration from Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer! So without further ado, here are the transcripts!


(Time 11:00, Jerusalem, Davidka Square)

Oh hey! So you need to drive to Ben Gurion for a 3 PM flight? No problem, I know this city like the back of my hand, I even wrote a book about it! So let’s take this Amazing secret passage through Machane Yehuda! You see, last Purim I kissed a Haredi Woman there. No really! We were both wearing masks, but we all wear different masks every day of our lives, right? I mean when you think about…..wait a second, turn left here…..So anyway, we kissed and it was incredible….. Careful, the light’s about to turn red….But anyways, it was Purim, so, I mean like YOLO, right?

(Time: 11:57, Jaffa Street)

You may want to turn left here, they’ve been doing construction on this road for months and making like ZERO progress but when I asked the foreman what the holdup was, we sat down over a cup of sahlab and got in a long talk about his Army service and why he always plays Scrabble on Simchat Torah and…..wait a second, where was I? OMG the kiss? Can I tell you about the kiss? So as we finally broke our embrace, I swept away the bangs of her sheitl and we were both just so present in the moment. And as we parted our separate ways into the Jerusalem darkness, I could hear her voice echo off the ancient cobblestones: “Sei Gezunt!”……OK, let’s head toward the Damascus Gate. No, don’t worry it’s totally chill. And sorry but I’m going to have to insist that you stop at my friend Mustafa’s cafe for the BEST Arabic coffee in the city. Don’t worry, we have time. I mean, the cardamom? Can I tell you about the cardamo….. Take your second right in the roundabout….I could write an entire short story on how the taste of the cardamom lingers on the tongue and takes you back to the 15th Century and to long ago villages and Winter rain and first love and…..

(Time: 12:49, somewhere near the Siloam Pools)

OK I think we’re lost right now. Wait, I can fix this. Can you drive until you see a furniture shop with this tall guy standing outside with the most incredible green eyes so even when I knew he was kinda overcharging me to re-upholster my couch, I didn’t care because I mean, easy on the eyes? (Get it? Get it?)

(Time: 13:26, The American Colony)

OMG OMG OMG stop the car! That’s Sarit, and she makes the most INCREDIBLE jewelry out of Goldstar bottle caps, dental floss, 10 Agurot coins, and tree sap! Can you run in and give her a hug for me and tell her that I’m sorry I missed her son’s Bris but that we totally need to catch up over drinks at Crave? It will only take a minute.

(Time: 14:08, Ammunition Hill)

OK, it looks like you might not make your flight, but I mean, isn’t life really about the journey?

Israel faxes angry rebuttal to Bloomberg story about its “Low-Tech Economy”

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 4/13/2018 at 8:30 AM

Jerusalem: The #StartupNation just got wind of a story making some Not-So-Nice assertions about its economy, and they are NOT happy. In February, Bloomberg Online published an article describing Israel’s economy as “Low-Tech”. And if you think Israel is going to just take this sort of disrespect, well, you’re wrong. This afternoon, the Israeli Ministry of Finance sent a very irate Fax to Bloomberg citing all of the inaccuracies and false assertions in the story. The Daily Freier stopped by the Ministry to get all the facts.

This article is just full of falsehoods and exaggerations.” explained Ministry spokesperson, Guy H., as a Dot-Matrix Printer worked noisily in the background. “Israel’s economy is a Hub of growth and innovation. We have the Technion! And look at Wix! Don’t forget about Waze!” Guy fiddled distractedly with his desktop computer for a moment and continued. “Please excuse me, my Windows 95 is telling me I need to re-start in order to install the latest patches.

The Daily Freier then asked Guy if there was a reason why it took his office two whole months to respond to Bloomberg’s slanderous hit-piece. “We’ve been having a lot of problems with our dial-up, and the woman who has the password for the office computer with Internet access is on maternity leave and the guy with the key to the computer room has been on a smoke break for 7 weeks and we can’t fire him because his Uncle is a Big Deal over at Histadrut.” At this moment, Guy’s phone began to ring. “Sorry, but I need to take this call. Nobody has gotten new ID cards since December and I’m hoping that’s the Reprographics Shop saying they’ve fixed the Printer.” (Editor’s Note: Based on a True Story! In real life, a certain writer finally received his or her ID Card for the University of Haifa after submitting the request in December. And they misspelled our name on the card. Not that we’re bitter.)

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Guy asked us if we wanted to connect on MySpace.

UPDATE: In a late breaking development, the Daily Freier learned that Bloomberg disconnected its Fax Line at some point in late 2007, and thus never received the Economy Minister’s angry screed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeshiva Student’s delinquent phone bill almost crashes Israeli Economy

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 4/9/2018 at 10:30 PM

Jerusalem: In a tale reminiscent of the classic Passover song “Had Gadya”, the entire Israeli economy came precariously close to collapse on Erev Pesach because of a Yeshiva student’s delinquent cell phone bill. “I didn’t realize our economy was so fragile and that everything could be wrecked by one flaky guy.” noted Karnit Flug, Governor of the Bank of Israel. “Or maybe I should have known better than to depend on an 18-year old Yeshiva Bachur.

The near-miss economic meltdown started when Yeshiva (No, not THAT Yeshiva) student Shimmy R. failed to pay his phone bill for several months. “I was really absorbed in my Torah studies, so I just kinda forgot.” explained Shimmy. “What I mean is, a few guys from my dorm went to Tzfat to learn with this amazing kabbalist and um… there was some awesome weed and um…. then suddenly I get a frantic call from my cellphone company telling me that they are going bankrupt unless I pay my bill immediately.

As a result of Shimmy’s delinquent bill, Pelephone, the Israeli company providing his cellphone plan was unable to make payroll. “We’ve been in the minus for months… you know, like all Israelis.” explained Pelephone Spokesperson Yisroel B. “So when we didn’t get our money from Shimmy, we fell into the really bad minus… like minus minus… and couldn’t pay our employees.

As a result, none of their employees were able to do their weekly shopping. “We have seven kids, so I’m always WORKING!” Programmer Hillel K. explained. “I mean, I need to pay hundreds of shekels a week for yogurt alone!” Consequently, grocery chain Osher Ad found itself short of funds and unable to pay its suppliers. “We’re in the minus sometimes.” explained Osher Ad manager Meir P. “But somehow this past month, we fell into the really bad minus and the bank couldn’t extend our credit to pay Osem and Strauss and all those food companies.

As a result of their unpaid invoices, the major Israeli food manufacturers were unable to meet their obligations to the tax authority. “So, we skipped a month of paying Maas Hachnasah, what’s the big deal? Doesn’t everyone do it?” explained Yossi K., lead accountant for Osem Foods. “Israel is a big country with lots of taxpayers, so it’s not like the whole Bank of Israel was waiting on us to pay our taxes, right? That’s just crazy.”

So yeah, I’m not sure how it happened exactly, but yes, the entire Israeli economy fell into the minus… like the really serious kind of minus” noted Ms. Flug. “And we were counting on the cash from Osem to keep funding the government and yeah…it almost didn’t happen.

In a dramatic twist, Shimmy finally did stumble out of his stupor and paid his cellphone bill and the cellphone company did pay their employees and the employees did go to Osher Ad and Osher Ad did get enough revenue to pay its suppliers and the suppliers did make their tax payments to the government and the government did have enough to get out of the minus….at least for this month.

Had Gadya
Had Gadya

New “American-style” Jerusalem suburb includes a Shul you’ll go to & a Shul you wouldn’t be caught dead in

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/10/2018 at 6:30 PM

Ramat Giv’at Ze’ev: The highly anticipated planned  Jerusalem suburb of Giv’at Ze’ev is being specifically built to meet the preening sense of entitlement very high standards of Israel’s Anglo Community, specifically those from North America. The development will have such Anglo-friendly amenities as large master bedrooms, closets (Note to our native Israeli readers: a closet is like a very small room where you can store things!), private parking, dishwashers, big kitchens, and a country club. Yet that’s not all. In order to truly capture the flavor of the typical North American Jewish community, the development will have two Shuls: one Shul that you go to and one Shul that you wouldn’t enter if they were giving out free salmon by the pound. The Daily Freier spoke with lead architect Danny C. to get all the details.

We know how important it is for Canadian and American Jews to have a Shul that they can’t stand, so we proactively opened a synagogue here last month so that we could have it break apart into two rival Shuls just in time for the first homeowners to move in.” Danny continued. “Even though our Housing Development is still under construction, we moved in a Rabbi and his family, along with a Synagogue Board of Directors.  That way, the Board will be able to not renew the Rabbi’s contract next month, and the Rabbi can then form a breakaway Shul just three blocks away and really get a nice bitter communal split going before the first family even moves in!

Danny also explained that the new development makes it possible for homeowners to customize the synagogue they refuse to step foot in. Homeowners will get to choose 3 of the following options, with additional options available at NIS 10,000 apiece:

  • The shul is too big. It’s like you’re in a mall or something.
  • The shul is tiny. It feels like you’re praying in a closet.
  • The building feels dated, like something from the 1970’s.
  • The building looks like a spaceship. It doesn’t even look like a Shul.
  • The Rabbi hardly speaks.
  • The Rabbi won’t stop talking.
  • The Rabbi is a right-wing fascist.
  • The Rabbi is a left-wing idiot.
  • The cantor is quiet as a mouse.
  • The cantor is a giant showboat.
  • The women’s section is a bunch of gossips.
  • The women’s section feels like a morgue.
  • The mincha takes forever.
  • What is this a race? The mincha was over in 5 minutes.
  • My ex in-laws go there.
  • The kiddush doesn’t have enough food.
  • Did you see the portions at the kiddush?
  • Can you believe they called that a kiddush?
  • Don’t get me started on the kiddush.

While prices for the development’s homes vary based on size and location, Danny assured us that your friends will say that you paid way too much.

 

 

 

 

Who says you need Hebrew to land a high-paying job?

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 2/27/2018 at 10:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: Finally, a job that understands me! “ Dovid C., a Ramat Beit Shemesh resident enthused about a cryptic job posting which appeared on Janglo, Secret Jerusalem and Keep Olim in Israel. The post, which received 20,000 hits in the first two minutes after it was posted, promised a high salary, short work hours and stipulated no other qualifications other than the ability to speak English. Curiously enough, applicants were also asked to send a current photo and a list of favorite restaurants.

I have a lot to offer employers, I mean, I speak English….. that’s worth a lot, I deserve to be paid at least as much as someone with a master’s degree… because I speak English!” said Dovid, who has extensive job experience as a dog walker, a waiter for his uncle’s catering company and as a Bar Mitzvah tutor. Also, as he reminded the Daily Freier, he speaks English. Therefore, Dovid, along with thousands of other hopefuls, confidently sent in his application.

The Daily Freier did some investigating (OK, we admit it… we sent in a resume too.) and discovered that the job posting was a ruse concocted by Rivky J., a shadchanit. “So, I have this really cute single cousin in Netanya. But she’s a little shy, so I thought this would be a great way to find some guys to introduce her to.” she explained. “By the way, that’s us in the picture above.

Well the people of Israel did not take this deception very well at all. In fact, the reaction was quite swift, starting with a leading high-tech staffing firm in the Mercaz, who offered Rivky a job as a recruiter, citing her keen abilities in make false promises and lead people on. “I don’t want to be a recruiter!” Rivky protested. “All the guys I interviewed kept talking about what they expected… gluten-free cappuccino and organic cotton office chairs. I’d rather stick to a field where people have realistic expectations… you know, like shidduchim.